You know what time it is? That's right, time for another shitpost fic that's a product of dosing myself up to the eyeballs on caffeine and writing whatever insanity comes to mind.

Whether this ends up being genuinely funny, or so cringe that you just can't look away, enjoy.


Griffin Forward Command Post, Sector 09, Sunday, 04:00 Hours, a few days after the beginning of Operation Dual Randomness...

"Rise and shine, Commander!"

An enthusiastic voice woke the Commander from his deep slumber. His head felt like a hunk of lead, his mouth was dry, and when he opened his eyes, the light of his room was painfully blinding.

RO635 stood by his bedside, waking up to the sight of her only meant one thing - he overslept...But, wasn't today Sunday? He still had the sense and self-control not to make it so that he'd be waking up with a hangover on a work day.

"RO...what the hell?...It's my day off..." The Commander groaned as his eyes turned to his alarm clock. "...why are you waking me up at oh-four-hundred on a Sunday?..."

"You have been summoned to the Command Room. Miss Helian is having trouble with the new system and needs you to clear a few things up." RO replied.

"Urgh...Can't this wait?" the Commander groaned, hiding his face in his pillow, which felt softer and comfier than ever.

"Nope, according to her, there is a lot for you to do today and not a lot of time to do it. Now come on, up you go! You know what'll happen if you don't..." RO said, her voice perking up in anticipation.

"Ngh...Alright...I'm getting up..." The Commander said as he sluggishly moved his arms to lift himself.

"Five." RO began counting.

"I said-"

"Four."

The Commander began lifting himself, his head throbbing with every movement.

"Three."

"I'm-"

"Two."

The Commander sat up, the room spun as he tried to regain his sense of balance before he stood up.

"One."

RO didn't even give the Commander a chance to sit up before she seized him by the wrist and dragged him into the washroom, the Commander groaning in protest. She all but tossed him underneath the showerhead, and all the Commander could do is brace for what was about to come next.

The Commander's screams reverberated through the room as he thrashed about like a fish out of water under the stream of freezing cold water, the cold drilling straight to his bone.


A few minutes later, RO stood in the hallway, leaning against the wall next to the door to his room. The door to his quarters slid open, and the now dressed Commander stepped outside, still shivering from his "wake up call". RO promptly handed up a paper cup filled with black coffee.

"Thank you." The Commander uttered.

"Uh, Commander, that's still ho-" RO let out an alarmed gasp as the Commander downed the cup in one gulp.

The Commander shuddered bitterly as he tossed the cup in a nearby trash can. "Let's go."

The Commander and RO silently walked through the empty corridors. While the Commander maintained a somewhat neutral expression, there was a certain aura surrounding him that made the hairs on the back of RO's neck stand up.

It didn't take long for them to arrive at the Command Room, the door whirred open and the Commander briskly stepped inside, silently gritting his teeth.

On the Command Screen, a feed of Ms. Helian patiently waiting was displayed. "Good morning, Commander. I can see that your adjutant had no problems getting you out of bed."

"RO has her ways..." The Commander replied.

"Well, in any case, I'm sorry to be calling for you this early in the morning, but there is an unfortunate matter that requires your attention." Helian continued.

The Commander grimaced internally, was there issues with the new Sangvis Arrivals? Is Team Puzzle having more issues? Did the data they acquired get corrupted? Did something happen with Ange in Germany? Was there bad news about M4A1 and M16?

"What happened?" The Commander asked reluctantly. This was going to be a long day, he could just feel it.

"As you know, with the re-launch of Griffin and Kryuger, we have seen fit to update our systems to a more modern architecture. The updates were just completed just last night, and you can expect to see numerous improvements to your quality of life because of it. Certain resources will be easier to procure, Dolls will be easier to train and modify, and the Combat Simulator has been overhauled." Helian replied.

"I'm sensing a 'but'."

Helian paused and let out a sigh. "We have also overhauled the Commander Training program, to give up and coming Commanders an easier time getting oriented with their responsibilities...Unfortunately, some of your credentials have failed to carry over to our new system due to an as of yet unknown error. Our technicians have been unable to recover them despite our best efforts, so I am unfortunately going to have to ask you to re-take some of these courses so your credentials are up to date in our new system..."

The Commander's teeth gnashed together. Training...this was somehow worse than if something was actually going wrong.

"Ma'am, with respect, don't we have more pressing matters to attend to than making sure my training records are up to date?" The Commander replied in the politest tone he could manage.

"We do, Commander, that's why your off-day is the only window we could fit this in. Both Kryuger and I would like this taken care of by this evening." Helian replied sternly.

"Understood, I'll get it done." The Commander said quickly, before rushing to end the call.

As soon as the call switched off, the Commander's expression instantly soured, his teeth felt like they were about to crack with how hard he had been clenching his jaw. He could swear that smoke was about to start pluming out of his ears.

"Re-taking training courses...Great, just how I wanted to spend my day off..." The Commander grumbled bitterly.

"Helian just forwarded me the list of tasks that you need to complete, there's a few Online Courses you'll need to complete plus some hands-on training that's been added to the curriculum." RO informed.

The Commander stood silently, his sour expression still frozen on his face.

"Come on, Commander, the sooner you start, the sooner it will be over." RO pleaded.


After completing a dozen captchas and logging into the system on the company intranet, which was being gratingly slow for some reason, the Commander finally managed to begin his courses.

"Assign dolls to an echelon, come on, how many times have I done this in real life now?" The Commander spat out bitterly.

RO pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed. "I know..."

"Filling out requisition orders to IOP, I do this every damned day! Now I've got to simulate one?!" The Commander continued ranting.

"I know, Commander..." RO placatingly said.

"Yes! I know the procedure to capture an enemy outpost! I know what combat reports are! I know how to deploy echelons in the field!"

RO sighed again, the Commander's frustration was boiling hotter and hotter.

"Seriously, what the fuck?! Rolling out a new system in the time like this, and now shit's already breaking! How do I even know this is going to save properly? Now on top of everything else we have going on, we're going to have all sorts of bugs showing their heads, probably some security vulnerabilities too! Who the the hell got a visit from the 'Good Idea Fairy'?! Maybe Havier and Persica developed one and sent one out to us, that would explain and awful lot!" The Commander continued cursing and raving.

"Commander..."

"Okay, what the shit? Now it wants records of my first operation...Don't tell me it lost those..."

The Commander leaned his head into his hands and took a deep breath.

"RO...I need a favor..."

"Yes, Commander?"

"Hack into the system and flag all of these as completed..." The Commander heard himself say.

"Commander...what you're asking me to do...it's not exactly..."

"RO, look, we all know I've undergone this before, I think I've done more than enough to prove myself here already, they just want this stuff flagged as done, they aren't going to care how I did it."

RO averted her gaze. She could do it, the Commander was more than likely right about the new system having vulnerabilities she could exploit; newer, untested systems are always easier to hack into than older ones...And if she didn't, she'd have to sit here and listen him complain for the next several hours...

RO let out a resigned sigh. "You're lucky I like you, Commander. I don't think I'd do this for anyone else..."

RO only had to spend a few seconds in Level II before every course he hadn't taken was flagged as completed, she wasn't expecting to run into any trouble, but she was taken aback at just how easy it was. The Commander was right, they were insane doing this kind of system overhaul with the kind of enemies they had made recently...

"Alright, I've flagged all the online courses as completed for you, but you'll have to report in person for the 'hands-on' portion of the training, so there's nothing I can do about that." RO affirmed.

"Good enough, at least it beats being hunched over a desk, what do we have first?"

"The...Tactical Training exam. It looks like Star has been assigned to perform your evaluation."

The Commander raised an eyebrow "Exam? I don't remember there being a hands-on exam for the Tactical Training, this was back when they were still trying to act like you guys would be the ones in all the danger."

"It must be part of the new curriculum." RO shrugged her shoulders.

"I suppose it makes sense, I don't think they're going to be fooling anybody anymore with the escapades we've had on the books."

"In any case, I've gone ahead and let Star know you're ready, let's head down to the training area and get this over with."

With that, the Commander and his adjutant exited the Command room and strode towards the base's training area. The boring part was done and over with, all that was left were just a few hands-on exams, but those would be no big deal. If a rookie was expected to be able to complete this, a well-seasoned Commander such as him should ace them with flying colors.

He'd have these done in no-time and be back in bed before noon so he could sleep it all off. Surely, the worst was over, and the rest of it would just be a victory lap...Right?

...Right?