'Warren,' she said, 'he has come home to die:
You needn't be afraid he'll leave you this time.'

'Home,' he mocked gently.

'Yes, what else but home?
It all depends on what you mean by home.
Of course he's nothing to us, any more
Than was the hound that came a stranger to us
Out of the woods, worn out upon the trail.'

'Home is the place where, when you have to go there,
They have to take you in.'

'I should have called it
Something you somehow haven't to deserve.'
- The Death of the Hired Man by Robert Frost

Hello all!
Thank you so much for joining me once again in my Brotherhood madness!
I've been working on this on and off for about six months. It's not done but I've got a good amount down. Enough that I'm comfortable publishing at least once a week.

Sorry for being so MIA. Somehow being home is much much crazier than being at school and I haven't had much time to write (or do anything tbh).

Anyway, this fic is one very near and dear to my heart.
However, it does cover some pretty dark topics. The notes have spoilers, but also if you're squeamish I'd look through them. Nothing is overly graphic but there are allusions to the things I have tagged if nothing else.

Full warning, this is NOT John Winchester friendly. It is also not Sam Winchester friendly. The first one he's just a horrible person and the second one he's a hormonal brat but it's slightly less malicious.
And despite the summary, Caleb is like the only safe one in this story. The rest of the Brotherhood isn't "bashed" per say but other characters get angry at all the other characters and honestly it's pretty valid most of the time.
There's a lot of yelling in this fic on Dean's behalf.
It's glorious.

As always, Line is my bouncing board, beta, inspo, and everything else in life and fic world.

This is going to be a long one, so buckle up for the ride!

Tags/Warnings: Abusive John Winchester, Sam Winchester Bashing, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse/neglect, Verbal/Mental/Physical Abuse, Sam is an Idiot, John Winchester Bashing, Cults, Drug Abuse, Pagan Gods, Religious Cults, Human Sacrifice, Implied Child Death, Nightmares

~TH~

Dean Winchester was pacing the small motel room. He kept glancing at the clock. It was dark, it had been for hours. Sam should have been back over four hours ago. His dad may have finally lightened up on the Sam watching but if he got back tonight, which he was supposed to, he would kill Dean if Sam wasn't there. They were supposed to be packed and ready to leave when Dad got back, and that would be any minute.

Should he call his father? Wasn't that what had gotten him in so much trouble last time? Not telling his dad that Sam was missing? If Sam had run off… If Sam had run off Dean didn't think he would live through the experience whether he called John now or not.

That was it. He was going out to look. He would call Dad and tell him that Sam hadn't come home from school and just deal with the consequences. At least this time Damian wouldn't get thrown into the mess.

Dean had the phone in his hand when the door opened. Dean snapped the phone shut as Sam entered, still bundled against the harsh Michigan October.

"Sam?! Where have you been?! I was about to come looking for you!"

"Dude, relax. I'm sixteen, you don't have to hold my hand." The teen rolled his eyes. He'd not been very happy with Dean's over watchful eye the months following his attempted escape. Dean had followed through though, been a good little soldier. Caleb had called a few times but Dean never answered. He knew his dad was checking his phone to make sure his isolation orders were being carried out. It wasn't worth the risk. Dean had written detailed reports of Sam's every move for two and a half months before John stopped asking for them. Dean kept writing the reports until the three months were over, just in case.

Things had been tense since then. Sam, not wanting to listen, always stating that Dean needed to learn to stand up to Dad. John barely spoke to his oldest son unless it was to issue an order. Caleb reinstated contact but Dean didn't have the energy to truly keep up with his best friend. He was burnt out. What he needed was a few days at Jim's to screw his head back on straight. John had told him he wasn't allowed to sleep unless Sam was sleeping, one of the rules John had kept even after the three months. Dean thought that Sam stayed up late some nights just to spite him. It didn't matter. What mattered was that he was exhausted in every sense of the word and didn't have the energy to deal with Sam's attitude tonight.

"You know how Dad is right now! If he had gotten back and you weren't here-"

"He would have done nothing. I was gone for two weeks and he didn't even do anything. It was you who made my life miserable! What would he do with me being gone a couple of hours?"

"He'd take it out on me ! Just like he did last time!" John's actions and physical violence hadn't been brought up again. But it was always sitting in the back of Dean's mind. John hadn't seemed the slightest bit repentant. It might have had something to do with him taking off and not returning until the bruises were almost healed, but he'd never even offered a John Winchester version of an apology. Which was fine. He'd deserved it. And he didn't think his dad would do it again without a just reason. But he couldn't help but wonder if, when , it was going to happen again. This time without Damian or Bobby there to save his hide. The only other person around was Sam, and in the mood he'd been in lately, the teen might just help the Knight.

Sam rolled his eyes, not viewing the incident in the same way. "Only because you let him. He knows better than to try that sort of stuff with me. I don't just sit back and take it. I'm a human being, not a mindless soldier!" The like you remained unsaid but stung all the same.

"Just- just get your stuff together. Dad will be here any minute."

Any minute turned out to be right then. The door slammed open and John Winchester stumbled in. Dean could smell the whisky from across the room. Maybe John would decide to stay an extra night. The alternative was Dean driving through the night and he honestly didn't know if he had it in him right now.

John staggered in, Dean took a step back. Sam didn't move, staring at his father defiantly.

"I thought I told you to have your things packed!" The older man slurred angrily. "A simple order and you can't even follow it!" The comment was made towards Dean, but Sam was the one who spoke up.

"I was out at the park. Since you decided to break your promise and move us schools before the end of the term- I met some of my friends to tell them goodbye. I just got back. Lucky for you, you can sleep off some of the whiskey while I pack up."

John barely even glanced at his youngest. His eyes taking on an almost manic glare. "You let him go out when I told you not to?!" He roared, taking a step towards his eldest.

Dean automatically took a step back, "He never came home from school! I didn't realize that-"

"So you lost your brother, again !?"

"I-I was going to call but it was only a couple of hours and he came back so I-" This time Dean was expecting to be slammed against the wall. It didn't help save his head from the collision, but at least it was expected.

"Dad!" Sam yelped, sounding surprised.

"I-I'm sorry sir-" Dean choked out before the fist met with his stomach. He gasped, folding over, only for his head to be knocked violently against the wall.

"Take care of your brother! That's all I ask of you! Why can't you even seem to get that simple thing right! The last thing I need is to be worried about Sam because my worthless, disobedient, eldest can't seem to get his head in the game!"

This time the fist hit his face. And Dean wasn't quite with it anymore. His head hurt but it shouldn't be that bad, not yet. Maybe he was in shock. Or maybe he was just slipping back into the quiet place that kept the loud noises and disappointment away. He was unsure but he might have been hit again. His dad was saying something else but the words sounded muted and unimportant.

"Dad I swear if you don't let him go right now I will call the cops!" Sam's voice pierced through Dean's haze. "Screw CPS! I will call them right now!"

"Sam-" Dean coughed out, wanting to tell him not to do it. Not to throw his own life away on his account, but he was cut off by the sudden freefalling he was doing. He managed to catch himself before face planting into the filthy carpet.

Before Dean could catch his bearings, he was forced back up and shoved towards the door. His duffel, packed and waiting on the bed, was roughly shoved into his hands.

"Get out." John growled, giving another shove.

"D-Dad?" He stammered, his mind not letting him grasp the words.

"I can't deal with you right now, I can't even look at you! Get out! If you can't even take care of your brother then you're worthless to me! Get out! I don't need a useless burden to take care of! If you won't pull your weight around here then you can leave and stay gone!"

"Dad, please-" Dean wasn't one to beg, but at the moment he didn't see another option. Sam was standing a couple feet behind his father, mouth open.

"No! No more excuses! We'll be better without you screwing everything up! Get out and never show your face around my family again!"

John advanced and Dean walked backwards towards the door. He considered staying, letting his dad sleep off the alcohol and seeing how things looked in the morning. But the rage in his father's face made him reconsider. If he didn't get out now, his father might actually kill him. In front of Sam. He couldn't let that happen.

He found the door knob behind him, pulling open the door and walking through it. The door was slammed shut in his face. He stood there for a moment, staring at the closed door, trying to draw in a solid breath. Sam's voice had appeared, his younger brother's shock clearly wearing off.

Dean didn't know what to do. For the first time in his life he honestly, genuinely, had no clue what he was supposed to do.

The voices on the other side of the door were rising. John wouldn't hit Sam, right? Then again, Dean never thought that John would hit him. He stood there, waiting to see what would happen. If he heard the sound of any flesh hitting flesh he'd go back in, his own safety never his priority. But after a while it calmed down, never escalating past yelling.

Some of the shock had worn off. The physical pain making itself known. The words also began to truly sink in. The words he had thought towards himself, but had never had verbalized toward him. It confirmed his greatest fears. He was worthless. The only reason his dad kept him around was to look after Sam. They didn't need him. They'd be better off without him.

Dean backed away from the door, feeling his breathing speed up. He turned and began to speed walk away. He didn't know where. Just away. The cold hadn't even sunk in yet but about a mile into the trek he realized he hadn't grabbed his coat. He wasn't even sure if he had his wallet. Stopping at a random bench, he pulled open his duffel and looked to see what he actually had. Most of his things were in there, but he'd left a few in the impala and Sam had some of his things in his bag and he hoped above all else that he had thrown his wallet in his bag and not left it on the dresser to grab as he was leaving

The wallet was there. He breathed a sigh of relief. He was running low on credit cards. In fact, he only had one that wasn't maxed out. It might last two nights if the motel was cheap enough. He didn't have much cash, less than a hundred. Dad had had him pay for the last couple places, getting out of town before the boys were even really settled. And Dean hadn't had the time or energy to go out and hustle. He would have to now. Soon if he wanted to eat. Or just… Survive. He could make things work, but it was barely over thirty degrees and he was without his coat. Dean smiled slightly, seeing Sam's hoodie shoved in his bag. He must have tossed in there by accident. It didn't matter. Any warmth would be appreciated tonight.

The Winchester's had been staying at the only motel in town, so he'd have to either hitch a ride or walk to the next one over before finding a place to sleep. The road was pretty much deserted, so it looked like he was going to be walking. It was fine. His father had had him and Caleb walk further on less reserves.

Caleb.

He should call him.

There was also Pastor Jim or Mac, even Bobby. But Dean couldn't. His dad had made his wishes very clear. Stay away. And that meant shared contacts. Sure he was a member of the Brotherhood, but the Knight had all but banished him. An appeal to the Guardian could be made, but why cause unneeded strife? He wasn't worth it.

But Caleb was different. He had to be.

Dean felt a tightness in his chest. He'd made the mistake to switch off survival mode and had slipped into human mode. Something his father had always warned him about. He felt the tears leaking from his eyes, they were warm against his face. As he walked, he felt his breath begin to hitch and it had nothing to do with the exertion of walking. Finally, deciding he had no other choice, not if he didn't want to freeze to death or starve in the next couple of days, he pulled out his phone.

His eyes were still leaking silent tears as Caleb's voicemail picked up. "Hey man," his voice sounded rough to his own ears and he closed his eyes against the onslaught of emotions. "I-I need help." He sounded so pathetic. Maybe his dad was right. "Please just- just call me when you get a chance, okay? Please Damian, I don't know who else- just call me. Please." He snapped the phone shut, realizing with a harsh laugh that it was the second time he'd begged today.

Pathetic. Truly pathetic. Scared and running off to Damian to save him from all his nightmares. What was he, ten? It wasn't fair to either of them. But the lack of sleep and lack of food and lack of peace the last several weeks - months - had drained him in such a complete way that he didn't know that he could hold himself together.

If he couldn't figure something out in the next couple of days, he may just use the colt shoved in his duffel to make sure that he died with some dignity instead of as a starving bum freezing to death in the street.

~SPN~

Sam didn't know what to do. He'd never seen his dad like that. Ever. He'd seen his dad angry. He'd seen his dad drunk. He'd never seen his dad raise a hand to either of them. And he'd never even imagined his dad kicking one of them out.

After Dean had left, the argument between father and son had been the nastiest to date. But John never hit him or told him to leave.

Sam felt crushed by guilt. He'd gone against his father and brother's orders knowing that Dean would get in trouble and not him. It was one of the few constants in his life. His brother would take the fall, the blame, and the punishment, no questions asked. Sure, Sam got in trouble some, but if it was bad enough to warrant anything really bad, then Dad would lay it at Dean's feet. It was unfair, but it was life.

And to be honest, Sam had been hoping to put Dean back in his place. Hoping that a few hours past curfew might just finally click into his dad's hard head that Sam could take care of himself. Having his brother watch his every move had been humiliating. Dean had tried to be a good sport about it, still letting Sam live his life, just with Dean watching from a distance. But it was still humiliating. And Sam needed it to stop. Dean had loosened the reins, so Sam ran with them.

He'd be lying if he said he hadn't considered just taking off again. But he would have been found. No questions asked. Especially now that Dean would run straight to Dad with the news. So he'd come back. Enjoyed the final night with his friends and waited to hear Dean get chewed out for Sam's disobedience.

Out of all of Sam's plans the last sixteen years, none had ever backfired quite as bad as this one.

He wanted nothing more than to call his brother, but he knew better. He could call Jim or Mac, but that would just cause more problems and make his dad even angrier. The only person who could deal with this right now was Caleb.

Sam cursed when he reached the answering machine. "Caleb, it's Sam. I screwed up. Bad. I've never seen Dad so angry… but just… call Dean, okay? You're the only one who can fix this. I need you to fix this because…" he didn't even have the words to say, nothing seemed to express what had gone down in the last several hours. "Because this is bad. It's so very very bad and you need to call Dean before he does something stupid or- just call him, okay?" He shut the phone, running a hand through his hair.

It would be fine. Caleb would call Dean. They'd talk. Dean would go stay with Caleb for a couple of days. If Dad hadn't come to his senses by then, then they would get Jim and Mac involved. They'd force him to apologize to Dean and they could move on.

Everything would be fine.

Dean would be fine.

Afterall, Dean was always fine.

~TH~

Dean's always fine, right?
Would absolutely LOVE to know your thoughts on this chapter! This one has been sitting around for quite awhile. Originally Line and I were like "what would happen if John kicked Dean out (like mentioned in s14) and Dean didn't just come back the next morning when John had cooled down?" And so I wrote that and then it SPIRALED (in a good way).

I marked down 20 chapters. That's an estimate. Could be less, could be more, I could have actually guessed right, who knows? My outline shows anything from 17-22 depending on section lengths so I went with a good round 20 and can update it later if needed.

That's a lot of rambling, but I really would LOVE to know what you guys think!
I'm going to try and post a new chapter every Friday until it's done. If I finish everything then I'll start posting more than once a week.

I recently posted a non-Brotherhood one-shot about Michael wrecking Dean's mind if you're interested :)

Comments are my lifeblood so if you want to keep me happy and writing please comment!
Speculations, thoughts, hopes, dreams, rants, screaming, hating on John, whatever!

Thank you guys so much for being awesome!

Much love and God bless,
Jamie