Rosella wished her brother would hurry up and come down to the noon meal already; her meal was halfway finished by the time Alexander finally wandered in.
"What have you been up to this morning? Dad and Mama already ate; they had some meeting they couldn't be late to." She couldn't quite keep all of her irritation out of her voice.
Her brother looked over at her with bleary eyes, suddenly looking slightly wary. "Sorry… fell asleep."
Oh. She was well aware that her brother's nightmares often left him exhausted during the day, though she thought it a step in the right direction that he'd been able to take a nap. When he'd first arrived he'd been too jumpy to sleep during the day.
"Then you'll be well-rested for our trip this afternoon!"
Alexander certainly didn't feel well-rested. His nightmares the night before had been the worst yet, and while his nap had helped some he still felt half-asleep. "Trip?"
"To see that waterfall I was talking about, remember? You said you'd go with me this afternoon."
Oh. Right. He had said that. He didn't particularly feel up to a long hike right now, though. All he wanted to do was eat and then get lost in a book; he could usually shake the lingering nightmare-induced memories that way.
Rosella noticed his frown as he sat down in his usual seat. "You are coming, right? I've been preparing all morning, I've packed us the best snacks for when we get to the top. The view's fantastic! I'm sure you'll love it."
Alexander started to assent, despite his weariness. He stopped, though, as he remembered Ren encouraging him to assert himself more. To try and express his honest opinions instead of just agreeing with everything. "I… I'm pretty tired today, Rosella. Could we go on a different day instead?"
He couldn't help but shrink back a bit as his sister's clear irritation returned. She, at least, was usually easy to read. Rosella had never seemed truly angry with him before, but then he didn't make a habit of contradicting her, either.
"Oh… I suppose so…" she said. She'd so been looking forward to the trip, and while 'all morning' had been a bit of an exaggeration, she had spent a while getting ready for it. It wasn't even like it was an overnight trip or anything; they'd be back before dark. She was just feeling so cooped up in the castle lately; the short walks to the village and back weren't enough. Still, her mother had warned her to be careful not to push her brother too hard.
Alexander finally picked up his fork but he'd lost his appetite; now he felt guilty about delaying the outing his sister had been looking forward to. He idly pushed a couple of bites of food around his plate.
"You really should try the fish; it's delicious," noted Rosella as she watched him. He'd already gained some weight but not enough that she thought he should be skipping meals.
He nodded and tried a small bite to appease her, though he found himself slightly annoyed at her 'suggestion'. If he didn't want to eat then wasn't that up to him?
"So, if you don't want to go to the waterfall…" Rosella paused, still holding out hope that he would change his mind. As he remained silent she continued, "We could try out your new bow, or head down to town again."
Anything outside, really, would be fine with her.
"Uh… I was hoping to just head back to the… the library," he answered quietly, the last few words barely audible. If she kept pressuring him he knew would give in and he'd end up doing something he didn't want to. Couldn't she just leave him alone when he clearly didn't feel well?
Rosella sighed. He was always holed up in the library, or his room. How was she supposed to get to know him better if he refused to spend any time with her? She knew he was still recovering from his kidnapping, but it had been weeks now. She still didn't know almost anything about what had happened to him.
"Well, I guess I could join you there. I do have some lessons I've been procrastinating on."
And now she wanted to invade his haven, one of the few places he could be free from all the stares and people. Where he could put aside the pressure of trying to be somebody it was becoming increasingly obvious he never would be.
"Or there's this game I've been wanting to teach you, you'll love - "
Something in him snapped.
"Rosella. Leave. Me. Alone."
She gawked at him. He'd never before even been close to using that tone.
He regretted the outburst immediately. Eyes wide, he stuttered, "So- sorry, I didn't mean - " His gaze fell to the table as his hands clenched his napkin tight.
"I'm - I'm sorry. I - I've just been so eager to spend time with you, but… I should have listened when you said you weren't feeling up to it." Oh, now she felt bad.
"Alex? It's alright, I promise."
She wasn't angry with him. Once again he had gotten anxious and afraid for no reason.
He was just so tired. Tired of not sleeping well, tired of constantly trying to navigate new situations, tired of feeling useless, tired of being in a castle that felt like it was slowly suffocating him, big as it was. Tired of being terrified that his former captor would reappear any second. Tired of not being the son, the prince, or the heir his family and their kingdom wanted or deserved.
He couldn't do this. Not anymore. His family would be better off without him, anyway. He complicated their lives in so many ways and risked their lives by being here. He'd saved Rosella; Daventry could continue with the heir who had been raised to do this. In the long run, no one would miss him, surely.
"Alex?"
"I'm fine. Just tired."
Rosella didn't believe him, but he looked back up at her and said, "I think… I'll just head back to my room for a bit."
Biting her bottom lip, Rosella watched him go. Should she catch up with him and try talking to him more?
No. She'd already upset him enough; she'd leave him be for now, but maybe she'd check in later today.
Graham was considering whether or not to take a break from reading reports when his office door slammed open. Rosella rushed in and, seeing the alarm on her face, he stood.
She shoved a piece of paper at him as she said, "I found this in Alex's room. He's gone!"
Graham's face paled as he read the note, then dropped it. He was halfway out of the room before it reached the floor.
"Find your mother. I'm going after him."
Hoofbeats.
Alexander looked around and was halfway considering hiding behind a large oak tree when a voice called out.
"Alexander!"
Too late.
As the horse drew closer, he was surprised to see Graham himself riding it. He had been half-expecting a guard, maybe, if anyone. But the King himself had come after him?
Graham stopped his horse as he drew even with Alexander and almost threw himself out of the saddle. Alex found himself in a rib-crushing embrace and jerked back, hard.
Graham backed off. "Sorry, sorry… I was just so worried… when I heard you we missing, I… "
"I left a note," Alexander explained quickly. Had they not found it? He hadn't meant to worry them about him being kidnapped again.
"Yes, I read it. I just.." Graham looked at his son almost pleadingly. "I don't understand. You want to… to leave?"
Alexander dropped his gaze to the ground. "You'd all be better of without me. I… I just complicate everything. I know I'm not what you hoped for in a son."
Graham stared at him, eyes wide. "Better - better off?"
He closed his eyes and raised his head to the sky for a moment. He looked back at his son before continuing. "Alexander, if you truly want to leave, I won't stop you. But please hear me out first. I can't let you leave without knowing you understand that we would in no way be 'better off'. I know it's been… difficult to adjust, for everyone. Are you the son I imagined when you were born? Not quite, no. But neither is Rosella the daughter I imagined, either. You're both better. I never imagined I could love two people more than I love you two. Or be more proud of."
Alexander blinked at this and turned away from his father, toward the oak tree. "But if.. what if he comes after me? If he hurt any of you because I stayed, I…" His voice trailed off. The thought of that man being anywhere near his family terrified him.
He sank to the ground, back against the tree trunk and his forehead resting on his knees. How had he ever thought he would be happy here in Daventry? Sure, it was better than his life in Llewdor had been, but adjusting to life here was so much harder than he had anticipated.
Not for the first time he thought about he should have grown up happy here. But he hadn't, and it was all Manannan's fault. What had he done to deserve everything the wizard had put him through? Nothing. Nothing at all; he'd been an infant when he was taken.
It was all so unfair.
Graham had been watching Alexander as he sank to the ground, trying to decide how to word his response. The thought of Manannan returning to exact revenge was worrying. But having Alexander finally home was worth that risk. And he wanted to be there to protect his son, to protect him the way he hadn't been able to these past eighteen years.
Before he could say any of this, however, Alexander suddenly yelled wordlessly, the noise muffled by the boy's position.
Alexander stood, turned, and kicked the tree in frustration. Of course, nothing happened other than his foot starting to hurt, which only added to his irritation and rising anger.
"Alex, I - "
Alexander whirled around at his father's voice and cut him off. "This is all your fault, too. You should have found me. Do you know how many nights I spent in that cell of a room, hoping someone - anyone - would come and take me away? You should have looked harder. Instead, I was forced to rescue myself, and I nearly died a dozen times doing it!"
On some level he was aware of what he was doing, and that he needed to stop before he made things worse, but the anger was too strong. All the thoughts and feelings he usually repressed were suddenly bursting out of him and there was no stopping that tidal wave of emotions now.
"Even here he won't leave me alone. Not at night in my sleep, and not during the day when every moment feels like he'll appear any time now to ruin everything. I'll never be free of him and it's your fault."
Graham stayed silent during all of this, letting the boy vent as he so clearly needed to do. But the words still stung, even knowing Alexander was speaking out of anger and didn't necessarily mean everything he was saying.
Of course Graham felt guilty about not finding his son sooner, but he and Valanice had done everything in their power to locate him. What else could he have done? Daventry, his daughter, his wife - all had been neglected over the past eighteen years so that Graham could focus on the search.
And hearing how his son's kidnapper still tormented him sent a chill down Graham's spine. He'd known about the nightmares, of course, but he hadn't realized just how much the man still haunted him.
Graham continued to make no move to stop him. And he had no magic with which to force him to stop the way Manannan would have. Emboldened, Alexander continued.
"And I'm so tired of being told what to do. Before it was clean this, make me dinner, don't go in there. Now it's go here, read this, talk to him, play this game with me. It's all just the same, no one ever listening to what I want or how I'm feeling."
They had tried to go slowly, to give Alexander the time he needed to adjust. But perhaps they had still pushed too hard, been too eager to have the son and brother they should have had. It was just… such a fine line to walk. And the boy was just so… silent all the time. How could they know what he wanted if he never told them?
Exhausted, Alexander sat back down on the ground again, hands gripping the grass and dirt beneath him, hard. Manannan's voice echoed loud in his head.
Stupid, worthless boy.
He'd done it, now. Surely his father would want nothing to do with him after such an outburst. He'd thrown away any chance of still being welcomed in Daventry, even if he'd wanted to stay. Right now he had no idea what he wanted, other than to make it out of this situation unharmed. As if he deserved to.
Still, he looked back up at the King warily, ready to run if need be. Or attempt to, anyway - he was shaking so hard he wasn't sure if he could even stand.
Graham started to walk closer so he could sit beside Alexander but stopped when he noted how skittish he seemed. Instead, he sat a few paces away, facing him so Alexander could see his face, see how earnest and honest his next words were.
"I'm sorry, Alex. Not protecting you, not finding you - those are some of the greatest failings of my life. You never should have had to endure what you did." This wasn't the first time he'd told his son this, but he didn't know if Alexander would ever truly believe them, believe that they would never intentionally hurt him. "We would love for you to stay with us. You're our son. If Manannan comes after us, we'll face him, together. Having you here is worth the risk, no matter what. And I'm sorry if it's felt like we've been… ordering you around."
As for the other issue of him still feeling overshadowed by his kidnapper… well, Graham was honestly at a loss on that point. What else could they do, other than try to make sure Alexander understood that he was loved and supported?
Alexander didn't understand. After what he'd said, how he had acted, Graham still wanted him here?
They both turned at the sound of more approaching hoofbeats. Rosella and Valanice rode up to join them, looking relieved to see them.
"Alex! You can't just leave like that!" Rosella said as she slid off her horse. "You worried us sick!"
Graham winced, afraid his daughter's demanding tone would set Alexander off again. The boy's temper seemed to have cooled off, though, as he silently watched his mother and sister from his seated position.
Valanice caught her daughter's eyes and shook her head briefly. Glancing between her husband and son, she sat smoothly down to join them on the grass. A moment later Rosella followed suit.
"I didn't mean… to worry you so much," said Alexander, barely audible. All three had come after him. He looked around at these people who had been strangers just a few weeks ago.
He didn't, he suddenly decided, want to leave them. They weren't strangers anymore. And maybe there was some chance that they did care about him, for himself, flaws and all, and not just the ghost of what might have been.
Slowly, Valanice reached out one hand, giving Alexander time to pull back if he wished. But he didn't, and she took his hand in hers. Rosella did the same with his other hand and Graham with that of his wife and daughter.
"Shall we head back?" asked Valanice quietly.
"Yes. Let's go home," Alexander said.
