Everything hurt.

Every cell in my body was screaming metaphorical bloody murder at me just by laying…wherever the fuck I was laying down at, and I would have appreciated it if it just stopped.

How I could be completely numb and in total agony all at once I had no clue, but it was what it was. Still, as I tried to move around or even open my eyes, I couldn't even remember what got me into this situation in the first place.

All I could recall was driving home after a particularly annoying night shift. I still remember how bright the early morning sun was as it hit my incredibly pale skin, warming my already naturally warm body to almost unbearable levels.

Then again, it was the middle of summer so that was to be expected.

I'd gotten in my car, drove probably about a third of the way home and then…and then…? Then I wasn't anymore, I suppose. I mean I've just kinda dozed off behind the wheel before but I always kinda remembered the trip, so just not remembering felt…off.

A sudden breeze hit my unmoving form. Did wind normally sting that badly when it hit you? Normally no, but considering how utterly bad everything else felt at that moment I'd have believed it. Still that brought up the question of why I felt like I had gotten licked by a giant cheese grater and thrown into a kiddie pool of lemon juice. Did I wreck or something? God was that what Kim felt like? How the fuck did she pull herself out of the car then when I couldn't even be bothered to open my damned eyes?!

Ugh, thinking hurt too much, could I just sleep instead?

Come to think of it, my head was kinda pounding in a way that reminded me of those drumming videos on youtube - rapid, constant, and fucking crazily. The ringing in my ears didn't help either, had I burst my eardrums, was that why I couldn't hear anything other than my own thoughts? Made sense when I thought about it.

Thinking was the only thing I could do at that point that didn't make my entire body flare up like a christmas tree that was placed a bit too close to a bad electrical socket, especially since I STILL COULDN'T OPEN MY DAMN EYES! But whatever, who needed eyes anyway right? Not like I needed to know when someone would come to find my body or anything so I could call out to them.

And then my back started hurting even more than it already did, wonderful, weird that it was slowly sleeping in from the outer edges of my back but still. Wonderful.

I lay there, wherever I was, and just drifted off - daydreaming about going back in time and hanging out with historical figures, dating and mingling with legends because Type-Moon has ingrained in me that any of them would even look my way. Just a good way to pass the time while I waited for help…or to bleed out cause I was sure I was doing a lot of that and that was probably what would happen first.

Wouldn't even be able to say goodbye to the waifus, fuck I wouldn't even be able to officially meet Melusine in FGO! Hopefully the people of the NA server would treat my dragon wife well in my stead. The whole of Avalon Le Fay would actually be something I'd miss if I just died here, come to think about it. Even still, not like I could do anything about it, laying there was the only thing I was capable of thanks to the blinding pain and the-

Oh, the ringing stopped. Thank fuck. One problem solved then, though I wasn't sure if being able to hear the constant sound of running water was any better. Where was that coming from in the first place, there hadn't been rain in about a week and there wasn't any natural sources of water near where I last remembered being.

Maybe it was raining and I just couldn't feel it? Nah, would have been hearing the little pitter patter of rain drops on the ground in that case, kinda sounded like someone pouring a jug of water onto a pile of rocks just…all around instead of a single pile.

Fuck, I wished I could see.

I knew I was awake even before I opened my eyes, barely remembering to keep them shut so my nerve endings wouldn't kick up a shit-storm again. I couldn't feel the sun on me anymore so hopefully that meant I had slept through the day and well into the much more beautiful moonlit hours, pure unadulterated agony had a funny way of making a person just sleep the day away, you know?

Funnily enough, my skin didn't feel like it was rejecting its place on my body anymore, I still hurt but it was much more manageable - like the difference between a third and second degree burn or between having your finger broken instead of your wrist. Still hurt like a bitch but given the other option there was no way I would pick the former.

I also couldn't hear the running water anymore so maybe that was just my imagination? Maybe someone found me and got me to a hospital? Nah, didn't smell sterile wherever I was so maybe I just got carried somewhere else for a bit while they waited for an ambulance? Pretty stupid idea considering what could go wrong but hey, I was alive so it was all good. Scratch that, it smelled terrible, smelled a bit like a bunch of unwashed bodies and uncooked meat.

Experimentally I twitched my fingers, pleasantly surprised that I only wanted to die instead of immediately forgetting what I was doing due to a white hot lance jabbing my nerves. Probably okay to try to look around, right? I cracked open my eyes with all the caution of a baby bird leaving the nest, feeling each millimeter of my eyelids opening up deep within my bones.

Eventually I was able to see above me, a dimly lit tent roof hanging above with many small trinkets dangling from the wooden support….logs? Sticks? Certainly looked fragile enough to be sticks so how in the hell was the tent even standing….why were the owners using sticks anyway, didn't tents come with aluminum rods or something? Far be it from me to question a person's taste in decor but that had to have been terrible in…pretty much any weather really. A bit windy? Whelp, tent go by by. Raining cats and dogs? Dogs may like sticks but fuck if it'll stop the beasts from breaking them in a few seconds.

I raised a hand up to my head and moved the hair laying on my face away, aching all the while in a way that felt more like some DBZ muscle-head had slammed me into every rock on a round trip around the world, a small groan leaking out of my underused vocal chords. In that moment I swore I heard someone gasp off to the right but looking over out of the corner of my eye revealed naught but a slightly opened tent flap, an opened tent flap with a solid white ground just beyond.

"The fu-." Nope bad idea, talking bad, talkie hurtie.

Okay, so pretty sure that was snow yeah? In the middle of a mid-western summer no less. Was I still day dreaming or something, would certainly explain the stick roof support. Though from the slight chill I could feel in the air hitting my chest, apparently someone had deemed it necessary to remove my shirt while I was out, it probably actually was cold enough for snow.

Had I been in a coma? Hoped not, I'd be way behind on my insurance if that was the case.

As much as it annoyed me to admit I probably needed to get up at some point, pain be damned, I needed to see what was going on and figure out where I was. With a heavy heart and joints filled with molten lead I slowly slung my legs over the side of the…blankets? Apparently I was on the floor. Groaning I rolled over onto my stomach and pushed up, gradually pulling myself into a sort of shaky hunched over crouch with my arms acting as support against my naked thighs.

Sicko apparently took my pants and boxers too.

"Well it seems you've finally awoken, my lord!" Suddenly I found myself held up by a very burly man in very thick furs, not quite soft but certainly warm looking. Wait what was that about a lord? I must have sent him a very confused look because he immediately bowed his head in a way that I wasn't comfortable with due to my still naked ass being very close to him. "Sorry, I had not meant to assume that we were worthy of your grace so easily, oh great god of Celestia. I merely wished to show our tribe's utmost support."

Uh, what? God? Like deity god or…I wasn't quite sure what other type of god there was but- wait that wasn't the point, why was he acting like that and where the hell was I? I just kept looking at him directly in the eye trying to figure out if he was pranking me or something, the giant of a man seemed about as uncomfortable as I felt as he squirmed in place. Seriously, dude probably could have bench pressed a dozen of me and yet he looked like he was ready to pack up and leave town.

"Where. Am. I." God f- that hurt, okay, stop talking moron you're just making it worse.

The mountain of muscle smiled an uneasy smile, as though he were afraid I'd snap and rip his head off. "Well, my lord, you are in the care of the Snezhnovich tribe. I am Ivan Snezhnovich, leader and war-chief." I could practically see the pride in him at the last little bit. Must have worked hard to get where he was, then again his last name was the same as the name of his people so…yeah.

I nodded, tired from the effort that came from standing and allowed myself to lean a little bit into the giant. Hang on, wasn't that a Russian name? Also I could have sworn he said 'Celestia' earlier too. Ahhhh wait, he was probably a cosplayer who was way too into Genshin. Shit, that meant I got abducted and stripped by a cosplayer…why was I not surprised? Right, Kim was exactly that type of person, just kind of assumed she'd be the one who'd do it and not…some random bear.

"Come, the rest of the tribe is waiting just outside. They are all eager to see the god who so graciously appeared before us." What. I couldn't even open my mouth to tell him no before the beefcake lifted me up into a princess carry and walked me out of the tent.

Immediately I was greeted by dozens of heads all bowed down to the ground in reverence in all colors and sizes, ranging from small blond to big and brunette, all garbed in similar furs to the giant who was treating me like Princess Peach.

Just beyond them sat a large bonfire dug out of the snow surrounded by tents of varying qualities and sizes which dotted the small clearing. Outside the rough perimeter lay a veritable sea of trees while a constant snowstorm seemed to rage all around.

Slowly, one by one, the heads rose to meet my gaze with many quickly jerking their eyes to the snow the moment they met mine. Yet all of the faces I found had at least some glimmer of something in them. Unfortunately I was just shut-in enough to not recognize what that something was so I just kept staring, unbelieving as my mind whirled and churned.

Ivan moved me through the crowd, taking care to guard my body from the elements, as well as my shame from the onlookers, and sat me just before the great fire with his overcloak draped gently over my shoulders. I hadn't even noticed him removing it or when he had even attached it to me.

Celestia. God. Tribe. Middle of winter in the summer. Too many people for all of that to just be someone's joke, especially since there were kids there and nobody was trying to hide my still mostly nude body from them. Snezhnovich. Russia. Snezhn-.

No, no way in hell was this even-

One of the children, a small boy with hair the color of a sunset and eyes reminiscent of a clear lake approached. My eyes immediately locked with his causing him to jolt in place, pale skin turning just a slight shade whiter. It only stopped him for a moment as the nervous child journeyed forward, stopping a mere three feet or so from where I sat. He matched my gaze as best he could and bowed his head, reaching out to put something between us.

A small toy, a doll from the look of it, fashioned with long brown fur for hair and a stitched smile.

I looked down at it, not quite getting it was it supposed to be a gift? What was I supposed to do with it?

Those people actually thought I was a god, didn't they? Why? I did't remember doing anything particularly godlike in my life, hell I didn't even remember how I got to that frozen wasteland in the first place!

My gaze drifted back up to find the hopeful redhead looking at me, eyes just barely holding back tears. God damn it kid, didn't you know that was illegal? You couldn't just bawl up like that and expect me to know what to do, ya know?

So I just did what I use to do for one of my weirder friends whenever she had a bad day.

I lifted my hand up, ignoring the gasps from the crowd and the terrified looks on both the kid's face and Ivan's, and brought it down gently on the brat's head. Gently stroking his hair until the fear and confusion melted away into a timid smile, tear trails freezing dry to his cheeks.

What the hell had I gotten myself into?