Sooo after a break from Fanfiction, I'm back. This is a story I've been working on for over six months now (mid December), and if only about halfway done. But as you may know by now I have almost no patience to fully complete a story before publishing it.

So just keep in mind that this story will have irregular updates. It takes place after the events in book 8 (Hard 8). Any scenes/dialogue mentioned from the books will be in italic when directly quoted.


Chapter One


(Excerpt) Morelli closed and locked his front door, and turned the lights off. "Maybe you should consider a less dangerous job, like a human cannonball or a crash test dummy."

I paused, hearing this come from his mouth. I knew he hated my job, but that comment spurred something in me. "Let's go to bed," he said, shutting off the lights.

"Do you mind if I sleep in your guest room?" I asked, biting my lip. "I don't know if I'm going to sleep well tonight, and I don't want to keep you up."

Not a complete lie. Truthfully, I wasn't sure if I wanted to be with him anymore. I was tired of all the comments about how bad I was at my job and that he loved me but didn't want a relationship. After everything that had happened over these past few weeks, I needed to step back and evaluate. Some things needed to change; I didn't want to live like this anymore. I couldn't live like this anymore.

He frowned. "Sure, I guess that's fine."

I followed him up the stairs and walked into the guest room, shutting the door behind me. I leaned back against it, letting my head rest against the wood listened to Joe's steps fade down the hallway. I fell into the bed and rolled over to spread eagle. I stared at the spackled ceiling while thinking.

The past few weeks played over in my head. Everything with Abruzzi, my interactions with Ranger and Joe. Scenes flashed through my mind.

Ranger's lips on my neck, hand under my shirt, my skin tingling from his touch.

"Pay up time, I'm collecting on the debt."

"Don't get excited. That doesn't mean I want a relationship." Morelli's voice floated through.

"There's no tab. And there's no price for what we give each other. Not Ever. Not Financial. Not Emotional. I have to get back to work." and "You need to repair your relationship with Morelli."

All of it popped into my mind, not wanting to leave.

I rubbed my eyes, trying to push the thoughts away. I sighed. Both men in my life had told me they cared about me but didn't want a relationship with me. I couldn't continue to hang onto the hope that they would change their minds. It felt like there was a vice was closing around my heart.

Ranger was my mentor and a friend. I couldn't lie and say I didn't want more, but now I knew that wasn't possible. It hurt my heart. I was a little surprised at how deep the feeling ran; I had done so much to evade my feelings for Ranger, but it didn't seem like I hadn't done a very good job of it.

Looking back at our 'relationship', I couldn't say that it was a healthy or good one. Ranger was supposed to be my mentor, and he hadn't taught me much. Rescuing me here and there when I needed it, sure, but he didn't teach me how to be a successful bond agent as much as he tried to get into my pants.

Not that my relationship with Joe was healthy, either. The back and forth didn't do either of us good. Joe, I didn't even know what to classify him as. He was a glorified fuck buddy. We were pushed together by Burg expectations. I think we loved each other, but I didn't think it was the kind of love that lasted. Joe and I had no issues not seeing each other for weeks, not talking at all. Every now and then, he would feed me and then take me to bed.

I sighed again, rolling onto my side and sliding under the blankets. In the morning, I would ask Joe just what he wanted from our relationship. What he wanted from me. I would handle Ranger later. There was a good chance I wouldn't see him for a while anyway, not after everything that had happened.

My sleep was fitful, and I spent the night tossing and turning after my revelations. When Morelli came knocking on the door, I was awake and tired. I followed him downstairs to the kitchen. He started a pot of coffee as I sat at the table.

"You don't look like you slept well," he remarked. I sent him a look which made him turn back to pour two cups of coffee.

"Costanza called," he said, bringing me a mug of black coffee. I stood and walked back into the kitchen to put sugar and creamer in it.

"And?"

"A patrol found Eddie Abruzzi in his car at a farmers market. It looks like he killed himself," he said.

I raised both eyebrows and he returned my look with a blank stare. "He left a note. Said he was depressed over some bad business deals."

"You believe that?" I asked.

"If I didn't believe it, I would have to investigate it. I think it's a suicide," he answered. I nodded.

Silence stretched between us. "Joe, can we talk?"

"We are talking," he answered. I rolled my eyes.

"Joe, where do you see us in a few years?"

"Well, I figure I'll be a lieutenant and I'm sure by then you'll have found a job better suited for your abilities."

I gritted my teeth. "That's not what I meant. Where do you see our relationship?"

"I dunno." He shrugged.

"Do you see us being together?"

"I dunno. Why are you so worried about it?"

"Joe, do you want to get married, have kids?"

"Yeah, sure, in a few years. I'm not quite ready to settle down." he said, watching me.

"What do you want from me?"

"Now?" He asked. "To quit your job and find something better. Like a job at the personal products plant."

He was serious, he was really serious, when he said that. I rolled my eyes. "Joe, quitting my job is off the table. You told me a few days ago, you loved me but that didn't mean you wanted a relationship. Are you standing by that?" I asked him.

"Yeah," he hesitantly answered.

"Remember when you said there's you, there's me, and sometimes we're together but there's no us?"

"Yeah."

"You mean that too?" I asked him, already knowing the answer.

"Yeah."

"I think, Joe, that we're together because we have to be. It's acceptable to the burg for us to be together. Your mom stays off of your back about finding a woman, my mom stays off of mine. Now they just want us to get married but we can put that off. Which is fine because they think something might come of this 'relationship'. We both know nothing is going to come of it. We spend more time off then on. I don't want to get married, and I don't want to have kids. Are you okay with that?"

"You'll change your mind." He shrugged.

"No, Joe. I won't," I replied, my voice soft but firm.

I placed my mug on the table and stood. Joe's eyes watching me. "This is it." I said, my voice clear and strong.

"What?"

"You're right. There's me, there's you, and there was us. There will not be any more of us."

"You're being crazy, Cupcake." He rolled his eyes.

"No, I'm not. We're only together so our families will stay off our backs. That hasn't worked too well. You can find someone else to play house with."

I walked towards the door, finding my purse and shoes in the foyer. Joe followed me. "What brought this on? You were happy."

"Joe, I haven't been happy in a long time. I think it's about time I grow up and this is the first step," I answered as I slipped on my shoes. I gave him one last look, taking in his frustrated and confused expression before stepping out the door.

I closed it firmly behind me. I started the trek to my parents since they didn't live far. I needed to talk to my family. They needed to know first that things were about to change. I was done trying to live up to their expectations. I would see if I could get a ride home from my father or borrow Big Blue after that.

I stepped onto my parents' porch and knocked on the door. My mother opened it. "Why are you knocking?" she asked, ushering me inside.

"It's rude not to," I remarked.

My mother ushered me into the kitchen, sitting me down at the table. "What is it you need to tell us?" she asked. My mother and Grandmother sat with me, their eyes on me.

"I broke up with Joe," I started, before I could continue my mother cut me off.

"Why would you do that? He is your last hope to get married and have a family!" my mother shrieked.

"I don't want either of those things!" I snapped. I let out a frustrated noise. This was going to be a long conversation.

"How could you not want a husband or children? How will you fill the loneliness in your life? You'll grow into an old spinstress!" she scoffed.

"Why don't you care about what I want?" I asked her, causing her to stop with a look of shock. "I know I don't want a husband right now; maybe one day, but a committed partner would be enough for me. Remember what happened last time you pushed me to get a husband? I know I don't want kids." I paused to make her look me in the eye. "Stop pushing your lifestyle on me. I've never wanted it. If you want to continue being in my life you will stop pushing me to get married and pop out kids. Do you really want to lose your daughter over something like this?"

"I just want you to be happy," she whispered, tears in her eyes. Damn I didn't want to make her cry, but I needed to get my point across. I was going to go to hell for this.

"Isn't it enough to be happy without a man? If I have everything I need and want, doesn't that make me happy?" I asked her.

"I don't want you to have any regrets."

"I won't have any regrets if you let me live my life how I want to live."

She sucked in a shaky breath. "I can try." She sighed softly.

"Thank you."

"Mother, you're being quiet about this," my mother said to Grandma Mazur.

She smiled at us. "This has been a long time coming."

I laughed softly. "I'm glad you knew even if it took me some time," I said, patting her hand.

She laughed softly. "You weren't meant for this life," she answered. "Truthfully, I would have loved to be young during this time. So much more you can get away with," she said thoughtfully before grinning.

"Then again, I wouldn't have married your grandpa. The only reason I married him was because my father found out I slept with him before we got married."

"Grandma!" I laughed; half grossed out. The other half of me found this entirely funny.

"Mother!" My mom gasped, face going pale. I laughed again at the shock on her face.

"As much fun as this is, can I borrow Big Blue?"

"Yeah, sure. It's not like anyone's driving it." Grandma shrugged. She went to get the keys and my mother turned to me.

"If you're happy Stephanie, I can try and keep my mouth shut about your love life," she said.

I smiled. "Thank you."

After hugging them both, I left. I parked outside my apartment building and reached into my purse. I found my .38 and loaded it. I couldn't help but think that maybe someone was waiting for me. So much had happened there over these past couple of weeks, I didn't know if I was comfortable staying there moving forward. For now, I didn't have much choice.

I tucked the gun into the back of my jeans, the cold metal cooling my hot skin and causing a shiver to run up my back. I lugged my purse over my shoulder and locked Big Blue before walking into the building. I took the elevator up. When the doors opened, I found my eyes scanning the hall, hyperaware.

As I stood in front of my apartment door, my breath quickened. I closed my eyes, counting to five. I slid the gun from the back of my jeans after I unlocked the door. That should have been a good sign; the door was still locked, but from experience that didn't mean shit. I took another deep breath before pushing the door open.

I turned on the light in the entrance, illuminating the living room and most of the kitchen. Rex spun on his wheel on the counter, turning toward me and twitching his whiskers. I stepped into the hall and turned on the light. I looked into the bathroom first and then the bedroom, making sure to check the closet. I never thought I would have to clear my apartment before I felt like I could be alone in it.

Once I was sure the apartment was empty, I closed the front door, locking it. I made my way into the kitchen and fed and gave Rex some fresh water . He stood on his back legs and twitched his whiskers at me again as I reached in. I handed him a grape and he shoved it into his mouth. I smiled; he might not be the cuddliest animal, but he was cute.

I sifted through one of my drawers, finding a notepad and a pen to start my list. I sat with my laptop and pad at the dining room table. I opened my computer to start researching and making my list.

I knew my end goal was to leave Trenton, and probably New Jersey, but I couldn't just hop on a bus and see where it took me. I found a few classes that would work for me and wrote down the names and addresses. I would go visit the facilities and sign up for classes.

The next goal would be to take a Bond Enforcement Agent Course. I was tired of being disregarded by everybody. I lacked the training, I knew that. I needed to step up if I planned to keep doing skip tracing. That went a little farther down on the list. I couldn't afford it right now.

I stood, shutting the computer. First, I needed to check out these gyms and maybe I would see if any lots had a cheap car for sale.

XXXXXX

The bubbly girl from behind the counter led me around the gym. "As you can see, we offer private and group classes for the disciplines you're interested in."

"If I'm correct I have to pay a monthly membership and then fees for the courses?" I asked.

"Yes."

I nodded, biting my lip as I read the pamphlet she handed me. It was all very affordable. "Alright, where's the paperwork?"

She grinned. "Let's get back to the desk and we can get it started. If the course instructors are around, we can also introduce you to them. You wanted to take Beginners yoga and kickboxing, correct?"

"Yes."

XXXXXX

After leaving the gym, I felt myself smile. The first item on my list finished. As I was driving, I saw Sunny's. One of the items on my list was to learn to use my gun. It wouldn't hurt to stop by and see how much sessions would cost me.

I had heard it was under new ownership. The outside looked like it had been power washed for once. The red brick is actually red now and the Sunny's Gun Shop sign was now vibrant and new.

I slid from Big Blue and gathered my purse. I sighed, opening the door, the bell ringing as I entered.


This first chapter is one of my favorites, Might be on the slow side but steph is taking her life into her own hands. There's a new character coming in hot in the next chapter ;)