This drabble is set a few days after the caves.
I didn't think that you could feel numb and pain at the same time. How could that be? How could feel numb to the point where you feel like you are walking through life like a zombie, and feel an ache so deep that it made it feel like you couldn't breathe around it?
I knew every person that died in those caves. I knew them, and they knew me. Some of them were there as I grew up, some were my teachers, some were classmates.
Some I even loved.
One of them I loved and had that love snatched away in a blink of an eye.
Three days and I still could hear their screams in my head, see the terror that happened around me. When I managed to sleep it was like I had to watch my memories on a loop. And I didn't know what was worse.
The memories of the caves, the attack, or the cabin.
I sat cross-legged on my bed, watching the sunrise over the grounds. If you didn't know about the horrors that happened here, you wouldn't have guessed. The Guardians worked really hard to get things cleaned up.
To help all of us try to get back to normalcy.
I wasn't expecting the knock on my door at this hour, but it made me jump. I got up and hobbled to the door, unlocking the door and peeked out.
"Mom?"
Janine stood outside the door, surprisingly in jeans and a light sweater. "May I come in?"
I nodded jerkily and let her in. Janine looked around the room out of instinct before catching the open blinds. She looked at them for a moment before sitting down on the edge of the bed. She sat there for a moment before gesturing for me to join her.
I sank down beside her and adjusted my shirt, pulling it tighter around me as if it would help the ache in my chest.
"How are you?"
I looked at her with furrowed brows, shrugging in response.
"I'm not really sure," I said quietly, biting the edge of my nail. Janine nodded and reached out, resting her hand on my shoulder.
"Do you want to talk about what happened?"
"About the attack?"
"About Belikov."
I flinched at the sound of his name, my lip quivering slightly. I didn't want to think about it. It hurt to think about him.
"What about him?" I asked roughly, looking down at my hands in my lap. Janine was quiet for a moment, but kept her hand on my shoulder, rubbing it in small circles before squeezing it.
"I know that the two of you were close. Closer than mentor and mentee. You were friends, you were partners and you hadn't graduated yet. With the amount of time you two spent together, it was bound to happen. You can't be partners with someone and not become friends," she soothed gently.
Partners. We were partners, just not in the way everyone thought we were.
"What if it hurts too much? To talk about it?" I asked looking up at her, tears building in my eyes.
Janine frowned and shifted closer to me on the bed, her other hand coming up to rest on my other shoulder.
"I know that it hurts, but it will help. You can't keep it bottled up inside," she said.
I nodded and tried to blink the tears back.
"He was one of my best friends, Mom. He knew me better than anyone," I whispered as the tears got the best of me and spilled over. Janine nodded her head in understanding and squeezed my shoulders. But that wasn't enough, I needed more.
I moved forwards and rested my head against her shoulder, taking in the small comfort, but also hoping that she wouldn't push me away. But she didn't, she wrapped her arms around me and held me.
"The worst part is that sometimes I think I can smell him, you know? That I can smell his cologne. Or I expect him to be waiting for me when I walk out of my room. How do you get over that? Get over something that you've gotten so used to? I already lost one friend this year, how can I handle losing another?" I sobbed.
I felt her rest her cheek against my head and she sighed. "It's hard, but you will get through it, Rosemarie. You're strong, so strong. If anyone can do it, it's you."
I nodded against her shoulder and sniffled, not bothering to try and stop the tears now.
"Can I tell you something?"
I nodded my head.
"I am so grateful to him. He has helped you become an amazing Guardian, and I think that saved you. You are so much like me, Rosemarie. You have that raw power and talent, but he helped you harness it. And I wish that I could have thanked him for that. Because of him, my child is still alive," she said, stroking the back of my head softly.
My lip trembled and I felt my shoulders shake.
"I don't know if I'm going to make it through tomorrow," I admitted quietly. I didn't think I was going to make it through a service dedicated to the people who died.
"You'll make it. I'll be there, Lissa will be there. You won't be alone," Janine promised, going as far as to kiss the top of my head. "I promise, you won't be alone."
