Constantine; The Laughing Magician Presents – Life in the Real World; Chapter 6: Dem Bugaboos
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~ Phim Nyuj Vais. Smashing…. I have a date with uglier nematodes and sprites in my future…Well, I expected as much. I'm practically a waking terror to most demons and ghoulies, yet surprise! I just couldn't contain my excitement with being off a lead or two…. I want to lay down and take a bottle of sleeping pills AND never wake up once this is all over. Yet time is not my master. I have all the time in the bleeding, bloody world to have Lord Dragul up my –
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For instance; if a bloke sold you a bag of shrunken heads from a voo doo priest's secret supplier, would you take it or scram outta there? I'd take the heads, but leave the man with his pockets dry. Why? It is illegal contraband and in this fine city, I'd say the same for whoever smuggled these Southeast Asian gremlins into the isles like some precarious runaway cluster of French poodles. Oh, sorry for the way I am right now. My head has been dry of bein' in a buzz for the last few DAYS. My packet of smokes is almost out, and now I have goblins to apprehend or bust…. I won't be back before dawn, Chas.
Oh, these are hungry little ankle biters. A man just got to sign off hi –
~ Huuman sorceerer!! Backaway Gaaaaaa!!!~
"You know the local language here?" I smoothly glide round the corner to see that one has successfully transformed into the man it's consumed, down to the last pinkie finger.
"We have our ways. I have mission; the one to free us did not succeed. They will be close, and she has the power to free my brothers and sisters as well." It says with that rattling, prattling on it goes about.
"Another demon slayer, or freedom fighter?" I raise a brow to his challenge. "You are Hmong Dab, aren't you, lot?"
"We ate to maintain a way, to free ourseles from the ones to take us from our home….We wish to return to what Laos was…." It seemed, depressed. Forests are dwindling, but the harvesting of its timber and growth or the killing of the forest's species might be how it was caught by poachers.
"You were a monkey and it nabbed you, but why take my belongings?"
"You have a strong magic bond with the dark words." Is what it said to me.
"We need you and the girl who wishes to save us, to send my brothers home and free us from the many who wish to destroy our forests."
"I'm on my way to a very important job, so. Sorry, mates. I'm out to –
The hissing beast shouts in Hmong and pins me to a wall in the alleyway. "YOU will STAY, until she comes to liberate our kin, Constantine…. We know your manna, your face is valuable to us….so do not allow your wrists to bleed, or we shall devour you without mercy!..."
"Flesh eating monkeys and sorcerers who dabble in the dark arts; and here I was off to stop a real vampire lord from destroying the last living dragon clan in eastern Europe." I spit at the wise guy, tellin' im' to bugger off promptly.
"We do not care. You will find her first, then we will let you go…"
"Promise?" I try to reason with these blokes, and next thing I'll be dripping red as a result of my kind attitude.
The one with man's skin eerily grins and holds out its pinkie. Not very reassuring…
"We pinkie swear it…" The male one chuckles as it finally lets me go, but not before its brother licks his lips to add.
~ And we'll be sure to share your meat with all of our brothers…should you fail in finding us a way back home. ~
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"I have that, al…. Chas, I just…. Well, I wanted to have a pi…. When? I don't bloody know! I'm going to have to call you back on that…What is Zee…. She left, already? I see. Tell her…I have an interesting work load….Yes, yes, That king. And the bear – snake is sealed up tight…. I did, yes. Red. Ok, you too."
I put away my cell and snort at the luck I'm handed. The gods must love to test us. As if they had to push and push this bloke to his knees one too many…. I turn to my new, companion. His brothers have gone after this, sorceress. Who is she? Is she from Laos? Will he let me go if I do succeed?
Questions; all useless, so I shoot.
"What is this sorceress and what's her name, title? I can't go on a single "hunch," mate." I put my hands in to my pockets and start walking down the streets of good London to seek and meet this character these goblins speak so highly of.
"She negotiates all that occurs in the Filipino region. We have reason to thin she is with one sorcerer from Laos. We know only her title as, the Trese."'
I stop in my tracks at a crosswalk and freeze up. The trese is the Buffy of her day…The slayer of her reality, like me…
Great. This just became political.
Drops of rain decide to ruin further my soured mood. I walk with those men and women, while the goblin in man's skin starts to drool onto my sleeve.
"I, ask…. What do men like this one eat to become…. normal?"
My eyes span towards a fast-food joint. We didn't eve explain cholesterol hikes…I wonder….
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The table is saturated in grease by the time we finish with our order. I have a plan to smoke out the one they want. And it sure as shite won't be me.
"Eat up, mate! You should have the experience of a human with plenty to go around…" I reluctantly grab a rolled-up disgusting, sloppy bun encased burger wrapper and peel it back quickly. I need to fool the demon, have it out in the open so I can call this witch and get my life back.
One…bite…Even though I swore off of this crap at eighteen…. dear gods….Why is Britain allowing a "Mac Did's" to exist at all!??
Noted; all of this is meat and demons like him? They'd eat the table included, grease splatters….
I feel my stomach grumble. Shite! Why? It was y…. right. Swapping to Zee's diet plan has me thinkin' this slop is poison to my delicate bladder. Where to use the loo?
"I just felt my phone buzz." I lie and pick it up, using a sneak's spell to have it vibrate. "Would you just excuse…y'ello? Ah! Yes, of course…. Should just take a minute or two – eat all you can!" I force a grin and want to vomit in the process.
I do, into the can as my insides are left on fire. Magic pain relievers put it out, and leave the room a bed of roses. I'm not about to explain how a single enchanted petal has put the custodian on edge.
As I wipe off, in walks through the sliding doors of this establishment, a lov with short black hair and gothic attire that seems too modern to me…. She has two body guards behind her with black glasses and suits. Beside them is a tribal – modern looking woman with a long ponytail and concealed weapons. A magic staff…As I stand by, my eyes wander to the demon who is hungrily gobbling up my burger. With a burp, I realize why this isn't just a heart attack.
But he explodes ...! Blood and guts coat the walls as distressed mothers carry their kids from the store's booths, out in to the streets, screaming bloody murder. The costumed characters never flinch. I shrug, until my gut decides to quit playing nice. " Er…. We should have stuck with low carb maybe…." As I then again regurgitate my lunch, the girl does not seem to mind.
"You are the British magi to this country. Constantine. We will help you. Tell me what you saw."
I groan and stand up weakly, wanting to leave from the smell of burnt oil and sticky fingers behind, forever.
"Outside, I need a bubbly; something to ease the ache…" I respond and try not to gag onto the wet floor again a third time.
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