CHAPTER EIGHT
I'm the hot topic on your tongue
I'm the rebound gettin' round stealing from the young
Tell me who I am, guess I don't have a choice
All because I liked a boy
~ Sabrina Carpenter, because i liked a boy
BPOV
I was focused on my computer screen, frowning at the latest round of shit Bryan Drake was spewing when Alice popped her head in my office.
"Hi!" She waltzed in, plopping herself down in the chair across from me. "Do you have a minute?"
Shutting the laptop, I smiled over at her. "Sure. Is everything okay?"
"Yeah," she nodded. "Your Oscars dress got to my office yesterday. It's gorgeous. We just need to schedule a few more fittings to make it perfect."
Alice might have been eight years younger than Edward, but they were remarkably similar. I could read my husband easily, and that ability transferred over to his sister usually. Like how she tried to butter you up before asking for a favor. "What do you need, Alice?"
She sighed, in the most Alice-like way that was dramatic but not annoyingly over the top. "Jasper has this benefit at the hospital tonight. Our babysitter is sick and our backup sitter isn't free. And Mom and Dad are out of town and Emmett and Rosalie keep the rehab center open late Thursdays. I know Edward is spending most of his nights writing for the Oscars but… I was wondering if you wanted to babysit?"
I pressed my lips together, already sucked into those patent puppy dog eyes Alice and Edward had perfected. The ones that were impossible to say no to.
I had never babysat Juniper on my own before. I always made sure Edward or Rosalie or Emmett was with me because I didn't think I was qualified to be left alone with such a tiny, fragile little human. She was two, nearing three now, but I still had a knot of hesitation in my gut. A knot that took a backseat to those sad hazel eyes and pouty lips of my sister-in-law.
"Okay?" Still, my answer came out as more of a question than an agreement.
Alice didn't seem to mind. "Thank you! Can you be at the house at seven? We shouldn't be more than two or three hours. Bedtime is at eight, so you shouldn't have any problems."
"Yeah, seven is fine?"
I shook my head, annoyed that everything I said sounded like a question. Alice skipped out of my office a few minutes later and I eyed the clock. Edward would be on his way to his Oscars meeting by now. He answered his phone on the second ring.
"Hey."
The sound of his voice made the panic that had started to build in my chest calm. "Hi."
"Everything okay?"
"Alice convinced me to watch Juniper alone tonight and I don't think I'm qualified to be responsible for a child."
I could have been imagining it, but I could have sworn I heard him cough out a laugh on the line. "We've watched her plenty of times together and you were fine."
"You took care of her and I was mostly there for… moral support."
Edward's voice was calm, no hint of judgment or ridicule as he spoke. "I was an idiot teenager when I had my kids, Bella. If I could handle them then, you can definitely handle Juniper for a few hours."
"I just–I've never–"
"I know," Edward sighed. "Do you want me to cancel–"
"No," I interrupted. Edward was busier than I was these days. Hosting the Oscars was no joke, and he was booked solid for the remaining month before the show in order to get ready. "You say if you could do it at eighteen then I can do it a lot but I have a hard time picturing you ever being as unruly as you say."
Edward scoffed over the phone. "I was unruly enough to end up with twins at eighteen. I think that's example enough for you to know how much of a fucking idiot I was."
"Huh," I hummed. "That's true."
"Besides, it'll be good practice for you."
The uneasiness I had felt since Alice asked disappeared. Because while watching Alice's child sent me into a bit of a tailspin, thinking about watching my own made me smile before I could think too much about it.
The idea of babysitting my own goddaughter shouldn't send me into such a panic. Especially when I was actively trying to have a child of my own. That process seemed to be at a bit of a… standstill. Because in the weeks that followed our initial appointment with Doctor Alexander all I had done was go in for more blood work than I ever knew was possible.
It was a hard habit to break, that initial reaction of assuming I shouldn't be in charge of any child. It was most likely given to me by my parents who shipped me off whenever a new one was around, and was just another thing to add to the list of ways they completely and thoroughly fucked my mental health.
"Bella?"
"Yeah?"
"Are you sure you don't want me to cancel my meeting?"
"Yes, I'm sure. My new life motto is going to be 'if-eighteen-year-old-Edward-can-do-it-than-so-can-I'."
"I love you, smartass."
I chuckled. "Love you."
I left work not long after talking to Edward, stopping at home to feed the dogs and take them on a quick walk. I changed out of my work clothes, and pulled on a pair of well-worn dark jeans and a comfortable black and white striped t-shirt. After heating up the leftover pasta Edward had put in the fridge for me, I got to Alice and Jasper's right at seven.
"You came," Jasper said, surprise written all over his face when he opened the door for me.
My head cocked to the side. "Alice asked me to babysit. It was tonight, right? I–"
"No, yes it's tonight. I just… thought maybe you might come down with a cold or something."
I nodded. "I thought about it. I do appreciate that I'm the last on your list of babysitters, though."
Alice had listed half a dozen different options before she got to me. And while most people might take offense to it, I genuinely appreciated it. Not because I didn't want to help, but because they knew how inexperienced I was with kids and didn't want to put me in an uncomfortable position.
Jasper smiled, stepping aside to let me in.
"You look nice," I told him, eying the perfectly pressed black suit he was wearing.
"Thank you. There's nothing I hate more than a cheesy benefit, so I'll do you a solid and try to cut the evening as short as possible."
Alice rounded the corner, the skirt of a beautiful flowing purple gown billowing around her.
"Wow," I gasped. "You look beautiful."
Alice smiled, doing a little twirl. "Thank you. Now," she said, pulling me in front of her and gripping my arms in a surprisingly tight grasp. "I know you're nervous and you're only doing this because I used Edward's sad eye trick on you–"
"You know about the eyes?" I gasped.
"Of course I know about the eyes, Bella. Edward taught it to me when I was five."
Jasper nodded at me from over Alice's shoulder. He knew about the eyes, too. How it was impossible to say no to them.
"I know you're nervous but I really appreciate it. Junebug is excited, too. She's in the movie room, watching the end of Lady and the Tramp before bed. She's all ready, you just have to make sure she actually gets in bed. Easy peasy, I promise."
"Did you tell her to watch Lady and the Tramp to get you both on my good side?"
Alice nodded, face serious as could be. "Yes."
A chuckle built up in my throat. "We'll be fine. I promise."
Somehow, that promise actually came true. Once Alice and Jasper left I found Juniper watching the end of her movie. She was cuddled up on a giant chair, a pink fuzzy blanket wrapped completely around her. As soon as I sat down next to her, she pulled out a handful of candy she had stashed underneath her blanket and offered me a piece.
One night wasn't the same as a lifetime. But as I watched Juniper waddle up the stairs and head into her room, I wanted the lifetime. I wanted the sleepless nights and the crying fits because those lead to movie nights and walks through the park. I wanted to finally understand what it meant to have a family of my own.
.M.
I was the last one to park my car around Carlisle and Esme's lavish driveway. They went on a little vacation after their hectic few months releasing their latest documentary, a quick week down in Hawaii before they started their own awards season cycle for said documentary. They just got back this morning but it didn't stop them from keeping to their usual Sunday dinner with the family.
Edward had spent the day in his own meetings, but I spotted his car in the lineup as I walked through the front door. The house was loud and boisterous and I followed the noise until I found everyone scattered about in the living room.
"Perfect timing, Bella," Carlisle smiled, walking by and handing me an extra glass of wine I would have to pretend to drink all night. I wasn't pregnant, but actively trying meant I tried to cut out things like alcohol and too much caffeine.
The alcohol was easy enough to give up. My iced coffee was another story.
"Thank you," I said, taking the glass.
"Dinner is ready!" Esme shouted from the kitchen.
A warm arm wrapped around my waist and a soft kiss pressed into the top of my head. Before I could say anything to him, Jasper walked by with a frown. "Everything okay?"
My brows furrowed until I realized his eyes were on the bandaid and cotton stuck to my arm where my latest round of blood work had been taken an hour ago.
"Oh, yeah. All good. Fine," I babbled, removing the band-aid quickly and dropping it in the garbage can in the corner.
Jasper shook his head with a laugh as Edward leaned down to whisper in my ear, "You're a fantastic actress."
"Shut up," I grumbled, following everyone into the dining room.
Dinner was served, a pasta that I couldn't pronounce but was delicious nonetheless. Edward kept his hand on my thigh throughout the whole dinner, but kept a majority of his focus on poor Theo, who had braved his first family dinner with Lucy tonight. Edward, Carlisle, Jasper, and Emmett took turns grilling the poor kid. I'd only had to kick Edward underneath the table three times so far to reign him in.
"So," Rosalie sighed from beside me where she, Alice, Esme and I had started our own conversation to drown out Theo's questioning. "How are things with Byran Drake?"
I rolled my eyes, scooping up my last bite of pasta. "Over, finally."
The whole Bryan Drake situation had been exactly what I assumed I had been getting into with Edward. He was irrational and brash and had the unrealistic expectation that having a publicist meant he could do whatever the fuck he wanted without any consequences. It had been weeks since Renata and I met with him to tell him we were no longer going to be working with him and he'd gone on a little press temper tantrum, making a dozen snide little comments about me here and there.
Rosalie cocked her head to the side. "What?"
I mimicked her expression. "What?"
"You had an affair with Bryan Drake?" Alice gasped. Which, Alice being Alice, meant her squeaky voice caught the attention of everyone at the table.
"No," I snapped. "I would never–well, there was the one affair," I admitted, pointing to Edward, who had ended his interrogation of Theo and turned toward us with a blank expression I knew meant he was trying to hide whatever he was actually feeling. "But that was it. You thought I was having an affair?"
"No," Rosalie said quickly. "I was joking because I read that he said you and him hooked up before you met Edward and it was honestly the most ridiculous thing I'd ever read about you because of how unBella it was."
I rolled my eyes. "He texted me once three…four years ago and I politely declined."
Rosalie nodded. "That is Bella behavior."
"When did he text you?" Edward asked, hand tense on my thigh.
I let out a heavy breath. "When we were in New York for your first SNL episode. Like I said, I politely declined."
"Why?" Lucy gasped loudly from across the table, her cheeks instantly heating. "I mean, Bryan Drake is–well, he's just–"
I had lost my virginity to your father two nights before he texted me didn't seem like a great answer to her question. "I wasn't big on dating," I shrugged. "He's just a spoiled kid who has too much attention and is bitter we dropped him. He's been making snide little comments about me in the press for a few weeks."
It was easy for him, because I was an easy target. I'd always have that reputation of being a homewrecker, being the woman who had an affair with Edward while he was married and while we were supposed to have a strictly professional relationship. It was a label I knew I'd have forever, so Bryan Drake's exploitation of that was no surprise to me.
The conversation shifted, Carlisle and Esme quickly changing the subject when they saw an opening and offering me a small smile in exchange.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Edward's voice was quiet from beside me, his thumb rubbing against the jeans covering my thigh.
"You've been busy. I didn't want to distract you."
"You never told me he actually contacted you before."
I sighed. "It wasn't important, Edward. You were out celebrating with your wife and kids at the time, so I didn't think I needed to bring it up."
I saw his jaw tense and leaned over to press a kiss to it, immediately feeling like I had made a low blow. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you."
"It's alright," he said, pressing a kiss to my cheek.
It wasn't. Because for the rest of the dinner Edward was tense. The kiss he gave me as he walked me to my car was far too chaste for my liking. And he said nothing when we got home before he headed upstairs.
I lingered downstairs, feeding the dogs and letting them run around in the backyard for a while. It wasn't as big of a deal as everyone made it out to be. The text, or the snide remarks. The text had been quickly forgotten years ago. Even if Edward and I hadn't already started seeing each other at the time, I would have said no. And the quips he was making in the media now were hardly the worst things ever said about me.
With a sigh, I called the dogs back inside and went in search of my husband. He was in our ensuite, towel wrapped around his waist with water dripping down his chest.
"I'm sorry," I said quietly, walking over to prop myself up on the counter beside where he stood facing the mirror.
Edward shook his head. "You don't have anything to apologize for."
"The text was–is–inconsequential but I should have told you about what he's been doing. I just didn't want to distract you."
"I know," he nodded, leaning against the counter with his eyes seemingly focused on the marble. "I'm not upset about either of those things I–I know it's not fair or rational and it makes me a fucking hypocriate but the thought of another man taking you out, of another man touching you, it–"
I grabbed his hand, pulling him over so he stood between my legs. His hands immediately went to my hips, pulling me to the edge of the counter until my legs wrapped around his waist. My arms fell over his shoulders, fingers tugging at the damp strands of hair at the nape of his neck.
I pressed a kiss to the warm skin of his shoulder, letting my lips brush against his skin as I spoke. "It's always been you, Edward. It'll only ever be you."
There was only ever him, and there only ever would be. I couldn't imagine a single situation before him where I would have been comfortable enough to let another man touch me, and I couldn't imagine there ever being an after him, either. No matter what.
He lifted my chin, forest eyes blazing into mine. "I know it's not fair. I–"
I cut him off with a kiss, not letting him get so much as a breath in before I brushed my tongue against his. My fingers slid down his chest, quickly loosening the towel around his waist until it fell to the floor. The ounce of hesitation left in Edward disappeared, his hands tightening around my thighs as he pulled me off of the counter.
He plopped me onto my feet at the end of our bed, not giving me a chance to orient myself before he tugged my sweater over my head. The heat in his eyes as he haphazardly unbuttoned my jeans had my thighs pressing together. In an impressively short amount of time all of my clothing was gone and Edward had me pressed into the bed, our lips in a never ending dance.
"I love you," I gasped, as soon as I could breathe again. His lips trailed down my neck, giving enough attention to my breasts to make me squirm underneath him, until he settled himself between my legs. The first flick of his tongue against my clit had me whimpering.
For as fast as he had been to remove my clothes, he seemed perfectly content to spend his time between my legs. Slow, sensual licks were followed by gentle kisses or nips at my inner thigh. The squirming couldn't be helped, Edward's hands tight enough on my hips to try and keep me in place. My fingers dug into his hair, probably too tight, but his moan as his tongue slid inside of me set my orgasm off. He didn't stop until I came on his tongue again, my legs shaking as he kissed his way up my abdomen.
His voice was at my ear, lips brushing against my skin as he spoke. His words in time with the single, slow thrust of his cock inside me. "You're mine."
"Yours," I breathed out, nails digging into his shoulders as he started to move. Every thrust was restrained, each nip at my neck not hard enough for him to work through the frustration I knew was behind his mood.
Edward had spent years trapped in a marriage while his wife lived with another man. Had done it was a smile on his face for his children, but it was still an unbelievably fucked up sitation for him to deal with. A betrayal that, while he said he and Irina never would have lasted in the first place, was still a slap in the face at the time. Still probably put too much doubt about himself in the back of his head.
"Edward," I moaned, lifting his chin so I could see his face. "Fuck me."
He groaned, pressing a sloppy kiss to my lips before pulling away from me completely. He pulled me to the edge of the bed, telling me to flip over with a flick of his wrist at my hip. Our moans were intertwined as he bent me over the edge of the bed, not hesitating to start a hard, frantic pace. His hands never stopped moving, from firm grips on my hips to gentle slides along my back to tight holds on my shoulders until I came again with his name stuck in my throat.
An impressive string of curses left Edward's lips as he came, hands tight on my hips until the hard thrusts turned slow and sporadic.
I didn't realize he had moved us until I regained feelings in my limbs and I was cuddled up next to his side in the middle of the bed. Edward had his eyes closed, but I knew he wasn't asleep. Instead of saying anything, I peppered kisses over his face until he smiled up at me.
.M.
Things didn't get any less busy. With the Oscars getting closer and closer both Edward and I had a lot on each of our plates. He had nightly meetings that would turn into rehearsals soon. I was dealing with the press surrounding his hosting gig and Carlisle and Esme's multiple nominations. On top of all of that I made regular visits to the fertility clinic for bloodwork and ultrasounds, neither of which came back with great results.
My first month off of the pill I didn't ovulate on my own, didn't get my period on my own either. My hormone levels were just barely outside of the norm, but evidently it was enough to throw off my whole cycle. I stopped asking about the results of the blood work after the first month.
The doctor called me every few weeks to talk. She said it was normal after coming off of the pill for so long, but the conversations always left me with a knot in my gut. Because while I was more resolved than ever that I did want a baby, the idea of having to have timed sexual intercourse or intrauterine insemination or IVF just made me sad.
Even now, sex was still fun. Still because Edward and I wanted each other and not because we were scheduled to have it. And I didn't want that to change. I wasn't a big fan of needles in the first place and the constant blood work was already starting to get to me.
I'd do it. All of it, any of it that would work, but I wasn't really looking forward to it.
I thought nothing of it as I sat in my office, deleting the plethora of useless emails in my inbox when Doctor Alexander's name popped up on my phone.
"Hello?"
"Hi, Bella, how are you doing today?"
I sighed, fully expecting another lecture of ovulation and the reasons why my body probably wasn't doing it. "I'm okay."
"Good, good," she said. "I was wondering if we could get you to the clinic tonight for an ultrasound around six?"
I frowned. I'd had a few ultrasounds, but they were usually scheduled further in advance than four hours. I could have asked why, but I didn't really want to know. It wouldn't be good news, so I wasn't interested at this point. "Sure."
"Great. I'll see you then."
It was an inconsequential conversation. One I didn't think would lead to anything. Until Doctor Alexander showed up for the ultrasound instead of the usual tech, and she turned the screen around toward me with a kind smile on her face.
"Well, Bella," she said, pointing to a blurry dot on the fuzzy screen. "Do you see that right there?"
I frowned at the screen. "Yes."
"That is your baby."
My entire body froze; my lungs stopped filling with air and my eyes stayed locked on the tiny inconsequential black blurb on the screen. "W-what?"
She smiled, pulling the screen closer and keeping her finger on the dot. "It's early, two, maybe three weeks. Your last round of blood work showed a slight increase in hCG but I wanted an ultrasound to confirm. You're pregnant."
"But, um," I stuttered. "I didn't ovulate. I–"
"Sporadic ovulation is common with PCOS."
The image on the screen blurred, and it took me longer than it should have to realize it was because my eyes started to flood with tears.
"I'm very happy to say you won't be needing to see us again for now. Just schedule an appointment with your regular obgyn."
The screen went black and it made my chest hurt. "Can I…"
"Jennifer will print you out a few copies."
As if it was a normal Tuesday, Doctor Alexander said a quick goodbye and was out the door. I was left alone to get dressed like this grand, life changing thing hadn't just been dropped on me. Like there wasn't a tiny little dot inside of me now.
The ultrasound technician handed me an envelope that I assumed held photos of my little dot. It wasn't until I was back in my car that I actually let the tears finally fall down my cheeks. I had to constantly wipe them away as I drove home. The dogs tried to lick them away as I fed them dinner. It was as I sat on the couch, picture of my tiny little dot clutched in my hand, that I finally wiped away what seemed to be the last tear.
My eyes floated to the clock and I realized with a jolt that Edward would be home any minute. I never even thought about it, telling him. Because all this time I assumed it would be a much more clinical process and he would already know about it.
Thinking his name made a new round of tears start.
"Fuck," I grumbled, flicking them away. I hopped off of the couch, taking the stairs two at a time until I got to our closet. I found a box that had contained one of Edward's ungodly expensive watches. It was big enough for the picture, and better than my only other option which was a Nike box from the running shoes I bought last week. I dropped the box four times before I managed to get the picture settled neatly inside.
The rumble of the garage opening had me fumbling with the box again.
Edward was pulling a bottle of water out of the fridge by the time I got to the kitchen. He turned around with a smile. "Hey. How was your day?"
"It was, um good," I nodded, my voice sounding unbelievable even to me. "I, uh, got you something."
Edward walked around the counter, smirking down at the box in my hand and chuckling when I shoved it into his chest.
His brows furrowed slightly, probably when he realized the box was too light to contain a watch. I watched them knit completely together when he opened it. "What is this?"
"Our baby," I said quietly, my voice cracking.
Edward's eyes shot to my face.
"It's the little dot," I explained, looking over the top of the box to point to it.
His eyes scanned the photo again. And again. Until his free hand gripped my chin and focused my attention on his face. "You're pregnant?"
"Yes."
His arms were wrapped securely around me before I finished the word.
