"After all of that self-reflection, why in the world do you still hesitate?"
Kirei felt Gilgamesh's words scratching at him, digging towards his core, trying to find the truth of his ideology. Gilgamesh sat comfortably in his chair, eyes only on the priest that stood in the dark study, packing away his belongings to leave the country so his mentor's alliance with the Einzberns could exist.
Those snake-like slits Gilgamesh had for pupils made Kirei angry every time he saw them. It made it so obvious what kind of being Gilgamesh was. He was a tempter in the same category as Samael. He would rip Kirei from his faith and make him a monster for the sake of his own amusement. Kirei was a toy to him. That was why it was all the more soul rending that Kirei still stood mere micrometers away from being swayed to the golden man's path. Such was the allure of Gilgamesh's dark hedonism.
"Because I fear that when I've learned all the answers it will result in my utter destruction."
Putting a hand on his face, Kirei felt his mind at war. He feared the pits of Hell, and more so, he feared the loss of what made him human. Could he even be called a human in the first place if he could be so greatly tempted by the appalling idea of living a life dedicated to causing suffering?
Not long ago, he had lost his father to the gun of an unknown assailant, and he was mourning. But it was not for normal reasons. Like his wife who killed herself to prove to Kirei that he knew love, his only regret was not killing his father with his own two hands. Even now he played the scenario in his mind over and over. He imagined he held the gun in his hand. He could draw every detail of his father's distraught expression upon seeing his son pull a firearm out and take aim at him. How delicious that mere second would have been.
He knew at that moment what he was. He enjoyed suffering in others. He was beyond a sadist, he was a being whose mentality was antithetical to the rest of humanity.
He was alone.
The phone that was sitting on the desk before Kirei rang and he picked it up.
The voice on the other side told Kirei of the location of where the Einzbern faction was hiding.
"Understood, well done."
It was a part of his plan, but it was a plan he didn't know if he wanted to follow through with. The last bit of hesitation within him lingered.
"Ah, you've just received an exciting bit of news, I take it?" Gilgamesh had materialized so close to the priest that Kirei could feel his breath. The King of Heroes truly had no sense of personal space. To be fair what rights did others have to their own area when all things belonged to him. That was what Kirei imagined Gilgamesh would say as an excuse.
Kill Tokiomi and make Gilgamesh his own Servant. Then, trick Kriya Matou into kidnapping the Lesser Grail for him. Then, Kirei could finally face Kiritsugu Emiya. That man, his twin, born of the same archetype. Then, he would know who he was, and he would make his wish upon the Grail.
All Kirei had to do was tell Gilgamesh the truth. Tell Gilgamesh his plan and all would be put into motion down the path he devised, one that would bring more agony than he could even predict.
It would bring a euphoria he had never previously known.
But, it required betraying his master, slaying him.
It would require breaking off of God's path and onto one that would make the devil himself retch.
Kirei had accepted his nature as a lover of other people's suffering. He'd have to have truly been a fool to not have realised that yet. He wasn't even a beast, or a monster. He was just a shell. He was a vacuum sucking in other things to fill itself. He hungered for human agony and he would never be full. He was like the preta. He couldn't be satisfied, but he would continue trying to feast nonetheless. The only difference was that the preta hurt themselves in their endless cycle, while Kirei hurt others. The priest had accepted that beyond that cruel desire to see humans in pain, he was empty, not the slightest amount of love in his heart.
But, despite that self-actualization, he questioned the need to act on those desires.
He understood his desires as wrong. He understood what was good for others and considered it correct. Now, it was a question of his morals versus his own happiness.
The fact that he still felt there was a meaningful distinction between that which is right and wrong, that he considered his own wishes as immoral, it made clear that empathy, in its broadest form, still lived within the void that was his heart.
But, there was still that question. The question of what that unknown pleasure would be like. The pleasure born from walking down the path Gilgamesh offered was tempting. If he didn't search for that question's answer now, if he didn't face Kiritsugu Emiya, the man who seemed to be his mirror image, it would eat away at him for the rest of his days.
But, was that a bad thing?
God teaches that there is righteousness in suffering for the sake of one's fellows.
Could he live that life, rejecting his own being and live an upstanding life with nothing within himself?
His desires were sinful, and one must not let their sinful urges cloud their mind. They must not give in to temptation, or temptors.
"It's nothing."
The fiendish grin that Gilgamesh kept throughout the conversation dropped into a frown filled with frustration and boredom.
"If that was an attempt at breaking your humourless facade to tell a joke, it was a failure. It must have been an attempt at a joke, for there is no way you honestly thought such an obvious lie would be successful."
"I have no idea what you're on about."
"We both know you're one step away from the question's answer, and yet you choose to turn back now?"
Kirei turned back towards his suitcase and began packing more things deep inside. "You were correct, King of Heroes, I am one who finds the misery of others as my own pleasure. But, I need not indulge in such a vice. I think back to the teaching of my father, the love of my late wife, and I realise that to follow your temptations would be to betray them."
"But, with your predilections, knowing that besmirching their memories would make them writhe in sorrow if they were here, wouldn't that provide only further joy to you?" Gilgamesh smiled again. He was right. Kirei knew so well that he was right. It felt like the king had just latched his fingers around the priest's brain. His nails stabbed into Kirei's mind and injected him with a lust for human pain. It stirred something within him. But, whatever it was that quivered within, Kirei managed to make it still.
"It would, and that is why I know it's wrong."
Rematerializing on the other side of the desk, Gilgamesh's eyes pierced into Kirei, who raised his gaze from his packed away belongings to meet the Servant's serpentine eyes.
"You really plan to leave the country? You'll give up the Grail, your own happiness, all for the sake of a moral code that provides you nothing?"
It was Kirei's last chance to turn back towards depravity, and he felt his newborn determination waver. What was the point? Why did he care? If he didn't love anyone, why did he care about their own happiness? These were the new questions before him, and because he was who he was, he had to find the answers.
"Yes."
Disappointment. That was what Gilgamesh's new face conveyed. He was like a man who realized his investments were misplaced.
"Congratulations, Kirei Kotomine, you are and forevermore will be an utterly boring man."
Gilgamesh entered Spirit Form and left the room.
Shutting his suitcase, Kirei was now ready to say his final goodbye to Tokiomi.
The priest's mind wandered to the fact that Gilgamesh would likely not find out that, even if he was victorious, he would be made to kill himself through the power of the Command Spells. The prideful King of Heroes was a puppet of another's desires. The solace gained by this cruel thought, this small indulgence, made the man named Kirei Kotomine smile.
Kirei only found out the results of the war after returning to Fuyuki and doing some research into what clues he could find.
Beyond the atrocities of Caster, there were no large-scale disasters resulting from the Holy Grail War. It stayed the small scale ritual it was meant to be.
Tokiomi was assassinated by Kiritsugu Emiya who broke the truce between the Einzbern and Tohsaka factions. Kirei knew something like that would end up happening, but he also knew he wouldn't be able to convince Tokiomi to let him stay so he could protect him. Kirei's mentor was a man who was a polymath in theory, but was a bit of a dullard when it came to practicality. He knew not how the hearts of men worked. He could conceive of deceptions he could use as part of his own arsenale, but seemed blind to the obvious deceptions of others. Tokiomi Tohsaka was a man with eyes only on the Grail, or rather, the Root. Even the things right in his periphery were not worthy of his attention. At least he could take pride in being the image of a proper magus, for whatever that was truly worth.
Gilgamesh was able to keep fighting without a Master thanks to his Independant Action skill, though the lack of a source of magical energy left him weakened. He was able to supplement his loss in power by absorbing the souls of Fuyuki citizens. Kirei imagined it must have been humiliating for the King of Heroes to be forced to rely on absorbing the lifeforce of the modern masses to survive. It was a thought Kirei enjoyed.
Gilgamesh slayed Rider when they had their final confrontation, though Rider's Master lived. Rider was a larger than life man, but his ambitions exceeded his means. Rider's Master, Waver Velvet, was one Kirei had little interest in. That said, he at least seemed like a good person deep down. That's more than could be said of most magi.
Berserker was killed by Saber, Kariya Matou's deteriorated mind sending him into a rage that led him to attack Aoi Tohsaka. Whether it was out of spite for his love being unrequited, or an attempt to make her love him gone wrong, the result was the same. Aoi Tohsaka was killed, and Kariya Matou perished from his body's deterioration soon after. Kirei did all he could to restrain himself from thinking upon the tragedy of the situation any further so as to not risk falling into depravity as he so nearly did before.
The final battle was between Gilgamesh and Saber. As far as Kirei could determine, both Servants died in the conflict, as did Kiritsugu Emiya, cementing the priest's fated emptiness. That man who caught Kirei's eye was gone. He knew had given up his one chance, but the realization of his expectations still stung. Would Kirei have fully embraced his cruel instincts? Would he have reached some further realization that he couldn't even conceive of? It was best not to dwell on possibilities that would never be realized.
As for the Einzbern homunculus, Kirei saw no evidence of her death, but he assumed that her body had evaporated upon turning into the Lesser Grail.
In the end, there was no victor, as was the case with all the previous Holy Grail Wars. The Fourth Fuyuki Holy Grail War was over, and it was time for Kirei to move on, but he wasn't alone.
To reaffirm his chosen path, the path of a proper human, he decided to retrieve the one he had abandoned, the child he thought he lacked the capability to raise.
His daughter, Caren Kotomine.
And she would not be the only daughter he would rear.
"I know that my redeemer lives and that in the end he will stand upon the Earth. And though after my skin, worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God. I myself shall see him with mine own eyes-I and not another. How my heart yearns within me. Amen."
Kirei closed his Bible as the rain continued to pour and the burial went on.
The funeral for Tokiomi and Aoi Tohsaka did naught but reaffirm that Kirei still felt one thing for those close to him when they died, regret for not killing them himself. Yet, as with all his dark desires, he pushed them down, and let them suffocate in the void within him.
After the funeral, Kirei stopped outside the entrance to the graveyard and met with the young Rin Tohsaka.
She was getting soaked as she stood without an umbrella. Did she forget to bring one? Maybe she just wanted to let the rain wash over her. Perhaps it would help her feel clean as it washed away her regrets. Kirei attempted to hand her his own, but she turned her head at the gesture, so the priest opted to simply hold it above her instead.
"You have my condolences, Rin. Your father was my closest friend, but merely a friend. My pain is great, but yours must be far greater. The fact you remain so strong is commendable. You will make a great new head of the Tohsaka family." Kirei spoke of pain as if he was actually feeling heartache, but he simply wanted to say what he thought was best for the young Tohsaka heir. It was the right thing to do.
Rin stayed quiet as she clutched her arm.
"You're not accustomed to your Magic Crest yet, but don't worry, you will get used to it."
"I'm fine." Difficult as always. It was what made Rin who she was.
"Your father was flawless in his preparations. The Tohsaka magecraft will be passed to you without incident. You don't need to worry."
"I wasn't worried." Rin snapped.
Kirei knelt down, his pant leg getting wet from the rain-covered ground. He tried to look the girl in the eye, but she refused to meet his gaze.
"Rin, I'm going to be your legal guardian from now on, and as your guardian, I feel it would be best if you moved into the church with me. I can watch over and take care of you that way. Also, it will be the easiest way for me to proceed with teaching you magecraft."
"No way! I'm not staying with you and I'm never leaving my house! It's where mom and dad and Sakura used to live! I can't leave it!"
"Rin, I'm trying to do what's best for you." Even if he'd have loved to do anything but. "I'm sorry, but this is my decision to make. I'll let you take anything from your home with you, as long as we can find a place for it in the church. That can include any momentos you want to keep. We'll also take everything from your father's workshop so you can continue studying the Tohsaka magecraft beyond what I can teach. You can create your own workshop. I'm doing this for your own good. I can't leave you alone in that house and I can't move in without abandoning the church. I ask you for this one concession. You will still keep the Tohsaka name, and I will give you as much autonomy as I can. I'm sorry, but this is the best I can offer."
"I-I don't want to." Rin said with a hiccup.
"I'm sorry, but you must." Kirei gently pulled out a dagger with a wrapped up blade. "This is for you. Your father gave this to me when I last saw him, but I feel you deserve this more. It's an Azoth Dagger, a gift given when one is acknowledged as master of magecraft. Normally it would be early to give this to you, but I feel this is a worthy exception."
Rin looked at the object. She was processing the fact that it once belonged to her father. She must have been awestruck at what would be the last gift she would ever receive from her father. She hesitantly took the Mystic Code from Kirei and unwrapped the blade, inspecting it with foggy eyes. "This was my father's?" Sobs came from the new head of the Tohsaka family as she wept. In many ways, that dagger was a symbol of the will of Tokiomi. It was a tool given as a gift as a tradition. Tokiomi loved few things more than tradition and orthodoxy.
Rin continued to cry and Kirei considered pulling her into a hug, but he decided against it as he determined that doing so would just make Rin feel humiliated. She wouldn't want to be consoled by a man she disliked, not when she was at such a low point.
Kirei began feeling an instinctual delight at Rin's sadness. He pushed it down.
"That's Caren."
Kirei and Rin had begun moving the Tohsaka heir's belongings into her new room in the church. It was a rather cramped room of bricks with a vaulted ceiling and a single tiny window. The priest noticed Rin was staring at his four-year-old daughter, who herself was staring at Rin from the entrance to the room with the same taciturn expression as her father.
"She is my daughter. I apologize for not mentioning her before, it slipped my mind."
"I thought priests weren't supposed to have kids." Rin said. Even in such a dark time in her life, she still needed to push Kirei's buttons.
"We're not, but I fall short in many ways in terms of my faith. I guess I'm just a fake priest. Caren, do you want to say hello?"
There was only silence.
"She's a shy child. I hope she doesn't end up taking after me when it comes to awkwardness in social situations."
Rin stepped closer to Caren, who moved to hide behind the doorway.
"My name is Rin. It's nice to meet you. I hope we can get along." The Tohsaka heir put on a smile.
Caren made the tiniest of acknowledging nods.
"Since you will be living with us, I guess it would be best if you viewed her like a younger sister."
"Younger sister." Rin's eyes vacantly stared at the floor.
"Rin, are you okay?"
"I'm fine."
"Then why are you responding this way to what I said? You are clearly affected."
Rin bit her lower lip. Kirei realized she probably didn't appreciate his prodding. "I miss Sakura."
Such an obvious fact that had previously flown over his head. Perhaps it would be better to say that he understood that this would be how Rin would feel, but he hadn't focused on it. Her only remaining family, her sister, was alive but out of her reach. Sakura was a prisoner of the Matous, and Rin could do nothing to change that fact if she were to honor her father's wishes. The rigidity of the magus lifestyle was claustrophobia inducing.
Seeing the girl's turmoil made Kirei feel good, thus he knew it was wrong. It was something that he had to assuage.
The problem would be the method. The only way would be to reunite the Tohsaka daughters, but that would require the cooperation of the Matous, Zouken Matou in particular. He had never had an interaction with the old man, but if what Tokiomi had told Kirei was accurate, Zouken was cruel and manipulative. He was also a man of ambition. He would never give Sakura away now that he had her, not unless it would benefit him. Zouken also enjoyed tormenting others, the sorry last days of Kariya Matou made that self-evident.
Tokiomi had to have understood that too. Kirei, if he hadn't known better, might have wondered if his late mentor also drew happiness from people's suffering. Perhaps that was why he would leave his youngest daughter in the hands of a man who was likely torturing her at all times.
But, the real reason was that Tokiomi valued the search for the Root and the continuation of the Tohsaka bloodline as magi more important than anything. He probably perceived any torture as preferable to being one of the 'common masses.' Did Tokiomi actually think Sakura would be happier as a magus of the Matous or did he think her prospects as a magus mattered more than her happiness? Did he even take Sakura's happiness into consideration?
If Sakura was to be saved, Kirei would have to go to great lengths. Was he willing to go that far? The only reason he had to do so was because it was the right thing to do. He knew it was morally correct to save Sakura from the Matous and return her to Rin's side.
Maybe saving Sakura would be Kirei's final act of self-affirmation, the last thing needed to cement him onto his new path, the path of the righteous. He needed to prove to himself that he would walk the path of one who fights for justice.
"Rin, do you want to live with Sakura again?"
"What?" Rin spun to face Kirei, a childlike wonder returning to her.
"I can take her back from the Matous. She can live with us in the church."
The young Rin's chest puffed up and she seemed overwhelmed for a moment, but then she deflated and had a guilty expression. "But, father gave her to the Matous. If we take her back, wouldn't we be going against his wishes? I want to honor him now that he's gone."
Kirei got on his knees and put a hand on Rin's shoulder. "The Matous aren't treating Sakura well. They're hurting her." Rin was clearly shocked, as to be expected. "Tokiomi wanted them to treat her nicely. If he knew what was going on he would have gone to save her himself. Don't worry, I'm going to be carrying out his wishes."
"So, Sakura's gonna come back? She'll be okay?"
"Don't worry. I'll bring her back, I just need to make some preparations first."
Rin smiled wider than she had in a long time and began giggling.
Kirei would save Sakura, because it was the right thing to do. Kirei frowned.
"So, you want to take my precious new granddaughter away from me." Zouken Matou spoke in his disgusting voice.
The Sun had set as Kirei and Zouken stood across from each other in the Matou head's study.
Zouken had a vile grin. Anyone with even the slightest bit of sense could tell that Zouken Matou cared nothing for Sakura beyond her use as a tool. How could such a being exist? Such a wretched individual?
The truth was that it was believable if Kirei also existed. Zokuen was what Kirei could have become had he not learned restraint. One might think that Kirei would see the old man as a kindred spirit considering their shared enjoyment in human agony. Instead it just made the priest hate Zouken more than anyone else. Zouken was all that Kirei refused to be, and yet all he wished he could be.
"I am here to make a deal with you, Zouken Matou. I don't expect you to give up your artificial heir without proper compensation."
"And what, I ask, could you possibly offer me that would hold more value than an heir when I'd otherwise have none. Without Sakura, the Matous would be destined to perish as Magi. Shinji's magic circuits are few and of such a low quality that they lay dormant. Even if they were activated, they're so weak that he wouldn't be able to perform anything but the most worthless of spells."
"I realize your household's predicament, but I also know you have a more personal goal, Zouken Matou, one that supersedes the wellbeing of the Matous as a whole."
"Is that so? Enlighten me then, what is it I want and how could you possibly provide it."
"You wish for immortality, true eternal life, not the simulacrum of deathlessness you have now. You plan to achieve this through the Holy Grail's power. I can't provide immortality, but I can give you an edge in the next Grail War. I am quite confident you'll live to see it and could participate in it yourself if you wish, regardless of whether you possess an heir or not."
Zouken leaned forward. He was scratching his chin, bemused. "You have caught my attention. What is your offer?"
Pulling back his sleeve, Kirei revealed a series of red tattoos on his arm. Command Spells. "When my father died, he secretly left me all the Command Spells from the previous wars. As far as anyone knows, these Command Spells are lost. If I gave them all to you, you could power up your Servant in every one of their fights and they could easily claim victory. Immortality would be yours."
"I see, clever, clever. You aren't just some fool, Kirei Kotomine. I must say, that is a tempting offer."
"But, will you accept it?"
Zouken tapped his cane against the ground a few times, humming with his eyes closed. Kirei couldn't tell if he was actually taking the moment to ponder what he wanted to do, or if he was just putting on an act to be annoying.
"I quite appreciate you coming here and presenting me with such an appealing exchange, but I have to decline."
"Why?"
The old man began making his way closer to Kirei. "Well, you see, I've gotten so fond of Sakura's suffering, I don't know if I could live without it anymore. I guess I'm a bit of an addict now. You would think that at my age I'd know better than to get myself hooked on things." Stopping right in front of Kirei, mere inches away, Zouken looked up at the priest with a toothy grin. "I'm not the only one who made a mistake, however. You shouldn't have revealed to me that you've been storing the Command Spells on your person. It was the Matous who invented the Command Spells. It's only sensible that I would know how to forcibly take Command Spells from others, such as yourself."
Insects swarmed from every direction, even from Zouken's own maw. He intended to kill Kirei and take the Command Spells afterward.
The old man left nowhere to run, but Kirei had no plans of running. This was what he expected to happen.
Kirei's hand latched onto Zouken's face. The priest lifted the sack of worms into the air before slamming him to the ground. The insects had just gotten close enough to begin biting into Kirei's flesh, but they were too late.
"I will kill. I will let live. I will harm and heal. None will escape me. None will escape my sight." A pure white light, an aura of purity wrapped around Kirei and the repulsive thing shaped like a man. The insects that were vectors of Zouken's will burnt away from the light of God's touch.
"You intend to send my soul to the great beyond?" Zouken's body began breaking apart, the worms inside him shriveling to nothing as his flesh flaked away.
"Be crushed. I welcome those who have grown old and those who have lost. Devote yourself to me, learn from me, and obey me. Rest. Do not forget song, do not forget prayer, and do not forget me. I am light and relieve you of all your burdens." The light got brighter and brighter, shining through the window and drawing the eyes of any passers by.
"How clever of you! You really did figure out the nature of my longevity! I commend you!" Zouken was a wraith using insects as tools to interact with the world. The Baptism Rite Kirei was speaking forced wandering souls to move on to the next world.
"Do not pretend. Retribution for forgiveness, betrayal for trust, despair for hope, darkness for light, dark death for the living. Relief is in my hands. I will add oil to your sins and leave a mark."
Bursting into the room upon hearing his father's yelling and sensing magical energy, Byakuya Matou arrived only to see Zouken's head and only his head in the hand of Kirei. He was about to interfere, only for a single side eye glance from the priest to instill a fear into the blue haired man so deep it paralyzed him.
"Eternal life is given through death.— Ask for forgiveness here. I, the incarnation, will swear."
"Do you think you can be forgiven?" Zouken cried. "I can tell just by looking into your eyes that you're the same as me! You love the suffering of others! It's sweet music to you! Your very being is a sin that can't be forgiven! If you're doing this for salvation, then give up now!" Those were the last words that left the meat puppet's mouth before it disappeared, the rest the head swiftly following suit.
"— Kyrie eleison."
With one last flash and gust, the ritual ended, only two men remaining in the study.
"I don't care about being forgiven for who I am, I just want to do what's right."
Kirei walked towards the doorway, acting as if Byakuya wasn't even there. The Matou stepped out of the way when he got close, but Kirei stopped.
"Where is Sakura?"
"W-W-Why should I tell you?" The blue haired man managed to drum up the tiniest shred of defiance.
"It will make this faster. Don't interfere, and don't try anything like calling the police to tell them I killed Zouken. I will indulge myself and make you suffer if you do."
Stepping backward into a wall. "She's in the basement."
"Thank you. We'll handle the adoption papers another time."
Kirei went on his way while Byakuya continued to tremble in place.
Upon arriving in the underground chamber of the Matou household, Kirei was hit with a sensation like that of looking upon a work of art.
A pit of worms, the young Sakura being violated by them in every way imaginable. It was such a thorough form of torture that Kirei struggled to not let himself enjoy such a horrible misery. The little girl didn't even struggle. She just bathed in the pests. A scent of filth Kirei couldn't place was prevalent. It was a stench that could never be washed out of the room, for it had seeped into the depths of the very stone that formed the walls and pillars. Like a former smoker being offered the finest cigar, Kirei couldn't just take Sakura from this place, he needed to destroy it. Otherwise it would be an ever present temptation. He would always think of the pit of worms that he could appropriate and use to make others suffer.
Kirei pulled Sakura from the pit. The girl was in a sort of half-aware state, likely a defense mechanism born from adapting to the torture. Pointing a hand towards the lake of worms, Kirei gathered magic energy in his hand for what would normally be a basic blast that almost any magus would be capable of. The priest poured the magical energy from one of his Command Spells into the magecraft.
The blast was fired, creating an explosion that consumed every single insect. Nothing but atoms remained.
Carrying the half-conscious girl in his arms, the priest left the Matou estate and made his way to the church. There was one last thing he needed to do. Kirei knew that Zouken had implanted worms within Sakura's body. He needed to remove them.
Returning to the church and entering a private room, he began to operate. Combining normal medical techniques and his Spiritual Healing abilities, Kirei was able to remove the worms. If he had waited too long, the worms would have eventually grown so large and integrated so fundamentally into Sakura's body that they would have fused to her heart and would have essentially become her magic circuits. Thankfully, the worms were still relatively nascent, so he was able to effectively excise every last one.
When removing one particular worm, Kirei found it could talk.
"Wait! Stop! Please!" It was Zouken's true form. He had hid his true body inside his adoptive daughter, a hiding place nobody would have thought to look. How revolting, yet clever.
For the first time, Kirei laughed. He felt his lungs rapidly contract and expand in a way he never had before. This was laughing. It felt great. He just couldn't help but be so supremely amused at how Zouken, a man as old as the Grail War itself, a phantom of malice and greed who endured for so long and sacrificed so much, was now a helpless bug. "This is your true form. A pathetic little worm. No wonder you were so confident when I exorcized you before."
"Please, let me live! Let me live!"
"You tried so hard to achieve true immortality, but all your choices led you here, a little insect in my hand, about to be squashed. How does it feel?"
"Please, I don't want to die!"
"I've been trying to suppress my urges, but I think it is excusable, just this once, to indulge."
"Please!"
Kirei's fist wrapped tightly around Zouken's wriggling form, squeezing. Tighter. Tighter. Tighter. Cracks and pops could be heard as Zouken was slowly crushed.
Zouken was left as a red slime on Kirei's hand that the priest whipped away on a rag that he threw into a trash bin.
It was a euphoric moment for Kirei that made his toes curl and his breathing halt, and it was one he didn't need to feel guilty over.
If he could find small moments of acceptable cruelty like this, his days ahead wouldn't be so empty.
But, what if these small tastes of human agony tempted him. What if they dragged him closer towards utter depravity? He remembered how close he was to allying himself with Gilgamesh just from his silver tongue and getting to watch Kariya Matou suffer to reach an impossible goal.
He couldn't indulge, not even slightly. He couldn't risk it. His own misery was the only misery acceptable.
He had to be empty.
"Sakura?"
Her hair and eyes may have turned purple, but Rin would never mistake that face.
It was the next morning and after serving Rin and Caren breakfast, Kirei woke up Sakura from her slumber after her magical surgery, serving her her own breakfast while explaining the situation to her.
Sakura honestly seemed disbelieving of the priest's words. It seemed too good to be true. The grip of Zouken and the Matous was still tight on her heart, or it was until she was led by Kirei to the church courtyard where Rin and Caren were playing together.
Both sisters were crying. Kirei imagined they were wondering if this was a dream.
Sakura looked afraid to move, as if it might have been a trick. Zouken probably performed many such tricks to break Sakura's spirit. Partly so he could rebuild her as his loyal slave, and partly for his own entertainment.
Rin ran at her sister and wrapped her arms around her as tight as she could.
"You're back! You're really back!"
The purple haired girl wasn't reciprocating. But, she was feeling the arms hold her. She wasn't seeing any veil pulled back. She wasn't getting assiled by more worms.
Sakura let herself believe, hugging her sister back, wailing with all the emotion she stored away. All the pain she kept quiet to cope with the reality of living in the Matou household was released out into the world.
The sisters were reunited.
Kirei and Caren watched the duo embrace and cry for many minutes before they calmed down enough to speak.
"Sakura, I'm never letting you leave again! We're gonna be together forever!"
"I won't go! I wanna be with you forever!"
If Kirei was a normal man, he would have been moved by the touching moment. When he looked at Caren, he saw she was blank faced as ever. Kirei worried his daughter might be like him.
"Kirei." The priest's momentary distraction ended when Rin walked up to him and bowed. "Thank you for saving Sakura. Thank you so much. I'm sorry for always being mean to you. I'll never do it again."
Sakura followed her sister's lead. "Thank you for saving me."
Kirei stifled the desire to chuckle upon realising that Kariya would have given everything he had to be in his shoes. "You're welcome."
"Kirei, let's go out to eat."
Three years after bringing the Tohsaka siblings back together, Kirei was faced with Rin, Sakura close behind as usual, demanding they go eat at a restaurant.
"I'll give you some money and you can go eat where you want. You're mature enough that I trust you can take care of yourselves. Bring Caren with you."
"No, you're coming too. This is gonna be a family outing."
Such a small child yet she was a twin-tail toting tyrant with her demands. Kirei wondered if he had spoiled her, or if this was her natural predisposition.
"When I first took you in, you wanted nothing to do with me, but every day you become more affectionate. Is the Tohsaka heir so indecisive with her feelings?"
"Shut it, Kirei. I just realised you're nice sometimes, so you're gonna take us out to eat, whether you like it or not."
"You act like you have any power here. Fine, we'll have a 'family outing.'"
In the makeshift family of Kirei, Rin, Sakura, and Caren went out for dinner. They decided upon the tiny Chinese restaurant named Koushuuensaikan Taizan.
"Welcome." A short woman said as they entered. She had a cheery attitude that gave the restaurant a light atmosphere.
"You're really small. Your life must be terrible." Caren said without tact.
"Caren, that's rude. Apologize." Kirei scolded. This wasn't the first time she had been so bluntly rude and it was happening more frequently.
"I don't want to."
"It's fine sir, I'm small and I'm proud." The woman said with a chipper smile. "By the way, I'm Batsu, the manager of this restaurant. Please, take a seat."
The makeshift family sat at one of the tables, Rin and Sakura next to each other as always, leaving Kirei and Caren on the other side. They were handed their menus and Batsu left to give them time to think.
"Why did you say that to the manager?" Kirei's eyes were on the menu, but he wasn't really looking at it.
"Because I wanted her to get upset. It didn't work though." Caren responded.
Kirei gazed at his daughter, but the only thing she looked at was the menu. She didn't seem to process what was wrong, or maybe she didn't care to try.
This was worrying. It was clear that Caren had inherited Kirei's love of only the pain of others. There had been plenty of signs, plenty of incidents. This was just the last bit of necessary confirmation. The problem was how to handle this. He couldn't get Caren to curb her desires unless he confronted her directly. He would have to tell her of his similar predilection to convince her he was speaking with knowledge, not guesses. She would likely end up telling Rin and Sakura, but he had kept his true nature a secret for so long, it seemed easier that way. If they found out about what he's really like from a source other than himself, it might damage the trust they have in him.
He'd have to speak to them all together, a 'family meeting' where he would come clean, and they could address the issue of Caren's desires together.
"What would you like sir?"
Kirei was jolted back to reality. He was so lost in thought he hadn't even bothered to actually read the menu. He decided to just pick whatever his eyes landed on first. It's not like he was a picky eater. For the priest, food was fuel and nothing more.
"Mapo tofu, please."
"Alright, and you miss?" Batsu turned to Caren.
"Mapo tofu." Kirei could tell Caren was just repeating his choice. She cared as little for food as he did.
Soon enough, the quartet found their orders before them. All of the dishes were so spicy that just smelling them made everyone's nostrils burn.
Absent-mindedly, Kirei scooped up some mapo tofu with his spoon and put it into his mouth, and when he did, the priest learned of a new kind of joy.
The spice came like a tidal wave upon his tongue. The red peppers that seemed haphazardly put into the dish created an intensity that was like a cage for one's attention. The flavour was multiplied from the powerful burning. It was as if the dish was infusing the very concept of 'this is delicious' into the mind through the tongue, bypassing preference, or even if one normally enjoyed how things taste. This was an experience, not a mere meal.
Before he knew it, Kirei was shoveling the tofu into his mouth. He needed more, there was no acceptable alternative. For once in his life, Kirei knew what normal happiness was. It was a happiness he didn't feel even the most miniscule amount of guilt over. He was free to rejoice in the flavour that scorched his tongue and made the roof of his mouth feel sore.
The mapo tofu was gone, and Kirei panted heavily, not having taken a single breath since putting the first mouthful inside himself.
"Kirei, are you and Caren okay?"
The priest looked toward a horrified looking Rin and Sakura, then towards Caren who was panting similarly to him. She possessed a smile so wide it looked like the skin in her face would rip from being pulled so far. Was that what he looked like?
In the end, both Kirei and Caren ordered two more dishes of mapo tofu while Rin and Sakura struggled to finish a single serving of their overspiced meals.
Upon returning home from their revelatory dinner, Kirei asked the trio of girls to come with him to his study to have an important talk.
In the dimly lit study, Sakura and Rin sat so close to each other on the couch they might as well have been conjoined twins. Caren sat alone in one chair. Kirei sat across from Caren in the other chair. The three girls were all waiting for Kirei to say whatever he needed to. Kirei was struggling to figure out how to broach the subject. His difficulty with fully relating to other humans due to his nature always got in the way at times like this.
"I will put this simply. I do not feel joy like how normal people do. I don't feel pleasure from spending time with certain people, or with family. I don't have any hobbies that make me feel genuinely entertained. I cannot love anyone no matter how hard I try. There is only one thing I feel any kind of positive feelings towards, and that is the pain of others. When I see someone in tears over losing a loved one, I feel a lightness to my body in the same way you do when you spend time with someone you love. When I see someone squirm desperately for life, it makes me feel like I've been told the funniest joke ever conceived. I feel an ever present tapping at the back of my mind, a scratching that is etching words telling me to hurt others, to kill others, to draw out the greatest cries from them possible, cries that would be like an enrapturing melody to me. My nature is evil. In the past I tried to deny it. Now I just suppress it. It is something I can never change." Kirei's eyes had been closed as he spoke. When he opened them, he saw Caren's usual taciturnity, and Rin and Sakura looking taken aback, processing what they've been told. "Your thoughts?"
There was silence. Kirei wasn't sure what he was expecting. He was telling children that he was evil. What were they supposed to think?
"You don't do bad things, right? Even though you want to, you don't hurt good people, right?" Sakura was the one to comment first.
"I don't hurt anyone, no matter how much I wish to. I once came very close to giving into temptation and committing an unforgivable sin, but I managed to steer myself away from that path at the very last moment. I've done all I can to never walk down that road again."
"So that makes you a good person."
"Could you explain how I'm a good person?"
"You want to do bad things, but you're choosing not to because you know they're bad. What matters is what you do, right? And, I mean, it's easy to do good things when that's what you want to do, but it's hard to do good things when you want to do bad things, so I think that's, that's, um…"
"Admirable?" Rin said.
"Yeah, and impressive, I think."
His mouth hanging open slightly, the priest was faced with a reaction he never expected. He was assuming that any positive impression he had made on the Tohsaka sisters would have been broken upon pulling away the veil to present his true identity. Instead, at least for Sakura, she seemed to find new respect for Kirei.
Upon analyzing Sakura's reasoning, he remembered a scripture that extolled humanity's superiority over the angels because angels only know good. Because angels are pure beings, they only do good, but since they don't know evil, their actions are not difficult for them. They aren't making a decision. Humanity, however, knows both good and evil, so it is more impressive and worthy of being commended when they choose to act in the name of good, because they are resisting their evil desires in doing so.
If this logic was sound, then Kirei would be the most commendable man of all. This thought made him silently laugh, though he hid his mouth behind his hand so the girls wouldn't see.
"I…I think I agree with Sakura." Rin seemed hesitant, but convinced by her sister's reasoning. "Honestly, now I get why you're so creepy and annoying, but as long as you aren't lying then I guess you aren't too bad."
This was going so well Kirei found it unrealistic. Suspicious. He suspected some kind of ulterior motive, but then realised that only someone like him would try such an obtuse form of trickery.
"I'm surprised by your optimistic interpretations of my nature. Caren, do you have any thoughts?"
"This is about me, isn't it?"
Caren got right to the point. It was frustrating, yet worthy of praise. At the very least, it makes them waste less time.
"What does she mean?" Rin said.
With a deep exhale, Kirei moved on to the next topic. "Caren is my daughter by blood and as such it makes sense she would inherit certain traits from me. Not all of course. For example, she lacks my magic circuits. One thing I believe she has inherited is my sole love of pain in others. I suspect this is why she insults others so freely. Caren, does my assessment sound accurate?"
"Yes."
"Okay then, the next step is how to handle it."
"Why do we have to do anything about it?"
"What do you mean?"
"You kept talking about suppressing your urges because they're wrong, but who gets to decide that? Other people? That's just for their own self interest. Does God decide what's right and wrong? But why are his words about right and wrong any more valuable than anyone else's? Is it because he made us? By that logic, a parent could do whatever they want with their child and it would be okay because their child is their creation. Is it because God is more powerful than us? Does that mean that a person committing a public shooting is righteous because they hold more power than the unarmed innocents they slaughter? I don't see how any set of morals hold any value. We all just do what's best for ourselves. I want to hurt people, but I also know the law would stop me if I took it too far, so I limit myself to being rude. I don't see why that's such a problem."
Everyone was stunned into absolute silence. The normally terse Caren had just gone on an emotionless rant advocating for why her desire to be cruel should be accepted. She didn't talk like a child but an adult.
The worst part was that Kirei struggled to find any holes in her arguments that didn't come from a moral standpoint rather than a pragmatic one. He might have found himself convinced if it weren't for his refusal to even consider any aspect of Caren's, and by extension his, desires sanctionable.
"You can't feed into your desires, no matter whether you believe in subjective morality or not. Once you begin down that path of temptation, it will lead you to committing atrocities as you become willing to cross further and further lines."
"That's the slippery slope fallacy."
Where was she learning these terms? Was she learning them in school? On the one hand, she was receiving a solid education, on the other, it was making Caren difficult.
Kirei rose from his seat and looked down at his daughter. "I am your father, and you will listen to me."
"So you do believe that a parent is superior to their child?"
"Enough. I am doing this for your sake as much as anyone else's."
Rin and Sakura watched the argument uncomfortably. This appeared to be an irreconcilable situation.
Sitting back down and putting his head in his hands, Kirei tried to find a solution. There had to be something he wasn't thinking of, a way of convincing Caren she needed to reject her cruel proclivities like he did. Maybe he was looking at the situation wrong. Maybe he needed to change the base of his argument. Don't focus on why her desire to hurt others is bad, try to find an enticing alternative option.
But, what alternative was there? The whole issue was that the priest and his daughter only derived pleasure from other people's agony. Was there anything else that had brought them happiness?
Wait, there was one from earlier that day. There was that one incident. Kirei was happy, and he was sure Caren was, too. Was that really the solution? It had to be. It was the only thing that had a chance to succeed.
"Caren, did you like the mapo tofu?"
"…What?" All three girls said in unison.
"Caren, the mapo tofu we had today, did you enjoy it? Did it taste good?"
It was obvious that Rin and Sakura didn't understand what Kirei was trying to do. When they saw that Caren was staring wistfully into the distance, they decided they probably weren't going to gain any further comprehension.
"Caren, I know you felt it, too. The power of spice that felt as if the flavour was your whole world. It made me happy, and I know it made you happy, right?"
Caren faced away. "Maybe."
Kirei rose from his seat again. "Then, let us explore this. You don't need to be cruel to others. You can find joy from this new world of spicy cuisine like no other."
Karen felt herself jolt out of her seat as her father just had. She forced her body to turn towards him. "I…will explore this new horizon."
"What is going on?" Rin asked.
Kirei took Caren back to the restaurant and requested that Miss Batsu take his daughter on as a protege. She accepted. Perfect.
Now Caren could learn to love something besides the pain of others. It also came with the perk that Caren could start cooking that rapturously spicy food for Kirei to practice her skills.
Kirei wanted to add more to Caren's regiment besides cooking lessons, so he would begin teaching her Bajiquan. The priest's father Risei used the martial art for meditative purposes, to focus his mind and keep himself disciplined. Caren could use it for those same purposes. The priest would also teach Bajiquan to Rin and Sakura while he was at it, mainly for self-defense purposes.
Kirei thought everything might work out, that this was a life he could be satisfied with. He was empty, but satisfied.
Nearly ten years after the Fourth Holy Grail War, in the courtyard of Fuyuki Church. Caren deflected an oncoming punch from Kirei before grabbing the priest's wrist and pulling him in to elbow his solar plexus. Kirei grabbed his daughter's elbow before it hit while sweeping her legs, twisting the arm he grasped, causing Caren's entire body to spin in the air.
Instead of panicking, Caren utilized the momentum gained from her forced spin. She put all the kinetic energy into a kick that followed the path of her rotation before colliding into the arm her father raised to protect his head.
The priest wrapped the arm he just used to block around Caren's outstretched leg, grabbing her side with his other hand. He planned to slam her into the ground, but she managed to strike out with her free leg for a front kick faster than Kirei anticipated. The bottom of his daughter's foot crashed into his face.
As the world grew into a haze and blood trickled out of Kirei's nose, the priest let go of his daughter, unable to maintain his grip after taking a direct hit to the head. Once he was able to process that state of his surroundings again, his daughter had returned her feet to the ground, her elbow driving itself into his core.
Kirei fell backward and hit the ground, the wind knocked out of him. He saw Caren's foot about to come down upon his throat before stopping.
"I win."
"You have indeed." Caren extended a hand which Kirei accepted, pulling himself up. "You would make your grandfather proud. You're already on his level in terms of pure hand-to-hand combat skill." Caren was only fourteen and yet she had such a well trained body that her muscles looked clearly defined even when she wasn't flexing them. "That said, you didn't need to kick me so hard." Kirei wiped away the blood that dribbled from his nostrils, though it was quickly replaced by more. He needed to get some tissues.
"When we're training is one of the only times I can hurt somebody and not get reprimanded for it, not that it stops me from causing people pain the rest of the time."
"Caren, the point of you dedicating yourself to Bajiquan and the joys of mapo tofu was to act as a substitute for being cruel."
"They do help keep me satisfied when I'm not slinging verbal abuse, but it'll never stop me completely."
With a near inaudible sigh, Kirei felt frustration at his daughter's obstinate refusal to give up on her dark desire's entirely, but at least progress had been made. That said, he wouldn't stop trying to reign her in until she was completely rehabilitated.
"Speaking of mapo tofu, I need to get started on dinner for tonight." Caren began walking away so she could change out of her workout gear and shower. She was fiddling with a bit of her ear length hair. It was better to keep it short due to how much time she spends cooking and sparring with Kirei.
Caren stopped her exit when Sakura suddenly ran in with a big smile, Rin sauntering in after her with a haughty grin.
What new form of condescension did Rin feel like assailing Kirei with now?
"Kirei, Rin was cho-are you okay?" Sakura went from excited cries to scared ones when she spotted the waterfall of blood coming from Kirei's face.
"It's nothing, I was sparring with Caren a-"
"Oh, I know what happened then, nevermind."
Out of the corner of his eye, Kirei saw Caren smile. Kirei thought he was an empty person, yet annoyance always seemed in ample supply.
"Anyway, what are you two so happy about?"
Sakura hopped next to Rin, who slowly raised her hand, revealing a red tattoo on the back of it.
Command Spells.
Kirei had already been informed of the Fifth War's announcement and that he would act as overseer. Even before he was told, Kirei theorised that the half-finished state of the last Grail War would lead to the next one happening early, though he didn't think it would be as soon as ten years later.
"Impressed Kirei?"
"Not particularly. The Grail favours those of the Three Founding Families, and you are the head of the Tohsakas. It was obvious you'd be picked."
Sakura seemed to deflate at the priest's non-reaction, while Rin looked ready to punch him. He honestly didn't know what they were expecting.
"Can't you act just a little surprised? Widen your eyes a bit at least!"
"I don't want you getting conceited, well, more conceited."
Rin huffed. "Whatever. Anyway, it's time for me to act like a proper Tohsaka and carry on our legacy, with Sakura's help."
"Sakura will be assisting you?"
"Even if I'm not a Master, I wanna help Rin win and keep her safe!"
"We'll avenge our father together." Beyond Rin's notice, her words caused her sister to be enervated. The pigtail girl somehow didn't realise Sakura would have feelings of resentment towards Tokiomi for giving her away. "Once we win, I'll wish for Sakura to live a life full of happiness and free from pain." Sakura's fouled mood was restored upon hearing such loving words from her sister. Sakura truly was the world to Rin, and Rin was the world to Sakura.
Rin did a double take upon spotting Caren, not having even noticed her yet. "Oh, Caren, uh, do you wanna help us, too?"
"No." Caren tersely responded.
Caren, Rin, and Sakura were raised as sisters, but Caren always kept a distance from the Tohsaka daughters, though they created some distance of their own between Caren and themselves. After being reunited, Rin and Sakura were inseparable, but they also left little room for anyone else, especially not a girl with such fundamentally different values from most of humanity. The only reason they were as open with Kirei as they were was because he saved Sakura. Caren seemed to prefer being alone, but Kirei worried her isolation could cause her to feel more detached from humans than she already does. It could make it easier for her to fall into depravity.
The priest himself held much of the blame. He spends most of his time with Caren scolding or instructing her rather than trying to form a bond she could find comfort in, not that he actually knew how to form one.
"Rin, Sakura, I will be the overseer of this war, which means I won't be allowed to give you any assistance. As always, this church will be neutral ground to house Masters whose Servants have given up. Since you will be an active Master, you will not be allowed to stay here for the war's duration."
"We know. We already decided we would relocate our shared workshop to the Tohsaka mansion and make it our base of operations. We already own it and it's a site where the Grail can be invoked."
"Technically, I own it until you turn eighteen."
"You have to ruin everything."
"Rejoice Rin Tohsaka, for you have been chosen by the Grail. I wish you luck in your extirpation of the enemy Servants, and Masters if it becomes necessary."
"Yeah, yeah." Rin spun around and began walking away. "We're gonna start packing. Let's go Sakura."
"Coming!" Sakura followed after her sister, leaving Kirei with Caren.
Despite his concerns, Kirei was confident that Rin and Sakura would come out of the war okay. Rin had inherited her father's habit of being near perfect at most times, but making crucial mistakes when it really counted. But, Sakura was like Rin's second brain, always ready to remind her of what she would otherwise forget or give her carefully thought out advice. Rin often considered herself Sakura's protector after they were reunited. But, Sakura was also Rin's guardian from the dangers she was sometimes naive to.
As for the priest's third child. "Caren, I will be renting out a hotel in Shinto for you to stay for the war's duration."
"Why?"
"As overseer, I am likely to be constantly surveilled by the Masters and servants of the war and may even be attacked for my Command Spells or to stop me from enforcing the war's rules. It happened to my father, and it could happen again. That's why I want you far away from here, for your own safety."
"Do Rin and Sakura realise the danger you're in?" Caren asked.
"No. They'd probably get some silly idea in their heads that they need to protect me."
"Probably. They'd be all over you the way they are with each other."
"Indeed, so don't tell them anything. If they ask, you're staying in Shinto because you'd find it annoying to run into any of the Master or Servants and have to interact with them or having to deal with me while I'm busy watching over the war. Say you pestered me until I let you leave."
"Fine. The hotel better have a kitchen."
"It does and you can bring all the ingredients you need to make mapo tofu."
"Perfect. I'll start packing." Caren left and Kirei was alone in the courtyard.
The Fifth Holy Grail War was about to begin. The last war was a massive turning point in the life of Kirei Kotomine. It was the point where he reaffirmed his dedication to living a proper life and rejecting the deprived desires he held deep inside that had almost consumed him. This war may be another turning point in his life, and in the lives of the three girls he raised.
Kirei prayed that he would stay a man who did not live for evil, but for justice.
