"Never Give Up (On Each Other)"
Author: carmen_085
Disclaimer: I do not own any Walking Dead Characters. I do own all original characters.
Summary: In the months before the beginning of the apocalypse, Daryl finds himself homeless, alone, and with no direction. An adult Beth is struggling to balance her job, sick parents, and the farm. Feeling like the world is suffocating her, will taking a chance on a stranger change everything ? Can these two find what they need in each other before life as they know it ends and they must do anything to survive. AU but eventual ZA with full cast.
Chapter One
Pulling her car into the usual spot, Beth cut the engine and sighed. The sun was just beginning to sink below the horizon and yet the day remained oppressively hot. Massaging her temples she let her eye slip closed for a moment. She was tired; exhausted to the core if anyone was asking but like usual, no one was asking. Beth had a job to do, just like her daddy always used to tell her; problem was these days it seemed like there were just simply too many jobs.
Keys, purse, lunch, water bottle, phone. Checking herself one last time she hit the button to lock the door and began walking toward the hospital. It was her last night, three twelves in a row with minimal sleep. Working steady nights wasn't something she wanted to do, but with all of her responsibilities at home she didn't have much of a choice. The doors of the hospital swooshed open as a welcomed wave of air conditioning rolled over her. The hospital used to simply be called Mercy Hospital; it had been founded and run by nuns for almost forty years when their habit of charity care finally caught up with them. In the past it was fine to look over a bandage or some medications here and there, but as technology advanced so did the price of being sick. The hospital went bankrupt a few years ago and Grady Memorial, the biggest health system in Atlanta, bought the building shortly after. Now it was called Grady Memorial Senoia. The units had been redone, the equipment updated, more doctors came from Atlanta to set up speciality practices. It had been good for the community even though some didn't see it that way.
Beth tried not to concern herself with the larger problems of society seeing as how she had enough of her own to contend with. In her opinion the biggest upgrade to this place had been the coffee cart in the first floor lobby.
"Evening Beth…will it be the usual tonight?" Staring at the menu she had memorized five times over she slowly shook her head.
"No…I'm feeling like an iced mocha tonight." The blonde girl behind the counter smiled warmly as she turned to assemble the ingredients. "You know…you better put two shots of espresso in there for me." Amy turned offering Beth a supportive smile as she nodded.
"Last night huh? At least you can get some sleep tomorrow." Beth forced herself to smile in return. Her eyes drifted to the floor as she sighed.
"I hope so." Losing her train of thought Beth stared straight ahead as she listened to the espresso machine work its heavenly magic. She didn't snap out of it until Amy handed her a plastic cup of chocolatey, coffee goodness.
"Wow, girl you really looking like a zombie tonight….hope it's an easy shift." Sliding Amy a five, she smiled and nodded her thanks before proceeding to the elevators that would take her up to the ICU.
It wasn't a big unit and certainly not like anything you would find at the main facility downtown, but they were almost always full. Since more doctors had come from Atlanta they were seeing sicker, more complicated patients. Beth had been working here for eight years now; straight out of nursing school. In the beginning it was hard and she was perpetually afraid that she might screw up and kill someone. After a while, though, it got easier and she got better at it; now she was confident and relaxed. She had even become a preceptor for new nurses and that was how she met Rosita Espinosa. They were practically the same age, and Rosita had been a nurse in Texas before moving to Georgia with her boyfriend, Abraham, who was stationed at Fort Benning.
Taking a long sip of her mocha, Beth swiped her ID through the time clock before proceeding to the break room where the nurses gathered for a team huddle at the change of shift. In the back corner, Rosita waved her over as she weaved through a sea of outstretched navy blue legs and tired faces. Night shift was no one's favorite, it was just something that had to be done.
"Oh thank God you're here….I thought I was going to have to be alone tonight." Beth smiled and rolled her eyes. There were plenty of other nurses here but she knew what Rosita meant. Working with a friend was just different….better…and it made the night go by quicker. Slipping her lunch into the refrigerator; Beth's nose tickled with the smell of hours old pizza left sitting on the table from the shift before. Idle chatter died down as the door opened and the night shift supervisor, Pat, walked in, a wry smile on her face. Leaning into Beth's ear Rosita whispered, "If I have the shitter in 16 again I'm going to kill someone."
Taking another sip of her coffee Beth smiled shaking her head, "You know I'll help you."
Rolling her eyes Rosita replied, "That's not the point."
"Beth- Rooms 14 & 15, Rosita- Rooms 16 & 17." A loud groan came from her friend as she slouched down in the chair.
"Fuck my life. Seriously…" Smirking at her Beth pointed out an obvious truth.
"At least you don't have 15, crazy drunk was yelling out his daughter's name all night." Rosita hummed her agreement as the two friends listened to the staff updates and general bitching that occurred before the start of each shift.
Rooms 14 and 15 were situated at the far end of a long hallway. Beth had been in the same assignment last night and was familiar with room 15, but the man in 14 was new to her as she set her things down on the desk outside of the rooms. The ICU had been newly redone last year; the walls having been freshly painted a soothing sage green with dark wood tiles to match on the floor. At night it was relaxing and pleasant with the lights turned down and the only sound a cacophony of beeps and whirs. Monitors and ventilators, continuous dialysis and towers of IV pumps; all humming together as one.
Looking up Beth's eyes caught the day nurse, Sasha, in room 15 tightening his restraints with a shake her head. "Please try to relax, sir….please." Exhaling loudly, Sasha squirted a dollop of hand sanitizer into her palms as she laid eyes on her relief.
"Good luck, girl, that's the third time I've had to tie him back down." Beth's lips drew into a thin line as she realized that tonight was going to be just as exhausting as the last two had been. After getting report from Sasha, Beth settled herself down in front of the computer to look over both patient's charts. Sasha had told her everything that happened and what still needed done but Beth liked to always double check for herself.
Room 15 was Philip Blake; he was forty six years old and he had been in the ICU for six days now for alcohol withdrawal. The first two nights he had been sedated but the last few he was awake and screaming most of the night. Not to mention he had already assaulted two nurses and regularly pissed all over the bed soaking the sheets to a sopping, foul smelling mess. Beth had some success keeping him calm the last couple nights and she reasoned that was why Pat had put her here again tonight. Peering over the screen she saw him tugging on the restraints that Sasha had just tightened. Her eyes slipped closed for a moment as she sighed; one more night.
"Hey it's too early for that now." Pat stood next to her peering into room 15 over the reading glasses she wore at the tip of her nose. "If he gets wild again tonight I'm calling Siddiq down here and he can deal with it himself." Beth smiled at the older woman and nodded her thanks.
"He was ok last night; maybe he wore himself out today fighting those restraints." Pat cocked her head as she shook it in doubt. Humming a dubious reply she rubbed Beth's shoulder before retreating back toward the nurse's station.
"Let me know if you need anything."
"I will.." Trailing off Beth returned her attention to the computer as she pulled up the next chart.
Room 14 was Merle Dixon; he was forty four years old and had just been brought up to the ICU from the ER this morning. He was a known Meth user and early this morning his brother found him unresponsive. By the time an ambulance arrived at the motel they were staying at, Merle was in cardiac arrest. Medications, defibrillation, and twenty minutes of CPR brought him back but his head CT from this afternoon showed the telltale signs of brain death. Still, his heart was beating and in some minimal way he was alive. Peering into the room Beth's eyes landed on Merle's brother sitting next to the bed. He stared at the man in the bed blankly, sitting perfectly still as if any movement would upset the delicate balance that was Merle Dixon entirely. Sasha told her that Siddiq and the others had talked to the brother at length today about Merle's condition. He didn't have any questions and simply grunted telling them all that his brother was the toughest son of a bitch that he knew.
Beth's lips pulled into a frown; she found herself doing that a lot lately. It didn't matter how tough Merle Dixon was or wasn't; the fact of the matter was a brain can't survive more than a few minutes without oxygen. Even if he was the toughest son of bitch to ever live it still didn't change the fact that he was gone.
Long gone.
Getting out of the chair she cast a cursory look toward 15 to make sure he was still in bed before stepping into Merle Dixon's room. The lights and the TV were off and aside from the beep of the monitor and the hum of the ventilator the room was silent. The blinds clattered together as the air conditioning unit in the corner pumped out cool air.
"Hello. My name is Beth. I'll be Merle's nurse tonight." The brother's eyes briefly flicked to her before diverting to the floor. He grunted an acknowledgment of her presence and that was it. Turning her attention to the man laying in bed, Beth began her usual routine of vitals, assessment, flushing IVs, double checking pumps, and making note of ventilator settings. She was quick and efficient performing all necessary tasks while also taking stock of the brother, who now happened to be watching her intently.
He was a rough looking man, his knuckles were scabbed over from punching something as his greasy, dark hair hung in his face. His eyes were tiny slits that darted around the room, constantly assessing and reassessing his surroundings. His pants were ripped, his flannel shirt sleeves had been cut off long ago, and there was dirt under his fingernails. He was unshaven and generally unkept. Beth didn't want to draw any conclusions but she wondered if he was also hooked on Meth like his brother had been. Swallowing hard she wondered if he was going to snap off later when his high wore off or when the inevitable happened and she zipped his brother up in a body bag. It wouldn't be the first time someone went crazy in here and it certainly wouldn't be the last.
The last thing she did before leaving the room was to assess his pupils, which Sasha had told her were fixed and dilated, an expected finding in brain death. Gently prying open Merle's eyelids, Beth shined her pen light into his sharp blue eyes. Blown. His pupils looked like a bomb had gone off in his brain. Pulling her lips into a thin line she looked up and was surprised to find the brother staring at her; an unmistakeable look of hope in his eyes.
Giving him a nod she offered a small smile, "No change." It wasn't a lie. She saw his shoulders relax slightly as he offered her a nod in return. Pulling the blankets back up around Merle's shoulders she smoothed her hand over his chest making sure that he was warm as he wouldn't be able to say otherwise if he wasn't. It wasn't her place to talk to his brother about his condition; she knew Siddiq and the others would be around in the morning to have that conversation again.
"PENNY! PENNY !" Beth's shoulders sank upon hearing Mr. Blake next door yelling hysterically. Glancing at the clock she saw that she wasn't even an hour into her shift yet.
"I'll be back shortly to check on him. Let me know if you need anything, Sir."
"Daryl." His voice was soft and rough at the same time as she was barely able to hear it above all the noise coming from next door.
Beth nodding her understanding. "Let me know if you need anything, Daryl."
And with that she as gone leaving him alone to stare at Merle's lifeless body in the bed. Daryl was tight with tension; everything about this situation made him want to get up and run. He was no doctor but he also wasn't stupid. This was bad, really bad. Merle had always been on something; booze, pills, coke, meth…you name it. Daryl had often wondered if one day he would take it too far, and like a damn premonition here he was. That Indian doctor had pretty much told him point blank that his brother was brain dead; heart stopped beating for too long…didn't matter they brought him back. Again he was no doctor but he felt like asking if that was how it was going to be then why did they go to the trouble of bringing him back at all.
Daryl chewed the inside of his cheek as he stared at Merle's chest go up and down. If his brother walked in here right now and saw him he would laugh. Would probably straight piss himself laughing; being kept alive by a bunch of machines while Daryl sat on the edge of his seat hoping for a miracle. It was ridiculous, he knew that, but he couldn't just give up on him. This was Merle; his blood….the only blood he had left in this world.
Throwing a glance over his shoulder, Daryl's eyes caught sight of that blonde nurse. He never really looked at women much; wasn't no point to it. He wasn't gay as Merle and his buddies like to taunt him, he just didn't think he had anything a woman would want. So he didn't look a them, didn't notice them, and certainly didn't feel anything when it came to them. That part of him, if it was ever even there at all, had died a long fucking time ago. A lifetime of abuse and neglect had left him numb and the only thing he did now was exist; one day to the next doing whatever Merle said they were going to be doing that day.
Still.
Still there was something about the way that she ran her hand over Merle's chest smoothing the blankets down and around him that made his stomach clench. It was gentle and caring, and completely unnecessary. Blinking he found that he couldn't stop thinking about it. He couldn't remember a time when someone had touched a Dixon like that. They were trash, had always been and would always be; truth be told he couldn't remember the last time someone had shown him or his brother that sort of kindness. God knows plenty of women ran their hands over Merle Dixon, but not like that. She was a nurse and it was her job and yet something about the whole situation made his stomach twist into a warm knot.
The old house was the on the outskirts of town; just the way his daddy liked it, plenty of privacy to do whatever he wanted. The wood frame siding had been painted white years earlier and was now peeling and discolored. The windows were just as old as the house, single paned, drafty, and rattling. Winters in Georgia had never been that cold but something about this one seemed different. Laying in bed, Daryl listened to the quietness of the house. His old man was out with some friends celebrating the return of one of their own, fresh from prison. It was a brief reprieve from the usual nightly tirade.
Drawing the covers up closer he shivered in bed. There was never enough of anything; Daryl couldn't ever remember feeling satisfied and full a day in his life. There was never enough heat, never enough blankets, damn well never enough food. The door to his room creaked open as he unintentionally braced. His old man wasn't home; his brain knew that but his body was programmed to survive. The wind rattled the window hissing around the cracks in the old wooden frame. Aside from the shivering Daryl laid perfectly still, his eyes shut against whatever was about to happen next.
"Oh honey…." Cracking an eye he saw his mother standing over him in the dim lighting. Her hair was freshly washed and she smelled like shampoo. She wore old flannel pajamas full of holes as she stood there staring down at him with a quilt in her arms.
Never enough love.
Spreading the blanket out over his small frame she smoothed the edges down, tucking the corners in over his shoulders. Daryl inhaled and exhaled staring at her like this was all a dream. The rush of emotion he felt made him shudder violently as tears sprung up in his eyes. He wanted her so bad…..so damn bad. Rubbing her hands up and down she lingered on his chest, rubbing intoxicating circles that loosened a tight knot of anxiety. She didn't have to do this, she wanted to. His eyes pleaded with her to stay.
The door downstairs slammed open as they both gasped. Her eyes darted to the floor and in and instant she was gone; slipped back into the bedroom across the hall. Daryl's eyes overflowed as two little streams flowed onto his pillow.
Never enough of anything. Always too much of him.
"Excuse me, Sir, but visiting hours are over." Daryl blinked coming back to the present as he stared up at a dark haired older woman. She had a clip board in her hand and a badge that said 'Nursing Supervisor'. Looking past her to the clock he saw that it was nearly eleven pm; he must have drifted off. Ducking his head he cast a glance at Merle, he looked the same. The monitor still beeped, the ventilator still hummed, his chest went up and then down. Exhaling he pushed himself out of the chair without a word. Truth be told he had no where to go; he didn't consider himself a hobo but for all intents and purposes he was homeless. Not huddled under a bridge begging for food homeless; Dixons never begged for nothing, no matter how desperate they were. But still, he had neither a roof nor four walls to call his own.
Shrugging the leather vest on he shot one last look at Merle before turning to leave. The 'Nursing Supervisor' watching him go, not a word exchanged between the two of them. It was strange but welcome as most people raised holy hell when they were told to leave for the night. Walking down the darkened hallways Daryl's eyes roamed side to side; he knew what he was looking for, even though he didn't know why he was looking to begin with. What would he say to her if he saw her? Thanks for treating my brother like a human. Thanks for making me remember one of the only good moments in my life? Shaking his head, Daryl's greasy hair fell into his eyes.
Nah.
He was good. It was time to leave and he was leaving. No sense in making an ass out of himself when he would need to come back tomorrow. She had been kind; it was her job to be kind. That was it, nothing more to it.
The break room TV provided background noise as Beth sat eating her sandwich. She was never really that hungry on night shift; just wasn't a natural time to eat. Scrolling through the article on her phone she tried to shut her brain off for just two seconds. That was hard anymore, shutting it off, it seemed the more stress she had the more her thoughts would race. Day and night one thing to the next and then next, heart thumping, chest tight, stomach clenched. Sometimes she actually felt like she was dying, crushed under the weight of her life so completely that she physically was unable to breath. And being a nurse only made it worse; it was a blood clot, or a heart attack, or, of course, it had to be cancer. All ridiculous, all unfounded time wasting worries. It was anxiety, pure and simple. She had it in some form all her life; most of the time it had been manageable and she was able to look at the brighter side of things. But now with all the trouble at home there was no brighter side. This was her life and if she knew anything to be true it was just that you got what you got.
Closing the Buzzfeed app her fingers scrolled down to the internet icon. Taking another bite her of sandwich she typed in a familiar query.
Starting Lexapro.
She was nurse and this was stupid going to the internet for random people's opinions on a medication she so obviously needed, but still she couldn't help herself. The bottle was sitting at home on her dresser untouched; her doctor had been encouraging about the whole situation telling her that this could take the sharp edge off what she going through. Sighing Beth scrolled through Reddit message boards and other random articles. She wanted this situation to have a solution that wasn't just popping a pill, but the more she searched for it the more it became apparent that none existed. She was trapped in this life with no end in sight.
"Girlll…." The door opened and Rosita walked into throwing herself into one of the plastic chairs. "I just cleaned 16 up for the third time."
A laugh escaped Beth's lips as she slipped her phone back into her pocket, "What are they giving him to make him go like that."
Rolling her eyes Rosita shook her head, "I don't know but seriously he needs a butt plug." Falling silent Rosita turned her attention to her friend as her expression grew concerned. "How's your mom ?"
Beth swallowed shrugging her shoulders, "The same."
"How long has she been out of the nursing home ?" Beth sighed looking up at the ceiling trying to mentally count the days.
"About a week, I think. Just a matter of time before she goes back. They give her physical therapy and build her up but then when she comes home she does't want to do anything so she slides back down again and gets weaker and weaker."
"Is she taking the injections that the Neurologist in Atlanta gave her?"
Beth shook her her head, her lips drawing into a frown. "No. She won't take anything, never has." Rosita was quiet not sure what to say next to her friend. Beth had a lot to deal with…a lot to deal with all on her own. It was a shit situation and Rosita wished she could do something to help.
The door swung open as Pat came into the break room coffee cup in hand taking stock of the two younger women. Pouring herself a large cup of straight black high octane Lavazza Espresso Blend, she clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth.
"Beth that man was still hanging out in 15….the brother or whatever…I told him visiting hours were over." Beth's eyes flicked up to her Supervisor as she nodded slowly. Visitors weren't suppose to stay in the ICU past nine pm but she hadn't seen any harm in letting Mr. Dixon's brother…Daryl…stay where he was. She had looked in on Merle after settling Mr. Blake and his brother had been asleep in the chair. Sighing she knew the policy but he looked so tired and so worn out that she just overlooked it and kept on about her business.
"OK, Pat. Thanks." The hope and desperation in his eyes briefly flicked through her mind as a shiver came over her. Something about his eyes…..something about him….made her heart ache in an unusual way. The ICU was full of misery and sadness and most of the time she didn't feel much anymore; these people were strangers after all. But once in a while something or someone got to her. Usually it was the very old sitting by the bedside of someone they had loved for a lifetime unable and unwilling to let go. Sometimes it was children crying for a parent who would never come home, not understanding the finality of death. Daryl Dixon was a rough looking man; someone she might shy away from in a dark alley. And yet….yet there was something so honest in his eyes. Beth couldn't explain it but Daryl Dixon had got to her.
"You cold ? I have my jacket out at the desk." Looking up, Beth shook her head at Rosita.
"No I'm fine. Mine's in the car. Can you cover my patient's while I run out real quick ?" Rosita nodded as a smirk came to her lips.
"Yeah but if Blake gets crazy I'm not making any promises he'll be alive when you get back."
Throwing a laugh over her shoulder Beth headed toward the elevators. The lobby was quiet this time of night. One of the housekeepers waved to her as he drove the floor buffer in circles over the white tile. The coffee cart was closed and dark as the lobby door swooshed open letting a wave of heat wash over her. The air conditioning inside could be a bit much in the summer, but Beth didn't really need a jacket. She just wanted to get out of there for a moment; take a deep breath and look up at the night sky.
Breath.
The parking lot was well lit but Beth could still see the stars overhead. Taking deep breath she crossed her arms over her chest as she willed the tension to loosen. She was going to get through this, she had to. Exhaling deeply she pulled her keys out; she needed to get back up there, it wasn't fair to make Rosita watch two assignments. Swinging the door to the blue Camry open she grabbed her black Grady Memorial jacket off the front seat. Behind her a door slammed as she jumped not expecting anyone else to be out here this time of night. Closing her own door, Beth cast a glance over her shoulder. Movement near a beat up brown truck caught her attention as she saw someone crawling into the bed. Not wanting to be caught staring she peered over the hood of the SUV parked next to her.
In the meager lighting she recognized Merle's brother, Daryl. His long hair hung in his face as he settled himself into the bed of the pick up. It was warm and not necessarily the strangest thing to do but it struck her in that moment that he didn't have any place else to go. Sucking a sharp breath in she watched him not able to tear her eyes away. He sat there for a moment staring at nothing in particular, his knees brought up to his chest, his greasy hair falling in his eyes. Taking a cigarette out he lit it taking long drag he looked up at the same stars she had just begged to help her calm down. Then, without, warning he took the cigarette from his mouth pressing the burning end into the back of his hand. Wincing slightly, he let it drop between his legs forgotten as a wave of emotion came over his face. Beth's lips parted feeling a deep ache in her chest. Despite the soft summer symphony of cicadas and tree frogs common in rural Georgia, Beth heard the unmistakeable sound of crying. Sorrowful, hollow sobbing. He kept it muffled, obviously not wanting anyone else to hear….obviously not wanting anyone to bother him.
Putting her head down Beth suddenly felt like an intruder as she quietly slipped back inside the hospital. He was just another family member of another patient who was dying; why did it make her feel like this ? Why did he make her feel like this?
The sun was just beginning to lift above the horizon as Beth slid behind the wheel of her car. The rest of the night had been quiet and she was thankful for that; now she could go home and try to get some rest. Turning the key she cast a sidelong glance at the beat up brown truck that was still parked in the same place as last night. A part of her wanted to go over there and check on him, but then she quickly dismissed that idea was foolish and went about her way.
Sighing Beth pulled out and pointed the car back toward the farm. The drive was only about twenty minutes but somedays she wished it were longer. More time to clear her head and get ready for whatever she was going to find when she got there. Breathing in and out, Beth tried to settle herself. Despite being dead tired her brain was still skipping from one thing to the next working each idea up into a frenzy of irrational thoughts before moving on to the next.
The farm house was bathed in an orange glow as she guided the car down the winding driveway. It looked beautiful from afar, perfect and idyllic. The cattle grazed, the horses roamed about the pasture, the porch swing swayed delicately in the breeze. Pulling the car into her usual spot she gathered her things before slamming the door. Her back hurt, her feet hurt, and most of all she had a fucking headache like none other. Taking the steps slowly she prayed that everything would be in order and she could just collapse into bed.
It was quiet when she opened the door, her German Shepherd Mazie trotting over to greet her. Dropping her keys in the dish and her purse on the floor, Beth sighed letting her shoulders relax for just a moment.
"Beth….Beth…help me." It was weak but she heard it and she knew exactly where it was coming from. A normal person might have a jolt of panic go through them and maybe she was that way in the beginning, but not anymore. Now her stomach sunk with dread. Mazie followed her up the stairs and leading the way to the back bedroom the dog paused the doorway looking back to Beth. Sighing she pushed the door open.
"Oh Bethy what took you so long ? I've been yelling for help." On the floor next to the bed, her mother laid in a puddle of urine. Her pajamas were saturated and there were red marks on both elbows from where she tried to push herself up. Beth bit her lip and she bent over, grabbing Annette under both arms she lifted her back up and onto the edge of the bed. She was strong, she lifted people at work all the time. Lifting her mother, though, was nothing the woman had withered way to maybe eighty pounds.
"How long were you on the floor, Mom?" Annette ran a hand through her hair as she shook her head.
"I don't know maybe a few hours…" Before she could finish Beth cut her off.
"A few hours ?! Why didn't you call me at work ?" Annette clicked her tongue as her daughter bustled around the room looking for clean clothes and new diaper.
"I just lost my balance, that's all. That damned vertigo is flared up again." Rooting around in the drawers, Beth sighed as she shook her head.
"You have MS, mom, we've been over this a hundred times. That's why you're weak and you fall." Annette was silent as Beth came to stand in front of her with change of clothes and a new diaper. "Do you want to get into the shower or can I just wipe you off?" Beth prayed for option two, she was too damned tired to do much else.
"I can take care of myself, Beth. I am your mother after all." Beth just stared at her mother stifling the urge to throw the clothes on the bed and walk away. This was hard enough, having a mother with a debilitating neurological condition, but then she had to go and make everything a fight. Silently she began pulling her mother's shirt over her head replacing it with a clean one. There was no use taking about it anymore, clearly they would be getting no where. Making quick work of the situation she put her the soiled clothing in a laundry basket before sopping up the mess on the floor with a towel. Beth's work sneakers, the shoes she had yet to find the time to remove, squeaked as she crossed the house toward the laundry room. She was beyond tired she just wanted to sleep so badly.
Next was breakfast. It didn't have to be anything fancy but it did have to be processed down in a food grinder so that her mother could swallow it without choking. The disease having robbed her of the ability to do even the simplest of tasks. Watching the scrambled eggs, tomatoes, and cheese spin round and round Beth's eyes wandered toward the basement door. The crack underneath the door was black meaning he was still asleep with the shades tightly drawn. Must be nice. Before she could think about it she stomped toward that door yanking it open and flicking the lights on.
The basement of the farm house was partially furnished and partially root cellar where Beth kept her homemade jams, jellies, and sauces that she made all summer. On the other side was a TV, a couch, and a recliner. Coming to stand next to the couch Beth obnoxiously snapped the blinds up so that the bright sunlight could filter in.
"What in the sam hell is going on here ?" Pulling the cheap fleece blanket off of his face, Hershel stared at her through squinted eyes.
Beth stared down at him in silence for a moment, anger written across every inch of her. "Where the hell were you last night?" For a moment Hershel was silent his eyes searching the floor boards above for some sort of elusive answer.
"What are you talking about ?"
Beth snorted a wry laughed before shaking her head. "I found mama upstairs on the floor covered in pee…she'd been yelling for help for hours." Hershel's face screwed up for a moment like his daughter had gone mad.
"I just checked on her…." Trailing off he realized it was sunlight on his face and not incandescent light from the bulb overhead. "What ?….What time is it anyway?"
Beth pursed her lips shaking her head. "It's obviously morning since I'm standing here." On the coffee table an empty bottle of whiskey.
"I didn't hear a thing…" Rolling her eyes, Beth tossed the bottle into the trash with a loud clang. "Keep it down would you ?"
Sighing with disgust she put her hands on her hips as she looked at the pathetic mess that was her father. Just like her mother, talking would do no good so there as no point in wasting her time. "I'm making mama breakfast and then I'm going to bed."
Pushing himself up to sitting Hershel wiped his eyes as he tried his best to smooth over the tension with his daughter. "How was your shift ?"
Beth stopped at the bottom of the stairs although she didn't spare him a glance. "It was fine." And with that she gone to leave him to whatever it was that he did with his days now.
It was mid morning by the time Beth slipped into her pajamas. Dead on her feet wasn't quite the word for it. Bright sunlight streamed into the room as she sat at the edge of the bed staring at the bottle of medication on her dresser. Looking down at her hands she felt her chest tighten. If anyone asked her she would not be able to pinpoint exactly why she felt this way. It was everything and nothing in particular. Finding her mom on the floor, her dad passed out in the basement, the farm, her job….Beth forced herself to take a deep breath before coming completely undone.
Pushing herself up she took the bottle of Lexapro in her hand as she stared at the label. Take 10 mg once daily; seemed easy enough. It was easy enough except anxiety begot more anxiety which begot more anxiety which made making logical decisions that much harder. She was a nurse she knew the medication would ultimately help her. But in the mean time there was a chance it could make her feel worse and she could not feel worse than she already did. It wasn't even an option she had too many people depending on her. Her entire family…her entire world was balanced on her shoulders right now.
She never saw this life for herself. She was thirty-one, and she thought by this time she would have a life and a family of her own. She thought she would come to the farm on weekends for Sunday dinners and afternoon rides. She thought she would be watching her daddy play with his grandchildren. She thought she would be calling her mama in the middle of the night asking what to do for a baby that wouldn't stop crying. She didn't ask for this and she definitely didn't want it. When she was younger, Beth told herself that all the suffering would be worth something. That it was a test and there would be the reward of a wonderful life on the other side. But there wasn't and she knew that now. You just get what you get.
Putting the unopened bottle back onto the counter she sighed feeling inwardly disappointed in herself. Drawing the black out shades, Beth flopped into bed staring at the ceiling praying that sleep would come.
She wasn't sure how long she laid there, wasn't even sure if she actually fell asleep or not but when her phone began to ring she thought she was dreaming it. Rolling over Beth moaned before the reality that her phone actually was ringing dawned on her. Sitting straight up in bed, her chest squeezed painfully as she blindly reached for her phone.
"Hello ?" Her shoulders sagged. "The fence near the woods line ?" She groaned now letting her head rest in her hands, her eyes still not fully open. "Yeah….I'll be there. No….No I'll load some split rails onto the tractor and meet you there. OK….see you soon."
Ending the call, Beth sat there looking at her phone. One pm…at least she got a couple hours. Dragging herself out of bed, she sighed. This was her life; no sense in crying about it….just the way it was.
Not sure if there's any interest in this pair anymore. Let me know if you think I should continue this ! Thanks for the time and please review
