Sympathy for the Devil
"Hey, Johnny, saw your latest scheme implode live on TV!" chuckled the Joker, as Jonathan Crane stormed into the Rec Room of Arkham Asylum. "I thought you were meant to be a smart guy! What the hell was that?"
"That was the inevitable result of depending on henchmen for anything," growled Crane, throwing himself into an armchair and sulking. "I told them to meet me at the Chuckie Charlie's downtown – I made the mistake of consuming a meal from them last week when I was in a hurry to get to the city library before it closed. I don't normally partake of fast food, but since it's literally called that, it seemed an ideal solution for my predicament. Unfortunately I got a violent bout of food poisoning as a result, and decided to repay them in kind by making them suffer as horrible a nightmare as I experienced through the use of fear gas."
"Which Chuckie Charlie's downtown?" asked Harley Quinn, frowning. "There's like three."
"Yes, well, I didn't realize that!" snapped Crane. "Hence the implosion, as Joker put it! My henchmen were apparently at a different location to me, and by the time we realized the mistake, Batman had showed up, kicked me around, and dragged me off. I admit it's partially my fault for not knowing there were various locations of the chain downtown, but it's also their fault for not checking to make sure that was the location I meant! They must have known there were multiple ones even if I didn't!"
"Yeah, pretty much everyone knows that," said Joker, nodding. "But you know henchmen – they're not the brightest. If you manage them, you gotta basically micro-manage them, and think of every little detail that could possibly go wrong, and have contingency plans for all of them. Henchmen aren't intelligent enough to be responsible for themselves, let alone your scheme. That's why I let Harley deal with them – I just don't have the patience to put up with that kinda idiocy, but she does."
"I woulda mentioned that there was more than one Chuckie Charlie's location too, Johnny," said Harley, turning her attention back to the TV as she cuddled against Joker. "But then I'm a cut above the average henchman. That's why Mr. J pays me the big bucks."
"I didn't know he paid you," said Crane.
"What, you think he prostitutes himself to me in exchange for me working for him?" asked Harley.
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Crane. "That would seem an ideal arrangement if I were in his position. Not me prostituting myself to you obviously," he stammered, instantly flushing. "Just the…hypothetical agreement of substituting…physical affection in lieu of monetary payment when working for one's…paramour."
"Yeah, it would be kinda hot, actually," said Harley, gazing at Joker with a dreamy grin on her face. "You would have to sexually satisfy me every morning before I agreed to work for you that day, Mr. J. Or the night before, or after. Or all three, depending on how well I do my job. It would be a great way to incentivize me to improve my performance at work."
"And that's why we're sticking with paying you money," finished Joker. "With your crappy performance, you'll need a lot of incentivizing. You think I got the stamina for that insanely intense regime?"
"Maybe. I'd sure like to see you try," purred Harley, sliding her hand up his thigh. Joker seized her hand and gradually bent it back further and further, waiting until Harley stopped squirming at the pain and then slowly starting it up again.
"The most annoying aspect of this whole ordeal is that now I have to arrange a quick escape from here," said Crane, hastily changing the subject. "It's about a month until Halloween, and I have to be out and have my scheme planned and executed by then. And I'm not inclined to work with my usual henchmen again, for obvious reasons, but I do always need help lifting the fear gas cannisters. They're damnably heavy."
"You should ask your boyfriend to help," suggested Joker. "I'm sure he's useless at heavy lifting, but at least he's on the outside. He could arrange a quick escape from here."
"Jervis is not my boyfriend, and he's in England," retorted Crane. "He went back to pay his respects at the Queen's funeral."
"What Queen?" asked Joker.
"The…Queen of England," said Crane, slowly. "She just died, after reigning for seventy years, in case you've been on another planet for the past few weeks and somehow missed the wall-to-wall coverage."
"Another one bites the dust!" chuckled Joker. "I knew no royal could outlast me! Close, but no cigar, your majesty! Seventy years isn't really that long in the great scheme of things – I've been reigning as the Clown Prince of Crime for over eighty years, and I'll bury 'em all, mark my words. Did Tetchy cry at the funeral? Why am I even asking that, of course he did!" he chuckled. "He cries at everything, including children's books!"
"Apparently while he was in England, he discovered some work needed to be done on his family estate, so he won't be back soon enough to help me with the upcoming Halloween scheme," continued Crane, ignoring him. "Which is a great shame. He's dependable, and one of the few people I trust…"
He trailed off suddenly as an idea struck him. "Harley, I don't suppose you'd consider temporarily working for me during the Halloween season?" he asked, turning to see her desperately struggling to free her hand from Joker's vise-like grip. "I would certainly match your current salary, and be willing substantially increase it in light of the favor it would be to me."
"Aw, that's such a sweet offer, Johnny," said Harley, beaming. "But I don't think Mr. J would consent to loaning me out. Would you, puddin'?" she asked, smiling at him.
"Absolutely not," retorted Joker. "Maybe to Bats, but that's it."
"Why Bats?" asked Harley, frowning. "I mean, the kids he surrounds himself with are pretty useless, but I'd never work for him even if he paid me a million dollars."
"I'm just saying, that's the only man I might be comfortable loaning you out to," said Joker. "Mostly because I'm curious about how his sexual performance compares to mine, and I'd want your feedback on that."
"You're not going to loan me out sexually to Bats!" shrieked Harley. "Or anyone! That's not what Johnny was talking about! And how dare you think you can just give me to Bats, as if I wouldn't have any say in it?! You think I'm just a toy for you to pass around your friends, you disgusting creep?!"
"Not my friends, just Bats," retorted Joker. "You should be grateful I value you so highly to restrict you to such exclusive access. And how am I supposed to know that's not what Johnny was asking?"
"Because Johnny wouldn't treat a woman like an object he can borrow from another man!" snapped Harley. "He's a gentleman, not like you, you horrible monster!" she shouted, wrenching her hand free and striking him across the face with it. "And just for that, I'm gonna do seasonal temp work for him whether you like it or not!" she hissed. "I'm gonna start by busting us both outta here, and leaving you in here to rot! Sayonara, jerk!"
She stormed off, and Joker shrugged. "Your problem now," he said, smiling at Crane. "She's not the greatest at lifting things, so if you want to find new henchmen in addition to Harley, I'd also recommend advertising. That time I got my millions and replaced Harley because it was cheaper to hire a new one, I put an ad in the newspaper which got quite a response. You probably won't get as much of one, not being as beloved as I am, but there might be a few desperate suckers, like Harley, willing to work for a loser like you."
"You don't know how lucky you are," muttered Crane. "To have a woman like Harley hopelessly devoted to you, and yet you treat her like garbage…"
"Ok, first of all, the forty-year-old virgin is not going to lecture me on relationships," interrupted Joker. "And second of all, you have no idea what you're talking about. You have no idea what it's like to have a woman constantly clinging on to you, demanding your time and attention, wanting to spend her every waking moment with you. It gets suffocating and annoying real fast. I am remarkably restrained in my behavior with Harley compared to what I'd like to do to her sometimes, so if you want proof that I love her, that's it. Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen, that's my motto. Anyway, she likes it. These little spats and tempers turn her on – after spending a month with you, and seeing how inferior you are in comparison, she'll come back to me all loved up and eager to make up. And after not having to deal with her for a month, I'll definitely be in the mood to warmly reunite with her. This will be great for all of us. Except you, of course," he added, turning his attention back to the TV. "Maybe you'll sympathize more with my situation after putting up with her for that long. But I doubt it. She's not madly in love with you, after all."
Crane stood up and stormed off, seething at the parting shot. But he didn't stay mad for long – in fact, he was quite looking forward to spending some time with just him and Harley. They hadn't really had any time alone together since she was his student at the university, and this might be a return to better days for both of them. He dared not hope that spending time together might warm Harley's feelings towards him into something more than friendship, but he told himself that if he ever was lucky enough to have the love of a woman like Harley, he would never treat her as appallingly as the Joker. He would never sympathize with that man, not in a million years.
