When (Nice?) NEET's Finish Last, or Get the Last Laugh
Chapter 7: The Lake Purification Quest
========================={the setup- }=========================
The day began the same as any other... unfortunately. We were at the guild, having breakfast when Aqua starts whining to me about wanting money. Understandable, I guess, seeing as despite what people would like to believe here, money DOES make the world go round, buy happiness, so on and so forth.
Anyways, seeing as I still had a good amount of my earnings from that recent cabbage quest in my possession, I wasn't too interested in taking on any quest at this time. Maybe I should be though. The winter months were approaching, and I knew I didn't want to spend those months still stuck with living inside that stinky barn.
Eh, I still don't feel like doing any quest today. Maybe tomorrow I'll get to work on building up those winter survival funds... is what I would like to say but because Aqua just wouldn't stop nagging me here, I finally gave in and told her to go find us something easy and simple we could all do.
Obviously a bad idea as Megumin oh so kindly reminded me just moments after Aqua went running off. Side note, I'll buy her a mug of whatever ale she'd like to drink as thanks for her sagely warning about Aqua... oh wait, she's underage so I can't go doing that for her yet. I know, I gift her with a mental IOU to be redeemed at some later time, if I remember that is.
Anyways, it was a good thing I did go to check in on Aqua otherwise we would have found ourselves dealing with a rather annoying quest here, involving a manticore and a griffin having a little property dispute or something. While I'm sure Megumin and Darkness would be OK with that one, for personal reasons, I most definitely wasn't so I forced Aqua to pick another one.
After a moment, Aqua found and chose a quest that did seem like it was made specifically for her. Purifying a lake that had become horribly polluted. While I wasn't keen with how long it would take, over half a day according to Aqua, I suppose getting 300,000 eris for not having to do anything really seemed like a sweet deal.
Unfortunately, Aqua needed us to come along with her as this lake would have some nasty beast living in it and she would need some protection from them while doing her thing. While the idea of having to battle monsters during this quest raised a few flags for me, Luna was kind enough to offer us a little help with seeing this quest completed.
So no, here we are, about to leave Axel with the cage that would be connected to a chain made, both made from some super strong metal or something, that would be wrapped around a something once we reach our destination. Question now was who would go inside the cage? Would it be Aqua so she'd have additional protection as she did her thing, or would it be for one of us three to act as a distraction while she worked from the safety of the shore?
============{alternate ending 1: Serving these Lake Monsters a Divine Meal}============
"K-Kazuma!"
We turn our attention back to Aqua to see what it was that had made he suddenly sound all panicky here. At the distance we were at, it was rather hard to make them out exactly, but I could see the shapes the the alligator's heads rising from the water, a glow in their eyes, as they approached the cage with Aqua within.
"Something's coming! Hey, A LOT of of something's are coming!"
Aqua then grabs onto the bars facing us, looking like she was desperately trying to squeeze her way out before the beast could reach the cage. Of course, there was no way she could do it with the time she had available to her but still she tried anyways.
"Kazuma... Kazuma-san!"
she screamed my name, probably wanting me to come down there and save her. Moments later, the alligators emerge from the waters, being much larger than I had expected them to be as they start going to town on trying to eat our arch priest, cage and all.
For the next couple of hours, Aqua looked like she was finally taking this quest here seriously as instead of just sitting in the middle of the cage like she had been doing, she was now chanting out the word-
"Purification... Purification... Purification... Purification..."
over and over without a break. Meanwhile, the alligators kept at their own attempts at tearing through the cage and having little to no success from the looks of it. At least the cage was doing its job here; there's that to take some comfort from, right?
The alligators then started to try out some new tactics here by spinning the cage around and around and focusing on two or three bars as opposed to going for the cage as a whole her.
"Kazuma-san, the cage... the cage is starting to make some strange noises here. Noises I don't think it's supposed to beAAAHHHHHH!"
I let out a sigh, having started to feel a little bad for her here. Not to much, mind you. Just a little bit.
"Hey Aqua, want to call it a day? Should we go ahead and pull you back in?"
I yelled out to her. Aqua's response-
"No way, not after having come this far. I'm not giving up my precious reward so..."
CRACK!
"AAAHHHHH! Kazuma-san, the cage just went 'crack' on me. The cage just made a sound that no cage should ever make in situations like these."
Aqua then redoubled her efforts with her purification ritual. I then notice something that was rather alarming. The massive rock we had connected the chain too was starting to move. It was slow, but it was definitely being pulled closer and closer to the water here.
Maybe I should have Darkness go down there and...
"Mmmm, it looks so fun inside that cage."
"Now's not the time for that, Darkness."
I said in exasperation. Seriously, this woman... Is there no dire looking situation that doesn't get her turned on? I then feel a tug on my sleeve, making me turn to look at Megumin who says-
"Kazuma, maybe we really should be doing something more to help Aqua here. I know you saw it too. Those creatures are inching the rock closer and closer to the water."
I let out a sigh, having decided to go with plan B here though there was no doubt Aqua would be upset as this would likely decrease the earnings from this, if not send a little debt our way as a result. Still, better that than see our arch priest sacrificed just because she's greedy... I think.
"OK, here's the plan. Megumin... prepare to fire off an Explosion at those things the moment Aqua's in the clear. Darkness, go reel in our stubborn healer here."
Both girls nod as Darkness prepares to run down to the boulder when...
One of the gators suddenly comes shooting out of the water with the chain in its mouth. Then, using its insane bite force, the chomps down onto the chain, snapping it like it was a twig. The three of us could only look on in shock, maybe even a little horror, as Aqua and the cage, now freed from being locked down, are now carried further and further towards the center of the lake.
"No, they're taking me away, pulling me under water here. Kazuma-san... Kazuma-san... Kazuma-sa..."
Aqua's words are drowned beneath the waters, leaving behind nothing but a ton of bubbles where the cage had been just moments ago. This last for a few more seconds before the bubbles stop coming entirely, leaving the three of us standing there, unsure of what to do and fearing what must have just happened here.
And then a pillar of light comes shooting from the center of the lake, reaching high into the sky. Instantly, the waters of the lake become as pure and sparkly as ever had been seen by human eyes. Moments later, all the alligators go racing out of the lake from all over, clearly running away from both the lake's newfound purity and from whatever it was they must have borne witness to below the waters.
And all the while, the three of us just stood there, unsure of what we had just seen happen. Finally, Megumin says-
"So, shouldn't we take a little dip in the lake to see if Aqua's OK or not?"
"If you two want to do it, then be my guest. I'm not going to do."
Megumin gives me a shocked, maybe even a disappointed look, making me add in my defense-
"I don't know how to swim here, otherwise I'd do it myself."
That wasn't entirely a lie as I know how to dog paddle and I'm good at floating around the deep end of the pool. But when it comes to diving and such, NNNNOOOOO WWWAAAYYYYYY am I going to make this the time I start learning how.
Luckily, Megumin seemed to accept my reasoning as she says-
"Oh... uh, you too, huh? I'm also... not very good when it comes to swimming. What about you, Darkness?"
We both look at Darkness who looked embarrassed to admit she also didn't know how to swim. Darkness then says-
"Now that I think about it, there's this priestess in training back in Axel I'm sure I can talk into joining the party. She's pretty young and not very talkative but her healing skills are pretty good. Above average even. Should we go... talk with her?"
"What about the cage? Luna's going to want an explanation behind why we didn't bring it back."
"We'll simply give up the reward in exchange for the cage. I believe the cage cost around 300,000 eris. So, shall we get out of here then."
We all nod in agreement before turning and making a quick exit from the scene. While it may not have been the way you wanted to go about getting back home, Aqua. At least you can get back to your comfy throne here and get back to doing that which I know you love so much...
Scarfing down chips, drinking the finest whine, and doing whatever else you did to kill time between sending souls like myself on their way.
[Meanwhile, down at the bottom of the lake, Aqua was very much alive and well, still sitting inside what was left of the cage with her legs raised and being held against her chest. She was slowly rocking back and forth with clouded, unfocused eyes as she says with a dull and lifeless tone-]
"The world outside is scary. Only the inside of this cage can keep me safe. My personal sanctuary."
[So, will Aqua ever come out of her traumatized stupor and seek out the others? I'll let you decide where this little ending to the tale goes from here.]
{alternate ending 2: Letting this Masochist have Her Fun}
"Why is Darkness getting inside the cage?"
Aqua sends me a confused look following me asking my important and very understandable question.
"Why wouldn't she be getting into the cage? It's what we brought the cage here with us, wasn't it?"
was the reply I got from Aqua.
"I though the point of the cage was to protect YOU, Aqua. We would put you into the cage for your own safety, push you out a ways into the lake so your purification ritual could be completed faster."
Aqua adopts a sour look as she places her hands on his hip while saying-
"Geez, are all you NEET's really this dumb or is it specific to you, Kazuma. Have you forgotten just who it is I am here. I'm a Goddess, remember. A GODDESS... and an arch priest. You don't put someone such as I out there on the front to risk being harmed. I stay in the back, nice and safe, doing my thing while someone else draws the attention of the enemy. Surely you understand that much."
"You're just scared, aren't you... goddess of cowardice!"
Aqua looked like she wanted to strangle me and would probably have done just that if not for Darkness suddenly speaking up, saying-
"Kazuma, it's OK. I'm actually fine with this. In fact, I would have suggested we do it this way had Aqua not approached me about this topic first."
That didn't make me feel any better here. I let out a sigh before turning to get Megumin's opinion.
"Hey, Megumin. What do you... think...?"
Megumin was a good ways away from the water, up on the hill doing some rather silly poses and saying some equally silly things.
"... allow the darkness that burns within me to manifest, unleashing a tide of nightmares that shall envelope all beneath it..."
I sigh again before looking back at Aqua and Darkness and say to them-
"Fine, whatever. Let's just hurry up and get this whole quest over with. Damn it, why is it even when I don't have to actually do anything here, I still end up suffering from a headache? Anyways, we better push this cage into the water, Aqua, so you can get started with you purification thing."
"What's this 'we' stuff you're talking about?"
After having to push the cage into the lake by myself, with Darkness inside it. I make my way back onto the hill to join Megumin before collapsing onto the ground which earns me a "What's wrong with you?" from that annoying little kid with explosions on the brain.
For the next while, all was peaceful and I was pretty sure I had even fallen asleep. But all things must come to an end and for me, that end came when someone started shaking me in a rather violent way.
"Groan... alright, I'm up... I'm up. What's going on?"
"Kazuma-Kazuma, we have a problem."
"A problem... what kind of...?"
I turn my attention to the lake, seeing the cage was being given quite the pounding from all the alligators while Darkness was making the most delighted squeals within said cage. It looked like she was having herself quite a lot of fun in there. I then notice the problem. Aqua wasn't in my line of sight.
"Where did Aqua run off to? Don't tell me one of those things got a surprise attack on her and she's now gator food or something?"
Megumin shakes her head before pointing me towards the nearby tree. It took me a moment, seeing as it had a big trunk to it, but I was finally able to make out Aqua's form cowering beyond the opposite side from where me and Megumin were.
"Aqua, what are you doing behind there. You need to be down there, doing your job while Darkness is keeping those gators occupied."
"I refuse. Have you seen just how bog those things are. I'm not going back down there until they're all gone, you hear me..."
"But Aqua, the whole reason Darkness is down there right now is so you could do your job without issue. Don't tell me you're just going to be leaving her to some dark, grizzly fate."
Megumin joined me in trying to talk Aqua into getting back to work, but our resident drunkard shook her head furiously before saying-
"No, I won't go back down there. I refuse. You you two want to see this quest finished that badly, then you go down there and finish purifying the lake in my place."
"But we aren't an arch priest like you (x2)."
Just then-
"Wait, where are you going? We're not down having fun here yet."
We all turn upon hearing those words from Darkness, seeing the alligators had for some reason or another given up trying to get to Darkness. Was it because they got annoyed with their lack of progress with the cage or were they only going for her because they could sense what Aqua had been trying to do here.
Aqua lets out a relieved sigh as she comes out from cowering behind the tree and says-
"Well, looks like those cowards are running away at last ("But you were being even more of a coward!) Anyways, should we hall Darkness in and call it a day already?"
Before we could say anything, we heard the sound of the cage being opened and look back and watch in horror as Darkness not only steps out into the water but starts chasing after the alligators, all the while yelling insults at them.
"What's wrong with you wimps. Running away just like that, you cowards. Let me guess, you must be one of those 'soft teeth' types or maybe you're embarrassed at having such pathetic and weak looking bodies. I'll have you known I've seen giant frogs with more balls that you all have."
That seemed to do the trick as they all came to a stop, looked back at her with eyes glowing a bright red, before they all came charging right back at here without any hesitation.
"Darkness, you idiot (x3)."
We all screamed to no avail as Darkness lets out a victorious cheer as the alligators attack her and show little remorse as they try to rip her apart, pulling her under the water within seconds of starting their assault.
For what felt like an eternity, we just stood there. Unable to move or think as we watched and waited for blood to come rising to the surface, signaling her ultimate demise. But that scene never came.
Instead, we saw the poor alligators come rushing out of the water from the far side of the lake. From the looks they were giving off, they were scared. Terrified even and they didn't waste any time with getting as far away as they could here. After a few moments more, Darkness emerged from the lake, looking sad and depressed but otherwise fine as she walked up to us and said-
"What happened? We were having so much fun together and then they suddenly ran away. Was it something I said?"
It's because they realized what kind of girl you are here, Darkness. It's a sad day when even massive, man-eating monsters like that would run away from a free and willing meal because of just how perverted and sick in the head that meal was.
Megumin tried to comfort the depressed Darkness who had moved over to the tree and curled herself into a ball while I joined Aqua down at the lake shore so she would finish her purification ritual. We had no more troubles that day, but one thing was for sure here.
Always let Darkness be the bait from here on out. It'll make the quest so much easier for the rest of us!
============={alternate ending 3: Exploding this Lake, NEET's and ALL}=============
"Excuse me, what did you just say Aqua?"
"You heard what I said, Kazuma. Hurry up and get inside the cage already so Darkness can push you into the lake."
"But why do I need to get inside the cage? I thought the purpose of bringing this cage was so that YOU would have a little extra security and peace of mind while purifying the lake."
Aqua gives me a confused look, her eyes implying she must be thinking she's dealing with the dumbest person in the world here.
"What? Don't tell me you were really thinking the cage was for ME here, Kazuma. Just how dumb can a hikki-NEET get? It boggles the mind to even try to figure out the answer. You can't expect me to play the role of the bait while I'm also purifying the lake. I mean, that's just totally stupid."
OK, I guess I can see where she's coming from. Still-
"Then why didn't you say that earlier when we were making this plan out. I recall saying you would be in the cage before and you didn't object back then. And why does it have to be me here anyways? If anyone's going to be the bait; shouldn't it be Darkness instead?"
Aqua rolled her eyes, mumbling what sounded like-
"... this guy? How can he really be so dumb here?"
She then realizes I was looking at her with an obvious annoyed look which makes her sweat a little before saying-
"Because I... didn't think you were being serious before. And besides, I was joking about being in the cage myself. I figured you knew me well enough by now to know that much about me."
Yeah, I guess that's true as well. But still...
"And as for Darkness not being in the cage? Well... it's because I'M going to need a bodyguard to stay beside me, just in case it turns out you suck at being the bait here."
"You know, I wouldn't mind switching places with Kazuma if he really wants too. I feel I'd have more fun inside the cage any..."
Darkness doesn't finish as Aqua quickly covers Darkness' mouth with her mouth before looking back at me and giving a nervous giggle. I sigh as I go to ask Megumin what her opinion on this was, only to see our resident arch wizard off near the tree at the top of the hill, doing some sort of strange poses from the looks of it.
"Don't worry Kazuma. I promise you'll be just fine and that this will all be over with before you know it."
A few hours later, I found myself sitting in the middle of the cage in the middle of the lake, playing the 'Bottles of Bear' counting game. I was currently up to 3,722 I think before I let out a sigh. I look around me and see the waters were still the same putrid green they had been since we first arrived. I then turn around to look at the others while shouting out-
"Hey Aqua, how much lon...ger..."
Instead of being at the lake shore, doing her damn job here. I saw Aqua sitting under the tree along with the others, having themselves a lunch break from the looks of it. I quickly stand and shout out at the top of my lungs.
"You idiots, what are you doing? Now's not the time for a lunch break. If you're going to be doing something like that, at least reel me in so I can join you all. I'm getting hungry too, ya know."
And the reply I get, from Aqua obviously, was-
"If we did that, we'd put ourselves in danger. Besides, you lazy NEET, you haven't been doing anything other than sitting around doing nothing so you shouldn't be feeling hungry yet. Besides, I'm betting you probably stink now too. In fact, just because you ruined OUR lunch time here, I'm going to let myself have a couple hours to nap before I get back to work."
With that, Aqua defiantly turns her head away from me while the others carry on with eating their lunch, and probably mine as well, without a care in the world.
I clench my fist as I send a scowl their way. Oh, just wait you three. Once I'm out of this cage, and I will be getting out of here eventually, I am SO going to make you all regret ever getting out of bed this day.
Before I could yell that threat slash promise out to them, I hear it. The sound of something moving in the waters. I look back with both fear and terror rushing through my body as I see the incoming beast with one thing clearly on their minds: LUNCH TIME!
I scream like a little girl here as they reach me and start getting to work on ripping the cage apart in the most violent of ways that they could. Despite the sudden chaos I was now finding myself suffering, I could still make out the image of the others.
My scream of terror had clearly earned a reaction from Megumin and Darkness who had quickly gotten up and were making ready to do something here to save me. Aqua, on the other hand, had just merely sent me a quick glance before going right back to eating her lunch.
(with the girls, seeing as Kazuma wouldn't hear their conversation inside the cage)
"Crap, Kazuma's in danger here. We have to do something before..."
"Leave it to me, Megumin. I'll head down there and save Kazuma... huff-huff and join him with having a little fun with those nice gators as well."
"Are you guys going to finish your lunches? If not, is it OK if I have what's left on your plates."
Darkness turns to Aqua, shocked that she was being so nonchalant about everything.
"Aqua, what are you doing? Kazuma's in danger down there. Aren't you even a little worried about him?"
"Hm? Not really. If I'm being honest, I'm more worried about this food going to waste. Besides, that cage is supposed to be super strong, right? I'm sure he'll be fine. And if he does die, don't worry. So long as there's enough of him left, I can repair his body and revive him."
"That's beside the point. Surely you..."
"Aqua, Darkness... I think the cage is falling apart."
They all watch in horror as the cage indeed was starting to break in part, meaning Kazuma would likely become alligator food within moments. Kazuma cries our one final time for help, making Darkness yell out-
"Hold on Kazuma, I'll be right..."
"EXPLOSION!"
Megumin immediately fires off her favorite spell right at the lake. All the alligators, the cage, and Kazuma are consumed in the fiery light of the blast, leaving the lake half empty and no sign of any living thing in what's left. Megumin collapses to the ground, a satisfied look on her face as she says-
"AAAHHH, I was wanting to do that. Kazuma, how many points was that... oh, yeah... right."
"Well, at least it won't take me to much longer to purify the lake now, seeing as it's closer to being a pond than an actual lake."
"Sigh I'll go see if I can find Kazuma's remains. Aqua, you deal with the... pond. Megumin, just lay right there and think about what you did just now."
"Can do. (x2)"
(meanwhile, as for poor Kazuma)
I found myself in a familiar setting... I think. Yeah, this looks pretty much exactly how Aqua's room looked when I had first died back on Earth. Does this mean... I've died again.
"Satou Kazuma, just a few moments ago... you died. And in such an easily preventable way at that. But don't worry for your troubles are over."
A beautiful girl then comes walking past me, taking a seat upon her throne before giving me a kind smile here.
"My name is Eris... and I am here to guide you into a new beginning."
Something told me, if past history was anything to go by, I was about to go from one headache to another here. Geez, I think I'm just going to cut my losses and ask for Heaven this time.
So, what happened to Kazuma? I'll leave that to your imagination's dear readers... at least for now!
========================{the end... till the next chapter}========================
Next chapter: While having a drink with Aqua and Eris, Kazuma decides to ask them an important question that's been on his mind for some time. Just why is Aqua the senior and Eris the junior.
In two chapters: The Tranquility Girl encounter, alternate versions. In the first, Kazuma decides to see which is stronger, the girl's maternal instincts or their personal greed. And the second will ask what the girls would do if it was Kazuma, not them, that fell for the TG's charms.
Till next time.
