Fall Out
Chapter 1
(Theme: Courtroom Confessions)
Spencer knocked on the office door, looking around furtively to make sure he didn't see anyone he knew. He was dressed rather casually in a black t-shirt and jeans with black sneakers on his feet. He was sure his hair was a messy disaster with all of the anxious finger-running he'd done through it in the last hour. He'd been impatient for this moment to arrive and now it was here.
The door opened and Kevin Collins, dressed in his customary grey suit, crisp blue shirt, and tasteful navy tie, stood holding the doorknob in surprise, "Spencer? What are you doing here?"
Spencer strode past the husband of his dear grandmother and sank immediately into the seat placed in front of Kevin's desk.
Kevin's brows shot up watching the young man's antics, still holding the doorknob in hand as he ruefully responded to the imagined inquiry, "Why yes, Spencer. You can come on in." He slowly closed the door, watching the agitated body language of the young Cassadine prince, and came around to stand behind his desk, a hand taking a hold of the back of his rolling chair.
"What's going on? Can I help you in some fashion?" Kevin kept his eye on the wall clock, he had an appointment arriving any minute now. He didn't want to be rude, but he wanted to firmly hold the boundary to make time for his patients and to support their anonymity.
Spencer sighed and shifted his weight to sit forward in the chair, his elbows resting on his splayed knees, hands fidgeting with one another, "Yes, I'm here to talk. You know, for therapy."
Kevin blinked in surprise and slowly nodded, "Okay." He pushed his chair back and sat down, immediately turning to his rolodex, "I have a client coming in a moment, but I think I can give you the card for a wonderful colleague of mine who you may feel comfortable talking to. Yes, Dr. Rae Cummings."
"I don't want to talk to her. I came here to talk to you." Spencer was adamant.
Kevin frowned, "Well, that's unfortunate, Spencer. Right now isn't a good time for us to talk because my schedule is booked. Another important factor here is that with us being family through Laura, it wouldn't be entirely ethical for me to take you on as a client. I would be unable to be completely unbiased in my assessments with you, and if there was ever any information that I found to be… let's say, less than legal, I may be bound to report it."
Kevin stood and checked his watch, "My client is already late, so let me walk you out in case they're waiting in the lobby."
Spencer sighs, "I'm the client."
Kevin frowned and checked the files on his desk, just in case, "I don't see an appointment for Spencer Cassadine and I-"
"But you do have an appointment with Stefan Matthews," Spencer said pointedly.
Kevin's hands stretched and laid flat on top of his desk as he sat back and observed the young man before him, "I see. So you made an appointment under the pseudonym of your late, great-uncle Stefan and your mother, Courtney." His hands clasped one another and he leaned forward in his chair, watching Spencer, "Why?"
Spencer faced Kevin's inquisitive gaze squarely and said, "Because... I need to talk to someone. And because you're technically family, I don't have to worry about drawing you into more of the crazy Cassadine Family shenanigans. If Uncle Victor or my father knew I was talking to a therapist, they would do a background check, and gods knows what else to the person to be sure that I didn't say anything 'untoward' that could be used against them."
Spencer frowned uncomfortably, but determined, "I don't like this arrangement, but it's the most practical I can put together under the circumstances I'm in. I really need professional help and you're the only one I can turn to. If it's a matter of ethics and being a client, then don't be my official therapist. Be a.." Spencer searched the ceiling while his mind whirled for solutions, "Be a mental health advisor or hell, just a very competent grandfather-in-law giving advice to his grandson." Spencer's eyes were dark, there was quiet desperation and sadness written on his face.
As Kevin silently considered the implications of the request at hand, Spencer's face turned redder and his eyes began to fill with tears. His voice was thick as he pleaded, "Kevin, please? I've got to get my life back on track and I can't lose her."
Kevin's head tilted slightly, "Lose who?"
"Trina." Spencer quietly admitted, brushing back a tear.
Kevin nodded slowly as a bit of understanding came to him. He reached for his yellow notebook and a pen, "Okay. Start at the beginning, what's going on here?"
Tension seeped from Spencer's body and emotions overcame him. He swiped at his face with his hand and took a steadying breath as he squared his shoulders, his chin lifted and he faced Kevin solidly, formally as he began to explain, "As you are well aware, I have always been a melodramatic, and frankly spoiled person. All I cared about was myself, my father, grandmother…" he paused and continued bitterly, "and my legacy." He gave Kevin a look of distaste and continued, "I was happy, cared for, pampered, rich, and the only people outside of my family who cared about me were my cousins and friends like Joss, Emma, and Cameron. Yes, we had our petty childish squabbles, but I knew that we all cared very deeply for one another and it colored my youth with laughter, fun, and the occasional scheme here and there."
His lips formed a small smile of remembrance that faded, "And then my father died- or at least, I thought my father had been murdered by Valentin and my entire world was brought into chaos. No legacy, no money, no one to teach me what it meant to be a Cassadine." He slid his hands over his knees before balling them into fists and sitting back.
"Who was I? Who was I without him? I was orphaned and alone. And with that… I can see now that I had so much anger and rage inside that I rushed down the path of duplicity, and maliciousness, and paved the way to where I am now- trapped in my castle under home incarceration. While the woman I love has to wrestle with herself for being with me. The whole entire world is out there telling her that I'm the one person who has single-handedly ruined her life, practically gaslighting her in the process! And it's true! I hurt her. Repeatedly for months, intentionally lying to her face so that I could win."
Spencer stood up in agitation, his hand mussing his hair as he began to pace the width of the room, "My life was in shambles and all I did was spew bile, hate, and misery to everyone and now Trina's suffering for it." He walked behind his chair and placed his hands on the back of it leaning forward, "And that's the last thing I want."
His memories took him back to the courtroom on that fantastic, heart-breaking day. He pointed blindly to where she was seated on the stand directly before him as he sat in the dark row. He recounted aloud, "She got up on that stand and practically told the world about her feelings for me and why she protected me, even at the risk of her own freedom. It was an act of love. She said it on the record. She wouldn't even lie to protect herself because to Trina, the truth is more important than anything else. Always." His hand fell and he looked at Kevin with bittersweetness, "I don't deserve that amazing act of kindness and regard."
He shook his head, "Trina deserves more. She deserves better. And for some reason, I will never understand, but will be eternally grateful for: she loves me." He straightened, his arms lifting and gesturing at himself as if to signal the improbability of it all.
His hands became tight fists against his chest, "And I love her so much, Kevin. I would give her anything, the entire world if she just thought to ask for it. Instead of all of that, she just wants me to be… whole." His hands flattened against his chest and he had to take a moment to gather himself.
"She has made it incredibly clear to me that she wants to be with me. She wants to support me. But she also wants me to get my shit together. And she's right! I'm poison as I am now. I've already hurt her too many times, and if I'm ever going to be worthy of her, I've got to get myself and my life together."
Spencer walked back around the chair and sat, leaning forward, his hands on the edge of Kevin's desk, "Will you help me? Please?"
Kevin finished his thought, scribbling quickly with his pen and then set it down, "Spencer, it's commendable that you want to be a better person and that you're willing to do this for Trina, but the real motivation has to come from within if therapy is going to work."
Spencer nodded, "I know and it's not just because of Trina that I want to do this. Let's be honest, I could do all the stuff I'm supposed to do to get better, and she could still leave me tomorrow, and she would be damned justified for doing so!" Spencer nearly smiled with pride at the thought that Trina was strong enough to leave him if she had to, "I know I can't hold her back and I know that she has to see real effort on my part. Trina is an amazing, smart, beautiful, dignified woman and I know without a doubt that if she couldn't look at herself in the mirror and respect herself? That we would be over. She'd cast me aside, and good riddance for it!"
Spencer looked up and then down, his brow furrowing as he admitted softly, "I'm terrified, Kevin. I don't know what healthy looks like. I've careened from disaster to drama to disaster since I was born." He looked up, his expression open and vulnerable, "I am So. Very. Angry. I feel like there's this…" his hands lifted and formed claws, tearing at his chest, "this hole right in the center of me and it's never going to be filled."
Kevin's expression was compassionate as he observed the young man in pain, "What do you think keeps it that way?"
Spencer shook his head, looked down, and shrugged, "I don't know."
Kevin's head tilted at the obvious lie, "I think you do."
Spencer shook his head again, "It's not rational."
Kevin's voice was gentle, "We're talking about emotions. There's a rationale behind everything, we just fight ourselves to define it. Even if it's painful and scary, there's still a type of comfort in huddling in the dark. It's in the light of day when everything is visible, and when we can't ignore or run away from what's troubling us? That is true horror."
Kevin rose and stepped around his desk, sitting back against it and hands resting on either side of him on his desk as he continued, "Speaking about bad things makes them real. Many of us are never able to face our demons. We just continue to run away from them until they overcome us, or shape us into someone we don't recognize. We lose ourselves, throw on facades, and hurt others before they can hurt us. Doing that is about survival and not about living. Does any of that sound familiar?"
Spencer was unable to speak but his expression showed clearly that Kevin was correct and about everything. He nodded slightly.
Kevin reached out and touched Spencer's shoulder gently, "I'm proud of you for coming here today, Spencer. And I will help you find your way back to yourself. I suspect you're not as lost as you think you are." He smiled reassuringly and stood up, "I will tell my assistant to schedule an appointment every other week for the next six months."
Spencer stood up, finally speaking quietly, "Thank you, Kevin."
Kevin nodded and walked around to the door, taking the knob in hand, "Oh Spencer? Shall I put these appointments under your name? Or do you want to stay Stefan Matthews?"
Spencer walked to the door and mulled it over and then responded, almost apologetically, "I think it's… easier all around if I keep the pseudonym. Does that makes sense?"
Kevin nodded, "For you? Yes." Kevin turned the doorknob but didn't pull the door open just yet, "One last thing, I want you to do an exercise for me. I want you to get a journal, and every day, write down one good thing. It can be something that you witnessed that day, something that happened directly to you, it can be as simple as having your favorite treat or just liking the color of the sky. It could also be a memory." His gaze was compassionate, "I think you've spent so long looking for betrayal and waiting for the other shoe to drop, that you've lost sight of the fact that there's just as much good and light in your life as is bad. So, can you do that? We can discuss how the exercise goes for you and move forward from there."
Spencer nodded again, "I can try."
Kevin smiled gently and opened the door so the young man could exit, "That's all I ask. See you in a few weeks, Spencer."
"Thank you, Kevin." Spencer nodded, slipping his hands into his pockets, and left the office.
Kevin closed the door and returned to his chair, mulling over the unexpected session.
Well, this will be enlightening. He sighed and glanced at the calendar, counting the days until Laura's return.
