Crumple Horned Plot Bunnies
By Andrew J. Talon
Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own Harry Potter or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.
A few alternative scenes...
Lord Voldemort had returned in all his terrible power, and gathered his followers to him. After ranting for a while, as a megalomaniac was prone to, he finally turned to Harry, who was tied to Riddle Senior's headstone. Voldemort waved his hand, and the ropes fell... As did Harry. He had one of his lackeys give Harry his wand back.
"We will face eachother, Harry. We shall duel," Voldemort said, "and then you shall die."
"That's great and all, Tom... Just one problem."
Voldemort sneered at Harry's use of his Muggle name.
"Really? What's that?"
Harry looked over Voldemort's shoulder, and his eyes went comically wide. He pointed his left hand at something behind the Dark Lord and his Death Eaters.
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!" He shrieked.
Voldemort and his Death Eaters all swung around, wands at the ready to deal with whatever Potter had seen. They stared into the black night for several seconds, scanning around.
"What is it, Harry? What did you see?" Voldemort demanded.
"REDUCTO!"
The last thing in Voldemort's head was a Reductor Curse... Just before it exploded.
Tom Riddle's newly regenerated body slumped to the ground. A horrific wraith erupted from the corpse, shrieking in rage, as it flew off into the night.
This left Harry with several confused, frightened Death Eaters. He held up his wand, glaring angrily, and said the first things to come to mind:
"I killed Voldemort! Now I'm in charge! BOW DOWN BEFORE THE DARK LORD POTTER!"
There was a very long moment of deathly silence. Appropriate, given they were in a graveyard.
Oh great going Potter, Harry's brain said sarcastically, this is what happens when you let Hermione do all your thinking for you-!
"Hail Dark Lord Potter!" Lucius immediately said, prostrating himself on the cold ground. The rest of the Death Eaters followed suit quickly-Even Pettigrew.
Harry blinked.
Huh. Either I'm a genius, or they're idiots...
"What is thy bidding, my master?" Pettigrew simpered, like the pathetic little suck up he was.
"... Um..."
Bugger. Now what?
Don't look at me, Harry's brain said, I didn't get us into this mess!
Lord Voldemort had returned in all his terrible power, and gathered his followers to him. After ranting for a while, as a megalomaniac was prone to, he finally turned to Harry, who was tied to Riddle Senior's headstone. Voldemort waved his hand, and the ropes fell... As did Harry. He had one of his lackeys give Harry his wand back.
"We will face eachother, Harry. We shall duel," Voldemort said, "and then you shall die."
"Oh no buddy boy," Harry responded angrily, "I'm not dying, I'm gonna escape!"
"HA! Fool! I am immortal!" Voldemort declared, "You're not escaping, you are dying!"
"No I'm not!" Harry replied maturely.
"Oh yes you are!" Voldemort growled.
"Oh no I'm not!" Harry spat back.
"Ohhh yes you are!" Voldemort shouted, now losing his cool.
"OHH NO I'M NOT!" Harry roared back.
"OHH YES YOU ARE!" Voldemort bellowed.
"OH YES I AM!" Harry retaliated.
"OHH NO YOU'RE NOT!" Voldemort roared, the very ground now rumbling in his magical fury.
"OH YES I AM!" Harry screamed.
Voldemort growled, summoned the Triwizard Cup and Cedric's Body, and shoved both into Harry's hands.
"You're escaping and that's final! You cannot defeat me, Potter! You get going, right now!"
Harry sniffled, head bowed.
"Fine... I'm escaping... But I swear I'll get you for this, Voldemort! Letting me escape! You fiendish mastermind you!"
Harry popped out of existence, the Portkey yanking him away. Voldemort nodded in satisfaction.
"That's right, you should know better than to defy... My... Will..."
He blinked. He blinked again. He looked back over at his Death Eaters, all of whom were looking away. One coughed.
For a moment, Voldemort felt as though his head had been replaced with a lollipop, with a wrapper that boldly wore the noun: SUCKER.
"IMPERIO!" Voldemort roared, "we had an incredible battle where my wand and Potter's formed a light show, lots of ghosts of those Potter loved came out of my wand, and those ghosts allowed Potter to escape!"
"Yes, My Lord," all of his Death Eaters said dully.
"Good! Good..."
Meanwhile, back at Hogwarts, an exhausted Harry Potter grinned as he was taken to the Medical Wing.
"Knew those Looney Tunes cartoons would come in handy some day..."
