ONE.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Nothing.
He opened his eyes and gave a reluctant glance in Kisame's direction. He was looking at him with wide, bewildered eyes, and smiling from ear to ear.
Itachi hastily looked in the opposite direction – at the field, the trees, the horizon, anywhere but Kisame's penetrating gaze. He said it. He told Kisame how he felt.
And Kisame didn't smash their lips together or envelope him in a crushing hug like Itachi thought he would. He inhaled shakily, trying to calm his trembling muscles and racing heart but despite the embarrassment he felt the corners of his lips were tugging into a small smile.
"Itachi?" Kisame asked softly. "Are you shitting me right now?"
Unfamiliar with the expression, Itachi quickly turned to meet Kisame's eyes, worried that his silence somehow angered him. But no. His eyes were warm and inviting like cookies baking in an oven on a cold winter day. "No…?"
"Are you for real? You're not messing with me right now are you?"
This is the part where he reaffirmed his resolve. Embraced his feelings. "I mean…I-I don't know." He finally said and instantly he felt the warmth in Kisame's eyes flicker so he looked away. "Some-days…I-I think I know what I want. Other days I don't know what I want." He said. "But I don't want to h-hurt your feelings or l-l-lead you on."
Kisame shifted beside him suddenly. He's going to leave. Itachi thought sadly. Maybe it's for the best.
Instead, he unzipped his jacket and draped it over Itachi's shoulders. "Sorry." He said. "I want you hear the rest but I think we should go someplace warmer and less…wet." He chuckled nervously.
Itachi nodded. He was relieved to have a buffer to collect his thoughts before he opened his mouth again. Because in what romance books did anyone tell their crush that they liked them only to retract their words a few seconds later? He wasn't a romance novel expert but he was pretty confident the percentage was low. "Shouldn't I give this back to you then? If we're going to go somewhere else?"
Kisame hopped off the wall onto the grassy hillside where he slid a foot and a half. "Careful!" He laughed. "It's slippery."
Itachi smiled and adjusted his position on the ledge of the wall. Given the current forecast jumping onto a slick hillside wasn't the smartest idea to begin with and Kisame should have known better. But who was to say that Itachi would fare any better?
"Here." Kisame said, walking up behind him and extending his hands.
Take his hand. That was the reasonable approach. After all, if they started dating that's what couples did. They helped each other in intimate ways. But what if he took his hand, slid as soon as his foot touched the ground and pulled Kisame down with him? So instead he turned and gently lowered himself down the wall like a cat descending a tall perch. One leg followed by the other with a strong grip on the surface.
"Stubborn one, aren't you, Itachi?" Kisame snickered behind him.
"You were spotting me." Itachi retorted. "Isn't that what a spotter does? They don't do the work of the weightlifter for them they simply intervene if something goes awry."
"Okay, smartass. Let's head back and get you a cup of coffee or something." He smirked. "And you can hold onto the jacket for now. I can't concentrate on what you're saying when you're shaking like you were."
Itachi nodded and pulled the jacket around his shoulders more tightly like a blanket. They walked up the incline until they reached the sidewalk when Itachi noticed the large mud stains on the back of Kisame's pants. "Are you sure you don't want your jacket to cover up the back of your pants?" He asked.
Kisame turned to look and did a double take when he saw the damage. "Oh shit. It looks like I shat my pants doesn't it? Well if anyone asks I'll tell them that I didn't make it to the toilet in time. That'll shut them up and leave us alone won't it?"
Maybe he was laughing at his own joke. Itachi couldn't tell because he was absorbed in his own world trying to make sense of Kisame's current demeanor. Was he using humor to deflect from how he really felt? Deep down, was he grappling with the possibility of being rejected? Or was he genuinely unfazed and acting like his normal goofy self?
"So what were you saying earlier?" Kisame asked.
Itachi held his breath. He knew what he wanted to say. He wanted to say that he felt like the victim of blackmail. Zabuza didn't blackmail him but nonetheless Zabuza shared something that was most likely meant to be secret and now Kisame knew that too. Perhaps blackmail wasn't the right word but he felt rushed. Rushed into figuring out his feelings for Kisame. Rushed into reconciling with Kisame about how things had been between them this past week. And now rushed into having a conversation that wasn't going very well. "I don't know how I feel. And I didn't want to hurt your feelings or waste your time or lead you on." He repeated. "I guess…after everything with Zabuza…I felt like I should tell you that I liked you but…I dunno. I still haven't sorted everything out just yet."
"That's okay." Kisame said with a lengthy exhale. "If I was 100% sure you liked me I would have told you how I felt about you by now but I couldn't really tell if something was there or not. You know?"
So far so good…
"So if nothing happens between us…romantically…that's fine. But I still want to be friends with you." He said and hastily added "Like, if things stayed the way they were – you and me, cooking and hanging out and studying and going places off campus every now and then and never went any further than that – I'd be okay with that. Like, I never wanted to make you feel uncomfortable and I definitely didn't want to risk our friendship…so I hope if nothing else we can still be friends." He said, looking skyward as if mentally checking off all the boxes of what he wanted to say. A moment passed before he added a definite "Yeah."
It was still raining at a steady pace as they walked back towards campus. Where they were going, Itachi didn't know but he trusted whatever Kisame had in mind. His tone was even, and his words made sense and outwardly he didn't look too downtrodden. So why didn't it feel like a burden had been taken off Itachi's shoulders? If anything, his heart felt heavier, as if he'd lost something.
"You okay?" Kisame asked.
Itachi snapped back to reality and shrugged.
"In general." He elaborated. "Cuz I know you came out here to be alone. Probably didn't expect to have this conversation, though did you? I know I didn't."
That's right. He ran outside in a hurry because of a dream. What did Shisui tell him again? "It's your life to live, Itachi. Make the most of it while you can." He'd said.
Itachi clung to those words said in Shisui's voice, in an illusion that looked exactly like Shisui even if it wasn't real. It was the encouragement he needed when the person he trusted most wasn't here to guide him. And thus words bubbled up his throat and tumbled out of his mouth before his brain could process what he was even saying. "How did you know you liked men?"
Kisame grinned in such a way that his cheeks dimpled as he mulled over the answer to Itachi's question. "Well I guess I looked at guys the same way I looked at girls. And when you're on a swim team it doesn't leave much to the imagination. Think tight speedos that show off everything. Plus dudes changing in front of each other in the locker room and flexing in front of the mirror and comparing each other's packages." He cut himself off there and nodded. "You get the picture. When women walk by, I stare. Stare at their faces, their hair, their height, their boobs, their asses, their thighs. Same thing for men except for the boobs part. Unless they're fat." He said, cupping two invisible sagging pectorals for emphasis.
He couldn't help but roll his eyes at the vulgar descriptions which did not go unnoticed by Kisame.
"What!? You asked so I answered!" He cried.
Itachi nodded. "I know. I just…wasn't prepared for the that kind of response."
Finally they'd made it under the canopy of the community center and out of the rain which was beginning to ease up. As it was, the café wasn't open for another thirty minutes so buying anything to drink was out of the question. Save for the two of them and the occasional janitor vacuuming the carpet the building was vacant. Sitting by the lit fireplace to warm up would have worked if the back of Kisame's pants weren't plastered with mud. Even so they both resembled drowned rats and would garner stares from the custodial staff if they sat on any of the furniture in their current state.
In the end, they found themselves casually leaning against the wooden railing of the back patio which overlooked what used to be the senior quad but had gradually morphed into a swampy marshland. Just over the distance was Kisame's apartment building and a few buildings behind that was the freshman quad where Itachi's building stood.
"The first time I kissed a guy was at a party." Kisame explained when they were outside. "It was a low-key kind of event on campus at an upperclassman's apartment. Lights flashing, music blaring, alcohol, mocktails, soda, you get the picture. I wasn't drunk on alcohol; I was high on the party and the good vibes there you know? When you're chilling and having a good time people tend to relax. There was a guy there that I thought was cute so I hung out, chatted with him for a bit and next thing I know we're kissing on the couch. And I didn't hate it nor did I regret it the next day. So I took that as proof that I must've liked guys. Of course I dated girls too and it felt the same. Different bodies and all that but um…yeah. Hopefully that answers your question."
It answered his question but it didn't make him feel better about his situation. He'd kissed a guy. Or, to be more precise, Deidara kissed him. And he didn't enjoy it. Not during and not after. To this day it still unsettled him.
And then it occurred to him. "Are you saying that we should…?" Itachi started to verbalize before trailing off, too scared to finish his thought.
"Am I saying that we should kiss?" Kisame asked. He laughed and waved his hands. "That's not what I'm saying unless that's what you really want but I don't think you do."
Itachi felt his cheeks heat with embarrassment and ignored the question.
"I'm not saying you have to kiss a guy to know whether you're into men or not. I don't think that's your style." Kisame calmly explained. "But I am a big proponent of experimenting when you're in college. It's what everyone does! Some people dye their hair, or chop it all off, some people make out with the same gender and discover their sexuality and some people focus on getting good grades and maintaining a perfect GPA. I just think it's better to do that in a place where nobody knows who they really are and are trying to figure that out than floundering like a fish out of water after you've graduated, you know?"
Itachi followed his logic. How embarrassing would it be to navigate the waters of same-sex relationships in a corporate office after graduating from college? On the flip side, however, how embarrassing would it be to experiment with such a thing and have it float to the surface like a dead fish later on in life? "I kissed a guy when I was in college but it was just a phase, I promise." He could hear himself explaining to his future fiancée.
"I don't think I've asked you this before but how many people have you dated?"
Itachi was glad he hadn't asked because the answer was "zero." He didn't know how many people Kisame had dated before now and he didn't want to but he was pretty certain that the answer was not one or zero. "I haven't…" He admitted sheepishly.
Kisame snickered fondly. "That's fine. We all start somewhere. I had a girlfriend in the fourth grade and I cringe every time I think about it."
"I'd hardly call that a girlfriend." Itachi interjected.
"I wouldn't call her a girlfriend now but back then I made sure that everyone knew that I had a girlfriend. I thought I was the shit I as so proud of myself to bagging a girl that early. Like I'd won an Olympic medal or something." He laughed.
Ordinarily Itachi didn't care for crude terminology like "bagging" and referring to men as having "boobs" but when Kisame told stories his word choice seemed to serve as a comedic effect rather than represent any malice or derogatory thoughts towards certain groups of people. It was amazing too, to realize how calm he felt in this moment when just twenty minutes ago he was shaking and stuttering over his words. One could pin the blame on the rain but he had a suspicion that his frazzled nerves had a part to play as well and the weather was just a well-timed cover-up.
"What'cha thinking about now?" Kisame asked.
Itachi couldn't help but smile shyly. "Nothing really. Nothing important at least." He said.
"Don't lie." Kisame said. "You're probably thinking about how bad my statistics homework looks since we haven't been hanging out or something like that aren't you?"
"I wasn't but I am now." Itachi chuckled. Actually, if this is what dating feels like, I wouldn't mind giving it a try. He wanted to say. But every time he acted on these thoughts he always regretted it. Sure, Kisame handled it well the first time. In fact, they were talking as if nothing had happened. That was ideal, right? But if he opened his mouth a second time only to back out how would Kisame feel then?
A large hand waved in front of him, bringing him back to reality. Kisame leaned over and smiled that same smile he wore every time the two of them hung out together. "You sure you're alright? You have that thousand-mile stare going on."
It's okay to trust him. Shisui would have said the same thing. He thought to himself. Maybe that's what drew him to Kisame. The similarities between him and Shisui. The care they both showed him and the comfort he found when he spent time with them. And to think he'd only known Kisame for less than a year whereas Shisui had been a core figure throughout Itachi's entire life. It was remarkable to think about how close they'd become.
"This is nice." Itachi finally said. "Hanging out like this. Talking like this."
"Yeah, it is, isn't it?" Kisame said, returning back to his spot a foot away from Itachi. "That's not what's bothering you is it?"
It was but it wasn't. How could he convey that?
"You don't have to worry about my feelings, if that's what you're worried about, you know." Kisame said. His tone was serious and he spoke slowly as if carefully choosing the right words he wanted to use. "Don't feel like you have to rush into something if you don't want to just because Zabuza couldn't keep his mouth shut. You don't have to date me if you don't want to."
"That's not it." Itachi quickly said.
"Are you worried about what Deidara would say? Is that it?"
He hadn't been worried about what Deidara would say until Kisame mentioned it, no. And now that he did he was worried about what Deidara would say, especially given their tumultuous history regarding Itachi's relationship with Kisame. "I wasn't until you said something."
"Sorry." He quickly apologized. "But I wouldn't worry about it. What you do or don't do in your personal life has no effect on him unless you're building a meth lab in your dorm room or something like that. You're not, are you? Is that what you're worried about? Actually, scratch that, I don't want to know."
"No, I am not building a meth lab in my dorm."
"No wonder I've never hung out at your place. It was never about Deidara! You were hiding a meth lab right under my nose!" Kisame announced loud enough for anyone cleaning the hallways on the other side of the double doors to hear and any early risers roaming the quad at this hour.
"Keep your voice down! Someone's going to hear you and believe you!" Itachi hissed. He wasn't mad. If anything he was starting to relax again the wake of Kisame's immature sense of humor. "I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling, if I'm being honest with you." He said, quickly rerouting the topic of the conversation.
"You wanna know what I think?"
"If it has to do with a secret meth lab then no, I don't."
"It doesn't." Kisame smiled.
Itachi could never tell by the way Kisame smiled if he was messing with him or being serious but decided to humor him anyways. "Go ahead." He sighed.
"I think you're nervous." Kisame said. "And I don't blame you. I'm a pretty scary guy and nearly a foot taller than you. Not to mention I could break you in half if I really wanted to."
"Are you trying to sell me on the idea of dating you because if so you're doing a poor job of it." Itachi deadpanned.
Kisame gave a guttural laugh which resounded throughout the back patio. Luckily most people weren't up this early yet to hear him. If they did, well, hopefully they paid them no mind and went back to their lives. "I bet that's the real reason but what I'm trying to get at is dating isn't something you can study for or get a letter grade in. Without your textbook armor and syllabus power ups you're probably feeling pretty vulnerable. Luckily you still have your wits so you might have a chance."
Itachi wasn't a gamer but could tell that Kisame was using gaming lingo to describe his situation. When his brain stripped the analogy of the references to analyze his words for what they really were he frowned. "Are you saying I lack social skills?"
Kisame frowned and looked him up and down before covering his mouth with his hand and looking away. "If that's not the case then what's holding you back?"
Itachi didn't like to think of himself as a prideful person but there were times like these were his pride did the talking before his brain could catch up with what he was saying. Kisame was right. Without textbooks or a proper frame of reference to serve as his guide he was feeling pretty vulnerable. It would take a lot, he imagined, to hurt the feelings of a professor unless you knowingly wrote an essay that would take a jab at them whilst they read it. Dating, on the other hand, was a minefield of feelings. Truth be told, he wasn't sure he was equipped to navigate the complex emotions of another person.
"I take that back. I shouldn't have said that." Kisame said in the deafening silence that settled between them as Itachi processed his words. "I'm just trying to understand what's going on inside your head right now. That's all."
"You're not wrong." Itachi finally said. "I admit that I'm an introvert. I'd rather be studying or reading someplace quiet than partying or going to concerts or crowded places. What I don't understand is how someone like you could like or even want to date someone like me." He said. "My mind has been a mess since Shisui died and I can't even commit to the idea of being in a relationship without toying with your emotions. This can't possibly lead to anything good."
"But we won't know that if we don't try. And that's a risk I'm willing to take." Kisame said. "And I think I already told you this but I like you because you're interesting. I wasn't kidding when I said your eyes were like far away galaxies because there's more to you that meets the eye. And you treat me like someone who isn't a lost cause no matter how many times I fuck up or get distracted or say something stupid. Everyone else would've written me off by now or hooked up and never talked to me again. But you're still here. And the fact that you'd consider dating me…hell, I could kiss you right now. But I won't because I respect your boundaries enough not to overstep."
Itachi's face was hot and his nerves were firing so fast he could almost see sparks flying. Kisame's words jumbled around in his mind but he couldn't focus well enough to remember any of them to effectively replay them in his head. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out.
Just when he thought he was going to faint from social overstimulation a pair of muscled arms wrapped themselves around his shoulders and pulled him into a strong hug. Heart still racing, he instinctively raised his arms to wrap them around the warm body in front of him and relished in the comfort that washed over him in waves.
Kisame lowered his head so that his mouth was just an inch away from his ear and whispered "I hope this is okay. You looked like you did that day at the aquarium for a minute there and I got worried." He said.
Breathe in, breathe out. Those were the only words Itachi could process to keep his vital organs from shutting down.
"If you let me…I want to show you how you make me feel when I'm around you. And…we don't have to do anything you don't want to do. We can take things as slowly as you want to." He said and rubbed his shoulders slightly with his free hand. "And plus, summer's just around the corner. We have the rest of the semester to do a test run and you can think about where we stand over summer break if you want. We could see each other over the break and see where this goes or we can just hang out." He said and took a step back to he could look Itachi in the eyes. "Even if I have to sit in the library pretending to read a book while you're at work. It'll be just like when we used to study for philosophy together!"
Itachi laughed at the stupidity of the idea and leaned his forehead against Kisame's chest as his shoulders convulsed with laughter. "You're ridiculous, Kisame."
"I thought you liked hanging out at libraries!" He protested weakly. "God knows I'll need to study if I fail this statistics final."
Itachi glared at him. "You are not failing your statistics final."
Kisame shrugged. "Then I guess you have no choice but to spend more time with me to help me 'study.'" He wiggled his eyebrows when he said "study."
Itachi playfully pushed him away and headed inside. "Maybe I should let you fail."
"You've invested too much time in me to let that happen!" Kisame called after him. "And deep down I can tell you don't want me hanging around you at the library all summer studying statistics all over again. I mean, think about how embarrassing that would look to all the people who come in with their kids and whatnot." He argued.
He followed Itachi to the café, continuing his story of what it would be like if he set up shop in a brightly lit corner plotting linear regressions while Itachi scanned in library books from the book depository bin. Perhaps this was intentional: go on a meaningless tangent to get him to stop stressing out about dating. Or maybe this was just Kisame being Kisame. Either way, Itachi was content to listen to the strange stories that Kisame concocted if it gave his mind a small reprieve. If this is what dating Kisame looks like then maybe it wouldn't be so bad after all. He thought to himself with a small smile.
Kisame made good on his promise and bought him a chocolate chip muffin and a hot chocolate and a protein bar and a coffee for himself.
"I'm gonna head back to my apartment and change." Kisame said as they left the café. "I think you should change into something warm and get some rest before your first class starts" He said with a gentle pat on the shoulder. "Will you think about what I said? About dating? At the end of the day you should do what makes YOU happy. I know it sounds cliché but it's the truth. Don't worry about my feelings – I'll be fine – and don't worry about what anyone else has to say. You've got one life to live, Itachi." He smiled and set off through the double doors. When he got outside the rain had picked back up so he pulled his shirt over his head to protect his wet hair from getting wetter…?
Itachi looked down at his own arms and realized he never gave Kisame his jacket back but it was too late. He took off jogging and with a hot chocolate in hand there was no way Itachi was running after him in this. It just meant that he had to see Kisame again to return his jacket to him.
Next time I see you I'll have an answer. Itachi promised silently. Though it was more of a promise to himself than it was to Kisame.
"You've got one life to live, Itachi." Kisame told him just as the Shisui in his dream said too.
