NOTES

AU where Jacob and Bella are the same age, so in New Moon they are both Seniors (Bella DOB 9/13/87; Jake DOB 1/14/88; Quil and Embry are also Seniors)

Also, instead of the VW Rabbit, Jake restored a 1970 Dodge Charger. A 6' 7" person would never fit in a Rabbit. I'm not a car person, but this always bugged me for some reason. I did a decent amount of research to find a car that would be big enough without being a boat and would be a feasible option for Jake. So, it may be a small thing, but it makes me feel better 😊

I love fantasy, so as the story goes along, I have added in a few more fantasy elements. Nothing too crazy, but I just had to play around with it a little.

I am new to writing and this is my first work, so sharing this with others is a little nerve wracking. However, I want to improve and write my own original stories, so I welcome feedback, but please be kind. I have also been posting this story on AO3 (Archive of Our Own).

I absolutely hate how Jake was treated in these stories and I couldn't get it off my mind, so this work started out as me just wanting to write a little bit to show a different path that the story could have taken. (I had no idea that Fan Fiction was even a thing before I started this.) Once I started, I realized I really liked writing and I didn't totally suck at it. I kept getting new little ideas for scenes that I wanted to know what those would have been like, so I wrote a little more. Then I started getting bigger ideas and I just kept writing. I now call this my runaway story because it's been over a year and I'm still writing! I have a decent idea of where I'm going for the ending, just not certain how much more it's going to take me to get there.

In the meantime, I want to share the beginning with SOMEONE, and give myself a little incentive to get this thing wrapped up. I have over 200,000 words written already, so I have plenty to share while I finish the ending. I will be doing final edits as I go, so I plan to post at least once a week, but, if I am able, then I will post more frequently.

Throughout this work, I have taken bits straight from the books and used long sections of direct quotes in a few chapters; especially in the first few chapters. I have summarized some sections from the book to move these beginning events along a little more quickly. I have also used information from "The Official Illustrated Guide" for some details on pack member and some lesser-known characters. The further along the story gets, the less I do this. I will try to note any major usage of the original resources at the beginning of each chapter.

In this chapter there is quite a lot taken from the books leading up to the kiss. Some things are direct quotes, but a lot of it I shortened and summarized.

The Twilight Saga and its characters are owned by Stephenie Meyer and I have no claim over them. I am just taking her characters and playing with them to make my own story.

CHAPTER 1

MY HEART SQUEEZED in my chest from guilt. I knew things had been bad for me since the Cullens left and I knew I had struggled… was still struggling… I had lived it after all. The early morning sunshine filtered through the trees behind the house and fell on me in a dappled pattern as I lay on the couch, listening to Charlie in the kitchen telling Alice about how things had been for me. To hear it all laid out at one time from someone else's viewpoint—someone who loved me dearly—it made me look at everything differently. Add to that my nearly drowning on the same day of Harry's passing… I was a horrible, selfish person.

Sure, I'd been devastated when they'd left… when he had left, and it had hurt terribly, like a part of me had died. It still hurt. Being abandoned by someone who you thought loved you was not an easy thing to deal with, but hearing everything Charlie said, it struck me suddenly that I was not alone. I had tried to deal with it all on my own, but I have never been alone. There were other people in my life who cared for me and wanted to help me, but I had been so caught up in my own heartache that I hadn't realized how I had pushed them away and was hurting them. Even Jake, who'd I'd let in more than anyone else, I continued to hold at arms-length. I probably hadn't hurt anyone as much as I'd hurt Charlie though.

I had started to realize all of this yesterday, but my brain had been too fried after my near-death experience, I mentally hadn't been able to get to this place of honesty. If Jake hadn't been there, Charlie would not only be dealing with the death of his best friend, but also his daughter. The thought sent a shiver down my spine. Thinking back over the past few weeks, I'd actually been vaguely aware of what I was doing for a while, but facing it had hurt me too much, so I didn't allow myself to admit it.

And now I'd done it to Jake too, because there was no doubt that I had hurt him and possibly ruined our friendship by choosing a Cullen over him… by choosing a vampire over him.

Well, there was nothing I could do about Jake at the moment, that would have to be dealt with later, but I could do something about Charlie. I could take the first step in making amends for my thoughtless and careless actions.

My aching body protested as I got to my feet with a groan and a stretch, then headed to the kitchen, a bit of urgency in my steps. When I got there, I hesitated in the doorway, both Alice and Charlie looking up at me in surprise.

"Morning Bells," Charlie said, then took in my expression. "What's wrong?"

I glanced at Alice who was giving me a look of concern, then crossed to where Charlie was standing at the sink, wrapped my arms around his waist, and hugged him tight. He stood stock still for a moment then put his arms around me and squeezed me back. This wasn't how we normally were with each other, but it felt right in this moment.

"I'm sorry, Dad."

"Bella, what in the world—"

"I'm sorry for eavesdropping, but more importantly, I'm sorry for everything I put you through these past months." My voice was thick with barely contained emotions as tears began dripping from my eyes. "It wasn't fair to you. I was only thinking of myself. I felt so alone and thought I was alone, but hearing everything you just said, and then with Harry… It just made me realize that I've been so selfish and that I've never been alone. You've been here, and Jake, and even my friends at school. I'm just sorry it's taken me so long to see."

"Sweetie, of course you haven't been alone. You don't have to worry about me, though. You went through something hard, and it hurt you. Everyone handles these things differently, especially if it's the first time you've had to deal with something like this. I'm your dad… I'll always be here for you. Always!"

The conviction in his tone was comforting. Charlie took me by my shoulders and pushed me back a bit so he could look into my face, and I could see the conviction reflected in his eyes. I sniffed, took a shuddering breath, and swiped at the moisture wetting my cheeks.

"I just… I mean, I just am…" I stumbled over my words. Taking another shaky breath, I tried again. "Thank you, Dad. Just, thanks for everything."

He ripped a paper towel off the roll on the counter and handed it to me with a crooked smile. I wiped my nose and the rest of the tears from my face, noticing that Alice was no longer at the table. She must have slipped out at some point.

"Bella, I'm your dad. That's my job. I'm just thankful that you have been doing better, and I want nothing more than to see you happy, sweetie."

"I know. I just…" I sighed, "I know."

He patted me on my shoulder, and I could feel a little bit of an awkward tension come between us. Neither of us knew what to do after my emotional apology. A laugh suddenly burst out of me and after a pensive moment, Charlie laughed too. It was short-lived, but it broke the tension and felt good.

"Well, I need to get going," he said, giving me another little pat. "Gotta get back down to La Push to help Sue Clearwater."

I gave him a nod and a small smile then watched as he grabbed his jacket and headed out the door.

Alice and I spent the day talking, mostly about her family… all but one. They had relocated to Ithica, NY. Carlisle was working nights and teaching part time at Cornell, where Jasper was studying philosophy. Esme was keeping busy restoring a seventeenth century house in the forest north of the city. Emmet and Rosalie had gone to Europe for several months on another honeymoon. And Alice had been doing personal research, concerning the information I'd accidentally uncovered for her last spring. They had all been visiting Tanya and her sisters in Denali for Cornell's spring break (all but the one), when Alice got her vision of me.

Charlie got back after dark and turned in early. He was headed back down to La Push first thing in the morning for Harry's funeral. I stayed on the couch with Alice again.

IT WAS EARLY THE next morning, the sun still hadn't risen, when I heard Charlie tiptoeing to the door, trying not to wake us up as he left for La Push. Alice and I both feigned sleep and let him go.

I decided to use the day to catch up on my chores. Since I'd been spending so much time down in La Push, things had started to pile up and I thought perhaps coming home to a clean and organized home might help Charlie feel a little better. I just wanted to help him in whatever ways I could.

As I started work in the bathroom, which had by far suffered the most from my neglect, Alice leaned against the doorjamb, and we chatted about people and things happening at school. She didn't show it, but I could feel her disproval when she realized how little I could tell her. I was a little disappointed in myself as well.

I was literally up to my elbows in Comet as I scrubbed the bottom of the tub when there was a knock at the front door. I looked up at Alice in surprise, who looked back at me with a matching expression. Her's quickly turned to irritation.

"I have a pretty good guess at who that is," she said.

My eyebrows shot up. "Guess?" Alice didn't guess.

She shot me a look. "Yes, guess. If I'm right, it explains a lot about why I couldn't see you after you jumped. It also means that I should leave for a little while."

I gasped as I connected the dots. "You can't see the wolves."

"Yes, that's the conclusion I have come to as well."

Another, more demanding knock sounded.

I turned in the general direction of the front door and called out that I was coming as I rinsed off my arms.

"I'll be back in after a while, Bella."

I sighed, hating the reason behind the necessity for her leaving.

"Alright, I'll see you soon." She gave me a quick kiss on the cheek then left through the back window in Charlie's room.

I went down the stairs as quickly as I dared, anxious to see Jake and try to make things right again between us. I flung open the front door to find him standing about six feet away and my heart clenched in my chest as I took in his demeanor. He was tense, his nose was wrinkled, and his hands were trembling. Otherwise, he was calm, and his face was the smooth mask that reminded me of Sam… I thought I'd seen the last of that look. I felt a pang of guilt, knowing it was my fault it was there. He looked past me, attempting to see into the house.

"She's not here, Jake. She had some errands to run. It's just me."

I noticed him relax slightly, but he didn't make any move from where he was, and his hands were still trembling. I opened the door a little farther.

"I'm glad you're here, Jake. Will you come in, please? I want to talk to you… and you obviously have something to say as well."

He looked back to his car where it was idling in the street. Embry and Jared watched with sour faces from inside the vehicle. Embry's head moved almost imperceptibly from side to side, advising Jake not to go in. That irked me a little and I rolled my eyes and then glared back at them.

"You scared of me now, Jake? You're going to lose some serious age points for that." I tried to make my tone as light as possible to break some of the tension. It worked a little. Jake huffed out a little laugh and a flicker of a smile flashed briefly across his lips, but almost immediately disappeared and the mask was back. He suddenly stormed up the porch steps and pushed past me into the house. I leveled another glare toward the two in the car as I shut the door.

When I turned around, Jake was staring that the mess of bedding on the couch.

"Slumber party?" he asked.

"Something like that."

Jake turned and headed into the kitchen. I sighed deeply and followed him, watching for a moment as he paced back and forth in front of the short counter.

"I can't stay long, Bella, so I'll make this quick."

My heart sank a little. "Okay."

He didn't say anything right away, just continued to pace. Finally, I stepped in front of him to get him to stop.

"Just talk to me Jake," I said quietly.

He looked down at me and for just a brief moment I saw my Jake looking back at me. He quickly looked away before speaking.

"One of the Cullens is staying here with you."

"Yes, Alice Cullen."

He nodded thoughtfully. "How long is she here for?"

"I don't know, we haven't talked about it. A few days, I guess… maybe a week?"

"Do you think you could… please… explain to her about the other one—Victoria?"

I paled. "I told her about that."

He nodded. "You should know that we can only watch our own lands with a Cullen here. You'll only be safe in La Push. I can't protect you here anymore."

"Okay," I said in a small voice.

He looked at me again, then looked past me, out the back windows. He didn't continue.

"Is that all?"

He kept his eyes on the glass as he answered. "Just one more thing." He paused again, for so long I almost said something, but he finally continued. "Are the rest of them coming back now?" His voice was cool and quiet, reminding me again of Sam's always calm manner. Jacob was becoming more like Sam… I wondered why that bothered me so much.

Now I didn't speak. He looked back at me with probing eyes, and I swallowed hard before responding.

"No, they aren't coming back."

His expression didn't change. "Okay. That's all."

After a few moments, he stepped past me, toward the kitchen door, but I grabbed his hand to stop him, just before he got out of reach.

"Wait, Jake. I wanted to say something."

He stopped, but he didn't turn back toward me. I dropped his hand and leaned back against the counter for support. I absolutely hated how we'd gotten to this tense place in so short a time. And it was all my fault.

"I just want to say I'm sorry, Jake." My throat started to close up as I fought back tears, making it difficult to speak. "I'm sorry for hurting you the other day. I'm sorry my choice hurt you, but I knew it was one of them, and I had to see them. It wasn't my intention to hurt you, though, and I feel horrible about that."

I swiped at the tears that were rolling down my cheeks and watched as all of the tension melted from Jake's stance, and he sighed. When he turned to face me again, his calm expression was gone, and he now looked unsure and forlorn.

"Don't cry Bells." He wiped a tear away from my cheek with his knuckle. "I'm sorry too. I broke my promise to you again. I knew how you felt about them. It shouldn't have taken me by surprise like that." His face twisted a bit, and I could see the revulsion in his eyes, which broke my heart a little.

"Let's not worry about it, okay?" he continued. "She's just visiting, right? She'll leave, and things will go back to normal."

"Yeah, but can't I be friends with you both at the same time?" I asked.

He shook his head slowly. "No, not really. You can be her friend, and you can be my friend, but you… love her, so I'd better not get anywhere near her. I'm not sure that I'm even tempered enough to handle that."

"Well, I think you are," I mumbled.

A sad smile lifted the corners of his mouth. "I appreciate your vote of confidence honey, but I don't know that I'd want to test it."

"Does this mean you'll still be my friend?"

"Of course. I'll always be your friend, no matter what you love."

I felt his arms wind around me, and I leaned against his chest, still sniffling. "This sucks."

"Yeah, it does." Then he sniffed my hair and said, "Ew."

"What?!" I demanded. I looked up to see that his nose was wrinkled again. "Why does everyone keep doing that to me? I don't smell!"

He smiled a little. "Yes, you do—you smell like them. Blech. Too sweet—sickly sweet. And… icy. It burns my nose."

"Really? That's strange because they smell wonderful to me. But why would Alice think I smelled, too?"

That wiped his smile away. "Huh. Maybe I don't smell too good to her, either."

"Well, you smell wonderful to me too. You both smell fine to me." I rested my head against him again.

Ugh, what a mess!

I wanted Alice to stay and never leave, but I also knew she eventually would leave. As much as that would hurt, it would be a million times worse if I were to lose Jacob.

There wasn't an easy answer, but we had forgiven each other. He had some understanding of my friendship with Alice and was still going to be my friend, even if we couldn't see each other while she was here.

After we'd stood holding each other in silence for a little while, he freed one hand so he could cup my chin and tip my head up to look at him.

"I'm gonna miss you, Bella. Every second of every day until she leaves."

"Yeah, me too."

We stared at each other for several long moments, his hand smoldering against my cheek, with matching expressions of wistful sadness on our faces. I didn't want him to go, even if it was for a short time, I didn't want to have to stay away from him.

After a few moments, when neither of us looked away, the expression on Jacob's face began to change. He lifted his other hand to brush his fingertips along my cheek, trailing them down to my jaw. I could feel his fingers tremble—not with anger this time. He pressed his palm against my cheek, so my face was trapped between his burning hands.

"Bella," he whispered.

I was frozen.

No! I hadn't made this decision yet. I didn't know if I could do this, and now I was out of time to think. But I would have been a fool if I thought rejecting him now would have no consequences.

I stared back at him. He was not my Jacob, but he could be. His face was familiar and beloved. In so many real ways, I did love him. He was my comfort, my safe harbor. Right now, I could choose to have him belong to me.

Alice was back for the moment, but that changed nothing. True love was forever lost. The prince was never coming back to kiss me awake from my enchanted sleep. I was not a princess, after all.

Maybe it would be easy—like holding his hand or having his arms around me. Maybe it would feel nice. Maybe it wouldn't feel like a betrayal. Besides, who was I betraying, anyway? Just myself.

Keeping his eyes on mine, Jacob began to bend his face toward me. And I was still absolutely undecided.

My mind began racing, trying hard to find a way to make this decision. Like small rays of light, memories started to surface. First, I remembered the delusion from two nights ago in my truck, which had told me to be happy. Then I recalled the night of my very first delusion outside the bar in Port Angeles and the two options I had determined would explain the voice: 1) I was crazy, or 2) it was my subconscious giving me what it thought I wanted. Either way it was not actually him speaking to me. But maybe, just maybe, it was me, telling myself what I should do… what the right choice was. Maybe I already knew the choice I wanted to make but had been unwilling to admit it to myself.

A clarity I hadn't had in a long time came to me and in an instant, I became certain of three things.

First, Jacob might deserve more than I could give, but he has made it clear over and over I am what he wants, and he is not going to give up on me. Jake has always been there for me, helping me pick up the pieces, helping me feel whole again, helping me find life again. Always. Not even becoming a werewolf and a command from the Alpha had kept him away.

Second, I knew I could not survive without Jacob. I would never have the strength to push him away, to make him leave—and I didn't want to.

Third, and perhaps the hardest to come to grips with, the hardest to even bring to conscious thought—Edward doesn't want me, doesn't love me. Even if he cares for me at all, he abandoned me and left me broken and alone.

A fog that had been engulfing me suddenly lifted, and the right choice became perfectly clear – I would commit all I had left, and give it to Jacob. Edwarddoesn't want me, but Jacob does, and I will do everything in my broken power to make Jacob happy. I could do this—I had to do this. What's more, I realized, I WANTED to do this. I want to be with Jacob; to make him happy and call him mine.

With the decision made, I felt great relief and then a nervous excitement. I'm going to kiss Jacob. Butterflies kicked up in my stomach and my heart lept in my chest and raced forward, all in anticipation now… the uncertainty gone.

"Jake…" I whispered, and in that one word I tried to convey all the meaning of my decision.

He hesitated inches from my face, still gazing intently at my eyes, his hot breath caressing my skin. Jake could always read me so well, and as he comprehended the change in me, intense love and hope flashed across his face before he closed the small remaining distance. His lips very gently and hesitantly pressed against mine. When I responded to him, kissing him back, he took in a sharp breath, and his lips became more urgent. He wrapped one arm around me and pulled me closer, bowing my body into his, binding me to him.

This kiss was vastly different from any I had ever experienced before. Jacob's lips were soft and hot, molding to mine; and my lips were moving with his in strange ways they'd never moved before—because I didn't have to be careful with Jacob, and he certainly wasn't being careful with me. I matched his urgency as I clutched at his strong back, trying to pull myself closer to him, relishing the feel of him pressed against me.

Jacob's heat wrapped around me like a comforting blanket and his pleasing forest and ocean scent filled my nose. Everything else in my world fell away—it was just me and Jake and the heat. In this moment there was no more pain and no more loss. It all was consumed by the heat and forgotten, leaving only this intense feeling between us.

A new clarity began to nudge its way into my mind; these feelings were something new and different, but also somehow deeply familiar because it was intricately connected to the bond of a friendship between two people who knew each other like no one else in the world, and accepted each other completely. This was love… I was in love with Jacob. But it hadn't formed in a sudden burst of flame (I had felt that kind before), it had grown slowly, almost unnoticed—a smoldering ember that had matured unseen, with Jacob's care and careful tending, and was now a blazing fire that could no longer be ignored.

I had thought Edward's was the truest of true loves, but I was wrong; and my love for Jacob was not a weak echo of the other. I had been wrong about so much. I couldn't have known… how would it have been possible for me to know. I had only known one love until this moment. And now, as the feelings I found hidden in my heart for Jacob washed over me, I realized this was just as true, and even stronger than the other; I was shocked and overwhelmed by the power of it…shaking me to my core. The new emotions consumed me, and tears began to flow down my face.

Jacob finally broke the kiss when his thumb grazed over my cheek, and he noticed my tears. He looked at me with concern, still holding me close and both of us trying to calm our breathing.

"What's wrong Bella? Did I hurt you?" he asked as he gently tried to wipe the streams of tears from my face. "If I misread what you wanted, or went too far, I'm sorry. It's just that I never dreamed… I mean I didn't expect…"

Words wouldn't come, so I shook my head and leaned into Jake, my arms still wrapped around him. I was so overwhelmed with emotions that I didn't know how to deal with them or contain them. It had been so long since I had allowed myself to have any strong feelings for anything, and now all the love I had for Jacob was crashing over me and I couldn't control it.

Jake held me, quietly waiting while I worked to gain control over my emotions. After several minutes had passed, I was able to calm myself, though there were still tears in my eyes.

When I looked at Jake again – his expression was pained and unsure. I gently touched his cheek.

"I love you Jake," I said softly, my throat still tight with emotion. "I'm in love with you… I didn't see it before. I'm so sorry I've been hurting you. I've been wrong about so much."

The pain and uncertainty melted away from his face. His eyebrows lifted, but his expression was warm.

"I still have some things I need to tell you," I continued, "things I need to explain, before you decide to be with me. It wouldn't be fair to you if you didn't know everything."

Jake placed his hand over mine, pressing it into his cheek, and shook his head slightly.

"Be with you? Bella, all I want is to be with you; with every fiber of my being, you are what I want. There is nothing you can say or do that would change my feelings for you." He paused, then asked hesitantly, "Are you saying that you… that you want to be with me? As more than a friend?"

"That's exactly what I want. I want more, I want to be with you. I have been so blind. I've been so focused on my pain and what I've lost that I didn't see the truth of my feelings for you."

As I said these words, I watched as the fullness of Jake's love for me broke across his face and shone fiercely in his eyes. It took my breath away, realizing he had only shown me a small part of it before this moment.

The blaring of a car horn came outside, causing me to jump and interrupting our moment.

"Crap, horrible timing guys," Jake growled as he looked over his shoulder toward where his car still sat with Jared and Embry waiting. "I'm sorry Bella, I've gotta go." He put one hand back against my cheek, "I know you want to spend time with…your friend, but will you come down to La Push later? I can call you after the funeral."

"Yes, I would like that." I realized I didn't want to be away from him for one second, especially now, and tears pricked at my eyes again. "I wish you didn't have to go so quickly."

All traces of the bitterness and anger were gone as he smiled at me.

"I know, but I'll call as soon as I can," he promised.

I laid my head on his chest and wrapped my arms around him to make the moment last just a little longer. He squeezed me tight and kissed the top of my head before releasing me and bounding joyfully out of the house, so different than the way he had arrived.

8