ITACHI SAT AT THEIR USUAL TABLE THE NEXT DAY, prepared to face Kisame after yesterday's run-in with Zabuza. He was a little early, coming straight to the cafeteria the moment his second class let out at 10:30 but either way it didn't matter. Kisame didn't have any classes on Fridays but lately he'd been choosing to meet up between Itachi's classes to a) avoid cooking for himself b) succumb to his addiction to chicken tenders and French fries and c) spend time with Itachi. He told Itachi so; in that exact order, before scarfing down a handful of fries.
How he never grew tired of the combo Itachi never knew.
Thinking about the way things used to be caused his chest to tighten. Why was he confident that Kisame would show up to have lunch with him today of all days? After avoiding him all week and probably finding out that his roommate told crush how he felt about him without his consent? If anything, Itachi would be lucky if he saw Kisame for the rest of the semester unless they played a game of cat and mouse. And what was he even supposed to say to Kisame? Sasuke texted him not long before then saying "Shoot your shot" which apparently meant something like "live life without regrets." And he intended to. But how did one start?
A slender man with messy curly hair approached him just then and gestured to the empty seat in front of him. "Is this seat taken?" He asked.
It was Shisui. Standing before him smiling that same happy-go-lucky smile. The one that made women swoon and mothers coo. The smile that challenged the world with an unspoken "Yeah, what about it?" like obstacles were nothing more than a twig on the highway.
Itachi always admired his easy-going manner and wanted to emulate him since he was little. If anyone knew how to tackle an unfamiliar social situation it would be him. He pushed the boundaries and lived his life to the fullest when Itachi was too afraid to. "What if my father finds out?" He'd ask. "What about the upcoming test?" He'd remind him. "It says 'private property'" He'd point out. And each time Shisui would smile that same fearless smile and gesture for him to follow behind anyways. And everytime he always said the same thing "It'll be fine. Don't worry!"
I'm sure that's what you told your parents before you left the night you died. He thought bitterly to himself with a pang in his heart. That's right. Shisui…died? But yet he was sitting right in front of him with a soda, a wrap and a basket of fries. You're…not supposed to be here right now. Itachi thought as his blood ran cold. You're supposed to be…but he dared not finish that thought.
"So what's new with you, Itachi?" He asked as if he didn't know.
Which he probably didn't.
Despite knowing that something was wrong he wanted to seize the opportunity to talk to his cousin about what had been on his mind lately more than anyone else. And since here was here Itachi put aside his unease and answered truthfully. "There's…someone I like."
"You're kidding! You're actually interested in girls?" He asked through a mouthful of fries.
You act just like Kisame. "Not quite. You might have met him before. He's a junior I used to tutor in philosophy and now statistics."
"So it's a he, not a she? Interesting." He said. "And he's a junior you used to tutor?" He mused out loud. His eyes did a cartwheel as he wracked his brain for a moment. "Nothing's coming to mind but continue. You say you've caught feelings for this guy?" He asked and sat up straighter upon connecting the dots. "You weren't drinking at all recently were you?"
You really shouldn't be here. Itachi thought to himself. While it was nice-it was SO nice-to see Shisui before him the way he remembered him all of his life – it hurt to know in the back of his mind that this wasn't real. Shisui was dead and as much as he wanted to confront this illusion his mind had created – demand that he stop talking about the thing that caused so much tension in their lives months leading to his death – he couldn't bring himself to ruin this precious moment now that it was within his reach.
"No." He said firmly, hoping that Shisui would focused on the topic at hand. "He's a close friend and I don't think I'm gay but maybe I am. It can't hurt to give it a try and put a stop to the madness can it? Prove to Deidara and Kisame that guys really aren't my type and move on with my life. Or…"
"Or witness the start of a beautiful relationship." Shisui finished with batted flirty eyes. "He might be your future husband."
"Sure." Itachi relented.
Shisui seemed to sense that Itachi wasn't in the mood for jokes at the moment so he switched to a serious tone. "So what's the problem? What's holding you back?"
Itachi looked over his shoulder for Kisame, wondering if he'd missed him or not. There was no sign of him so he turned back to face Shisui again. "I don't know what to say to him." Or how to get Kisame to even talk to me after everything that's happened this week.
Shisui shrugged and stuck a couple of fries in his mouth. "Nothing wrong with that." He said. "Trust me: in my ten years of dating experience you can rehearse all night and I'd bet you any money you'll forget everything you wanted to say when the moment is right. Let your heart do the talking."
Itachi ran his fingers through his bangs and rested his head in the palms of his hands. "What if…" He began to say and groaned in irritation when his thoughts started to overlap. "What if I'm not gay? I don't want to hurt Kisame but what if I ruin our friendship?"
"Hm." Shisui mused, crossed a leg over his knee and shrugged. "Then you weren't really friends to begin with." He said as if it was as apparent as the sun shining outside. "If he's only hanging out with you because he has one sided feelings then you weren't really friends in the first place. It takes a real man to stay friends with someone that rejected them."
It wasn't much but his words had an impact on him which shouldn't have been a surprise. Shisui was his senior and had a maturity that always grounded Itachi in ways he had yet to learn.
Just then, Shisui leaned over the table and put a hand to his shoulder. "You have one life to live, Itachi. Make the most of it while you can."
The irony was like a punch to the heart and when he blinked all he could see was darkness. He took a deep breath to register the shock as his eyes adjusted to the ceiling and the four walls around him. He turned onto his side to reach for his phone to check the time. 4:32am.
He turned onto his back again and stared up at the ceiling. It was two hours too early to go to the dining hall for breakfast where the early risers and science majors with 8am labs congregated before the day began. The thought of sitting down to eat breakfast brought forth a recent memory of sitting in the cafeteria with Shisui who was smiling, laughing, and joking with him like he always did. He smiled to himself, relishing the fact that they weren't fighting about his weekend partying and drinking habits when it hit him: Shisui was gone and those memories were just a dream that felt a little too close to reality.
Shisui didn't know what was happening in Itachi's life because he died nearly three months prior. Itachi couldn't tell him about Kisame and ask him what to do next because he wasn't here. But Shisui had said something in his dream. Something about living his life to the fullest which weighed heavily on his heart given the circumstances. But what was he talking about? Surely he wasn't trying to rub the cards Itachi was dealt in his face though that was something he could see him doing. He was trying to comfort him.
About Kisame.
Which only made the sinking pit of despair inside of him burn further into his rib cage. He couldn't sit on the knowledge that Kisame liked him without addressing the issue with him soon. Especially if Zabuza had told him what he told Itachi yesterday. But Kisame was still avoiding him and Itachi couldn't force him to talk to him or see him if he wouldn't meet with him.
"Then you weren't really friends in the first place."
He closed his eyes to meditate on the thought and started to drift back to sleep when new images flooded his mind. Images of Shisui rubbing his shoulder before tugging at his pony-tail like he always did since his hair was long enough to tie back. The tug of his hand was enough to startle himself awake again, not wishing to relive moments that weren't real any longer. He sorely missed his cousin but his heart couldn't handle seeing him casually shoving French fries into his mouth on a sunny day like he didn't have a care in the world. Like he still had years ahead of him to waste innocent moments eating junk food and staring into the distance.
His body moved on auto-pilot, throwing the covers off his legs and quietly jumping out of bed as to not disturb Deidara who was sleeping soundly mere feet away. Before he could register what was happening or what he was going to do next he was throwing on a sweater and shrugging on his discarded jeans from the night before. Anything within reach that would make him look presentable enough to venture outside in wherever he decided to go. If he stayed here any longer, much less lie in bed thinking about the life Shisui could have had for the next two hours he'd drive himself mad with anguish and grief. He needed to be alone so he could clear his head before he was reduced to a crying mess and he didn't want Deidara to awake in a panic if it came down to that.
Within minutes he was out the door, slipping his sneakers over the heel of his foot muttering under his breath "You have one life to live." He didn't normally talk to himself aloud but in his current state of mind he didn't care if anyone heard him. Not that anyone would be up at this hour anyways.
Although he was awake enough to discern the different between what was real and what was not his brain was still scrambling to make sense of the memories he could remember from the dream. Images flashed across his mind, his cousins words resounded in his head, and although he tried his damndest to shake it off he could feel the featherlike touch of Shisui's hand trying to comfort him as if there was only a table between them. His breathing increased as he stalked down the hall trying to outrun the demons haunting him and his throat constricted. Just a few more feet and he'd be outside where he could get some fresh air.
When he reached the lobby he was greeted by an outside world that was hazy, dim and lifeless.
Just like his cousin.
Tears pricked at the back of his eyes like the rain that threatened outside but he didn't have time to get an umbrella now. He was too close to breaking down to risk turning back and waking Deidara. If it rained whilst he was out then so be it. He was too numb to care about the potential consequences of being caught in a storm. And besides, no physical storm could be worse than the emotional one that was brewing within him.
Without a second thought he pushed through the double doors and into the crisp April morning air and took a deep breath.
Which his cousin would never be able to do again.
It's not fair. He thought as his breath hitched in his throat and his nose twitched with irritation.
He looked to the left to the football field where the fluffy gray clouds hung so low they teased the tops of the pine trees on the horizon and then to his right to the cluster of dormitories surrounding his own. There was a ledge overlooking the football stadium he had always wanted to sit on but never found the time to do so. But under the canopy of rain clouds where he could inhale the scent of
He looked left to the football field where the fluffy gray clouds hung so low that they tickled the tops of the pine trees on the horizon and right to the cluster of dormitories surrounding his own. There was a ledge overlooking the football stadium he'd always wanted to sit on but never found the time to. But under the cloudy sky where he could inhale the scent of morning dew and be left alone with his thoughts it seemed like the perfect opportunity.
"I miss you." He whispered when he sat on the cold stone wall tucked into the hillside. A quiet sob wracked his rib cage, threatening to suffocate him if he didn't succumb to the sadness eating away at his core. "I wish…I wish you were here to tell me what to do. I wanna hear it from your own mouth and not the dream version of you."
But we both know you already knew what my answer would've been. He could hear Shisui chiding him.
A hot tear rolled down his cheek just then. And then another, and another. At this point his thoughts were just a mish-mash of emotions and memories and what could have beens blended into one painful void in his chest. Dreams were nice for only so long. It didn't take long to realize that something wasn't right and watching the dream version of the person you sorely missed smiling and laughing and carrying on as if they didn't know what fate had in store for them. As if nothing had changed.
How long had it been since he cried like this? Let his grief overtake his body while he choked back his tears and rubbed his nose on his shirt sleeves? He cried over Easter at Shisui's grave (which did nothing but exacerbate his pain the moment he thought about it) but he had to keep some composure. You couldn't be too loud in a cemetery out of courtesy for the other souls resting in peace and any other grieving onlookers that might be nearby. But here it was nearing finals week and everyone was pulling all-nighters, sleeping in and skipping their morning classes. Nobody was around to hear him fall about or judge him.
"It's starting to rain." A voice said behind him.
Great. How was he supposed to explain to Deidara what he was doing having a mental breakdown by the football field at nearly 5am? And why did he follow him all the way out here anyways?
He rubbed his eyes on the unsoiled parts of his sleeves and stifled a silent sniffle to clear his nose before turning to meet his roommate's eyes.
((Author's note: I deviated slightly from my outline so imagine me sitting cross legged on my bed silent screaming "WHAT'S HE GONNA SAY!?" I'm in the trenches with you guys too I promise))
But it wasn't Deidara. It was Kisame.
God what did he say? Fuck having one life to live – a thought that served only to twist the knife in his already wounded heart – how did he explain to Kisame what he was doing out here in his current state?
"Not who you were expecting?" He asked, bypassing Itachi's disheveled appearance. Either he didn't notice or he didn't comment and Itachi was thankful he didn't say anything in the case of the latter.
He shook his head. "No, actually I thought Deidara followed me out here so I was surprised to see you. It's been a while."
"Yeah. Been a busy week." He said. "Do you always come out here this early in the morning?"
Itachi cast his eyes on the stones beneath him, speckled with tiny dark patches from the failing rain. The Shisui in his dream told him that his heart would know what to say when the moment was right and here Kisame was, standing before him, and he couldn't find his voice or the words to supplement it. So he merely shook his head. "Do you?"
"Hm-hm. I like to wake up at the crack of dawn and jog around campus before the rest of the world wakes up. Sets the tone for my day and gets my head straight. But I've never seen anyone else out here on the hilltop and I couldn't help but think to myself 'that looks like Itachi.'"
Itachi stared at the grass below his feet and pursed his lips. Shisui was right. He could've rehearsed plenty of monologues in preparation for this moment and still would have forgotten every word. But who was he kidding? Shisui didn't actually tell him that. Those words were all a product of his imagination and his own lack of resolve. A harsh sting that brought him back to reality and only made him angrier at himself for not having all the answers like Shisui would have.
"Hey um…" Kisame quietly began behind him, "if you wanna be left alone I understand." He said. "But if you want someone to keep you company I can do that too."
Warmth and compassion. Kisame was always like that. Like a tray of freshly baked cookies on a rainy day or a mug of hot chocolate with whipped cream on a snowy one. No matter the storm of his emotions Kisame always met him head on with kindness.
"Why?" He whispered as fresh tears spilled over his eyes.
"Why what?"
"I haven't seen you all week. Why now of all times?" He found himself saying. The bitterness and pain he felt in his heart was looking for an escape and it seemed they'd just found the means to do so. All of his confusion and torment had balled itself up inside his chest and was seeping out like the steam of an active volcano before it erupts. A warning to the tourists idling nearby to retreat and seek shelter so they don't get hurt.
It was the same with Deidara. Except he stepped too close and set off a land mind. And the same was likely to happen with Kisame if he did the same.
"Because…" Kisame began to say before faltering with his words. "Because I can tell you're in pain and I want to help you however I can. I know I was M.I.A. all week but that's because I was working through problems of my own. And I guess you were too by the looks of it."
Rays of sun peaking through in the midst of a hurricane. As much as Itachi wanted to ignore his words he couldn't help but want to gravitate towards them all the same.
Kisame was standing a few feet away still by the curb, keeping his distance. Yet he'd made no move to return back to his dorm or finish his jog.
"Did Zabuza say anything to you yesterday?" He found himself asking.
He was silent for a beat too long which told Itachi everything he needed to know. A moment passed before he finally answered "So he did talk to you yesterday, huh. Cool." He sighed. Itachi stayed silent, waiting for Kisame to make the next move and listening to how he'd react. Evidently Zabuza told him about their encounter but Kisame didn't seem to believe him. "Is that why you're out here crying in the rain?"
Itachi shook his head and placed his hands behind his back so he could lean back and look up at the sky. The rain was light and falling at a steady pace that dampened his hood and enveloped his bangs in a thin sheen of mist that he could ring out with his hands if he wanted to. Miniscule droplets fell into his eyes and stung his irritated nerve endings. "I dreamt that Shisui was alive."
Wet footsteps sounded behind him so he moved over on his perch atop the wall to make room for Kisame to sit. "What was he doing in the dream?" He asked, taking a seat beside him. He was wearing a black track suit without a hood and his normally spiky hair had long since wilted against the rainfall and formed wavy tentacles that fell into his eyes and created tiny tributaries running down his face.
"Nothing out of the ordinary. We were sitting and talking in the cafeteria and it was nice to see him alive and happy and before I knew it I was awake and he was gone again." He said. "The entire time I knew it was an illusion. I knew that it was too good to be true but I wanted for it to be real."
"Dreams are cruel like that." He said and clasped his hands together and crossed his feet at the ankles. "It's all sunshine and rainbows until you wake up to reality and have to go about your day like nothing happened."
"I take it you've had dreams like that before?" He ventured, grateful to be talking about something other than the elephant in the room. Although he was the one who addressed it he wasn't totally ready to give Kisame an answer yet.
Kisame pursed his lips and nodded. "Oh yeah. Don't we all? I mean, I think most dreams are about things we want in life and nine times out of ten we can hop in a car and make those things a reality. And sometimes the things we want can't be driven to." He said. "And in those rare cases, well, it sucks ass."
"Yeah." Itachi agreed. He spared a glance in Kisame's direction who ran a hand down his face to clear the water out of his eyes. "You're covered in rain." He said. "You don't have to stay out here for my benefit you know."
"I'm fine." He quickly said. "I've trained in weather like this before. It's no big deal. My question is: why do you stay out in weather like this? Didn't want Deidara to hear you or something?"
Itachi shrugged. "Well yeah, there's that but I actually didn't know it was raining when I came out here. But I've always liked the rain. I like the quiet calm and the petrichor that comes with rainy days."
"What's petrichor?"
"The earthy smell before it rains."
"Of course it has a name." Kisame chuckled with an amused shake of his head. "And of course you know its name."
"I read it in a book once." He said by way of explanation. "The more you read the more vocabulary you acquire."
"Yeah well I can't sit still long enough to read."
"I know you don't. I've seen it firsthand." Itachi chuckled and rubbed at his eyes with the back of his sleeve. As with most dreams that are vivid in the moments when they occur, the memory starts to slip through your fingers like sand when you awake leaving you alone with a hazy feeling you can't quite place. Through their casual conversation his tears dried up and were replaced by a film of rain water coating his skin. His fingers red from loss of circulation and beginning to prune but he was too numb to move just yet.
"I saw this going differently in my mind." Kisame said.
"Saw what going differently?"
"When Zabuza told me what he said to you yesterday I thought you'd be mad at me or something. I don't know really. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you're surprisingly calm." He said. "We're on the same page right? He told you about my crush?"
Itachi nodded. "He's not a junior like I thought. Just a dense freshman who can't see beyond his textbooks to notice."
Kisame smiled slightly but didn't say thing in response and Itachi understood why. He still hadn't given him an answer one way or another so it was probably wiser in Kisame's mind to stay neutral on the matter. Though given the line of conversation he seemed curious to know where Itachi stood.
"This re…reminds me of the day you took me to the aquarium." He said after a moment. The cold was finally starting to get to him as his teeth began to clatter.
"How so?" Kisame asked.
"After I…fainted you…led me over to the railings to get my bearings and…you kept your…arm wrapped…around me as we sat on the floor of that dimly lit room…w-watching the sharks and…I kept thinking…about your k-kind manner and w-what it w-would feel like to be wrapped in your embrace again."
Kisame furrowed his brown in concern for Itachi's wellbeing but he made no motion to move in case he missed something pivotal in what Itachi was trying to tell him.
"And it made me wonder w-what it would be…like if we were dating."
