Charlie opened her door the next day to find Krieg and the Vault Hunters standing there. "So, your highness..." said Axton. "After some negotiations with Stolas, he has agreed to let us borrow his fancy spellbook to bring you and your friends on a tour of Pandora!" "Didn't you guys mention numerous times that Pandora's an absolute wasteland?" asked Charlie, concerned as to what the Vault Hunters were planning. "Well, yes, it is. But there are friends we have there who aren't cannibalistic psychopaths we'd like you to meet." said Maya, reassuringly. Charlie contemplated their offer, holding out some hope that there were at least some humans that weren't complete bastards. "Alright, I'll meet you outside." agreed Charlie.
The Vault Hunters and the IMP stood outside the hotel, waiting for Charlie and company. "Can't believe we're FINALLY going back home!" exclaimed Gaige. "I think it's been over a month since we wound up here!" said Axton. "I CAN'T WAIT TO SHARE THE FACT MY GUNS ARE HOLY WEAPONS!!" shouted Mr. Torgue, excitedly. Loona was preparing to open a portal with the Grimoire. "Where'd you guys say you live? Some planet called Pandora?" "Precisely." answered Salvador. "And if you make a single James Cameron joke, I'll skin you and wear your hide like a toga."
Charlie came out through the front door, flanked by Vaggie and Angel Dust. "Ok, we're ready." "Hun, I'm telling you, this is a really bad idea." said Vaggie, fearing something might happen to them during their tour of the Vault Hunters' home planet. "No worries!" assured Gaige."We'll make sure nothing happens to you or your girlfriend! And if something does-" "WE WILL FIND THE CRUSTED CULPRITS AND MAKE THEM SUFFER SICKENINGLY!! WE'LL YANK THEIR SPIRITS OUT THEIR SLASHED THROATS AND STRANGLE THEM WITH IT!!!" yelled Krieg, maniacally laughing.
Loona recited the final incantation needed to open a portal to Pandora. "Oktin Adarab Utaalk, Arvadek Adava , ARODNAP OT SU EKAT!!!" and with that, the portal opened, revealing Pandora's familiar rolling deserts. Husk and Niffty watched as the group walked through. Once the portal closed, the former grabbed a bottle of wine stolen from the private reserve of Lucifer himself. "Wanna get fucked up?" asked Husk. Niffty eagerly nodded in agreement.
RUST COMMONS, PANDORA:
Axton had found a Catch-A-Ride station, and had obtained a truck for the group, so as to avoid the need to walk through the desert hellhole that is Pandora. "Are you sure this thing's safe?" asked Angel as he heard strange noises coming from the truck's inner workings. "Hey, Scooter's cars haven't blown up on us yet." said Gaige, referring to their friend who ran the Catch-A-Ride system.
As if to comedically subvert Gaige's statement, the truck was suddenly sent flying. It landed near a large rock, where a respectably dressed hunter was taking cover. "By Jove! Are you alright!?" asked the hunter, who looked inside to see Krieg and company. "Well I'll be! We've been searching for you for the past month! And I see you lot have made new friends as well!" "We missed you too, Hammerlock." replied Gaige as she and the others crawled out of the wreckage of their ride. The hunter noticed Charlie and the Vault Hunters' other demonic friends. "Well, you're a most peculiar bunch, but you all seem friendly enough." the hunter flashed a salute. "I am Sir Alistair Hammerlock! Big game hunter and renowned scholar. I'd like to know your names, if you're so inclined to tell me."
Charlie happily began shaking Hammerlock's robotic hand. "I'm Charlie, daughter of Lucifer. This is my girlfriend, Vaggie." Charlie motioned to Vaggie, who glared at Hammerlock with contempt and suspicion, as she did with most people. "Nice 'stache, pal." remarked Angel. "Ah, why thank you. It is a most magnificent mustache, is it not?" said Hammerlock as he stroked his aforementioned mustache. Moxxie noticed the rifle on Hammerlock's back. "Is that a Jakobs Skookum Model Rex rifle?" asked the thespian imp. "Ah, a fellow marksman, I see! Perhaps later, you and I should discuss our preferred hunting spots over some tea. Now, you all are likely wondering just what sent your vehicle into the air and next to me. Well, it was that." Hammerlock pointed to a nightmarishly large, tentacled worm creature, which was being attacked by a woman in a small mech armed with dual miniguns, a ninja with a brigh, cyan sword, and a man almost as large as Krieg, who was simply punching the damn thing.
"YO! Hammerlock, mind helping us with this thing!?" shouted the mech pilot. "Well, Gaige, hopefully you and the other Hunters haven't lost your touch while you were down there." "We can be of help, too!" exclaimed Millie, axe readied.
Suddenly, the monster spat something out, which landed on Blitzo. "Helloooo, travelers!" "Oh, bloody hell, Claptrap's here..." muttered Hammerlock. "Hey, Hammerlock! How's the fight against Terramorphous going? And why am I surrounded by demons?" asked Claptrap. "Well, I found Krieg and the others, and they brought some new friend with them from Hell." explained the gentleman hunter. Claptrap turned to see Loona, who was watching all this unfold. "Well, what's your name, sexy-" Blitzo dashed in front of the yellow robot, holding a flintlock to his eye. "YOU STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY LOONIE, YOU HEAR!?" "Alright, jeez." said Claptrap. "Well, now that my minions are back, let's take the fight to that overgrown earthworm! CHAAAARGE!!" Claptrap rolled towards Terramorphous, only to get swallowed up by the monster again.
Krieg led a much more successful charge, with the Hunters and imps running to assist the other Vault Hunters. Brick was busy punching one of Terramorphous' numerous tentacles, too busy to notice another tentacle rising up from the ground to crush him. Brick turned to see Krieg slicing that tentacle in two. "Long time no see, Slab! I see you ain't lost your touch!" "I'M READY TO FLAY SOME SCALPS!!" Krieg and Brick then began punching and slicing their way through more of Terramorphous' appendages. Moze, the mech pilot, was struggling to keep Iron Bear up and running against the massive thresher, when suddenly, one of the tentacles marauding her was cut to pieces. She saw Millie standing there, ready to continue fighting the beast. "I don't know who you are, but I'm glad you showed up!" said Moze to Millie.
ONE MASSIVE RAID BOSS FIGHT LATER:
Terramorphous was on its last legs (figuratively speaking, as threshers do no possess legs.). Hammerlock called out to Moxxie. "Now, my impish friend! Strike the killing blow!" He tossed his rifle to Moxxie, who readied the bolt and fired. Meanwhile, inside Terramorphous' mouth, Claptrap was pacing around on the behemoth's tongue. "They'll get me outta here soon enough. Hey, what's this?" Claptrap noticed some rubble in between Terramorphous' teeth and went to inspect it. He brushed off some of the dirt to find an undetonated Torgue warhead. At that very moment, Moxxie's bullet pierced the beast's lip and nailed said warhead. Terramorphous' head exploded in fiery glory, as Claptrap was once again sent flying, this time, landing on the ninja. "Thanks for the save, Zer0!"
"We'll struck, Moxxie! Terramorphous The Invincible shall never again terrorize the people of this planet! At least, not for the next week or so." "What?" asked Moxxie, bewildered as to how something could recover from literally having its head exploded. "Oh, yeah. There's all sorts of powerful beings like Terramorphous on Pandora, and they don't stay dead for long. But hey, at least they usually drop cool stuff." explained Maya. The Vault Hunters were suddenly embraced in a massive hug by Brick. "I missed you guys! Everyone back at Sanctuary was startin' to think you all died down there!" Hammerlock noticed Charlie, Vaggie, and Angel peeking from behind cover. "Ah, I believe some more introductions are in order!" Brick, Zer0, and Moze approached the trio. "Brick's the name, and punching's my game! And my career! And my hobby!" "Moze, ex-Iron Bear Corps." "My name is Zer0/Greetings, visiting hellspawn/Welcome back, too, Krieg."
Following numerous introductions that were glossed over for the sake of pacing, the group emerged from the Fast Travel Station, and into Sanctuary, where they were met with Lilith and numerous armed Crimson Raider soldiers. "WAITWAITWAIT!! DON'T SHOOT!" shouted Sal as he threw himself in front of the Raiders. "Hold your fire!" ordered Lilith. She approached the Vault Hunters. "Hammerlock, where'd you find Krieg and the others?" "Well, commander, Me, Brick, Zer0, and Moze were fighting Terramorphous when they inadvertently crashed next to where I was taking cover." "And who are these... things they've brought with them?" "HEY! One of those 'things' is my girlfriend!" retorted Sal, motioning to Sallie May. Krieg attempted to introduce Lilith to their demonic companions. "FIREHAWK!! MEET LUCIER'S SUGAR CLOWN! HER MISTRESS MOTH, THE SEDUCTIVE SPIDER OF SUGGESTIVENESS, THE RED RAVAGER OF WRATH, HER BELEAGUERED BEST BOY, THE HORNS OF COMPENSATION, THE DESPISING DOG, AND SALVADOR'S SICKENING SADISTIC SWEETHEART!!!"
Following some more proper introductions, a celebration began in Sanctuary for the return of the Vault Hunters, as well as Mr. Torgue. "...and that's how I managed to punch someone so hard it caused instantaneous climate change!" boasted Brick as he told Moxxie and Millie of his various punching-related accomplishments. In Moxxi's bar, Salvador was showing Blitzo how to jury-rig a literal knife gun. "Why are you showing me how to make a machine gun fire knives?" "Because its super awesome!"
Lilith was speaking with Charlie. "So, you're saying you run a hotel in order to redeem damned souls?" "Precisely!" "That's honestly really kind of you." remarked Lilith. Krieg was playing darts with some of Sanctuary's civilians, albeit with his axe as opposed to actual throwing darts. After (somehow) landing his 3rd bullseye in a row, he was approached by Charlie and Lilith. "Well, Krieg, me and your new friend here talked things over, and we've come to an agreement. The Happy Hotel is now officially backed by the Crimson Raiders!" Torgue popped in out of nowhere to give his 2 cents: "AND THE TORGUE CORPORATION IS WITH YA!!" Charlie excitedly jumped up and hugged Krieg. "Thank you so much for this!" exclaimed the demonic princess. Krieg began feeling a strange, warm sensation in him. And it felt good.
Suddenly, Krieg also began to feel warm on the outside as well, though this sensation felt significantly less nice. Krieg turned to see a man even taller than him in a black trench coat. "So..." said the man in a gravelly voice. "You're the one who bested Jormungandr..." "Yeah? What's it to you?" asked Millie as she and various others inside Moxxi's bar began readying their weapons. "Loki wasn't very pleased with you wounding his son, and he sent me to finish the job." The giant in the trench coat suddenly let out a jet of fire from his hand, sending Krieg and others flying out of the now burning Moxxi's. Krieg recomposed himself, seeing Charlie helping Lilith up. The giant emerged from the fire, his trench coat and hat burnt away, revealing his true appearance. His skin resembled rock, with an orange glow showing through cracks. He had massive horns, and brandished a flaming longsword.
"Just who the hell are you, anyway!?" demanded Sal as he and the others prepared to fight the giant. "Have you not guessed? I am Surtr! Once I slay the one they call Krieg, Loki can finally carry out Ragnarok, and once the end times begin, I shall scorch all of Midgard! Mountains will melt! Yggdrasil will burn to nothing but cinders!" Surtr charged forward at Krieg, who was able to hold back his blade with his buzzaxe. Surt punched Krieg backwards, but before he could take another stab at the psycho, he found himself trapped inside a mystical blue orb. The fire giant was thrown across Sanctuary, where he was met with Maya, Lilith, and Amara. "Ah... Sirens, some of the universe's most powerful beings. Loki will be pleased to have your skulls mounted on pikes!"
Amara nailed Surtr in the face with a right hook, whilst Maya and Lilith unloaded their weapons into the giant. Amara and Brick unleashed a flurry of punches unto Surtr's face, only for him to grab both in chokeholds. "You weaklings think you can stop me? I would rethink that." He threw Brick and Amara to the side and reengaged Krieg. As Krieg and Surtr traded blows, the former was able to land a hit on the latter, which left a massive slash across Surtr's chest. Surtr was filled with dread as he realized that this lunatic was just as dangerous as Master Loki had made him out to be. "THIS CANNOT BE! YOU WILL BURN FOR THAT!" The fire giant roared out a massive jet of flame that engulfed Krieg. Surtr ceased the flames to see what had become of the psycho, only to see Krieg still standing, seemingly enjoying the flames covering his body. "Hehehe...burns soooo gooood." muttered Krieg with a grunt of pleasure.
As Surtr stood in disbelief, Vaggie took the opportunity to use her spear to slice off the giant's sword-hand. Surtr roared out in pain. He smacked Krieg away and then grabbed Vaggie by the throat. "I will enjoy seeing you suffocate, whore." said Surtr with sadistic glee as he squeezed the (after?)life out of Vaggie. Charlie, completely overtaken with emotion, unleashed her true demonic self.
As he strangled the moth demon, Surtr suddenly found himself surrounded by flames greater than his, with Vaggie having been released from his grasp. He stood before Charlie's true monstrous form, a 12-foot tall beast, muscular, with a flaming ram skull for a head, topped with a wild, unkempt, golden mane. "So, Lucifer's spawn finally shows her true colors!" Surtr used his remaining hand to pick up his blade.
To call the ensuing fight a curbstomp would definitely be an understatement. Surtr attempted to hack at Charlie, only for his blade to break against her monstrous form. Charlie then proceeded to kick the fire giant around like a smoldering ragdoll. Now suffering from numerous missing teeth, a broken horn, 2 non-consensually amputated arms, and internal bleeding, Surtr kneeled before Lucifer's child, in utter disbelief. "HOW!? I've melted mountains! I've made oceans boil! The gods themselves feared me! But here I stand, bested by a sentient slab of meat, AND A FUCKING DISNEY PRINCESS!!" Charlie finished Surtr with a smack to the face so powerful it tore his head clean off. Charlie let out an unholy roar heard throughout all of Pandora as she collapsed back into her more familiar, adorable body. Surtr's headless body fell to the ground, his flames extinguished.
Vaggie ran towards Charlie (who thankfully was still in the clothes she was before). "Holy shit, hun! You never told me you could do that!" Sanctuary's resident medic, Dr. Zed, attended to Charlie, checking her pulse. "No need to worry, ma'am. She's unconscious, but she'll live. Hulkin' out like that musta did a number on her body. Somebody bring me some ice, pronto!" As Aurelia, another Vault Hunter, Hammerlock's sister, and aristocrat with inexplicable ice powers came to help Zed, thunderous clapping was heard throughout Sanctuary.
Everyone turned to see a one-eyed old man wearing a t-shirt with the letter O on it, surrounded by a suspicious amount of ravens, applauding. "An absolutely glorious display of combat, bravo!" Millie grabbed her axe, with an "completely done" look on her face. "Aight, Gramps, look. If you're another fuckin' Norse deity here to murder us, just get it over with." The old man raised his hands in playful surrender. "Alright, fine. I guess the charade is up." The old man suddenly began emanating a golden glow that eventually enveloped him and the ravens. The aura dispersed, leaving behind a man twice as tall as Surtr, who wore golden armor covered in runes, a helmet with even larger horns, and wielded a matching-size spear. On his shoulders stood 2 large ravens. The man, in spite of his menacing appearance, bore a jovial smile, like a grandfather seeing his favorite grandchildren, his once bare face now covered in a mountainous, braided beard. Charlie, now awake, stood before him. "God? Is that you?" asked Charlie. "Hohohoho, no, ya little bundle a' sweetness. I'm a god, yes, but not THE God. Call me Odin." The Norse All-Father enveloped Charlie in a hug. Vaggie appeared before Odin, spear in hand. "Hands off my girlfriend!" Odin let go of Charlie in surprise. "Oh! Pardon me, miss!"
"What are you even doing here? Shouldn't you be sitting a big golden throne in Asgard or wherever you guys live?" asked Axton. "Well, to answer your question, it mainly concerns your friend, over there." said Odin as he pointed towards Krieg. "You see, long ago.." The All-Father conjured a vision of Krieg, strapped to an operating table within a Hyperion laboratory. Odin continued explaining his presence. "...Your friend was not in a very good situation. Prior, he was a violent, yet valiant man, who protected the weak and provided for those he cared about. Seeing one like him being tortured the way he was made me sick. So, in his hour of need, I granted upon him, the berserker rage..." Odin's vision shifted to show Krieg obtaining the All-Father's blessing, with Othalla, Odin's rune, appearing on the psycho's chest, both in the vision, and on the real one.
Krieg stood in shock as the rune appeared on his chest. "WHAT IS THIS INSOLENT INK!?" Odin then shifted the vision to show Krieg, eyes glowing, ripping his way out of the laboratory. "You, Krieg, may know my blessing as your 'insane personality'." Krieg looked as if he had been flashbanged by Odin's revelations. "He'll get over it."remarked Odin. "Now, allow me to assist in cleaning up Surtr's mess." With that, the All-Father transformed his spear into a massive, rune covered broom.
MEANWHILE ON EARTH, ON AN UNCHARTED ISLAND:
Jormungandr emerged from the ocean, facing a slender figure. "Father, I have received word that Surtr has perished in battle against Krieg and his companions." The figure emerged from a cave, revealing himself as Loki, god of trickery, and father to Jormungandr, as well as numerous other beasts. "It seems Krieg is even more of a threat than most give him credit for. I believe you're quite familiar with that sentiment, my son." said the trickster god as he motioned towards the Midgard Serpent's blinded eye. Jormungandr cringed as he remembered what happened back at the beach.
"Say, father, how are Skoll and Hati doing?" asked the serpent, hoping to change the uncomfortable subject. In response to hearing their names, a pair of puppies came scurrying out of Loki's cave towards their massive uncle. Jormungandr laughed as the two licked his snout. "Still just as energetic as ever, I see! Any updates regarding Fenrir?" "Still bound to a rock by godly chains and filled with murderous rage as ever." replied Loki as he walked back into his cave, where Fenrir was chained.
The trickster god conjured a portal, from which emerged Alastor. "Ah! Master Loki! Long time no see!" said Al as he held out his hand. "Spare me the formalities, Radio Demon! You and Jormungandr are so far the only two of my agents who've managed to survive an encounter with Odin's chosen warrior, and I've noticed a significant lack of attempts towards stopping him from you!" "Please, Master Loki, allow me to explain! I've managed to find out that that shotgun he blew me away with during my visit to that princess's hotel used munitions made from angelic weaponry. The only reason I survived was because of your blessing." Loki grimaced, frustrated at his current predicament. "Alastor, I'm at my wit's end! For eons, Fenrir, Skoll, Hati, and myself have been trapped on this forsaken island! I am not about to let your cowardice get in the way of my vengeance!" Loki suddenly pulled out a dagger and held it to the Radio Demon's face. "Remember, Alastor. I gave you your powers, and I can take them back if I so please. So, unless you wish to pay my daughter a visit, find Odin's chosen warrior, and ensure he will not be an obstruction for Ragnarok." Alastor could only meekly nod as Loki put his dagger away. "Good. Hopefully, you bring that bastard's head on a pike the next time I summon you forth." remarked Loki as he dismissed Alastor back to Hell.
