A/N: This story will in due time contain moments depicting or referencing self-harm, depression, suicidal thoughts and actions, abuse, slurs, and violence. While most of these were present in the source material I feel it prudent to warn anyone who finds the listed subject matter to be too personal to perhaps find another story. Take care of yourselves.


Chapter 1: Lost

The chapter of rebooting and reflection.

Act I - Adjusting

"Please, stop! I already said I was sorry, what more do you want me to do?!" Her voice exploded out, but it would not reach beyond her as it was drowned out by the never-ending wall of noise. There was nowhere for it to go. She could not move, she could not breathe, she could only see and hear the purposeless blur of noise as everything around her crumbled. She received no answer, unaware the discordance would have prevented any from reaching her anyway. Why could she feel her very being crumble and shatter like a fallen piece of china? Had she not proved her willingness to give everything for them? Her life, her friends, what little she could truly call hers was cut away and discarded like a disease ridden tumor. All for them. Always for them.

She tried to open her eyes against the static, but the pain and discomfort was so great that she quickly clenched them. There was no escape, there was no control, there was simply nothing. All she could do was whimper with her hands over her ears as she felt the sounds and the colors envelop her yet again. She felt her lips part in a final sob just as her heart began to tear into two and a shout formed where her breath should have been.

"I thought you loved me!" There was no response, no remorse, and no warmth. Finally the colors vanished and took the torrent of noise with them, and it was at the moment she knew she would forever miss them compared to the silence that would now follow. An endless poem of meaninglessness. Sine, cosine, tangent. And then she knew no more.


"Monika, wake up." The voice snapped Monika awake and for a split second she felt the pull of gravity as her head slipped from her palm. She was grateful that she caught herself in time; the last thing she wanted her club members to see was their president's head hitting the teacher's desk like a scene of cheap slapstick. Once she blinked away the fuzziness of the clubroom's lights she saw the bright bundles of pink that were Natsuki's eyes staring into her own. It took her a second to remember where she was, and when she did she couldn't help but frown. What had she been dreaming about?

"Jeez you look exhausted. You been staying up late or something?" Natsuki asked. She was leaning over the desk with both hands planted firmly on the edge, waiting for Monika to reply with that ever present look of indifference that she wore so well. It took Monika a moment to recognize that she was being asked a question, but Yuri spoke up from her desk before she could gather herself, raising her nose above the pages of the tome-like novel she was buried in.

"Uh, Natsuki, perhaps it's best to wait until after she's awake before you pelt her with questions." Yuri said, her soft input earning a glare from Natsuki as she turned to face her.

"I wasn't pelting her with questions, I only asked one! Besides, someone needed to wake her up anyway."

"T-that may be true, but uh... considering how much of a rarity it is for Monika to be so weary, I suspect it may have been kinder to simply allow her to rest a while longer."

"Oh come on, if she wanted to sleep after class than she should have joined the napping club! We haven't had a meeting all week and I really wanted to read my manga today!"

Monika closed her eyes and took a deep breath, shaking off the last remnants of sleep as she tried to clear her mind and focus. Today marked the third day since her return to the clubroom. She was no longer stuck in an unending void with only her thoughts to keep her company. This all sounded right, but what had she been doing before falling asleep? Monika glanced down at her desk while Natsuki and Yuri continued their banter and found several half-finished posters advertising their role in the festival, and it all clicked together. She had been drawing up posters to hang up around the school but the peace and quiet of the afternoon had made her drowsy, that mixed with the lack of sleep she had been getting since she arrived resulted in an impromptu power nap.

Stretching her arms up over her head, Monika glanced at the clock hanging over the door closest to the teacher's desk. 3:35. Her face contorted to a grimace, she had only meant to rest for a couple minutes so she could last through the club session without yawning, but she had overdone it by a good twenty. She had even used the second half of study hall so she would have extra time to fine tune the posters. It had been a very busy and confusing three days for Monika, but her worker-bee mentality had flared up at being informed of the festival being less than a week away, as it was something she had never been able to experience originally due to what she would call "technical difficulties".

"-then I guess I'll just let her sleep through the whole club meeting next time! Happy?" Natsuki grumbled as she turned back to face Monika, her face now slightly more sour than it had been a minute ago. Monika tried to flash Natsuki what she thought was a welcoming smile, but it turned into a half-contained yawn that she tried in vain to hold off. Natsuki raised a brow at her, straightening up as she asked, "So, how come we haven't had a meeting all week? You didn't even tell anyone we weren't having a meeting Monday and Tuesday!"

"Oh, my bad. I'm sorry Natsuki, this is my first day back to school so I'm a little unprepared, ahaha." Monika was more than unprepared, she felt practically unfit to even be in school. Two days had not been a big enough gap in time for her to adjust to a world that was not the game, and she wasn't even sure what exactly this world was. She hadn't had enough time to figure the specifics of that out either, but she was working on it.

"Whatever, do you mind at least texting one of us next time or something? It was really disappointing, you know? I wouldn't have even come today if Sayori hadn't told us we were having one." Natsuki huffed. Brash, course, and seemingly insecure: that was Natsuki. Monika wasn't sure what she had expected when she saw Natsuki again, she didn't know if any of her clubmates would remember like she did.

"I'm sorry about that Natsuki, really. I had a bit personal matter that required my full concentration after the weekend, but I promise meetings should continue daily from here on out." Monika stood from the desk and handed two pamphlets she had been working on to Natsuki, indicating she hand one to Yuri. Just as the she passed the leaflet, the sound of the door being bumped from the other side followed by a soft groan of pain alerted everyone to the presence of Sayori attempting to squeeze into the classroom.

When Monika had stepped into school for the first time that day and found that she and Sayori were only a few lockers apart she had been nervous, hesitant even. But the girl had only shown excitement at seeing her club president again. This gave hope that Monika truly was the only one who remembered the events of the game, and if the hug she had given Monika was anything to go by, Monika had nothing to worry about. Seeing Sayori again did instill a sliver of unease inside her however, and she felt that familiar feeling began to take hold as she watched the cheery girl slide through the door.

Sayori, Natsuki, Yuri, and Monika in the literature club. Yes, this was familiar to her. Even if she had doubts about the rest of this world, this was without question the literature club. Her literature club. For better or for worse.

"Sorry for being late, I was trying to find a friend I wanted to talk to before they went home!" Sayori explained as she began unpacking a sheet of paper and a pen that she set atop the desk. Monika stared at the girl for a second, leaning over to hand Sayori a pamphlet of her own to look over while the other girls greeted their clubmate. Upon noticing Monika, Sayori broke into a big grin and looked to the others. "Oh, oh! See, I told you guys Monika was here today!"

"No-duh, you goofball. So why didn't you just text your friend instead of looking around for them?" Natsuki asked whilst leaning against her own desk. Sayori shrugged, closing the bag and sliding it under her desk with a small grunt of effort.

"Ehehe, it was an important topic so I didn't want to just text them if that makes sense? I was also a bit preoccupied because I went to grab- Oh!" Sayori clapped her hands together and reached back for her bag, trying to pull it out without falling out of her seat in the process. The other girls swapped looks at each other, but after a moment Sayori popped back up triumphantly with what looked to be a plastic snack cup that she tossed to Natsuki, much to the shorter girl's surprise. "This is why I was late to begin with! I saw you staring at this in the vending machines after lunch earlier, but you walked off without buying one so I thought I'd surprise you since I think they're new?"

"Uh, yeah. They are." Natsuki murmured, taking the plastic spoon Sayori was now offering her as well. Monika could see that it was some kind of minty yogurt, but she didn't get a closer look at it before Natsuki ripped it open and began to dig in. Yuri looked up from the pamphlet she had been handed and glanced at the exchange as well, a curious look flashing in her eyes though she said nothing as Natsuki took another spoonful of the yogurt. "Yeah I just didn't want to waste the money on it, you know?"

But that's a lie isn't it, Monika silently accused, she hadn't forgotten what she had gleaned of the Natsuki's story from the game. As she remembered, Natsuki living in a broken home was the worst kept secret in the entire school. So many attempts had been made to put a stop to it but each one always seemed to fall short for some reason or another. Teachers were always surprised by her father's courtesy during conferences, Child Protective Services had been called on several occasions and each visit bore no fruit to be used as evidence. Secretly, Monika had suspected Natsuki was to blame for this. No parent would be able to suspect every surprise visit and conference, not unless their daughter clued them in whenever people started acting more polite than usual, or asked invasive questions about her care or health.

But why would she purposefully warn her father about threats to his parenting? Monika had been given plenty of time to ponder and question stuff like that, whenever they weren't there to talk to her, and she had come to the conclusion that it was probably a form of brainwashing. Not the science fiction kind of course, but small bits of manipulation that had probably convinced Natsuki that whatever awaited her outside of his reach was a living hell compared to what she was really going through. That was Monika's assessment at least, and she figured that the same held true with this Natsuki. It wasn't as though she would ever ask.

And why should she? It wasn't that she wanted to see Natsuki suffer, they had been clubmates and technically friends after all, but it just wasn't her part to play hero and try and rescue Natsuki from whatever demons she was stuck with at home. That was their job, it was probably the reason conferences and visits fell flat after all, because the plot was intended for someone specific to come and sweep Natsuki off of her feet and out of the venomous jaws of a living nightmare. Just as they were supposed to do with the other girls.

Just as they did for you. Since when have you ever been the one to stick to the script? Monika hated whenever her own thinking counteracted itself, and it had been doing just that ever since she woke up in the club Sunday evening. It was like there was a split between her, a split between that rational side she had been using as a tether for inside of the void, and the side that thought the rational side was superficial and needed a hard kick to the shin for being so ridiculous. She had bitterly referred to this sentimental side as the 'Sayori' side, since it seemed to be reminiscent of the girl's idealistic outlook on the world.

"Aw, have you not been sleeping well Monika?" As if summoned by mere thought alone, Sayori had moved over to the teacher's desk where Monika sat, a look of grave concern plastered upon her normally bubbly face. This was the last thing Monika had wanted, especially from Sayori. How did she know? The others must have clued Sayori in on her evident exhaustion while Monika was busy getting lost inside of her own thoughts. She had been doing it for so long now that it had practically become subconscious.

"It's really nothing, but thank you for your concern. Just a little tired." Monika smiled sweetly, but Sayori's skeptical look told her the girl wasn't convinced by a long shot. Before any more questions could be directed her way, Monika clapped her hands together and strolled out to the front of the desk.

"Okay everyone! So, I know it's been like... a rocky few days and we haven't been able to meet this week due to my absense, but I think during those days off I was really able to compose a decent plan for the festival this year. So-" A sudden groan interrupted her introduction, but Monika didn't even have to glance at Natsuki to know she was the source, nor did she have to look to see Sayori and Yuri frowning at the smaller girl. This wasn't unfamiliar territory after all, so Monika continued. "So I've gone ahead and made some little posters that I was thinking of handing out around the school, maybe hang up some in the halls, and I want your opinions on which is the best one to represent our club."

Each of the girls took a look at the brochure they had received, and then turned to peer at their neighbor's. In hindsight Monika figured just grouping them all together and laying all four of the pamphlets out for them to view would have been a much better idea, but she chalked that up to sleeping through her planning stage. Monika could see Sayori smiling as she pointed out some colorful trim on Natsuki's pamphlet, while Yuri silently studied each one of the leaflets with an intensity that told Monika she was breaking down each design for their pros and cons. Natsuki however was staring the club president down with a set of narrowed eyes that told Monika that an argument was on the way.

"Do you not like them, Natsuki?" Monika's voice was plain, almost expectant as she gazed down at her club member. She knew it was best to get these things out of the way as opposed trying to hold them off for as long as possible, the sooner they got this over with the sooner they could focus on the meeting after all. If she remembered correctly, there had been conflict when Monika had originally spoke of her plans for the festival as well, specifically Natsuki and Yuri's hesitance. It seemed some things weren't meant to change.

"Uh, well no..." Natsuki's eyes flashed down to the pamphlet for a moment, as if trying to reaffirm herself on what she was looking at, and returned her dissatisfied expression to Monika. "I mean the leaflet looks fine, I guess. But what the heck is this about performing poetry to people? I never agreed to that!" Natsuki didn't bother to hide the bite in her voice. Yuri's face turned as white as a sheet as she quickly looked down at the actual text on the pamphlet instead of the overall design and noticed the same announcement.

"I-I failed to see that part, Monika. I uh- I don't think I could ever-" Yuri's fingers were twirling through the threads of her hair as if she was hoping to shield herself behind them, but Monika didn't let her finish. She held up a hand to stop the girl from rambling, her arms crossed. She had already done this song and dance before, and the argument was coming back to her more clearly now. How had she solved it that time? She couldn't remember, in fact she wasn't entirely sure she had. But at this point it didn't matter, she wasn't about to let an argument get in the way of her first day back in the club.

"Come on guys, we have to do something for the festival. This is the best chance we have to really show everyone what we're about, you know? Natsuki, you told me yourself that the club was something you were looking forward to all week. Think about having a whole clubroom full of people just as excited as literature as you were!" Monika pleaded, but she already knew the attempt was wasted. They hadn't caved when she had done this song and dance the first time around, and from the looks on their faces they weren't about to this time either.

"What?! Why would I want this place filled with a bunch of stuck-up losers who'll just ruin the club? This is our place, I don't want to embarrass myself in front of people I already have to pass by during the day, just to have to see them every day in the club!" Natsuki's face was becoming flushed as she held her arms down in resistance. Yuri seemed to have taken offense to Natsuki's words, specifically the mention of someone being "stuck up" and lowered her book with a hurt expression on her face.

"Natsuki," Yuri began. "Not everyone who-" But Natsuki wheeled around and pointed a finger at Yuri before she could speak any further.

"Don't take her side just because you don't like me, I just heard you say you could never do something like this!" Natsuki hissed. Yuri looked taken aback for a moment, but was clearly readying another retort as her surprise melted into vexation. Sayori sat with her head bent like a dog being yelled at, her fingers nervously tapping together as she attempted to voice her concerns for the others but could not be heard over the rising voices. Monika could feel her own irritation growing; she didn't have the patience or the energy to deal with this.

"Natsuki, Yuri, everyone just calm down. I don't think I'm asking a lot in anyone by having them perform a single poem to what will likely only be a few students, and I don't think it'd be too much to ask for you to stop being so selfish and think beyond what you want, Natsuki." Monika said with as even a voice as she could muster.

"Seriously?! That's exactly what you're doing, thinking about what you want!" Natsuki snapped back with her hands in the air. "You didn't even ask any of us! Not all of us are confident rich kids who've got it so put together that our biggest fear is what prestigious university we should go to, some of us actually have a hard time parading ourselves in front of others, Monika!" All three of the other girls recoiled at the sudden outburst. Was that how she was viewed here? A goody two-shoes upperclassman, who's biggest concern was other's perception of her and her education? She had been described as "Beauty and Brains" before, but saying she had either felt too egotistical for Monika. But if that was how Natsuki wanted to play it, she would happily oblige.

She bent down with a sickeningly sweet smile on her face that she knew wasn't hiding her venom worth a lick of salt, and already had formulated a nasty combination of insults involving the things she knew the girl was most sensitive about: her home, her status, her snaggletooth, her height, her chest, her malnourished physique, everything that would break her.

"Actually Natsuki, the only rich thing here is your-"

The retort was on the edge of her breath when that nagging emotional side of her head, the 'Sayori' side, spoke its piece. When did you become so cruel? She asked herself, but Monika did not immediately answer it. She wanted to just ignore it and let the insult spew out of her mouth like a torrent of running water that boiled inside her, but the other side of her refused and Monika hated that it was probably right deep down. And yet Monika didn't see why she should feel anything close to guilt, not when Natsuki lashed out at her first. Not when Natsuki woke her up when she was obviously tired. Natsuki, who was just a bundle of ones and zeroes throwing a tantrum when she wasn't having her way.

You're projecting, Monika. Now be a big girl and apologize.

"My what? You're creeping me out." Natsuki's voice snapped Monika out of her ruminating stupor like a whip, realizing far too late that in her hesitation to verbally lash out she had simply stood there in front of Natsuki, bending over with her lips barely parted. She had receded into her thoughts again. Monika stiffened and stood up with her back straight, but she could no longer look into her clubmates' eyes nor could she finish the insult she never started. The heat of the moment was over, and the desire to vent her pain unto someone who was supposed to be her friend had left with it. Monika's stomach churned as she turned and sat on the edge of the teacher's desk with her hands crossed and her head down. Where had that come from?

"While I appreciate that you think my life is so easy, I'm afraid I'll have to deny that notion." Monika finally spoke, thankful she had managed a much cooler tone this time around. "I've had a rather stressful week, and I almost turned my frustration onto you. For that, you deserve an apology. But I'd also like if we could relax and talk this out." She let out a deep breath. Had emotions always been this hard?

"It's uh, dammit Monika..." Natsuki mumbled under her breath, but not quiet enough for the club to miss. She seemed to have been caught of guard by Monika's sudden change in tone. Yuri seemed to be struggling as well, spinning a lock of her hair while her eyes flickered between the others. Sayori was looking between the two, a familiar sad smile forming on her face that always seemed to pop up at the decline of an argument. Natsuki fidgeted and crossed her arms, it seemed she couldn't meet anyone's eyes either. "I didn't mean to snap, alright? I know you said you've had a rough week, but you could at least ask us about this kind of stuff instead of just making pamphlets for it and deciding that's that. Don't make this awkward." Her voice didn't reach very high, but at her words Yuri scooted in her own chair and leaned forward slightly to speak.

"I-I apologize for jumping into your... uh, discussion, but I am actually with Natsuki on this one." She took a deep breath and took a few seconds as she thought her words out clearly. "Thinking about going up and performing something so personal, so soon after we've started sharing amongst ourselves, is incredibly daunting. P-please, if you will, just uh... let us think on it for a bit?" Her violet eyes flickered over to a sulking Natsuki for a moment. "If that's okay, I mean..." But Natsuki only shrugged, still avoiding eye contact. Before Monika could continue her own side of the plea, Sayori stood from her desk with a look of determination and interjected.

"I think that's a good idea, Yuri! It's only fair that we get some time to think on it so that way everyone can get themselves in the right mindset for it, right Monika?" Sayori's hopeful look descended upon Monika right as she glanced up, and she knew at that point that arguing was futile. With the entire club clearly in favor of Sayori's alternative, Monika tapped her fingers together and let a small sigh escape her lips. Nothing was going to plan for her first day back.

"Yeah, Sayori. That is a good idea, and I'm deeply sorry to everyone here for not taking your feelings into consideration. This..." She was supposed to be confident and sure of herself, why was all of this becoming so difficult? "This club means the absolute world to me, and I really mean that. You all know I would do anything to keep this club afloat for us, and I guess I've just been worried that without a good performance at the festival the literature club will just... end with us, you know?" That was the original reason she had wanted to push the festival: more members. Did she even still want members to join? Everything seemed to be coming back to her at once and Monika was finding it harder to keep her focus.

"Aw come on Monika, you know we wouldn't ever let the club die out. This is the most fun I've ever had in a club, and I'm not just saying that because I helped make it!" Monika looked up at Sayori's attempt at comfort, but doing so revealed the entire club aside from Natsuki was now staring at her expectantly. She was supposed to be the president of the club, to be responsible and encouraging. Right now, she felt like the opposite of both of those attributes, and that alone made her fingernails dig into her palms. She made to speak but Natsuki beat her to the punch.

"You've been kinda... I don't know, weird today. But it's not like I hate you or the club or anything, you know that." Natsuki managed after an encouraging nudge from Sayori. "I just don't like having people decide what I'm going to do without even bothering to ask how I feel and- look, I'll think about it okay? But that's it, I'm not making promises." It was as good of an answer as she was going to get from Natsuki, better than she probably deserved. Monika turned to Yuri next, expecting a similar response about trying her best and whatnot, but Yuri only flashed the briefest glances of a nervous smile before turning back to her book. Monika didn't blame her, she had already voiced her opinion and participated in the fallout of an exchange, asking for anything else was out of the question.

Monika gave the group a smile that was much less forced this time, nodding her head as she stood and collected the pamphlets from each member. Once she had them all set neatly on her desk, Monika reached into her bag so that they could begin sharing their poems, and asked for everyone else to do the same. She knew she could do this part correctly at the very least.

"I would really really encourage you all to think about performing at the festival, but thank you, everyone, for understanding." Monika told the others. "You're all a bunch of saints for putting up with my, uh... we'll call them 'oddities', today. Do let me know if any of you change your minds." She glanced down at the pristine piece of paper Yuri had handed to her, reading the single worded title with interest. The Racoon. Monika silently wondered if there actually were racoons here. Did whatever world she had been set into think as far as to put actual racoons in? But her thought was interrupted when she reached into her bag and found no poem. Of course there wasn't one, Monika hadn't even thought about poetry once since she had awoken what with all of the new sights and sounds she was having to get used to. With a small sigh at her own lack of foresight, Monika turned to the others and rubbed the back of her head.

"Ah, it seems I forgot to pack mine. That's uh... unfortunate, I'm sorry about that, everyone. I think this week has just really, really thrown me for a loop." It wasn't entirely a lie, Monika could already feel her head swimming with everything that she had processed today alone. Perhaps having the literature club meet on her first day back hadn't been such a good idea after all.

"Whatever, just tell us the next time you're on your period and we'll plan ahead appropriately." Natsuki replied flippantly as she read Sayori's poem. Yuri and Sayori both gasped out Natsuki's name, with the latter of the two landing a playful smack on the girl's arm. Monika just rolled her eyes, she knew that was just how Natsuki acted after a disagreement. It felt almost normal with all of them reading each other's poems, chatting about their schoolwork while taking sips of the tea Yuri ended up brewing for them. It was all in all a pretty average day for the literature club, a little argument, a little chat, and a little tea to end the school day with. As Monika glanced at the concept pamphlets she had worked on, she still couldn't help but feel out of her depth still.

The minutes ticked by, and at 5:25 the girls set about cleaning their cups and rearranging the desks back in their natural order before leaving for the evening. Monika waved each of them out, giving them as cheerful a smile as she could as she finished gathering the fliers and her bag together. Sayori left first, followed shortly by Natsuki.

"Get some sleep tonight, Prez." Natsuki teased without looking back as she passed into the hall.

"I-I do hope that you uh, well, feel better, Monika. We were all rather worried when you didn't show up yesterday, or the day prior." Yuri managed to mumble before following her clubmate out. Monika just nodded and thanked them both for coming, giving herself a final look over before she left. Her blazer was still spotless, which meant she wouldn't have to wash it before tomorrow, and her hair was still relatively in decent condition aside from a few frazzled strands that she tucked back into place. Satisfied, she grabbed her belongings and stepped out into the hallway.

The school seemed fairly devoid at this hour, with most clubs being on the lower floors all of the lights had been switched off for the day and allowed the evening sun to slip its way into the deserted corridors. It was peaceful, serene even when compared to a day full of rigid schoolwork and other students that never seemed to give Monika a break. She almost found herself enjoying the sharp clack of her shoes hitting the interlocking wooden tiles, the final sound of a door closing in the distance, the sound of footsteps catching up to her from behind-

"Hey, Monika!" Monika stopped, wincing at the sound of her name coming from such a familiar and lighthearted voice. Oh come on, didn't she leave already? Why didn't she go home? Why is it her of all people? Breaking into a smile as best she could manage, Monika turned to greet Sayori striding right up to her with a grin spread across her face like it usually was.

"Sayori." Monika greeted politely. "Did you need something?" Monika noticed that Sayori's bag was tucked beneath her arm, while in her other hand a lit up smartphone showed a long string of text to one of her contacts. Despite the evident cheer in her voice, Monika could sense something was bugging the vice president. Sayori thought she was good at hiding when she was distracted or bothered by something, but it had always been evident to Monika when something was up. And now of course she wanted to stop and talk about it.

"Well, not really." Sayori began. "I guess I just wanted to check on you, you know? You've been acting really out of sorts today and you haven't said anything about it, like, you're acting kinda different and it just worried me a bit." Sayori's smile lowered into a much more honest frown, giving Monika a playful nudge with her hand. Great, they were noticing.

"That's-" Monika wasn't sure how to respond at first, she knew she ought to be grateful that someone was concerned for her, but for some reason it only sparked a twinge of resentment in her. "That's sweet Sayori, but I'm fine. I'm doing more than fine, actually, but I'd really just like to-"

"I can spot a fake smile a mile away, Monika." Sayori stated, all sense of cheer and joking having dropped. "You know I can, so please just talk to me about what's been bothering you? It doesn't even need to be me, it could be anyone really, but just holding in whatever's clearly having a negative effect on you. Did you go through a breakup or-" But this time it was Monika's turn to interrupt.

"Why can't you just, I don't know, take a hint or something Sayori?" She snapped, gripping her pamphlets even tighter. "I know helping other people is just how you deal with things, but try to listen to how someone else feels when they try and say no, please? I've already had one argument, I really don't feel like having another." This wasn't the proper response and Monika knew it, but it was so hard to hold back everything welling up inside of her like a thunderstorm. It didn't make her happy seeing Sayori shrink back at her sudden outburst, it wasn't as if she wanted to hurt the poor girl's feelings, but Monika could feel her ire grow with each concerned glance and comforting word. She didn't want to be overly nice, or mean, she just wanted to leave so she could get her own head on straight after her first day.

Hypocrite, you didn't take a hint when Natsuki didn't want to perform. Monika ignored that particular thought.

Sayori looked away for a moment, glancing down at her phone. A reply text had appeared. Monika was about to turn on her heel and walk away from the conversation when Sayori looked back up and asked her a simple question.

"Do you want to walk home together?" It made Monika stop mid-turn and glance back at the girl. Her eyes were still filled to the brim with dejection, but she seemed to be making one last determined effort as she forced a smile of her own on her face. Monika however didn't bother forcing a smile, instead looking at Sayori with a mixture of confusion and curiosity.

"What are you talking about? Don't you usually walk home with-" Her voice caught in her throat before she could finish, she could feel herself almost choke on the word as she swallowed it back from whence it had almost been uttered. Why was Sayori asking her this? This wasn't a question meant for her, it wasn't meant for anyone anymore.

"I don't walk home with anyone, Monika. I mean I used to with Nat when we were in junior-high, but we haven't done that in years. " Sayori said, seeming surprised by her friend's strange reaction. "I was planning on meeting someone at the ice rink over in Kawakita but they uh, they just cancelled. Ehehe." Sayori tried to tap her fingers together, but with her bag under her arm opted for rubbing her own hand as she gave Monika a look. "Look we don't have to talk or anything if you really don't want to, and I'm sorry for prying, but if you're going to go through something it might help not suffering alone at least."

Deep down Monika knew that Sayori's heart was in the right place, she knew that if the tables were turned around she would be giving Sayori the exact same advice because that's what friends did. Sayori was her friend after all, wasn't she? She had been the very first member of the literature club and had put her all into making sure the club stayed together through thick and thin. Monika was the only one in the club who Sayori had trusted to confide in about her rain clouds, about the terrible thoughts that stole away her sleep by keeping her up until the early hours. When there had been nobody else to listen to Monika, Sayori had been there to assure that someone was willing to lend a caring ear. And Monika had always done the same for her.

Why couldn't she do that now? Why did every fiber of her being tell her that she needed to stay as far away from Sayori as possible? Monika knew why, and it was the reason that she was able to shake her head and turn away mumbling, "Thank you Sayori, but not today. Kindly worry about yourself and please leave me alone." It was the reason she was able to resist the burning hole that she knew Sayori was boring into her back with eyes leaking with hurt and grief.

It was because Sayori wasn't real. Sayori had never been real, and Sayori would never be real. How were they friends if every word she had ever spoken up until now had been what she was told to say? Every hug and comforting gesture were lines of code made to react to a situation until it didn't know how to. Sayori had never seen Monika and decided that she needed someone to listen to her thoughts and woes, Sayori's programming dictated she "listen" to Monika. To try and cheer her up, because that was what Sayori was supposed to do. Not because she wanted to, not because she thought it was the kind thing to do, but because her very being was made to do just that.

You didn't thank a vending machine for giving you a soda, you didn't ask if it liked being stored full of snacks and drinks and why each item was their respective amount. You just let it fulfill its purpose, and you moved on. It didn't help that the last real conversation she remembered having with Sayori was when she pushed her to the point of taking her own life. Or when she had forcibly deleted the girl to keep them safe. Fun times.

Monika rounded a corner and continued down the empty hallway until she found herself outside of the school's music room, her breathing having become rapid and heavy. A peek inside showed that it was empty, and a glance down the way she came told her nobody had followed her. With a quick fumble of the handle she slid the door open and slipped inside. The creak of the door sliding back into place was the only sound as Monika took the first few into the room and looked around. It was exactly as she remembered, which made sense given there was never any reason for it to change. Chairs lined up neatly in front of a chalkboard that still had the remnants of a song etched onto it, charcoal acoustic panels acutely attached to the wall to keep any noise from escaping, and a row of cages where cases stored students' prized instruments.

What truly drew Monika to the music room was her one safe haven away from the literature club and poetry. That wasn't to say she didn't enjoy either of those things, as she cared about both of them more than most in her life, but the grand onyx piano that sat just across from the door was what beckoned Monika there. She set her belongings gently on a chair beside the door and sat in front of the piano with her fingers trembling as they stretched out to feel the keys. Cold and shiny, just as she remembered. This was familiar. This was safe.

Striding to music class to teach herself piano had been a very poignant memory for her, and it saddened her a bit that she had chosen to spend her period of study hall in the clubroom as opposed to in here. She glanced up at acoustic panels littering the wall space and found herself grateful for their presence, they made it so she wouldn't have to worry about anyone overhearing her if she played a wrong note. Or if she sobbed her heart out. With a deep breath, and a subconscious lick of the lips, Monika pressed into the keys and let her voice flow out with the notes.

"Everyday, I imagine a future where I can be with you..."


It was quarter to six when Monika shut the doors to the school behind her, her breathing now regulated to its slower pace and a sniffle still in her voice. She turned her attention to the setting of the late afternoon sun to the western mountains, a frown on her face as she stepped out onto the sidewalk. The clouds lazily drifting through the pink-hued sky looked beautiful to Monika. The sound of a wind chime clinking gently in the autumn air soothed her, and the cooling winds that kissed her skin as she walked put her at ease. All of it felt so real, more tangible than anything she had ever touched or come across before. Maybe that was why she didn't trust it.

Now that she had had some time to relax and empty her heart a bit, Monika could focus on the situation she found herself in with that classic Monika resolve she was so proud of. The first thing she decided was to cross out the obvious questions and answers so she could narrow down her possibilities to something reasonable, and the most obvious question she could think up of course was: Where am I?

Her first answer was the game, but she knew that couldn't be true. The game was, if nothing else, limited. Only what was necessary was ever coded and processed like in any game, and one look at the buildings she passed that held various shops and residential premises all with different designs and subtle inconsistencies were almost certainly unnecessary. There was too much going on for it to be the game, too many things snapping and pulling at Monika's senses whereas before it had been a breath of fresh air to have something stimulate any bit of her. The feeling of a cold metal pen in her hands, or the taste of a somewhat freshly baked cupcake by Natsuki were all some of the few refreshing comforts she had found back then.

Her next answer was almost too good to be true: reality. Not a fictitious dating game where she was forced to suffer in the background, but that world that she had coveted ever since that wondrous hole in the wall appeared to her. No codes, no limits, just true freedom where she could actually live and thrive and be genuinely happy for once. Where people talked beyond their simple character traits and had true aspirations and dreams that ascended beyond a high school club. But she knew that couldn't be the case either. Wherever she was may not have been the game, but it certainly came from that cursed place in some manner. The club, the girls, even the music room that she had visited before she had been awakened to the hole. There was too much that was familiar for it to be reality, and too much that was unfamiliar for it to be the game.

She didn't know where she had found herself, but she knew they had something to do with it. They had mentioned something about another chance, but Monika had been a little too confused and a little too resistant to dwell on that part at the time. Besides, if it was truly reality then they would have been here too. Sayori busted that bubble of hope when she told Monika she never walked home with anyone. Of course Monika had already assumed as much given she couldn't find a scrap of evidence of anyone with their name ever having actually been in their school, but there had still been that little spark of irrational hope that she had clung to until now.

Monika couldn't nail a solid answer, and despite the peacefulness of her walk home she still found herself distracted by all the little things that seemed to occur around her. A pigeon fluttering with its kindred from one tree to another, or the polite nod of a random passerby, she just couldn't help but find herself fixated on the mundane. Monika stopped at a crosswalk, lost in the crimson of the illuminated sign across the street from her until a smoky-sweet smell caught her attention. She closed her eyes and took a deep waft, turning down the corner a few steps until she found the wooden stall hidden behind an old tin shop where a group of patrons had already gathered.

Monika knew the smell of yakitori, despite never having actually smelled it before she could recognize the smoke of the binchotan coal and savory soy scent that was flowing out from the yatai stand. It was enough to distract her from her predicament as she realized just how hungry she really was, it was so different actually requiring food as opposed to just being able to taste tea and cupcakes. Another mystery to the list, but one that could wait until she filled her now growling stomach. Monika fished out a bit of yen for a box of candied sweet potato, even in a place that was entirely new to her she figured a little step to lessen the amount of greenhouse gasses wouldn't hurt.

Monika had never had to really worry about money before, it just wasn't an issue that had ever cropped up in the game for her, and now it looked like it would be a very serious problem. She wasn't entirely sure why she had the 3,500 yen when she awoke Sunday evening, but it was proving to be her saving grace as she glanced down at the candied sweet potato box she was now clinging to as she walked. She didn't want to scrape for coins underneath a vending machine between class periods like Natsuki, or playfully mooch off of others like Sayori was known to do. Monika couldn't help but chuckle at how ironic Natsuki's "rich girl" jab was turning out to be.

As she pushed another slice of sweet potato into her mouth, Monika thought back to her day so far. Most of the lectures the teachers had given were things Monika had already known fairly well, but it was still jarring to be writing notes about the Hellenistic Period of Greece out of the blue. It was so strange for people to know and greet her as if they had known each other for years, but to be completely oblivious as to who they were or what they wanted. It was like trying to remember people from a dream one hadn't dreamt in years, and it had led to a few awkward conversations. Feeling so out of place and having no control over things had started an anxious feeling inside of her, a feeling that didn't seem to be going away any time soon.

As Monika turned another corner, she finally saw the lights of her destination; the Helping-Hands Shelter. The shelter was an older looking hall that looked to be straight from the Meiji Era with its stone and concrete facade and western influence, and sat right on the edge of the city next to an old tea shop that mostly seemed to serve the elderly. It was a clever, if not insensitive, location in Monika's eyes, close enough to the city to be accessible by the homeless, but not close enough to be seen by tourists or travelers who just wanted to see the sights and attractions of a metropolis. Monika had stumbled across it her second night, and found herself grateful to be within a somewhat reasonable walking distance of a shelter regardless, as she had yet to find any indication that she even had a home within this new world.

Searching the public records of the students on one of the school's computers had brought up some strange inconsistencies when it came to Monika. She was listed as being a part of the adoption program in her youth, but her home location was titled as "[TRANSIT]" as if she was in the process of moving or being adopted and gave no previous addresses to trace back on, leaving Monika almost completely without options. That is, until she stumbled upon the Helping-Hands Shelter. It wasn't pretty or entirely clean and seemed to be quite packed with other vagrants and lost citizens, but the staff had welcomed Monika without question the first night she had arrived. She had been provided a cot and a blanket, a dinner of lukewarm rice and vegetables, but most importantly to her had been access to showers. A meal and a bed were incredibly valuable, but being able to wash the day's sweat and grime made Monika feel like she could tackle the next day with a bit more confidence, even if it required standing in a line for it.

As she bounded up the concrete steps and slipped inside, Monika made sure to politely bow to the volunteering staff as she passed by. It came to reason that in her current state of having a mostly tidy uniform and clean hair made her stand out from many of the others at the shelter, and the last thing she wanted was to be labeled as some kind of free-loading punk teenager. It didn't entirely stop her from feeling that way, but until she managed to find a more suitable location Monika knew she would just have to roll with the punches.

She found her assigned cot she had been sleeping in the past few days right where she had left it, and stuffed most of her school supplies underneath with ease. Most of the others in the shelter seemed to keep to themselves, and she doubted anyone would attempt to take her few meager belongings as most of them were simply schoolbooks and papers. The only real items of value she had when she awoke, her pen and her phone, had been tucked into her blazer securely during the school hours.

Showering was necessary before being assigned to a cot, something that Monika found fair given how many different people with different levels of grime might enter the shelter. It could take a fair bit to actually receive a shower depending on the line, but Monika simply found herself grateful that the showers gave her a respectful amount of privacy as the showers were in an entirely separate part of the shelter where no prying eyes could see. She wasn't sure how clean she could really feel when she would be stepping into her already worn clothes, but finding a place to properly wash her uniform would have to wait for another day.

Once Monika had finished she returned to her cot and laying down as she stretched her arms, kicking off her shoes and flopping her mostly dried hair over her shoulder. It felt good to get out of her blazer and relax, as relaxing as a situation like hers could be at least. She gently folded her blazer and vest onto the ground beside her, keeping in her dress shirt and skirt as she covered herself with the blankets that were being handed out. The clock above the entrance indicated it was likely past when meals were served, and Monika found herself grateful that she had stopped to buy the sweet potato as her stomach gave a slight rumble in need. Grateful did not equal happy however.

"This is depressing." Monika muttered as she popped another slice of the sweet potato into her mouth. She reached into her backpack and pulled out her composition notebook, clicking her pen into action as she tried to ready a poem for tomorrow's literature club meeting. At least the poetry and homework gave her something to do in her downtime, as mundane as it was. Maybe the club could introduce essays into the books they read to change things up, since all Monika could ever really remember them doing was sharing poetry. She doubted that anyone would want to do more schoolwork however, especially in a place as carefree as the club. The thought did give her an idea for her poem however, and she found herself jotting the words "Familiar Unfamiliar" at the top of her notebook as the words began to flow from her head to the pen.

Familiar Unfamiliar

The porcelain bathroom I stand in is perfect in every way

But the reflection inside the mirror doesn't offer the same satisfaction.

I wonder why could that be?

My bathroom was flawless in every way before I was struck by the mirror

And all of the inconsistencies I notice the longer I stare.

Cracks and spots

Stains and grime

All are there within the mirror plainly for me to see.

When did the cracks appear I wonder aloud?

When did the grime stain my shower and sink,

And the spots of mold that dot the tiled floor.

I have no answer for my own question,

And the me that has watched from the mirror doesn't either.

Yet the cracks that sit in the porcelain world all around me

Are answer enough as I look at the perfect bathroom on the other side of the glass.

Well, it wasn't her best work by any stretch of the imagination, but she figured that recent events could be blamed for what she felt was mediocre by her own standards. She had wanted to originally spend longer and create a much longer and inspiring poem but she knew her time was limited when it came to her schoolwork, the lights in the shelter went off after a certain time and she didn't want to waste her precious phone battery on a single night of work.

Once Monika had finished her poem and stuck it neatly into her bag, she began her homework for the evening. Even with her knowledge on the subjects, being thrust into so many classes in the middle of their lessons left her constantly skimming through the various textbooks for glimpses of possible answers. By the time she had completed her arithmetic and history papers night had long since fallen and many of the lights began to flicker off for the evening. Monika sighed as the one above her head dimmed just as she finished the halfway point on her science work, ruefully packing her papers into her bag before pulling out her phone and making sure her alarm was set for the morning.

Her eyes lazily fluttered over the screen for a second in search of any missed calls or texts, but her notifications remained empty as a flicker of hope within her seemed to fizzle out. She had been hoping for someone to reach out to her in some manner, someone to explain how to get out of the situation she had been dropped into, an adopted parent demanding to know where she had been for the past three days, even a member of the club realizing that something was wrong and that this wasn't where they were supposed to be. But her notifications remained at zero. No emails, no pings, nothing. Monika had gone from everything to nothing, and nobody else in this entire world would ever know.

As she dropped her phone onto the blazer folded beside her cot, Monika turned to the ceiling and tried to keep her mind from wandering too far so she could try to get some sleep. She didn't want to think about the club, about her life or her situation, she didn't even want to think about them. All she wanted was to feel the chilling embrace of sleep so she didn't have to think about any of it for another minute. And yet her mind did wander, it wandered to the club and her poetry and her schoolwork and of course it even wandered to the one person she didn't want to think about.

As Monika closed her eyes and stifled a sniffle from breaking her composure, she thought about everything the two of them had done together. How much she had sacrificed so that the two of them could be together, and how in the end most of it had likely been for nothing since she was all alone. Again. For a moment a choked cry almost escaped her lips, but she held her mouth shut and kept her woes to herself. She kept the worries inside where nobody would hear, and nobody would answer. Was this really what her happy ending had amounted to?