About Harry
Disclaimer: The characters contained in this book have not been invented by me, they are covered by copyright. The aim of this book is solely of an entertaining nature. I do not sell it or make money out of it in any way.
Part I of III
Chapter 1 – Nineteen years later
'It was a mistake; it has always been a mistake...' Hermione sighed. It was with resignation, a weariness of spirit that she was talking. Harry had seen her so many times in this condition in the last few months, he couldn't count them.
They were having tea in the kitchen, cleaned and tidied up after dinner. It was quite late; Lily had been in bed for a few hours already.
Hermione visited them when Ron was working late and Hugo was at the Burrow, and Harry believed it was good for her not to stay alone at home to brood over unhappy thoughts. At least, with them, she could brood in company.
Her marriage wasn't going at all well. They had always been quarrelling since he knew them but now it wasn't the light bickering of youth anymore. It had turned into a bitter and frustrated exchange of opinions that, very often, transformed into long and nasty fights.
He felt sorry for her, aware that there was nothing he or Ginny could do if not listening and being sympathetic.
'It's just…' she said hesitantly 'it's just like I've always known it couldn't work. He is a lovely person really, but we are so different.' She paused for a few seconds in reflection and then sighed 'We are not made for each other. We always argue, for everything.'
Ron was his best mate; however, he was sadly aware of his flaws. As Hermione said, Ron was a lovely person but his insecurity and his absolute lack of domestic effort made life in their house strained and punctuated by continues rows.
Hermione had a good working position in the Ministry of Magic as head of the Law Enforcement department and she absolutely loved it. Of course, it kept her very busy and when she returned home in the evening she was just too tired to be the perfect housewife Ron was expecting her to be.
He was putting a lot of pressure and expectations on Hermione's back and Harry, despite trying as best as he could to see Ron's point of view, couldn't help to side with Hermione.
Even he who, let's be honest, wasn't exactly a pro in domestic spells, managed at least to prepare dinner now and then, to wash dishes and he also knew a most effective spell to dust.
The difference was probably to be imputed to the two completely different childhoods they had.
Harry, at the Dursley's, had been far from being spoiled. He was asked to cook and do many chores around the house while Dudley was usually watching television sneering at him, all without the use of magic. Now, taking care of the house with the use of his wand was a joke in comparison.
Ron, on the other side, had been used to not lift a finger throughout his childhood. Molly doing everything at the Burrow and the house elves taking care of everything at Hogwarts. It wasn't the same for the other Weasley boys. They learned to fence for themselves. All of them, Bill, Charlie, Percy and George lived on their own and they learned, who more and who less (Bill the most and George the least), to take care of themselves.
Ron moved from his mum's house to a place with Hermione and was expecting it to be like the Burrow without considering that Molly was a housewife and Hermione worked long hours at the Ministry.
What's more, he just couldn't cope with the fact that she had a better working position. It was frustrating for him that while she made a career, he was stuck in the Weasley joke shop which he considered boring and monotonous.
Harry, on the other side, found it very good for him, being in a fun environment and a family enterprise. Although Ron, who couldn't see it in the same light, was constantly comparing with everybody else and he was feeling a complex of inferiority he could not overcome.
Harry managed, without too much effort, to get the position of Head of the Auror's office. The ascending had been quick, painless and expected by everybody. While he felt some scruples in accepting it without any real career effort, he had to admit that he couldn't see himself doing anything else. He loved his job and he believed to be quite good at it. He silenced his scruples thinking that, after all the troubles of his early years, he deserved his life being just easy and pleasant now.
Ginny made a lovely career in the Chudley Cannon team managing their schedules, meetings and all the practical details. The team adored her. She had the firm character needed to handle those boisterous players.
Bill and Charlie were still enjoying their position.
Charlie didn't marry despite having a girlfriend, Clea, a Rumanian girl, for some years now, and a very vivacious boy of eight years old, Ion. Molly, which had given up years before on her battle against Bill's hair, had started the one against the non-married status of Charlie.
Percy, after the fiasco in the ministry, embarked on a career in the Daily Prophet, so that, by his own words: "witches and wizards of the entire magical community could be assured only the truth was reported!". He managed. Even if the pompous style that distinguished him passed on in the paper.
George was a bit of a spiky subject. He was never the same after Fred's death. It was truly like having lost half of himself for him. He started to drink too much, and he was often seen either drunk or in a dejected frame of mind.
He wouldn't go back to his parents' house but at same time he could not bear to be alone, accustomed in being always with Fred.
Nobody knew what to do for him, not even Harry who had to deal many times with death could think about anything to lessen his grief. It seemed unhealable.
When the situation was worsening, Lee Jordan, who had been sacked from his job in the radio as a speaker (due to some intimate involvement with his boss, a beautiful witch ten years older than himself) and kicked out from the house where he was living (the witch's house), had moved in with George. He helped out with the joke shop that was fast going down the drain, became an official partner and worked miracles on George's mind. Slowly, he had started to recover, and he had stopped drinking so much.
When business really started to boom and a second shop in Hogsmeade was opened, Ron joined them becoming a third partner. At first, he was overjoyed with it. A prospect of a good income always delighted him well enough.
However, after a few years of what mostly was an admin job (Lee and George were the ones creating and experimenting) and seeing everyone else around having a fulfilling and interesting profession, Ron started to be increasingly more dissatisfied with it. Now that money was not an issue anymore, he started to prize position and career.
All this frustration was brought at home and poured on Hermione who, having what Ron thought he wished, became a perfect target. Having a wife with a better job than him, made him feel more dissatisfied and frustrated than ever.
Poor Hermione did not know what to do anymore to boost his self-esteem and it was with increasing frequency that she was visiting Harry and Ginny's place to relieve her spirit, but she scarcely ever left feeling better.
Adding to that he was also very cold with her. He wasn't a very affectionate or caring person; he didn't show Hermione much tenderness. It is not that he didn't love her or that he treated her unkindly, but he would never show any sweet or gentle gesture toward her. This really hurt Hermione, who wished for the exact opposite.
'I envy your relationship' she would say looking longingly at them 'You always cuddle each other and kiss often. You do it not even realising it.' Her eyes were almost tearing up.
Harry trying to lighten the atmosphere recounted 'Well, actually, just last night, I tried to hug her innocently while we were in bed and she kicked me real hard...' Ginny interjected enraged 'Innocently?! I had just fallen asleep after a very intense day and I had my alarm set at five o'clock the next morning! Excuse me if I wasn't exactly in the mood!'
Hermione started to laugh diverted but then she turned sombre again 'Ron never hugs me in bed…' she whispered.
'What?!' Harry exclaimed perplexed 'Do you mean to say that he doesn't come close to you?!'
Hermione shook her head dejected.
'So, everybody stays on his own side of the bed and that's all?!' he asked again even more puzzled.
Hermione nodded even more dejected.
'Do you mean to say…' at that moment Ginny stamped his foot under the table with force. He stopped in his track getting the painful hint 'Ergh…. I'm sure it's ok… It's not a big deal…. It's very uncomfortable anyway to sleep hugging somebody… Arms start to go numb after a while and in summer it's unbearably hot…' he concluded.
'Thank you, Harry, for your effort' Hermione said trying to suppress a smile 'But I'd be glad to have my arms go numb time to time. Although, it's not going to happen. And I should accept him for how he is...'
An unsensitive cold-hearted git? Harry thought without saying it aloud.
At that moment they could hear Aunt Muriel's portrait mumbling with contempt 'Well, if my nephew wouldn't have married a muggle-born with bad posture and skinny ankles, as I advised him not to, maybe it would have been different...'.
Harry turned slowly to face the portrait and severely stated 'If I hear another word, just one, I'll move you to the attic to keep the ghoul's portrait of James company, made when he was four. We'll see if you'll like the company.'.
An instantaneous silence fell in the room. Much better.
Ginny broke it first saying straightforwardly 'You could always get a divorce.'
Harry was startled 'Blimey Ginny! Isn't it a bit of a bold step?!'
'Why is that?' she snapped 'Just because he is my brother shouldn't I acknowledge he is a git? (she said it, not me) He is behaving childishly and unfeelingly, and if I were Hermione, I would have done it a long time ago! There is a limit of what a person can bear! Maybe that would teach him a lesson! Maybe that would teach him to be satisfied of a job that gives him good money, a lovely smart wife and two lovely children'
'I don't know Ginny; it seems a bit extreme to me.' interjected Harry who, while agreeing with the git part, couldn't also agree to split up the family 'there must be another way!'
'Which would be what exactly? Hermione already tried everything, and she deserves somebody that appreciates her.'
'I know he appreciates me...' interrupted Hermione 'deep down' added somewhat hesitantly and trying to avoid Harry's gaze continued 'and I cannot pretend I never considered a divorce.' Harry widened his eyes in surprise but before he could speak, she continued 'but it is not a solution.'.
She spoke firmly and before Ginny could argue she continued 'Can you imagine how the kids would suffer? They are still so young! They wouldn't understand, they love Ron and he, despite all his faults, is a very attentive father.'.
That was true, he adored his kids and they adored him, he would spend hours and hours playing with them and he had a way to tell stories and adventures of their Hogwarts time that captivated their fancy.
'It would be cruel to separate them.'
'When Hugo will attend Hogwarts perhaps, you could just spend the summer together and live separately for the rest of the year...' Ginny suggested not very convinced herself.
'You know it couldn't work. Ron would never agree.'
Ginny didn't argue back, it was sadly true.
'He would battle me; he would drag the kids in ours fights. And then even supposing he would agree' added with renewed warmth 'how do you think he would cope by himself the rest of the year?'.
'He wouldn't cope' Harry said standing up to collect the cups used for their tea. He knew Ron. He would let himself go without anybody to take care of him.
'He could stay at George's place. They would cheer each other up.' Suggested Ginny pensively.
'Cheer each other up? Kill each other more likely!' laughed Hermione 'Or better say George would kick out Ron after a couple of weeks!' Harry and Ginny joined her laughing. She was probably right; he couldn't picture the two of them living under the same roof for more than half a day despite both being quite messy and carless in domestic affairs, and perhaps exactly for that reason.
'No, no, no. I must keep him and try to do the best I can. It's almost Christmas anyhow, Rose will be home shortly' concluded Hermione with a lighter tone. She rose from the chair. 'I must go now, I'm sorry to bother you so often with my problems.'
'You don't bother' said Ginny rising also and going to hug her 'it's always a pleasure to have you here and you know you are welcome anytime.'
'Yeah, I'll invite Ron to the next Chudley Cannon's training. That always cheers him up.' Harry embraced her too and they accompanied her to the door.
She walked a few steps in the cold and foggy London street, waived her hand to say goodbye and disapparate with a "crack" that made a cat close by jump in fright.
They returned to the living room sitting down on the sofa. It was very cosy with the fire roaring gently in the fireplace and Ginny nestled on Harry's side.
He felt a feeling of contentment in the quietness of the room, Ginny close to him. Her hair seemed flaming by the light of the fire, but her eyes were sombre. She hugged Harry around the waist.
'What's the matter?' he asked kissing her gently on the head.
'That prat of my brother! I cannot believe him!'
Harry sighed 'I will try to speak to him, but you know how difficult it is. He is very jumpy these days. I ran the risk to make the situation worse'.
'I know…' she lifted her head smiling 'Just be a friend to him, give him good advice in disguise'.
'I'll do my best my love' he answered kissing her.
Even if, he privately thought, there wasn't much he could say to change the situation.
Chapter 2 – Unwanted women and unwanted popularity
Harry and Ginny's relationship, on the other hand, was doing great. Harry felt his love for Ginny grew everyday instead of wither away like many other couples after almost eighteen years of marriage.
From the pretty teenager she was, she had grown to be a beautiful woman of thirty-four, the three children didn't weigh on her figure at all. She was slender and youthful in body and in looks and Harry was still crazy about her.
He had improved a lot too since being a teenager. When he was eighteen, he had been to St. Mungo's to try to solve his sight problem. He had the ambition to become an Auror and good eyesight was essential. After days and days of long and boring spell casting sessions, the healer had succeeded. It was amazing not to have to wear glasses any longer. This, only in itself, would have been a great improvement but just a few months before he had learned from Hermione something else, he was only half aware of.
On September they had assigned him a new secretary, a very young, silly girl.
She was overexcited by her new role in being Harry Potter's secretary (after Voldemort's defeat his popularity had rose to an astonishing level) and once introduced she had attacked him with a flow of words like 'You can call me by my first name! I'm Julia and I'm a huge fan of yours! It's so cool how you fought You-Know-Who. You have been so brave! I read everything of you I could lay my hands on and I'm so happy we will be working together! All my friends are dying with envy!'
What was HR thinking? With all the people they could have chosen they had to give me a groupie?
There was always a group of giggling girls following him anytime he stepped in any wizarding event, waiting for him in front of the Ministry in the morning, and sometimes even in the muggle world.
He called them privately his "groupies". All very young, just out of Hogwarts, they all looked quite alike from Harry's point of view; a lot of makeup, tight t-shirts, plunging neckline... They were usually not very annoying, contented to stare from afar and giggling. It was a minor bother considering all the other problems and vexations his popularity have been giving him. There wasn't a day in which his name wouldn't appear on newspapers or magazines. All the magical community was convinced his life was something for which they were allowed to have a primary concern. Where and when he went on holiday, what he ate, his hobbies… anything really. The more he tried to be in the shadow the more he was drawn out of it. In comparison, Rita Skeeter's behaviour toward him while at Hogwarts was positively delightful and charming. Now it was a living nightmare.
These girls, at least, were scarcely ever trying to talk to him. Mostly they would give him letters. He read them out of curiosity time to time despite he never replied to them. Some were downright silly and innocent, some others less so.
It was fascinating how he was idealised by all of them. Pages and pages with professions of love, admiration, offers of different nature… And all for a person that didn't exist, that was only in their mind. All in love with the idea of him, of what he represented. They didn't have the remotest clue of who he really was and neither they cared, he was sure of it. Why exchange a national hero with all the qualities that most pleased them, quite perfect under every respect with just a normal man with all his weaknesses, faults and worries? He wasn't flattered by those letters. Quite the opposite. He felt somehow diminished. He was just a name, an idea to them. Nothing else.
He had few relationships in the magical community that he could call genuine. Most of the people's interactions toward him were governed mostly by interests. Some wanted to be famous by reflection or seeing their name published on newspapers, some wanted him to use his influence to obtain privileges, some wanted to feel important.
Only a very few people would talk to him just for the pleasure of his company.
That's why he was so faithful to Ginny. She knew him in all his faults, many and great, and still loved him.
It was full of women trying to get his attention and flirting with him on any occasion, but he never felt tempted to have an affair with somebody else. Not because he didn't feel attracted to other women time to time but because there was too much to lose and too little to be gained.
For all these reasons, he wasn't overjoyed by this new secretary. His job was challenging and kept him under a lot of pressure, he needed to be surrounded by dedicated and focused people. He hoped she would turn out to be one of them, but somehow, he doubted it.
For a few days however everything seemed fine. She was doing her job punctually and accurately. He would have preferred a less provoking attire, but he didn't have much time or inclination to bestow on her anyway.
One evening he had to work late. Being just back from summer holidays, a big workload had accumulated and he hadn't managed to cope with it yet. It was already eleven o' clock and he had just decided to be done for the day.
While he was tidying up all the papers before leaving, Julia entered his office.
He was surprised by it, he thought he was alone at that late hour and thinking she had thought necessary to stay because he was still there, he explained to her that it wasn't necessary.
Although when he rose his eyes on her, he realized many things. One of them was that it wasn't for job zeal that she had stayed, another was that this was a somewhat dangerous and ambiguous situation.
He had a split-second realisation that he wasn't going to disentangle himself from this situation in time. With a swift move she had slipped outside her dress revealing a very well-formed body and before he was aware of it, she was all over him.
The blood raised to his head immediately stopping every kind of sensible thought.
'Nobody will ever know' A voice in his head whispered as weakness was overwhelming him.
He was very well aware of the softness of that body against his own, the smoothness of her skin, her hands unbuttoning his jeans.
Thankfully, at that moment, a family picture on his desk caught his eye, clearing his mind long enough to allow the more reasonable voice in him to shout loudly:
What the fuck are you doing?! You are married! Get away from this place immediately!
That was more like it.
He indeed remembered to have a wife that was waiting for him at home and she didn't deserve to be cheated on by him, with a silly girl with the only ambition in life of being shagged by Harry Potter.
He had to use all his will power and self-command to extricate himself and almost ran away from the room in his haste to leave her behind.
When he got home, he was still greatly agitated, thankfully Ginny was already asleep, and he didn't need to lie to her to justify it. He had a very cold shower that restored him to his sense immediately.
I must get rid of that girl.
The next morning while he was walking to the Ministry with Hermione (he didn't live far from it and it was a pleasant walk they often took together) he recounted her the whole thing.
Needless to say, she laughed herself silly.
Harry felt annoyed 'It's not nice to laugh at somebody's else misfortune'.
'Misfortune?' she said between laughter 'Some men would call it a gift from heaven!'
'Men that are not married and have three children!' he replied upset 'How could she even think to do something like that, out of the blue!'
'Out of the blue, Harry?' she answered drying away tears of laughter from her eyes.
'Yes, of course, out of the blue! I didn't get any hint of what was going to happen, I was totally unprepared.'
'Harry, you didn't get them, but she sent plenty. You are probably the only one that didn't realise.' she affirmed.
Harry was silenced, he racked his brain for anything that could prove Hermione's point, but it was blank 'When did she send hints?'
Hermione rolled her eyes 'Really Harry, you can be quite stupid at times! How could you possibly not notice! She was basically drooling after you anytime you passed by. Always trying to butt into your office for anything! And the dresses she was wearing… No, really! If those are not hints, I don't know what are… She was growing desperate to be noticed the poor girl' she added giggling.
'I noticed the dresses…' he just managed to say. In truth it was the only thing he had noticed but he had other concerns on his mind while at work than noticing these trifles.
Hermione took a long breath trying hard not to roll her eyes again 'Harry, it's almost unbelievable how little aware you are of your powers over women…'
'Actually, I know very well thank you! All this "Harry Potter mania" drives me crazy!' he said disgruntled.
Hermione shook her head 'No Harry, you see? You don't understand... That's only part of it… Probably the biggest part of it but not the only thing' she became more hesitant 'I don't know, you seem not to be aware that you are… Well…' she was fidgeting trying to find the right words.
'I am what?!' he pressed her at loss.
She answered looking straight in front of her, all in one breath 'You are handsome and, unfortunately, kind of sexy'
'Handsome and kind of sexy?' he repeated, vaguely pleased but also mildly embarrassed.
Obviously, Ginny told him continuously similar things and the groupies were very eloquent on the subject in their letters. But he thought it was normal, being Ginny his wife, to receive these kinds of compliments from her and, as for the groupies, he was sure that he could have looked like a grindylow and they would have written exactly the same thing. Therefore, he was surprised in hearing this from Hermione, a third objective party, not blinded by love or his popularity.
'Don't you look at yourself in the mirror?' she asked him, for some reason, in an aggressive tone.
'Of course, I do. I've always considered myself normal looking. Not ugly, not handsome. In the middle.'
She snorted 'Oh come off it! Just with those green piercing eyes you would have already been out of the ordinary but then they are combined with your remarkable height, dark hair and your body… Why does it have to be me telling you all of this?!'
'What about my body?' he asked even more embarrassed.
'You are so fit and everything...'
'But I have to, for my job. You never know when things may start to get dangerous. I need to be fit...' and as a second thought 'and Ginny seems to like it anyway...'. Ginny was actually short of obsessed with fitness. Her own more than his. She always affirmed that having borne three children, it couldn't be neglected on any account. She was always doing some physical activities of different kinds to keep herself fit and it was only right that he would do the same thing. If she had to get just him, he wanted to make sure she got the best in his power. And it paid off anyway.
'I have no trouble in believing it' Hermione continued blushing a little 'It takes me forever, all the times you pass by, to re-establish order between the women of my department! You inspire this kind of "protect me" thing for all you went through combined with this strong vigour and masculinity…'.
Harry was beyond embarrassment now 'You gave it some thought, hey?!'
Hermione blushed furiously 'I didn't give it any kind of thought whatsoever! I'm only repeating what I heard in the break room!'
Harry took her around the waist playfully and whispered in her hear 'If you want me, you just need to call when Ron is out and I'm all yours!'
She pushed him away angrily, her face a deep shade of magenta while Harry was roaring with laughter, 'No thank you! I wouldn't have you not even for free! You have a dreadful bad temper, you know?! Only Ginny can put up with you! And I prefer a man that is not so sought after, thank you very much! It must be a nightmare for that poor woman. I'm just telling you this, so you can be aware of it. You are so naïve sometimes.'
It was true. His naivety had given him problems in the past. There had been a time where he met a very clever and funny girl. They got on fairly well and Harry enjoyed talking to her. He wasn't attracted to her; he hadn't had any thought beside a friendship, and he believed, it was the same on her side. He couldn't detect any kind of flirtation or any interest hiding behind the chat. There had been a couple of times they got a coffee together and in one of these occasions a journalist had managed to get a picture of the two of them from an angle in which it seemed something more was happening than just a chat. And to worsen the situation this girl, for money or publicity, Harry didn't know, had declared many things that had never happened.
Two days later it was first page on Witch Weekly. It was awful. Ginny had refused point blank to believe him. She shouted and yelled, she cried, she ordered him out of the house. Harry shouted and yelled too, he tried to defend himself, he plead, and, in the end, he moved out. He went desperate to Hermione begging her to talk to Ginny, but for some days she refused to see reason. Harry felt hopeless. He was convinced everything was at an end and he was in anguish.
He then decided to throw away his dignity and try one last time. He went to find her; he opened his heart to her. He explained about his naivety, he swore not to have even touched that girl, he admitted that it happened often that women would flirt with him but that it didn't matter because from the moment they got together it had only been her, that he wished only for her and he was ready to beg on his knees to be taken back.
It had been kind of humiliating actually. He had to go to find her at work since she wasn't letting him in the house. And despite they were closed in a room alone, the team was in the one just beside them and from the sneer on their faces when he came out, he was sure they had eavesdropped.
It was worth though. She burst into tears apologising. She admitted that she felt very insecure because of all these women but deep down she had always known he wasn't guilty of it.
They had both learned a lesson from it. Ginny not to trust what magazines wrote about him and Harry to mistrust any female human being but Ginny and Hermione.
'It's good to know that there will always be a woman with whom I can feel at ease. That will never have me no matter what. It's a relief.' he had then replied, still laughing, to Hermione walking at his side.
'I need to get rid of the girl though.' he added more seriously.
That same day he visited the head of Human Resources and in an excruciating embarrassing conversation he asked for a replacement. Thankfully the head of that department was a guy, he guessed something, laughed on the sly and after a few very awkward days in which the whole department suspected something and in which he would be careful to leave the office with everybody else, he ended up with Elizabeth, a fifty something year old witch, a motherly kind of person, perfect.
End of story. That had been his worst experience of the kind so far.
Ginny never found out anything about it, but Harry had learned another lesson.
I have to mistrust, and always be on my guard, against any female human being but Ginny and Hermione.
What a drag.
Chapter 3 – Ron's restlessness
As promised, a few days later Harry invited Ron to watch a training that Ginny was supervising.
It was a lovely sunny day, chilly, being now the beginning of winter but nevertheless the rays of sun were tepid enough. They had apparated in the countryside. The whole area was protected by different spells, so they could not to be heard or seen by muggles. The spot they usually went to, was a bare space in the middle of the woods and the whole Chudley Cannon staff, Ginny included, oversaw the spell casting to ensure the safety of the area and the people meeting there.
Many wizard families used these places to gather, the anti muggle spells ensuring a moment of relaxation and overall a good chance for children, and whoever felt like it, to play quidditch alongside the training, quite freely, free of the usual worries.
As soon as they got there, Lily spotted a knot of kids laughing and zooming with their toy broom in a corner 'Can I go dad?' she asked imploringly. She had brought her small one; she was very proud of her "seeker skills" as she heard somebody mention she got them from Harry. She didn't miss a chance to show off when he was present.
'Go but be careful not to hurt yourself otherwise mum will blame it on me.'
'I never hurt myself.' she smiled cheekily and ran away fast.
Harry felt a wave of love and protection over her. He loved his boys very much, but Lily was his darling. He was proud of her beauty and ready wit, of her playfulness and bravery. She would always stand up when she thought an "injustice" was going on, regardless of the consequences.
She was born on the day before his birthday. Ginny went into labour in the afternoon while she was baking a cake for the next day. A few hours later, late into the night, the nurse gave him to hold this minuscule creature, bright pink with just a tuft of light and fluffy hair on her head. He had felt a dart piercing his heart when she finally opened her eyes and looked at him. He had been irremediably lost in love for that tiny little being. She was the most beautiful thing he had ever laid eyes upon.
He remembered thinking that never in his life had he got a better birthday present and probably never will again. It couldn't even be compared to when he, at eleven, had found out to be a wizard. He had always considered that one his best present, but Lily had swept it entirely away replacing it. Sometimes he would hug her and whisper in her hear playfully 'You are my birthday present. Only mine! And a present, once given, cannot be asked back!' she would always laugh merrily saying that they could be each other's birthday present.
He was in dismay at the thought that he should part with her when the time would come for Lily to attend Hogwarts. He had to learn to do without having that ray of sunshine around the house. Thankfully she was just six years old and he still had five years to spoil and cuddle her.
Ron had just apparated not far away, he waved at him. He hadn't change much over the years. Neither in body nor in character. With the only difference that all his faults had aggravated in the last few months. He had grown to be moody and easily crossed because of the dissatisfaction he was nurturing.
However, he was in a good mood that day. He loved to watch some quidditch as Harry knew quite well.
After a few casual words about the players and the ongoing season, Harry said abruptly 'Hermione came to visit us a few days ago.'
'I know, she told me… I imagine she started to complain about me as usual' he smiled bitterly 'It seems it's the only topic she is able to talk about nowadays'.
'She said you don't like your job.' Harry replied ignoring his answer ad trying to bring Ron to speak about what was bothering him.
'I hate it.'
'You don't.'
'I do! I'd like something different… something more adventurous.'
'Didn't you get enough adventure in your life? When is it enough?' asked Harry shaking his head and laughing.
'You did too, and more than me, but still you get an adventurous job!' he pointed out grimly leaning back on the bench where they were sitting.
'You always make things sounds better than what they really are. I assure you there is a lot of paperwork and boring stuff even in my job.'
'I dunno, it seems everybody is doing something interesting but me.' he said sourly.
In the meanwhile, the keeper made quite a spectacular saving, but Ron seemed to hardly notice. He was silent for a while and then asked, 'Don't you ever get bored with your life?' as he was staring blankly in the space in front of him.
'Not at all! I love my life!' Harry was very surprised by this question 'You don't though, do you?'
He again was silent for a second 'I was expecting something different I guess.' He said tentatively collecting a pebble from the ground and throwing it far off. 'After all we went through… I dunno.. I thought something greater was expecting us! There must be something better I can hope for!'
Harry didn't know what to say. For him it was so different. Just because of what they went through, he cherished what he had. It was great in his opinion. Just as it was.
He was very satisfied of his life. He doted on his children and loved his wife. He felt he needed the stability his family provided. He had everything he thought he could never have, and he felt lucky and thankful every day. It was odd this could be so satisfying and fulfilling for him while being at the same time so underrated and not appreciated by Ron.
Perhaps it was because Harry never had a family to love or even better still, that loved him. He never had any stability or a real place to call home. It was quite wonderful for him to achieve all this. For Ron, on the other hand, the entirety of it was natural and granted, he didn't prize it because it had always been there.
He didn't know how to impress in Ron's mind the importance and the luck in having all he had.
This thought clouded him and occupied by these reflections he failed to realise that the usual group of chattering girls was walking a few feet from them, they were staring at Harry giggling, sending him meaningful looks. As soon as Harry noticed it, he started to grow uneasy. Today they seemed inclined to approach them. He wanted to avoid that. Especially because of Ginny, who wasn't very far off.
'Shall we walk a bit?' he asked Ron standing up suddenly, hoping to discourage the group. Ron eyed the girls and understanding Harry's intention followed 'Blimey Harry! They were really pretty!' smirked after having walked a few feet.
'They are practically babies… They cannot be more than twenty..."
'Well, they seem women enough to me…' looking behind his shoulder at them 'I would give it a thought, if I were you…' but seeing the look on Harry's face he added hurryingly with a laugh 'just a thought mate!'
'Do I have to remind you that I'm married with your sister and you are married with my best friend?'
He laughed again but then in a more curious and conspirator tone he put an arm around Harry's neck whispering in earnest 'You can tell me, I promise I won't take it amiss, did you ever… you know...?'
'For heaven's sake, no!' he uttered surprised by the question 'And in any case, I would hardly tell you of all people! You are the only one of the five brothers Ginny has got, quite safe to tell you anything of the kind'
'I don't believe it! You had hundreds of chances! It isn't possible you never…'
'Why, did you?' he interrupted him sharply. Ron didn't look at him in the eyes but blushed slightly.
'I never even got the chance. Women don't gather around me like they do with you...' he said bitterly.
'Probably for the best by the sound of it...' he was starting to feel irritated 'and by the way, it is not, again, as good as you make it sound.'
'It seems good to me!' he smirked looking again at the disappointed girls left behind.
'Do you think it is good to be followed wherever you go, stopped every time you step outdoors, being bothered with silly conversations just for the sake of being seen with famous "Harry Potter"? I would give this away anytime, believe me.'
Again, the old story, Ron still envied him his popularity while Harry would get rid of it with pleasure. How could he fail to understand the weight, the bother! Everything he did, everything he said was under a spot of light. He couldn't go anywhere without being recognised, doing anything without being always bothered by thousands of vexing interruptions. He would pay any prize to be left alone. To be a nobody. And Ron kept talking of it like it was such a blessing and so exciting.
After almost twenty years his popularity was still great, even greater, he admitted with dismay. The stories were retold and embellished making him look like a world hero. He tried to protect his children from it. It wasn't easy. He didn't want them to think he was somewhat better or more special than other people and overall, he didn't want them to think that of themselves. People tended to spoil them whenever they knew whose children they were. That's why they would spend so much time in the muggle world rather than in the wizarding communities. There at least he could have a normal life. He had insisted for the kids to go to muggle primary school despite Ginny wasn't very much of the same mind. And they were living in London to better disappear in the crowd.
Although, despite all his efforts, they obviously couldn't fail to notice that he was treated differently whenever there was a wizard's gathering and they asked many times to be told of the past and about his scar, but Harry scarcely recounted them anything preferring to avoid questions and leaving explanations to Ron, who loved to narrate how he saved Harry and retrieved the Gryffindor's sword from the pond in the forest. Ron knew he could exaggerate as much as he liked about himself, but not about Harry.
The children were enjoying those stories very much, but they were receiving them softened and transposed like adventures out of a book.
The first one to realise all the implications and the magnitude and what they really meant, had been James. Harry remembered when he was eleven just back from his first Christmas holidays. After many years of mostly muggle interactions, he had been catapulted in a complete magical environment. At first, he had behaved differently towards Harry, he was more silent almost in awe. Probably trying to make coincide what he heard there with what he knew his father to be. After one or two days he was back to his normal self, but started to bombard him with questions, to which Harry didn't want to reply.
He didn't enjoy much speaking about the Voldemort bringing down. Not even to Ginny. He never approached the subject if he could avoid it. It hadn't been easy for him, after his defeat, to return to a normal life. He had needed a long time to quieten and to absorb that finally his mind was just his own, he didn't need to jump at any sudden movement or expecting to be ambushed at every corner.
He had had vivid nightmares for a long time with Voldemort returning to life challenging him again. He would threaten to kill in turn Ginny, or later the kids, and in the dream, he was always powerless, without his wand or injured.
He would always wake up covered in sweat with his heart feeling like it was about to jump out from his chest. When he started to share his bed with Ginny, he found out they weren't silent either. He would scream and shout without realising it. At first, she was really scared by it but then she became accustomed and tried to wake him up and soothe him afterwards.
Thankfully it didn't happen very often now. But he still preferred not to brood over the past concentrating on the present.
They stopped watching Lily playing with the other children. She got the tiny toy golden snitch they were using, she looked about and when spotting him, she weaved it into the air with a satisfied grin.
Good girl.
'I never really understood why Hermione fell in love with me instead of you…' Ron sighed bringing him back to their conversation.
'Well, you are not my cuppa, but you are not bad when in a good mood.' Harry joked to downplay the conversation, but he added more seriously 'You have something she loves that I don't apparently. And she would never had fallen in love with me just because I was "the boy who lived". Thankfully she is smarter than that! Try not to fight with her please, she is a wonderful woman, she deserves something better than gloom and complains.'
Ron didn't reply to this, his mind occupied by his own reflections.
They started getting back and Harry truly hoped Ron would find the strength to fight against the restlessness that was overpowering him.
Chapter 4 – The truth
Days were shorter, being close to the end of December. A fire was lit permanently in all the house's fireplaces and in the air there was that cheerfulness always present when Christmas is coming near, and children are around. They started that day preparing the house for the oncoming festivity.
A tall Christmas tree was standing in the living room's corner, close to the window, still bare waiting to be decorated.
'Let's do it with the Gryffindor colours so James and Albus will be pleased when they come home.' Lily exclaimed excited choosing red and gold baubles from the box containing the Christmas decoration.
'Would you like to be in Gryffindor too once you get to Hogwarts?'
Lily was putting up the decoration on the tree with care, with an air of great concentration which amused Harry.
'I don't know. I think I'd like to be in the same house as everybody else, but I like Ravenclaw too.'
'Really? Why?'
He had asked about Hogwarts's house without doubting the answer, therefore was really surprised.
'Susie told me that the founder of Ravenclaw is very pretty and she wears a crown which is called tiara. She is very clever too and she says that they have got a treasure.'
'A treasure?' Harry asked puzzled.
'She said that they have the greatest treasure!' she repeated quite assured mimicking something huge with her tiny arms.
Harry suddenly understood her meaning and laughed heartily.
'They say "wit beyond measure is man's greatest treasure." It means that cleverness is the best thing a man or woman can have. They don't really have a treasure.'
'But she has still got the tiara.'
'I guess so…' no point explaining that the tiara had been destroyed many years before.
'I'd like to be clever…' she continued, starting to wrap the tree with a tinsel, helped by Harry.
'You are clever. No matter the house you will be in.'
'I like the tiara too...' she affirmed making sure every spot was filled.
'Gryffindor has a sword!' Harry said warmly, he couldn't help to side for his house. 'Don't you like the sword?'
'I prefer the tiara.' she replied without hesitation.
'Well, I guess the hat will decide in the end' he concluded somewhat discouraged.
He took the star and made to put it on the top.
'Let me do it! Please!' Lily interjected imploringly. She loved to give the last touch to the tree and Harry liked to tease her pretending he was going to do it instead of her.
He lifted her and she fixed the star with glee.
Ginny came into the room with three mugs of hot chocolate and they sat on the sofa admiring their work.
'It's beautiful; you did a great job! The boys will love it'.
'Do you think so?' Lily asked brightening, excited.
'I'm sure of it'.
They drank their cocoa in silence, enjoying the warmth of the room and the sweetness of the drink.
After a few moments, Lily's head started to loll on her neck as she fell asleep. Harry saved the cup falling from her fingers just in time as Ginny said, 'Time to go to sleep!'
'I'm not tired' she protested her eyes half closed.
'Yes, you are! Come on! You brush your teeth, and you go to bed!'
'Go my pet, I'll come to kiss you good night later' Harry pushed her gently down the sofa to Ginny ready to take her upstairs.
Harry made a mental note to try to find the time the following day to go looking for a crown of some kind to add to her presents.
After a half an hour Ginny came back 'She is asleep.' she said going towards him but as she was sitting on the sofa somebody banged at the door.
It wasn't a gentle knock though. Somebody was banging quite violently at the door as if trying to bring it down. They froze in alarm.
Flashes of a different living room on a Halloween night flowed in Harry's head. He thought about his dad ambushed without protection in his own house, his mother murdered trying to protect him and terror crept over him.
'Get your wand!' he cried to Ginny while getting his own from the coffee table. He never kept it too far away from him out of habit, he would be able to fight at least. Ginny sprinted to get her own and he could read fear on her face too, but she halted suddenly as they heard somebody shouting, 'Open the door you son of a bitch!' coming from the outside.
They recognised the voice at once. 'Ron!' they exclaimed together looking at each other awestruck. Ginny made it to the door instead and once she opened it, Ron sprinted in the hallway with a half mad expression over his face 'Where is the traitorous bastard!'.
Without even looking at Ginny, he overtook her and made straight for the living room 'Who the hell are you talking about?' Ginny ran after him looking aghast.
When he got there and saw Harry he pointed his wand at him 'Cruc..', Ginny widening her eyes in surprise jumped forward to push his wand from his hand. But Harry was ready "PROTEGO!" he shouted, and a shield erupted in front of him between the two of them. The force of the spell made them fall against the wall with a thud. It took a second for Ron to jump up 'Coward! Fight me like a man! Take down this shield and fight me!'
He cast a spell after another against it, trying to bring it down. They were bouncing around the room making paints shatter and breaking the window. Ginny still on the floor curled up not be hit by the spells 'What's wrong with you?! Are you mad?!' Harry shouted keeping his shield on and trying to find a way to protect Ginny too. Green and red lights were flying everywhere and one just narrowly missed her still crouched on the floor.
'You know very well what's wrong! Think, Harry think! Is there anything you want to confess? Nothing at all weighs on your conscience? Nothing that you did behind my shoulders? Best mate!' he spat the last two words with a venomous expression, and stopped firing hexes to repeat 'My best mate!' he took his head in his hands, his face contorted with rage and kicked the closest piece of furniture shattering it.
Harry was quite bewildered; he had never, ever seen Ron in such a state! He looked mad, full of hate. He was all dishevelled with his coat unbuttoned over untidy clothes. He clearly left his place in a hurry.
'What's going on?' Ginny shouted trying to lower Ron's arm to no avail but hearing her shouting and remembering her presence, he turned to her and yelled in reply 'This piece of shit you married shagged Hermione! All the while pretending to be my best mate and declaring he was in love with you' Ginny's face became white as she looked at Harry.
Comprehension downed on Harry and he almost lowered his wand in surprise.
'My wife, you bastard!' he walked forward menacingly up to the shield.
'She wasn't your wife! … yet!' Harry retorted in confusion; it was impossible! How could he know?
'It is true then…' the bewildered expression on Ginny's face was starting to mutate in a wounded one.
'No Ginny, it's not as it seems, I promise you...' He was desperate to try to make her understand, it wasn't as Ron pictured it.
He had to explain, but Ron didn't allow him to continue 'It's exactly as it seems! You disgust me! How could you tell me what you did after the horcrux! You're such a liar! And I always trusted you like the idiot I am.'
He was just an inch from the shield with a murderous glare that made Harry shudder thinking what could have happened if the protection wasn't there.
'Now, listen to me carefully' now he was talking low and steady 'You are not going to get close to my family again! I don't want to hear you or see you around my family. And that includes my mum, dad and all my brothers. You are going to disappear from my life. Damn the day I sat in the same compartment as you! You ruined my life!' He shouted again slamming a hand on the shield, 'She was the only thing…' he seemed on the verge of tears now and the sentence was swallowed by a gulp.
He backed away without breaking eye contact. He got to the door where Ginny was still standing transfixed 'A word of advice, Ginny; take the children, dump the bastard and go to the Burrow. It is what he deserves'.
He almost ran out of the house banging the door behind him and they could hear a "crack" when he disapparated.
Silence fell on the room like a veil, covering everything. Snow was falling through the shattered window; the room was a mess of broken glass and furniture. They were paralyzed, too shocked by what happened to move. Finally, Harry lowered his wand and the shield disappeared with a mute sound. He looked at Ginny, she had a cut on her cheek and the red of the blood stood out vividly against the whiteness of her skin. She didn't move, overwhelmed. Then, she let herself slowly slide on the carpet, shaking violently.
He longed to go to her, but he didn't know if his gesture would have been welcomed after what happened.
She looked at him, her eyes wide-open. As she opened her mouth to speak, they heard from upstairs Lily calling her with a voice full of tears. Of course, she had been awakened by the noise and she was in bed terrified.
She tried to speak and chocked over her own words, she put a hand to her throat and she tried again 'I'll go to her, when I get back, we'll talk'.
Harry was still standing with the wand clutched in his hand almost as if he was expecting Ron to return, his emotions in turmoil. He took a deep breath to calm himself down and almost mechanically mended the window and tried to tidy up the room, but he managed clumsily, his mind was too occupied to be able to cast effective spells.
Thought after thought piled in his head without order or sense. He tried again to calm himself, to reason on the words Ron had said but it was to no avail, it was just confusion.
He remembered the parting advice Ron gave Ginny.
Harry felt sick at heart at the thought and a new desperation washed over him. Was he going to lose everything he loved just for a silly mistake?
His head started to spin with doubts and questions. He walked to the kitchen and leaned against the wall.
He feared Ginny's return.
He was paralyzed, incapable of doing anything, powerless under the weight of what could happen.
Ron's words were pounding in his ears. What would Ron do now? He almost used an unforgivable curse on him. And the look in his eyes told him that something was irremediably lost.
He tried to calm himself thinking about what to say.
The truth.
The words appeared in his head over the confusion. He had to tell her the simple truth.
And his mind travelled to nineteen years before.
Chapter 5 – Nineteen years before
'Leave the horcrux' Harry said.
Ron wrenched the chain from over his head and cast the locket into a nearby chair. He turned to Hermione.
'What are you doing?'
'What do you mean?'
'Are you staying, or what?'
'I..' She looked anguished. 'Yes- yes, I'm staying. Ron, we said we'd go with Harry, we said we'd help –'
'I get it. You choose him.'
'Ron, no -please – come back, come back'
She was impelled by her own shield charm; by the time she had removed it, he had already stormed into the night. Harry stood quite still and silent, listening to her sobbing and calling Ron's name amongst the trees.
After a few minutes she returned, her sopping hair plastered to her face.
'He's g-g-gone! Disapparated!'
She threw herself into a chair, curled up and started to cry.
Harry felt dazed. He stooped, picked up the Horcrux and placed it around his own neck. He dragged blankets off Ron's bunk and threw them on Hermione. Then he climbed on to his own bed and stared out at the dark canvas roof, listening to the pounding of the rain.
Anger against Ron blinded and deafened him to everything except for the rain falling. But as it mounted up, by degrees, it subsided, leaving a void, and an immense sadness filled that hole.
He realised Hermione had crawled into the bed under his own, she was still sobbing. She had turned down the light and darkness swallowed the tent completely.
He couldn't say how long had passed but she still couldn't sleep choked by her own tears. Harry reflected guiltily on how he had dragged her in this hopeless research, how difficult it must have been to send her family away and disappear from their life.
And now Ron.
He couldn't pretend anymore to be unaware of the feeling they had for each other and an intense pity for Hermione overwhelmed him.
He descended the bunk bed and kneeled beside her bed. It was pitch black in a night without moon, he couldn't see a thing. Following the sound of her sobs, he caressed her hair gently 'Hermione… I'm sorry…' he didn't know what to say to make her feel better, it was difficult to convey all that he meant, he had never been good with words.
Trying to stifle her crying, she took his hand; she didn't speak but he understood she wanted to reassure him.
He climbed on the bed and embraced her tenderly. She buried her head in his chest breaking down again. He kept caressing her thinking about the miserableness of their situation and an enveloping sense of forlorn took possession of him.
They stood there for a while, awake, just listening to the pounding of the rain. The only sound that could be heard in that disheartening night.
Slowly her sobs died away but she didn't relinquish Harry, they both needed that simple human contact.
It was a heart-warming sensation to have somebody to hug. Two warm bodies encountering, struggling to ward off the frost of the weather coming from the outside and a similar frost coming from the inside.
Harry brought his mind back to the last time he had had a comparable interaction. It had been with Ginny during his birthday, in her room.
He was reminded of that passionate kiss she gave him on that occasion and something in him started to change, to worsen. The sadness transformed in desperation, in an acute longing for something more, for something that could wipe out the misery of the reality they were in, for something that, for a while, would make him forget everything awful was happening in his life.
He hugged Hermione more tightly and kissed her head wishing to suppress all those emotions, to blend in her warm body to be protected from that dreadful coldness he felt inside.
Moving his hand, he brushed her skin and the softness of it brought the memory of Ginny even stronger in his mind, all that could have happened if his life would have been different.
And that thought, that memory, quite suddenly, acted like a switch that is turned on. And Hermione wasn't Hermione anymore.
She was something that could save him from that abyss of loneliness and desperation. He wanted to feel her body more. He wanted to drown every dark feeling in her.
He slid his hands onto her waist under her night shirt wanting to touch that smoothness again. She stiffened immediately and, after a faltering moment, she tried to push him away. Resisting, he let his hands rise on her torso and started to kiss her neck avidly. He felt her relenting, giving in to that urge of closeness that was now driving them both. With his face he brushed her cheek and felt it wet from the tears she had shed and while she hugged him more tightly, arching her body under his hands, new tears fell. He didn't register them, however. At that moment he could just feel her womanly body adhering to his own and that made the little control he still had over himself disappear.
He started to undress and to undress her frantically. Their bodies responded immediately as he slid on the top of her and, in a moment, it was bliss as he never experienced before. Everything, but those new feelings, was shut out.
His mind went to Ginny, and he was with her at that moment. He tried to control himself not to speak her name, but he wasn't sure he managed.
Hermione, under him, moaned and he hoped with all his might she wouldn't speak not to bring him back to the awful reality of what they were doing.
In a corner of his head a voice was thumping with violence trying to be heard, but the intensity of the sensations he was experiencing didn't leave space for anything else. He was deaf to his consciousness reproaching him loudly for this backstabbing act.
The height of pleasure was coming closer and closer. He tried to hold on as long as he could, guessing how quickly he would be back to his senses after that.
And he guessed right, it happened soon enough.
A moment before was the culmination of ecstasy, engulfing his mind and body in a spasm of pure rapture, and the next moment, it was all gone. Not a trace of it was left.
He let himself fall on the side of the one that was, clearly and painfully, Hermione and not Ginny.
He was aware again of what was surrounding him; the cold of the room on his sweaty body, the rain hitting the tent, Hermione slightly panting beside him. He got back to everything, the hopelessness, the misery, the loneliness. And on the top of that a new bad feeling was slowly creeping over him, guilt.
He wasn't willing to let it happen though; he didn't want to be crushed by the weight of a condemnation. He already had so much to bear. Just for one night he wanted to be free of it. Free of everything oppressing. He wanted to keep going with the pretence of being close to Ginny, happy and carefree. In a real cosy house, not in a tent, free of any danger, not with the threat of Voldemort and with a clean conscience, not having to rebuke himself. He had made love with Ginny and Hermione was going to be Ron's as it should have been.
He could do it; he knew he could. This was different from emptying his mind, something he had always difficulty in accomplishing, this was creating a different reality.
He canalised all his effort in it and he succeeded. After few moments, exhausted by the events of the day, he fell in a deep sleep.
When he woke the following day, it was several seconds before he remembered what had happened. Then he hoped, childishly, that it had been a dream, that Ron was still there and had never left.
Yet, then, regaining full awareness, remembered everything had passed after Ron left as well, and he couldn't kid himself with the thought that it had been a dream. He was naked in a bed that wasn't his own, traces of the previous night were all around him. A curse raised on his mouth fully remembering every detail.
What in the name of hell did I do?
He could hear Hermione in the kitchen and swiftly retrieved his clothes from the floor and got dressed. He went to the bathroom to ponder over the gravity of the situation and to compose himself, the first task easy to accomplish, the second almost impossible.
He took a hot shower that helped him to calm down slightly, but he still had no idea how to confront Hermione. She was there, outside the door and the awkwardness was going to be extreme.
Strangely he was reminded of how difficult it had seemed to be, in his fourth year, to ask a girl for the yule ball and how he had thought that facing the dragon had been easier. Now, he acknowledged, he would have preferred to face all the four dragons together instead of what was waiting for him outside the bathroom.
However, he couldn't stay locked in there forever, no matter how ardently he wished to do it, he had to face what was outside, unfortunately not four vicious dragons but just Hermione. He took a deep breath, all the courage he could collect, and opened the door.
She did not wish Harry good morning but turned away quickly as he approached her. They ate breakfast in silence. Hermione's eyes were puffy and red; she looked as if she had not slept.
He understood she would pretend nothing ever happened and it was fine by him. Nothing better could be hoped for.
By the end of the morning everything was packed, and nothing remained to testify the events of the night.
They behaved as normally, as the departure of Ron would allow for the whole day and by the evening, their pretence had been so well performed, that it was really as if nothing had ever passed between the two. The whole of it could easily be forgotten and filed away as an unhappy mistake not to be repeated.
Although, when the light went off and darkness enveloped the tent so similarly to the previous night, everything changed again for Harry.
He never felt so awake in his life. He was also very aware of Hermione out of the tent, keeping guard, just a few feet from him. A flash of the previous night popped into his head very vividly, too vividly considering that he had already forgotten about it.
He forced himself to change topic and obviously Ginny took that place, filling his mind with a strength that destabilised him. She was there so poignantly, her smell, the softness of her lips kissing him. It was a torture. He punched the pillow to vent out the frustration, turning stomach down.
He wasn't doing a good job. He needed to change his train of thought.
He imposed himself to think about Voldemort, the seriousness of the task he had to perform, the danger, the horcrux still to be found, so many perils surrounding them…
Funnily enough, all that struck him was that the night before he had rekindled the memory of Ginny to banish Voldemort from his head. Now he was reviving Voldemort to banish Ginny. Harry smiled realising it.
He was sure he could master himself though. He had to be determinate and just try to sleep.
It took more than half an hour of turning in bed obsessively to realise that it was impossible. There were things that couldn't be mastered so easily. He sighed. A long sleepless and restless night was waiting for him.
He then heard a sound; Hermione was back in the tent.
To get a glass of water surely.
But no, she was climbing onto his bed.
Thank god!
The night was not going to be as he had envisaged after all. And thinking that, he heaved a breath of relief and pulled her toward him.
Chapter 6 – Did you kiss her?
He was still leaning against the kitchen's wall when he heard Ginny coming down the stairs, pausing in the half demolished living room looking for him. She entered the kitchen and found him there. She didn't speak, she went to the sink to wet a handkerchief for the cut on her face. She then took out the kettle to prepare some tea. She seemed more composed, and Harry couldn't guess in the least what was going on in her head.
When the tea was ready, she put two cups on the table 'Sit' she pointed at the chair opposite her.
He exerted himself with difficulty, he felt like wanting to stay there, against the wall, forever. To keep away the dreaded moment.
'I need an explanation. Is it true what Ron said?'
He tried to answer, and his voice failed him, so he just nodded looking into her golden eyes.
She sighed disheartened. That sigh unblocked him, and he blorted out 'It is not as you think though. I don't love her! I mean I love her but just like a sister, nothing more!'
She snorted 'Funnily enough I don't sleep with Ron, and I love him like a brother.'
'Fair point.' said Aunt Muriel's portrait severely.
'Shut your mouth, nobody asked you anything!' Harry retorted.
'Scoundrel…' the portrait added in whisper and Harry thought that the next day, no matter what, that painting was going straight to the attic.
'Ok, I'm sorry I didn't start right' he cleared his throat 'it's not that I wanted to have sex with her being her, she was just there.'
'What's that supposed to mean?' she was getting angry; he was doing a very poor job trying to defend himself.
'Ok, wait, don't get upset I said the wrong thing again. I just… It's very difficult'
She coloured and crossed her arm 'I don't know. Have you ever thought it could be even more difficult for me? Ron came here demolished the whole living room trying, for what we know, to kill you or at least hurt you very badly, he threw big accusations over you and advised me to ditch you because you deserve it. I try to convince myself that you don't, and that I'll hear you out at least, and all that you manage to say is that you love her like a sister but definitely shagged her and you didn't want to have sex with her but unfortunately, she was passing by? What the hell are you saying?' her temper raised very quickly. She kept her voice low not to wake Lily again but there was accusation in every syllable 'When did that happened? Why? What does it even mean what you just said!'
Harry leaned on the back of the chair rubbing his face 'You are right. You deserve a better explanation. I'll tell you the whole story, but you have to realise, it's difficult to explain what happened. We were seventeen. I never told you about when me, Hermione and Ron were in search for a way to kill Voldemort. I try to forget about it myself. It was the worst year of my life full of painful moments. But I'll try to explain it to you'. He took a big breath and continued 'It was horrible, we were in hiding, no contact with the world of any kind, we were alone, in danger. We didn't know how any of you were, if you were safe or not. We had no way to communicate with anybody. We had no clue to follow and almost nothing to eat. We were cold. We were hopeless. Moving from place to place. I felt guilty for what I was imposing on them, I didn't know what to do next. Then we started to argue, and Ron left. Hermione was distraught and it was like something broke. It was just me and her, I wanted to comfort her, I felt bad, and I hugged her, and I thought of you, and I don't know how it happened exactly, but it happened. I guess both of us felt so desperately lonely and longing for a bit of affection. We were out of our minds.'
He looked at her and saw a deep sadness in her eyes 'It happened just that once then.'
It was an affirmation and Harry could have left it at that. He was aware the truth would hurt her deeper, but he promised to be honest, and he would 'No, it happened almost every night up to Ron's return. I'm sorry Ginny. If I could go back, I would cancel it without hesitation.' He tried to take her hand, but she was cold and unrelenting, she didn't take it in her own, she didn't move, she just looked at him with a sorrowful expression.
He withdrew his hand and became anxious to make her see his point 'Ginny, try to understand! We didn't know if we would have survived. We could have died any moment. I didn't know if I would ever see you again! It was just a way, a bad one I own you, to feel less lonely! We never even kissed or exchanged any kind of tenderness. During the day we were behaving normally it was just with darkness, when we couldn't see each other, when we could pretend. I can promise you without lying that every single time it was always you! Never her! I pretended every single time that I was making love with you, I probably even called her with your name a couple of times for what I know. And I'm one hundred percent sure she did the same thing with me; I was never Harry; I was always Ron for her.' He halted speaking. Now there was nothing else he could add. Everything was said.
She was holding her cup with both hands, staring at it. Her shoulder quivered slightly with repressed sobs. She took a hand to her mouth and a single tear slid on her cheek dropping in the tea now cold and untouched.
'Oh Harry… why did you never tell me?' she just succeeded in uttering, and Harry understood in that short sentence that everything was lost, she wouldn't forgive him.
'It was meaningless to me. It just happened!' he said sharply clenching his fist on the table.
'I'm not talking about Hermione's thing, I'm talking about all the rest, the loneliness, the desperation… You never told me what happened that year. It sounds so horrible'.
Instantly, alleviated, he realised she wasn't crying because he slept with Hermione but for the experience he had to endure.
His heart felt lighter, and he almost laughed out of relief 'Well they are not exactly happy memories, are they? I didn't want to sadden you.'
'But you could have shared it with me, it could have helped you'
'No, it wouldn't. Speaking about it wouldn't have helped me, it would have just made you miserable. It's past. It doesn't matter now.' He replied hastily, hardening.
'I keep forgetting how tough your youth has been.'
'Let's forget about it together then, shall we?' he said managing a half smile.
She sniffed and Harry took her hand in his own again and kissed it. 'Do I gather you forgive me?'
'Oh Harry, don't be stupid! There is nothing to forgive, I cannot pretend it didn't surprise me, but we were not together, as you said. You didn't even know if we would have seen each other again. You just reacted as a seventeen-year-old boy and girl would react in a situation of that kind. It's only sad, nothing more. But Ron…. Well… It's a different matter.'
The sounds of Ron's name brought back the uneasiness.
She was about to take a sip at her tea when she realised how cold it was. She then stood, took the kettle and poured some more hot and steamy water in it. She did the same for Harry. He hadn't touched his own either.
'This is worse than anything. Do you realise…' as she was speaking, they heard a noise coming from the kitchen door and Lily was there white and scared in her pink pyjama. She was standing on the threshold, her eyes fixed on them.
'I came to see how dad was.' she whispered looking at Ginny, pleading not be told off to be out of bed.
'It's all right, come here.' Harry took her on his knee and hugged her. It was balm on his troubled mind to have her in his arms. He felt suddenly very tired and longing for some sleep.
'Why was Uncle Ron so upset? What did you do to Aunt Hermione?'
He stiffened in surprise 'Why do you think I did something to her?'
'I heard uncle calling you the "B" word many times and he said you did something to her, but I didn't understand what. He was really angry'
His mind froze with panic for a moment and then relaxed.
Thank heavens and all its angels for the slang.
Explaining this would be difficult, he saw a glint of laugh on Ginny's face, surely curious to see how he was going to unravel himself.
He started slowly 'I didn't do anything to Aunt Hermione. He thought I did something not very nice with her behind his back.'
'What?' she enquired pointing her golden eyes, exactly the same shade as Ginny's, on his.
He hesitated 'Ergh…'
'Did you kiss her?'
'Hold on, what?' he looked at her startled.
'Susie told me that if when people are married one kisses another person the other one will get very angry and they'll split up. Did you do it?'
He didn't like this Susie at all.
'No, I didn't' he answered, and he could say this at least without lying.
'You promise?'
'I promise.'
'So then what did you do?' she looked at him expectantly and he was at loss of what to say.
Why children have to be so inquisitive?
'He didn't do anything Lily, don't worry about it. Uncle Ron just misunderstood.' Ginny petted her hair deciding to save Harry from that tangle.
'Maybe he thought dad did it. You have to explain it to him so you can make peace and we can spend Christmas together. I want to show Hugo the tree.'
Just a miracle could make that happen, but he didn't own it to her.
'I will try Lily, but it is not that easy. Come my pet, I will take you to bed. It's definitely too late in the night to be up and about. Good girls like yourself are usually sleeping at this hour.' he said affectionately instead, taking her upstairs.
He folded the blankets around her with a strong feeling of tenderness toward that small little being that was ready to believe he was always right and great.
'Will you stay here until I fall asleep?' she asked with a plead in her voice.
He kissed her forehead and keeping her small hand in his own, sat beside the bed looking at the glow-in the dark stars he got from a muggle shop and attached on the ceiling to please her.
'Dad?' He could sense a trace of anxiety behind the whisper.
'Yes, my pet?'
'Uncle Ron said that mum had to get us and go to the Burrow and leave you here alone. And that you deserved it. But I don't think you do, and I don't want to go. I want to stay here with you'.
He sighed thinking how close he had felt half an hour before to see that happen.
'It won't happen. We will stay here together.' he squeezed her hand gently to convey assurance. Leaning his head on the bed, exhausted by the incidents of the evening, and listening to her breathing getting deeper and deeper he slumbered himself in a profound sleep.
Chapter 7 – The Horcrux
He woke up with a startle; Ginny was shaking him gently 'Harry, we still need to talk.'
'Can we do it tomorrow?' he felt tired and dazed, for sure not up to have any difficult conversation about Ron.
'No, we must do it now! While Lily is asleep, and you have to change.'
'What? Why?' he felt extremely confused, but he stood up and followed her out of the room.
Once the door had been closed behind them she explained 'You have to go to check on Hermione. I believe Hugo is at the Burrow tonight, but we cannot be sure. And judging by our dilapidated living room I don't want to imagine the state in which you will find her'.
Apprehension passed in Harry's eyes.
'I don't think he hurt her but for sure he hasn't been gentle either.' Ginny added seeing his expression.
Following her advice, he changed in his clothes in a hurry and made to go, concern commanding him to hasten.
Although, following an impulse, he halted at the door, took Ginny around the waist and kissed her. He stared into her eyes to convey all that he felt 'You are an angel, and I don't deserve you.'
She laughed caressing him 'I'm no such thing and it is the other way around. Now go!' she untangled from his grip and opened the door.
He went out in the icy night and focusing on Hermione and Ron's suburb he took the step to disapparate.
He made sure to appear in the cemetery behind the church where he knew it would be dark and no muggle could spot him. He walked briskly on the main street, which was very quiet, just two cats about, rummaging in a nearby rubbish bin. His breath formed a small cloud in front of his face; the cold was biting. He shoved his hands in his pockets to try to keep them warm.
Hermione and Ron lived in a modern house with a garden in front. Harry was always reminded of number 4, privet drive when going there, all the houses in the street looked quite the same, all with a perfect kept garden. Hermione made miracles to make it look like a normal muggle house. Just, going around the building, in the back garden, one could see it couldn't possibly be what it seemed like. In the whole atmosphere there was a palpable feel of magic. It was very wild, with kids' brooms and magical toys lying around. Few garden gnomes were running freely. Hermione had taken them there for the fun of Crookshank. Now that the cat was no more, they proliferated very well.
He stopped on the front door undecided on what to do.
What if Ron was in there? For sure he wouldn't take it well.
He walked up and down unsure. All the lights were out, If Ron was back at home enraged against him, he wouldn't just go to bed, he supposed. Probably he wasn't there.
He dared a knock at the door. Nobody answered. He tried again with more conviction. Nothing.
He decided to get inside anyway wanting to make sure Hermione was fine. He walked to the back door, took the wand out and whispered a spell to open it. Hermione and Ron told him how to do it in case of emergency, and this was definitely an emergency.
Everything was dark inside the kitchen. The moonlight was projected on the furniture creating long shadows, but everything seemed tidy and as he was used to see it.
He moved very quietly trying to avoid any noise, passed the kitchen door and coming from the lounge he heard a sob.
Hermione was sitting in a corner, in the shadow, all curled up, immobile. A glimmer of light coming from a window was upon her fingers, interlocked, her arms around her knees, her forehead leaned on them. Harry stared at her for a moment. He was relieved in finding her unharmed, but he was also reminded of the night Ron left them nineteen years before. It was the same position, the same distress. He pronounced her name. She jumped in fright emitting a high pitch shrill and then recognising Harry, she pressed her hand on her chest panting 'Blimey Harry! Did you want to give me a heart attack, or what?'
'I'm sorry, I knocked at the door, but nobody answered, and I thought I would come quietly in case…'.
Her face was all blotched and swollen, the pallid light was reflecting in her wet eyes and he could read all the emotions she had endured that evening '…in case Ron was here. I gather he came to visit you.'
She sniffed. She must have been crying for hours.
'Is Hugo here?'
She shook her head 'Thankfully not. I guessed he would come to you. He was in such a rage! I've never seen him like that! He looked demented! I feared him and what he could do...' she looked at him enquiringly, but he didn't feel like explaining yet, he had a more pressing question to ask her.
'Why the hell did you tell him? Why, after almost twenty years, did you tell him?! What was the need?'
She looked aghast at his reproach 'It's not exactly I told him! I'm sorry Harry but to be honest I'm very surprised he didn't find out before! When we got together I thought everything was going to come out and I was prepared to lie in case that would happen, even if , to be truly honest, I didn't exactly know what I would have said but it didn't! And after so many years I was sure it wouldn't happen anymore. When he asked me tonight, he took me by surprise! I wasn't prepared, and he understood straight away it was you by my hesitation. I tried to explain to him, but he wouldn't listen! He yelled horrible things at me and he just stormed out before I could stop him'.
Harry was at loss 'But why did you think he would find out?'
She looked at him impatiently 'Harry don't be such a simpleton! It was the first time for both of us! It doesn't leave trace on men, but it does on women most unfortunately!' she exclaimed bitterly. Comprehension doomed on him, strangely, he never really thought about that. To be honest he had never even thought about it again. After Ron returned that night nineteen years before, everything started to happen with a pressing pace up to the duel with Voldemort. And when he succeeded in beating him all kinds of different events started to happen. He was finally starting to live his life without the threat of death. It just never paused to reflect on it.
But then a doubt appeared in his mind.
'How come did he realise it now then?' Harry asked sitting beside her.
She frowned and relaxed in a more comfortable position 'I have no idea, beside that today he spent the day with Lee. You know how he boasts about his love life. Maybe he told him something that made him realise it wasn't the first with me…'.
They were silent for a couple of minutes. They never really acknowledged those nights to each other. The wish to pretend it never happened was so strong they tacitly agreed not to mention it. Harry thought being open would have been awkward, but he realised with relief that it wasn't. Ginny was right, it happened a long time ago in a difficult moment of their life, but it actually never affected their friendship afterward.
However, he felt the need to apologise; an apology long overdue 'I'm sorry Hermione.'
'What for?' she asked puzzled.
'For that night. I'm sure you never would have done it, I behaved shamefully.'
Hermione smiled 'You are sweet, but it is not as you raped me or anything. I was there. I've done it too. I was perfectly aware of what I was doing …I just felt so…' he completed her sentence 'lonely'. She nodded.
'It was lucky you never got pregnant or anything…'
She stared at him 'Lucky?'
'Well, yes...'
She rolled her eyes 'Harry your ingenuity is disarming… It wasn't luck, I knew how not to let it happen'
This was unexpected 'You mean a spell?'
'Of course I mean a spell! Somebody had to think of it and since you didn't seem to bother...'
'But... How could you possibly know?'
Harry thought about the Hogwarts's library, for sure she couldn't have learned it from there.
She rolled her eyes again even more 'Harry I spent six year in the same dormitory with other four girls and even if in the male one it sounds like you probably just spoke about quidditch, it wasn't the same in ours. And believe me when I say they weren't as saint as me'.
He startled 'Bloody hell! Who was Parvati having sex with?'
She slapped him on the shoulder scowling 'We are not here to speak about Parvati's love life!' but then she relented laughing a little 'Well, actually since it was such a long time ago and we don't see her anymore…' she approached him with an air of complicity and giggling told him a story about a muggle boy she had met over the summer and all that happened. Harry laughed amused at this twenty-year-old gossip, and they kept sniggering for a while over Parvati's teenage lover and it was almost like being back in the Gryffindor common room, in front of the roaring fire, for a moment.
But, unfortunately, they weren't teenagers anymore, they weren't in the Gryffindor's common room but in Hermione's place and Ron had just tried to use a Cruciatus Curse on Harry. The silence that followed the momentary merriment, swept away the remaining laughter, bringing them back to the unhappy reality of the situation. And the guilt of what they had done weighted on their shoulders heavier than ever.
'I should probably go. Ginny is waiting and she must be very worried by now' Harry said looking at his watch.
Hermione's eyes widened with concern 'How...?' she started to say.
'She is all right. She understands and doesn't blame us. Although, I can tell you, it hasn't been a fun Saturday night'
Harry filled her in about what had passed and while he was explaining a look of incredulity dawn on her face 'An unforgivable curse?' she exclaimed aghast 'Where do you think he is now?'
'At the Burrow? I have no clue. We will find out, but I don't think we can do much now.' It was already past midnight 'Look Hermione I must go; it's late but I'm not letting you here. You come with me; you can sleep in James' room'.
He stood up in a hurry now. It wouldn't have looked at all well in Ron's eyes to find him there with Hermione. And leave her there alone was out of the question. He didn't think he could trust Ron if he decided to return home.
She didn't need to be persuaded. Probably she felt the same way. She packed the few things she needed and they swiftly left the house.
Ginny was waiting for them and Harry could see relief on her face as she opened the door seeing them safe and sound. Hermione, on the other side, was hesitating. She stopped on the threshold unsure about Ginny's possible reaction. Harry felt suddenly very awkward, his glance shifting from one to the other, and would have loved to melt away in the wall behind him. However, Ginny didn't even allow her to speak, she hugged her, and pulled her gently inside 'You are going to catch cold, come into the kitchen'.
Hermione under the hug widened her eyes, surprised by the affectionate reception, Harry could see she was trying to repress tears and, as if that hug was directed to him, felt again at ease and grateful in having such a strong wonderful woman beside him.
Hermione followed Ginny meekly, and they sat around the table but once there they found themselves at loss for words.
Hermione broke the uneasy silence first 'What do we do?'
'I don't know' Ginny said 'But this is not going to be easy. At all.' She paused to think 'He called you a liar. He said something about a horcro-something. What does it mean? What did you tell him?' she asked turning to Harry. He looked enquiringly at Hermione who nodded slightly.
They never told anybody about the horcrux agreeing that the fewer people knew about it the better, yet, now, they had no choice but to explain. Harry told her briefly what they were, and she took a horrified look 'So that's why You-Know-Who managed to return after he tried to kill you as a baby...'
'Yes' he admitted 'and trying to kill me made me an involuntary horcrux. That's why I could see Nagini attacking your father. I wasn't possessed, I just had a piece of Voldemort's soul inside me and I could see through his eyes when he was killing and torturing people and…..stuff…' he didn't elaborate further seeing the bewildered look on Ginny's face 'You never told me any of this... Why?'
He became impatient 'It doesn't matter now! It's Ron we are talking about and there is something else.' He addressed Hermione 'Even you don't know about this. When I opened the locket, it didn't just scream as we told you then.' And he explained to them the truth of what happened, of Voldemort's voice speaking Ron's fears and insecurities and about the two figures of him and Hermione appearing from the locket kissing and her words saying that she loved Harry and didn't care about him.
'It was a very painful moment to him.' He concluded.
Hermione had eyes as big as two saucers 'This is what really happened?'
He nodded 'Obviously I couldn't tell you without betraying him and after he smashed it I told him that you cried for days after he left and that I loved you as a sister and nothing more and it was the same thing for you. Which was true!'
She was speechless.
'This makes everything ten thousand time worst' Ginny said as a matter of fact 'That's what he wanted to say when he left.'
Harry expression turned puzzled.
'Didn't you hear it?' Ginny asked rising her eyebrows in surprise.
He snapped 'I don't know if you notice but I was very occupied trying to keep up a Protego charm, not to be killed and at the same time worried about what you were thinking about me'
'He said something like "she was the only thing". Harry I'm sure that he meant to say that she was the only thing she won over you.'
Silence fell again. Hermione was swimming in tears by then.
'Probably all his old insecurities returned in an even greater form finding that out.' Ginny added pensively rubbing her face passing Hermione a handkerchief that was received gratefully.
She looked tired and worried 'There is not much else we can do now anyway. We better go to bed and tomorrow we call mum and dad to see if he is there. And if he is not, we will try to find out where he is.' Ginny spoke with determination, but Harry could feel hesitation behind her words. What would they do once they found him? This wasn't something they could solve easily just talking face to face.
When Ginny and Harry were in bed, sensing his distress, she hugged him tightly in the dark.
'We will fix this. I don't know how but we will. Don't worry.' She told him softly.
He let himself relax in her arms but didn't answer, he wasn't positive. There were too many unresolved issues between him and Ron that couldn't be fixed so easily or soon. If ever Harry told himself with dismay.
Chapter 8 – George's help
The next morning Ginny shook Harry to wake him up 'Harry get up, you've already slept enough!' On the other side he felt like he had barely slept ten minutes. With his eyes still closed he grunted with disapproval 'Do you know that some wives wake their husbands up with a kiss and a cup of coffee? … Or even better, they don't wake him up at all?!'
He hid his head under the pillow to protect his eyes from the light she had mercilessly turned on.
She half smiled taking away the pillow 'Lucky husbands! Get up and come down. It's seven o'clock already.'
'Seven o'clock?!' he repeated more upset than ever 'You must be joking! I barely slept six hours!'
'I know but we have to find Ron.' she said with finality leaving the room.
He didn't move while in meditation. He felt sour and less sympathetic with Ron than ever before. Why did he have to ruin his Sunday looking for a person that only the day before tried to curse him and scared the hell out of Ginny and Lily?
'Because he is your best mate and if we came to this it is also your fault' the voice inside him replied with some reason.
He heaved a sigh and very slowly, trying to regain his faculties, started to get down. From the living room he could hear Lily and Hermione chatting animatedly. Lily had been delighted to find her aunt there and she was submerging her with a torrent of words. Thankfully they weren't directed to him.
'Do you know Aunt Hermione I almost decided I want to be a Ravenclaw when I go to Hogwarts! The founder was beautiful, and she had a tiara and she has got a treasure!'
Hermione laughed pleased by all her enthusiasm 'I know right? I was almost chosen for Ravenclaw myself and do you know that their dormitory is up on a tower and they can see the lake and Hogsmeade and all kinds of beautiful things?'
Hermione was sitting on an armchair and Lily was in front of her, on the rug, still in her fluffy pink pyjama.
'Can you please not encourage her in this?' said Harry, once in the room, to Hermione.
Lily ran to him jumping in his arms all excited 'Did you see daddy? Aunt Hermione is here! She actually slept here! She surprised us'.
He lifted her and they rubbed their noses 'Mmmh you are so soft, and you smell like milk and biscuits!'
She laughed gaily 'I had milk and biscuits! Just now!'
'Good, I deserve some breakfast too I think' he replied putting her down 'Now leave your dad some time to return down on earth and go dress yourself'
She sprinted upstairs with enthusiasm.
'She is so full of energy!' Hermione said smiling.
'I know. Even a bit too much, I'd say, if you consider what time it is'
'She told me I had to tell Ron we didn't kiss so you two could make peace'.
He nodded and yawned 'She thinks that is what Ron thought had happened. A silly friend told her that's why couples break up'
'I see…' she smiled.
'Did you already hear from the Burrow?'
She shook her head, her smile vanishing quickly. As she was opening her mouth to answer they heard Ginny calling out urgently for Hermione from the kitchen.
They hastened there. She was kneeling in front of the fireplace and there, blazing in the glowing embers, they could see Neville's face. He looked at them entering the room and, without even a greeting, he started to speak in agitation 'Hermione I was looking for you! I tried to your place and you weren't there, and I guessed I would find you here.'
She crouched close to Ginny in front of the fire 'What's happened?'
'I could ask you the same thing! Blimey! Ron is here, at Hogwarts, in the hospital wing.'
She startled 'Is he hurt?'
'He's not but he gave us a fright all right! Especially McGonagall, she is not that young anymore, but in the end, it was her who stunned him'
'Stunned him? Why?'
'He came here yesterday in the middle of the night; he made such a fuss at the gate asking for me that the caretaker thought best to wake me up. He was drunk. He started to shout that he was there to take Rose away insulting you and Harry. I didn't know what to do with him, he wouldn't calm down, so I sent for McGonagall and she used the Stunning spell on him, we brought him to the hospital wing. Madame Pomfrey rennervated him and made him drink a sleeping potion. Rose doesn't know he is here, and we are not planning to tell her for the moment. What's happened?'
They were all speechless with their mouths half opened, surprise mingled with horror.
'I… we… had an argument yesterday...' said Harry clearing his throat uneasy 'he didn't take it well.'
'He didn't take it well?! Bloody hell, Harry! He almost woke up the whole castle!'
'Ergh… He found out something about the past about me and Hermione and…. He didn't like it…' he was starting to feel hot around the neck, Hermione was looking at the floor and Ginny straight into the fire her gaze fixed and her posture rigid.
Neville didn't speak for a moment looking from Harry, to Hermione and Ginny and then in stupor 'Do you mean to say…'
'It was long time ago!' he blurted out before Neville could finish the sentence, there was no reason to explain to him everything 'even before me and Ginny and Hermione and Ron. It was a mistake!'
'Blimey Harry' he said with amazement 'How could you do it!? To your best mate! Everybody could see that Ron was head to toe in love with Hermione!'
She blushed furiously and Harry became scarlet replying defensively 'It was a difficult circumstance and it is not like I have done it on purpose to hurt him! It just happened and it was a mistake! And please keep it to yourself for heaven's sake'
And it was two of us doing it if I remember properly! Why is it only my fault now?
'Ok all right but still! Now I understand why he was so upset, poor Ron!'
'Poor Ron?!' he snapped starting to feel annoyance rising 'He almost tried to kill me yesterday!'
'Well you can't blame him really...' Neville retorted deep in reflection 'What do we do now? He will wake up eventually'
Harry felt like arguing the point, but Ginny answered before him in a practical tone 'We will send George straight away to pick him up, hopefully he will make Ron see reason. Don't let Rose know he is there, better if she doesn't see him now, she could get scared'.
Neville nodded 'I must go now; I will wait for George.' he said disappearing, before another word could be added, from the flame.
Ginny stood up in haste, lighting up with determination 'Harry we must go and wake him up!"
'He will be delighted...' Harry replied raising slowly, his determination being at the lowest point imagining George's reaction in being woken up on a Sunday at 8 o'clock.
'I'm going to take Hugo from the Burrow' Hermione stated with a troubled expression, probably fearing another attempt by Ron to take the kids away.
'You are right, you must do that. We can drop Lily at Andromeda and Ted's. She'll be happy, and then we can go to George's.' She ran up the stairs to get her and after less than ten minutes they were all ready to go, Lily all excited at the prospect to spend some time with Ted and Harry, Hermione and Ginny tense with worry.
Hermione after having thrown some floopowder, stepped in the fireplace as Harry said 'All right Hermione, we will keep in touch. We'll tell George to try to take Ron to his place so you can go home and if you need, send an owl'
She nodded nervously, 'The Borrow' she shouted, and she was gone.
'Do we go with the floopowder too?' Lily asked eager. For some reason she loved it.
'No, we don't want to be rude arriving there uninvited' explained Ginny 'We will disapparate in front of their door and we'll knock so they won't be frightened'
Once outside Harry took both their hands and took the step focusing on Tonk's place.
Andromeda was awake, like all old people she woke up very early. Ted was sleeping, like all young people he slept until late. They apologised for the hour naming an emergency, but she didn't ask for any explanation, she was always pleased to take care of Lily and, refusing a breakfast offer which really tempted Harry who hadn't yet had any, they marched straight to George's who obviously wasn't awake yet.
He led a most extravagant life, his creativity whims robbing him of a normal routine. He could be seen having breakfast at two in the afternoon or having dinner at midnight. Whenever an idea for some new merchandise struck his mind, he had to work on it. Being it at five in the morning or at six in the evening. He was anyway not an early riser, quite the opposite. Going there at eight o'clock they were sure to find him asleep and if, by any chance, he was awake that meant only that he hadn't gone to bed at all.
He still lived in the small apartment above the joke shop. He had never wanted to move anywhere else. Everybody was of the opinion that it would have been better for him to move somewhere new, not to be haunted by Fred's presence but he had always refused categorically. It had already been a few years that Lee had moved away, he was living on his own and seemed contented of his situation.
They knocked at the door with insistence to wake him up until Gorge, with a murderous glare, opened the door violently.
His mouth was wide open ready to shout at the disturber but when he realised Harry and Ginny were the disturbers, he stopped in his track. Although, he didn't look more conciliating either.
'Do you realise what time it is?' he apostrophized them with a furred tongue, his hair going in all directions.
'It's an emergency' Ginny said pushing him to get inside.
The place was a mess like usual. Clothes on the floor everywhere, there was a mountain of dirty plates in the sink, empty bottles and rubbish of every kind were on the table. They freed some chairs from a stack of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes' catalogues and sat down around it.
George with a snort slammed the door and went to kitchen 'Do you want some breakfast?' he asked grudgingly looking for the coffee machine between the dirty plates 'Yes pl...' 'No, thank you' Ginny interrupted Harry. 'George something bad happened and we need your help'.
A look of concern passed on George's face supplanting the frown, he stopped his search and made to sit in front of them while Ginny started to recount what had occurred.
'Yesterday Ron had a fight with Hermione, he came to our place and tried to curse Harry. He doesn't want you or anybody else of the family having contact with him anymore and he tried to get Rose from Hogwarts. He was drunk, they had to stun him and now he is there in the hospital wing sleeping.'
George looked at her transfixed for a few seconds without moving, he then made to speak but stopped again passing a hand in his hair 'I beg your pardon?!' he managed to say in the end. Ginny rolled her eyes 'George wake up, this is important! We need you to go there to pick him up, try to calm him down and keep him here'
George rubbed his face and said 'Ginny, sorry, I just woke up, I basically had three hours of sleep. I don't get it! What in the name of hell happened? Why did they argue? What does Harry have to do with it?'.
'All right' Harry told himself 'here we go again' and he was about to tell his rehearsed story when Ginny blurted out 'Harry shagged Hermione when they were seventeen and Ron found it out'
'Bloody hell, Ginny!' Harry sprinted on his feet surprised and greatly embarrassed by her bluntness.
But George suddenly exploded in a roar of laughter that almost made him fall from the chair. Ginny reddened in anger while George with tears in his eyes gave Harry a strong pat on the shoulder 'Well done Harry!' he said between laughter 'I was always a bit concerned about you. All these women buzzing around and you just sticking to Ginny and her alone, now I know you had some fun before her' Harry flushed to the root of his hair and stammered incomprehensible words while George kept laughing like his life depended on it.
Ginny stood up suddenly banging her hands on the table 'George this is not a laughing matter, this is serious!'.
George made an effort to suppress the amusement, succeeding clumsily 'I'm sorry Ginny, it was unexpected. Do you want me to go and pick him up?' still gulping trying to regain composure.
'Yes, and you must calm him down and keep him far from Hermione. And from Harry. At least for the time being. He tried to use the Cruciatus Curse on him'
Harry was sure she said that only to sober him up and it worked the trick.
'The Cruciatus Curse on Harry? But why?'
'Didn't you hear what I just said?' Ginny asked impatiently.
'You know I have just half of it!' he smirked pointing at the hole in his head where his hear should have been, but seeing the expression on Ginny's face he sobered up 'Sorry couldn't resist. They were seventeen, come on! And they have always been friends since. Why is it a problem now?'
Ginny let herself fall again limply on her chair 'Oh please George! You speak as if you don't know him. You know all about his inferiority complex, especially with Harry around. It has been a blow to him'
'I have always wondered why we all managed to grow up eventually but him' he exclaimed going to look for the coffee machine again 'And I imagine you want me to go now.'
'Straight away'
'All right, all right, I'll go.'
He found the coffee machine right at the bottom of the sink under a pile of dirty dishes, pots and pans and started to look for the coffee in the cupboard.
'Obviously you take this to the grave' Harry threatened him with a stern stare. 'Nobody else needs to know.'
'Shame. It was a good piece of gossip' George said looking disappointed, but Ginny intervened 'We need to tell my parents… and maybe Bill and Percy too'
'You are kidding, I hope! Does the whole world need to know?!' Harry exclaimed turning to her in alarm.
'Oh Harry, do you prefer that they hear it from our mouths or Ron's?'
'Fair point' said George that having localised the coffee he had placed the machine on the fire.
'Ok, all right' Harry surrendered 'But please, please! I beg you' he implored Ginny 'You tell them when I'm not there, I don't want to go through it again, not with your parents anyway'.
'How many times did you have to tell already?' asked George out of curiosity looking for clean cups while the coffee was grumbling gently in the machine. A strong aroma was pervading the room making Harry's belly growl louder.
'A few times...' said Harry with a sigh 'And it's distressing I can tell you...'
'There are worst things, I say. It is not as if you killed somebody. If Ron wasn't the biggest prat he would see it in the same light too' George found three cups and served them a black coffee (without sugar to save him another quarter of an hour searching) that they sipped in silence savouring the bitter flavour, all deep in their respective reflections. Harry on what step to take next and George was mumbling about Incarcerous spell and Full Body-Bind curse.
On the door, Ginny hugged George 'You will let us know, will you?'
'As soon as I have the chance. I will make the prat see reason. Don't worry' he reassured them.
'And George?' Ginny added just before turning way 'Your place is indecent. It looks like a pigsty. Tidy up please'.
He smirked and closed the door behind them.
Chapter 9 – Ted's warning
When they got home, they ate a late breakfast in silence. Once over, Ginny announced him of her intention to hear from the Burrow. Harry took the hint immediately. He had to vacate the kitchen and he did so straight away. He had no intention whatsoever to see the expression of his mother and father in law to the declaration of what he had done. Ron was their son and it would have been only natural for them to side with Ron against him. He didn't know what to expect and it was best to let Ginny deal with it. She would have known how to talk to them.
He walked to the living room and lay down on the sofa to have a nap, he needed to recuperate some lost sleep. The worst was surely still ahead of them and he wanted to face it well rested.
He closed his eyes but couldn't fall asleep, his mind was too occupied by worries. What if they actually sided with Ron? What could he do? He couldn't bear to tear a family apart. Especially a family as united as theirs. They had welcomed him arms open when he declared his intention to marry Ginny and they have always treated him like a son. He didn't have any other family but that one. Would they feel betrayed?
But surely not. If not even Ginny had felt that way, why should they? It was nonsensical. And it was anyway a very silly thing the one that happened. Ron and Hermione weren't even together at the time.
Are we trying to justify ourselves? His inner voice asked.
He ignored it but he knew very well how it could be considered silly by somebody like George and Ginny but how different it was for somebody else, like Neville, Ron and perhaps his parents?
After what seemed a very short time, Ginny sat close to him. She kissed him on the forehead, and he could smell coffee. He smiled amused 'So much better now, don't you think?' he grabbed her around the waist more awake than ever and tried to pull her close to him 'Let's see if you can do even better..' said mischievously.
She replied with merriment in her voice 'I have got a cup of boiling coffee in my hand. If you don't want it to fall straight on you, I'd stop doing what you are trying to do, right now.'
'Perhaps I will take the risk' he stared at her intensely 'it seems worth it'. She giggled under his gaze, but she didn't let herself be persuaded 'Don't you want to know what my parents said instead?'
He frowned 'Actually, I don't think it's a fair exchange since one doesn't exclude the other but go ahead'.
'They knew already. Hermione explained everything when she picked Hugo up'.
He raised sitting beside her and looked quizzical for what was coming. She continued 'They didn't get upset. Although they are very worried, for you, for Ron and for Ron's kids. They didn't hear from him yet, but they expect him soon enough. They told me to send you their love and the assurance that they would try to talk to him on your behalf.'
He felt his heart warming toward them. He felt lighter, relieved and more positive now he knew he had their support. Finally a tiny ray of hope was appearing on the horizon. For sure Molly, if George failed, could make him see reason. She was his mother after all, for sure she knew how to handle him.
'That's great news' he said taking the cup from her hand and leaving it on the coffee table 'Now, you were trying to wake me up and I was ready to see if I could obtain more than a kiss..' he said his hands travelling on her body already.
She grasped them though and kept them firmly in her own 'Harry, keep still. I want to talk to you about something else.'
Harry sighed impatient 'What do you want to talk about?'
'Hermione.' she said sternly 'I never really questioned myself on you two, but since the recent event, I thought it over, and I want you to clear a few things up for me.'
'All right… What do you want to know?' he asked insecure, feeling again to be on dangerous grounds. Her reaction on finding out had been indeed smoother than what he thought it would be. He was expecting something of the kind.
'I want to know how things stand between you and her.'
'Ginny, I don't' understand. We have already talked about this. We are friends. Period.' Where did she want to get with this? Hasn't he been clear enough?
'I know. But I want to explore the thing a bit better. You are very physical for example.'
'What do you mean?' He asked perplexed.
'You always hug and kiss each other; you take her by the hand...'
'Does it bother you? It doesn't mean anything but if it bothers you, I'll stop'
Now that she mentioned it, he realised that it was true, they were physical. It had always been like that. It felt natural and he had never suspected it could raise doubts or jealousy from Ginny.
'Given the chance would you have sex with her?' she asked bluntly.
'For heaven's sake Ginny! Of course not!'
'Why?' she asked staring piercingly at him.
Harry grunted 'What kind of question is this? Isn't it obvious?'
'I still want to hear the answer…' she replied steady.
Harry answered resigned 'Because I'm married to you, she is married to my best mate. And I'm not attracted to her anyway. While to you….' And as he said it, he tried to free his hands still in hers to start again where he had been interrupted, but she didn't let go. He then started to kiss her neck, but she interrupted him 'Harry stop. I'm not finished.' Harry sighed again, on the verge of tears, and leaned his forehead on her shoulder.
'Is there a point to this conversation?'
'Yes, there is. I want to understand. You will just answer my question, and I want you to answer honestly and truthfully. All right?'
He nodded. 'Can I have my hands back?'
'If you keep them where I can see them' and letting them go, she continued 'If I wasn't part of your life and Ron wasn't there. And you were both single and she made a move to you. Would you have sex with her?
'Why does this question sound very much like a trap to me?' he asked not very willing to fall into it.
'You said you were going to answer honestly. Think about it'
He took a big breath and started dwelling on it. He had always given friendship with Hermione for granted. He never meditated too much on it. They had grown up together and she had always been like a sister. But she wasn't a sister really. She was good looking enough. He was sure he could never fall in love with her, he didn't feel that way at all. Yet just sex, perhaps, yes. He had done it once he could do it again even if it would be different. They were under serious pressure back then. Now it would have meant having sex with her knowing exactly with whom and why he was having it. He realised at that moment that he had never actually even seen her body; they had always made quite sure darkness was complete. They didn't want to see each other. It helped them to pretend it didn't happen and even now his memories of it were blurred.
He shrugged his shoulders 'Yeah' he answered truthfully 'Maybe I would, it'd be bizarre in a way, but I'd do it.' And then realising what he just said added quickly 'Mind, she wouldn't been less of a friend to me for that. It would be just for fun. Like, once done, friends as before. And only, and I mean this, ONLY if you had never been born'. He started to kiss her behind the ear 'and how empty and miserable my life would have been…'
She relaxed under his kisses 'Ok, I'm satisfied…'
Harry brightened 'Great! I don't understand why, but great! Now, can we…'
Ginny interrupted him 'I'm satisfied because you have been honest, I can see that she is just a friend to you, and I don't see any danger of you falling in love with her. But have you ever stopped to think how she feels about you?'
Harry looked at her questioning 'What do you mean? She feels the same way obviously'.
'No Harry, it is not that obvious' she said sternly 'Men and women are different...' she started speaking using the patronizing tone one would use to explain to a child that two plus two is four.
Harry felt annoyed 'I know…'
Ginny interjected 'Don't interrupt me. Just listen. You, men, can do stuff without thinking twice about the possible interpretations and consequences. You are a bit simpler and more easy-going. While women ponder about everything. And I mean everything! Every gesture, every word and feeling, we give them meaning and we analyse them over and over again.'
'Geez, it must be tiring!'
Ginny raised her eyebrows 'You have no idea! Anyway' she continued 'for example, you can have sex just for fun, but women, nine to ten, will feel involved in a way or another. And I'm telling you this, to put you on your guard. All this intimacy with Hermione could be read in a different way from her. That poor woman is starving for affection and right now you are giving it to her.'
Harry paused reflecting on what she said and then laughed 'Nah! That's impossible! She sees me only as a friend! I'm sure! We grew up together!'
'She grew up with Ron too.' She replied with a meaningful look.
Point taken.
He wavered for a second and then shook his head 'No Ginny, you are wrong. She could never fall for me. She says that all the time!'
'Ok, you know her better than me. And that being said, you can hug her as much as you like. I'm not jealous and I won't bring the topic forward again. I said what I wanted to say.' She concluded.
'Finally!' he uttered 'Can we have sex now? I can't remember the last time we've done it with the sun shining outside instead of sneaking during the night worrying about Lily butting in. And I'm warning you, we won't have another chance until she goes to Hogwarts and it is five years from now'
Ginny rolled her eyes annoyed 'Can you just think about sex?'
'If I'm not wrong it is you that brought up the topic first and anyway, no, of course not' he answered seriously 'After we have it there is usually a lapse of time where I can think of other stuff too.' He paused and then added 'but usually it doesn't last more than fifteen or sixteen minutes'
Ginny laughed and then smiled mockingly 'Geez, it must be tiring!'
He grinned back 'You have no idea!' and he kissed her without being rejected this time.
Late in the afternoon he was in front of Ted and Andromeda's place.
Looking at it he could not avoid being reminded of when he crushed in their garden pursued by Voldemort just before his seventeenth birthday. Hagrid was there too. He felt a pang of nostalgia. He passed away just a few years back. He was already old and died in his sleep in his hut in Hogwarts. He never retired but kept working almost until the last moment. They knew, like him, that it was going to happen soon, so they managed a last encounter before the approaching moment. It was a very sad event for them, but they were glad he didn't suffer, and he left in a most peaceful way. Under his request he was buried in the forbidden forest and, despite this, many people were present to pay their goodbyes. Centaurs included.
Andromeda welcomed him warmly and told him that Lily was with Ted in his room.
When he entered, he found a very bizarre scene in front of him. Ted was sitting on the floor legs crossed, his hair was long sleek and pure white, Lily behind him with a look of utmost concentration was applying clips and ribbon on it in a most unusual fashion.
They greeted him without changing their demeanour. Lily was tying a lock of hair with a ribbon just on the top of Ted's head and she kept on working studiously.
'Lily what are you doing?' asked Harry
'I'm showing Ted how to fix his hair for the next time he will meet Victoire so she will love him even more!' she folded the lock of hair carefully to form a circlet and fixed it with a bow.
'I see….' Harry said seriously 'Yes Ted, I think it definitely brings out your charm...'.
He chuckled but kept still to let her finish.
'Make it blue now!' Lily asked in imperative tone.
'Lily don't be bossy and ask politely'
'I'm sorry dad' she looked at him repenting and asked again 'Teddy could you make your hair blue please?'
He closed his eyes and when he opened them again, the hair was of a bright electric blue. Lily emitted a shrill of joy looking at the lovely colour. She clipped a last lock and turned around to face him admiring her work.
'How do I look?' Ted asked smiling at the two of them.
'Unusual'
'Beautiful' Harry and Lily said at the same time. One with a sceptical look and the other with her eyes glinting.
'Thank you, Lily. You are a genius with hair!' Ted complimented her looking at himself in the mirror amused at what he saw. 'Why don't you go to grandma to ask for a cup of cocoa? I want to speak with your dad for a sec'.
She ran gaily out of the room all pleased by his approbation.
'How are you? How did Lily behave?' asked Harry leaning against the door's frame.
Ted who was removing all the clips from his hair answered 'I'm fine and she behaved very well as usual. If we don't consider that she woke me up basically at sunrise'
'9 o'clock?' Harry asked with a grin.
'9.30 for your information, and it's basically sunrise on Sunday' he replied half smiling at him.
He messed with his hair that under the touch became shorter and turned back white as he usually wore it.
Ted had started training as a healer in St. Mungo's hospital the year before. It was challenging, but he was very satisfied with it. Harry had suggested him to become an Auror when he was still in school, he had all the qualities for it, and a metamorfomagus was always useful in the team but he had refused. He had explained to Harry 'Without taking away anything from your profession, I prefer to save lives than destine them to madness or death in Azkaban' he was very critical about the justice system in the magical world 'if they come out, they come out worse than when they went in' he would say.
Harry, who was dealing mostly with dangerous dark wizards, couldn't always see his point and told him so. Ted had his answer ready 'I'm pretty sure most of those dark wizards have got very unhappy backgrounds or they wouldn't have become what they became. And I feel confident in saying, and I don't mean this to justify or excuse, that if we dug even in You-know-who's past, we would surely find out that he had a very unhappy childhood and hadn't been much loved. Maybe some of those dark wizards could still be saved with some effort. But definitely not in Azkaban.'
Check and mate!
He grew up to be very much like Tonks in looks and more like Lupin in character. He was tall and lanky, always wearing jumpers three sizes bigger than his own and ripped, tight jeans. He was a quiet person, a good listener, open minded and very mature for his age. Harry often wondered where all his wisdom was coming from, it felt like Ted was the older of the two sometimes.
'I need to talk to you' he said as he beckon him to sit on the bed while going to close the door.
Harry felt like he was about to be told off and laughed a little. He did as he was asked however, ready to listen.
'First of all, I wanted to thank you for inviting me again to live with you the last time we met. It really means a lot to me, but you know I can't. Grandma would go crazy. I will live here until I move into a place of my own.'
Harry was sorry; on the other hand, it was no more than he was expecting. Andromeda was very attached to Ted. He had been her comfort after the death of her husband and Tonks and she had always covered him with affection and love. She would have felt very lonely if he would have chosen to go to Harry's place and he respected Ted for taking that decision.
'Second: Lily told me what happened last night'
Here we go.
'Yes...' he sighed 'it wasn't pleasant, and she got very scared' he paused unsure on how to proceed. He didn't want to explain to him the reason of their argument and to buy time he asked grinning 'She told you about the kissing I guess…'
Ted was serious though 'Well… That is what she thought had happened, but she told me what she heard and even if she couldn't understand the word, she repeated it more or less correctly and I couldn't fail to grasp the meaning of it.'
Fuck!
He half opened his mouth in surprise, he didn't realise that could happen. He needed to do something about it straight away. He almost jumped up to go and stop Lily repeating to the world what she didn't understand.
Ted divining this said calmly 'I told her not to repeat that to anybody, not even Susie or her brothers. I made her promise.'
He exhaled a big breath of relief 'Thank god! You're the best! Thank you!'
Ted returned sitting on the rug, legs crossed and looked at him searchingly 'I'm concerned for you.' he said in his kind of spiritual way that always made Harry smile.
'Don't worry Ted, I will find a solution' he was thankful he didn't have to justify himself to him. He wasn't the kind of person who judged, and he didn't seem to regard with surprise, or horror or any particular feeling what he had apprehended. And moreover, he knew he could rely on him to keep this matter quiet.
'Harry don't take this as a criticism, but Ron has always been more open about himself than you had ever been. And therefore, he is easier to understand…'
Harry interrupted him 'Sorry, didn't get that. What do you mean to say?'
'You are much more closed off than Ron'
'Am I?' he asked rising his eyebrows in amazement
'You are. You barely tell anything about yourself, your past or what you feel about things. Which is telling anyhow but no matter'.
It was the first time he told him this and he felt somehow in defect, especially in his regard. He had taken care of him since he was little, and he had always considered himself to be quite open with him. He wanted to be open with him. It was also true that, unlike his kids, Ted wasn't the kind of person that would ask many questions, more of the kind that waited to be told.
'Do you want to know something about me?' he asked hesitantly.
'I don't wish to be told anything you have no pleasure in saying. And in any case, I don't' need you to. One can understand a lot from what it is left unsaid.'
He felt exposed, like if he understood something about him, he didn't or wanted to know.
'How come you grew up so bizarre?' he asked to loosen up the conversation.
He laughed merrily which brought him back to his age in a moment 'I don't know, maybe I have been spoiled by everybody too much, that made me odd.'
He had had a very different childhood from other children. Andromeda was officially taking care of him, but he was basically a communal child. He was dividing his time with many families. Harry and Ginny mostly but also with Ron and Hermione, Bill and Fleur, Molly and Arthur. Loved and pampered by everybody for Tonks and Lupin's sake. He probably never had a lonely hour up going to Hogwarts. Everybody was always very careful he wouldn't have to suffer in not having any mum and dad. For that reason, he got many.
He learned very young what happened to them and if he grieved for it, Harry knew not. Andromeda and him always tried to impress on his mind to be proud of his parents. Ted was aware of his dad having been a werewolf, but he had been taught not to regard it as anything wrong.
This abnormal upbringing could hardly produce a normal child.
'Anyhow' Ted continued resuming his studious glare 'I just wanted to put you on your guard against Ron. I met with him recently and I could read in his words and behaviour. He felt bitter and unsatisfied. It was worse than the last time I saw him. I don't know if, when and why this thing happened with Hermione, but I fear that it may be the drop for him. He has too much resentment inside and you unfortunately have got everything he wishes to have. And it has always been like that. He is very attached to you, but it is a kind of love/hate feeling, if you know what I mean. And right now, hate is predominant, you became the scapegoat.' He was fiddling with a piece of paper he found on the floor looking straight into Harry's eyes.
Harry was very impressed by his words; he knew it all already, but it nonplussed him nevertheless how much Ted understood about them.
He cleared his voice 'Thank you for having told me this Ted'
'No problem' he said standing up like he just spoke about the weather.
'How is it with Victoire? Still going strong?' he asked to change the subject, Ted's face illuminated with animation, a most unusual thing with him, always very composed. He immediately sat close to Harry to talk about her.
'She is amazing'.
Harry smiled at his enthusiasm 'I know. That Veela influence is powerful, isn't it?'
He looked at him hesitantly 'Yes, it is but I'm not talking about that.'
'What do you mean? It hasn't got any effect on you?' He grew very interested all of sudden, as far as he knew that charm didn't fail with any man. Ted was so odd though that maybe it was different for him.
'It does all right' he said chuckling 'but I can understand when she is turning it on. I feel it but I can dissociate it. Do I make myself clear?'
'Ergh…'
He tried to explain himself better 'I recognised it and can control it. I don't like her because of it. I like her because she is smart, sensitive, positive and cheeky. She makes me crazy!' he said beaming, a smile going from ear to ear, eyes dreaming and finally he looked again like the not that much older than a teenager that he really was.
Harry grinned happy to see him so much in love.
'You must be careful' he said joking 'She is going to have plenty of boys around her!'
'I know' he admitted smiling 'but I'm not worried. They can be very faithful these Veela women when they are in love. I noticed that with Victoire's mum and grandma.'
Harry recognised that it was probably true. Fleur could have chosen any man she wanted but she never faltered in her love to Bill and it seemed the same with her mother, considering that her father wasn't exactly the most handsome man.
On that moment they heard knocking at the door. It was Lily asking if they were going to go home.
He stood up ready to go and invited Ted for dinner. Lily was already lighting up with happiness, but Ted refused 'No, I'm sorry I can't. Grandma made something special for dinner' and he winked at Harry. He knew what he meant.
Ted, as long as he could remember, had always refused to eat animals and Andromeda who would try at any length to make him happy was always striving to cook something special, experimenting new ingredients and strange roots. The result was not always agreeable.
Harry sometimes amused himself thinking about what Lupin would have said of Ted's vegetarianism. He would have probably found it funny and maybe he would have secretly felt relieved on how far from a werewolf this tendency was.
'Good luck then!' smirked Harry. He took Lily by the hand and refusing politely an invitation for dinner got back home.
Chapter 10 – Harry's past
Ginny had a troubled look. She held in her hand a scroll of paper; on the window a screech owl was drinking from a bowl left there for him. He recognised Leo, George's owl.
He could see by Ginny's expression that it wasn't good news. As soon as he approached her, she passed him the scroll.
In a very untidy handwriting, it said:
Hello guys,
Ron is here and I have a bit of good/bad news to relate.
Let's start with the good. He came back without a struggle; I didn't have to cast the Incarcerous spell I was more than ready to use in case he wasn't willing. He abandoned his plan to kidnap Rose and followed me without too much trouble.
Now for the bad. I'm writing locked in the bathroom. That probably will make you understand how things stand.
He refuses categorically to see reason. He is still enraged against Harry even if the violent mood subsided. He told me that the moment is come for us to decide who we want in our family, him or Harry. I told him he is behaving like a moron, but I didn't press the matter as he was getting angrier by the minute.
I just managed to persuade him to sleep at my place tonight, but he is determined to go to the Burrow tomorrow morning. I hope he will think about it all over again and he will be more reasonable after a night sleep but, to be honest, I don't think he will. I've never seen him like this.
We will see.
Don't reply to this.
George
He gave back the scroll to Ginny 'We didn't really expect anything different, did we?'
'No, I guess not' she said with resignation 'but I must say, I was ready to hope.' She stood up and closed the window behind Leo who was already flying away.
'I will prepare dinner in a minute; you go and relax' she said with a tired smile.
Harry went to the living room, sat down in the armchair and leaned against it, sighing. He felt disheartened.
He brought his memory back to the Hogwarts' days. He and Ron playing games in the back of the room during Binns' classes, playing quidditch together, losing at chess against him, the snowballs fights in winter, the countless laughter…
How did we get to this?
Why all this ill will against him? Harry knew it couldn't just be because of what had happened with Hermione. As Ted had said, that one was just the drop.
Well, looking at it from Ron's point of view maybe it wasn't just a drop. It was more like a glass full of drops… Or maybe a pint…
Ok let's be honest with oneself! It's a fucking Niagara's Fall! Ron will never forgive me this!
Even if only this unhappy episode had been under scrutiny, it would have already been a hopeless case. But on the top of it there were years and years of resentment accumulated. All starting with his popularity back in school. Ron never fully understood that, back then, Harry would have swapped his life with Ron's anytime, given the chance. He was the lucky one, having a big family that loved him and was always there to side and support him. He realised now how he craved to be part of that family when he was young. Although he never even dreamed to feel resentment against Ron for what he had, and he had not. It was just as it was. Why then has Ron always resented him?
He couldn't explain it to himself.
While following this train of thought Lily entered the room. Sensing Harry's mood she was lingering on the threshold undecided whether to come forward. He smiled at her wearily but encouragingly, so she climbed on his lap. She didn't speak, she just looked at him with her penetrating gaze.
'Are you sad, dad?' she finally said.
'Yes, my pet, a bit.'
'Because of uncle?'
He nodded.
She was silent again. Then with her finger she started tracing the contour of the scar on his forehead.
'What are you doing?' he asked smiling.
'Mum explained to me why you have that scar. I asked you but you never answered.'
'What did she tell you?' That she was better not to tell.
'She told me that You-Know-Who tried to kill you when you were a baby and he couldn't. That's why you have it and that's why I have just got one grandma and grandpa' she spoke in a low voice a bit frightened by her own daring to speak about Voldemort. The tale of him still terrorized children and adult alike.
'I have got the same name as your mum, right?'
'You do.' He answered her questions mechanically, still thinking about Ron.
'How was she?'
'I never knew her. I was too young when she died. But I have seen pictures, and everybody says she was lovely, smart and brave.'
She leaned her head on his chest deep in meditation 'So, who took care of you when you were little?'.
'My uncle and aunt.' He said passing his fingers in her dark red hair.
She suddenly sat upright on his lap 'I have got another aunt and uncle?'
'Yes, you do. But I have no idea where they are now. And, with any luck, you will probably never meet them.'
As a matter of fact, she had met them. When she was three years old. But she had no way to know. It was during summer holidays. They had taken the kids to the London aquarium. Harry had never been himself and Ginny, obviously, neither. They were in front of the shark tank and the boys had their noses pressing to it charmed. Harry was holding Lily and showing the fishes to her. As they were walking to the next tank, he saw them. They were coming from the opposite direction taking by the hand a little boy who was about six years old and who couldn't be any other than Dudley's son. He was just like him when he was a child. Blonde, chubby and scowling. His aunt and uncle were exactly as he remembered them, only with greyer hair and more wrinkles. They widened their eyes in surprise, gaping when their gaze met, and Harry knew that they recognised him too. They stared at each other only for a second taking in all the changes and then, they averted their eyes almost at the same moment. There wasn't any reason to acknowledge each other. Neither there could be any pleasure in the meeting. Quite the opposite. Ginny was distracted by the endless flow of James and Albus's questions and didn't notice anything. Harry wasn't sure she would have recognised them anyway. She hadn't had many occasions to see them. Harry didn't enlighten her, however. There wasn't any point to it. And that meeting quite spoiled his day.
It had been the only episode in nineteen years. He hadn't heard or seen them again and he wasn't sorry for it. For this reason, he wanted to crush as soon as possible any possible expectation from that quarter in Lily.
'But why?' she looked at him a bit disappointed.
'They were never nice to me.'
'Why weren't they nice to you?'
Interesting question. Why weren't they nice to me? Envy? Stupidity? Pure evilness? All of them?
Anyway, the answer he was tempted to give was:
Because they were fucking bastards.
However, the parental advised one was:
'Because they didn't approve of my parents and they had a son already. They liked him more than they liked me. They never treated me well.'
Lily's expression saddened 'What did they do to you?'
Where to start?
He remembered about the closet under the stairs, the second hand clothes always too large for him, the humiliations, the neglect, Dudley bullying him, being locked in his room and almost starved. And then he looked at his daughter and read in her eyes the struggle in understanding a situation quite different from her own, and sadness, and pity. He could see her picturing in her childish mind not to have any mum and be mistreated.
He didn't want this. He didn't want his own daughter to be confronted with the reality of his miserable childhood. He didn't want her to feel pity for him.
He took her in his arms and stood up 'We must go and help mum in setting up the table'.
She didn't relinquish her question 'What did they do to you?'
He didn't answer and took her to kitchen.
They had a subdued meal, Lily was playing with her food and not eating much, her expression grave.
Harry regretted immediately having told her that much, little as it was.
The following day at 8 o'clock Hermione was at their door. She brought Hugo over. Ginny had some schedule to plan, a job she could do from home and had accepted to take care of him together with Lily.
Lily welcomed him with her usual vivacity and took him by the hand straight away to show him the tree. They were as opposite in character as it was possible to be. He was a shy boy, reserved and quiet but probably because of their difference they never argued, and they loved each other dearly, always begging their parents to bring them over to play together.
Harry kissed Ginny goodbye and started with Hermione for the Ministry.
There wasn't much snow around. Just a white veil covering cars and tree branches. However, that little, made the grey city look a bit more welcoming and festive. A few people were already around for a last-minute Christmas shopping or, like them, going to work.
They had just one working day that week. The day after, the 24th, they would have had to go to St. Pancras to pick up the kids back from Hogwarts.
They walked slowly. Air was crispy, and the sun was starting to come out. It was going to be a nice sunny day though cold.
'Why didn't you say anything to Ginny about the horcrux?' Hermione asked abruptly without as much as a preliminary sentence.
He looked at her frowning 'Didn't we agree not to tell?'
'To the world in general yes, but to her… Obviously I thought you let it out with her. I was very surprised in understanding that she didn't know anything of your connection with Voldemort'
'Why should I have told her? What was the point?' he asked feeling irritated.
'Harry she is your wife! You're supposed to share both painful moments and the happy ones with her!'
'There isn't any point in saddening her with what cannot be changed' he said brusquely. And then, he reflected, he had an unbalance between the happy and the unhappy and it was unfair to make Ginny even more aware of this than she already was.
'I disagree. You hurt her more being as reserved as you are, than sharing with her what troubles you'
Why all of sudden the whole world wants to acknowledge me as reserved?
'It doesn't trouble me anymore. My past, I mean.'
She looked at him archly 'Harry, don't give me that rubbish please… If it wouldn't, you would speak about it. I see how you always avoid the topic whenever you can.'
He didn't answer, aware that she made a point. He could kid himself with thinking that it didn't matter anymore. But the past was always there, with him, whatever he did and wherever he went, never healed and never forgot.
'And your kids ask questions about you to me and to Ginny because they know that they cannot ask you. They are smart, they understand. They want to know about you from you, not from us or worse from strangers!'
He rubbed his hands together to keep them warm struggling to find the words to express what he thought.
'Hermione you don't understand. Only yesterday Lily asked me about my mum. I only told her that I never knew her and that I've been raised by my aunt and uncle that weren't nice to me. And you had to see her face! She looked half heartbroken thinking about me without a mum. And that is just the top of the iceberg! You saw Ginny's face when I told her Voldemort made me a Horcrux! How could I possibly find the heart to tell them more when just those notions pain them so much!' he paused a second and then continued steady 'I just want to forget myself. I'm not gonna dig everything up again and make my family miserable. I must deal with this alone.'
'I'm sorry Harry. I will be honest with you now.' She took Harry's hand and continued 'You will never forget. It doesn't matter how much effort you will put in it. You won't succeed. It is not something you can forget. You will have to live with it. Your family loves you and want to share that burden with you. They know it is painful, but they don't mind, otherwise they wouldn't ask.
What you are doing is keeping them far from you. And eventually one day, all that you are harbouring, will come out in a very unpleasant way if you don't learn how to deal with it now.'
She looked at him with the corner of her eyes afraid of his reaction at her criticism. They were almost at the entrance of the public toilet to get to the Ministry.
Harry was affected by Hermione's words. So affected he forgot to be irritated by it.
'You have been honest indeed' he said as they entered the public toilet.
She chuckled 'You know I have to speak my mind.'
'You are probably right. As usual' he smirked 'but it's not easy.'
'I know it's not. It rarely is.'
She squeezed his hand sympathetically, she gave him a kiss and disappeared in the cubicle.
In the early afternoon an inter-departmental memo flew into his office
'I'm going to the Burrow to meet Ron. I heard from Molly. He is there.
I'll write to you as soon as I can.
Love Hermione'
For the rest of the afternoon he found it difficult to concentrate, conjectures of the result of that encounter uppermost in his mind. The hope that she could fix everything was strong.
He exchanged Christmas wishes with his colleagues and started for home earlier than usual, in trepidation, anxious for an update.
Hugo was still there; he could hear him playing with Lily in the living room. It didn't bode well.
As he entered the kitchen looking for Ginny, his assumption ended up being correct. He found her exactly in the same posture and with the same expression of the previous day. A scroll of parchment close to her on the table.
'Why do I feel I'm getting a déjà vu?' he asked getting the parchment and caressing her head gently while reading.
Dear Ginevra,
Ron is here. He arrived this morning in a most unpleasant mood.
He told us what happened exaggerating everything as you can well imagine. He demanded from us to severe our contacts with Harry.
I told him he can't ask this from us since in our affection they are both our sons.
He wasn't happy about it. He said nasty things I don't want to write and got very angry indeed.
It seems he is harbouring the conviction the whole family values Harry more than him. Which is absolutely not true. We love him very much. We just don't want our family to be split up.
It pains me it's happening all just before Christmas and on the eve of the children returning home.
I asked Hermione to come and try to speak to him. They have been closed in the living room for already some time. I hope she will succeed where we failed.
A lot of love to you, Harry and Lily, from me and your dad.
Your affectionate,
Mum
He let the letter drop on the table.
'I guess we need to decide what to do tomorrow. Do you think I should come to St. Pancras?'
She took a quizzical look 'Of course you must. James and Albus will be dreadfully disappointed if you don't'
'What if Ron will be there?'
She looked at him understanding the meaning of the question and didn't answer. She took the letter and read it again.
'We will ask Hermione what to do.'
Chapter 11 – What do we do on Christmas day?
The morning of the 24th at 7 o'clock they were woken up by Lily. She sprinted in the room and jumped on the bed between them 'Wake up!' she shouted, 'We need to go to pick James and Albus up!'
'Lily, it is not until 1 o'clock!' Ginny mumbled turning on the other side under the duvet.
'I know but we have to make the house look pretty and cook something nice for dinner!'
'Why don't you start, and we will follow up?' suggested Harry hoping against hope she would let them sleep at least an hour more.
Surprisingly she was so excited, she agreed instantly and ran out to the kitchen.
They heard her steps down the stairs and a crash after a few minutes.
'You know she is going to demolish the house if we let her alone' Ginny's voice came from somewhere under the duvet.
'Let's leave her run amuck. We will have James and Albus tonight anyway. It's gonna happen. We cannot stop it.' Harry answered ready to fall asleep again.
'Harry please go and check on her. I feel so tired'
He groaned disgruntled but sat up trying to gather the energy.
'Thank you, you are the best husband in the world'.
'yeah, yeah, yeah. Up to yesterday I was messy and careless' he yawned and went down to see what Lily had manged to do in the space of five minutes.
It turned out be quite a lot not surprisingly. She was floating on a stool trying to get the flour from an upper shelf. On the floor were already two pots smashed and sugar everywhere.
He took the flour with one hand and Lily around the waist with the other arm. She started laughing as she was released safe on a chair. He went to get his wand 'Reparo' he murmured sleepily and the jars were whole and full again.
'So, what were you trying to do?'
'I want to make biscuits'
'All right' he had never done it but how difficult could it be? He got a recipe book from the shelf and started to study it. Mysterious spells and ingredients he'd never heard of were written on the page. Lily was looking at him expectantly.
He shut the book.
'Right! What if we wait mummy for this? We can have breakfast and then we clean the house.'
She agreed cheerfully. Harry made a simple breakfast of toast more adapted to his cooking skills and then they proceeded around the house tiding up and cleaning, Harry casting all the spells and Lily copying him with her toy wand that had no effect whatsoever if not emitting some colourful sparks. She was however well satisfied with it.
At ten o'clock he went to check on Ginny 'Are you ok?' he asked caressing her finding her still in bed.
'I feel lousy and so tired' she answered, her face was indeed pale. 'This Ron thingy is starting to worry me very much. I don't want my family to split up.'
The night before Hermione got to their place quite late to pick Hugo up. She was dejected and weary. She told them how difficult speaking with Ron had been. At first, he didn't even want to see her. She asked him if he wanted to get a separation, but he didn't give a proper answer and, at first, he seemed inclined to want to take the kids with him there at the Burrow. However, on that point she had been adamant. He obviously wasn't in the right state of mind to take care of them and in the end, he agreed to leave them to her for the time being while they would decide on what to do. She concluded saying 'He is determined to go and pick up Rose. Alone. He will take her to us and with an excuse he will return to the Burrow. I couldn't deny that to him. You know how close they are. I'm sorry Harry but as things are standing right now I strongly advise you not to go. And only god knows what's going to happen on Christmas day.'
Resentment had started to grow in him against Ron 'What did he think he could accomplish with this behaviour?' he asked himself. Even in the unlikely case that the whole family decided to side with him and to alienate Harry from their life, would he be satisfied in making Ginny, the kids and in consequence Molly and Arthur miserable for his sake? Was he that selfish?
Why does he want to split the family up so much?
And the answer came as he was formulating the question.
Because he knows how much I value it. He doesn't care how many people will suffer to achieve this.
And the deepness of Ron's hatred scared him.
Do I deserve this?
He had always tried to do his best as a friend to pay up the debt he felt towards him. Ron had been the best of mates when he most needed it.
He refused to think this could not be mended. it was just too fresh.
Give it some more days and everything will be solved. And then I will just have to decide how long I will need to forgive him.
He tried to reassure Ginny with this idea 'I will fix this, I promise. When his anger will subside, I'll try to speak to him. He cannot hold it forever... Come down now, I will prepare some sandwiches. Lily would like to make some biscuits for the boys, I tried, and it was beyond me'
She giggled as she tried to shake away the bad feeling 'You can produce a Patronus and you cannot make biscuits?' she said rising from the bed.
'Well, it took me some time to learn and Lupin was a good teacher. You cannot expect me to achieve biscuits just like that at the first try!'
At twenty to one Ginny and Lily were ready to go. They told Lily Harry would stay behind wrapping presents. Only an excuse of that kind could make amends at his not going.
He felt bitter in having to stay behind, however. How long was it going to last?
The two families were so linked together, it was impossible for Harry and Ron not to encounter sooner or later.
And it was probably going to be sooner, Harry realised with dismay. The following day was Christmas. The whole family was invited to Shell's cottage, together with all the other Weasleys, Ted and Andromeda. To accommodate everybody, Bill and Fleur had built a big shelter in the garden protected by magic against wind and cold. Hermione was going to cast many of those blue fires, she was so good to produce, to be hanged all around in jars and they were going to have a bonfire in the middle.
All the children were overexcited about it. Lily every morning crossed out a day on her calendar and James and Albus mentioned it in almost every letter since the plan had been explained to them.
They could not miss it, and obviously Ron couldn't miss it either. Would Ron be able to overlook what was happening just for the day? By the sounds of it, Harry was obliged to acknowledge that the answer was no.
Not even an hour later he heard the door and the boys were there. They ran to hug him, something they would never had done at the platform with their friends looking. They were overjoyed to be at home, Albus was all excited to show him all his Gryffindor garments and to tell all the things he learned, James couldn't speak fast enough about the journey, the snow and all that he and his friends said and did and Lily was jumping around them delighted to have her big brothers at home and to hear about Hogwarts.
They had a very pleasant afternoon hearing and talking and a lovely dinner afterwards. The boys seemed to have endless energy. After dinner James took the lead of two young ones as they went to the living room to play before going to bed.
Harry seized the opportunity to talk to Ginny about the morrow.
'What do we do?' ha asked solemnly.
They were washing dishes together. They liked to do it by hand time to time. It gave them chance to chat about the day.
'We could stay here I guess…' she said grudgingly.
'You go and tell the kids though. I'm sure they'll take it well'
At that moment Albus ran into the kitchen in a frenzy, his face glowing with excitement 'Mum James said we could bring marshmallows tomorrow to cook on the bonfire! It is the coolest idea! Do we have any?'
Harry looked at Ginny meaningfully trying to suppress a smile, she purposely avoided to meet his gaze and answered Albus 'Yes sweetheart, we have some but I'm not going to tell you where otherwise, I'm sure, we'll run out before tomorrow'
He gave her a mischievous smile and ran back in the living room to share the news with the others.
'You were saying?' asked Harry smirking.
She shrugged her shoulders and gave a little laugh 'Ok, so what do you think we should do?' she asked playfully.
'We, nothing. You go with the kids and I'll stay here' It was a big sacrifice, and it was done reluctantly but he couldn't see any other option.
She looked at him arching an eyebrow 'That is out of the question. You aren't staying here alone for Christmas. Either we all go, or we don't go at all.'
'If Ron will be there it won't be nice, I don't want to ruin everybody's Christmas.'
She started to get upset 'You are not ruining anybody's Christmas. It is Ron, if we want to find faults, who is ruining everybody's Christmas. You shouldn't be driven away by him.'
'How was he at the platform? Was he there?'
She sighed 'Yes he was, but we didn't talk. The kids were there, and I could see he wasn't friendly toward me. He knows by now "I chose you" to say it in his words. We just exchanged formalities. And I think Rose suspects something.'
She finished rinsing the last plate giving it to Harry to dry. 'But I don't think he is going to make a scene in front of everybody. Probably he will just ignore you and that will be the end of it.'
He didn't answer. He'd like to think it was true but something in him was inclined to suspect the opposite.
'We could ask Molly's opinion. She is there she must now what we better do'
She reflected on it 'We could, but I don't know how to do it without him realising it. I should think she would notify us if we better not go though. She wouldn't leave it unsaid'.
She had a troubled expression and she was still a bit pale.
'How do you feel?' he asked taking her in his arms.
She shrugged her shoulders 'it's ok, I'm just worried. That's all.'
'It's going to be over soon. Don't worry too much about it.'
She nodded and rested her head on his shoulder.
At that moment Lily ran into the room, if possible, even more excited than Albus 'Mum James wants to build a tent in the living room and sleep all together in it tonight. Can we?'
'Yes, you can. Take all the pillows and duvets from your beds though. Not from ours!'
She emitted a shrill of pure joy and ran back to the living room.
Chapter 12 – Present opening
The next morning, as it was predictable, they had all the kids by sunrise in their bed shaking them and begging them to hurry down for present opening.
As soon as they got to the living room, they assaulted the tree, avidly grasping the boxes and, in a second, papers and bows were flying everywhere, shouts of joy echoing all around.
Every Christmas they always got more presents than they could count having so many uncles and aunts, but they were always very eager for George's one, a box each containing all the new shop's merchandise not yet on the market. Hermione's were usually a muggle present to stimulate logic. She always expressed the opinion that in the magical world it was by far too underestimated.
When Lily opened Bill and Fleur's present, a candy pink tutu, she became wild to put it on straight away. She dragged Ginny away to her room and Harry took the chance immediately to speak to the boys alone.
He called their attention from gift opening and gave them a parcel each, who received them full of interest, saying 'I was waiting for you being both at Hogwarts to give you this. They are things I got when I was at school. They were my father's and I found them extremely useful in my school days. I hope you'll use them well'
As James, who had been faster, opened his package, his old invisibility cloak, light as a feather slid on the floor. It was still in perfect condition, as silvery and gleaming as when Harry got it twenty-five years previously. James gasped 'Is it…? It seems like… Is it really…?' spluttered with wonder not believing his eyes.
Harry laughed at his amazement 'Yes, it's an invisibility cloak. Try it on'.
As James threw it over himself, he disappeared completely from their sight.
'It's amazing' Albus whispered awestruck on his side reaching out to touch it reverentially.
'This is so cool!' they heard James shouting from under it. He pulled it off and they scrutinised it mesmerised. Then Albus remembered he was still grasping his parcel, thin and smaller. He opened it in half a second full of expectancy. James, seeing appearing what he thought was just a bit of old parchment seemed disappointed, but Albus wasn't fooled by appearance 'What is it?' he asked keen.
Harry took the wand from his pocket and tapped on it saying, 'I solemnly swear that I am up to no good'.
On the parchment, after the introduction sentence, appeared a Hogwarts map. A few dots were on it. Most of the students were home for the holidays but they could see all the teachers in their offices and students in the different common rooms.
James and Albus' mouths fell open.
Harry tapped again on it 'Mischief managed'. The map returned to be a common piece of parchment.
They slowly raised their head looking at Harry still speechless with wonder.
Harry was very amused by their expression but added sternly 'You will use them together. Without arguing. You should keep them a secret as much as possible and when you, James will leave Hogwarts you'll give the Cloak to Lily. All right?' They nodded still incredulous at the world of possibilities that was opening in front of them.
'Go and hide them in your room. I'm not sure your mum would approve of this'.
James darted away in a second surely to try it on again in front of a mirror but Albus stayed behind, looking at Harry, clearly wanting to speak to him in private but not knowing how to start.
'Is there something you need to tell me?' Harry asked encouragingly.
He nodded and went to sit close to him. He started to speak slowly, hesitantly, looking at his knees 'Dad, people at school talk behind my back'
'What do you mean?' asked Harry quizzical.
'When I pass by, in the corridor, people point at me and whisper or sometimes in the common room, I see people talking and they stop abruptly when they see me. They did it with James too at the beginning. He told me. They treat us differently. They all want to be our friends.'
Harry started to understand, what happened to James in his first year was happening to Albus now.
'Is it because of you?' Albus asked innocently looking at him.
Harry sighed 'I'm afraid so.'
'James told me to ignore it, but I can see he likes it. I don't though. I would like them to stop. I don't like it. I want them to treat me like everybody else.'
It was amazing, Harry thought, how James reminded him a lot of his father as he saw him in Snape's memory so many years before. He was boisterous and attention seeking, he had a group of friends to whom he was very attached, and they were growing to be much admired in general by the younger one. He found out all of this from Neville who was always keeping an eye on them. Harry wasn't at all surprised he enjoyed the popularity so much.
Albus, on the other side, was more introverted and solitary, enjoying the company mostly of Rose. He preferred staying in the shadow and didn't cope well with popularity. He was reminded of him when he was his age.
He put an arm around his shoulders 'I understand but you see, James is right, unfortunately you cannot change it. It's only because you just got there, it will stop eventually or at least it won't be as bad as now. Just ignore it.'
He had told a little lie there. If it was as it had been for him it would never stop but it was best not to tell, he had the next six and a half years to find out.
'How can I know if somebody wants to be friends with me for real or because of you?' there wasn't any accusation in his voice but Harry nevertheless felt a pang of guilt and pity for Albus and his struggle to deal with his fame.
'You will understand. It was the same for me when I got to Hogwarts', he remembered about Draco outstretched hands toward him offering an opportunistic friendship and of Ron. And for the hundredth time in three days he asked himself again 'How in the hell did we get to this?' but he cast out the thought to answer Albus 'You will be able to see the intention behind the request of friendship.'
'Was it difficult for you too?' he asked eager.
'Yes, it was. But I have been lucky. I met Hermione and Ron. And you are even luckier than I was because you already got Rose.' He squeezed him gently trying to reassure him.
'Somebody told me you won a Triwizard tournament when you were in school. You never told me that. Why?'
Here we go again.
But willing to give Hermione's advice a try, he started to recount, slowly, weighing every word 'I've never told you because it was neither pleasant nor fair. There was another guy competing and he was older and better than me, he deserved to win, not me. A dark wizard smothered my path to allow me to get to the cup first, but we touched it together and because of it, Cedric died'.
Albus widened his eyes 'Why?' he asked in a small voice.
'The cup was a portkey and brought us to Voldemort. Cedric has been killed because they didn't want him there.' He stood up and went to the fireplace looking at the flame feeling uneasy.
Am I right telling this to an eleven year old boy?
Albus, following him with his gaze, startled at the mention of the name, all wrapped up in awe and interest.
'What happened then?' he asked again mesmerised.
Harry let his glance fall on him and saw a boy, so young still, his eager green eyes, so similar to his own, on him. He was the same age when he met Voldemort the first time, he didn't feel a child then but, as a matter of fact, he was still one. He remembered how keen he was to be told the whole truth and how Dumbledore considered him too young to know for many years yet. He had been very much angered by it, he had thought it unfair, he had felt old enough. But now, he was seeing everything from the other side. From an adult's point of view. And he realised that Dumbledore had been right. He was young. Albus was young. Too young.
He felt a tinge on his forearm where his blood was taken to give Voldemort a body again. The scar was still there reminding him of it. How could he explain Voldemort's resurrection to a child? James would get nightmares for weeks. Harry actually had them for years, and such horrific nightmares they were!
If he, who was thirty-five, still felt distress recollecting those moments, what could be the reaction of a child? That couldn't possibly be a good topic for conversation no matter what Hermione's views were on that point.
He was saved from giving an explanation by Lily, returning all exuberant with her tutu to show the whole family and James, ready to open the last presents left.
He took his chance. He complimented Lily warmly and vacated the room soon after. He felt Albus' gaze following him.
He went to look for Ginny. It was already ten o'clock and they needed still to decide in regards of Shell cottage.
She was in the bathroom, in a corner weeping, her eyes red and puffy. Alarmed he kneeled beside her.
'What's the matter?' he asked caressing her head tenderly.
'I'm worrying sick with this Ron situation. What if we go there today and he reacts the same as three days ago? In front of the kids. It is too hazardous'. She said drying her eyes with a handkerchief.
It was odd for her to get so emotional, usually she was very tough. He hugged her, moved by her disquiet over a situation that he had contributed in creating.
'It is not the end of the world.' He said consolingly 'We won't go. I'll tell the kids. We will stay here. It doesn't matter.' he added resolute.
She nodded mopping up her eyes 'Tell them I don't feel well' she said as she stood up and made for the bed.
Harry went back downstairs steadfast. It was going to be tricky. He was sure to give them a big disappointment and a possible argument was waiting for him, but Ginny was right. It was better not to go. It wasn't worth the risk.
Once in the living room he raised his voice to be heard on the loud chatting.
'Children, I need to tell you something important.'
'I'm not a child!' cried James indignant.
'Me neither!' followed Albus.
'And me neither!' repeated Lily in imitation of her brothers, with all her six years depicted on a very serious face.
They all looked at her for a second disoriented but before they could start to argue Harry announced, 'We are not going to the bonfire today, your mum is not well.'
Silence followed his announcement Albus dropped the firecracker he was holding, Lily started to whimper silently, and James let himself drop mutinously on the sofa with his arms crossed tightly 'I knew it!'
'How could you possibly know? You mum started feeling sick only five minutes ago.' asked Harry ready for the oncoming row. James was always the most difficult one to deal with.
'We know about uncle. We are not stupid you know…'
That was a bit unexpected to Harry 'How do you know?'
'Lily told us.'
Lily jumped up crying and shouting 'I just told them you had a big argument, I didn't tell them anything more, I promise!' She looked at Harry imploring, flooded with tears and he knew she was referring to her promise to Ted of not repeating what she heard.
'And anyway, even if she hadn't. What do you think? We haven't got any eyes?' continued James with a sour look.
'Watch your tone.' warned Harry sternly but James continued with the same tone purple in the face 'Aunt Hermione and you weren't on the platform. And mum and uncle barely exchanged two words together. Anybody could see it was strained. You are telling a lie.' He finished accusingly.
'Do not dare accuse your father of lying.' He replied getting warm, surely for his disrespectful tone but probably also because he had been caught in doing just that.
'You can go upstairs and check on your mother if you don't believe me. It is also true that we had a fight with Ron, and we didn't make up yet. As it is, it is unwise for us to go.'
'This is so unfair!' James shouted full of resentment.
'Get used to it.' Harry replied hoping to close the argument, but Albus started pleading 'Couldn't you just try to make up?'
'No Albus, we've been trying for a few days. He doesn't want to talk to me.' he said with finality.
'It is with you, not with us that he has got a quarrel. Why can't we go?!' James said with animosity.
Lily, still crying her eyes out, looked at his brother in anger 'This is not very nice to say. If dad won't go, I won't go!'
Please Lily never grow up! Just stay as lovable as you are forever!
He picked her up trying to calm her tears and while mastering himself to answer James composedly, Ginny appeared on his side.
'I think I feel better and we can go I daresay' she said.
Although, before they could start in jubilation, she turned to James with a reproving look 'If, and only if, I hear a felt apology from you James. You have been rude and unfeeling. You called your dad a liar when I was indeed sick and Christmas is a time for family, you should learn from your sister!' she concluded stern.
James suddenly turned white under the reproach and then quickly red, with embarrassment.
'I'm sorry dad' he said moving his daunted gaze swiftly from him to his slippers probably fearing another rebuke.
'It's all right. I know you didn't mean it.' Harry answered softened, slightly amused, by his abrupt change of tone.
He let Lily down, her tears had dried up completely the second Ginny said they would have gone.
They resumed cheering and talking again animatedly. Albus gathered his firecracker from the floor and exploded it. A purple witch hat appeared together with some flowers, Lily thrilled enthusiastically and grabbed it from under Albus' disappointed nose. James grasped greedily a big box containing a mountain of chocolate frogs and in ten seconds he had already unwrapped half of them to get all the cards inside. He heard him exclaiming disappointed toward him 'Dad I found another one of you again! I've already got four!'
Harry didn't answer as he was taking the chance to whisper to Ginny 'Are you sure you want to do this?'
She nodded 'I thought we can just go and check on the situation. If Ron is not there we can stay, but if he is, before he starts to argue we leave the kids to mum and we get back here, we will spend Christmas together, me and you. It'll be nice. And the kids won't miss the day. I'm sure when they see the bonfire, they will completely forget about us' She chuckled.
He smiled and stroke her hair 'I'm a very lucky man' he said.
'I know…' she answered playfully.
Chapter 13 – I won't fight with you
The sun was shining up in the sky, snow had fallen abundantly, and they found themselves ankle deep in it when they apparated. The sea was smooth and sparkling and a seagull was flying on it far away. It was a very beautiful and peaceful spot. Harry thought that he would have liked, once the kids would have grown and moved out, to come to live in a place like that.
The children started to run uphill toward the house, throwing snowballs against each other, their loud cheering covering the gentle rumble of the sea and the squealing of the birds.
Harry and Ginny followed behind both wondering uneasily what was expecting them.
They reached the top and everybody was already there, Albus, James and Lily had already joined the other children. They could see a knot of people talking animatedly close to the shelter. It was evident though that it wasn't a pleasant Christmassy chat, and as soon as they started to look around for any sign of Ron, Fleur reached them. Seeing the kids coming, she had run to them before they could approach the house, her hair was all dishevelled by the wind and her face greatly agitated. She spoke so fast the words were all jumbled up, her accent, never disappeared, heightened 'Harry, you must go away, right now! Ron is 'ere and…' she didn't get to finish the sentence. They perceived him detaching from the rest, Molly tried to hold him, but he shook her off brusquely. Tension was stamped on everybody's face. Harry and Ginny realised straight away they made a mistake in coming in seeing Ron approaching.
He marched steadfast with his wand clutched menacingly in his hand and a thunderous expression. Halting several feet from Harry, he bellowed looking ominously in Harry's eyes 'I told you quite clearly I don't want to see you around my family anymore.'
'This is my family too.' Harry told him back without flinching, sustaining the stare.
'It is not. It has never been. You always tried to steal it from me. But I won't allow it any longer.'
'You are raving.' Harry answered trying to understand Ron's intention. They were still in time to back away if he just would allow them to. However, he could feel that stepping back now would have only incensed Ron. He wanted to avoid at all cost a scene in front of the kids, so he kept his ground on the lookout for any opening that would allow him to extricate himself without a row.
'We are settling it today, once and for all.' Ron said pointing the wand against Harry 'No Protego spell, we duel now.'
He could see people paralyzed around them, unsure on how to behave, the children were grouped together with scared faces. He felt Ginny two steps behind him and whispered to her 'Get back, do not intervene. I have to deal with this alone.'
Ginny's eyes darted from him to Ron with apprehension, but she did as she was told, and she backed away slowly.
Harry took his wand from his pocket, and keeping at arm length, so that it was very visible to Ron, let it drop in the snow beside him.
'I won't fight with you' he stated.
Ron became scarlet with rage 'Yes, you are. You pick up that wand and you face me'
'I won't.' Harry responded resolutely. He knew that fighting Ron would just make things worse. He was sure he would have beaten him, he was fitter and overall, more skilled with magic. He had spent the last fifteen years fighting against dark magic while Ron was working in a shop. There was no way in which Ron could prevail on him. And he knew as well that if he had defeated him, here, in front of his family, everything would have been lost forever. The humiliation would have been too great.
'You can use the Cruciatus Curse on me if it will make you feel better. I deserve it. I promise I won't budge. And if you are so enraged you want to use the Avada Kedavra, well... I have already bought nineteen years of life I didn't expect to have. I'm not afraid.'
It was a bold step, and certainly he didn't want to die but he was sure that Ron wouldn't have struck him defenceless and his rage would have evaporated fast.
For a moment he thought he had been right. He saw Ron's wand waver and his expression alter from anger to indecision.
But then, the anger returned and with a swift move, he steadied his arm and without speaking he made a green light sprouting from his wand.
Everything happened very quickly.
Lily started to run, probably to try to stop Ron or to get to Harry or just wanting to stand between them. He wasn't sure which one. Harry understood that Ron's spell wasn't destined to hit him. He aimed to low. Surely, he only wanted to scare him without real intention of hurting anybody. But being a non-verbal spell, Lily didn't realise what was happening and she was in the middle of them, suddenly, at the wrong moment.
He saw it in slow-motion. The green light hit her square in the head, and he saw her falling like a doll. A pink dot keel over on the ground.
He was petrified. 'No' he whispered, but he was incapable of any movement. His mind was ordering him to run there, but his body wouldn't respond, immobilised by shock. He heard Ginny screaming and that finally unblocked him. 'No' he shouted now, and he darted to Lily's body lying in the snow. He took her in his arms, he caressed her, he shook her, but she didn't move, her eyes were closed.
He felt panic rising, he didn't know what to think, he didn't know what to do. He tried to call her but his voice was trembling, he was trembling. And the dreadful possibility made his way snakelike in his mind 'What if…?'.
No, it can't be.
Ginny got to them and took her from him. Harry was in mind-blocking shock but with the corner of his eye he spotted Ron, 'Which spell did he use?'
He sprang to his feet and in a second, he was upon him.
Ron, speechless, was looking at Lily. His freckles were more visible than ever on his white face. Harry took him by the collar and shouted, 'Which spell did you use?'
He didn't seem to hear him, his glance fixed on Lily, in Ginny's arms. Harry yanked him violently 'Which spell did you use?' he shouted even louder fighting the impulse of hitting him.
He startled, as if realising only at that moment that Harry was there and stammered 'I… it wasn't the Avada…' while this was going on between them, around was chaos. Many were screaming, all running toward them. Ted got there first and glimpsing him, Harry let go of Ron and dropped again on the ground close to them. For sure Ted could help. He was just in training but surely he could help. Ted ordered to call for a healer and he saw Arthur and Bill, at the same time, taking their wands and produce a Patronus that darted away.
Ted asked Ginny to put Lily back on the ground. Lily's dark red hair made a crown around her head, and in the snow, looked strikingly like blood. Her face was pale, and her eyes were still closed.
Ginny was panic stricken. She was trembling violently, looking at Ted in desperation and hope. She couldn't even speak.
Ted got his wand, ignited it and opening Lily's eyelids moved it in front of them. He then took her wrist and put his fingers on it waiting for the pulse.
Those were the longest seconds in Harry's life. In his head was just pounding the same phrase over and over and over again 'Pleasedon'tletherbedeadPleasedon'tletherbedeadPleasedon'tletherbedead'.
Ted's answer never came. He rested gently Lily's arm against her body and after a moment he looked at Harry. Quite simply, without speaking, his expression blank, he just stared at Harry, with those penetrating eyes of a shade of blue so light they were almost white, and Harry knew.
He felt dazed, confused. Like from very far away he heard Ginny emitting a sound he never heard before from her or anybody else. It was a long howl of pain and desperation coming from deep inside. She started to sob violently folding on herself. Her hair falling like a curtain around her head brushing Lily's chest. Molly dropped on her side and hugged her, ash face.
He saw Arthur trying to take the reluctant children away and all the others were around them aghast.
Ron was still where he left him, gazing from Lily to his hands, his eyes wet and horror struck.
And it happened then. The sight of Ron unlocked in him a fury like he never felt before. Cold and violent. Its swallowed Harry completely. He couldn't see anything that was standing in front of his eyes. He just felt this feeling getting hold of him completely. It was disempowering his reason and enhancing his instinct. And his instinct, that was stronger than anything else, wanted to see Ron dead. He didn't have his wand with him but even if he did, he wouldn't have used it. He wanted to kill him with his bare hands.
He stood up in a flash, seized Ron's shoulders and before he could realise that Harry was on him, he gathered all his strength and socked him hard right on the face. He heard a crack, something had broken. It could have been his hand or Ron's nose; he didn't know which and neither he cared. Blood sprouted from Ron's face on Harry's fist. Without letting him go he kneed him in the stomach, more blood from Ron's mouth to his coat, and when he was on the floor, he started to kick him with all the strength he could master. This intense bloody red was the only colour Harry was able to see; on his fist, on Ron's face, now unrecognisable and on the snow around them.
It incensed him even more.
Ron wasn't opposing any resistance, perhaps he had lost consciousness, it was difficult to say. In any case it didn't calm Harry at all.
When Hermione realised what was going on, she screamed in alarm and two people, he didn't know who, took him by the shoulders trying to pull him away. The anger he felt gave him an energy he normally didn't possess, he struggled to free himself and he knew that they were no match for him, he could overcome them easily. They felt it too, so one of them, that turned out to be Bill, shouted 'George do something!'.
And from far away Harry perceived George pointing his wand toward him 'Stupefy' he heard, and everything went blank.
Chapter 14 – Think about something soothing!
He regained his consciousness on the bed of the spare room. Bill and George were standing around it. Their faces were strained, they still had their wands in their hand. Meaning that they were ready to stun him again if they had to. It was an unneeded precaution, however. The violence had subsided. He felt just anger, pounding at the bottom of him like a heartbeat. It was there ready to spring out again, but for the moment it quietened.
'I'm sorry Harry, you were going to kill him, we had to do something.' George told him with a sorrowful expression.
'Where is he?'
He asked only to make sure he wasn't in the house. He didn't think he could answer of himself in case of a meeting.
'He is at St. Mungo's. You managed to do quite a bit of damage before we could intervene'
He wasn't speaking with resentment, just with a matter of fact tone 'somebody from the ministry is there. He will need to answer a few questions when he will be able to. There is going to be an investigation. It seems like he may have to go to Azkaban for a while. Hermione is there trying to see what she can do.'
Harry didn't say anything. To him it was all well-deserved, and he was just sorry dementors were not guarding the place anymore. He wanted him to be as miserable as possible there.
'How do you feel?' Bill asked. He turned slowly to look at him. His expression hardened and the pounding inside him grew steadily 'What do you think?' and under his gaze, Bill lowered his on the floor.
He left the room, he needed to get out, to get some air and be alone. He felt this mix of confused feeling rising: anger, panic, pain threatening to burst out any moment and he didn't know what to do to control them.
Going toward the door he heard a voice he didn't recognise, coming from the living room.
'Probably it was just a stunning spell but cast with such a violence on the head of a six years old child…' he looked in there and the shock was as strong as a blow. He felt all the air leaving his lungs as if somebody slapped him hard on the face.
On the sofa there was Lily's body, limp and lifeless.
He wasn't prepared, he didn't want to have to see this. It was too much.
He felt in him a sickness building up very fast, together with an anger so powerful it was uncontrollable; it was standing between him and everything else and against everything and everybody. The pounding grew so much to make him deaf to all that was around him.
Ginny was still crying, and Molly was holding her while speaking with who, he now knew, was the healer. Ted was there too. The first realising he was there. He didn't try to approach him or to speak to him. He just looked at him and from that look Harry understood that probably he alone knew what was happening inside him.
Then Ginny saw him too. Her face was full of pain and affliction. It was torture to Harry to see that face. He didn't soften him, it just made him even angrier.
He hastened out of house, in the need to be out immediately. With the corner of his eyes he saw Ginny about to follow him, but Ted got hold of her and shook his head.
He felt thankful for it. He didn't want to confront Ginny and talk about it, not knowing what his reaction could be. He didn't trust himself.
As soon as he was at back of the house, he threw up violently in the snow. He felt all those fierce feelings going out from him through the sickness, emptying his body and his mind completely until when, only a bleak numbness was left.
He stood immobile kneeling in the snow for a while, when he succeeded in standing up, he leaned against the wall looking in the garden. Nobody was around. Probably everybody was to tend to the business death always calls to. The trees were barren and grey. In front of him was the place where many years before he interred Dobby.
Everything was happening again. Why was he doomed to see so many people he loved die around him?
How many had he witnessed going before their time?
He always thought that, after Voldemort, he wouldn't have to behold this again. He felt safe and for that reason unprepared.
Why did life have to be so unfair to him? Didn't he deserve to be happy now?
Why my Lily?
He could hear her voice just a few hours before saying 'If dad won't go, I won't go!'
Thinking about her made him harden. He felt something closing down in him. He had to protect himself somehow. He didn't want to suffer like this anymore! He must shut it out otherwise he would become mad with grief.
And Lily again 'We can be each other's birthday present'
This is hell! I've to stop this!
What can I do?
Think about something soothing!
Yes, but what? What?
He recalled, when at seventeen after Voldemort tried to kill him again, he met Dumbledore in that white space, he thought he had died then, and it was so nice, so peaceful. How lovely it would be to go there again. Be in peace.
It meant death though.
Do I want to die?
It would have been a relief in a way. Life from now on would have been hellish. This was not something he could forget sooner or later. It would have been there accompanying him like a cancer, forever. There was no escape.
Death is an escape. And a sweet one as that.
He pondered about it seriously for some moments but then he thought about Ginny and the boys and he knew it wasn't an option. He couldn't do this to Ginny.
I must stay here and bear it.
He didn't move from that wall until evening. The wintery darkness, with his frost, downed around him. He was immune to everything however. He didn't feel neither cold, nor hungry, nor thirsty. Weariness maybe. He longed for some sleep. He longed for the oblivion sleep could give him. But he didn't want to meet anybody. Not yet.
After some time, Ted appeared. The moon was up in the sky and he could see his contour quite easily. Of all the people he was the least unwelcome. He knew he wouldn't have pestered him with silly questions, tears or requests.
'I've just come to tell you that Ginny and Molly are going to the Burrow. The funeral will be in the cemetery of the town at ten o'clock. We thought it was better than in London. You can go there now or tomorrow as you prefer. Bill said that he doesn't mind if you want to stay for the night.' His tone was flat and devoid of emotions, Harry knew he was probably grieving too, he loved Lily dearly, but he exerted himself in not showing it. He knew it wasn't the right move with him.
'Where…?' he couldn't bring himself to pronounce Lily's name and anyway Lily was no more. It was just her body and it didn't matter where it was. He just didn't want to see it again.
Ted understood the unfinished question 'She is at St. Mungo's. They will keep her until tomorrow. It seemed best.'
'I will go to the Burrow. Later. They don't need to wait for me.' He planned to get there when everybody was sleeping. He didn't want to see any of them.
Reading his thought Ted said 'I told them to leave you alone, but you will have to speak to them eventually. Especially to Ginny. Don't let these bad feelings take over you.' he tailed as he returned back to the house.
Too late.
Harry got to the Burrow a few hours later. Everything was quiet. A note left on the door informed him that a camp bed in Ginny's old room was made for him and a change of clothes was in the living room if he wanted to have a shower. Some food was in the kitchen if he was hungry.
He would take a shower. A hot shower would have been nice, he felt suddenly shivering and cold in the warmth of the house, it couldn't therefore come from the frosty night outside, it must have been something from the inside.
As he was undressing, he noticed his hand still covered with Ron's blood now dried. He observed it a few moments mildly interested. It was strange to remember the violence overtaking him just hours before. He felt nothing now. Just nothing. Perhaps the starry night had calmed him somehow.
He was in a kind of odd trance. He would do the things he had to do but not thinking too much beyond it. Take a shower, change your clothes, brush your teeth and that's it. He didn't need to think about anything else to keep going.
He didn't touch the food left for him. Only the thought of it made him feel sick again. He would just go to bed. He felt so tired. He was looking forward so much to that blissful nothing that was waiting for him.
The room was dark and silent. Ginny was sleeping and Harry was thankful for it. He realised when he got in bed that this was going to be the hard part. When lying without doing anything one thoughts start to wander and they cannot be stopped, hardly one can direct them. Now, it was going to be difficult not to think about Lily.
'Keep your mind clear' he ordered himself 'if you fall asleep quickly then it will be sweet nothing for a few hours.' It was very difficult however not to think about the morrow. The funeral was waiting for him threatening to wake the pounding in him again.
He would control it. He would be strong, and he would sleep. He had just to think about something soothing again.
'Think about the white place' he told himself. And with that serene memory he managed to slip in a dreamless sleep.
Chapter 15 – Don't touch me
When he woke up in the morning, for a fraction of a second, he was sure to be in his bed in London. But he wasn't. And the awareness of it came too soon. He wished with all his soul it could be possible to sleep forever. Never to wake up.
The day before appeared in his mind with brutality.
Lily was dead and there was nothing he or anybody could do about it.
Feeling himself too close to the border that separated himself from a pit of desperation he started to repeat to himself like a mantra 'Do not think, do not think, do not think' and keeping it going in his mind he started to dress. Some of his clothes had appeared out of nothing on his bed. Somebody must have been to his place to get them. They were formal muggle clothing. A white shirt, black trousers and black jacket. He didn't wear the tie. He hated to feel his neck constricted in what looked like a noose.
Ginny wasn't there. Her bed was unmade. Again, he was relieved. He didn't know what he could have told her, and he wasn't ready for her tears that would remind him why they were there and not in London at home.
The light coming from the window told him that it was probably almost time to go. He was glad his mantra was working. He just felt very weary but nothing more.
Molly was serving breakfast to Albus, James and Ginny. Her expression sombre. When she saw Harry, she addressed him a sad smile 'Good morning Harry. Sit down so you can have breakfast.'
'No Molly, I'm not hungry. I will wait outside until it is time to go.' he replied.
Ginny didn't look at him. She was lost in her grief, a toast in her hand she wouldn't take to her mouth.
In front of her James looked at Harry for a moment and then quickly averted his eyes. He read in them something he had never seen there before when looking at him. Fear.
He wasn't too surprised by it. He had just seen his dad, who never and ever laid hand on them, beating a friend almost to death, his uncle. No wonder he was a bit unsettled. He was probably discovering a whole new dad he didn't know the existence of.
Albus on the other side had eyes only for Ginny. He was looking at her with a pitiful expression of longing, heartbroken to witness. His food lied untouched on his plate.
There weren't any tears from them, and Harry couldn't imagine what was passing in their heads. It seemed they hadn't realised what happened yet. A quivering voice in his mind interrupted his mantra to remind him of his role as a father, he should have talked to them, comfort them. But how could he do that without admitting Lily's death? It was impossible. He had to focus on not thinking. He had to detach from anything it would take away his mind from it.
Therefore, before he could start to feel pity for the scene, he made for the outside. It was another gorgeous sunny day that didn't represent the hurricane that was devastating his family.
A bird was chirping unconcerned with Lily's death and the chickens were pecking the ground without a worry in the world.
He sat on a fence looking without seeing, his mind blank, waiting.
When they got to the cemetery there was a small crowd, it was a wonder how in the space of a day all these people could have been informed. Luna was there, and Dean, and Seamus with their families. It was a long time since he'd seen them. Hermione was there with the kids, all his colleagues and all the Chudley Cannons team, Minerva McGonagall, Neville and many people he didn't recognise. The cemetery keeper had been confounded evidently. It didn't happen that often to see such a crowd in a small cemetery of the countryside.
Harry felt indifferent, he just hoped nobody would try to speak to him, he didn't want to acknowledge a single person.
They gathered around the hole in the earth. The coffin, so small, was suspended on it. It was a pang that threatened to destroy all the work he was doing not to face reality.
He looked in front of him without focusing on anything. He took a big breath and started the mantra again 'do not think, do not think, do not think' but it was getting so difficult with that small coffin in front of him.
Ginny's brothers made a semicircle around them like guardian angels. Charlie was there too, he realised it now. Molly was keeping Ginny in her arms both faces were covered with tears. The boys were looking at the grave with a hollow expression. Albus was clenching convulsively the end of Ginny's coat and James was standing behind, on Bill's side looking for the fatherly sustain that Harry was incapable of providing.
Then his wandering eyes fell on a small photo posed on the coffin.
He didn't know who choose it, but he remembered that picture. It was him who took it.
They were in a park last summer; they brought a kite with them. It had been Harry's idea and the kids were all eager to try this unusual muggle toy. He had explained to Lily how to work it, she had started to run with the kite in her hand and when it took flight, she looked at him, radiant with joy at her success and he took the picture at that moment. She was moving, laughing, looking at him, her red hair full of sun moving against the wind.
That was too much, he couldn't pretend not to see what was in front of him any longer.
He remembered her only two days before with her face and hands whitened by flour while making biscuits with Ginny, she was laughing then too. And he suddenly realised at that precise moment that never more he would hear her laugh, never more he could hug her, he would never hear the voice that would sooth him when he was troubled. She would never grow up to go to Hogwarts or become a woman. All her wishes and childish dreams would never be realised. And never, anymore, he would see her Lily again.
The monstrosity of the word 'never', that erected an insurmountable barrier in front of everything that was so dear to him, took possession of his mind. He felt like he was drowning in it.
Somebody had started to speak, saying something about tragedy but he couldn't hear or see properly, obfuscated by his own nerve-wracking reflections, his heart was pounding like mad in his chest 'I need to get away from here' he thought. He couldn't endure to hear empty words about tragedy, he wasn't ready to have to listen to all the people that afterward would have wanted to shake hands or say how sorry they were. They couldn't even imagine what was happening in him now. What would he do with condolences?
He had to get away right then. He could feel his anger mounting at the injustice of this. He was powerless. There was absolutely nothing he could do to change the situation, and this incensed him still more. It was madness coming upon him. He felt like shouting, destroying things.
I must get away!
He had always known all his life to be hot tempered, that created him problems in the past. For that reason, growing, he had worked on it, finally managing to keep his anger down, not to let it run away with him. He would always try not to get upset because he knew how his hot temper was blinding and overwhelming once awakened. He would always try to avoid arguments and he was letting go of many things he didn't like because he didn't want that to happen.
But now it seemed he lost the ability. It didn't work anymore. He couldn't stop this feeling taking over.
He tried to command himself.
While the man was still saying nonsense about life and death, he leaned toward Ginny and between his teeth he said 'I must leave. Now.'
She turned at him in surprise, her face was streaked with tears.
Harry saw her mouth forming a 'No' but at the verge of speaking it, she looked in his eyes, stopped in her track and nodded slowly.
He wasn't sure what she saw in them and he would have gone anyway no matter what she said. He wasn't asking her, only informing. And even that costed him much.
He turned around and quickly passed between the crowd that opened up for him. People were following him with their gaze probably taken aback but nobody tried to stop him. They saw in his face that it was unwise.
In a second, he was on the street and without knowledge of what he was doing, without pausing to check if muggles were passing by, he thought about home and disapparated.
A moment later he was in front of the door and almost put it down in his haste to get inside. As if in it there could be something that could placate the rage he felt. There was nothing that could help him there, but everything to make it worst. Pictures staring from the walls, Lily's toys lying around, her room. He walked to the bathroom to escape all of it and opened the sink's tub. He splashed his face with icy cold water and paused there with his hands on it listening to the mad pounding of his rage. And then he slowly raised his eyes to the mirror. He saw his face, his expression heinous. He saw his eyes, there was only hatred in them.
He couldn't keep it in any longer.
With a cold fury he grasped something that was on the sink and smashed the mirror. Blood started to gush from cuts on his hand. He didn't feel the pain. He went to the kitchen unsure of what he would do. It was there pounding stronger and stronger, he had to let it out at all cost.
As soon as he appeared in it, he heard a voice coming from Aunt Muriel's portrait 'How was the…'
He didn't let her finish. He didn't want to hear what was probably going to be a question about the funeral. That petulant voice set him off. It unleashed all the vicious energy he was trying to repress. He threw the first thing he could lay hand on against the portrait that fell on the floor with a thud.
And then it was havoc.
He lost control completely over himself. He didn't know what he was doing, he only knew that the fury that got hold of him the day before when beating Ron was back, ferocious and savage.
He took it out on anything was passing under his hands or feet. He smashed, crushed and wrecked whatever he could grasp. It was destruction. He was hurting himself; he was slightly aware of it. Some fingers had fractured but the fierceness in him was so strong it didn't leave space for any other sensation.
But that was exactly what he wanted. He longed to feel physical pain that could distract him from the mental one. He grabbed a piece of a broken glass from the floor and ripping the shirt's sleeve slashed his skin with it several times, but it wasn't helping, he could barely feel it.
Like an animal in a cage, he walked up and down. His head was in his hands and a roar erupted from it, it was like going crazy. There was no escape.
Then, still keeping his head in his hands, he sat in a corner.
The anger was there, edging everything. Ready to strike again. He didn't dare to move; it was a spring ready to dart. He didn't dare to move not to trigger himself.
It was impossible to know how long had passed. It could have been minutes or hours. He just knew that after a while, the door's lock clicked, and Ginny and the boys were in the house. He couldn't see them, but knew exactly what was happening. A sudden gasp: it was Ginny as she saw him. Instinctively she tried to stop the boys from coming forward to hide the sight from them, but it was too late. They stood transfixed in front of the kitchen taking in the devastation and he, wrecked and battered, was sitting in the middle of it. He heard Ginny tell the boys to go to their room.
She then walked slowly toward him. 'Harry' she said tentatively. But she didn't have to touch him. He could feel the anger pounding, he didn't know what would have happened if she had touched him. Something unpleasant, he was sure of it. He had to warn her, he had to fight the monster raging in him to caution her. He tried to speak but just a low and aggressive growl came out from his mouth. Ginny recoiled frightened. 'Don't touch me' he snarled.
He had to protect his family from himself. He stood up in haste and ran from the house.
Chapter 16 – I need my wand
He walked randomly, tirelessly; he didn't know which way he took nor where he was going. The throbbing in his head wasn't abating. All his muscles were contracted and rigid, all his sensations numbed by the disarray swirling in his head.
After marching a few blocks in this condition, he slowed down out of breath. The confusion decreased enough to allow him to take in what was going on. It was now dark, in a wintery cold night, he had got out without a jacket and started to shiver. His shirt was ripped, the cuts he had inflicted himself were losing blood that needed to be stopped somehow and his right hand was pulsating, two fingers were painful and stiff.
He didn't know where he was, lost in London's mazes made of council houses and dingy alleys, without a wand, vulnerable.
There was a pharmacy not far and he got inside. The white light blinded him for a moment and his body started shacking once the muscles relaxed in the warmth of the shop.
Behind the counter, a bald, old muggle with round glasses was stocking some shelves giving him his back, when he turned to serve him he gaped. Harry's appearance was wild and dishevelled.
'I've been assaulted, I need some bandages.' Harry explained flatly.
'My dear boy, you need to go to the hospital' the old man replied alarmed, but then observing the cuts on his forearm, a bit too neat, he faltered.
'They seem like glass cuts to me…' he added, as doubt was taking the place of alarm. He opened his mouth to ask for an elucidation, but Harry interrupted him 'I've been assaulted, and I need some bandages.' He repeated aggressively thrusting a £20 note on the counter.
The old man, growing afraid by his behaviour, disappeared quickly in the back and returned with what was asked avoiding any other exchange.
Taking the merchandise, he left the shop. He clumsily wrapped his arm tightly while the cold was biting on his skin again, causing violent tremble. There could have been many possible ways to right the situation with a wand, but without, not many. Not with a mind so foggy as it was at that moment. It didn't give him any other option but to return home. And he complied, all his reasoning powers debilitated.
Ginny and the kids were having dinner. He wasn't registering well what was happening around him yet, not even that the kitchen was back in order. He just needed a wand.
'I need your wand' he said to Ginny.
'Harry what…' Ginny asked alarmed seeing his shirt and the bandages popping out from it.
'I NEED YOUR WAND I SAID!' he shouted aggressively.
Ginny winced, her eyes widening in fright. The kids were frozen in terror, their gaze darting from one to the other.
'It's on my bed side table.' she murmured leaning against the table for support.
He was gone from the kitchen as soon as he got the answer shutting himself in the room, and with Ginny's wand he started to pronounce incantations to heal the cuts on his forearm. He tried his best on his hand, but it was more difficult not knowing exactly what was wrong with it. Going to St. Mungo's was out of the question however. The idea to meet or to speak with anybody was unbearable.
He tried a few spells, and, in the end, he managed to open and close his hand without pain. It was enough.
He laid on his bed fully clothed praying to fall asleep as soon as possible because being awake was the nightmare he wanted to wake up from. He did eventually, but it wasn't the restful doze he was looking for.
Confused visions crowded his mind. Bad dream after bad dream following one another.
Flashes of images muddled, transforming continuously. New and old nightmares blending in a muddy pool of shapes and colours. Lily dropping down hit by Voldemort, him tied to Tom Riddle's tomb stone, in the graveyard, uncapable to move, and Ron was suddenly Voldemort killing her and then his own devilish face looking at him from the mirror. Only that it wasn't his face any longer, he was him, he was Voldemort! A ferocious Voldemort killing Ron. And then Lily on the snow again, her hair becoming blood, flowing everywhere, expanding in a blinding red puddle around her body, and Ted's eyes where he could see a reflection of his sickened soul, a sickened soul that hit Ron… And he would wake up for a brief instant to fall again in the same uneasy slumber, more than once, in an endless succession of ghastly visions.
That night, sleep, didn't offer him the nothing he was hoping to get. Quite the opposite. He made him live everything that happened in the previous days, over and over.
He didn't wake up rested, but exhausted, more so than when he went to sleep.
He hadn't screamed as he had done in the past when having his nightmares, Ginny would have woken him up. She would have soothed him.
But Ginny hadn't slept there at all, he was alone.
A twinge of longing for her pervaded him for an instant, replaced very quickly by a riled bitterness.
So much the better.
He didn't want to be close to any human being, Ginny especially. He couldn't bear her tears. It made Harry feel even worse, even more angry. He didn't want to explore why it made him feel that way, but he knew. He just wanted to suppress Lily's death as he had always done with what had pained him in his life but probably the cup was to full. And Ginny crying wouldn't allow him to try anyway. He knew he was behaving unreasonably but he didn't feel up to the task of comforting her and he didn't want to feel guilty about it. His hands were full already trying to master the fury inside him.
She had been in the room though. He was covered with a blanket and her wand had disappeared. She probably didn't trust him with it.
He considered his options. He could have gone to the Shell cottage to retrieve his own, but it would have meant to see the spot where Lily had died, and he couldn't bring himself to it.
He must get out however, in an impulse to escape his family full of needs he couldn't satisfy. He needed to be alone.
Going to work was the best solution. Hardly anybody would be in the office on the 27th of December. It would have been safe and quiet.
Ginny was waiting for him downstairs.
'Where are you going?' she asked observing him putting his jacket on.
'To work' he answered shortly.
'It's the 27th of December'
He didn't reply and made to the door.
'Harry…' she followed and tried to stop him reaching out, but his reflexes were good. He caught her wrist before she could touch him.
It was so thin and fragile he felt he could have broken it easily if he wanted to.
He looked at her white scared face, she was slightly in pain, but he didn't free her yet. He talked slowly to make sure she would get every word of what he was about to say, anew he had to warn her.
'For your own good, and mine, stay away from me.'
That simple contact with her skin was triggering something vicious in him, his dangerous new-self was begging to be unleashed. It must be controlled. He gathered all his strength and released her. A split second later he was out in the drizzling street of London, walking as fast as he could to distance himself from that house, not to hurt her.
As he had foreseen the Ministry was almost empty. Only a few people were there. Nobody tried to get close to him, probably seeing from his expression or out of sensitivity that it wasn't the right thing to do. He could see from the pity on their face that they knew though.
Of course! Everybody knows what is happening to Harry Potter.
He was so sick of it. That's why he liked the muggle word. Nobody would give a damn about him there.
He kept himself busy up to the evening. It was heaven to have his mind on something concrete and he felt slightly better while working. He was on a new case, a potentially dangerous wizard that was suspected in having performed already a few Imperius Curses against muggles to make them kill each other in very gruesome manners. The pictures attached to the files would have made anybody who wasn't accustomed to these kind of things, extremely sick.
It was full of those deranged individuals in those days. Some were just fools, attention seeking, while some others turned out to be quite dangerous, like this one for example. All of them were united in using slight variations of Voldemort's name. It was keeping the whole department very busy and there was always work to be done. However, everything was difficult without a wand; erasing words on parchment, refilling his ink bottles, tidying pictures and files… He felt uneasy and clumsy. He had to get his own back.
When he was done for the day, he got his jacket and took the lift to the main floor. The place was completely quiet now, and his steps on the marble floor reverberated in the wide and empty space.
After the Hogwarts' battle, when he was seventeen, the statue, had been changed again. At first, it had been talked to build one of him with his wand pointing against Voldemort's body lying defeated, but he opposed himself with such violence to the project that they had to abandon it. In the end they opted for one, white and shining, where a wizard and a witch were standing in the centre, on their respective side there was a centaur and a house elf all looking fiery and under their feet the body of Voldemort. It stood to represent the unity of different races in front of the danger.
It didn't exactly report the truth.
Centaurs, after having participate to the battle, had disappeared in the forest refusing to get in contact with humans any longer and most of the house elves were still enslaved. Most because of their own choice obviously. Hermione was still fighting her battle to help them and slowly, through education of the young ones, things had started to change, some of them had been freed, some had asked for it and they were now employed and paid for their job. But it was the minority, they were still in a weak position in the magical world.
He didn't use the floopowder to get home. He felt like walking being quite sedate. But it didn't last long, as he was getting near to his place uneasiness started to get hold of him again. Ginny and the kids were there confused and terrified by his behaviour, so different from what it used to be. He wasn't any longer the Harry they once knew and loved, a new Harry that couldn't be controlled, full of hatred and resentment, had taken that place.
He would have to pain them, and himself, because he could not be what they wanted him to be. He wasn't that person anymore.
As he was expecting, Ginny was there, waiting for him. A presence that was only making him confront to his inadequacy in a mute reproach.
He didn't greet or kiss her affectionately as he would have done in the past when returning from work. He kept a safe distance.
'I need my wand.' he said austere 'You must go to Shell cottage and get it for me.'
But, in front of him, there wasn't the whining and scared Ginny of the previous days. She was the tough one Harry was used to.
A flash of fire passed in her eyes.
'I'm not your slave. I won't allow you to boss me around'.
'I'll go by myself then' he concluded overtaking her and going for the room.
'You will not find it there' she said after him.
'Why?'
'I've been there today, and I've got it here.'
'Give it to me then' he said reaching out.
'I won't. I need to talk to you about something and you must hear me out. When I'm done you can have it.'
Perhaps because her face was stern without any trace of tears and so determined, he followed her to the living room, but he didn't sit down. He would listen and then get out.
'I sent James and Albus to the Burrow. I thought it was best since...' she didn't complete the sentence, but he could complete it for her.
Since I'm behaving insane and I'm positively dangerous.
He didn't say it aloud and waited for the rest. Surely, she wasn't bothering him only for this. After a few seconds of silence however, irritated by it, he urged her 'Are you waiting for my approval or what?'
She shook her head losing her confidence. But losing her confidence she was also losing her grip on him.
'I'm worried about you. I think you should come with me to St. Mungo's to get…'
He interrupted her 'I'm not going anywhere. My arm is fine. I mended it by myself'
'I'm not talking about your arm.' She replied looking fixedly at him.
Harry getting her meaning barked, his eyes flashing 'Are you calling me mad?'
Ginny didn't reply faltering under his gaze.
'I don't want to talk to you anymore. Give me my wand.'
'I must talk to you about Ron as well' she let out quickly, fearing his reaction.
'I said I don't want to talk to you anymore, especially about Ron. Nothing you have to tell me about him can interest me in any way. I want my wand'
She started panicking, fretting and talking faster 'Harry, you must listen to me. You must speak to the right people to set him free. He is in Azkaban, he tried…'
Harry didn't let her finish 'Ginny, stop talking this instant. Do you seriously think I care?' He yelled in a temper. 'Do you seriously think I would use my influence, which by the way, I have never used, to free him?' he was bewildered by what was asked of him. How could she possibly believe he would do something of the kind for Ron after what had passed?
'Perhaps you are working under the delusion that when I beat Ron it was out of shock and I didn't mean to. You are wrong. I knew what I was doing. I wanted to kill him. I would do it again given the chance.'
He was speaking slowly and sharply now, and he could see the shock on Ginny's face. He went on 'For what concerns me, he can fuck himself and die in there.'
As he said it, he left the room, he didn't care about his wand anymore, he just had to get away from her. He didn't trust himself.
Ginny stood there, looking at him leaving. She didn't try to follow nor to speak.
She just stood there, in silence.
Chapter 17 – Now, you know what I'm feeling.
That night he woke up thirsty, Ginny was still sleeping somewhere else in the house, Harry didn't know where, but probably in Lily's room. A place he was avoiding with care.
Going down the stairs he heard voices coming from the kitchen. He softened his steps not to make any noise and stopped beside the threshold to listen.
It was Ginny, she was talking with Molly through the fireplace.
'…. I know, but I don't know what to do…' she was speaking under her voice, her tone anxious and she was crying.
She is always crying now.
'I don't recognise him anymore. He scares me, he has got that look! So full of anger and hate! I feel he may hurt me if I get too close.'
Don't get any closer then.
She was referring to him obviously. He didn't move, he was scarcely breathing not to be heard.
Now Molly was replying 'Ginevra, I don't know… Ted said to leave him alone. I don't know if it's wise to pressurize him. It must be awful after all that had happened in his life to lose Lily too. He loved her so much'. He could hear emotion in her voice and his heart started to beat quicker.
Yes, I loved her very much.
And that sentiment crystallized again in that feeling of anger and resentment that was haunting him every day now.
'I cannot watch him going through this and do nothing. I cannot! He didn't eat anything since it happened. I have no idea how he can still stand and then, he is still wearing the same clothes as the funeral. He hasn't changed not even to go to sleep, his shirt is all bloody and ripped, he doesn't even seem to notice and….' She faltered '…I'm not sleeping in the same bed with him anymore. I can feel he doesn't want me there... I don't understand. I loved her too, I'm suffering too!' new tears started to fall from her eyes.
Slowly and silently he got back to the room. He didn't need to hear anything else. He felt upset against her for confiding this to Molly, she pictured him like a mad man!
But then, in a moment of clarity, he realised that she was right.
He hadn't changed since the funeral, and he was indeed still wearing that shirt. He was sane enough to see an alarming symptom.
Surely he didn't want to be carried in St. Mungo's because he was believed crazy by everybody. He had, at least, to give the appearance to be a man in control of his faculties.
He undressed, put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket, took a shower, shaved and changed the bed's linen.
Normal things, normal people do.
He slipped under the duvet this time, to sleep like a person who hasn't got a trouble in the world. His wand was on the bed side table. Ginny must have left it there while he was sleeping. Relief pervaded him, he took it and holding it in his hand, like a talisman that could save him from distress, nodded off.
The next morning, after another nightmarish and restless night, he made sure to be out before Ginny would awake not to be pestered with requests of him eating. He knew it was already days since the last time he ate but he still wasn't hungry, and he wouldn't force himself to do it.
Another day was spent quietly at work in the silence of the empty ministry. He felt tempted to spend the night there. There was a sofa and it happened before, when he had to stay late, to use it. But he thought how worried Ginny would have been, and despite his new-self kind of relished in the idea of hurting her, the old Harry prevailed, and, with a heavy heart, he started to get back.
Ginny wasn't waiting for him at the door this time and he was glad. Perhaps she finally understood he wanted to be left alone.
He got to the room and sat on the bed limply taking his head in his hands. He was tired, so completely and overwhelmingly tired.
How long is this going to last? Is it going to be like this forever?
Then he heard Ginny's voice, she was in the room, close to the door observing him. She had a determinate expression 'I want you to eat something' she said.
'I'm not hungry' he replied hoping she would go away.
'It's four days you are not eating! You must have something!'
'I ate something at work' he lied.
'I know you didn't'
'Ginny, please, leave me alone.' He begged her trying to keep the irritation, ready to spurt out, under control.
She didn't say anything but didn't leave staring at him. Tears started to pour from her eyes.
The annoyance took possession of him immediately 'Ginny, do me a favour and stop crying for heaven's sake!' he said harshly. How could she not understand that tears just enrage him more?
'Why are you behaving this way?' she said sobbing.
'Why?!' he looked at her exasperated 'What do you think? Does nothing come to your mind that happened on Christmas day?' he asked nastily.
'I know you are suffering, but I'm suffering too!'
In hearing this he stood up, fury getting hold of him, the pounding in his head reawaken straight away, deafening.
'You are suffering?' he asked advancing on her menacingly.
She nodded and backed up against the wall, scared. He got in front of her, very close 'You are suffering?' he shouted slamming a hand on the wall just a few inches from her face. She flinched and stopped to cry instantly, terrified.
'Let me explain something to you. I had to go through this over, and over, and over, in my life. I have seen people dying around me more than I can count. I had to live with this all these years. And now it happened again, and I have never loved anybody as I loved Lily.' He bowed to have her face in front of his own, to be able to look straight into her eyes, just a few inches from each other. His voice was almost a growl, his eyes, full of that anger he felt, pointing on her 'And now, you come here, and you tell me that you are suffering. Think better! You don't know what suffering means. You have no clue of what's happening inside me'.
He stepped away, his head throbbing harder than ever. He had to get away from her before something unpleasant happened.
A sob escaped her. She didn't realise how dangerous he was at that moment. She caught up with him reaching out for his shoulder 'You could explain it to me! I only want to help you! Just tell me how!'.
At being touched his fury exploded. Everything was blurred in front of his eyes. He didn't want to be touched. He knew that something nasty would have happened, he had warned her, and she hadn't listened. Now she had to pay the consequences of it.
He turned and got her wrist clenching it and twisting it, this time with force. 'Do you want to understand? Do you want to help me?' he growled again. He saw her in pain, frightened, but yet, she nodded.
'All right' he said maliciously, 'I'll explain it to you' and she pushed her on the bed. He took off his sweater throwing it on the floor and unbuttoned his belt.
'Harry, what…?' she said trying to stand up. He pushed her back again. Quickly he tore down her trousers and knickers. She was alarmed now, she struggled trying to stop him, tears in her eyes 'Harry please, don't...'
Harry forced her back violently, got her wrists roughly with one hand and blocked them on the top of her head, 'You said you wanted to understand, didn't you? You said you wanted to help' He said looking in her eyes with venom 'This is how you can help me'.
He drove himself between her thighs, immobilising her with the weight of his body, and was inside her quickly and brutally. He started to move with force trying to placate his wrath. She couldn't possibly take pleasure out of it. He knew it, and it was as he wanted it. He didn't want her to feel any pleasure in it. He wanted her to suffer. He wanted her to share what he was feeling inside.
Powerlessness.
Powerlessness in front of something so much stronger than you.
Pain.
Pain that, doesn't matter how hard you fight, will subdue you.
And devastation.
That was all it was left in him.
She didn't struggle. She didn't try to free herself. She submitted passively, tears filling her hollow eyes, to what he was doing.
Harry kept going until he could resist no longer, the culminating moment came, impetuously, extinguishing the fury that was raging in him in a last poisonous thought:
Now, you know what I'm feeling.
And then he was empty of all emotions.
He let Ginny's hands go and fell on her panting. The anger was gone. The pounding was gone.
The void in him lasted only for a couple of seconds. Two seconds of mercy in his devastated mind.
But it was only like when the sea is retracting, before the tsunami comes, destroying everything. His mind was leaving space for grief. And grief hit him hard. An ache so powerful, and deep, overcame him entirely.
Those three days of anger and hate accumulated in him turned in something much worse.
And he wept.
He wept in pain, sobs reverberating in all his body. He cried for Lily, for himself, for Ginny and for his kids. He cried for all that happened to him in the past and what was happening now. He couldn't stop.
Ginny was still lying under him, immobile and traumatised, her chin trembling, tears sliding silently.
When she heard him weeping, however, she stiffened in surprise.
Slowly, she encircled him with her arms, embracing him tightly and kissed his head.
Harry cried, until he hadn't any tears left. They cleaned his mind from all that had tormented him. When they stopped, he was quiet, and empty again. Exhausted.
Ginny slipped from under him and cuddled him lovingly.
He felt like he had been sick for a very long time, weakened by an illness. He closed his eyes under Ginny's caresses.
Caresses he didn't deserve. A love he didn't deserve.
After a few minutes Ginny left the room. She was soon back, with a cup of fuming tea. She kneeled on the floor beside him. 'Drink this, it will make you feel better'.
He didn't take the cup and looked at her. Her pale face was illuminated by the moon's light coming from the window. The curve of her neck looked like it was painted, her skin smooth and fair. She was so delicate and beautiful. And he felt so much love for her that it pained him. He felt revolted at what he had done 'Ginny… I'm sorry. I'm a monster.'
She shook her head with a small smile 'It doesn't matter, don't worry about it'.
'But it does matter!' he replied, 'You just wanted to help me, and I…' he couldn't say aloud what he did, so repulsive it seemed to him now 'I'm a horrible human being.'
'I think it did help you and you are not horrible. You are a lovely person really, just very much troubled. Don't think about it anymore.' She kissed him and he raised on his elbow to take the cup offered.
He sipped in silence the hot drink that comforted his spirit. The guilt was remaining however, one more scar to add to the multitude he already had, on his skin and underneath, that could never be erased 'I don't really know what I've done to deserve you.'
'Well, you defeated the darkest wizard of all times. That deserves a prize I believe.' she said looking at him tenderly and caressing his head.
He smiled at her 'You are the best thing that ever happened to me, and I would fight him hundreds of times more to have you.'
'You have me already.'
His stomach growled noisily, and Ginny smiled this time 'Let's go to the kitchen. And Harry…?'.
'Mmh?'
'I'm glad to have you back.'
Chapter 18 - Remorse
It was a long night for them. Ginny had insisted to hear all Harry's life from beginning to end. She wanted to know it all. He was too weak to oppose resistance and anyhow, after the treatment she had received from him, she couldn't have anything denied. He opened up to her: his joyless childhood, all that he had to confront while at Hogwarts, Cedric's death, Sirius and Dumbledore's death. The confusion, the pain of those years, the struggle. The incessant threat of Voldemort. The fear to die and then the realisation he had to die to finish him off. He told her that he saw her on the Hogwarts ground minutes before going towards death and the longing for her. He told her about his parents, Sirius and Lupin appearing to him to accompany him in his journey and how he survived.
He told her everything and, in the end, he had to admit that she was right. He felt better. Lighter. As if a big weight was lifted from his shoulders. He had never recounted the whole thing to anybody. Hermione and Ron had lived with him most of it, but he had never shared with them all the feelings involved.
Ginny had been listening attentively trying not to betray any emotion and without interrupting.
As he finished his tale she sighed 'Harry… What can I say…? Now I understand many things… My poor boy…' she murmured taking his hand, and then she added in an afterthought 'There is enough to write several books.'
'Not by me surely' he answered forcing a smile.
'I'm ok anyway. It was long time ago and I've been happy with you and the kids up to…' he couldn't finish the sentence and looked outside the window. The sun was rising on a foggy, drizzling, dismal morning. The last few days' roller coaster of emotions had left him weak and weary in mind and body.
'We better go to bed' he said longing for some sleep, and he knew that this time, with Ginny on his side, it would have finally been a real resting repose.
When Harry woke up, it was already early afternoon. He was glad to realise that his anger was completely gone but a sense of desolation was nevertheless there.
He watched Ginny, still sleeping, her chest moving up and down slowly. He felt full of remorse for how he behaved. She was already struggling with Lily's death and she had to deal with a dangerous beast in the house and two kids who needed parents more than ever. It mustn't have been easy for her. He got close and hugged her tenderly. She woke up and smiled at him.
Harry was still thinking about his two boys left at the Burrow to spare them his madness 'Ginny, how are James and Albus?' he asked, and her smile dropped instantly.
'Harry…' she raised on her elbows and looked faltering at him not knowing how to approach the subject.
'They are not well. They didn't elaborate what happened. Especially James. They are struggling with the fact that they are not going to see her again. It is the first time they encounter death and…' she paused weighting her words 'they are very afraid of you… They are not old enough to guess what was passing in your head and they don't know enough about you to be able to understand your behaviour. They just saw their dad massacring their uncle and, you know… The kitchen, the blood, the shouting… It was a bit too much to take in for them I believe'.
She paused and seeing his desolate expression she added 'Mum and dad are taking care of them now and they are filling in a bit about you so they can understand better. Don't worry, it will be all right.'
'This is all my fault. I've done it all wrong. I'm an appalling father, it was from me they had to hear about me' Harry said downcast remembering what Hermione shared with him just a few days before. He wanted to spare them his past, he didn't want them to have to reflect about death or sorrow. He wanted to protect them, but he was wrong. They needed to know in order to understand better. He would have given them tools to deal with what was happening now and he didn't.
She caressed him 'You are not. You are a very good father. And you can see it from how they are growing up to be. You acted based on what you thought was best for them. And we are all humans. Nobody is expecting you to be perfect.' She kissed him tenderly 'I'm going to have a shower now.'
As she got up from the bed, she made a grimace 'What's wrong?' Harry asked perceiving it.
'Nothing' she replied, 'my muscles are a bit sore' and she disappeared in the bathroom.
Harry lay in bed a few moments more, deep in reflection about his boys. He didn't want them to be afraid of him. He had to fix that somehow.
But how?
He showed all his family the worst in him and he couldn't expect from the kids the same comprehension and forgiveness that Ginny showed him.
He stood up and made to the bathroom too to wash his face in an attempt to clear his mind. As he entered Ginny, just out of the shower, covered herself hastily with the towel blurting out 'No Harry don't get inside...' but he was already there.
'What's the matter?' he asked baffled 'It's not the first time I'd see you naked'. And then he noticed her wrists.
They were covered with reddish, tending on violet marks. Bruises.
'What…?' he asked taking one of them examining it, trying to understand where those contusions came from. And suddenly, in a horrible revelatory moment, it doomed on him. He took the towel away from her reluctant hands. The internal side of her thighs were covered with same ugly bruises. He felt immediately sick.
'Is…' he asked tentatively 'Was is it me?' Ginny didn't answer, she took back the towel from him and adjusted it around her.
Harry was horror-struck 'What kind of piece of shit am I...?!' he uttered aghast under his breath.
'Harry, I told you not to worry about it. It's nothing.'
'Nothing!?' he said vexed. 'Do you call this "nothing"!?' taking one of her wrists and rising it under her eyes 'I could be arrested for this.'
He rubbed his face in disbelief. 'Ok, all right. You go to bed and stay there. We have a book somewhere on how to deal with minor injuries and I'm sure there is something about bruises. I'll look it up and I will be back.'
He rushed out looking for it, cursing himself. He hadn't, until that moment, fully realised his brutality toward her.
Toward the woman I declare to love!
Harry felt scared of himself. There was really an evil-self harboured in him, ready to spring out, and he hadn't been able to control it.
When he got back Ginny was in bed. She was smiling 'You are taking this a bit too seriously. They are just bruises.'
He scowled 'Ginny, you know very well they are not just bruises.'
He took his wand and with the book in the other hand he tried the incantation on her right wrist. It worked amazingly. In a few seconds it was completely absorbed 'I cannot believe I have done this to you' he said doing the left one 'I deserve to be beaten mercilessly. Take away the duvet I will do your legs.' And doing them 'You can ask me anything, anything! and I will do it, no matter what. I'll never forgive myself for this!' as he finished, he covered her back, and sat close to her feeling the worst of criminals.
'There is something I would like you to do for me' she said wavering.
'Go on! I will do anything you ask me!' he answered eager to redeem himself.
'I want you to get Ron out of Azkaban.'
Chapter 19 – Asking favours
The following day had been a full one for Harry. He visited house after house of the most important wizards in the Wizegamot, to plead Ron's cause.
He started with the Minister of Magic, Harold Browning, a corpulent middle-aged man. He was always even too friendly with Harry, inviting him for dinner much more often than he would have liked to. He tried to excuse himself most of the time, but it was a drudgery he had to endure at least once a month.
He wasn't a bad person really, but Harry knew that it wasn't because of the pleasure of his company that he was invited, but because of the image he wanted to give of himself and the Ministry. An old story.
He didn't even dream to invite the other heads of department; it was just him that had this unwanted privilege.
He always felt used after every meeting. He was very aware that the Minister, like everybody else, was really careful to show to the magical community that they had a good relationship with him, and that Harry supported him and the whole Ministry.
They were very well aware how important it was to be in Harry Potter's good book to be popular with people.
That obviously, gave him a lot of power, he could have become Minister of Magic anytime, if only he would have wanted to. But he didn't want to. He was busy enough as it was with his job and he didn't look for more responsibilities.
He never used the privileges he knew he could have, he felt it wrong and unfair toward his other colleagues. He always tried to keep at a minimum his friendliness with the Minister, adopting the same interactions any other employee would have had with him.
When he was young and had the opportunity to become an Auror, he was overjoyed. Although he insisted in following all trainings and tests required by the other candidates, many were willing to close an eye on him following the usual path. He had been unmovable however. He wanted to get that position for merit.
He had been wise, he admitted it now. Already as it was, there were many people contesting his job and position, but they couldn't do more than scowl and talk behind his back having him passed, with very good results, every test submitted to him.
He had been sceptical however at first to be part of the Ministry. He didn't like the line of conduct towards him throughout the years and he still had the mark on his hand (a very peculiar scar that had created difficulties when the kids had asked him how he got it) reminding him this.
In the end, he had decided to silence his doubts because of the love for the job. And still now, he was overlooking many things he wouldn't normally have accepted. Like the use of him to advertise the operate of the Ministry. He always tried to stay in the shadow, but he was always brought forward for everything.
It is not, he didn't approve of the Minister or his operate that, on the whole, he thought, was quite sensible, he just didn't want to be used to prove the point.
Because of his position, every wizard he visited that day welcomed him very cordially and all of them listened to him carefully and made promises to do what they could to solve the matter, obviously for something in exchange. Probably he could have just forced them to do what he wished but he didn't want to destroy the frail balance of powers in the Ministry.
He had to refuse many invitations for dinner and bear many empty words of condolence he would have gladly dispensed with. He had to shake hands, nod and answer questions managing to say nothing while speaking.
He tried to be as detached as possible to the whole of it but, nevertheless, it took him almost the entire day to speak with the most influent people. At the end of it, he was exhausted in spirit. He hated this with all his soul. It was getting profit of his name to ask favours.
Despicable.
Especially considering he asked for something that, in reality, he didn't want.
However, there wasn't any choice.
Ginny had told him that as soon as Ron had been imprisoned in Azkaban, he had tried to commit suicide hanging himself. Only by sheer luck he had been saved. A guard was sent to his cell to take him to meet Hermione and had found him hanging from the window bar. He had shredded his bed linen to make a rope.
Hermione had reasoned with him. She had reminded him that he was a father. That his children needed him. She had made him swear not to do it again, but she was living in fear.
Harry had promised he would do his best. He would have done anything Ginny asked him anyway. He wanted to make amend for his behaviour toward her.
And he didn't want Hermione, Rose and Hugo to suffer as they were suffering.
When he got home, Ginny was waiting in agitation. 'How did it go?'
He shrugged his shoulders and slouched on the sofa beside her 'We must get tickets for the next Chudley Cannon's match for the head of the committee, that Kirsby guy and his family, and, most unfortunately, we have to watch the game with them, I must go to get a drink with Norton at the Hog's mead sometimes next month, and you are well aware how I detest the man. We must go to have dinner with the Minister in a public place, and I don't even know what else...' he said tiringly 'But I think he will be out by next week.'.
She brightened and hugged him 'I knew it! Thank you. I know how much it costed you and I appreciate it very much.'
'This is the last time I'm doing something of the kind. You have no idea what it has been.' He said fatigued.
'I do have an idea. But at least he is going to be out, and we can try to have a normal life again'.
He sat up on the sofa suspicious 'What do you mean normal?'
'Well, like it used to be...' she answered hesitantly.
'Ginny perhaps you don't understand. I have done what I have done, for you. Because you asked me to and because of Hermione and the children but I haven't changed my mind toward him.' He said sternly 'I'm going to pick him up when they let him out to clarify this, but it's going to be the last time we meet. He is as good as dead to me'.
'But Harry...' she said pleading 'it was an accident.'
'I don't care. I don't want to see him again. I don't mind if you do, he is your brother and I understand. But to me from now on he is nothing. This that happened cannot be deleted, it cannot be as it was before.'
She looked very miserable in hearing this, and Harry was sorry for it, but he was inflexible. He didn't want to have anything to do with him anymore. Their friendship was at an end. It never really helped Ron's ego always feeling the competition with him. The only reason why he wanted to avoid him committing suicide was to spare the distress it would have caused in his family. He couldn't forget that because of his stupidity Lily was no more.
'But he is my family, he is going to be at every family gathering. Hermione is your friend; the kids are cousins. Friends. You cannot keep them apart' she was pleading, panic-stricken.
'Ginny you can keep on living as before if you manage to. I won't, I can't. He can do what he prefers, going wherever he wants to, but I won't be there if he is present. I step aside, I don't care. I'm not planning to keep anybody asunder. Just myself. Rose and Hugo can come here whenever they want to, Hermione too but I don't want to see him again.'. There was finality in his words that silenced her for a while.
'Perhaps you will change your mind eventually...' she added almost in supplication.
'Perhaps' he said, 'When I'll forget Lily, I will.' he added flatly and hardened.
'Lily wouldn't have wanted this. She loved Ron.' She said almost whispering.
'Maybe she didn't, I agree, but thanks to him we will never know for sure. Won't we?' and saying this he left the room unwilling to prolong the conversation any longer.
Chapter 20 – Letters of condolences
The following day Harry decided to go to the office despite Ginny wanted him to stay home to talk. They still hadn't decided what to do in respect to James and Albus. He was very tempted. Not much about the talking, it was always a motive of deep distress, but it would have been nice to stay at home with her, consoling each other. Although he had left something unfinished, and he wanted everything to be in order. He was planning not to return for the next few days.
He took the lift and when he got to his floor, he found Elizabeth there.
'Hello Elizabeth, what are you doing here? Is it not Christmas holidays yet?' he asked in surprise.
'It is, but I thought you may come here, and you could do with some help' she said brightly.
'How did you know I would come here?'
She looked at him with meaning 'Five years ago I lost my husband. I worked a month straight, morning to evening without interruption…' It was her way to acknowledge what happened and to sympathise. It was done with tact. He liked her for it. She was a very motherly, protective kind of person that had always treated Harry almost like a son, and even more important, in Harry's opinion, without the fuss usually connected to his person.
'Ah, yes...' he mumbled averting her eyes 'You are kind, and I appreciate it but I won't stay long and I'm not going to return again for few days, so you won't need to come. I must spend time with my family'
'Of course' she said smilingly 'You will hug Ginny from me, won't you?'
He nodded.
She slid on the desk toward him a big box 'I sorted your correspondence. What was work-related is on your desk. The rest is here.
He was bewildered 'The rest? What do you mean?'
'Condolences I would guess' she answered matter of fact.
'But from whom?' he asked still uncomprehending.
'From people.' She said astounded 'Harry dear, didn't you read the newspaper in the last few days?' she asked in an affectionate tone.
'No, why?' he was still looking at the box in amazement, there must have been at least a hundred of letters inside it, maybe more.
She spread on the desk three Daily prophets and some magazines 'You have been on it since Christmas'. Harry amazement grew. In front of the 25th of December Daily Prophet's special edition there was a picture of him and Ginny walking in a park, in the middle of them a smiling Lily keeping Harry's hand and waving to whoever was taking the picture, the title was "Tragedy struck again in Harry's life", he slipped this one quickly behind all the others not to have to see the photo, his heart skipping a beat. The 26th a picture of Shell Cottage's garden focusing on the blood over the snow, making it look like a bloodshed had been perpetuated; "Nobody leaves interview! Do they have something to hide?". Last one, a picture of Ron all dishevelled gesticulating in front of the Wizegamot; "Harry Potter's best friend, a murderer?".
He darkened straight away 'What's this rubbish?' he said perusing them quickly. Apparently, journalists had tried to get information from everybody about Lily's death but didn't manage, only Ron's questioning was reported. The news of his attempted suicide hadn't leaked apparently. He stated what happened but refused flatly to explain the reason of their dispute. Harry was relieved and thankful for this. His life was public enough as it was, he could have made it so much worse just revealing what had passed between them.
Unfortunately, this mystery had unleashed the journalists' fantasies. They wrote the most absurd things on it. He was speechless with outrage.
'I wouldn't take it personally, if I were you' Elisabeth said kindly.
'Can I borrow them?' he asked and with those and the box he headed straight home to show Ginny.
'Already home?' she asked seeing him back so soon. She was drinking a tea in her nightshirt at the kitchen table.
He slammed the newspapers on the table 'Did you know about this?'
She took the papers and perused them slowly 'I didn't read them, but I know people have been to my parents' house and to all my brothers, trying to collect facts.'
'Motherfuckers! Did they come here?' he asked enraged.
She raised an eyebrow not approving the use of these colourful terms 'You know very well they can't.'
The house was protected by a Fidelius Charm. Only family members and very close friends knew the address. It was a necessary precaution to guarantee them a normal life because of Harry's situation. It was annoying in many respects. The children couldn't invite their friends over, neither they could get anything by correspondence, not even letters or newspaper. Before this decision they had to move continually.
People, especially at the beginning, were lurking outside their places or knocked at the door with excuses, just to pry. Owls were delivering messages all day long. It was a nightmare.
For that reason, it was impossible for journalists to call on them and people couldn't write to them, but he wanted just to make sure everything was working as it should.
'What did they ask them? Why is Percy not putting a stop to this sodding rubbish?! How did they dare going there asking questions?' He asked pacing up and down the kitchen furious.
'Harry, calm down. It is nasty but I wouldn't have expected anything else. Percy cannot stop journalists, if this is what we want to call them, and neither is he the only person to decide what is going to be published or not, as you are well aware. Actually, I'm sure it could have been much worse if he wasn't there. "Journalists" have been to the Burrow to ask questions, but nobody talked to them. George actually threatened to curse some. I think we can expect an article on the joke shop very soon' she said unconcernedly 'I don't know why you care. Are you not used to it by now? What's that box?'
Harry explained sitting mutinously on a chair still greatly enraged 'People really have neither shame nor decency and I don't want to read those' pointing at the letters Ginny was piling on the table ready to be open 'you can throw them directly into the fire. There is enough to keep us warm for the rest of the winter' he muttered darkly.
She opened the first one 'Condolences' she said putting it aside, 'This one too' piling it with the other 'Same' with a third one. She stopped short at the fourth and almost chocked with the tea she was drinking. She scowled at Harry, like it was his fault to whatever was written in it, and chucked it into the fire.
She resumed her place primly 'You get very interesting correspondence; I just get advertisement' her expression stony.
'I didn't ask people to write. Didn't I tell you that you can throw them straight to the fire?' he hissed impatiently. But she was carrying on with her reading and writing brightened at the next one 'Uh, this one says that the real reason you had an argument with Ron is that he found out that you killed You-Know-Who just to take over the ministry and they are all Imperiused by you' she sipped her tea in reflection 'Interesting theory, which doesn't explain why they paid you such a pittance at the beginning but anyway I will show it to Luna the next time we meet her. She may find it interesting.' and pocketed it.
Harry was getting very annoyed by her unconcern in front of something that enraged him so much 'Since you are not taking this seriously, I'm going to have a run' he declared almost challenging.
She nodded going on reading and enjoying her tea. The fifth essence of indifference.
Fine.
A few minutes later he was out in the open air. Harry loved to run, and he did it almost every day either in the morning before work or in the evening. It helped him relax. Scarcely any witch or wizard did any sport outside in London which gave him a chance to be alone and unbothered with his own thoughts.
Lily's death had so disrupted his life that all his habits, that one included, had been forgotten for the last few days. He was also a bit hesitant to start again. Thinking was painful and running was a moment for reflection, a moment to confront himself.
Muggles would usually listen to music while running, but he didn't like it. Although, that day it would have been better to have some music to listen to instead of his own thoughts.
He got in Regent's park, his favourite place to exercise. The little snow which had fallen had crystallized on the trees and on the ground making the park glitter under the pallid rays of sun.
He was still feeling outraged against people that felt authorized to pry in such a moment. Why was it considered acceptable for the magical community to intrude in his sorrow? Why couldn't they print a single newspaper without mentioning him at least once somewhere? How long did people need to forget about Harry Potter?
They will never forget. It will be like this forever. It will be the same for my children.
These unhappy reflections swapped his anger with dejection.
It was a continuous up and down of emotions. Anger, dejection, outrage, sorrow… It was wearing him deeply.
He thought about Lily's room. They had to deal with that too. Together with the James and Albus situation. And he had to go to Azkaban to speak to Ron. A sickness of heart took possession of him. He could see just painful tasks and hard times ahead. Not even a tiny ray of sun to look forward too. He couldn't see how he could be, not happy but at least serene again. A sense of uneasiness was following him like a shadow.
It was odd to think that a big part of his happiness had derived from a such tiny little being as Lily. Harry, of course, knew that he loved her very much, but he never really stopped to reflect how much of his happiness was linked to having her around. Moreover, Lily's absence was precluding him to be glad for what he still had. He should feel glad about Ginny loving him and about the boys growing and learning so fast, but he just couldn't resuscitate that emotion. It was buried under layers and layers of bad feelings.
He got home more dejected than ever, only desiring to go to bed and sleep.
Ginny had finished reading all the letters and they were now burning in the fireplace. Harry took a shower and laid in bed with his hair still wet closing his eyes.
He heard her getting inside the room pausing, looking at him. It was 11 am, not the usual time to go to bed.
She slipped close and put an arm around him.
'You got two owls' she said softly.
He didn't answer straight away overwhelmed by dreariness. 'Ginny, I promise you that tomorrow I will deal with what I have to deal with, but for today, I just want to sleep'.
She kissed his bare shoulder 'One is from the Ministry'.
He groaned annoyed and opened his eyes 'Give it to me.'
He took the letters from her hand. The second one was from Hermione.
He opened the Ministry's first. It was only a few lines to inform him that in an hour time there would be an extraordinary hearing for Ron's case. His presence was required. He gave it to Ginny to read.
Hermione's one was as follows:
Dear Harry,
I write without knowing what to put on paper. I can only imagine how you feel and how difficult it must be for you. I have no words to offer that can alleviate the sorrow. I won't even try, not to pain you with common places.
You know very well how we all feel and how we loved her. Hugo is in shock. He barely speaks. He worries me very much.
I must trouble you as well with thanks. I've known you for many years and because of that I'm very impressed of what you are doing for Ron, I know what it must have cost you and I appreciate it even more. Rose is crying everyday thinking about him in prison, and I didn't know what to do any longer.
Thank you!
Ginny told me you don't want to see him again. I understand. I would like you to change your mind, but I know at present it is impossible.
This morning I heard about the extraordinary hearing. I will be there too.
Love,
Hermione
He passed this one too to Ginny sighing. 'I will be down in half an hour'.
Chapter 21 – The hearing
At ten to twelve he threw some floopowder in the fireplace, 'Ministry of Magic' he shouted and in a second, he was there.
Hermione was waiting for him close to the entrance. She didn't speak, her eyes wet, she just hugged him tightly.
When she released him, he took her hand firmly 'Come on or we'll be late' he told her.
They walked in silence in the hall, hand in hand, the ministry was more deserted than ever. They took the lift going down. 'Level Two, Department of Magical Law Enforcement, including the Improper use of magic office, Auror Headquarters and Wizengamot Administration Services.' the female voice announced as they walked to the room appointed. Not all the court was present, only the most eminent. Harry knew it was just a formality; they had to give semblance to abide by the law. A stout witch in a corner dressed in a cloak of emerald green was ready to record every word.
They interrogated him on what happened that day and he, trying to detach as much as possible and using as few words as he could, explained. It was indeed hard, but he didn't want to betray any emotion in front of them, so he kept his face straight and answered the questions posed.
Yes, it had been an accident.
No. He didn't want to hurt her.
The healer said it was a stunning spell.
No, it was too low to hit me.
I'm not going to answer to this question. It's not relevant. (As they tried to know again what the argument between him and Ron was. Jerks).
And it was done, not even twenty minutes. Ron would be released the 2nd of January.
He shook hands and said goodbyes as they were leaving, had to listen again to words of condolence and tried to avoid being engaged in conversations. Hermione, in the meanwhile, was crying in relief. When he got to her, she was the only person left in the room. She thanked him between tears. He encircled her shoulders with his arm consolingly, and they walked together to the fireplaces.
'I'm going to go to pick him up on the second' he told Hermione before leaving 'I must speak to him, I want him to know that I didn't do it for him and it is gonna be the last time I see him'
She nodded 'Try not to be too hard on him, you have no idea how he feels about it. He is full of remorse; you know, he loved Lily too.'.
Harry felt a pang of annoyance.
How he feels about it?!
But he didn't want to start an argument, so he kept it for himself and let it go.
'How's Hugo?' he asked remembering her letter.
'Harry, he is pitiful to see. He doesn't cry he is just so desolate he breaks my heart' and she sobbed again with more force 'I feel my family is shattering. How am I going to put the pieces together?'.
He sighed with a heavy heart 'Welcome to the club' he answered.
How much sadness can a person bear in a day? I think I'm done and it's not even one o'clock.
When he got home, he went straight to bed to be relieved of his consciousness for a while.
After some hours of deep sleep, he was however suddenly awakened by noises that sounded very much like explosions accompanied by green and red lights. His heart started to pound like mad. Thinking about an ambush of some kind, he was about to dash from his bed looking for his wand when Ginny, who was lying close to him, grabbed him by the shoulder 'Harry, everything is ok. They are just fireworks. It's midnight and it's New Year's'.
It took him a few seconds to understand what she was saying still not properly awake. He had completely lost count of the days. When lucidity was regained, he let himself fall on the bed, his heart still trying to jump out from his chest. Ginny started to laugh softly and when, after a moment, his heart returned to behave normally, he laughed with her. But it seemed wrong and out of place.
They stopped and looked at each other, sadness enveloping them again. He caressed her with tenderness.
'Happy New Year' she whispered, her face illuminated by gold and red lights coming from the window.
'What's going to be happy about it?' He whispered back.
She got close to him 'I've got you. You've got me. We must try to make it so. We must start now' she said pressing her body against him, her hands travelling on his back and she kissed him with urgency, intensely and despairingly.
'Do you think we'll be able to?' she asked, always whispering, almost panting, not really distancing her lips from his own, so that they would brush, tantalizing. Her eyes were wet however, and Harry understood, even too well, the wish to drown those dark, painful feelings into another human being. The wish to disappear into somebody else. He had experienced it already, so many years before.
And without answering, his heart oppressed, he kissed her back like if his life depended on it.
Outside firework after firework were exploding but they were oblivious of it. In that instant there were only him, and her, united in their need of escaping a grief bigger than them. They held onto each other desperately not to fall in the abyss that was opening under their feet, threatening to swallow them completely.
And under those colourful lights, they allowed one another to forget, for a while, about everything but the necessity of loving each other.
Chapter 22 – It is my fault if she died
The following morning, they woke up early. The street was completely empty, and the usual desolate air of post New Year's celebration was all around. Probably Harry and Ginny were the only people awake in the whole borough if not in the whole city. This gave Harry a sense of peace. They were having breakfast in silence looking outside the window. Traces of the previous night parties were everywhere. Empty bottles and rubbish of every kind laid abandoned on the street.
For a moment he tried to imagine how it could have been, if nothing had happened in respect of Lily.
Probably they would have gone all together to see the muggle fireworks at the House of Parliament. Probably Lily would have fallen asleep in his arms, tired, getting back home. And he could picture it so well that he could almost feel the weight of her in his arms, he could almost hear her breathing… and the pain started to grow so intense…
I've got to stop torturing myself!
He halted immediately this train of thought, it was taking him straight to that pit of grief he wanted to avoid. It didn't help him. It was past, it could never happen again. It was unwise the 'what if...'.
He had to concentrate on the present. The next day James and Albus had to get the train to Hogwarts, and it was the last chance to speak to them before they left for many months.
He was concerned on how he would find them towards him, but he couldn't leave this gap, that was dividing them, open. He had to try to seal it before them departing otherwise, he knew, it was doomed to become bigger and more difficult to mend.
'I'm going to the Burrow' he announced to Ginny when breakfast was over.
'Shall I come?' she asked while clearing the table.
He shook his head 'No, I'm going by myself. I will bring them here; it will be easier tomorrow to take them to St. Pancras'.
She nodded and as she approached the sink, she added in a subdued tone 'I'm putting back all Lily's pictures. I want you to be prepared. I don't want them to think we are trying to cancel her from our life. We can take them off again, if you want, after they are gone'.
He realised just then that all Lily's pictures had disappeared from the house. Ginny had taken them away not to trigger him while he was grieving so violently.
She had been wise in doing it and he didn't want them back. It was easier this way.
'It is not that I'm trying…' he paused to swallow the knot in his throat that was impeding him to speak 'I don't want to cancel…' he stammered uncertain on how to continue 'it's just…' he tried again without success to complete the sentence, he had difficulty in speaking what was on his mind, difficulty to explain that he didn't want to forget her. But it was so hard trying to keep a balance, trying to keep on living, when he had her smiling and moving in pictures as if she was there, in front of him, and she was not. All the times something that would remind him of Lily happened to cross his path, he felt a wave of devastation that threatened him with insanity. He still didn't manage to get inside her room for fear to be overwhelmed. The only way to get away with it was not to be reminded of her.
Ginny left everything in the sink and went to embrace him 'I know…' she said 'You don't need to explain. We will keep them off until we both feel a bit better'.
'When is that supposed to be?' he asked weary.
'I don't know, but it will happen eventually. One day we will wake up and we will feel good again, I promise'
They sent words to Molly and Arthur of his intention and by the early afternoon he was ready to go.
When he got there, they were waiting for him in the kitchen. Molly hugged him smiling. He could see her eyes wet, but she didn't make any mention of Lily or Ron. Arthur patted him on the shoulder 'James and Albus are in the garden, they are waiting for you' he said in a half sad smile.
He went to look for them. The snow there was still covering everything. He could see from far away the little town with the cemetery where Lily was buried. He had no wish to go there. That place didn't mean anything to him.
It wasn't difficult to find the boys. Clear footprints in the snow showed him the way. They were sitting on a bench in silence. When they perceived him, they didn't' speak, they just looked at him with their round eyes wide open.
'Can I sit?' he asked. They lowered their eyes to the ground then, their expression unreadable, and parted leaving him space in the middle.
He sighed witnessing that hollow expression knowing that a hard task was waiting for him; he had time to think about what to tell them, but nothing seemed right, so he wasn't prepared.
'I'm sorry boys' he started saying 'I'm sorry you had to witness what you did'. Those words didn't rise any reaction; they kept looking away from him, but their attention was clearly caught. Emboldened he continued 'There are no excuses for my behaviour. I know you have been very much frightened by it, and rightly so. I was very much in pain. And it wasn't the first time for me. It happened many times in my life to grieve for people dying and I guess this was a time too many.' Albus at those words lifted his eyes to him 'Like Cedric…' he said.
Harry, thankful for that exchange, nodded 'Exactly. Unfortunately, there have been others. Like the wizard you got the name from.'
Albus shrugged his shoulders slightly 'We know about Dumbledore' he replied 'and about your godfather, and Ted's dad...'. Harry looked at him enquiringly; certainly, they couldn't have apprehended that from him. Albus noticing it, explained 'Grandma and grandpa told us about it. They explained to us why you were so upset'.
Harry stroked his hair 'I'm sorry I've never told you any of this. You are so young; it didn't seem right to me that you had to know all these sad things about me. I was wrong.'
'It doesn't matter dad; it is not as we didn't know. We have always known it. We asked mum and uncle and everybody in school knows about you.'
That sentence made him suddenly realise how foolish he had been. How could he even think that they wouldn't know just because he decided not to tell 'I should have done it' he continued 'What happened to your sister brought everything back, I guess. I had a lot of anger inside I couldn't keep in.' He felt sick again thinking to what his family had to bear in this occasion and that helped in giving his apology a tone of sheer sincerity. 'I'm very sorry boys you had to witness it' he repeated sombre.
'It's all right dad' Albus said concentrating his attention on a pebble he picked from the ground 'We feel pretty bad too.'.
James that until that moment hadn't spoken, murmured darkly 'I'm sorry dad. We know she was your favourite.'
Harry felt a pang 'Why do you say that? It isn't true.'
'Yes, it is. It was plain to see. How you played with her, talked to her…' He wasn't speaking with resentment only with much sadness in his voice.
'No, James listen to me' he said taking him by the shoulders 'She was indeed my favourite girl, but I have got two favourite boys as well, I love very much. You are absolutely not any lower in my affection than Lily was and still is.'
James was still avoiding his gaze though, and he shrugged his hands from him. His eyes were filling fast with tears, but his expression was hard now 'It is my fault if she died' he whispered passing an arm quickly on his eyes to dry up the tears he was ashamed to let Harry see.
Harry was very much surprised by this affirmation that could hardly be considered true 'Why? How could it be your fault?'
'I told him it's not; he won't listen to me' Albus' voice came Harry's right.
'Shut up you!' James snapped 'It is my fault!' and speaking to Harry 'You didn't want to go, and I argued, I made a fuss and so mum came and said we could go. If I hadn't, we wouldn't have gone, and she would still be here'. His expression mutated in a pained grimace while he was speaking, his face congested in the effort of not allowing those tears that were clouding his eyes to fall.
Harry heaved a big sigh 'James, this was not your fault, not anybody's. Me and mum were already undecided on what to do, and it wasn't because you argued that we decided to go but because we wanted you to enjoy yourselves. We knew how much you all wanted to go. It didn't have anything to do with you arguing. You can believe me.'
He put an arm around his shoulders, that was now accepted, and one around Albus.
James nodded shaking with repressed sobs. Harry kept his boys close to him until James' sobs quietened and relaxed close to him.
'Are you going to take us to the cemetery? Grandma is taking us every day but today we didn't go yet'. Albus asked, his gaze not leaving the pebble in his hand rolling on his palm.
'If you want, we can go but you don't have to feel forced to. It doesn't change anything.' He hadn't any desire to visit the grave, he wanted to avoid the place, but if Albus and James wished to go he would have accompanied them despite his reluctance
Albus hesitated, rising his green eyes to the Burrow for a moment, leaving the pebble fall in the snow under him 'So, then, no… I prefer not to go…' he whispered and then after a few seconds he spoke again 'What about Uncle Ron?' he asked in a clear uneasiness.
'What about him?'
He faltered 'You know… You beat him… and I heard from grandma while she was speaking to grandpa that he is in Azkaban' his eyes growing bigger with fear 'Dementors may perform the kiss on him'.
Harry didn't' want to antagonize his children against Ron despite what happened. He realised that his problems with him didn't have to influence them especially since Albus was so close to Rose
'He is ok' he then said 'and I explained to you already that dementors haven't been there anymore for a very long time. He will get out tomorrow because it wasn't his fault. It was an accident but we didn't really make up so I don't think we will see each other for a while. You can go anytime you want to his place though. If you want to.'
They didn't answer, lost in their reflections. Harry didn't know how much they guessed about his resentment toward Ron, but they didn't ask questions.
'We should probably go now. Your mum would like to spend some time with you before you leave'.
Chapter 23 - He will be marked by it forever
Platform 9 and ¾ was full of families saying goodbyes. As usual and more than usual, people were staring in their direction. Lily's absence was blatantly visible by everybody and felt very much by them. She was so lively in taking goodbyes at the platform that she could hardly not be missed.
Already the trip going there had been subdued. Harry was so used to taking her by the hand to go anywhere that, when distracted by some thinking or talking with Ginny and he would realise she was not there, he looked for her forgetting for an instant that there was a reason for her absence.
Every time it happened it was as if somebody punched him hard in the stomach, leaving him breathless, rising in him the awareness of how empty his hand felt. He would clench it so tightly in a vain attempt to fill it that his knuckles whitened.
Once at the platform he tried to impress on his face by his expression the words 'If anybody dares to come close, I'm going to dismember him.'
It seemed to work; people were keeping at a distance. For now.
He spotted Ted taking a passionate goodbye from Victoire and could almost see the bad vibes coming from the seventh-year boys around them. They didn't seem to notice anyhow, too busy with their non-verbal salutation. For the occasion Ted's hair were very short and flaming red. Harry smiled, happy for them and amused by the jealousy of Victoire's fellow students.
Harry turned to James and Albus for their goodbyes. He wanted to part with them in a light cheerful way 'Ok boys. It may be difficult but try not to brood over what happened and enjoy yourself. Write anytime you feel the need and if somebody tries to pester you with questions, you are allowed to punch them straight…' 'Harry!' Ginny bellowed, 'you are absolutely not allowed to do such a thing!' she said scandalised. Harry and the boys sniggered 'Ok, use the wand then but check teachers are not around first.'
'Harry for heaven's sake!' Ginny interjected again scowling. She kissed the boys and hugged them very tightly. When she let them go, Harry noticed she had tears in her eyes, but it was the work of a moment, the next they were cheerful and smiling again.
Hermione with Rose and Hugo appeared from the wall at that moment. It was plain Harry's family wasn't the only one having problems.
Hermione's expression was troubled, and Rose and Hugo were at both sides of her with blank faces.
As soon as Rose saw Albus, she ran toward him and took his hand.
She looked at Harry but averted her eyes quickly and she greeted them without looking at them again.
Harry was aware it may happen. He was expecting it. Yet he felt sorry for it. Especially because Hugo was clearly much afraid of him. He kept Hermione's hand and he didn't answer when Harry and Ginny greeted him. Harry tried to behave normally however, hoping that, with time, they would feel at ease with him once more.
Hermione bade goodbye to Rose promising her a letter as soon as Ron would be home. She nodded and giving another fearful glance at Harry she ran on the train followed by Albus. James having seen his friends was also gone in a minute.
They waited together for the train to leave waving their hands when they appeared on the compartment window.
As soon as the train was out of sight Hermione turned to them 'When are you planning to go?' she asked Harry much agitated.
'I will be going as soon as we get home' he replied understanding straight away her meaning.
She nodded sombre and with Hugo she disappeared behind the barrier without adding another word.
He wasn't looking forward to that moment, but it had to be done. He wished it could have been different. He wished he could have forgiven him, but he knew he could not. Their friendship was broken without remedy.
He tried to shake off the feeling and said 'Ok, time to go. Where is Lil…' and stopped.
Ok, breath now… he commanded himself while clenching his fists.
He took a big breath; Ginny was looking at him with concern.
'It's all right' he said noticing it trying to smile 'Shall we go?'.
While they were about it, Ted caught up with them lightheaded, most probably, by the remaining vela effects.
'Hi Harry, Hi Ginny' he said dreamingly.
Harry smiled and said mockingly 'Hi Ted. Not to worry. It's only five months and you will see her again.'
In hearing this he woke up from his dreaming instantly 'Five?! No way! I'm meeting her at the first Hogsmeade trip. I believe she may have one in February.' he sighed 'It will be a very long month'.
Harry and Ginny chuckled 'It will pass. And it's her last year you know...' Ginny said comfortingly patting his arm 'I'll leave you two to catch up, I need to do some stuff at home, but you don't need to hurry' she added pecking both on the cheek. She made quickly for the barrier and in a moment, she was out of sight.
They started to walk back in silence.
'I'm glad to see you so sedate. I was expecting you in a "destroying things mood". I'm glad to see it is not the case.' Ted said while passing swiftly the platform's barrier.
The station was full of people catching and leaving trains. Nobody paid any attention to them.
'I have done my bit of destroying things.' He admitted walking toward the exit 'I have an exceptional wife however, so I got over it'
'I guess…' he started in saying hesitantly 'You did something not nice to her…. Did you?' he tailed off looking in front of him.
Harry was speechless. This kid had the gift of making him awkward with uncomfortable truth. And "not nice" was an understatement as they both very well knew. He answered cautious 'As a matter of fact, I did. Yes. I wouldn't wish to go into details though. Can I ask you how you possibly know? Were you hiding in the wardrobe by any chance?'
Ted chuckled sadly 'No Harry, I wasn't hiding anywhere. I just knew it was going to happen. I told Ginny to leave you alone, to keep away from you. I advised her to stay at the Burrow with the children. But I know her too. I knew she wasn't capable of leaving you in that state of mind alone.'
Harry was all amazement 'Have you got some magical powers I don't know of?'
Ted laughed again 'No, I don't think so. I just pick up things. I study people. I have always done it since I can remember. And I enjoy trying to slip in their shoes and guessing what they would do in different situations. I studied you for all my life. I know you. And the day of the funeral was the confirmation of my supposition.'
Harry felt again exposed and uneasy. He didn't like to be reminded about that day and the followings.
Ted continued 'Knowing you, I tried to imagine what was going to happen, and I knew it, I've almost seen it. It has been very painful I must tell you. That's why I've got a rough idea of what you felt and what you are feeling.'.
He was serious now and his hair turned back white while he was speaking. It was usual with him; his hair or eyes would change colour following the mood of the moment. Once, he had pointed it out to him and he had admitted that he was aware of it, but he wasn't doing it on purpose. It was something out of his control.
'What about Ron?' he then asked.
'Why does everybody care so much about bloody Ron?!' he burst out before being aware of having done so.
He hadn't lost a daughter. I did!
Everybody fretted about Ron. Everybody expecting him to help him, to be a friend to him while he just wanted to erase his existence. Why must he worry about Ron after all that had passed? Ron could forget what he had done eventually and go on with his life. He could be free. Harry would have never been free. Imprisoned forever by Lily's memory.
Ted paused thoughtfully 'I guess it's because he is the weak one. You have a strong mind; you fight against what troubles you. Ron, on the other side, is more of a brooding kind of person. If he stays in Azkaban too long, he may go mad and most probably will try to do himself in sooner or later.'
Harry was amazed by this kid and his comprehension of the people surrounding him. He didn't want to dwell too much on Ron however. He didn't want to feel sorry for him. He wanted to hold on his resentment. It was easier to manage than other emotions.
'Well, I'm taking him out. But I don't want to see his face again after that'.
Ted sighed 'I thought that much... And I'm sorry for it. I care about Ron as much as I care about you. And the worst is about to come for him. I'm sure Hermione can see it too.'
'Why?' he asked puzzled by his affirmation. Ted couldn't know about his suicide attempt, only him, Ginny and Hermione were aware of it 'He is getting out. He will be free in a couple of hours.'
'Harry, I listen to people around me in St. Mungo's. Everybody is talking about it. Sorry for the brutality of the expression I'm about to use but he is the one that killed Harry Potter's daughter. Nobody cares if it was an accident or not. He will be marked forever by it.'
Harry was astounded by this piece of news. It was obvious, yet it was also a revelation. And despite what he had thought just few seconds before, he felt suddenly sorry for Ron. Life was playing a cynic game on him. Always wanting to be popular and recognised, now he turned out to be so for having killed a six year old girl.
'What do you think is going to happen?' Harry asked.
Ted shook his head grim 'I don't know Harry. I'm just empathetic. I'm not e seer. I only know that a hell of troubles is waiting for Ron out of Azkaban.'
Chapter 24 - It's over
He had been to Azkaban before. His job took him there sometimes. He didn't like the place.
It was a desolate and ugly building. A tall and square double wall with four tall turrets were surrounding the main building, a rectangular edifice made of big grey stones. The windows were small, spare and barred.
The island on which it was build was bare in winter as in summer. It was a cliff on the water. Nothing grew on it. It was dusty and the sea around didn't improve the scene.
After the Voldemort bringing down, dementors were driven out of the place so Harry had never seen it with them floating around. But it seemed like the feeling of those creatures was still there. He couldn't picture how this place could have been even more desolate and forlorn than it appeared to his eyes. All the happiness left people when getting to it, prisoners or not.
He always felt very much for the witches and wizards that had to work there, you would never hear a laugh or joke, not even among them. Their uniform was grey, everything seemed to be grey.
Harry couldn't remember ever being sunny there. It was always either foggy, or raining or cloudy like that day, and it looked even more forbidding than usual.
The entrance door was in iron and small. He had to lean to pass through it. He was greeted by the guards. They knew him well and they knew why he was there.
'Hello Harry' said the one to which Harry was on a first-name basis coming forward. His name was Earnest they had chance to chat time to time when he was there for business. Harry liked him, there was an air of honesty and simplicity about him that he valued.
'I just wanted to tell you on behalf of everybody here that we regret very much what happened. We were very sorry to hear it.' He wavered for a moment and then he added sombre looking away 'I have got a daughter of the same age…' He seemed sincere and Harry knew it was felt unlike many other words of condolences he had had to submit to.
He nodded acknowledging it, and him, after Harry had left his wand to the guard standing beside the door, without further words, conducted him across the second wall.
They crossed the empty and miserable courtyard; a few benches and a frail looking tree was everything that could be seen in it.
After being searched, more guards let them pass through the door for the main building.
Inside was chilly and slightly damp. A few torches were lit emitting a feeble glow that seemed swallowed by the grim atmosphere.
It was bright outside despite not sunny, yet inside, scarcely ever, one could see some light. The windows were too small and the inside too vast. Torches were always lit, night and day.
He was escorted through a vast room and then first to a corridor and then to another. Every few steps they stopped, and Earnest pronounced incantations under his breath to allow them to pass through the security spells casted in the building. Many doors, all alike, opened on it. Harry reflected on how many wizards were behind those doors because of him. The hunt of Death Eaters had lasted for years and wasn't over yet. Some managed to flee abroad and they were still actively looking for them. But most of them were in those cells waiting for their life to end.
Harry thought that, in a way, it would have been better for them to still have dementors. At least they would have had the certainty of a speedy madness and consequently death. Being as it was, they just had countless, joyless and grim days in front of them. Nothing to look forward to, if not the end. Some committed suicide after a few years with the same method Ron had tried.
It was a bleak prospect. But they brought it on themselves. They were paying for the atrocity they did in the past.
Earnest halted in front of one door looking exactly like all the others 'Here' he said. He drew on the sturdy wood a symbol with his wand that glowed feebly in the dark vanishing quickly, and the door opened on a small dismal room made of big blocks of stone, the walls bare and shiny with moist, the ceiling high and a lonesome tiny window projecting a square patch of light in the middle of the room.
A wooden bench was attached to the wall and Ron was sitting on it emaciated and wild looking, his hair uncombed, the beard grown, big shadows under his eyes. His garments were wrinkled, dirty and ripped in places.
He detected Harry behind the guard and his eyes widened in stupor. Apparently, he hadn't been informed of his visit.
The sight of him awoke in Harry the anger felt before. Seeing Ron so despondent only irritated him more. He had no business in being dejected. He would have preferred to see him defiant, at least he would have had a reason to physically vent out his frustration.
None of them spoke. Harry had confirmation of what Ted said just a few hours before in Earnest's eyes. Usually, guards kept their face expressionless in front of inmates, but, on this occasion, one could clearly see contempt depicted on it.
'Time to go' Earnest said flatly.
They got back through the corridors and the vast room, Ron marching in front of them. Harry's glance was fixed by the rhythmical movement of this wrecked looking man in front of him. Ron had been his best mate for more than half of his life, he had found in him a complicity he never had with anybody else until going to Hogwarts, being the source of his first laughs and happy moments after eleven years of total loneliness and bullying. Ron had shared his own family with him who had none. He owed him so much, so many cheerful memories in between the dark times and, yet, everything was gone, like if it never happened, neutralized by one single act. But such an act that rendered impossible for Harry to rekindle what he knew it was still there, somewhere. Hate was raging in him like a thunderstorm. If it wasn't for Ron, he could still have his precious little girl to brighten his days. This was not something that could be either forgiven or forgotten.
They crossed the courtyard in silence. The sudden light blinded Harry's eyes for a moment and from a flinching in Ron's demeanour he knew that the same had happened to him. It was the first time for Harry to take somebody out of Azkaban and the first time that he was leaving the place with this fierce mood.
He'd usually took people in and no matter how difficult or dangerous the capture had been, he always felt good in leaving knowing that he had done his duty and thanks to him there was one less evil wizard at large to worry about.
But now Harry was letting Ron out from that gloomy prison and he, with what had done, had locked him in a far worse place than Azkaban.
They reached the double walls and the aversion, from the guards toward Ron was palpable, they let them pass through the small iron door, and one of them shoved roughly in Ron's hand, without a word, a small bag containing his wand and personal effects while Earnest gave Harry a friendly pat on the shoulder and a parting good wish together with his wand. The door closed behind them with a clank.
They were alone, walking side by side in that god forsaken place, and Harry could barely contain the frustration.
Then, Ron halted 'Harry, I don't know how to say this. I'm sorry...' he said contrite.
Harry halted too, few steps in front of him. He turned slowly, putting all his effort in mastering his rising temper 'Spare me' he answered with a scornful laugh 'If you are hoping for an absolution from me you will find is in vain.'
Ron lowered his eyes defeated 'I'm not looking for anything of the kind. I know I cannot hope for it. I feel awful. Lil..'
'Don't you even dare to pronounce her name' he tailed him off sharply, angrily.
Ron nodded. The wind was blowing, rising the yellowish dust around them.
'I see how you feel. I can't blame you. Thank you for letting me out and everything.'
Harry looked at the miserable and battered looking man in front of him, his shoulders hunched, his eyes incapable to meet his own, and for a split second he saw the frecklish thin and gangling boy that was staring gaping at his scar the first day they met.
It was time to put an end to it.
'I didn't do it for you' he spat in defiance 'I've done it for your sister, for Hermione and your kids. But not for you. Perhaps, for what has been, but definitely not for what it is now.'
He stopped speaking for a moment, but Ron didn't reply, taking in every word limply. Harry was irritated by this listlessness, he wanted to hit him to provoke him in a fight, but he constrained himself, what he had to say was more important.
'It's my turn to say this: I want you out of my life. This is the last time I lay my eyes on you. You are free to go wherever and see whoever you wish. I'm not as unreasonable as you have been. You are free to see my family if they want to see you. But not when I'm around. If you decide to be somewhere, I won't be there.' Ron was motionless in front of him, still avoiding his gaze.
'It's over.' He concluded.
He turned his back on him spite scorching him like fire and marched away, leaving him there, alone, standing in the middle of the nothingness of the place, with windswept hair and torn clothes.
Harry didn't look behind. He didn't hesitate. He took just one step more, the last one, and disapparated away.
Chapter 25 – Consoling each other
He felt a sickness inside, a constriction in his chest that didn't loosen his grip replacing the anger that had disappeared the moment he had took that step that brought him home.
'He is out.' He said to Ginny. He didn't want to talk about it. She sensed it and nodded grimly. He went to the bedroom and lied down on the bed staring at the ceiling, without seeing it, lost in unhappy reflections. He knew very well he would miss him. But he realised that lately had become an unhealthy friendship by Ron's side. And Harry, from now on, could never forget that because of Ron he had lost his daughter. It had been an accident, Harry realised it well enough, but it was the drop. He could never see Ron in the same light again. He could not look at him without seeing Lily dropping on the ground by his hand.
Nevertheless, after having lost a daughter, that day he had lost his best friend too. And none of the two would ever be back.
Ginny and Harry decided to get a week off from work. Harry couldn't bear the idea to go there. He would have to face all the curious stares, the possible questions he didn't want to answer, the pity in his colleagues' eyes. He wasn't ready. Not yet.
The first few days Harry wanted to avoid staying inside. The silence in the house was overwhelming and unusual. He didn't feel at ease. It was too blatant that something was missing. He preferred to be outside breathing fresh hair and moving.
Ginny refused categorically to stay behind. She was a good runner too; they divided the time between running and walking. And while he was doing his workout, she would do her own. Days were cold but bright and, on the whole, they were soothing moments for them after the turmoil that had devastated their family and minds. They enjoyed each other company and it was something that they scarcely had the opportunity to indulge before. They started to have children very young, not because they choose it but because it had happened. Despite this they never regretted it but Harry, time to time, had missed having some time with her alone. Those moments were always few and precious.
It helped him to have her with him. She was very positive and strong minded. After the first few days she wouldn't weep anymore in front of him, she would just smile and try to be cheerful. He spotted her a few times with rimmed red eyes, but she was trying very hard not to be found out, he got it and didn't mention it.
She was doing it for him; she knew he wasn't coping very well and of the two he was definitely the more unstable. Harry noticed all this and was grateful. It was indeed helping him not to have her sorrow in front of his eyes all the time. It was heart-breaking to him. It was unfair on her regard; Harry was aware of it. She would have deserved to be comforted; she was suffering as much as him, but he would have only grieved more being uncapable of doing something for her. He was trying very hard, for her sake, to keep himself up and don't fall into despondency, and that was as much as he could do.
By the middle of the week rain started pouring down and they were obliged to stay inside. They took refuge in bed and they started consoling each other the only way they knew how.
It was another almost new experience to them. Having always kids in the house made it difficult for them to find the time, energy and occasion to be intimate. Usually being silent affairs during the night when they would be sure not to be disturbed.
Now, they had all the time they wanted. To Harry it was a way to escape, to nullify what was surrounding them. For four days they never left the bed. Sleeping and talking. Sometimes they would just stare at each other in silence each lost in their own unhappy thoughts. That's when they started to make love, right before they felt overwhelmed by them, to chase away dejection. They didn't eat much. Neither of them wanted to cook.
By Monday, Harry, wearing his jeans to go to work (he would rarely wear his wizarding robe, he didn't feel too comfortable in it) realised that they were a bit loose, and while shaving he perceived his face slightly sunken. Since Christmas he didn't take many proper meals and it was starting to show.
He pointed it out to Ginny just out of the shower
'Well, if you don't eat you can hardly expect the opposite, don't you?' she said drying her hair with a towel.
Her skin was a nice tinge of pink warmed by the hot shower, she was still beaded all over with droplets of water.
'Unlike me you look lovely and healthy' he said aroused. He took her in his arms, sucking the drops of water between the neck and the shoulder. He tried to undo the towels from around her body 'Why don't we take a couple of days more?' he whispered.
She laughed pushing him away gently, readjusting the towel 'When is it enough?' and then she added more seriously 'No Harry. We need to return to work. It's going to do us some good'.
'Do you think so? I know what does me good and it's not going back to the office' trying to pull her again against him.
But she kept him away 'Yes, it is. We need to return to a normal life. We are just pushing away the moment.'
Harry sighed looking at his sunken face in the mirror 'I don't think I'm ready.'
'You will never be. And if you wait it's going to be harder' she answered caressing his back 'Now get out of this bathroom, go down and eat some breakfast while I get ready' she added suddenly stern pushing him toward the door.
He got to the ministry on time and tried as much as possible to behave as nothing ever happened to him.
He wasn't managing very well, he could sense people staring at him morbidly from the moment he put his feet through the entrance; it was difficult to ignore. When he got the lift, he started to grow very uneasy by all this unwanted attention. Thankfully, when he got to his floor, like a breath of fresh air, Elizabeth was there smiling. She gave him business correspondence and unfortunately still many not work-related envelopes and reminded him of all his appointments, but she didn't ask him how he was or mentioned his absence. He felt grateful but he couldn't' expect the same courtesy from everybody else.
His colleagues had solicitude depicted on their faces. They didn't say much when he got there but by the end of the morning one by one, they paid him a visit in his office to say a few words of condolence. The women hugging him and the man shaking hands.
It is not that Harry wasn't warmed by their will to show him sympathy. They were all nice and sincerely sorry for him. He appreciated it but it was awkward on both sides; it was difficult to concentrate and try to keep grief under control when everybody was reminding you that you had a very good reason to let go to it.
People from other departments weren't as tactful however, and some of them actually tried to engage him in a conversation about it. Harry couldn't believe it. He had some job mastering his temper and not tell them to fuck off. Which proved to be an almost disempowering temptation.
By the end of the day, he was exhausted and really dejected. He only wished to to see a friendly face that, by the way, probably, felt as bad as him.
He made for the Law Enforcement department looking for Hermione, but she wasn't there. Her office was empty and the light off. He was about to go thinking she would be in a meeting or somewhere else in the Ministry when one of her colleagues, a blonde, tall witch, called for his attention 'Hello Harry! Are you looking for Hermione Granger?'
He nodded 'Do you know where she is?'
'She didn't come to work today' she said looking a bit awkward 'Actually she never got back from Christmas holidays.'
A bell of alarm started to ring in Harry's head 'How come?' he asked.
'Well… You know… Her husband… We think…' she gabbled riffling through some papers on her desk sheepishly.
'Ok, ok. I got it. Thank you' he interjected abruptly to save her from the embarrassment and to save himself from hearing condolences again. As he was about to go, she took his arm and, addressing him an unbelievably fake concerned expression, said 'Harry if you feel you want to talk about what happened over a cup of tea at my place, you are welcome anytime.' And staring at him meaningfully she concluded 'I'm a great listener, you know….'
What the hell? I don't even know her name! Are the people insane or what?! 'Ergh… thank you' he stammered 'you are very kind… but I don't really want to talk about it' and I'm married for god's sake! And in mourning!
As soon as he was home, he started pacing up and down the living room waiting for Ginny.
He was very worried about Hermione. She was one of those people that lived for work, committed to an almost ridiculous degree, she had to be forced in taking a summer holiday. She would never and ever get an additional week off unless something serious had occurred. All kind of dreadful ideas started to spin in Harry's head. It could only be imputed to Ron's behaviour. What was the prat making Hermione endure now? In a fit of perverseness, he hoped that she would chuck him for good. Ginny was right, she deserved something better.
As he was formulating this thoughts Ginny got home full of shopping bags. Harry released her from them, placing everything on the kitchen table.
'How was your day?' She asked starting to empty them.
'Lousy' he answered taking the food she handled him and storing it away.
'Elaborate...'
He snorted 'Awkward moments, stupid questions, rude people… Ah! And an offer of an easy shag masked by a cup of tea proposal...'
She arched an eyebrow 'Better than mine then. I had them all but the shag offering'
'I hope so' he said closing the cupboard with more energy than it required 'I'll make it regret to whoever tries'
'Mmmh.. I'd better not to tell you then if it happens...'
'You'll tell me all right. What's all this stuff anyway?' there were cakes, biscuits, bread. All seemed homemade.
'Presents. From people at work. You know, Rosemary made the bread, Martha the cake and the biscuits are from Melissa.' She puffed while slumping on a chair.
'What about this?' he asked taking from the bag a shiny purple sphere all covered with black needles.
'It's from Luna. She sent it with an owl a few days ago. It's a stone from Nicaragua, it absorbs melancholy, or so she says.' she explained smiling at the baffled look on Harry's face while observing the strange object.
'And how does it work? Knowing Luna probably I should walk keeping it balanced on my head'
She giggled 'No, you just leave it on your desk.'
'Charming.' He muttered sceptic, remembering the supposedly Crumple-Horned Snorkack in Luna's place that turned out to be a highly dangerous article that could explode and the slightest touch. He wondered if it was advisable to keep the stone in the house. But in the end, with a shrug, he considered that in case it would explode, the confusion created would have certainly, if not absorbed, at least drove away melancholy substituting it with a practical panic of not letting the house burn down.
He placed it on shelf, together with some family pictures. Seeing it, all the family components in the photo, him included, pressed themselves on the other side of the frame, as far away as possible from the doubtful object with a clear preoccupied expression and they looked at him sulky.
He then sat on a chair beside Ginny 'Hermione hasn't been to work since the 3rd' he stated.
A look of concern passed over her face 'Why do you think?'
'The shag offerer said that was because of Ron.'
'Did she? Has she got a name too?' she asked with an arch look.
'Probably, but I don't know it. Should we check?'
'You check nothing! I don't want you to speak to her again!' she hissed anger flashing in her eyes.
'I meant checking on Hermione.' he replied trying not to smile.
'Ah…' she regained her composure 'Well… We can hardly go and knock at their door.'
'Could you write her a letter?' Harry asked imploringly.
'Why don't you do it?' she snapped.
'Because you are better in writing these things than me.' He wouldn't even know where to start and he didn't want to send her something that Ron could see.
Ginny looked at him suspiciously, probably imagining the reason Harry didn't acknowledge.
'How are we going to send it?'
They never got an owl despite it would have been useful and kids were very vocal on it, because in London it would attract too much attention. They would just use the fire normally but in this occasion, they needed to be able to talk only to Hermione.
'You just write it. I'll pop by Diagon alley, and I'll borrow Leo from George.'
'Ok' she said relenting 'But you will prepare dinner while I'm writing. I want us to get a proper meal. After you eat you can go'
'Yes mummy' he answered playfully while getting from a drawer some ink and parchment for her.
London was quiet and few people were about at that hour. He took the bus to get to the Leaky Cauldron. They didn't have a car. Harry never learned how to drive one and it is not that they really needed it. They couldn't use brooms either; it was a bit of a hazard with so many muggles around, so they would use muggles public transportation instead. He could have apparated there, but Harry liked to get the bus especially late in the evening when streets were empty.
When he got to the Leaky Cauldron, few customers were scattered around the tables and obviously every eye was on him instantly, he wished he never left his invisibility cloak to James; it would have been great to wear it right now. He walked as quickly as possible nodding only briefly to the bar keeper, not be harassed needlessly and in a second found himself in Diagon Alley.
Here, like the streets of London, was almost deserted. All shops were closed, and everybody was at home trying to keep warm in the cold night.
George welcomed him with a tired expression 'Hi Harry. Come on in, I'm having dinner.'
'It's ten o'clock' Harry pointed out.
'I know but I had an idea about a new product, and I wanted to try it out. I'm just done. Do you wanna join?'
'No thank you I've already eaten'.
'It doesn't look like' he affirmed with a critic glance freeing a chair from a bunch of parchment full of sketches. The house looked hardly any better than the last time he was in it, probably a bit worst since together with the dinner on the table was all what he used for his experiment.
'I haven't been very hungry lately' Harry explained imagining he was probably referring to his gaunt face.
'I know...' he muttered subdued returning to his half-eaten pie.
Strangely enough, that sentence, as simple and trivial as it was, had a strange effect on Harry. He realised at that precise moment that George truly could figure how it felt. He didn't say that he was sorry or any other ordinary affirmation, he didn't need to. He had lived it all with Fred's death years before and it is not something you forget in a hurry. He felt less lonely all of sudden, and much less uneasy.
'George, I need to burrow Leo.' He said as he took the letter from his pocket 'I'm worried about Hermione. She hasn't showed up at work for already a week, we want to send her this'.
'He is out hunting. But I will give it to him when he gets back.' He took the letter and glancing distractedly at it mumbled with hesitation 'It is probably because of Ron.'
'Do you know something? What happened?' Harry asked eager.
'I don't know exactly what's happening there, but last week Ron showed up for work.' He said putting the letter down and pushing away his unfinished meal 'It hasn't been nice'.
Harry was expecting something of that kind.
'How come?'
'Well…' George started to tell 'the trip here wasn't fun. Many people stared at him malevolently. Some of them insulted him more or less openly. There were people from the Daily Prophet and some other magazines that wanted to write an article on what happened. They accused him of murder to have a reaction from his side when he ignored them. And once here, well…' he stared in front of him trying to find the right words 'he hid in the back, but it was in a miserable state of mind. He couldn't work. I got there a couple of times to check, and he was just staring at the papers on the desk. After a few hours I took pity and I sent him home by floopowder.' He shook his head 'Hermione for sure is having a hard time, I honestly much preferred him when he was angry at you, at least he was responding!'.
Shit, shit and shit! Why and why do I have to worry over Ron?
Despite the revengeful part of Harry was very well satisfied with was happening to him, there was also the sensible part that felt pity. In a normal situation it would have been horrible enough for Ron but not only he had to endure the sense of guilt in having accidentally killed Lily but at the same time he had done it in front of Hugo's eyes, and the whole magical community considered him the worst of beings. But what it really bothered Harry was Hermione, trapped in that situation without having any fault in it.
Harry sighed passing a hand in his hair.
'Perhaps Hermione and Ginny were wrong in wanting him out of Azkaban. Perhaps it would have been kinder to leave him there for the time being' George added looking out of the windows where they could see Leo flying towards them.
Chapter 26 – The argument
The next day at work was much easier as he was so busy with the workload accumulated. He could hardly spare the time to think about his or anybody's else troubles. He was glad of it. Anything that wouldn't allow him to think, was welcome. He only got few minutes during lunch to eat something, under strict order from Ginny, and then he plunged himself to work again until evening.
When he got home, Ginny was waiting for him with Hermione's reply.
Dear Ginny and Harry,
Thank you for your letter and for your concern.
Here things are desperate. I don't know how to handle them. I'm thinking to move with Ron and Hugo to the Burrow or to my parents'. We cannot stay in this house any longer. We keep receiving nasty letters from people; I'm not reading them anymore, but all these owls are starting to attract attention in the borough. We got some howlers too and those were difficult to hide from Ron and Hugo.
Ron is in a dangerous state of mind. I don't want to leave him alone. He won't speak to me. He just stays in bed catatonic staring at the wall. He feels all of this dreadfully.
Hugo isn't any better, I'm trying to screen him from what is happening but it's not easy.
I'm also very concerned about Rose at Hogwarts. She didn't mention much in her letters but I'm sure she is having a hard time too. However, I'm glad that she has got James and Albus there. For sure they won't allow students to bully her. That's a relief.
I honestly don't know what is going to happen. And neither I know if and when I will be able to return to work. I will need to find a solution but, at the moment, my mind is blank.
Love,
Hermione
'It would be better for them to go to Hermione's parents. In the muggle world nobody will pay attention to them.' Harry said after having finished the letter. He felt very much for her. They were getting a glimpse of what he got all his life but in a nastier shape.
Ginny though was very much troubled 'You must do something for them' she stated.
'Me?!' Harry asked in amazement 'What should I do exactly?'
'Speak to Ron! Speak to people! Tell them to leave them alone!' she said in eagerness.
Harry grew very irritated by her sentence.
'I'm not going to do neither' he said firmly 'I told you already how things stand. I'm not seeing Ron again and surely; I'm not going to "speak to people" as you said. I've already done what I could taking him out of Azkaban. I'm not gonna do anything else. From now on he is on his own.' he concluded with finality.
'You are being stubborn and unreasonable! It's not Ron's fault! He is going to end up very badly. And don't you feel for Hermione? You must do something for her!' Ginny retorted upset.
Her rebuke had only the power to turn the increasing vexation in mounting anger 'I've already done something for her. Ron would still be in prison if it wasn't for me! And I don't want to repeat myself again! Call me stubborn if you like. I don't care. I never asked him to kill Lily!' he answered rising his voice.
'I'm pretty sure he didn't ask you to sleep with Hermione either! He finished in Azkaban just because in the Ministry they didn't want to antagonize you! It was the minimum you could do! And now he is getting all this crap from people because of you again! Don't you understand?' she shouted at him upset.
Harry slammed his fist on the table enraged 'Are you saying that all of this is my fault?' spatting the question furiously.
'He is paying for something he would never have done! He loved Lily' she yelled in angered tears 'This is happening only because she was your daughter. You must talk to him!'
'He is getting a taste of what he always wanted! Let him enjoy it!' he said bitterly 'I'm not changing my mind. Before being my daughter she was a child! The guilt would have been the same! He is reaping the consequences of his action. I'm sorry for Hermione but there is nothing I can do.'
'How can you be so mean?!'
'Mean?!' Harry shouted in disbelief 'How can you accuse me of being mean?! I don't want to be his punching bag anymore! He had thrown on me the faults of all his insecurities, of all his problems for years! And see what happened in the end!' his heart was pounding in his chest madly at the unfairness of her accusations 'I don't want to continue this conversation. It's pointless. I'm going out for a walk' he added in a lower sharp tone rushing from the house and slamming the door behind him leaving Ginny in the kitchen shaken by a nervous sobbing.
Why did the fault of everything have to be his own? He didn't ask for any of this! Why did he have, on the top of everything else, to feel guilty for something he never wanted? He never wanted his life being public. He never wanted Ron to feel overshadowed by him. He never wanted to have Lily's death.
Why do I have to feel this guilt? Is it really my fault? Was it me who brought this on myself? Is the suffering not enough?
While he was walking randomly, all this anger and torment burning under his skin, drops of cold rain started to fall from above.
He halted and looked at the cloudy sky. No stars, no moon, no redemption in sight, only a hopeless grey fog surrounding him.
He closed his eyes and allowed the soothing drops slide on his face breathing deeply the icy night air.
I just want to disappear now. I don't want to feel anything anymore.
He stood there for a few minutes letting the cold rain fall on him, washing away every distress.
When nothing if not fatigue was left, he started to get back.
He found Ginny on the sofa hugging her legs and crying silently, not out of nerves now but in anguish.
He approached her, moved by her tears and hugged her tenderly. He didn't want to argue with her too. She was the only thing to cling to not to be destroyed by his own emotions.
'I'm sorry I shouted at you' he said conciliating.
'Oh Harry' she answered between tears 'It's me who has to apologise. I told you horrible things, they were really a low blow. I'm the mean one, not you! And it's not your fault, any of this.' She concluded hiding her face against her knees.
'You are not mean. Come on here' he said taking her on his lap. He kissed her salty tears from her cheeks. 'I will see what I can do for them, but, please, don't ask me to talk to him. I can't'.
She nodded and put her arms around his neck.
Harry inhaled the scent of her and, in the feeling of having her close to him, his heart melted in a mix of confused emotions. Love, pain, despair and fear.
What am I going to do if she died too?
He asked himself his inside aching.
I'm sure I would die with her.
'I love you' He murmured in her ear.
'I love you too' she replied.
Why did he feel like crying?
Chapter 27 - I will miss you. A lot.
That night was sleepless for Harry. His mind was too busy in schemes to make life easier for Hermione and Ron.
What could he do? A scheme after another crowded his mind but none seemed to fit. None would solve the problem. Even in case he agreed to be interviewed on what happened at Christmas, and only the deep love for Ginny and Hermione could bring him to do it, it certainly wouldn't cancel what happened. Ron would still have the stigma and he would be reminded of it every day in a way or another.
And even if he stuck to his resolution not to see Ron, he was sure that pressure would start to come from all directions to make him change his mind. From Molly and Arthur, from Ginny, from Hermione.
Harry would have to yield eventually. It was certainly not going to be pleasant for himself. But would it be good for Ron? Somehow, he thought not. He took that decision for both. Both would be reminded continually of what happened to Lily. It was better not to meet. But how could he manage that considering all the family connections around them?
He was sitting in bed his back against the wall listening to Ginny's breathing on his side. She had fallen asleep straight away worn out by the crying.
He was ready to do anything to see her happy but this, Harry thought, was beyond him. He was too known there, nobody will ever forget.
And then a sudden brainwave made him sit bolt upright. He knew what he could do! There was something he could try that may work. He wasn't sure it would have made everybody happy, surely not even him at that, but it was the only plan that could work.
Silently he left the bedroom and went to the kitchen, got ink and parchment and started to write. Once done, he sealed the letter and hid it in a drawer.
When he got back to bed it was almost morning, but his mind quietened by having found a possible solution he managed to fall asleep.
Barely two hours later he was awake, full of purpose. He waited for Ginny to be out, mumbling some excuses to stay behind and as soon as she was gone, he retrieved the letter and made for Diagon Alley.
Normally he was always avoiding the place during daytime unless it wasn't absolutely necessary, like to buy the children stuff for Hogwarts or to go to Gringotts's.
He never passed unnoticed, and he was stopped every three steps by people wanting to shake his hand or to tell him how grateful they were to him for getting rid of You-Know-Who, what it meant to them, who died by his hand, etc etc…
He hated it. It is not that he didn't appreciate people wanting to show him gratitude, and he always tried to be polite to them, but it was vexing nevertheless. It wouldn't happen so often as the beginning, but it still made a small trip last hours sometimes. He was always knackered after any Diagon Alley expedition.
That day was worse than ever. An old witch accosted him to say how sorry she was for Lily, another stopped him for half an hour talking about every single death happened to her relatives, her neighbour's relative and friends of the neighbour's relatives. Two others again to shake his hands and to sympathise.
It took a whole hour to make the scarcely one hundred steps that was separating him from the post office. It would have taken less to modify his appearance by magic and he regretted very much not to have thought about it.
The post office was quite busy in the morning hour, but fortunately a big tawny owl adapted for long trips was available. He paid the silver sickel required and tying the letter to the owl's leg told him the address. He watched him fly in the gloomy sky praying it would come to something because if this failed, he didn't know what else he could do.
The rest of the week passed by without any news from Hermione. She was still not showing up for work but on Sunday Harry got a short note from her informing that the following day she had intention of returning to the Ministry and asking him if he was willing to go together. With a jolt, he answered in the affirmative and the next morning was waiting impatiently for her at the corner of the street.
She appeared from the usual small alley where she could apparate not seen by anybody.
She was wearing her business suit. She, unlike Harry, was very formal in her appearance when going to work, despite it wasn't strictly necessary. Her bushy hair was wild as usual, and she had a very tired face gaunt and pallid.
That didn't stop Harry to be happy to see her. They were often meeting to walk to work together. They could just apparate both there from their respective places of course, but they liked to share that moment in the morning, it gave them a chance to chat. Despite that walk, the time spent together was nevertheless a lot as their respective departments were linked together, working elbow to elbow. They helped each other in very tight spots time to time and Harry's job was much easier with Hermione's collaboration. Nothing seemed to work without her.
'I'm not gonna ask you how you are doing' he said starting to walk with her at his side.
'And me neither' she answered.
'How's Ron?' he asked, by the answer he would have known anyway how she was.
'Better, I believe. We are at my parents, it's much quieter there and he discovered a whole new world with television. I don't think it is healthy but at least he is not in bed anymore'
Harry nodded 'It has been wise to move there'
'It won't be for long anyway, and I'm sure you know why…' she said without looking at him.
'I don't know what you are talking about'
'Yes, you do. You can fool Ron but not me. You wrote to Charlie. How could he possibly know otherwise what was happening? Where could he get the idea to try to convince Ron to move there if somebody didn't suggest it to him? I realised it could just be either you or George. Molly and Arthur would never have done it.'.
He didn't answer and kept walking.
'It was good thinking I have to admit. And Charlie has been very convincing with Ron. I hate the idea to leave England, but we haven't got any other choice. Ron will never be able to get over it here. But in Rumania… Nobody will know him there. We can start a new life' all of this was said serenely even if Harry could detect dejection in her tone of voice.
'When are you leaving?' he asked subdued. His plan had worked and that was his only consolation.
'Ron is going in two or three days with Hugo. Charlie, Cleo and Ion are waiting for them. They will help out looking for a place. It will keep him busy and Charlie thinks there may be a vacancy in their import export office. That would be great for him. It's kind of the same job he is doing now but being dragons involved I hope he will like it better' she sighed and continued purposedly 'For what concerns me, I will have to stay here at least a month to sort out everything at work. We will keep the house, I think. The idea is to return in England for summer holidays so hopefully Rose will be able to keep attending Hogwarts. We will see for Hugo when the time comes. He may have to go to Durmstrang. It's closer'.
This was just what Harry was hoping. The only sensible thing to do. He had considered himself more than once to leave England for a country where he would pass unobserved but Ginny wouldn't hear of it because of her family and Harry liked his job so, in the end, it had come to nothing but for them it was lifesaving. All the novelty would have kept Ron busy and interested and there wasn't anybody there reminding him of what he had done. It was sensible and well planned but it didn't stop Harry to keep thinking how much he would have missed her.
'The Law Enforcement is going to go to the dogs without you.' he lamented 'Who's going to take your place?'
'I don't know for sure yet. I still have to speak with the Minister for my resignation, but I imagine either Richard Langdon or Helena Heyhurst' Hermione said reflecting.
'Do I know them?'
'Richard is the big bloke with dark hair sitting close to the window, and Helena is the tall blonde one that sits close to my office. I think they are both…' Harry didn't let her finish alarmed 'The bloke! The bloke! Pick the bloke!' he stopped in the middle of the pathway suddenly, taking her hands in his own 'Please Hermione! This is important, pick the bloke.'
Hermione snorted annoyed 'Can I know why?'
So, Harry recounted in a few words of the encounter with Helena.
'You just need to swap "talking over a cup of tea" and "listener" with a single word and you understand what she meant. I tell you it was quite explicit, even me couldn't fail to grasp it!' he said keenly.
She slid back her hands and started to trot briskly leaving him behind 'Harry, first of all, I'm not the one choosing.'
'But you can influence!' he said keeping up with her.
'And second' she continued ignoring him 'It would be unfair. She is as capable as him'.
'Hermione if she gets picked, I will be in a dead end! It will be very awkward to work with her, not to say impossible if I don't shag her. If I do, it's going to be the time that Ginny chuck me forever!' he said in desperation 'Do you want this?! Do you want me to have to choose between job and family?'
She rolled her eyes 'Are you not exaggerating a bit the whole thing?'
'No, I'm not. Definitely not!' he said eager.
'All right, all right, I will see what I can do' she muttered defeated.
'Cheers, Hermione! You are the best!' he said patting her shoulder happily.
'Ah and… Hermione...?' he added to get her attention just before reaching the entrance.
'What else?'
'I will miss you. A lot.'
'Oh Harry…' and two big tears poured from her eyes rolling swiftly on her cheeks.
Chapter 28 - Won't you feel lonely?
Harry didn't need to inform Ginny about the news. By the evening she knew already. From Hermione's parents to the Burrow, to her. She was greatly agitated.
'What do you think about it?' she asked while with a flick of her wand a knife started to chop potatoes.
'I think it's a great idea' he answered while perusing the Daily Prophet. Not much about him thankfully and a lot about some house elves strike. He made a mental note to show it to Hermione the next day at work.
He then remembered that it was just one month and then she would be gone.
The mornings and the evenings were always the worst for him. Lily's absence was felt the most. It seemed like the echo of their steps could be heard through the house as empty as it sounds.
'I suppose so. I wonder how Charlie came out with it…' Ginny mumbled in meditation while with another flick a spoon started to stir the gravy in the saucepan.
Harry closed the newspaper laying it aside 'I wrote to Charlie, and I explained the situation. I asked him to persuade Ron to move there' he admitted frankly.
She almost let her wand drop 'You what?! Why didn't you tell me?' she exclaimed in surprise.
'I didn't want to say in case it would end up in nothing' he answered 'I thought it may turn out to be the best solution for the problem. The only way for Ron and Hugo to get over the whole thing. And you know Ron, he always welcomes novelty. He was so bored at the joke shop. I was sure he would have liked the idea'.
Ginny sat on a chair close to him transfixed 'But, What about Hermione? Surely she doesn't want to go! She likes her job.'
'I know. But they would have been very miserable here. She is smart, she will find something she likes there too.' he said stopping the knife and turning down the fire under the saucepan with his wand to save the dinner. Ginny was still gaping at him.
'But won't you miss her? You are always together! You basically have always some business at work with her, and the lunch breaks, and the going to the Ministry together….'
'Of course, I'll miss her, but I couldn't think to anything else to help them' he said while transferring the potatoes and chicken in the oven.
She was silence for a couple of minutes pondering over it and then she asked, 'Who's going to take her place in the Ministry?'
Harry trying to hide a smile took up the newspaper again nonchalantly to hide his face 'It's between a guy called Richard-something and the shag offerer who is called, by the way, Helena' and before she could open her mouth to retort he added in haste 'I didn't check. Hermione told me, unasked'.
'It's going to be the guy' she affirmed confident.
'Oh yeah? How'd you know?' Harry asked smiling openly now.
'I'm writing to Hermione tomorrow! First thing I do when I get to the office.' she said standing up to take plates and cutlery.
'She says that she is not the one who chooses.' Harry answered pretending to read the newspaper while very much amused in teasing her.
'Oh, she will choose all right!' she exclaimed setting up the table with violence. And then she realised that out of habit she had put three plates on the table. One each for them and one where Lily used to sit.
She faltered, her expression sobering. She took the extra plate and stored it back in the cupboard, halting there immobile; her gaze lost.
Harry stood up reaching her behind, he shifted her hair and kissed her tenderly on the neck. She turned leaning her head on his chest.
'If I turn this Helena in a toad, perhaps, I will feel better.' she joked to turn away melancholy.
Harry chuckled 'You don't need to. She is already a toad to me compared to you.'
The following evening, the Weasleys plus wives, were all meeting at the Burrow to say goodbye to Ron. They were having dinner together.
While Ginny was brushing her hair, she asked Harry for the third time in the space of two hours 'Are you sure you don't want to come?'
'Dead sure.' He answered for the third time.
'Won't you feel lonely here?' she asked for the second time.
Yes, very much, it's gonna be awful but in any case, better than seeing Ron.
'I'll be alright' he lied for the second time.
'Mum will be disappointed' she said frowning. (Second time).
'I'm sure she will understand. It's gonna be much better without me.' (Second time) he said sitting on the bed observing her slight and long fingers braid her red hair.
'I disagree. It won't be better for me.' she said wearing her coat and pecking him on the lips. (First time. Nice.)
'Go or you'll be late' he urged her.
As soon as she was disappeared in the greenish flame the house seemed even emptier than usual.
The silence was absolute and deafening. He started to reflect on how much his life had changed in a space of barely few weeks. First Lily, then Ron and now Hermione. Some of the most important people in his life were gone or about to go. And a series of desolating days were waiting in front of him before the boys would be back for summer holidays to fill the house again. But even then, it would have been still incomplete. Lily's void could not be filled.
He wondered how James and Albus were coping. They already got a letter from each. They were filled with their day-to-day events. Nothing about Lily, which wasn't surprising anyway. It is not something that a boy and a teenager would put in a letter. If they were grieving it was in the inside.
They were growing up fast, especially James who was already in his third Hogwarts year, every holiday he was a bit different, taller and less child looking.
Just a few years back Albus was still asking for cuddles and hugging them spontaneously very often. Now it wasn't the case any longer. Harry was proud to see them growing but he missed them being children. That's why he was happy to have Lily at home.
Harry had experienced her childhood in a completely different way compared to James and Albus. He and Ginny were more mature when they had her. Even if they didn't' show any maturity at the time of conception. She had been a surprise. They weren't looking for another baby. She was the product of one of the few nights out they could get. The children were at the Burrow; Molly and Arthur were having them for a weekend to give them some time alone. They had decided to go to a muggle party in London. They were going to these kinds of events when they had the chance. It was easier for Harry to enjoy himself among muggles and it was always an exciting experience for Ginny not so used to all the technology involved.
They got home completely wasted and the morning after they could barely remember to have had sex at all. Harry remembered the hangover very well though. One of the worst.
When Ginny, about two months later, had realised to be pregnant, they weren't overjoyed. To be completely honest, they were on the verge of tears.
Albus and James had just started to be less challenging, more self-sufficient, and the thought to start all over again, especially for Ginny, hadn't been welcomed with enthusiasm at first.
Harry started to feel excited only when he found out that it was going to be a girl. He had always wanted a girl. He was very curious to see how different it was going to be.
And it had been different. They created a very strong bond straight away. Being summer he had a whole month to help Ginny out. It hadn't been an easy delivery and it was he, who mostly took care of Lily in that first month, he would give her the bottle, change her nappies, wake up during the night when she was crying so Ginny could get the rest she needed.
It had been difficult, when September came, to return to work. But the bond was created, and it just grew stronger. As soon as she could speak, and people would ask her the idiotic question that sooner or later is always asked to any child "Do you prefer mummy or daddy?" she would always answer "daddy" without hesitation. He pretended not to be affected by it while inside, his heart melted every time.
When she started to grow up, he had done things he would never have thought to do in his life; shopping for pink glittering things, playing with dolls, going to birthday parties where he had the chance to find out that girls can be much more challenging than boys: Tittering, asking embarrassing questions just for the fun of seeing you embarrassed, bickering. He had found himself in great difficulty in handling the situation a couple of times. Between mothers (which acted exactly the same as the girls) and daughters, he didn't know what was worse. In the end he had left this task to Ginny. It was more than he could bear. He felt much more at his ease with boys' birthday parties where with a broom or a ball, depending on the context, they were all happy and busy.
He had been intrigued about the future that was waiting for her. He had amused himself in thinking what kind of girl she would grow up to be, his reaction to her first boyfriend and so on.
He still hadn't absorbed completely the fact that she wasn't there anymore. He wouldn't stop to think about it to protect himself.
He hadn't approached her room. It was there all the time in the corner of his eyes. His gaze was continually caught by it, clenching his heart in an iron grip. The impossible wish to find her pet there, sleeping or playing, was never leaving him, he had to restrain his mind many times not to indulge in that treacherous hope. Once before he had been attracted by a promise of something unreal with the Mirror of Erised. Watching his parents in the reflection he had longed for them, longed for a family he never had, for the idea of it, but now it was more dangerous. He craved for something that he had and lost. He must find the strength to confront it. Alone this time; no Dumbledore helping him in accomplish this dire task.
He decided to do it that night. He wasn't sure about his possible reaction, and it was better to find it out unaccompanied.
He pushed the door and got inside. Everything was how it had been left on Christmas day. Clothes were on the floor, and toys and Christmas presents were lying all over.
He started to tidy up. He put the clothes on the hangers and in the wardrobe, the toys in the toy box.
When picking up her rabbit plush, that had fallen on the floor, he realised how silly this tidying up was. He had done it instinctively without reflecting on it.
He sat on the bed and placed the plush against the pillow. On the side table was lying Lily's toy wand and the calendar she was using to cross out the days to Christmas. Funny how it had all a different meaning now that the last cross was the day she died.
It was all covered by a layer of dust. 'Terego' he said to take it off. There wasn't much on it besides the crosses. But when he looked at July his heart sank. On the 31st of July she had drawn a heart 'dad' she had written with her uneven calligraphy and just besides, on the 30th of July, another heart 'Lily' for her birthday.
It took his breath away.
This was not a good idea. At all. Why am I inflicting this to myself?
He stood up and left the room as sorrow was starting to flow in his head unstoppable. From now on neither Christmas nor his birthday not even any other day of his life would be enjoyable any longer.
How can I stop this? This is never going to leave me!
He thought desperately. That pain would always been there lying on the bottom of him. He would eventually stop to be so violent, but it would always be there nevertheless ready to awake any moment.
How can anybody live this way?
You have done it in the past, you can do it know. It's only more difficult.
I just can't, I haven't got the strength.
He let himself fall on his bed, wishing that Ginny would be back soon. It was a torture to be home alone with his own thoughts. He couldn't bear to stay there with all this going through his head. He needed to shake it off somehow. He needed to do something to chase away these unhealthy thoughts.
And in the spur of the moment, he had an idea.
I'm going for a ride.
It was a long time he didn't touch a broom and now it was the perfect moment for it; the night was dark, and he could use the window on the back of the house.
He got his broom from the cupboard. It was a very good one. Bought recently. But between job, kids and being in London he had scarcely used it.
Getting ready he was reminded about his firebolt lost so many years before when he and the other seven Harrys had been pursued by a Death Eater and Voldemort. He never went to look for it. He had not the remotest idea where it could have fallen, and they were so high in the air that it probably had smashed somewhere on the ground below. He was reminded of the day he got it, Ron gaping faces and Hermione's doubts. He felt nostalgia for those times. It was just before things started to go downfall when he still was a careless kid. He wasn't that much afraid of Sirius Black wanting to kill him. His youth was protecting him from real worries and his life seemed positively carefree and fun comparing to the following years.
Harry wished he could return a thirteen-year-old boy, playing quidditch and joking with Hermione and Ron. He had had definitely some very hard moments while at Hogwarts but also some very enjoyable ones. He wished for those now. But they were very far off behind him.
He got to the window, mounted his broom and took off. It was a wonderful sensation to be out flying. The icy night air lashed his face pushing away all the uneasiness of the evening. He accelerated at maximum speed enjoying the sensation of freedom. Very soon all the London's lights were far away under him. He could see the Thames sliding sinuously in the middle of it.
The vastness of the city always had the power to sooth him and put everything in a different prospective. All emotions don't matter how powerful and overwhelming they seem; they are nothing really if you look at them from so much above.
But then, at one point, you must always get back down.
Ginny was waiting for him in bed reading a book. He felt better than he thought possible considering how the evening had started.
He got to kiss her, but she pushed him away 'Don't touch me, you are freezing'
He laughed 'Is this how you welcome your lovely husband?' he answered going to get ready for the night.
She kept reading studiously 'My lovely husband left the window open. It was colder inside than outside when I got back'
He shouted an apology from the bathroom.
'So, how was it?' he asked slipping under the duvet close to her.
'Subdued, I dare say...' turning the page of her book 'we talked about Ron's plans, and we said goodbye. But it wasn't as usual. Nobody joked or laughed. Not even George. The fact that you were missing didn't improve the mood.'
'Trust me, it would have been worst with me there.' He said starting to kiss her shoulder and going up to the neck.
'You have been inside Lily's room' she affirmed keeping her eyes on the book.
He stopped immediately and turned away from her. Why did she have to mention Lily? He was fine, for once he was all right and now all the bad feelings were back again.
'How was it?'
'Fun! I enjoyed myself immensely' he answered in angry irony.
She didn't reply for a minute and then she said 'We will need to do something about that room.'
'Ginny, are you punishing me because I didn't come tonight?' he retorted losing his patience.
'I'm not punishing you! I'm just saying. We cannot leave it as it is forever'
Harry knew it but he didn't want to think about it and he was annoyed with Ginny to have mentioned it now.
'Why not? It is not as if we need that room. We can even board it up and not think about it anymore.'
He heard Ginny shutting her book and she turned off the light.
'You know that we cannot. We need to do it'.
'It's not even a month for god's sake! Just leave me be!' he raised his voice upset. Why all this hurry now? She was indeed punishing him.
They didn't talk for a while, but he couldn't fall asleep. He was too vexed.
He then felt Ginny's hand on his back, she sighed 'I'm sorry Harry. I was indeed punishing you. Though not consciously.'
Harry didn't move nor spoke. He wasn't softened.
'I just had a very desolate evening at my parents', and I took it out on you. I'm sorry. It was unfair.'
'Ginny, you cannot do this. This is much worse than unfair. You can't use this to vent out your feelings' he didn't turn to face her. He felt resentment for how she behaved. It wasn't justified. He would never have done it.
No? Really? Do I need to remind you what you did to her? I'm sure that was justified…
The voice inside him disagreed apparently. And probably with some reason but he still held on his resentment.
There was silence for a while and then he heard a crying sob.
Why and why women have to cry so much? And why I cannot just ignore it?
He turned towards her as the anger subsided faster than it came, drove away by her tears, and took her in his arms consolingly 'Come on Ginny. Don't cry. It's all right'.
It wasn't easy for neither of them. He couldn't blame her too much. Even if just a sprinkle less of mood swings would have been appreciated by Harry. It was a few days already that she had been very temperamental. Harry was having some trouble in dealing with it especially because it seemed he couldn't do anything right. Sometimes she was scolding him basically just for being alive and a moment later she was all sweetness and tenderness. Or crying. Like now.
'I'm awful Harry, I'm so sorry' she wailed in tears huddling up against him.
'You are not. It's also my fault. I could have been more sensitive I guess...' and then to make her laugh 'and maybe I could have closed the window behind me before leaving'.
She chuckled between tears 'Yes, that was pretty horrible of you. I almost froze to death!'
'I've done it just to be able to warm you up now.' He joked keeping her close to him.
She laughed softly and then was silent.
'Harry?'
'Mmh?'
She didn't say anything for a while and then she broke down again 'Why did it have to happen to Lily? Why to our child?'
Harry sighed at loss for words. He was asking himself the same question every day.
'I don't know…' he answered, her shown grief mirroring his inside one.
Chapter 29 - I've got only Ginny left
In the following month Harry started to get used to the house's emptiness and silence. Although, every morning he had to compel himself to get up and go to work. Many times, he felt like turning on the other side and lying in. Ginny, who had a more flexible job, often would do just that. After the first few days where she had tried to be strong for Harry's sake, now she was falling in dejection. She was often sleeping. Sometimes Harry would leave her asleep in the morning and find her, when he got back from work, still asleep, he would have a run and when back, she was still asleep, he would prepare her some food, but she barely touched it and then, she would be asleep again.
She wasn't eating much; she was pallid and frequently unwell. Harry was gaining back the weight she was losing.
He would sit beside her, caressing her head, his heart closed in a grip 'What can I do to help you? Just tell me.' he would ask her. But she was always either saying she was just tired or asking for triviality like water, or things of that kind.
Harry didn't know what to do anymore to keep up her spirit. He would spoil her and cuddle her and humour her, but nothing seemed to do any good.
He felt inadequate and in defect. She had done so much, just a few days before, to sustain him and now that she needed the same support, he wasn't up to the task. He was striving but couldn't find a way to help her. She was sinking in a sea of sorrow and he couldn't stretch his hand far enough to catch her.
It was like living with a sense of continuous suffocation, as having something oppressing his chest and not being able to get rid of it. Only with an enormous effort he could keep going day after day with no real prospect of an improvement in his mood.
At work it was busier than ever, between his job and Hermione's handover (the guy was chosen in the end thankfully) he didn't have a moment to breathe. Which, all considering, they were the only uneasy-free moments of his new life.
People had started to behave normally toward him again, or at least, as before the Christmas holidays. It was impossible to expect to be treated as anybody but, even if he didn't like it, he was used to being stared and pointed at by now. It was, under many aspects, an improvement against the commiseration looks and mourning tone.
Hermione was often having dinner with them. Ron was thriving in Rumania and seemed to be satisfied and in a better state of mind. Hugo too was getting used to the novelty with Ion's help. She was relieved by this and they managed to have some good time keeping each other company. She would sleep over time to time, it was melancholic for her to get back to an empty house and they were glad to have her there, it was a distraction from their gloom.
The last evening in England was spent with them. She was leaving early the next day. She had organised all the stops by floopowder to the customs houses of every country separating England from Rumania and the whole trip was going to last a few hours.
Harry could see dejection in Hermione, but she made her best to hide it. Ginny was feeling well and, on the whole, they managed to have a cheerful dinner.
When leave-taking approached, Ginny hugged her tightly asking her to write very often which she promised. They had very much bonded since the Hogwarts days and their friendship had grew steadily as years passed. Marrying Ron, she as him, had become part of the Weasley family.
Only a few months before Ron and Hermione were the people they would hang out with the most, sometimes spending together even the summer holidays. Therefore, Ginny was saying farewell to one of her best friends. But for Harry, it was much more than that. He was losing a friend, a sister, a support, an adviser, his conscience...
Hermione, together with Ron, had been his only family for many years. The people he cared most when he was a kid. And now there were only Ginny and his children dearest to him.
She had been short of a sister, a companion in his darkest hours bearing all his ill humour.
She had always believed in him even when the world in general wouldn't, she had always helped him even when against her better judgement, she had always trusted in him even when he felt insecure, she had always comforted him when he most needed to be comforted.
And when they grew out of being kids to become adults, she had been his best listener, a person to whom he could confide what he wouldn't to Ginny, not to trouble her, and what he couldn't to Ron, because of his envy.
When he was a boy, he had enjoyed more Ron's company. It was all about having a good time, joking around and having trivial conversation, although, it didn't change growing up, it didn't develop with them, it was still what it was when they were kids, but Harry's needs from a friendship had changed, and Hermione, in time, had supplanted Ron in many aspects, he felt more at ease with her in talking about his marriage, when there were some issues and asking her for advice of any kind. He knew he could always count on her for anything. She was always there, for him, whenever he needed.
He was parting from somebody of the most importance for him. The only friend he had left after losing Ron.
He was aware that he would have seen her again and heard from her very often, but it was not going to be the same as having her everyday close at hand.
He could already envisage all the loneliness of the next months up to summer holidays.
'Who's going to tell me off when I'm doing something wrong?' he joked sadly once they were about to say goodbye. They had walked in the park. It was desert at that hour, a safe spot to disapparate.
She laughed, but it wasn't a cheerful sound, it was a laugh hiding a sob. She was surely feeling all he was feeling. 'You will have to rely on yourself alone. But I taught you well. I scarcely must tell you off nowadays. I'm proud of you!' she said patting his shoulder. Her hand lingered there though, her wet eyes catching the little light coming from a crescent moon, her lips slightly open as if to say something, probably a goodbye she hadn't the courage to utter.
'You should probably go now. You'll get cold' he said, pronouncing for her that farewell, he thought, she couldn't bring herself in giving.
She couldn't answer. Words would have set off those tears that she was trying to keep back.
She just stared at him for few moments, a glance full of emotions. Both sharing without words the pain of a separation after twenty-four years of daily companionship.
She laid both her hands on his shoulders, holding her eyes on his, and standing on tiptoe, she drew him towards her and let her mouth, that couldn't express itself in words, convey her feeling in a kiss.
Harry was expecting it, he wasn't surprised by her approaching him, probably if she hadn't, he would have done it instead. They were exchanging kisses time to time to greet each other; it wasn't anything new or disturbing. They were just friendly kisses like the one she was giving to Ginny.
But this was not it. And he realised it right away.
She kissed his lips, and that already in itself was bizarre, she had never done it before. They were usually kissing on cheeks, and moreover, this wasn't even a peck, it was a proper kiss, soft and dense of feelings.
A kiss like many he had received from Ginny, and her alone. Perhaps Cho Chang in the past, but not even.
Harry was shocked and confused.
Is this normal?
He was afraid to mention it in case he was misunderstanding and what she meant was indeed a friendly exchange.
But it couldn't be.
He had never seen friends behaving this way. And if Ginny was kissed in the same way by a male friend, he was sure he would have had a violent reaction. But, then, he would have had the same even with a peck so perhaps it didn't count.
She still had her hands on his shoulders and was looking at him, steadily, without any trace of wrongdoing in her look.
'Hermione, what are you...' he started saying, still undecided whether to speak his doubt, but she didn't let him finish, she dissolved his unfinished question sliding her hands behind his neck and kissing him again. This time passionately, trying to part his lips with her own.
Ok, this is definitely wrong.
The incertitude was gone. It was surely not a friendly kiss. He had to stop it straight away. He pushed her away from him scared by her incomprehensible behaviour.
'Hermione what the hell are you doing?'
She looked at him with round eyes, her chin started to tremble as if about to cry. But Harry didn't want to see any tears, he had seen enough of them for a lifetime, he wanted an explanation.
'Do not even try to cry!' Harry warned her sternly 'What was that?'
She gulped two or three times attempting to stop what was threatening to emerge any time since the beginning of their walk 'Harry, I'm sorry but I think… I… I'm in l….'
'Don't say it!' Harry entreated, understanding in a flash what she was about to declare, in an urgent attempt to stop her.
'…love with you'
She said it.
Harry was thunderstruck. His brain in a frantic activity rooted him on the spot.
'This is a joke.' He said as soon as he found his speech again, regretting to have asked her for an explanation that, he now knew, it was better not to receive.
Hermione shook her head, biting her lips in great distress.
Harry panicked 'Hermione, this is an awful moment of our lives, we are all upset. This is just loneliness you are feeling!' He wanted to reason with her, desperate to make her eat her words. They were still in time to pretend nothing had ever happened.
'Harry, I've known to be in love with you for years.' She said meekly looking away from him.
'What?!' he exploded 'For years?! How many years?' he asked aghast. He couldn't refrain himself in asking those questions of which he didn't want to hear the answers.
Hermione started to fidget 'I don't know! Many? I don't know' she said shaking her head, confused, backing away sensing him upset and scared of her own daring in declaring so much.
'Ok, I need to sit down.' He said overwhelmed slumping on a bench not far off. He took off his hat and passed a hand in his hair trying to calm himself and succeeding only in panicking more. It was getting worse and worse.
This is not happening. This must be a joke.
But Hermione was in front of him abashed, looking anywhere but towards him. Her arms crossed and flinching. There was too much emotion under his eyes to be just a joke. It must have been the truth. And by the sound of it, it was something she had been harbouring for a very long time.
'When did it start? Why? Did I do something I shouldn't have?'
'No, you didn't do anything, besides being yourself' she hesitated sheepishly and then she resumed 'It's my fault. Please Harry don't ask me specifically when. Please.' She implored him in agitation 'It started a very long time ago. Longer than you probably imagine, I'm ashamed to own how long it has been. I've always known it and never admitted it, not even to myself, up to recently'.
Harry was bewildered. He tried again to reason with her 'Hermione, you are married to Ron! You must love Ron; you have always loved Ron!'
She shook her head 'No Harry. I've known not be in love with Ron for a very long time. I care for him, but the love is long gone. I loved him surely at first. But I was in love with you too after a time and then only with you' She almost whispered the last few words. It was dark but he could see the blushing on her cheek as if it were daytime.
The bewilderment left Harry, to be replaced by irritation and disappointment.
'This cannot be true! You cannot be in love with me! I'm hot tempered, I get angry very easily, I'm impulsive and I can be quite stupid at times, you said all of this yourself! You said that you would never have me! Those were your words!' he yelled at her in a temper. She had lied for all these years. He felt deceived.
One of his few relationships that thought genuine and real was crumbling under his eyes in an unstoppable avalanche.
She started to fret more than ever.
'Harry, I know I've said it. And I mean it all! I forced myself to be convinced of it! I reproached myself many times for this feeling. I've tried everything to suppress it. I promise you, I did! But I just couldn't!' and the tears that she was trying so hard to repress gushed finally from her eyes.
'I just couldn't' she repeated, pleading him with her expression to understand and forgive her this compelling infatuation she hadn't been able to kill.
Harry was very upset by now. She was destroying one of his certainties. He had always believed in their fellowship defending it when people affirmed that friendship between men and women was impossible. Now he found out that it was true, at least for them. Ginny was right.
She is always right for heaven's sake! From now on I will be submissive, and I won't argue with her anymore because she is always right and I'm always wrong. And I will save myself a lot of troubles.
'I thought we were friends' he said looking at her disappointed, hurt.
Hermione's face was panic-stricken 'We are friends! I've always tried to be a friend to you! I tried to be selfless! It's only that you were looking at me and I knew that we wouldn't see each other for a very long time, and I lost control!'
'This is not friendship Hermione.' Harry sighed desolately.
They had both nurtured a one-way sentiment in two different directions.
He thought about all the time he hugged her, took her hands, kissed her, all the time she slept at their place and he even got advice on his marriage!
While he was behaving with her as with a sister, she was actually wishing for him. Under this new light all seemed disturbing and reckless.
How is it possible I've never noticed anything?
The answer was that he never even considered possible Hermione being in love with him. That's why he failed to notice.
And because I'm a blind git.
He was certainly not excusable, but she had been much worse.
How could she have allowed herself to play this dangerous game? She should have kept distance. Harry realised that probably she had fantasies over him, perhaps while she was with Ron, and that sickened him slightly. He had allowed her to form them with his inconsiderate behaviour.
'What do you expect from me?' he added disheartened 'Why did you even have to tell? Did you think you had some hope or something?'
She looked away mortified without replying.
Oh, my god perhaps she did! This is all my fault! I'll never and ever even look at another woman in the eye again.
He scowled at himself. He had to suppress this without delay. He couldn't allow it to go any further. There was just one remedy for this. He had to be ruthless.
'Ok, right. Let's deal with this as adults' he said changing attitude.
'First of all: Does anybody know about it?'
She shook her head.
'Good. It will stay that way!' he stated firmly and stood up, now resolute in his own purpose.
'And now for the worst. Hermione for your own good I'll be brutal. It is necessary, ok?'
She nodded weakly almost crouching on herself ready to get the blow.
Harry sighed again. He was sorry for the pain he was about to inflict but it was essential and unavoidable.
He looked at her straight into the eyes and with conviction, marking every sentence severely, he said:
'I'm not in love with you. I will never be. Never! You have been a friend to me and nothing else. I love Ginny, and her alone. There are no possible chances, not even in a million years that I will break up with her, for you. And not even cheat on her. There can be nothing between us if not friendship. And right now, until this nonsense is over, not even that. I am not going to write to you, and you are not going to write to me until you are over it. And this summer, if you are in England, you will find excuses to see me as little as possible. Is that understood?'
It was like stabbing her with every "never" and "nothing", but he wanted his meaning to be clear without any possible misinterpretation.
She nodded, her expression heartbroken. After few moments she started to sob uncontrollably.
Normally Harry would have hugged her, in a different situation it would have been impossible for him to witness her anguish and not comforting her, but the shock of the revelation helped him to refrain in doing so. Now that he knew how she felt, he couldn't allow himself not even the smallest sign of tenderness.
He just made her sit down and waited for her to stop crying, he didn't trust in offering even a handkerchief.
When tears subsided, he said sternly 'Now you go home, and tomorrow when you get there you will write to Ginny. You will pretend nothing happened and everything is fine, all right?'
She nodded again mopping up her tears with her sleeve.
'Ok, I'll wait for you to disapparate.' and he added 'And you should probably revise your marriage. Ron doesn't' deserve this.'
And strange as it was, he meant it. He felt sorry for Ron. With all his faults he was a good man and deserved a wife that loved him.
Hermione stood up and looked at him as if wanting to speak but Harry didn't want to hear anything she had to say. Nothing she could add would have mended what she had just broken.
'Hermione, just go please' he urged her.
She flinched, hurt by this parting coldness and with a last look of longing and regret she took the step that separated them irreversibly.
New lesson: I have to mistrust and always be on my guard against any female human being but Ginny and Hermione.
Let's rephrased it: I've got only Ginny left.
Chapter 30 - Tricked like a fool
Harry was having problems in believing what had just passed. It was so surreal. He felt enraged against himself for having allowed this to go unnoticed for so many years. He had to be more guarded. Ginny was right, Hermione was in a delicate situation and despite Harry always considered her no more than a sister she was a woman with feelings and desires. He had to be more careful.
Now however, it was too late, and Hermione couldn't be more lost to him than she was now.
He remembered what he told Ginny not so long ago about the possibility of having sex with Hermione. He could have done it without love, just for fun, but he could never have kissed her the way she kissed him. It was too intimate, there were too many hopes behind that kiss that shouldn't have been there at all.
Hermione's feelings were stronger and deeper than Harry thought possible. And there was nothing else to be done but to keep her far from him. He was relieved now they took the decision to move away. It made things easier.
He hadn't been a good friend to them. He had repaid their loyalty and sustain by estrangement. They would have been much happier in their life without him.
There was a cloud of misery following him since he was born, and all the people connected to him were infected by it sooner or later.
When he got home, Ginny had fallen asleep on the sofa waiting for him.
She woke up when he kissed her.
'You have been away long' she said yawning.
'Not very long' sitting close to her.
'How was it?'
'All right. We just said goodbye' he lied.
'How are you?' she asked cuddling close to him
'Actually, I feel doomed for misery' he answered enveloping her in his arms 'Very soon you will abandon me, my sons will become dark wizards and I will have no choice but chuck them in Azkaban and I will die alone, friendless and miserable'.
'Mmmh… I see we are in a good mood' she said to him 'Nothing of what you said is going to happen, I'm sure. And it is not as you will never see Hermione again. It's only until summer'.
Yeah, right.
'I thought to invite Ted over tomorrow since it is Sunday. What do you think?' she asked yawning again.
'Good idea. You could ask him for some advice for your weakness' he answered but by the end of the sentence she was already sleeping.
The next morning, the desire to be out running was stronger than ever. The necessity of making order in his head essential.
The evening before was still in his mind, it had been a strong blow, and he costed him to keep it secret from Ginny. But it was for the better. He didn't even want to imagine her reaction in finding out. Nothing good could come out of it. It was unfair that because his friendship with Hermione was ruined theirs should end too. In time for sure she was bond to realise something. Especially in summer, both if they were going to meet or if they didn't. But there wasn't any point in worrying about it now.
For a moment he indulged himself in the idea that Hermione could realise to have been wrong. But even if that was the case Harry knew very well that it couldn't be back to what had been. There could no longer be the same carelessness, he would have always felt restrained in his behaviour towards her. Now his eyes were open to the fact that she was a woman and therefore, she was to be kept at a distance like all the other women. It couldn't be helped.
He ran to Primrose hill and stopped there to enjoy the sight. Days were starting to get longer and, in few weeks, spring would be upon them.
They had received that morning a letter from the boys all eager for summer holidays to come. He had read it to Ginny while she was in bed and it had had a wonderful effect on her. A smile had appeared on her face, she had got up straight after it, went to the kitchen and started to plan an elaborate lunch for Ted. He had left her there cheerful and busy and his heart had lightened. Their happiness was linked inextricably, a smile from her was a guarantee of a smile from him.
When he got back, he could hear fast talking coming from the kitchen. Ted must have arrived while he was out.
'I'm home' he shouted.
The talking stopped abruptly.
It's never a good sign when that happens.
In the kitchen he found Ted sitting at the table with a cup of tea and Ginny was standing her expression troubled. As soon as she saw him, she smiled but it wasn't a genuine smile.
'What's wrong?' he asked.
'Nothing' Ginny answered a bit too hastily 'If you want to take a shower, I'll prepare some lunch'.
'What's wrong?' he asked again darkening.
'Nothing, Harry' Ted interjected 'I just advised Ginny to go to St. Mungo's to get a potion since she is not feeling that well. And she got worried' and turning to Ginny 'but you have no reason to. Considering the situation, it's probably just the mood that influences your body'. She looked back at Ted widening her eyes slightly and then she nodded slowly.
Harry lightened 'I agree. But go and ask them for a potion anyway. It's been weeks already you are feeling down'.
They had a pleasant lunch, despite Harry couldn't fail to notice how little Ginny ate. They chatted about Ted's training; in a few months he had to choose his specialization.
'I'm thinking to go for the mind field. Hermione gave me some muggle books about it, and I think we have a lot to learn from them. They have a proper role, psico-something, to treat the mind which is not about potions making at all. It sounds really interesting.'
Harry felt a bit uneasy at the mention of Hermione's name but tried not to show.
'I couldn't think of anything more appropriate than that. You'll do great' he remarked owning that, probably, all that could be learned from those books, he had already mastered from the age of three.
'Did you ever meet any of those psico-thingies while you were living with your uncle and aunt?' he asked eager.
Harry could almost hear his uncle speaking "Bunch of time and money wasters! They should be forced to get a proper job!" 'Ergh…. No… Not really... But I'm sure it's an interesting profession'.
After a slice of apple tart as dessert, Ginny excused herself to go and take a nap 'You'll tidy up here, will you?' she asked Harry while leaving the kitchen.
Harry started to collect empty dishes sensing Ted's eyes on him.
'How was Hermione's farewell?' he asked eventually.
Harry had no intention whatsoever to tell Ted the truth. Nobody ought to find out. Although, he was wary as he always had the impression that Ted could read his mind.
'Fine' he just said 'We had dinner here and we took a walk. She must be there by now.'
Ted was silent for a moment but then piped up abruptly 'I know what happened.'
Harry who was carrying some glasses to the sink let them drop in surprise. They shattered in thousands of pieces on the kitchen floor. He cursed and taking his wand to repair the damage, hissed between his teeth in Ted's direction 'How can you possibly know?'.
Ted's hair became bright purple as his mouth fell open 'Harry, I was just testing you! Did something really happen?'
Tricked like a fool.
'Is everything fine down there?' they heard Ginny calling from upstairs.
'Yeah, I just broke a glass' Harry answered back closing the kitchen door.
He marched straight to the sink mumbling furiously under his voice 'You, young ones have no respect for adults! You should see me as a father and be deferential!'
Ted laughed heartily at his affirmation 'It's a bit too late to start to be the father after years and years of allowing me to mess around. Let's say that you have been a better older brother. Bill was more the father. So, what happened?' he pressed the matter with a smug smile that really irked Harry embarrassed in having been tricked so easily.
'Scrougify' he muttered to clean dirty dishes and started to put them away. 'If you asked it's because you had a suspicion' he said closing the kitchen cupboard with more force than necessary.
'Yes, I did' Ted admitted frankly.
'Then, you already know' Harry concluded sternly.
'She made a move'
Harry let himself fall onto the chair close to him 'Am I really so blind? Did the whole world notice but me?'
'No, I don't think so' Ted said comforting 'I don't think anybody noticed anything. I just happened to catch a look or two on her face that made me suspect something. But, on the whole, I would say she was quite guarded'.
Harry felt relieved for a second, but he took right after his head between his hands in discomfort 'I'm an idiot nevertheless, I should have realised'.
'You are not an idiot' Ted said sympathetic 'You are just very naive with women. That's all.'
'I know…' Harry said exasperated 'The thing is, I never even considered Hermione as a woman. She has always been just… Hermione.'
Ted smiled cheekily 'Yet, you slept with her'.
Harry darted from his chair outraged 'I've never….!' However, remembering what had happened nineteen years previously, he collapsed on it again 'Yes, actually, now that I think of it, I did… But we were young. Younger than you are now. She wasn't in love with me then. Of that, I'm sure.' And after a moment of consideration 'Or maybe she was, who knows. I'm not sure about anything anymore! Tomorrow I will wake up and I'll find out that I was the evil one and Voldemort had been the good guy all along'.
Ted chuckled 'I thought it was recent. I thought that's why she fell for you…'
Ted, of all people was the only one to whom the mention of Voldemort's name didn't provoke any kind of reaction. Harry often wondered why. He had never asked imputing it to one of his many oddities but perhaps it was because he was seeing him on a more human level instead of the representation of evil that he was for the rest of the magical community.
'Are you mental?' he continued 'Of course not! Ginny would have cut my throat and dumped my body in a ditch finding out something like that. I guess she fell for me because I was too caring, and she was lacking affection.' he admitted dejected but at the same time he remembered what Ginny had said about women feeling involved after sex. Maybe the damage had been done there.
'Yeah, you were always hugging her. I don't know if it was wise considering Ron was never doing it…'
'Are you rubbing it in?' Harry glared at him but then after a moment he asked downhearted 'Is friendship between men and women so impossible?'
Ted took some time to answer while rocking on the chair 'I'd like to think not. But surely it is not easy. There is always going to be some portion of attraction from one side or the other. In your case, you always had this quite fragile triangle Ron-Hermione-Harry.' He said scratching his chin pondering 'It was bound to collapse sooner or later. Ron was too jealous of you and Hermione too needy of affection that she couldn't get from him and the fact that you slept with her, even despite it was so long ago, shuttered it' although he added as a second thought 'Yet most probably it would have happened anyway. The real mistake was Hermione and Ron's. They should have never got together; they clearly aren't suitable.'
Harry acknowledged this as right and it felt good for once not to have to feel all the blame.
'Do you think she is really in love with me?' he asked curious to know Ted's opinion.
'Difficult to say' he answered 'Perhaps not. Perhaps you and Ginny represent what she would like in a relationship. As a couple you wouldn't last two hours anyway. But you will agree with me that right now it doesn't make much of a difference.'
'Yeah…' he assented standing and going to the window 'I'm glad they are there and not here.'
There was silence for some time, both lost in their reflections.
Then Ted with a look of concern asked Harry 'How are you and Ginny doing?'
Harry knew what he meant; he shook his head looking outside the window 'Not well. Ginny is always sick and tired and I'm doing my best, but all of this is crushing me. I cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel, it's a bit like having a dementor always close by. I feel like I will never be happy again'.
Ted didn't answer, sombre, his hair turning a pale blue together with his eyes. He stood up and joined him to the window looking outside to the cloudy day.
'Harry, can I ask you something since you mentioned dementors?' he enquired frowning.
'Go ahead' he answered thinking how appropriate was this analogy with those monstrous creatures. The feeling he and Ginny were experiencing was so similar to the one he had endured many times in his youth. That crippling mind constriction that robbed one of every hope of future wellbeing.
'What's the shape of your Patronus?' Ted asked him, shifting his glance from the outside to him.
'It's a stag. It has always been a stag'
'When was the last time you produced one?'
Harry shrugged 'I don't know, many years ago, I suppose. Why?'
Ted walked about the room. He halted in front of the shelf with the family pictures, he stared at them pondering and noticing Luna's stone he grabbed it.
He started to play with it moving it from one hand to the other and then, smiling, he swiftly threw it toward Harry who caught it easily.
'I dunno. Maybe you should try to cast one again in a few days. Just to see what happens. You might be able to chase your dementor away.'
As he said it his hair turned green as a lush countryside landscape and the stone picked exactly the same shade.
Chapter 31 – Lily's room
A few days later, while Harry was preparing dinner, Ginny shouted from the living room that a letter from Hermione had just arrived.
She walked into the kitchen with it 'Do you wanna read it?'
'You do it and summarize it for me' he replied busy over the stove.
She opened the seal and perused it quickly 'It seems everything is fine. She got some delay in Czech Republic because of some wizards trying to smuggle some dangerous classified objects in the country, but it wasn't a long wait. She said the house is spacious, close to Charlie's and with a pretty garden. Hugo was very happy to see her and Ron too. She writes, as well, to tell you she is sorry…. What for?' she asked looking at him enquiringly.
Damn! Think! Think!
'She realised she left an end of the month report undone. She asked me to finish it. She doesn't want to leave it to the new guy.' he said in a hurry concentrating very hard on the stove not to have to look at her.
'I see… This is so her to worry about a silly report. Isn't it?' She affirmed reading the letter again. 'Do you want to answer, or shall I?'
'Ginny either I cook, or I write. You get the choice.' He retorted about to put some fish in the pan.
'I don't want any fish!' she interjected abruptly before he could do it.
'Why may I ask?' he asked irritated.
'I don't like the smell.' she said resolute.
'Since when?'
'Since now!'
Harry took a big breath and counted mentally up to three 'Ok. all right' he consented making the fish disappear with his wand 'I'll cook something else, but you stop criticizing and write that letter. The owl is waiting. You write from me that she must not think about it.'
She got ink and paper and started to scribble. After a few moments he went behind her shoulder to read.
Dear Hermione,
I'm glad to hear everything is fine, (blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah)….The garden must be lovely…(blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah)…such a nuisance smugglers! Once, while me and Harry were travelling…..(blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah)….Ion is such a nice kid…..(blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah)…Harry says not to worry about the report. He says, as well, not to think about work but just to concentrate on your family. He sends his love. He is cooking (blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah)…
Harry wondered how "must not think about it" could transform itself in three full sentences. Despite it being an inaccurate translation, he had to admit that not having asked Ginny to write in code what he wanted to convey she ended up with something even better and surely Hermione would have been able to read between the lines.
While they were having a fish-smell-free dinner Harry asked Ginny if she felt up to the task to sort Lily's room after it. He felt his stomach clench while suggesting it.
'We can do some boxes with clothes and toys to give away and another with what we want to keep' he suggested.
'Are you sure you want to do it? I can sort it out with mum if you don't feel up to it' she asked in concern.
'As a matter of fact, I'd rather prefer not to. But It must be done, and we will do it together.' he said pushing away his unfinished meal. This dreadful task, still to be accomplished, had been hunting him for weeks. He wanted to be done with it, despite what it comported, to be finally free of the thought.
They got to the room in silence, Ginny made some boxes appear. The clothes and toys took just a moment to sort out by magic. They were stored in no time even if not tidily. They didn't even have to look at them too much which was a relief. However, deciding what to keep was a short of torture. Harry would have swapped with a Cruciatus Curse anytime. On one side he couldn't throw away anything, everything seemed important. On the other side he couldn't bear to keep not even a thing. Knowing that in the house all those drawings, and clumsy crafts and notebooks with her first ABCs, were there reminding him of what he had lost, was a torment. He wanted everything to stay and to disappear at the same time. Nothing seemed right. No decision was a good one.
In the end they made a box with almost everything that wasn't clothes or toys to store in the attic, too tired and dejected to sort any longer. One day, perhaps, when more composed, they would have been able to open it again and do a better job. Perhaps they never would. It didn't matter.
Only the calendar on the bed side table was left. Ginny took it. It was still on the month of July where Harry had left it. She looked at it and her eyes travelled to Harry, immobile, sitting in the middle of the room, next to the boxes they had just closed. She tore up the page from the rest of the calendar 'We will keep this' she said.
She left the room and got back after a few moments with a framed picture. It was a photo taken in the hospital the day of Harry's birthday with Lily just born in his arms. He was smiling absorbed completely by her. She was keeping his thumb clutched in her tiny hand.
Ginny opened the back of the frame and laid the calendar's page behind the picture closing it inside.
'There' she said and left it on the side table.
Harry hadn't moved or spoken. He couldn't do neither. It was painful even to breathe.
Ginny took him by the hand and lead him out of the room closing the door behind them.
'It's done' she murmured taking a big breath. 'We can have a tea before bed, what do you think?' she asked forcing a smile.
Harry nodded still feeling a knot in his throat. But she was right. It was done. And the worst was behind them now.
Chapter 32 - Patronus
Two days had passed since that evening, Harry was getting back from work. He was tired and low. That day a murder of a young muggle women had been discovered and there were all the marks indicating a death by dark magic. They had, as well, a pretty sure idea of the culprit. A dark wizard on which already a few investigations were underway. It wasn't the first time he witnessed a murder, and it wouldn't be the last, but Harry always felt somewhat to blame himself. If he had just spent a bit more effort in the capture of that wizard, maybe that woman wouldn't have died. It was silly, Harry was aware of it. He couldn't stop all the murders in the world but nevertheless it never left him indifferent. It wasn't an easy or fun job the one he had chosen; he gave him a lot of satisfaction but also moments of discomfort. And nowadays, they affected him more than ever.
For that reason, he wasn't exactly in a good mood when he got back home.
Ginny was in the kitchen standing behind a chair her expression grave.
'Something wrong? How was work?' he asked kissing her forehead.
'I didn't go to work' she just said.
'Why? Didn't you feel well again?' He couldn't understand why Ginny was refusing to do something about it. It was high time to ask for some advice at St. Mungo's.
'I feel all right. Harry, I need to speak to you.' Her expression set.
Harry felt a tinge of panic. Hermione. Ginny found out. But how? She must have told her. Why for heaven's sake?! As he was opening his mouth to explain why he had decided not to tell, his inner voice warned him hastily:
Shut your mouth immediately! You don't know what she wants to talk about. Maybe you just forgot to take out the rubbish or something. Shut up and listen before a self-denunciation.
Wise.
He closed his mouth.
'You should sit down' she added.
He did as he was told and waited patiently for her to speak first.
She was silent and then she said 'I don't know how you will take this'
Ok. It isn't Hermione. Close call. So, what then?! What? Why everything together and now?!
He started to feel very annoyed and upset.
'What in the hell happened now? What else? Don't we have enough problems as it is?' he blurted out irritated.
'Keep calm' she admonished him.
Harry slammed his hand on the table darting up 'I'm calm! Don't' you see?! I couldn't be cooler! So, what happened?! James has been expelled! The Fidelius charm is broken, and we need to move! That Phil-guy tried to make a move on you again! I'm going to break his neck this time!' He started to guess randomly getting angrier by the minute.
Ginny interjected 'No Harry, none of those. But you are not calm enough! I'm not going to tell you until you are more composed.'
'Ok' he said trying to master himself. He took a big breath and sat down 'Ok, I'm cool. I won't get upset' Ready to get upset worse than ever 'What is it?'
'I'm pregnant'
…..
…..
…..
'Excuse me?!'
She started to fret and rant so fast and incoherently, it was difficult to understand.
'This is all your fault! You're always so careless and it's always me who must think about contraception. It must have happened just after Christmas and I was so confused, and I forgot, I wasn't in my right mind and you didn't care and it's always me! And now it's late! You're not gonna touch me again till' you don't learn to be more mindful!'
By this time, she was greatly agitated. Violent sobs were shaking her, she was swimming in a flood of tears, her face red and congested.
Harry stood up alarmed and got to her 'Ok, now calm down. Calm down and breathe' he entreated her. He made her sit down, got a glass of water from the sink and made her swallow it. He kneeled in front of her and dried the tears from her face with his hands, all the while his brain reeling madly failing to absorb the meaning of what she just disclosed.
'Better?'
She nodded; her eyes still wet and enquiring, waiting for his reaction that was late in arriving.
'Are you sure about this?' he asked trying to subdue that steady buzzing that was preventing the new notion to make its way.
She nodded again faintly, probably fearing his reaction at this piece of information since in the past, when she had communicated the same, it had never been too gracious. 'I've no idea how I could fail to realise; it was so obvious. Ted opened my eyes on Sunday. He told me that probably it was the reason of my sickness and it just made sense. I've been to St. Mungo's today and it's confirmed.' She concluded.
And that affirmation succeeded in dispersing the cloud of confusion. A name had pierced it.
Ted.
Harry was brought back to the previous Sunday while chatting with him. 'Maybe you should try to cast one again in a few days. Just to see what happens. You might be able to chase your dementor away.' he had said.
Finally, the significance of Ginny and Ted's words started to flow freely taking over the confusion, filling every inch of him, expanding and mounting. Turning every sorrow, fear and desperation of the last two months in something else. In a powerful, uncontrollable emotion, an emotion so intense he had never experienced before, so overwhelming it was difficult to contain.
Driven by the necessity of letting this pressing feeling out, he drew his wand from his pocket, pointed it above them and shouted at the top of his lungs 'EXPECTO PATRONUS'.
Not a stag, as he was expecting, emerged but a magnificent silver Phoenix shot out from it. It spread out her wings and circled majestic on their heads.
Ted, cheeky little bugger.
And suddenly, as if something that was buried deep inside had been finally brought back to light, a vigorous laugh full of joy and delight burst forth from him.
