Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel, Elder Scrolls, Mass Effect, Dragon Age, Final Fantasy, Harry Potter, or anything else that finds its way into these pages. No disrespect intended, only homage, no profit made, only entertainment intended. If you're a fan, read it, if you don't like it, stop reading. Simple as pie.
Rating: M for Mature. Please respect the rating. This story deals with sensitive subjects like rape and the sexual abuse of a child. It is not graphic but there is a great deal of aftermath.
Summary: An AU look at the life of Loki, whose name is ancient Nordic for "Tangled," from beginning to… well, not end, but until the tangles start to untangle at last.
Spoilers: Few but possible throughout the comics and the entire MCU, although I don't know yet whether the MCU will even come into play here. Currently we are long, long before any of that takes place.
Prologue: Secrets
Put it in the closet, then lock the doors.
Wondering which one is worse.
Is it mine or is it yours?
Put it in the closet, then lock the doors.
Wondering which one is worse.
I'll show mine if you show yours.
I'll show mine if you show yours.
- "Secrets" by P!nk
Have you ever looked at someone and wondered how they could have seemingly everything – brains, beauty, sex, power, a life of luxury and leisure – and yet be so broken that the pieces cannot be made to fit? Do you blame them for it? Certainly they may hold some or even most of the blame, but there are always other factors involved. Everyone has a story, some banal and others intriguing, but no two the same. This story is mine. I am Loki, son of Odin, and this is my side.
Chapter One: Hate Me
Hate me today, hate me tomorrow,
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you.
Hate me in ways, yeah, ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.
- "Hate Me" by Blue October
For all Asgard was aware, it was a most auspicious beginning. After a long and mysterious absence from Court, Queen Frigga suddenly reappeared, along with a newborn infant. It was said that her absence was due to complications with the pregnancy, though such things were almost unheard of amongst Nords. No one chose to doubt it, or at least to give voice to any doubt, and the baby was healthy, so all rejoiced in this new addition to the Royal Family. He was christened and presented to the Court, as was tradition.
It was at this ceremony that things first went a bit cockeyed, as it were. When the child was named and raised up so that the Court could properly see him, a beam of sunlight came pouring in from one of the stained clerestory windows high above, struck the huge sapphire crystal that hung above the King's throne, and refracted off of it directly onto the newborn. Even just as it stands, some might be persuaded by superstition to take it as a miracle, but there was far more to it – millions of years ago, when the Divine Kings sat the throne, the Royal Heir was chosen in just such a manner. According to all history, the crystal had never lighted another child since the line of Divine Kings died out, over two million years ago. The incident took the christening and presentation ceremony from a tedious necessity to the talk of the Court on the instant.
Odin Borrson, known to all as Alfadir, meaning "All-Father," was the only King pretty much anybody alive in Asgard had ever known. He'd come to the throne as a mere child of only a few hundreds of years of age when his father decided (rather abruptly and mysteriously) to abdicate in his favor, and was now over seven thousand years old – two thousand years older than even the strongest Asgardians could generally expect to live. The early years of his rule were shrouded in a haze of forgetfulness. No one knew much more about them than what was written down in the greatly whitewashed histories. This was due to the great Asgardian political tradition of holding on to gossip and trying to outlive its subjects so that you could destroy their legacy after death. Odin seemed in a fair way to outlive any and all bad gossip there might have ever been about him, and go down in history as a Golden Reign. Most people of the realm believed that he was the first resurgence of Divine Kings, blessed by the gods with extraordinary power and wisdom. But even he had not been chosen by the crystal.
The buzz in the Throne Room grew to a cacophony in a heartbeat. Queen Frigga took the child from the Royal Steward, careful not to touch the infant where he was not swaddled. Odin stepped to the front of the dais and gestured for silence.
"Alfadir, is the child to be your Heir?" a noble called from somewhere near the front of the Court.
"No," Odin said. "Thorvald is eldest. He will remain my Heir."
"But the crystal! This was a sign from the Divines!" someone else said.
"This was a coincidence, a simple trick of light refraction," Odin said. "Nothing more."
"Their Royal Majesties repaired to more private environs, showing that the matter was final, but Frigga spoke quietly with her husband.
"What do you suppose it means?" she said.
"It means nothing, just as I said. It was just a trick of light."
"But what if it wasn't, Husband?"
"It has to be. You know as well as I do why Lodr cannot be the Chosen King of Asgard."
"He is not his father."
"He has his father's bloodline. Laufey's child cannot be King of Asgard."
"You said you would not hold it against him, Odin."
"I do not. I promised you I would raise him as my son and I shall. But I will not make him my Heir."
"She stopped walking. Odin drew ahead of her several paces before he noticed and turned.
"Do you blame me?" she asked, quietly.
"Of course not. Nothing that occurred was your fault." Odin shook his head and passed one big hand across his brow. "It was mine. I'm the one that sent you on that wretched mission."
"It needed to be done," Frigga said.
"Did it? Did it really? Could I not simply have pushed up my plans for invading Jotunheim and circumvented the need for all of it? This –" he gestured to the child in her arms – "didn't have to happen."
"Granted, I did not want bear Laufey's child," Frigga said, "but now that I have, I fully intend to love him with all my heart. He does not bear his father's sins."
"I offered to do away with this problem for you – for us both," Odin said.
"He is not a problem, he is a child. My child."
"I don't understand how you can bear to look at him, after what was done to you."
"As I said, he had no part in that. He was simply what came of it. And I'll thank you not to speak that way once Lodr is old enough to understand you."
"A thin, unwilling smile bent the outer corner of Odin's mouth below his eyepatch. "Are you really going to call him by that ridiculously outdated name?"
"Probably not, not day-to-day. It means 'tangled,' it seemed appropriate, given his situation. In modern usage 'Loki' means the same, I shall probably call him that."
"Why didn't you just name him 'Loki' from the outset?"
"I don't know. Lodr seemed more official for a member of the Royal Family. Why did you name Thor 'Thorvald' and not simply Thor, as everyone calls him?"
"He'll not thank you for it. And that middle name. 'Hvedrungr?' I'm not even entirely certain I know what it means."
"Sky-Traveler.' I don't know why, but it felt right."
"A premonition?"
"More of a feeling than anything so definite as a premonition."
"The same feeling that made you want to keep him?"
"No. That was just motherhood rearing its head. Look at him, he's adorable, no matter what blood runs in his veins."
"Odin shook his head again, another thin smile curling the corner of his mouth. "I married you because I knew you would be an excellent mother for my son. Little did I realize the truth of it. You are the embodiment of perfect motherhood."
"Perhaps secrets, prophecy, and illusions are not my greatest powers. Perhaps mother love is," Frigga said, smiling into her son's sleeping face. "I just wish I could touch him. Is Eir certain this power is already manifest?"
"She is rarely mistaken. When the boy touches the flesh of another, he absorbs their memories, thoughts, and feelings. He has, she says, already done so during birth, and with whomever handled him after. This was undoubtedly traumatizing for the child but fortunately at his age his brain is too underdeveloped to hold on to such memories. That won't last. You cannot touch him, my dear. It wouldn't be good for the lad. Not now and not ever. Would you wish for him to experience as though firsthand your memory of how he was conceived?"
"Frigga shuddered and held the child close. "Of course not. Not ever. No, he must never see that."
"Then you can never touch him skin-to-skin. It will be difficult, but you have no choice."
"I am going to put Loki to bed," Frigga said, her expression troubled. She began walking, but paused and turned. "Thank you, by the way, for our rescue. I never got a chance to say it earlier. And thank you, too, for your restraint. I know you had every opportunity to do away with Loki before you found me, and I know you knew – or at least suspected – who he was and what it meant. Bless you for not acting on what your wisdom probably told you was the best thing to do."
"I did suspect, yes. And I did consider… but I knew I couldn't do that without letting you have your say in the matter. I confess I was surprised at your reaction to the news the child still lived. I certainly didn't expect you to exhibit joy."
"No matter what the circumstances, he is my son. There were times during… when I considered finding some way to end our pain – mine and his both – but when I first lay eyes on him after his birth I knew that I lived only to protect him."
"She left then, cooing to the child, and Odin stood a moment longer where he was, caught in a limbo of contemplation. The child, product of the rape of his wife by his greatest enemy, according to all historical knowledge and legend Divinely chosen to be the next King of Asgard. It did not make sense. He shook his head one more time and shuffled off to bed himself.
