A/N: This story came to me as I was wrapping up My Miracle. Originally I'd just intended for it to be a one shot, but once I finished the first chapter, an idea for another chapter popped into my heard, and it turned into a four part story. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I've enjoyed writing it.
Hank Voight stood in the arrivals area of the airport, anxiously searching the crowd for a face he hadn't seen in nearly four years. Finally, he spotted the person he was looking for, and his face broke into a smile.
"Hey, kiddo," he greeted her with a hug. "Good to see you."
"Hey, Hank," Erin Lindsey responded, hugging him back. "I'm glad I was able to come. It's been too long." She pulled away and looked Hank in the eyes. "I'm sorry I wasn't able to come back for Al's funeral. I wanted to, so bad. But we were in the middle of a big case, and I wasn't sure I'd be welcomed."
Hank gave her a sympathetic smile, taking her bag from her. "I know you would have been here if you could." The two began to walk to the parking garage.
"How's the team?" Erin asked.
"They're good! Everyone's going to be happy to see you," Hank replied.
"Everyone?" Erin asked. "I think you're overestimating Jay," she said, chuckling cynically.
Hank sighed. "Erin, there's something you need to know about Jay," he began.
"Hankā¦" Erin began. "I don't want to know. Please. That chapter of my life is over now. I've moved on."
Hank nodded, understanding.
Erin took a deep breath before getting out of the passenger seat of Hank's car outside of the firehouse. It was the day of Kelly Severide and Gabby Dawson's wedding, and it would be her first time seeing everyone since she'd left Chicago without saying goodbye four years ago. She was nervous, not sure how everyone would react to seeing her again.
"Erin Lindsey? Is that you?" Antonio was the first to spot her after she got out of the car.
She smiled at the man she thought of as a brother. "Hey, Antonio," she greeted him. "It's good to see you."
Antonio gave her a hug. "Kelly said he'd invited you, but last I heard, he wasn't sure whether or not you were coming."
"Yeah, I wasn't sure myself until the last minute," Erin explained. "We were working a case, and I wasn't sure if it would wrap up in time or not."
"I'm glad it did," Antonio told her. "It's about time you tell everyone goodbye," he teased, grinning.
Erin laughed. "I think it's long overdue, actually." Her expression turned serious. "I really am sorry for leaving without saying goodbye, Antonio. It was just easier that way, you know? Plus I didn't want any of you to get pulled into the investigation."
Antonio nodded. "I know; I understand, Erin. It doesn't change the fact that we miss you around here, though." He glanced at the rest of the guests milling around. "I should probably go see if Gabby's ready, but it was great to see you again. Maybe we can catch up at the reception?"
Erin smiled. "Yeah, it was great to see you, too. We'll talk later," she promised.
She began to walk towards the firehouse and spotted Adam Ruzek and Kim Burgess walking just ahead of her, walking hand in hand. She smiled. Hank had told her that the two had started dating again, and she was happy for them. Sure, Adam had been a complete douche the first time around, but he'd matured a lot since then, and Erin knew he truly cared about Kim. "Adam! Kim!" she called, hurrying to catch up with them.
"Erin!" Kim squealed, pulling Erin in for a hug. "Hank didn't tell us you were coming!"
Erin smiled as Adam leaned in for a hug, as well. "Yeah, it was kind of a spur of the moment thing," she told them.
"It's great to see you, Erin!" Ruzek told her. "It's just not the same without you in Intelligence. Especially now that Al's gone. Voight seems lost and alone."
Erin's heart hurt at the mention of Al. She'd known him since Hank had first taken her in, and the man had been like an uncle to her. She knew how much he'd meant to Hank and had been devastated when Hank had called to tell her about his death. It hurt knowing that Hank was all alone now; with Justin and Camille dead, and Olive, Daniel, and herself all living elsewhere, Al had been the closest thing to family Hank had in Chicago.
"I know; I miss everyone. Believe me, I would give anything to be back here. New York just isn't the same," Erin told them.
"How long are you staying?" Kim asked.
"Not very long, unfortunately," Erin told her. "I can't afford to be away too long. Plus Hank doesn't think it's a good idea for me to hang around Chicago too long. I'm flying out tomorrow."
The younger woman was visibly disappointed. "That's too bad; it would have been great to have some time to catch up."
Erin gave her a sympathetic smile. "I know; I'm sorry. I promise I'll do better about keeping in touch. It was just too hard when I first left, you know? It made me miss everyone so much more."
"You didn't say goodbye," Ruzek prodded gently. "Not even to Jay."
Erin sighed. "I know; it was just easier that way. For everyone."
"Erin? Is that you?" she heard a voice say behind her. She turned around and saw Kevin Atwater walking towards them. "Hey, Kev," she greeted him as he hugged her.
"Why didn't you tell us you were coming? We could have planned something," Kevin chided.
"It was just such a last-minute thing; I didn't even get in until last night, and I fly out again tomorrow morning," she informed him.
Just then she spotted Jay walking up the driveway towards the firehouse, Hailey Upton holding his hand. She tried to hide the look of surprise and hurt that crossed her face, but her former coworkers saw it anyways.
"They've been together for about a year now," Kevin told her gently.
Erin nodded. She hadn't expected Jay to remain single, especially after she'd ignored all of his calls and never returned his voicemails, but it still hurt to see him with someone else. "Well, I should probably go find a seat," she said, a little too cheerily to be convincing. "It was great to see you all, though." She quickly walked away, not wanting to be there when Jay and Hailey reached the group.
She was almost to the chairs lined up on either side of the aisle when Trudy Platt's voice rang out from behind her. "Erin Lindsey! Is that you?" Erin quickly turned around, hoping that the desk sergeant's voice hadn't carried enough for Jay to hear.
"Hey, Trudy," she greeted the older woman, truly happy to see her.
"Hank didn't tell me you were coming!" Trudy exclaimed. "It's good to see you again."
"Hank didn't know himself until I was boarding the flight and called him asking him to pick me up at the airport," Erin explained. "It was a last-minute thing."
Trudy nodded. "So, how's New York? Is it everything you'd hoped?"
Erin plastered on a fake smile. "It's great. It's no Chicago, but I like it there, and my unit is great."
Trudy crossed her arms. "Come on, I've known you long enough to know when you're lying," she told her. "Be honest; you hate it, don't you?"
Erin sighed. She should have known better than to try to lie to Trudy Platt. "I don't hate it, exactly," she hedged. "It's just not the same. It's not home. I miss working Intelligence. But it's the FBI, so I can't really complain. Most cops would kill to work for them."
Over Trudy's shoulder, she caught Jay staring at her with an unreadable expression on his face. She'd hoped to fly under the radar and not catch his attention, but she should have known that would be impossible. "Listen, it was great to see you again, Trudy, but I really need to go find Hank so we can find a seat," she told Trudy, watching as Jay started heading her way.
Erin quickly turned and walked in the opposite direction, her eyes scanning for a place she could get away. Finally, she decided she had no other option but the turnout room. She glanced around quickly, making sure no one was watching, before ducking inside. She leaned against the wall, closing her eyes. That had been a close call.
Of all the people Erin had hoped to see while she was here, Jay had not been one of them. She knew that she'd hurt him when she'd left without saying goodbye. Hank had told her about how he'd moped around for months after she left, and he had tried calling hundreds of times, filling her voicemail box with dozens of voicemails that she always listened to, but never returned.
"You left without saying goodbye." Erin jumped at the sound of Jay's voice. She squeezed her eyes shut harder before opening them, hoping that she was imagining things, but no. He was there, standing in front of her.
"I had to hear from Voight that you weren't coming back," Jay continued. "I called you, I left you voicemails, I even went to your old apartment. But nothing."
Jay kept his voice steady, but Erin saw the hurt and anger on his face. She sighed. "I know, Jay; I'm sorry. It was just better that way."
"Better? Better for who? You? Why? Because it was easier? Come on, Erin. Don't give me that line. You and I both know it's not true," Jay retorted.
"Jay, I didn't have any other choice. If I'd stayed, they would have had my badge, and then I wouldn't have been able to find a job anywhere else. The FBI thing just fell into my lap at the right time, and I had to take it," Erin explained.
"But you didn't have to leave without saying goodbye," Jay replied. "You could have told me; we could have made it work."
Erin smiled sadly at him. "That wouldn't have been fair to you, Jay. I couldn't do that to you. It would have put a target on your back if IA found out we were still together." Jay started to say something, but she cut him off. "Do you know I haven't been back here at all since I left? Four years, Jay; it's been four years since I've seen anyone, even Voight. Do you know how hard that's been? I couldn't even come back for Al's funeral. All because I didn't want to put any of you at risk.
"Do you really think I wanted to leave without saying goodbye? Because I didn't. I wanted to stay, so badly. I hate it in New York, and I hate the bureaucracy of the FBI, but I don't have any other choice. It's my own fault, and I know that, but I don't regret what I did. It killed me knowing that I had to leave behind a job that I loved and people that I called family, but it was my only option," Erin finished, her voice rough with emotion and unshed tears.
Jay sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "You didn't return any of my calls. I left you so many voicemails, but you never called back." His voice was softer, gentler now. The anger had dissipated, leaving only hurt behind.
Erin raised a hand to touch him, but then thought better of it and dropped it back to her side. "I listened to every single one," she whispered, tears pooling in her eyes. "I saved most of them, and when I was having a particularly rough day, or was feeling especially homesick, I'd listen to them."
Jay took a step towards her, but she shook her head. "Jay, no. You're with Hailey now. That chapter of our lives is over. This is goodbye," she told him, before slipping past him and exiting the turnout room. She wiped away the tears that had escaped as she scanned the crowd for Hank. She found him and made her way over, slipping silently into the seat next to him.
He looked over at her and, seeing that she'd been crying, wordlessly reached out and squeezed her hand. "You okay, kiddo?" he asked softly.
Erin shrugged, fighting back a fresh wave of tears. "No, but I will be," she answered honestly, knowing there was no point in trying to lie to the man who had been like a father to her for so many years.
Thankfully the music started playing before Hank had a chance to question her further. Erin sat there as she watched Kelly and Gabby say their vows and become husband and wife. She was thrilled for them, but at the same time, it reminded her of when she had dreamed of that being her and Jay and served as yet another reminder of what she'd lost.
When the ceremony was over, she turned to Hank. "I'm not feeling that great, Hank. You go on to the reception without me. I'll get a cab."
Hank stared at her for a moment before pulling her into a hug. "I'm always here for you. Never forget that, Erin. I love you." He pulled back and rested a hand on Erin's arm, squeezing it gently, before walking away, and Erin knew that he knew. He knew that when he returned home from the reception, Erin wouldn't be there. She would be on a plane to New York, once again running away without saying goodbye. It was the only way she knew; it was too hard to leave any other way.
Coming back had served as a reminder of everything that she'd lost. It had been incredibly painful, more than she'd ever imagine. But it had also given her closure. It had allowed her to see her former coworkers again, as well as others, such as Platt. She could go back to New York now, knowing that she no longer had a life here, and, hopefully, it would allow her to finally start her new life, something she'd been unable to do for the past four years.
She searched the crowd for the rest of the Intelligence team, and, after spotting them, watched them for a moment. Ruzek had his arm around Kim's waist, and they were talking to Kevin, joking around, while Jay and Hailey stood with them, Hailey's hand in Jay's. Antonio was with them, as well, joining in on the conversation. She smiled sadly and then, with one last glance at her old team, walked down the driveway to wait for her cab to arrive. She would go to the airport, but first she had one last stop to make: the memorial wall outside the district, where she knew she would find not only Nadia's plaque, but also a newer one: Al's.
