Professor Professor had been unusually quiet while shopping for dress clothes. This was because he was actually shopping for clothes to wear at the funeral of one of his old teachers, Professor Bichitaru. Part of him hoped that Doctor Doctor wasn't also here to look for funeral clothes and that she wouldn't actually show up at the funeral. As if it wasn't bad enough that they were exes, they also happened to be bitter rivals now, with Doctor Doctor in particular being the founder of a terrorist organization. Besides, what would people even say about that?

"So, Professor Professor, I take it you're also going to Professor Bichitaru's funeral?" he suddenly heard a familiar voice ask.

Goddamn it. He turned around and saw her. He so wasn't looking forward to this.

"I certainly wasn't expecting to see you here," Doctor Doctor continued. "I was starting to think you were dead. Part of me wanted to call and ask if you were still alive."

"Don't start," Professor Professor replied tersely.

"So what are you doing here anyway? Just wanted to see some old friends outside of work?"

"I'm just trying to get ready for a funeral, that's all. I don't really have any other plans for tonight..." He paused briefly. "...unless you want to come over and experiment for old time's sake, if you catch my meaning."

It was enough to get Doctor Doctor all flustered up and blushing. Professor Professor couldn't help but find it amusing that she blushed like that whenever he'd reference their past sex escapades.

"Ugh, no!" Doctor Doctor quickly replied, still blushing like hell. "I have more important matters to attend to, thanks! Thought I might want someone to keep me company after the funeral."

"Who, Neville Thunderbottom?" Professor Professor jokingly asked.

"Maybe... or maybe I just want to see you afterwards."

That completely caught him off guard. He also couldn't deny the fact that he was blushing. "You're not serious, are you?"

It was at this point that Doctor Doctor started laughing. "Of course not! You should see the look on your face, though!"

Still blushing, Professor Professor just huffed and quickly grabbed the clothes he wanted from the shelves.


At the check-out counter, Professor Professor started laying out every single article of clothing that he'd bought that he'd be wearing to the funeral: a white dress shirt, a black jacket, matching black dress pants, a red tie, and black leather shoes.

"Did you find everything okay, sir?" the cashier asked him.

"Oh ja, it was all great," Professor Professor replied. "Aside from one bit."

Doctor Doctor raised an eyebrow at him, her arms crossed against her chest. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Stop acting so obtuse," Professor Professor said, slightly miffed. "You know exactly what I mean."

"Am I that much of a chuffer to you?"

"What do you think?"

Once Professor Professor had paid for all the clothes he'd bought, it was Doctor Doctor's turn to checkout. She started laying out every single article of clothing that she'd bought that she'd be wearing to the funeral: a black dress with a neckline that peaked below the cleavage and matching open-toed high heels.

"My, my, someone wants to show off at the funeral," Professor Professor remarked both snidely and flirtatiously.

All Doctor Doctor could respond to that was, "Don't start."

It was Professor Professor's turn to raise an eyebrow now. "Why are you going anyway? I thought attending an old professor's funeral would've been beneath you?"

"Not this professor. She was my favorite professor next to Professor Zoowottel. I think what I liked most about her was that she wasn't afraid to take risks. Too bad doing just that turned out to be her fatal flaw."

"I mean, she's the only person I know to die from autoerotic asphyxiation. That's definitely something I never expected to happen." Professor Professor punctuated the sentence with a shrug.

"You have to admit, though. She was a great engineering professor."

Professor Professor couldn't help but chuckle at the memories he had with Professor Bichitaru. "Yes, she was."

"I'm certainly going to miss her. Aren't you?"

Professor Professor nodded solemnly. "Ja, I'm going to miss her."

All of a sudden, a little boy walked up to Doctor Doctor while holding an adult woman's hand.

"What do you want?" Doctor Doctor asked, slightly irritated by his sudden presence.

"My mummy says she wishes you were dead," the child simply replied.

"Well, maybe you should tell your mummy to mind her own business."

"Up yours, minger." The boy punctuated his sentence by blowing a raspberry.

With that, the boy was led away by the woman who was presumably his mother.

Professor Professor tried his best to suppress his laughter. "Well... that was certainly a conversation."

"It certainly was," Doctor Doctor rejoined.

It was at that moment that Professor Professor started walking away with his shopping bag in hand. "Alright, I have to go home now. It was... nice talking to you, I guess. I still can't believe you're showing up to the funeral."

"Well, I asked one of my Expendables to take over for me for a while while I take some time off. Expendable Chartreuse Yellow Twenty-Four seemed pretty eager to take the helm while I was gone, though maybe a little too eager."

Professor Professor smirked despite himself. "I can't imagine why."

"Shut up. Don't you need to go home or something?"

"Ja, ja, that's right." Professor Professor started heading off for home. "Okay, I'm going home now, for real this time."


Once Professor Professor had arrived home to his flat, he decided to put away his funeral clothes for now and start getting ready for bed. First, though, he had to give his boss a call and ask for the day off to go to Professor Bichitaru's funeral. He quickly dialed in the chief of U.Z.Z.'s number and waited for him to pick up.

"Hello?" the older man muttered on the other end.

"Yes, I was wanting to ask you something," Professor Professor said.

"Okay, but first, I need to tell you my new name of the day. As you already know, for reasons of security, my name is Changed Daily. Today, you may call me..." A beep could be heard on the other end. "Oh... Boaty McBoatface."

Professor Professor burst out laughing for a few seconds, then quickly forced himself to calm down. "Oh, right. Boaty McBoatface, I was wanting to ask if you would give me the day off."

"Erm, of course. What for?"

"One of my old professors, Professor Bichitaru, recently died. She accidentally killed herself during autoerotic asphyxiation, and I'm supposed to be attending her funeral tomorrow."

"Oh my. That sounds awful."

"You have no idea. Also, would you mind attending the funeral with me? Doctor Doctor's also going to be there. I want to make her jealous."

"Sorry, I've already got plans with Lucy Woo. Thanks anyway, I guess."

Professor Professor just shrugged off the rejection. "Oh well, it was worth a shot. Alright, I have to get ready for bed. Expect me to come back the day after the funeral."

"Will do, Professor Professor. Good night."

"Good night."

With that, Professor Professor hung up and started getting ready for bed. Damn, he really needed a fake date for this funeral. It was time to go with Plan B.