A/N: So, a lot of you have really been hating Bella. I feel like this chapter isn't going to help with that but if you could just stay with me here, I promise things are going to get resolved.
CW/TW (see the bottom for more details if you're concerned): Situation involving questionable consent, drinking to excess in a party context leading to a risky situation
BPOV
April
"Are you going to get that?" Jacob asked, referring to my phone that was ringing yet again as he walked me home from my job at the club. I'd insisted that he didn't need to and he'd insisted it wasn't safe for me to be walking home alone at that time of night. Normally I would've argued more but I didn't have it in me that night. Besides, these walks with him were kind of peaceful.
I shrugged and needlessly looked at the caller ID. I knew who it was. "It's just Edward again," I said with a shrug.
"More trouble in paradise?"
"He started calling a lot all of a sudden. Recently he's been asking how I'm doing a lot. I don't know, it's just…talking to him can be kind of…a lot. And it's been a long day."
Jacob simply nodded and then that was that. He didn't push. He didn't try to dig deeper. He asked a question, I answered it, and that was that. He didn't try to dig further to analyze the problem from all angles while searching for hidden meaning. Instead, we walked in a comfortable silence for a little while before he started talking about something ridiculous Embry had done in front of some girl in one of their classes.
"I swear, it's a wonder that dude's ever gotten any. He has no game." His smile was wide and his words were light. I tried to match them. Normally it was easy to focus on his words and let their lightness lift me up from the numbness I'd been feeling recently but this time I couldn't. I was keeping Embry's secret but I still sympathized with his pain. No one else knew and they had been teasing him just as much as they teased any of the rest. It was meant to be harmless but I started noticing the tightness in his eyes and the grimace in his smile as he pretended to laugh it off. No, tonight's light topic of choice wasn't doing much to lift me up so I tried to stay in the numbness rather than sink below it, tried not to think about Edward or Charlie or my classes. I had so much work to do but any time I so much as opened a book I found myself staring off into space hours later, having achieved nothing. Poetic.
"You going to your room or ours?"
I shook my head back into awareness. Somehow we'd reached our building without me even noticing. I shrugged my shoulders again. "I haven't heard anything from Leah but that doesn't mean anything. I guess I'll join you if you don't mind. If she's not holed up in our room she'll be down at yours." Leah had transitioned from the casual sex phase of her rebound and had progressed to the honeymoon phase with her new boyfriend. As her roommate the only difference it really made was now I was expected to know the guy's name.
Leah was in the guys' room so after an hour of nodding along while other people talked, I headed back to our room, changed into my pajamas and went to bed. I then spent the next few hours curled on my side, staring at the wall, unable to sleep and trying not to think.
The next morning I woke up exhausted to my alarm. I might have drifted off into a fitful rest about two hours prior but I couldn't be sure. My mind was a jumble and Leah hadn't ended up coming back which would have normally given me some indication of time other than the brightening dawn of a new day. I dragged myself to class on autopilot. My mind was in too much of a fog to be sure which class it was, but enough of a habit had been built over the course of the semester that I could be pretty sure that it was at least the right one. The professor's announcement that there was an exam had me suddenly hoping that I had indeed gone into the wrong class.
I stared at the paper in front of me. The words all rang with familiarity but I didn't really know what to do with them. I started and restarted several of my answers, reaching into the depths of my brain for something but coming up with fragments that might have made up a whole I couldn't figure out the shape of. I put in my best effort but eventually admitted defeat after forty five of the sixty allotted minutes. I handed in my test and left the room to head back to my dorm. I briefly thought about the implications of this mess of an exam. I needed to keep my grades up or else I'd be on academic probation, which would result in the loss of privileges like on campus jobs as well as the loss of my scholarship. But this panic ended up being yet another thing to throw on the pile blanketed under the protective numbness that had been shielding me.
My phone rang when I was right outside the building and my stomach threaded into a leaden knot of dread when I saw that it was Charlie. Terrified to answer it and terrified to not, I pressed 'Accept' and greeted him with as much casual enthusiasm as I could muster.
"Hey Dad. How are things going?"
"Hey. They're going Bells. I just wanted to call since you insisted on staying updated."
"Dad," I chastised.
"Okay. I just know how you are Honey. I'll be fine and I don't need anyone, including you, to be making a big deal out of any of this. I'll get through it."
"Okay. Fine. None of this is a big deal. So what's the little deal you're calling about."
"I got the most recent test results back. After the surgery and then the past month's worth of treatment, they think I'm ready for the second surgery. That'll be happening Monday."
"Okay. I'll come down this weekend then, instead of waiting for next weekend. I mean, I'll still come next weekend, but I'll come this weekend too. I could probably even take you to the hospital on Monday for your surgery just like the last one."
"That's actually the other part of why I'm calling. I'm going to be in the hospital for the weekend before the surgery and then in patient recovery for the week after. I don't know why they're suddenly making such a big deal out of this. But anyways, they're really restrictive with visitors and they're not going to let anyone in to see me for any of that. Something about too much of a risk of infection with all the radiation. So, I guess you get the next couple of weeks off."
My stomach dropped. This was a huge step from any of his treatment up to now. When he got his first surgery there'd been the one silver lining that it was during my spring break so I could be there for him. And he had needed me. They kept him for observation for a couple of days and I made sure to visit as much as I was allowed. Then, when they released him, I drove him home and then took care of him, keeping track of his meds, his food, the house. I don't think I saw anything outside of the hospital room or the house that entire week. And now it was happening again except he'd had a month's more of the Hell of those treatments to make him even weaker and I couldn't even be there for him this time.
"But you'll still keep me updated, right? And let me know if anything comes up? And if you need absolutely anything. You'll let me know if there's anything I can do? Right Dad?"
"Of course Bells. But don't worry about me. Your old man's as tough and stubborn as they get. Everything'll be fine. They're just being extra cautious. I know you've been working yourself hard between school and all this with me but it'll all work out. Now come on, it's Friday. Go be an irresponsible college student. Let your hair down and let me worry about all the mayhem you're getting into. Not to sound too much like your mother, but you don't need to worry so much about taking care of everything. Let the parents do that and keep some of the weight of the world off your shoulders."
I didn't like any of this. Charlie was a man of few words. He wasn't one to give big speeches like this. Clearly something was bad and he wasn't telling me. This was sounding more like a good-bye speech than the lighthearted reassurances he was probably going for. My mouth was dry and I tried to swallow but my throat had practically seized. I bit my lip and took a deep breath in through my nose before answering Charlie that yes, I would indeed go sow my wild oats with youthful, irresponsible pursuits. Then I said good-bye and hung up the phone, wishing I could say how much I loved him without it coming off like an acceptance of his farewell.
I couldn't say good-bye. I'd spent the past seven months trying not to. I didn't want to think about that possibility. I didn't say it out loud. If I just worked hard enough, he'd be able to focus on getting better and he would. I was all he had, all he had to worry about, the only thing he needed to take care of. If I could just take care of myself and help him take care of the day to day things then he could focus on taking care of himself.
And then I wouldn't have to say good-bye.
I rushed back into the building and went into my room without hesitating. I should have as I was greeted to the naked flesh of Leah and What's-His-Name doing a series of acrobatics I didn't realize were relevant to sex. Red faced and mind still reeling, I spun on my heel and left the room before they'd even noticed me, racing down the hall, away from the room, just away.
My feet took me to the guys' door automatically. I knocked the stupid, childish, secret knock that would let me in as quickly as possible because they'd know they didn't need to hide the booze and the weed and any other contraband they used because they'd know I was friend and not authority. Quil opened the door.
"Bella! Oof. With that look on your face I'm going to guess you didn't knock before going into your own room?"
I shook my head no, thankful that there was some reasonable explanation for my red, shocked face.
"Well, the weekend's already started. Want something?" He was asking to be polite. I normally shot them down. Maybe I'd have a beer if they insisted but I'd been trying to keep my head all year, needed to keep my head all year. Because if I didn't, something would slip. But it didn't matter, everything had slipped. I had tried my hardest, and everything had slipped. I was going to fail out of school, I was going to lose my dad, and it was only a matter of time before I lost Edward.
Oh, Edward. If I hadn't lost him already. He was down there in Stanford, studying to be a doctor, with gorgeous girls all over him. And I was just his flaky, unimpressive, failure of a high school girlfriend. Why he hadn't ended it with me I couldn't be sure. Maybe he'd been trying? Maybe it was for the best that I'd shot him down for visits and cut the phone calls I answered short. He wouldn't want to break up over text message.
The thought of things ending with Edward caused me even more pain. If my heart hurt before, it was torn into pieces at that thought. Despite that, it felt inevitable and true.
So, I took the beer. And I drank it down as quickly as I could. I did the same thing with the next. And the next. And when someone called for shots, I participated for the first time. The alcohol burned all the way down my throat to my stomach but it built a warmth through me that tingled through every nerve. The numbness I'd been fighting so hard to maintain was reinforced with a fuzziness that blocked everything. The facts were still there. So were the failures. But the feelings weren't. I didn't even need to try to keep away the feelings.
The guys were excited for the sudden appearance of party Bella. They egged me on and made sure my cup was never empty while I tried my hardest to make sure it was never full. More things started getting fuzzy, not just feelings but the shapes, colors, and lights around me did too. My words were coherent and logical until they got to my mouth. Then it was a struggle to get them out. A few times I found myself completely spaced out only to realize the person right next to me had been saying something, trying to get my attention. Then when I tried to focus on what they were saying, it came out thick and slow, as though one of us was under water. Maybe we both were. The music was loud and was drowning out anything the alcohol wasn't. I sang loudly and off key to several songs that I'd never heard before hanging out with the guys. I think they joined in a couple of times.
Not everyone was having a great time with party Bella. Jacob had nominated himself as my babysitter. I don't know what I needed supervision for or from but he provided it. He'd also been drinking but I think he stopped sometime around the second round of shots. At least, he had when my brain was sharp enough to notice details like that. The room started swaying but it was like it was rocking to the beat of the music along with me. Or maybe I was just dancing. That couldn't be right, I didn't dance.
My phone started ringing at some point and it was Edward.
"Edward! I love Edward! I want to talk to Edward but it's too loud in here. Everyone should be quiet so I can talk to Edward," I said to everyone and no one in particular.
"Come here Bells. You can talk to him in here. It's a mess but at least it's quiet," Jake offered as he led me into his bedroom. I plopped down and then answered my phone.
"Edward! How are you? I miss you! So much! Do you miss me?"
"Bella? Have you been drinking? Are you drunk? Where are you?"
"Oh, Edward. Always so worried. I've been drinking just a little." I raised my hand up with my index finger and thumb just touching, then giggled as I realized he couldn't see. Jake snickered as well at my antics. "And I'm at the dorm of course. Well, not my dorm. Leah's in there doing all sorts of weird sex stuff with her boyfriend. Do you ever want to do weird sex stuff like that? I hope not."
Jacob was noticeably holding back laughter. Edward was less amused.
"I'm fine with what we normally do. Well, I'd like to see you more, and talk to you more, but no, no weird sex stuff. Especially if it's something you don't want to do." He paused for a moment. "Where are you exactly? Is someone there with you? Are you okay?"
"I'm doing so much better now. Today was pretty shitty but I don't want to talk about it. I definitely don't want to talk about it with you. I'm too scared to talk about it with you, Edward."
"What don't you want to talk about? What are you scared of? Where are you? Can you just tell me if you're okay?"
"Yeah, I guess. I'm in Jacob's room right now. We never go in here. Normally we're out there, on the couch or on the floor but now we're in his room. I think he's trying not to pee his pants laughing at me right now. Am I being funny? You don't sound like you're laughing. Being drunk feels great but it makes everything hard to think about. But that's also why it's awesome."
Jacob's eyes widened at around the same time Edward started to sputter from the other side of the phone.
"You're this shit-faced and you're in Jacob's room? He brought you into his bedroom?"
"Yeah," I said in a way emphasizing how obvious it was. "Of course. It's way too loud out there. And I wanted to talk to you. We never talk. And I'm sorry. You call and I don't answer. But I'm scared of talking to you."
"Bella, please. What are you talking about? What are you scared of?"
"I'm scared of…everything. And now things are getting sad again. That's the other reason I don't answer all the time. Talking to you just…" I sighed. "Talking to you is just another thing sometimes. I'm gonna go. Maybe more alcohol will help."
I hung up. Edward immediately started calling again but I didn't want to talk to him. Eventually I just turned off my phone.
I noticed that Jake had a full cup of…something so I grabbed it and drank a huge mouthful. It was sweet and fruity and I hoped it had more alcohol in it. I just wanted to not feel, just for this night. I'd been on a roll but talking to Edward brought it back. I said as much to Jake as I settled back against the wall, still sitting on his bed, his drink in my hand..
"Yeah, is that what this is tonight? You don't want to feel?"
"Yeah, I've been trying since I started college not to feel but there's only so much pretending a girl can do."
"What don't you want to feel?" he asked, sitting on the bed next to me.
"Everything. Nothing. I wish I could just feel nothing. It'd be so much easier to just feel nothing."
"About Edward? Are things really that bad between you two?"
"No. Yes? I don't know. I hope not. But he just makes me feel…so much. He makes me feel the most. And sometimes, I just don't want to feel."
After that, things started to blur even more. Not just colors, shapes, light, or sound, but time altogether suddenly became flashes. Jake and I decided to stay in his room after I wobbled way too much when I tried to get up. We laughed and talked though I didn't really remember about what. I felt light again. Nothing else existed outside of the flashes. His laugh. His blinding white teeth that shone when he smiled. His eyes that sparkled even through the haze of the alcohol. There wasn't any pressure, no expectations, no responsibilities. We were just two friends letting off some steam. I think he asked me more about Edward but I didn't want to talk about Edward. I didn't want to talk about anything. So instead he asked about me and He talked about himself.
"You're great Jake. You're like the sunlight on my dreary days." I giggled and started singing, "You make me hap-py when skies are gray! You'll never know, dear, how much I love you. So please, don't take my sunshi-i-ine away!" I plopped back against the wall with my eyes closed after my spontaneous serenade, a wide smile on my face. My eyelids were suddenly very, very heavy. It was starting to get too hard to keep my eyes open so I started keeping them closed.
"Is that what I am Bells, not just your friend, but your sunshine?" He was suddenly very close. He had his arm around me now, like he so often did when we were on the couch. But we weren't on the couch. His arm was around me, not just behind me.
I sighed contentedly, leaning into him a little bit. He was so warm and leaning into him was comfortable. "You're you Jake. You walk with me and talk with me and keep me company and cheer me up without making me sad. I love you Jake. You're a great friend."
"I guess I can deal with that. As long as you like me best."
"Yep. That's why you're my best friend." I giggle-snorted at my own pun. "I don't know how I would've gotten through all this without you. And now I'm that mushy, overly emotional drunk girl." I snorted with irony. "Now all I need to do is drunk dial my ex." Gravity was getting stronger and I was getting more tired. The exhaustion was blending with the alcohol. And Jake's shitty dorm mattress was so comfortable.
"Nah, you already talked to him," Jake said with a laugh. I didn't really understand what he was talking about though. He was still really close. Somehow we were laying on his bed, side by side though I had no idea how that happened. The small size of the mattress combined with his large frame meant we had to stay pretty close.
"Jake, I'm really tired but there's a lot of loud people out there still and I don't want to go back to my room. It's so far and Leah might be there doing more weird naked stuff. I don't have anything against weird naked stuff but I don't want to watch Leah and her boyfriend do it."
Jake snickered and then squeezed his arm around me. "You can stay here Honey. Just rest."
~GA~
When I woke up it was slowly, gradually, as my body fought to stay unconscious. I slowly gained awareness. The light behind my eyelids was just a touch too bright. And someone was snoring. Leah didn't snore. Did her boyfriend? I couldn't be sure. How did I even get back to my room the night before? I couldn't remember. I couldn't remember much. I decided to stay motionless on the usually uncomfortable mattress that felt like a cloud, cocooned in warmth, and try to recall the events of the night before and not focus on the sugary caterpillar that had died in my mouth or the chainsaw that sounded way too close.
Okay, I remembered the day, the exam I'd completely dropped the ball on, the phone call with my dad, walking into my room and then walking immediately out.
Maybe it would be a better idea to just embrace the alcohol-induced amnesia.
I finally decided to open my eyes, surprised by the unfamiliar surroundings. Except…they weren't unfamiliar. I was in Jake's room. I sat up quickly, too quickly, causing a shooting pain in my head and a lurch in my stomach to chastise me so I laid back down.
I was in Jake's bedroom. In his bed. I tried to remember why I was in Jake's bed. I peaked an eye open again and discovered the source of the chainsaw. It was Jake, snoring in my ear, completely wrapped around me and pushing me into the wall on my side of the bed. No, it wasn't my side of the bed. I didn't have any claim to Jacob's bed. I shouldn't have been in Jacob's bed.
Taking stock of my state and my surroundings suddenly gained a new sense of urgency. And a new sense of dread. I took note of the fact that I was still fully dressed, including my shoes. A quick peak at Jake indicated that he was too. My clothes were rumpled, but in that wrinkled, worn way clothes get from sleeping in them. They weren't askew or mussed in a way that indicated anything…else having happened.
Okay, my phone, where was my phone? That was simple enough, it was in my pocket. I tried to check it but it was dead. I vaguely remembered turning it off but couldn't quite remember why. I turned it on, hoping it would turn on. It did. With that success, I decided that I really needed to leave. I needed to not spend another second in Jacob's bed, in his arms. Even if nothing happened the night before, this was still bad. This was crossing a line.
I managed to extract myself out of his strong grasp. He grumbled then rolled over with another snore and resumed his deep slumber. I scurried away as quickly as I could in my first ever walk of shame. Despite the fact that I was 99% sure I didn't actually qualify for a walk of shame, I could still feel the shame to the very core of my being.
My phone finished turning on and then it started beeping every possible alert. Missed calls, voicemails, text messages, Facetime requests. All from one person. Oh no. What did I do? It was a thought that was becoming a theme. I sat on a chair out in the hall and started by going through my text messages. It seemed that he alternated so they weren't necessarily a linear story, but I got the picture.
8:52 pm E: I need you to answer your phone. Please
8:54 pm E: I know that you're drunk but this isn't good. You need to answer me. Please. I'm not mad but I'm starting to get really freaked out
9:27 pm E: I can't tell if you're ignoring me or what
9:45 pm E: It keeps going to voicemail. I'm not even talking to you, am I? Is this it?
10:37 pm E: Fine. Have a nice time with Jacob I guess. At least talking to him doesn't scare you
10:39 pm E: Please. Just call me back. Or something. I need to know you're alright
Tears were streaming down my face. I checked the missed calls and saw that there were over a dozen from him. But I also noticed that at 8:37 I had an incoming call from him. I'd answered. We'd talked for just under eight minutes. I tried to remember that phone call. What did I say? I remembered being excited that he was calling. Heck, if there was one thing I remembered from the previous night it was how good I'd felt, how light and carefree. And then Edward called and I wanted to talk to him but it was too loud. Jake had offered his room as a quiet place to talk on the phone. But then he stuck around and hovered while I was talking? He must have left at some point and come back to check on me. It didn't make any sense for him to just wait around right there while I drunkenly talked on the phone with my boyfriend. Then I hung up the phone because Edward said…something and it made me upset. So I had a childish, drunken tantrum and turned off my phone. Then Jake and I hung out. I tried to remember why we didn't go back to join in with everyone but that could've easily been attributed to how drunk I was. I remembered talking and giggling and then just wanting to go to sleep. Flashes from throughout the night were there in various stages of clarity. I remembered lying down and not caring, I remembered Jake lying down next to me. I remembered us snuggling up with each other, I remembered thinking that it felt nice, that he felt nice. I remembered waking up at one point and finding myself wrapped in his arms. I remembered waking up to his mouth on mine. I remembered kissing him back.
Oh no.
I crossed a line. Edward would never forgive me. He shouldn't. He deserves so much better than some loser who can't even get through her first year of college without screwing absolutely everything up. I needed to tell him.
My phone started ringing. It was him. I needed to tell him.
"Hey," I answered timidly.
"Bella. Thank god. Are you alright?"
"Yeah. A little worse for the wear as I'm sure you can imagine but yeah, I'm fine."
"What the fuck was that last night?"
"I'm sorry. I had…a really rough day and needed to let off a little steam but it went straight to sloppy and wasted. I honestly don't really remember much from last night or really anything we said to each other."
"Well that's just great."
"Do I want to know what I said? How stupid was I? Or was I just a massive bitch. I'm…really sorry. I've never done that before."
"You said a lot of things. But, Bella, I need to know. Do you know what you were doing in Jacob's bedroom? Do you remember going in there?"
I exhaled heavily. "Yeah. We were all hanging out in the common room but it was super loud. Jake offered up his room as a quiet space for you and me to talk when you called."
"And that's it? He didn't like, coerce you in there or something? Or not let you leave after?"
I closed my eyes. The shame somehow got worse. After everything, Edward was worried because by getting that drunk, I put myself in a dangerous situation. He was worried about me getting hurt and taken advantage of while I was writing him off and betraying him.
"No. He didn't do anything like that. But-"
"Thank goodness. Listen, we've still got a lot to talk about but I was actually on my way out. Study group. Finals are a little over a week away. Bella, I-I think we need to talk. A lot."
I nodded and then said my assent out loud, taking the coward's way out. "Yeah, we do. Well, I'll let you go then. Bye. Love you."
"Bye. Talk to you later."
I hung up the phone and banged my head against the wall. I was a coward, a cheat, a failure, and a generally awful human being in every way. I was exactly where I was the day before but on top of that I'd destroyed a friendship and betrayed the love of my life in a way that would hurt him, badly. And then, given the first chance to put off doing the right thing, I took it.
I needed to tell him. And I would. But not now, not right before finals. He needed to stay focused. I would tell him.
After finals.
A/N: Okay, one more chapter then an epilogue. I've also got at least one outtake if anyone's interested.
TW, questionable consent, drinking to excess, risky situation: Jacob leads Bella, who is beyond drunk, to his room for fairly innocent reasons. They stay in his room and it can be inferred that he's coming onto her. They end up falling asleep in his bed together and at some point during the night they kiss though Bella can't really remember too much. Bella's pretty sure nothing beyond that kiss happened.
