The Yellow Ape and The Black Bee
by Bloody Simpson Chibi
(Disclaimer: I do not own The Simpsons or Bleach)
Chapter 1: Attack of the Crazy Ninja Chick
When Captain of the Stealth Force Soifon heard that the Captain Commander wanted to speak to her personally, she flash-stepped to his office as fast as she could. Sure enough, the Captain Commander was already waiting for her and she took a bow.
"You wished to speak with me, Head Captain?" She inquired.
"Ah. Captain Soifon. I am glad you came. Sorry to pull you in on such short notice."
"There is no need to apologize. What are your orders?"
Yamamoto turned to his desk and picked up a folder. "Central 46 has just issued a rather strange assassination request." He turned back around and handed the folder to Soifon. She opened it and quickly dropped it with a short but sharp scream. Cautiously, the 2nd Division Captain picked the folder back up, mentally prepped herself, and looked inside once again.
The folder contained a picture of a man. Well, at least it somewhat resembled a man. He had bulging eyes, yellow skin, and a very apparent 5'o clock shadow. He reminded Soifon of her lieutenant Omeada which only served to distress her further. Not wanting to look at the picture anymore, Soifon's eyes glanced toward the papers on the other side.
"Homer Jay Simpson?" She questioned.
"Indeed. For some reason, Central 46 has deemed it necessary that he be eliminated."
"I see." Soifon closed the folder. "You can count on me Head Captain. My Suzumebachi will leave no trace of him."
"Very good." Yamamoto praised. "The folder should have all the information you require. Now go!"
Soifon responded with a quick nod before leaving the room in a blur just as Yamamoto's lieutenant Sasakibe walked in.
"Did Central 46 really not give a reason for why this Homer Simpson character must die?"
"I'm afraid not," Yamamoto answered. "However, that will not be a problem for Captain Soifon. She prides herself on carrying out the will of Soul Society, even in strange situations like these. I trust that she can get the job done."
To Homer Simpson, there were few better joys in life than picking up a Triple Deluxe Squishee from the Kwik-E-Mart.
"Oh, and a Kwik-E dog please!" He chirped.
"Excellent choice Mr. Simpson." The clerk, Apu, complimented as he unlocked the box with the wieners rolling inside it. Once Homer had paid for his new snacks, he thanked Apu and left the store. As he fumbled with his car keys, he was completely unaware of the Shinigami crouching on the roof of the store, watching like a cat hunting a sparrow as the man devoured the hot dog.
"Ugh." Soifon thought. "This...thing is even more repulsive up close. Not to mention the smell." She pinched her nose as she whispered her release command.
"Sting all enemies to death, Suzumebachi." Her sword, which she unsheathed as she spoke the command, transformed into a stinger-like apparatus on her right hand. She locked her sight onto her target and pounced silently.
"I don't know why Central 46 wants you dead and frankly, it's none of my business." Soifon thought as she descended. "Either way, it's the end for you!"
As Soifon neared her target, Homer happened to turn in her direction. Normally this wouldn't be a problem since most humans couldn't see or even sense the existence of Shinigami. Soifon figured that her target was no different and had no reason to think otherwise. So when Homer's eyes widened and he screamed out of fear as his lips trembled, the Stealth Force Captain was caught off guard, panicked, and crashed onto the ground near her prey.
"What the? A ninja?" Homer questioned fearfully as he watched the strange woman jump back to her feet and quickly create distance between herself and him. She glared at him with eyes that looked like they belonged on an eagle and on her right hand she wore some sort of stinger. Homer had no never seen anything like her before.
Soifon dusted herself off and began speaking. "Y-You're able to see me?" She asked.
"Y-Yes? Why? S-Should I not?" Homer feebly answered. Soifon took a few moments to examine her prey more closely. He didn't give off any kind of spiritual pressure that Soifon could sense and given his cowardly expression and posture, she doubt he knew how to fight. But he could see her. And that meant he could see Shinigami in general. Humans like this were troublesome. Soifon only needed to think back to Karakura Town to remember that.
"I see." She continued. "A human who can see Shinigami could be quite irritating for Soul Society down the line. Central 46's assassination order is starting to make more sense. I wonder if everyone in this strange town has the same ability."
"Soul Society? Central 46? What the hell are you talking about lady?" Homer asked, his fear giving way to simple confusion.
"Forget all that!" Soifon demanded. "A mere human has no business meddling in the affairs of Shinigami. Homer Jay Simpson, it is time for you to disappear!" As she declared this, Soifon held up her hand equipped with Suzumbachi. To her surprise, instead of cowering in fear like he was before, Homer simply started laughing. More specifically he was pointing and laughing at Suzumebachi. "W-What's so funny?"
"That's your weapon?" Homer sneered. "What are you gonna do? Poke me to death!?" The fat man held on to his sides as he continued his onslaught of mocking laughter, causing a slightly blushing Soifon to grit her teeth in anger.
"This fat bastard has the nerve to insult my Zanpakuto?" She thought. Suddenly, however, her scowl turned into a smile as her eyes narrowed. "Oh well. Guess I'll just have to demonstrate how doomed he is."
Without warning, Soifon vanished from Homer's sight and reappeared behind him. It took a few seconds for Homer to realize that his left cheek hurt but when he did, he rubbed it and looked at his hand, his fear returning once he saw the hot red blood covering his palm.
"Ahhhh! What the!?" Homer ran towards his car and examined himself in the mirror. He had a strange mark on his cheek that somewhat resembled a butterfly. "A face tattoo? Awww! Now I'm unemployable!"
"That is the Homonka." Soifon explained as she raised up her weapon. "This weapon's name's is Suzumebachi and her release command is to sting all enemies to death."
"What the hell does that mean?" Homer squeaked in terror.
"It means that once I strike your cheek again," Soifon made sure to stare right into Homer's eyes before finishing her sentence. "You'll die!"
Homer's only response to this was to scream and attempt to retreat into his car. In his panicked flailing, he dropped his keys. "D'oh!"
"It's over Homer! Prepare to meet your end!" Soifon pounced once again, Suzumebachi aimed directly at the Homoka. Homer could see his assailant approaching fast and, with no other options left, shielded himself with his Squishee.
SPLAT
There was only silence in the following minute. Soifon and Homer were both covered by the sugary contents of his beverage with Suzumebachi, being impaled inside the cup, receiving the brunt of it. Once she was able to fully comprehend what had happened, Soifon quickly tore her weapon away from the cup and shouted at Homer. "What the hell was that!?"
"Oh, beautiful Squishee!" Homer cried as tears welled in his eyes. "You sacrificed yourself for me! You never even had the chance to be forgotten under the seats of my car!" To Soifon's shock, (as well as horror) Homer started weeping over the destroyed drink as if it were a fallen comrade.
"Is he really crying over a frozen drink?" Soifon thought. "And I thought Omeada was bad." Sofon shook those thoughts out of her head. "Never mind that! It's time the end this foolishness!"
Just as Soifon was about to strike, the owner of the store burst out from within. "What is all the commotion?" He shouted.
"Crap!" Soifon, not wanting to take chances in case this man could see her as well, flash-stepped back to the top of the building as the man rushed to Homer's side.
"Mr. Simpson! What is going on?" He asked. "This is the third time I've found you mourning a Squishee this week."
"It was the crazy ninja chick!" Homer screamed.
"Crazy ninja chick?" Apu asked in disbelief
"Crazy ninja chick?" Soifon also thought in disbelief.
"The crazy ninja chick! She just came out of nowhere and said something about salami and the Soul Society and then she gave me this tattoo and killed my Squishee!" Homer pointed to his face as he spoke the last words of his sentence, meaning to gesture to the tattoo. Apu, however, saw nothing but his best customer kneeling on the asphalt and covered in Squishee, no tattoo or ninja in sight.
"Mr. Simpson, I'm afraid I must be doubtful about your claims of a crazy ninja chick attacking you for I see no one else here but you."
"But the ninja! B-B-B-But the Squishee!...Salami!" Homer blabbered, clearly at a loss for words. Apu rolled his eyes and took a small Squishee out of his pocket, handing it to Homer.
"Here's a smaller replacement for your deceased Squishee." He sighed. "Please refrain from killing your Squishees in the future."
"Whoo-Hoo!" Homer happily snatched the drink from Apu's hand and took a sip. "Thanks, Apu." Then he suddenly grabbed Apu's shoulder and whispered in his ear. "But seriously, be careful! That psycho ninja lady is still around!"
Apu rolled his eyes once more. "Very well Mr. Simpson. I will be careful." He replied sarcastically. Homer nodded and climbed into his car, thanking Apu one more time before driving off.
Soifon, who had been watching the whole thing from above the roof, leaped down back onto the lot. "What just hap-WAHHHHH!"
Because she was so focused on her escaping prey, Soifon failed to notice the Squishee cup beneath her foot until she slipped on it, falling on her back with a loud thud.
"Owww!" As Soifon got back up, she noticed the store owner, Apu if she heard Homer correctly, look in her direction. She quickly jumped to her feet and took a battle stance, ready to take out the potential witness. To her shock, however, the man casually walked toward her.
"How strange." Apu pondered. "I could have sworn this Squishee just moved on its own. As if someone had just slipped on it." Apu picked up the cup, struggling a little bit due to Soifon's limited but still pretty strong spiritual pressure. "Aye, the air pressure today is brutal." The store owner remarked as he made his way to the trash can. He tossed the flattened Squishee inside and went back into his store.
Soifon remained still, pondering everything that had happened. "It would seem only Homer has the ability to see me. At least that will make my job easier." Soifon rubbed her hurting lower back, relieved that no one saw her fall after all. Covered in Squishee with her backside aching, the angry Shinigami flash-stepped back onto the roof of the Kwik-E-Mart and gazed over all of Springfield. "You may have escaped this time Homer but rest assured. your time will come...just as soon as I get washed up."
(Hey Yall. So yeah. Weird idea for a story right? I honestly don't know how this idea came to me but it just seemed so interesting that I had to do it. As promised, I do have a definitive end planned out so rest assured this story will be completed. Also, is anyone else excited for Bleach's return this October? I know I am and I have quite a few plans for Bleach fanfics in the coming months. Well, maybe one or two.
But until next time, BSC out)
