The funeral
" I just though you would want to know." He said with hesitancy. "Thought it was right that you did."
"Thanks." She squeezed a smile out at him. Unsure of what else to say. She shifted uncomfortably on her front door step.
"So any way..." He knew his time was up and went to turn. "I'll be going. Look after yourself Molly." He added.
"Yeah." And she watched him turn away. "So you going home?" She surprised both him and herself with her question. She hadn't intended to ask.
"Yes. Back to Mum's." He added with more than a touch of shame. "Living there for a while. Until everything gets sorted."
"I see." She watched Charles as he scuffed his feet on her pathway rather than look at her. "Well say 'hi' to them from me. Please."
"Of course." He added stiffly and started to walk off.
That was the perfect time for her to let him go...again. But just like all the other times she couldn't.
"So are you going to go?" She asked as she stepped out of her doorway and moved closer to him so she didn't have to shout. "To the funeral?"
He paused.
He had come all this way to see her, and now he had, he was lost at what to do. What to say. Still he knew it was the right thing to do... to tell her. She had been his friend once. Just like he'd been her friend.
"I don't know." Charles replied. "I should. I know that. It's just..."
She nodded at him and smiled gently. Then said ever so quietly.
"I know."
They stood looking at each other for a while, just watching each other. So much had been said between them over the past months, years, that words still at times weren't necessary. Once they had been all she had longed for, but here, now she didn't need them to understand him.
"And you?" Charles asked. "Will you go? I mean you knew him too."
"I don't know." She mirrored his answer. "I just don't know."
He accepted that. Nodded his head and turned. This time she let him walk away. There was once again no more to be said.
He had done his duty.
He had done what he had set out to do. He had told her about his death. About how yet another of her, their, friends had died.
Died doing their duty.
He had told her and he had watched her struggle with her emotions about it all.
Just like he had 24 hours before when he had heard.
Fingers!
Fingers had been one of his men. Then he had become one of his comrades, and then because of his relationship and marriage to Molly, he had become a friend too. And so because of that he felt his loss a little bit more than any before. It was as though the last link to the life he had with Molly had died too.
He'd been sitting happily, well as happy as he was these days, at his home. The last few days there before it all ended. Contemplating his next step when the telephone call came through. A friend of a friend with still some loyalty to him had called and explained.
Fingers had been on tour. Again.
There had been trouble and he had been caught in the middle, and was injured.
Fatally.
Newly married and still in the same section as Georgie. But that didn't help or mean anything to the Gods of Luck. Apparently, despite it all he still died. He had died, away from home and alone. Something they all dreaded.
Charles took the news stoically. As best he could.
All his coping techniques coming into play. He coped with the news and knew there was just one thing he needed to do after processing it.
He needed to tell Molly.
They were separated now, but not divorced. That hadn't come up in their talks yet. But he knew it was just a matter of time. She was aware of all his faults, and what had happened on his last tour with Georgie, and rightly so she was finding it impossible to forgive him.
He had fucked up. That was apparent immediately. It was a hard wake up call, but it stopped it going any further.
He had simply come home. Admitted his faults. He had taken time out for help and treatment, and it was during this time that the Army considered his faults to be too many and so chose to let him go. He wasn't the character they had wanted, nor the liability he had become. And so Charles after a lot of string pulling was now just waiting out for his discharged. His character and reputation was still to be intact, but his expected life plans were now in ruins.
He was broken.
He was an adulterer.
He was everything he thought he would never become.
He was a failed leader. Failed at being a good example for Sam, a poor son and a shit husband.
The type of man he used to hate, but here he was. He had done the unthinkable to his wife, the woman he loved; and he deserve all he got. And so he was content in just walking away... again.
She smoothed down her black dress and pulled her hands through the neat ponytail that she wore. Looking just beautiful and perfect.
Unsure if she was doing the right thing. Yet the courage she had always shown came to the forefront and she knocked on the familiar front door. Uncertain of the welcome she would receive.
The large wooden door opened slowly, and there she stood. She could tell she was struggling as to how to greet the woman who stood in front of her. The woman who was once something to her son. Someone he had loved so much so that he had nearly destroyed himself in wanting her. Someone who rejected him despite it being obvious he needed help. Someone who gave up on all they had. Yet Charles' mother was a kind hearted soul and knew today was not the day to be picking fights; to be dragging up sad hurtful memories.
Instead she smiled kindly and nodded her head in the familial characteristic way that Charles did, and indicated for her to move into the family home.
Neither of them spoke for a while, and then suddenly it was too much. She moved and grabbed her in for a bone crushing hug. Her hug showed her that there was nothing to forgive. The mistakes were her son's, and love him as she did, she still was sensible enough to admit that he was the one who did this woman wrong.
She relished the hug, returned it, but eventually pulled away.
"I guess he's still here?" She smiled asking the Matriarch.
"Bedroom." She tried to smile but it was forced. It was pained and tears threatened. "I guess you know the way. Be careful. He's delicate" she warned.
She nodded and slowly walked up the stairs. Still half unsure as to why she was here at all, but knowing nothing would have kept her away. She was drawn back to him. Always.
She could have quite easily have gone to the funeral on her own. Done it all as the single strong woman she was. She had loved Fingers too. Enough that he had mattered in her life.
She could have said her good byes and honoured her friend on her own.
Yet the she had to see him. The last time she looked into his eyes she knew that she wouldn't do that, leave him alone. She wouldn't be going to the funeral without him. She understood about suffering, and she knew he was. She knew this man, and knew how he'd be feeling, and that was why she was here.
Again she came to a door that needed to be knocked upon, and this time there was no hesitancy. She did it loudly and with determination. Her Captain, her husband, she knew was behind it. Needing her.
There was no answer and she slowly pushed the door open.
Molly's heart jumped into her mouth when she saw him. It seemed like such a long time ago that she had really seen him. Especially seen him like this.
He stood at the window in the full sun, straight and tall, dressed in his ceremonial uniform. This would be one of the last few times he'd be allowed to wear it. His back was to her, but she could tell his shoulders were slightly slumped, and when he turned around she knew what she would see on his face.
And she did, as he turned around instantly at the intrusion.
A burst of anger crossed his face, but soon left as he saw who it was. He squashed his eyebrows together and was about to speak. She knew he was questioning as to why she was there.
"I had to come." She stated. "I needed to. Guessed it was too hard to do on my own Charles."
He nodded. Unsettled; his hand offered her the chair in the middle of the room.
She moved over to it and felt uncomfortable in this environment.
This used to be their room. Half hers, half his. Molly and Charles' bedroom when they were married, and now was just his. It looked the same, but it felt so different. She had no place here.
She almost felt like running away and turning back but he stopped her with his voice.
He took in her black attire. Smart and beautiful. But something about her being here in that room hurt him.
He knew why she was here, but still he needed to ask the question. He knew she was here to help face going to funeral that was planned later in the day. He knew she was here because she had taken pity on him, because she knew how broken he was, because she knew he wouldn't be brave enough to face it alone.
"What are you doing here? I didn't think you'd come."
She smiled weakly. "Thought you might need a friend."
The mention of the word friend allowed a smile to cross his face.
Friends.
For so long that is what he had wanted. For so long it was something he had hoped for, yet believed he would never achieve with her again. For so long he wanted to be something, anything, in this woman's life and he doubted his chances. Yet here she was on the day they were to bury Fingers, to say their goodbye to a friend, she was offering an olive branch of friendship.
"I do...thank you." He whispered out. "Thank you Molly."
She sat there in the chair and shrugged off the short jacket she was wearing. The room uncomfortably hot.
"I see you're all dressed for the part." She said with a flat low tone, and watched as he merely nodded his head.
In his life, as a soldier, in his time in command, he'd worn this uniform too many times to say goodbye to fallen friends.
"I don't think I can do it." He said looking at her. "I don't think I can go Molly.
She nodded slowly and skilfully played with her hands and the bracelet on her wrist. It didn't escape his notice it was one he had bought her years ago. She couldn't keep eye contact with him. She needed to be honest, she needed to have no distractions. And looking into his sorrowful brown eyes would have been too much of a distraction.
"I know you don't. That's why I am here." She spoke.
"To force me?" He said with disbelief in his voice, a little bit sharper than he had intended. "Is that why you're here Molly? To make sure that I do my duty?"
"No." Horrified; she stood, shook her head and moved towards him.
She got closer to him than she ever had been for a long time. She could smell the man she loved, mixed with smell the fear. A sour and sweet smell mixed with his shower gel and aftershave.
"No I'm here for you... however you need me. We could go...or we don't...I'm just here Charles...For you."
He looked at her with confusion as she started to snigger at her own words.
"Sorry." She said instantly. "It's just. Them words. 'Being here for you.' Smurf once said them to me. Seems a bit of a stupid thing to say then...still think it is I guess." She moved slowly and held his hands. They were damp with sweat... "But they are true...I'm here for you Charles."
He nodded slowly looking at their joined hands.
"Thank you. I know I should go. I know I should go. I know I should go to say goodbye but I just don't know if I can."
They both turned, side to side looking out of the window. Watching life on the street below. The people down the street completely unaware of the dilemma they both faced.
Fingers had been a good friend. Had been part of their lives for many years. In the beginning he had been part of Charles' life more than Molly's. But then over time he became both their friend. And then the shit storm with Georgie came, and Molly and Fingers drifted apart. They hadn't spoken to each other in years. But still she remembered him fondly, and still was happy to go to his funeral today to say goodbye to the friend she once knew.
It would be hard. She knew that. Questions would be asked and gossip started, but she knew that today of all days differences needed to be set aside, and they all just needed to be there for each other. Be there for him, because she had seen him after Smurf. Had witness his grief after Elvis. She knew this man and how he'd react and she needed to be there for him. To support him.
She turned slowly towards him. She could almost feel his heart beating out of his chest. She knew it wasn't just a goodbye he was dreading. It was a facing up to everything.
It was confronting Georgie, and all his old section. Confronting his mistakes. His past and his future ones. It was a big ask of him. She knew that.
"You don't have to go Charles." She said. "We can say goodbye to him in our own way."
He bent his head and looked at her confused. She continued.
"We could just drive. See where we end up. Maybe will end up somewhere close to where the service is, maybe we won't. But whatever let's just go, and do something together. Let's just laugh. Let's just remember our Fingers. Let's just see how the day goes?"
Thankfully he nodded and followed her.
She sipped at the cup of tea he had bought her and enjoyed the warmth of it spreading through her body.
Today was bloody cold. A totally miserable day. Fitting for their moods and the purpose.
Neither of them really dressed for the occasion.
Both of them before now had thought they had somewhere else to be. Somewhere but here. Yet here they were.
"This is nice." She said without thinking.
He snapped his head around to watch her.
"Nice being here. Or nice being here with me." He attempted to interpret her words.
She considered.
"Both." She said with an honesty that had surprised her.
He offered no reply. Instead they both kept walking about the lake. With no plans to be anywhere or direction to aim towards.
He had taken her up on her offer. Accepted her truce, even if it was just for today. And so they set out in his car, to an unknown destination. Attending the funeral was never mentioned again. They drove far away from that event.
She had enjoyed the ride. Enjoyed the soft conversation they both attempted. Enjoyed how safe she felt sitting there next to him, and how right it felt too. She hadn't expected that. This was the longest they had spent in just each other's company for such a long time, and Molly wasn't surprised when she realised just how much she had missed him.
As Charles drove she risked small glances over at him. He still was the best looking man she had ever known. She used to think he was perfect both inside and out, and deep down she still knew that was true. He had just messed up and got lost. It happened and it broke her heart, but time had moved them on.
They had briefly bumped into each other over a year ago and tried to be civil to each other for the sake of the others in their company. Surprisingly it worked. Then one wet afternoon soon after that it happened again, and once again due to the social setting they found themselves in they had to be polite.
Her friends praised her. Were amazed at how nice she was to him. How she never slagged him off to anyone who would listen. How she used to stick up for him. But Molly never took too much heed of their praise. She found it easy. Being nice to him came naturally. Was something she still wanted to do.
Soon the meetings weren't by accident but planned. It gave them time to shout, rage, and confess. It cleared the air to a degree. Explained at lot to them both. Highlighted the problems they had had but had chosen not to address... until it was too late. Too late because by the time these honest conversions had happened they were destroyed.
They slowly walked around the large lake. Both lost in their own thoughts and worries. People passed them by, also in their own worlds, and gave little thought to the dashing man, half clad in smart military attire and his beautiful companion.
"I used the think we'd be like that." He suddenly said. Snapping her out of the day dream she was in.
She followed his gaze and saw his eye had rested on an elderly couple walking towards them hand in hand.
She nodded and she looked sadly at him.
"Me to." Was all she said.
"Look Molly.." He began but she held up her hand to stop him and she did.
"Don't!" She knew what he was going to say. He had said it before. Said it ever time they had met almost and she didn't need him to say it any more.
They had been through it all several times before.
They over the past few years had talked lots, but it still didn't repair the trust that had been betrayed. It had though been discussed and brought out into the open.
She knew how he felt about it all. He knew how she felt about it all, and today wasn't a day that she felt they should revisit such opinions.
He bit his lip and nodded keeping on walking by her side. He held his tongue at her bidding. Instead he watched, just as Molly watched the elderly couple walk past. Hand in hand and so much in love still despite their advancing years.
Molly frowned as they moved beyond her vision. She had been touched by the sight of old lovers more than she had expected. It had bothered her. She had expected that too. To grow old with Charles. To be with him for ever, just like the elderly strangers had been. Yet she wasn't; they weren't. They were apart and she hated that more than anything.
"If there was one thing. One thing out of everything that happened that you could change." She asked suddenly without thinking too much. "What would it be?"
He stood still, shocked by her words. Surely she'd know what his answer to such a question would be.
"Nah!" She added at speed. "I meant part from that." She knew he regretted that! Understood now he regretted everything to do with Georgie.
"I don't know." He eventually sighed. "There are so many things that I regret."
"Like?" She pushed.
"Like not breaking my new boots in on my fourth tour". He laughed as she gently knocked into his shoulder. "Those blisters bloody hurt. Though if I had I wouldn't have got to spend so much time with you!"
She laughed.
"And I'd have bought more Rosabya capsules before then went out of production. The replacement is just shocking."
Again she laughed, but this time more happily.
She merely listened to his words and said no more.
Eventually though he asked. "And you? What would you change?" He turned to her as they had started walking again.
She hadn't expected him to turn the question back on her. So her reply was not thought out but automatic and from the heart.
"That I let you go." She rushed out. Then dipped her head in embarrassment.
He moved them towards a bench where they sat down.
"I guess you didn't have a choice." He gallantly said. "After what I did."
She shook her head. Clarity for the first time in a long time hit her. "I did." She admitted. "Have a choice...that is... but I was hurt... and stubborn."
"No." He refused to allow any hope. "No I messed up...it was the only way." He replied.
"No." She shook her head and gazed out at the ducks battling against the windy weather on the lake. "I could have stayed; helped you. I knew what you did and all that, but I knew why... kind of."
"Molly." Charles began this was too painful for him. "Don't."
"Ok." She said and stood to move. "I'm freezing. Think we should be going." She announced and began to walk toward his car. Annoyed she had let her walls down briefly. Had given him and opening and he had said in effect 'no'.
He caught her up as she approached the car.
"You know he once nicked all your coffee pods. As a dare. Fingers that is." She shouted over the roof of his car as he approached. "It was me who got them back and put them back in your cabin."
Charles cocked his head listening to her.
"I knew what a grumpy bastard you'd be without then." She embellished. "And I didn't want that. Hated when you were grumpy, or stressed... or sad."
Opening the car he sat down inside and waited for her to get in too.
"Worried I'd give you a 5k tab to do?" He joked and tried to laugh at what she said. But it had been a typical Molly Dawes thing to do. To think of others first.
"No." She shook her head fiercely. "No. It was cause it hurt me, still does when you're unhappy. To see you like that."
He rested his head against the head rest and closed his eyes. Tight. This stopped the tears that were threatening to fall, from falling! Her words meant she still cared.
"I still do." She added when he spoke no more. "And you're not happy are you?"
He froze. He wanted to be stoical. He knew he had hurt her and deserved no more chances but still he needed to be honest.
"No Molly. I'm not. I'm not happy." He breathed out.
"So?" She asked moving her body in her seat to look at him and grabbed his hand. "What would make you happy." She hated to see him suffer.
"You. Having you back." He shot back and looked at her. "You know that." He said ever so quietly.
Her hand left his instantly. She had, yet also hadn't expected that reply. In the past he had tried to be so closed off to any chance of hope. Or maybe she had, and briefly, but quickly she realised that maybe she had wanted him to say that. Yet now he had she was unsure what to say.
They sat there in silence for a while, and had she not been so on edge, so attuned to being just them sitting there in his stationary car, she might not have heard him.
"What about you Molly? Would that make you happy?" He bravely and ever so quietly again asked. He felt like he had no power left in his body never mind his voice.
She watched him. Watched the emotions of self-doubt, pain and eventually love move across his face. "I don't..." She began and watched him stiffen at her beginning. "I can't."
He nodded and went to press the ignition button on the car console.
She reached out her hand and stopped him.
"Fingers ripped the piss out of me for days you know! After I put them pods back. Said I was a soft touch." He went to speak but she continued quickly. "Thing is I'm not... a soft touch." She smiled. "And I didn't mind. I just know when something... someone is worth the grief and pain."
He dripped his head and looked at his hands that rested on the steering wheel. Ready to drive away if needed.
"And am I?" He asked. "Worth it? Still?"
She moved one of her hands on top of one of his. They both held the steering wheel of the car.
"I guess you were then." She nodded to him and he caught her eye. "And still are... worth it I mean."
Although the engine was now running. Still he didn't set , he wanted instead to be sure before he began.
"So what now?" He asked. "Where do we go from here?"
"Well I guess... I don't know actually Charles." She watched as he put the car into gear and pulled out of the parking stop. "But we could try, and I guess wherever we end up at least we'll end up there... together."
As he moved onto the main busy road they both briefly glanced at each other and as their eyes met there was once again something. Something that had been missing for a long time, a glimmer of hope and expectation in their dreams and wishes that they now shared.
It was enough for now. A direction, and her hand held in his tightly in his lap as he drove onwards declared that to them and all who would come to see.
