Chapter 8 – Deepest fear

Harry screamed, and screamed, and screamed in agony. The dream being real in his mind.

'Harry, wake up! WAKE UP!' Ginny was yanking him forcefully to bring him back to reality.

He awoke with a jerk and, despite being so, the echo of his screams was still hammering forcefully, ringing in his ears and loading his mind. Ginny was beside him, her eyes wide open in alarm, but she was alive, she was well, it had been only a dream. The relief had been so overwhelming and intense that brought up convulsive sobs. He hugged her tightly 'You are alive!' he gabbled succeeding a sentence between the sobs.

'Yes Harry, everything is fine, it was only a nightmare.'

The kids were at the door, staring frightened at them. They had run from their room awaked by the screaming.

'It's everything ok. Your dad only had a nightmare, go back to sleep' she addressed them. They looked at him sobbing in Ginny's arm. They had never seen him in one of those fits post nightmares; he had stopped having them when they were still very young. They lingered for a moment undecided but then having been dismissed they returned slowly to their rooms.

Harry kept Ginny against him still sobbing, his heart pumping madly in his chest.

'Harry relax, I'm ok.' She said cuddling him 'Do you want to recount me your dream?'

Harry shook his head, he didn't want to tell the dream, it was too gruesome. He didn't want to horrify her.

'Ok, so then calm down… I'm here and everything is fine…'

He started to get deep breath to calm the sobbing. Disquiet was still holding on him, his heart still throbbing, the silence in the room was so absolute it seemed possible to hear it pounding. Uneasiness wasn't abating. The nightmare had awakened in him disturbing torments that couldn't be relinquished.

'Ginny?' he whispered after a while not knowing if she had fell asleep.

'mmh?'

And a deep ache expanded inside him, the dark and quietness of the room allowed to rise in surface and to voice his deepest fear 'What would I do if you'd die?'

She didn't answer straight away. She caressed him instead, her fingers running through his hair.

'I'm not dying. I'm here with you'

'Everybody is always here until they die'

It had been the same for Lily, for Sirius, for Dumbledore, for his parents. They had been with him, alive and healthy one moment and no more the next. There was no way to know when death would strike.

'Well then, if I should die, you'd just need to find another woman who loves you as I do'

'I'll never find another woman that can love me as you do, you are the only one for me'.

They lay there, immobile, intertwined in a tight embrace, their baby, in the middle, dividing and uniting them 'If you should die, I'd die with you, I'm sure I would, I'd kill myself the next moment. I couldn't bear it. I couldn't bear a life without you.' His voice was faltering, weak, anxiety dripping from every syllable.

'Harry, you scare me. Don't say such a thing' she replied alarmed by his tone taking his face between her hands. He could only see the profile of her head from the pallid light coming from a streetlamp outside.

'You must promise me that you would never do it. You must take care of our children; they would need you.'

He didn't reply overcome by the horror of living a life without her on his side. He knew he'd never been able to. He knew that his mind couldn't have endured a blow of that magnitude. It was already too shattered, too troubled to withstand such a possibility. The dark shadow of the nightmare was still creeping in his mind in all its perverseness spreading blasting vivid images, and the anguish felt when he understood that she had died was still lingering in him, racking him with searing pain.

'Harry, you must promise me that you will never do anything of the kind no matter what' she insisted, her voice eager and uneased.

'I can just promise you that I'll do my best not to.'

I've already done my best not to at least once before.

He kissed her, oppression clenching his heart. This love he felt was a damnation. A living fear of losing her like he lost Lily. Why did he love her so much? Wouldn't have been better not to love? How can a person live knowing that all one cares about the most can be swept away in a moment?

But he couldn't help loving her with all his soul. She was the only thing that kept him sane, the only binding force that kept his mind from crumbling.

When she fell asleep, he silently left the room. He was too burdened to be able to doze.

He went to the kitchen and opened the window. It was a mild summery night, the street was deserted. Harry was sorry there weren't any stars to be seen. It was impossible to spot more than one or two in London.

He took a glass of water and sitting on the windowsill he looked at the sky sipping it. He was thinking about Lily, there was scarcely a minute in which his mind wouldn't go to her. He missed her deeply. He had reversed on her all his love and affection and had been returned with the same, if not more. It had never been like that with his boys. They had always gone to Ginny for tenderness, she was their reference point.

But Lily had always been his girl. His girl to love.

While deep in this reflection Albus appeared in the kitchen, his face illuminated from the light outside.

'Hey' Harry said smiling 'Can't you sleep?'

Albus shook his head.

'Me neither'

'Can I get something to drink?'

'Sure, get it and come here' he said pointing the other side of the sill 'We can keep each other company'

Albus, after getting a glass of juice, sat on the opposite side of him.

'It must have been a very bad nightmare the one you had, you screamed very loud and…' he hesitated and didn't finish the sentence.

Harry looked at him understanding immediately the reason of his son's insomnia. 'Yes, it was pretty bad. Sometimes it happens to me to have this kind of dreams. It was frequent before you were born. You don't have to be scared'

'Is it always the same one? What did you dream about?'

No answer came from him. He didn't want to recall the dream and it was too horrible to be told to a child anyway. It was better to keep his silence.

'Why don't you ever answer my questions?'

It was asked with such innocence and disappointment that Harry felt compelled to explain the reason.

'Albus, I know you would like to have them answered but there are things about me that is best not to tell, they are not nice to listen to, and I don't like to talk about them'.

'At school everybody says that you have done amazing things. Why if they are amazing don't you want to talk about them?'

'Because they are not amazing. When you are a bit older perhaps, I'll explain it to you but right now it is best not to'

Albus didn't reply. A still silence, not disturbed by any noise outside, imposed on them until a gentle ripple disrupted it 'I miss Lily' Albus whispered clenching his glass tightly, his gaze lost in it.

'I miss her too'

Every minute of every day.

A whiff of wind came through the window disturbing the gloom hovering in the room, it was refreshing and pleasant bringing with it a longing to be outside. It was indeed a lovely night.

'Wouldn't you like to go out?' he asked Albus.

'Now?' he replied surprised 'It's the middle of the night'

'So much the better. Nobody around. Why? Are you scared?' he asked playfully.

'I'm not scared!' Albus answered indignant.

'We can go for a ride! What do you think?'

Albus assented excited at the prospect of this nocturnal excursion.

'Go and dress yourself. Wear a jacket, up there it is going to be cold, and be quiet. We don't want to wake up mum.'

He sprinted out of the kitchen; Harry followed to get ready himself. He was glad about this idea of his. His spirit needed the comfort of the open air and moreover he was happy to share this moment with Albus. He had taught him how to fly a broom when he was still very young but being in London there weren't many chances to go for a ride together. This time with him was needed. Until the previous year he had been at home with them and his company had been missed when he was gone to Hogwarts.

Because of what happened on Christmas it was several months since the last time they had a father and son moment. Albus was more sedate than his brother and much less polemical. It was easier for Harry to rapport himself with him. And he felt it more than ever now that James was so averse to him.

When they were ready, they got their brooms from the cupboard. Albus' one was still a kids' model.

'Do you know what?' Harry said struck by an idea 'You can get one of mine, they are faster. I think you are old enough to handle an adult one'

Albus eyes sparkled; Harry had many brooms, more than it was necessary considering how little he could indulge in the pleasure, and he usually was quite jealous of them. But he wanted to give his son a treat.

'Which one?' Albus asked with a broad smile on his face.

'Get this one.' Picking up for him a shiny mahogany one 'It's not too difficult to handle and it's quite swift'.

Albus took it reverentially caressing the handle 'It's a Nimbus' he stammered thrilled.

'Yep' he grinned 'Let's go'

They passed through Albus' window that was giving to the back of the house and they were off.

Like usual the sensation of freedom when taking off elated Harry and lifted his spirit immediately.

Albus was behind him tailing without any trouble. Harry wanted Albus to test the broom to see how he kept up; he made few loops in the air followed steadily by his son.

'You are doing great' he shouted accosting him 'now I'll speed up, try to follow, all right?'

Albus nodded clearly thrilled by the performance of the new broom.

Harry sped up as fast as he could, the city extending as far as the eye could see, tepid wind slashing his face and blunting his breath. Albus was on his side, leaning back on the handle to gather speed, his expression greatly concentrated.

When they reached maximum velocity, Harry dived followed by Albus. When almost touching the ground in a deserted children playground underneath them, he took up again. It was a challenge to see how Albus would respond. He took up much sooner than he would have normally done if alone. He didn't want Albus to risk too much but he wanted to test his ability. He managed without problem and Harry was impressed and proud, Albus had a natural talent.

They slowed down reaching the Thames, it was peaceful to float few inches from the water, the lights of the city reflecting on it. He leaned on the handle allowing the gentle sway of the water to lull him.

'You were the youngest seeker in a century, were you not dad? You started playing when you were in your first year, have you not?' Albus asked, flying on his side

And finally, there was a topic on which he could talk about without distress.

'Yes, I did. It was the first time for me flying and it came naturally, I loved it.'

'Why did you stop playing?'

He had stopped because family and job didn't allow him to. He had received offers from a few teams when leaving Hogwarts, but he had refused. They actually made a kind of war contending him, a lot of money had been offered together with the chance to play first-choice without starting from the bench as it was usually done. Of course, it was because he was talented and could improve with a steady professional training, but the probable motive was for the prestige of having him in the team. At that time, he still hadn't fully grasped this hidden motive and had been flattered by the interest but at the same time he wasn't interested in playing professionally. He wasn't attracted by the promise of good money, and he had seen what comported popularity-wise on Krum and he didn't wish for the same. He just wanted a quiet life, in the shadow, but it didn't work anyway. He explained all of it to Albus.

'You don't like all this popularity, do you?' Albus asked eyeing him interestedly.

'I hate it, it's unjustifiable and unwanted'

'Why don't you ask people to stop?'

'It's not easy Albus, and it's quite dangerous too. I've to be careful. See what happened with Uncle Ron.'

'Have you two made up?'

'No, we haven't' Harry answered feeling himself hardening.

'Is it because of Lily?'

Harry opted for a partial honesty; He wanted Albus to understand how things stood but couldn't and wouldn't reveal too much.

'It's complicated. It didn't start because of her but now it is, and for many other reasons beside'

'You will never make up then'

'No Albus, I don't think so' he answered truthfully. And after a few moments of silence, he added 'We should get back now'.

When they approached the window, the sky was starting to turn lighter. There were few touches of pink in it marking the beginning of a bright day that well matched the feeling of serenity Harry was experiencing at that moment.

It had been great for him to have this time with Albus, it had healed the wounds that his dark thoughts had inflicted on his mind.

While dismounting Harry asked Albus whispering not to wake anybody 'So how did you like the broom?'

'It was great! I loved it!'

'Good' he replied smiling 'because now it is your broom. You can have it. From next year you'll be able to play in the team, with this, you can do try out if you want'

'Are you serious?' Albus asked in amazement barely containing his joy 'Do you think I should?'

'Dead serious, you are a natural. You should definitely try.'

'Thanks dad! It's amazing!' he answered staring mesmerised at his own new possession 'I'll take good care of it! I promise!'

'I know you will'

And while they were storing back the brooms in the cupboard, James' door suddenly opened. He was in his pyjamas staring at them.

'You have been out for a ride' he said understanding in a flash seeing their clothes, his expression hurt 'Why didn't you wake me up?'

Harry felt his heart sank under James pained stare 'You were sleeping, we didn't want to disturb you'

James gaze turned from pained to aggressive 'Fine, I wouldn't have come anyway' he retorted bitterly closing the door on them.

Harry knew he should have tried to talk to him at that moment. But he couldn't bring himself to it. He was tired, he needed to sleep at least an hour or two before to go to work and he didn't feel like arguing with the risk of waking up Ginny. He bade goodnight to Albus with all the bad feelings, he had managed to dissipate, again on his shoulders.

He lay close to Ginny thinking about James, shut in his room, with the probable feeling of rejection he was experiencing, and that thought didn't help him much to fall asleep.