A part of her wonders how long she's been there—kneeling and holding his corpse to her as if he would disappear at any given moment, leaving her alone with thoughts and regrets and broken promises.
"I'm so sorry…"
—
Xiaolumi Week 2022 [SFW] — Day 6: Angst
{CW: This contains a Major Character Death}
•••
iv.
It's hard to say how long she's been staring.
Nothing has changed, and nothing will. She knows this, but she stares anyway. She memorizes the sight before her as if she doesn't have it already engraved, and archives it with the other memories she has of him. Lumine had been hesitant at first—out of her own selfishness—to visit this place one last time before leaving Teyvat, but it was the fairest thing to do.
He deserves that much, at least. A proper goodbye.
Her mistake still weighs on her like a boulder tied around her back and Lumine is completely sure she'll never stop regretting her lack of strength—but she knows better than to dwell on it any longer. He would reprimand her if he were there.
Having a sudden need to sleep, eyelids heavy, Lumine stands up and turns around after one final look at Xiao's grave.
The first thing she sees is Aether, his back to her as he gazes out into the distance, silent and pensive. Patient. His edges are sharper, somehow, just like hers, not a hint of any playful remark ever since they've been reunited. He's grieving his own losses, just like her, but he's had 500 years to come to terms with it and she envies him for it.
She walks up to stand by his side, resisting the urge to turn back and go to the stone she knows is behind her and never leave– Lumine takes a deep breath, gaining her brother's attention.
It's only when Aether gently swipes his thumb under her eye and his glove takes on a slightly darker tone that she realizes she's crying.
"How much did you love him?" he asks, keeping his hand close. Lumine almost laughs, but she merely chuckles instead. It's dry and ironic.
"More than you'll ever know." She has a lump in her throat that makes her voice sound strained and makes her feelings crystal clear.
"He was always there for me. Always. He never left, Aether, not even until the last moment."
The disdain in her voice is painfully obvious. He never became attached like her, never fell in love like her and while she doesn't regret feeling so intensely for Xiao, she resents Aether. Why? Because she's selfish and she would rather pin the blame on someone else rather than herself, because she knows, she knows, that blaming herself will make her heart ache. It will make that boulder bigger and heavier.
He's silent and she hears her own sniffle, turning her face away from him when he reaches over to help, a meek attempt at consolation.
"Lumine–"
"No," she shakes her head, wrapping her arms around herself and for a split second, she feels the phantom of Xiao's embrace, comforting and warm and–
"I'll be okay," she adds in a whisper with her bottom lip trembling, though she's unsure of who she's speaking to, and allows the tears to flow free, preferring that the wind dried them. That way, she thinks, she can at least pretend it's Xiao's hands wiping them away.
iii.
Lumine is no stranger to using violence as means to an end, and she makes that clear to Hu Tao with the fizzling electro in her sword, purple sparks crackling around the iron.
The director has her own weapon out but based on her stance and unlike Lumine, she has no intention of being violent. It is for the better—it makes her job easier.
"Move away, I have to go in," she insists again and just like last time, Hu Tao shakes her head and stays in front of the crack in the rock behind her.
"You don't have to, you want to and I've told you, Traveler, the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor doesn't satisfy whims."
Any other day, that would've been said as a joke, because Hu Tao strived to tease and prank others. Even when Lumine first mentioned her interest in visiting the veil, the director laughed it off as a mere jest.
The girl's entire demeanor changed drastically when Lumine clarified that she wanted to see Xiao, but she didn't disclose why when asked.
Not that it mattered anyway, because Hu Tao said that she couldn't allow her in under any circumstances. A bit of bickering and insisting led to them taking their weapons out, but neither had attacked yet.
"You don't understand. It's not a whim, it's something necessary."
She needs to apologize. She has to. For the love of the Seven, her entire being feels heavy every time she thinks about what she did, about how she disappointed him and the least she can do is say that she's sorry. To him.
"What makes you think he's still there, anyway?" Hu Tao asks instead and it already is odd seeing her so serious—seeing her so uncharacteristically vulnerable is even weirder, but her inquiry makes Lumine frown.
Why wouldn't he be?
After all, she'd been unable to fulfill his final wish. Doesn't that count as a regret? One strong enough to tether him to the mortal realm a little while longer. Or perhaps—though she prefers to believe this isn't the case—he bears a tiny grudge against her.
It's Xiao, a voice in her head tells her.
He's selfless beyond measure.
Unlike you.
Lumine's posture slacks, the tip of her sword hitting the ground as if it were too heavy to hold properly; it brings back unpleasant memories. Her grip tightens.
She doesn't know.
Anything.
What to do with herself, how to make it up to Xiao without doing something reckless. It crossed her mind at some point, but she discarded the idea immediately. Despite it all, she still has a brother to find.
Selfish.
She is a mess—her mind is a swirling tornado that is making chaos of her thoughts and emotions. Looking at it from afar, she can barely recognize herself. She used to be so cold-headed, no matter the situation, always reprimanding Aether's tendency to attachment.
What would he say if he saw her now?
Would he hold a grudge against her, too?
Her eyes snap at attention when Hu Tao takes a step closer, staff nowhere in sight. Lumine hates– no, loathes the look of absolute pity the director is giving her. She flinches slightly at the hand on her shoulder and barely manages not to react with her sword.
"I don't know what happened but I–" Hu Tao sighs with a sad smile, and Lumine would rather have a slap than the director's empathy. "I checked. He's not there."
She gives Lumine a moment to process the information, but it's not enough. What feels like a mere second later, Hu Tao lets her go. The girl looks solemn despite the upward quirk of her lips, older than she actually is and it puts Lumine off, it makes her realize that she has to take Hu Tao seriously, even if she doesn't want to.
"Don't mix your regrets with his."
Blunt and simple.
Lumine's body freezes as she forces herself to breathe.
ii.
Sobs. Tears. Drip.
Cold.
Patterns of black veins underneath pale skin, covering everything and mixing with the dying green of the tattoo.
Cries. Twitch. Shake.
He isn't moving. He's cold.
She can't bear to move her gaze upwards, to see how his amber eyes have dulled out. Lumine curses herself, for not being brave enough, for not having the strength to grant him the one thing he had ever asked of her.
How is she supposed to forgive herself? Her blade lays by her side, unused, as both her hands are occupied with holding the body close to her, as if whatever warmth she has could somehow bring him back.
…
Heavy.
Her arms are tired. Her muscles are aching, screaming, quivering. Her hands are still shaking from the iron-grip she'd had on the handle of her sword mere minutes earlier, but she doesn't let go– can't.
How could she ever forgive herself? How could she forget the strain in his eyes as he held back, waiting for her to fulfill her promise, coughing and choking while she cowardly stood still?
He's heavy. He's cold. His eyes are open, glossy, unblinking.
Her fingers are twitching, her tears are falling, dripping onto him.
Nuzzle. Whimper. Murmur.
"I'm sorry…"
She manages to place a kiss on his head, and then buries her face in his hair.
He doesn't smell like qingxin anymore.
A part of her wonders how long she's been there—kneeling and holding his corpse to her as if he would disappear at any given moment, leaving her alone with thoughts and regrets and broken promises.
"I'm so sorry…"
i.
Lumine enjoys the silence, the occasional pause on her journey for a moment to rest, especially when she has the right company by her side.
Xiao is next to her, resting just as well, their hands locked together in between their forms as they simply… exist. They aren't talking, but they don't need to, not when each other's presence is enough to fill the space with a comfortable atmosphere.
His eyes are closed, unlike hers, which are open and drifting between the countless constellations adorning the night sky of Teyvat. She will never get tired of them, of the mysteries that they hold, of the stories that they tell.
"Lumine."
The call of her name makes her look at Xiao immediately, unused to him saying it in the first place, even if it isn't as uncommon as it was months ago. She waits, patiently, for him to continue; his eyes are open now, but he isn't looking at her. He doesn't usually emote, so the forlorn expression he wears makes her worry for a second, but she isn't given to time to think, when he speaks up,
"You always say that I never ask for anything."
She hums in acknowledgment. It's true; she makes an effort to remind him that he can take, too, and not only give. Of course, she never says it as a reprimand, just as a gentle poke at the fact that he can be vocal with his desires if he so wishes, especially with her. It makes her wonder why he sounds so eerily serious.
"May– May I ask you to promise me something, then?" he asks, a drop of hesitance in his voice, making his words falter. If the atmosphere were different, she would've found the prospect of him asking absurd; he could ask her for her heart or her soul and she would gladly give them to him.
Lumine gives his hand the lightest of squeezes, a gesture he returns and it seems to have the desired effect of calming him down.
"Of course. Anything," she reassures with a small smile. Much to her disappointment, he looks away again, pondering. His expression may remain neutral, but his eyes are very obvious in showing his doubts.
"When the day comes and my karmic debt catches up to me…" Xiao trails off, and Lumine holds back the instinct to frown at the phrasing, since he looks at her again. She can count with one hand the number of times he's been this vulnerable; she bites her tongue to allow him to continue. "If you are there, promise me… that you will not let it kill me."
Now she frowns, albeit in confusion.
"What do you mean?"
"I am aware it's a lot to ask, but if you allow me to be selfish… I don't want to die because of my karma, I'd rather..." he trails off again, looking away in what she can only interpret as shame, leaving her to her own devices to figure out what he means.
It doesn't take her long.
In other circumstances, she might've argued against the idea, but he probably wouldn't open himself up again if she did that, so she makes the effort to think about it despite the churning in her stomach.
Lumine is no stranger to the details behind the other yakshas' deaths. On a moonlit night similar to this one, he'd told her about them himself, about the horrors and the pain and the suffering. She remembers the nightmares she had that night, about the same fate befalling Xiao and how undeserving he'd be to go through it, as all the others were.
She imagines it would be hard to have that weight on her shoulders, but Xiao trusts her enough to tell her about it, enough to give her that responsibility. He'd rather leave the waking world as himself, instead of a twisted and corrupted version of who he currently is, and he wants her to make sure it happens.
It's no crime to wish for a relatively peaceful departure instead of one littered with screams and cries of agony of bygone gods.
Though she admits it leaves a bitter taste in her mouth, the idea of her sword impaling him with her at the other end, guilty of the deed, her love for him pushes through. The last thing Lumine wants is for Xiao to think he's selfish, when he is the exact opposite.
Cupping his cheek to bring his attention back to her, she musters up a comforting smile. His fingers twitch as she nods.
"Alright. I promise."
It's the least she can do.
