Author's Note: Hi! This is my first Dear Evan Hansen fanfic! I love Dear Evan Hansen so, so much. I am so excited to be publishing this. This isn't my best work, but it's decent.
If you would like to review, please state your opinion kindly.
Well, I hope you all enjoy!
Trigger Warnings: thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts, depression, anxiety, and loneliness(if that counts).
Sincerely,
Me
Nobody Can Hear
Chapter 1: Something to Say
"If you're not doing something illegal, you're looking on your phone!" Larry shouted.
"That isn't even true! I read, you know!" Connor retorted, crossing his arms aggressively.
"When? I haven't seen you pick up a book since you were six."
"That's because you haven't been around since I was like, six!"
The room went quiet.
"Just have the stupid phone." Connor mumbled, pulling it out of his pocket and shoving it on the counter.
He stormed up the stairs, his combat boots clomping loudly.
He was about to enter his room, when he heard the faintest noise coming from Zoe, his younger sister's room.
It wasn't the sound of a guitar, as usual.
It was quiet, muffled, and sounded like she was trying to hide it.
Connor couldn't help himself.
He put his ear up to the door, concentrating on figuring out what it was.
Crying? Is she crying?
Connor found it nearly impossible that his seemingly perfect sister was crying.
A part of him wanted to continue on as normal, and just go into his room and listen to some music, but then the soft, in his opinion (and probably everyone else's) much smaller, part of him wanted to go in and see what was wrong.
He continued on into his room and lied down on his bed.
But as he listened to the loud music, his mind kept wandering back to that pathetic crying sound.
She sounded so, sad. Maybe she's more like you than you thought, Connor.
No. That was impossible. No way he and his sister were alike.
But I should still go in there and try to comfort her, even if she shouts at me to get out.
Connor stood up, taking his headphones off and putting them on the bookshelf built into his headboard, and walked quietly over to Zoe's room.
He tapped lightly on the door.
"I'll be down in a second!" he heard her yell in a hoarse voice.
"Zoe, it's, it's Connor." he said awkwardly, biting his lip.
"Oh. Go away."
"Zoe. Can I come, in?"
"Please stop bothering me."
"I just wanted to see if you're okay." he barely whispered.
A few seconds later the door opened the slightest bit.
"Come in." Zoe said hesitantly, opening it a bit wider.
Connor stepped inside as Zoe shut the door behind him.
Wow.
He hadn't been in her room in a long time.
Let's just say last time he'd seen it the floor was covered in Barbies.
"Is this some sort of joke?" she asked, sitting down on her bed.
"What? Oh, no. I, I just thought I heard you crying...but that was stupid cause you clearly weren't." he stumbled, scratching the back of his neck.
Zoe looked up at him, tears glimmering in her eyes.
Connor looked her in the eyes for a split second, but quickly glanced away.
"Oh. What's, what's wrong?" Connor asked, feeling really weird.
He hadn't done something like this in a LONG time.
Zoe looked weirded out also.
"Nothing. I'm good now. You can continue on."
"Zo. I can tell you're lying. You can just say. I'm not going to hurt you." Connor said, using the nickname he had always used to call her.
More tears filled her eyes at that.
I'm not going to hurt you.
He sounded so, warm.
So kind.
So, brotherly.
What was going on?
"It's really nothing. I'm good."
"Zoe."
"I was just crying cause I felt like it, all right?"
"Why-why did you, feel like it?"
"I mean, everything's been stressful, lately. With school starting back up in two days, and with mom and dad bickering, and with the loneliness surrounding me wherever I go-" Zoe's voice cracked. "It's hard, feeling like nobody notices that you're struggling. Feeling that your own parents don't notice that your struggling, because they're too busy worrying about their son instead. Just because you get mad in front of them, they worry. If I cried in front of them all the time, I'm sure they might worry, but it's not like they care. They believe that fake, stupid plastered on smile. They don't remember my real one. I don't even remember my real one. I feel invisible. Like I don't matter." she whispered, gazing out her window, past Connor.
When she glanced back at him, tears were slowly trickling down his pale face.
Zoe just sat there, unsure of what to do.
She hadn't seen her brother cry since he skinned his knee when he was seven.
"I get it." Connor whispered, looking down at the bracelets on his wrists.
"You, you do?"
"Yeah. Why do you think I'm always so angry?"
"I don't know, anger issues?"
"Well, kinda. But, it's the only way I know how to control my emotions. If I don't let myself cry or get upset, what else can I do? I don't know, so that's why I get so angry." he explained, his eyes wandering around the room.
"Oh,"
"I'm-I'm sorry, Zoe. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for threatening you, and hitting you, and slamming on your door, and getting angry at you for no reason, and-and for sucking at being an older brother. I'M HORRIBLE." Connor shouted, still sobbing, and kicked Zoe's wall.
He instantly jerked back, sitting down on her bed and pulling his shoe off.
Under his sock, his foot was bright red.
"Oh sh-"
"Connor." Zoe reprimanded.
"I was gonna say shoot!"
"All right...Is your foot okay?" she asked, looking down at his injured foot.
"No. I'm an idiot. Why'd I just kick a wall?! This is what I mean about getting mad for no reason! Most people would've just. Sobbed. But of course I had to go and kick a wall!" Connor groaned, rubbing his forehead.
"It's fine, Con. Who cares if it left a dent. Mom and Dad never come in here, anyway."
"Well, about that. I'm sorry about that, too. Trust me- I don't want them to dedicate all their attention to just me, or any at all. If they aren't gonna comfort me or help me, I don't want it. I, I care about you, if that helps, at all. It probably doesn't, cause you just know me as your sucky older brother whose angry and yelling all the time. Sorry."
"You're not a sucky older brother. And, it helps a lot. I care about you too, Con. Even if you feel like no one would notice if you were gone. But I would definitely notice if you left. I would be devastated if you, disappeared." Zoe said.
Connor knew why she said disappeared like that.
He should've known Zoe would know he'd thought about taking his own life.
We used to be so close.
"I love you, Zo." Connor breathed, smiling at her.
"I love you too, Con." Zoe said, really smiling, then pulling him in for a hug.
Connor was so surprised at first, that he sort of just froze.
Then he realized he hadn't hugged anyone in years. And, it felt so comforting.
He quickly started to squeeze her back.
"I'm sorry, Connor." Zoe said, her chin leaning on his shoulder.
"I forgive you, for whatever it is you did." he laughed, still hugging her.
"I forgive you too, Con."
"Remember when we climbed that tree, and hid up there for hours before they found us?" Connor laughed.
"Yeah. That was funny, for us, at least." Zoe chuckled, her eyes twinkling.
"Connor! Zoe! Dinner!" Cynthia called from downstairs.
"Coming!" they shouted, hopping up from Zoe's bed.
"Will you stay at the table tonight?" Zoe asked, grabbing a hold of his wrist before they descended the stairs.
"Of course."
"Hey, Mom. What's for dinner?" Zoe asked, going over to the table.
"Lasagna and salad." she said, handing Connor his plate.
He took it, heading over to the table.
Cynthia raised her eyebrows in confusion as Connor sat in his chair, next to Zoe.
She sat in her chair as Larry entered the kitchen.
"Hey Cynthia. Hey Zoe. Oh, hey Connor." Larry said, clearly shocked to see his son at the table.
"Hi. Hey. Hey, Dad." Cynthia, Zoe, and Connor responded as he sat.
"So, how was work?" Cynthia asked her husband.
"Fine." Larry responded, taking a sip of water.
"Are you looking forward to your last year of school, Connor?" Cynthia inquired, setting down her fork.
Connor didn't want to be disrespectful, so he just stared at his nails, picking at the black polish.
"Connor. Your mom asked you a question." Larry said sternly.
"What if I don't want to answer?" Connor tried to reply as calmly as he could.
"When your parent asks you a question, you answer."
"What do you think, Dad? Do you think I want to go back somewhere where the other kids hate me and call me a freak and think I'm a complete psychopath!? Would you want to go back there?!" Connor yelled, fighting against the tears threatening to spill from his eyes.
"Connor." Cynthia said, reaching out a hand to try to calm him down.
"No. And why don't you guys ask Zoe if she's looking forward to school? Do you even care about her? Do you even realize she's still here?! She's human too, you know! She has feelings! She still needs you, even if she doesn't say anything! Have you guys ever thought about that?!? Huh?!"
So much for staying calm.
"You will not talk to your parents like that Connor Murphy. Go to your room."
"My first night trying to actually be a part of this family and you're sending me to my room? You didn't even give me a chance to say I'm sorry. You really hate me that much?" Connor said, sounding extremely hurt.
"Connor." Cynthia breathed.
"He's right." Zoe whispered.
"What?" Larry asked, looking at Zoe.
"Connor's right. You didn't give him a chance. You've never given him a chance, Dad." Zoe said firmly, setting a hand on Connor's.
Connor gave a small smile at his sister.
"They're sort of right, Larry." Cynthia said, glancing over at her husband.
Larry stayed completely silent, until he cleared his throat, quietly but firmly saying "You've never tried to be a part of this family."
Connor's lip quivered as he shoved his chair away from the table, bolting up the stairs.
Zoe had tears rushing down her cheeks, Cynthia had an unreadable look on her face, and Larry had a cold glare on his face.
Connor ran straight into the upstairs hall bathroom, slamming the door, since his own room didn't have a door.
You've never tried to be a part of this family.
Never tried.
A part of this family.
Never.
Never.
Connor burst into tears, crumbling to the floor.
"I try so hard!" he sobbed, pulling his hoodie fully around himself.
He stayed on the bathroom floor for who knows how long, sobbing full volume.
What if I just stop trying?
Connor shakily stood up, using the back of his hand to wipe his face.
He pulled open the medicine cabinet, his hand hovering over a half full bottle of pills.
Just stop trying.
Just stop.
Stop.
"Connor?"
He slammed the cabinet shut, closing four of his fingers in.
"Ow!"
"Con?!" Zoe yelled from the other side of the door.
He opened the door, sitting up on the counter.
"What was that? Are you okay? What happened?" Zoe instantly asked, her eyebrows furrowed.
"I shut my hand in the cabinet." he responded, running his fingers under cold water.
"How?"
"Well, I opened the cabinet and accidentally shut my-my hand in." Connor stuttered.
"I'm sorry, Connor. I know how much you try to be a part of this family. I really do." she whispered, her eyes shining with tears.
He pulled her into a hug.
"I really try, Zo. I really do." he whimpered, holding onto her tightly.
"Shh, shh. I've always wanted to be close to you, Con. Really. But I've never known what to say. Or how to say it. I've always realized how hard you try. I just don't know how to a acknowledge it without getting into a fight. But now you know. Now you know how much I love you, and how wonderful I think you are." Zoe smiled, breaking up the hug but taking his hands in her own.
Connor cried quietly.
"You, you really love me-me? And-and you actually think I'm w-wonderful?" he asked, gazing down at her.
She nodded. "Absolutely."
"I think you're wonderful too, Zoe. And I love you. So much."
"Kids?" Cynthia asked softly, entering the bathroom.
"I'm so sorry, for everything." she apologized sincerely, taking them both in her arms.
They both leaned their heads on her shoulders.
"I'm sorry too, Mom." Connor whispered.
Cynthia held them both tighter.
"I'm so sorry for not paying enough attention to you, Zoe. I'm so sorry for forgetting you all the time. I'm so sorry for not checking on you, or asking you if you're all right. I'm so sorry!" Cynthia cried, holding the back of Zoe's head.
Zoe closed her eyes, trembling violently.
"I, I can't." she murmured, stepping away from her mother.
"You can't what?"
"I can't forget what you've done, more like what you haven't done. I'll try to forgive you, but I'll never be able to forget it. It, it hurt too much." Zoe said, still shaking hard.
"I know. I'll never be able to forget it, either. I'm always living with guilt. I feel like I'm failing as both of your mother. I'm failing." Cynthia quietly admitted, glancing up at her children.
They were both shivering and crying softly.
"I think we all sort of are." Connor said, laughing a bit. "I mean, isn't a human always gonna fail in some way?"
Zoe and Cynthia nodded.
Suddenly, they all heard a loud slam from downstairs.
Connor immediately rushed out of the bathroom, going down the stairs quickly.
He bolted to the front door, pulling it open.
Larry was just shutting the door to his car, revving up the engine.
Connor went over to the door, knocking on the car window.
Larry rolled it down.
"Where are you going?" Connor asked weakly.
"I'm just driving around."
"Around where?"
"'Just driving' means I didn't plan a route. Goodbye."
"S-See you later?" Connor asked, looking down at his father.
Larry rolled up the window.
"Dad? Dad?" he said, tapping on the window.
Larry started to pull out of the driveway.
"Dad!" Connor called, going after the car.
It drove down the street.
"DAD!" Connor shouted full volume as the car started to fade from view.
Cynthia and Zoe came outside a second later, going up to Connor, pulling him back onto the driveway, out of the street.
"He left. And it's my fault." he breathed, standing there, unmoving.
"It isn't you, Connor. He left because he was wrong. He hates to be wrong." Cynthia explained, rubbing his arm.
"But-but I asked if-if I'd see him later, and, and he just ro-rolled up the window! He's not coming back!" Connor wailed, falling to his knees.
Zoe sat down next to him, wrapping her arms around him.
Cynthia sat down as well.
"Oh, kids." she sighed as Connor leaned his shaking head on her shoulder.
I hope you all enjoyed! If you want another chapter, leave a review saying so! (I already have a fewmore). Thank you for reading!
