Warning! No offense to anyone, but I am not a fan of the "A dog named Dog" trope, so I gave the Bad guys quintet individual names, which they will be referred to as throughout the story.
Rated T for language, violence and adult themes.
Warning for this chapter! Sexual dialogue.
chapter 1: Not a bad beginning
Things changed to extreme levels after The Bad guys, the most wanted criminals in the city, were released from prison for good behaviour. They started looking for real jobs, appearing on interviews with their real names- Mason Wolf, Antonio Snake, Sid Vicious Shark, Pedrarias Piranha and Pastelle Tarantula.
Mason, however, was the one, who went through the biggest changes of the group, as he ended up marrying governor Diane Foxington, after a year and a half of dating. He even took her last name, while preserving his own as well- he was now Mason Wolf-Foxington. He believed a new name would make it easier for him at job interviews. The fact that he was the governor's husband did not hurt either.
Diane and Mason have been married for 2 years already, so it was safe to say that they were at the point, where they wanted to have children of their own. So they started making attempts to conceive. They tried every time, when they had the chance. Diane took pregnancy tests to see the results, but every time they were all negative. 6 months have passed ever since the couple's first attempt. In time, for Diane and Mason, making love became more of a chore, rather than an intimate experience between the two. Needless to say, that they were both starting to get very tired and even bored.
This morning was not any different. Diane woke up early and took a pregnancy test. After waiting 15 minutes in the bathroom, she was not surprised to see that the results were negative again, but part of her wished them to be positive. She was sick of disappointments.
- Good morning, babe!- Mason surprised her.- Whatcha got there?
- Hi, Mason!- Diane greeted him back, but not as enthusiastically.- Just checking on something.
- Negative again, right?- the wolf asked her, completely unfazed. He got a nod in response.- I don't understand! It's been half a year. How come you're still not pregnant? What are we doing wrong?
- I think it's because we are different species.
- Yeah, but conception is possible if the two species are from the same biological family. We are both canids.
- You know, dear! I think it's about time we seek some help.
- Apologies, darling, but what are we doing here again?- Mason was not comfortable with visiting a sexologist, of all experts.
- I told you!- Diane answered.- We need some help.
Diane and Mason were only one couple among many, attending Dr. Euphoria's session. Dr. Euphoria was a human woman of the Caucasian race, and a self-proclaimed somatic sexologist. Whatever that meant? She appeared to be in her 30's.
- Okay, friends!- Dr. Euphoria spoke.- Welcome to the first day of satisfaction! Let's talk about bananas and walnuts!
- I don't think, she's talking about sundaes!- Mason whispered to his wife's ear.
- Lesson Number 1!- the sexologist continued.- Be sure that men are more sex crazy than women! Seriously, men think about banging, at least 99% of the time.
As a man himself, Mason found this comment very offensive.
- That's why, you must see your own man as your own dairy cow, meaning you have to "milk" him as much as you can, ladies. Take as much of the "white juice" as you can, because you must keep your man satisfied. Otherwise, he might grow bored. Seriously, for men, the performance in bed is important.
Even Diane found all of that more sexist than actually helpful. It did not take much longer for her to notice her husband's disgust as well.
Eventually, dr. Euphoria could not help but notice that two of the participants were not in a mood to listen to her, so she asked them politely for a meeting in her office after the session was over.
- I got the impression, Mr. and Mrs. Foxington, that you were not interested in what I was saying back there.
- No offense, doc!- Mason responded.- But I think you approach is more or less...- he looked for a fitting word.- ineffective.
- What exactly is the problem?- the sexologist continued, unfazed by the wolf's remark.
- The thing is- Diane spoke.- my husband and I are trying to conceive a child. It's been 6 months and still nothing.
- Well, you might be doing something wrong? Let me and your husband try this time.- she winked.- He's quite a looker, anyway.
Mason found this quite worrisome, but luckily for him, his wife was there to help.
- We'll skip.- the fox said unimpressed and slightly annoyed.- If you can simply recommend us a good gynecologist, we'll appreciate it.
- Of course!- the woman said with a smile.- But no need to blame me for your wolf's soft banana.
- Hey!- Mason felt offended. That was the first and last time, he was ever consulting a sexologist.
- Okay, Mr. and Mrs. Foxington!- the doctor arrived with the results.- I have good news and bad news. The good news is that the problem is not in the methods. You two are not doing it wrong.
- And the bad news?- Diane asked worried, with her husband holding her hand.
- The bad news is that it doesn't actually matter which methods you use.- the doctor answered.- Your husband here- he pointed at Mason.- cannot get anyone pregnant. He's barren.
- What?- Mason could not believe what he was hearing.
- It means that you, sir, cannot get even a prostitute pregnant, much less your own wife. I guess this is your punishment for all of those banks, museums and houses you have ever robbed.
Mason felt exposed. His eyes got wider, thus revealing his mental state to the doctor.
- That's right, Mr. Wolf! I know everything! You have quite the reputation in this city. You and the other four. Besides, why on Earth, does a criminal think he could ever be good father?
Mason growled, revealing his sharp teeth. Diane caught his paw. Then she looked him in the eyes and shook her head, as if telling him that getting angry was not worth it. Luckily, he listened to her and let her do all the talking.
- But- the doctor was not finished yet.- even if the wolf was not infertile, your attempts have been pointless since the very beginning. A fox and a wolf cannot have children. The genes are too different.
- What?- Diane gasped.- Why didn't you tell us earlier?
- Because somebody had to teach that serial robber a lesson.- he replied.- That's why!
- Doctor, whatever my husband has ever done is all in the past. Nobody can change that! What matters right now is that we need someone to tell us about a way to have a baby of our own. And if you manage to get your head out of your butt and realize that, I would be grateful!
The doctor sighed. The last thing he needed was a scold from the governor.
- Well- he said.- there are other methods you can try. In vitro or surrogacy, but you might need a different donor. Or you can try the good old adoption.
Back in the car, after the couple had left the clinic, Mason was completely engulfed in his thoughts, and remained silent for the majority of the ride. His wife Diane felt sorry for him and decided to cheer him up.
- Hey!- she began.- Are you okay? You're not thinking about what the gynecologist said, right?
- Yes, Diane!- he answered sternly.- I am. I have done all of those crimes- I have robbed a lot of places and made life miserable for a lot of people. And now, I can't even give my wife a baby.
- Come on! It's not your fault. Things like that happen! But we'll solve it together.- she gently touched his cheek.
- I suppose you're right!- Mason smiled in response.- So, what do we do now?
- Well! How about adoption?
In Antonio and Mason's favorite diner, the two friends were discussing what the wolf had been put through.
- I can't believe your wife made you go to a sexologist.- Antonio was still processing what his friend just told him.
- Me either!- Mason replied.
- I mean- the snake continued.- she could've just said "Some men..." or "In case you meet a man, who...". But saying that all men are the same sexual predators is just goddamn sexist. That's why sexology is not real science. Why on Earth, would anyone discuss their intimate life with a total stranger. If I have a problem in bed, I would discuss it with my wife, or husband, if it turns out I'm queer. You know what! Forget about her! What happened then?- he said, then he took a bite of his pancakes.
- We consulted a gynecologist, who told me I am barren and it is my fault Diane is not pregnant yet.
- He actually said that?
- More or less.- he said, while stirring his coffee.
- What a jerk!
- The next moment he tells us that a hybrid of a fox and wolf was impossible, in the first place.
- After he told you, that you're barren?- Antonio asked confused and he got a nod from his wolf friend in response.- What the Hell is his problem?
- Forget about him!- Mason insisted.- What am I gonna do with that kid?
- What are ya sulkin' for?- the snake said.- You are Diane's husband, not her gigolo. She married you, not your sperm. You two will be fine! It's not like yer the first infertile couple.
- Yeah, I know!- Mason remembered the conversation in the car.- You know, we've been thinking about adoption.
- Adoption? Ya mean ya wanna raise someone else's kid?
- It's obvious that we can't conceive, so why not?- the wolf explained.- Besides, the DNA doesn't matter. We just want to have a kid.
- Don't tell anyone, I've said this- Antonio said.- but you're going to be a great father.
Mason was surprised at first, but in a matter of seconds, his expression changed from confusion to a smirk.
- Don't give me that look!- the snake was annoyed.
- You actually think I've got it in me?- the wolf teased him.
- Now you're milking it!
- Hey, I'm just happy you believe in me!
Despite his behaviour, Antonio was completely sincere when he said that Mason would make a good father. Back when the five were still known as "The Bad guys", it was actually Mason, who kept them all together. He was the voice of reason, the one with all the ideas, the one, who put up with them when Antonio and Sid were fighting and the one, who organized parties for their birthdays. There was no one in the gang, better suited to become a parent than Mason.
- Will you feel better if I tell you that Diane and I want you to become the godfather?- Mason spoke again.
- What?- Antonio was confused. Did he hear right?
- She and I talked- the wolf continued.- and we decided that you will be the godparent of our first child. Good uncle Tony!
- Don't call me that!- Antonio's mood suddenly changed as a reaction to that nickname.
- What exactly?- Mason pretended he did not understand, just so he could mess with Antonio.- "Uncle" or "Tony"?
- Both!
