Chapter 21
Leaving you
Zoro woke up with a start and sat up on the bed, his senses on alert. He stood still for a long minute, listening for the slightest sound, but the room was quiet and outside, only the first birds chirping was heard. Dawn was about to break. The swordsman laid down, looking for the reason of the racing of his heart. He turned and watched the steady breathing of the blond next to him. For some reason, this sight soothed him as much as it disturbed him and the fencer's heart began to pound in his chest again.
Zoro sat up, uncomfortable. Was he getting sick? The weather was pretty stable here and he didn't remember feeling a draft. Likewise, having eaten spoiled food was excluded since his companion took care of all their meals and didn't seem to suffer given his relaxed sleep.
The swordsman smiled in spite of himself. He doubted that last night's sake was responsible for his condition. On the contrary, it had never tasted so delicious as when he drank it straight from his lover's skin…The fencer then turned his attention back to the cook whose face was still mostly obscured by the night. Zoro was feeling good here.
A shooting anxiety suddenly rose from his belly to his heart, gripping it painfully, and Zoro put an instinctive hand on his chest, in shock. He wasn't sick, he was totally panicked! The fencer forced himself to take deep breaths and thought about the past few days.
Zoro knew himself and he had no doubt his body was trying to send him a message of the utmost importance. Anxiety was often a way for the mind to make itself heard when the conscious part of the brain refused to take into account all the elements available. It was a banal but terribly effective defense mechanism. The fencer was also aware that these signals shouldn't be allowed to grow: the more a truth was disturbing, the more the mind repressed it, but one day or another, it could no longer be ignored and emerged in all its power.
Zoro frowned. He hadn't done anything out of the ordinary the previous days. Yet he was particularly happy between his days on the beach with the crew and his more than hot nights with the cook.
At that moment, the swordsman felt running out of breath and his eyes widened as his gaze instantly fell on his companion. He raised his hand to push aside his blond hair but before he had even brushed him, he froze, his heart pounding. He hadn't forgotten, he had just… put it all in the back of his mind to enjoy it while he still could. But it seemed that he had reached the end of what he could demand of himself.
The swordsman laid down again to face the cook who was still peacefully asleep. He had understood: he needed to go, he needed to leave All Blue. Immediately. At the risk of no longer being able to do so. Without even realizing it, Sanji was slowly dulling his will. He was coaxing his pride to the point of making the fencer forget his purpose.
This thought terrified Zoro. A part of him wanted to be satisfied with what he had already obtained. Another part was yelling at him that he had no right to forget either his commitment to himself or his promise to Kuina.
He knew the cook's dream was here. He had achieved his goal and he had given his word to the inhabitants of the island, why would he want to go back on the Sunny with them? For the swordsman, his dream was still far away.
Zoro sighed softly in the silence of the room. Life with the crew was pleasant, life with the cook had become comfortable. He had grown used to a routine where the pain of his daily workouts was offset by the passion of his nights. Carried away by their incessant adventures, he had accepted the risk of losing him during a fight but not that to deprive himself of this happiness.
But this morning, Zoro knew it. If he didn't leave, he was going to give up on his dream and it wasn't like him. His fate was calling him and he couldn't turn away. He couldn't live if he gave up without giving it his best. And he couldn't ask Sanji to leave All Blue to follow them. Likewise, he knew the blond wouldn't ask him to stay either.
The fencer looked again at his companion's slender face, from the tips of his wheat-blond hair to his pale skin as well as the ridiculously twisted shape of his eyebrows. He was going to miss him so much.
Zoro got up silently, his heart still beating a little too fast. He headed for the bathroom and splashed some water on his face. This realization shouldn't have troubled him so much because it was obvious, Sanji himself must have already thought about it. Moreover, he had understood the reason for his discomfort and the resulting choice had come naturally to him. However, that didn't mean that what awaited him would be easy, if anything. Because beyond an inevitable physical separation, there was another that would be much more difficult for him to accept.
The swordsman looked up at the mirror and observed the empty reflection of his eyes. How was it possible that the very reason for their meeting was the same that would separate them? Sanji had given him an unexpected bond and together, they had taken the tortuous path of an intense relationship. They had committed themselves body and soul and the power of their feelings had blown them away before nesting in them to better blossom and strengthen themselves. Zoro drew from it an energy he would never have found in himself. It was another form of power, less raw and more tender, less solitary and more like a partnership, a power that was created by the both of them. An indescribable alchemy that he wouldn't find anywhere else and of which he was going to voluntarily deprive himself of. How could he have come to this?
The first mate of the Straw Hat crew went down from the crow's nest and jumped smoothly on the deck of the Sunny. The weather was still overcast but the ship was calm and he assumed everyone had gone about their business on the beach or in the village. It suited him. After breakfast, he had quickly left for training to keep himself busy but when he went to lunch, his mind had gone back to work at full speed. He had barely listened to the conversations around him and half of his meal had disappeared in favor of his captain whom he had only glared at. Being usually the quietest among his crewmates, his attitude hadn't seemed too different from usual but he had felt the cook's gaze on him several times.
Zoro hadn't given him the opportunity to deepen his questions though and he had gone back to the crow's nest as soon as the dessert had been swallowed. Then he had spent a good part of the afternoon trying to control the waves of emotion that were piling up in him. Having identified their cause didn't lessen them and he felt that they grew stronger over the hours, completely invading him now that his mind had recognized their presence. He was having a hard time thinking about anything else now. So, he had come to the conclusion that the longer he waited, the more likely he was going to back down.
Zoro took a few steps on the deck. The sound of the ocean around him was reassuring and he took a deep breath, letting his gaze rest unconsciously on the door of the room he shared with the blond. His heart immediately contracted painfully and he looked away so as not to waver in his resolve. He then spotted with surprise the figure of his captain sitting in the shadow of the figurehead, his face obscured by his hat over his eyes. The swordsman shivered. It had to be a sign.
Determined, he approached. "Luffy, I'd like to talk to you."
The loud voice of his first mate made the captain look up, and he pushed his hat back to look questioningly at him.
"We need to leave."
The straw hat boy leaned back against the railing to take a deeper look into Zoro's eyes. "Did Sanji say something?"
The fencer's body tensed. From the tone of his captain, he had perfectly understood the true meaning of his request and the swordsman wouldn't have expected anything else from the boy he had chosen to follow, but the solemnity of the moment was no less overwhelming.
"He… I think he knows but hasn't wanted to really consider it yet." His eyes then wandered beyond the ship towards the village. "He can't ask us to leave without him but he won't leave this island. He found All Blue and he'll stay here. He made a promise."
The swordsman finally turned his attention back to the straw hat boy who was staring at him intensely and Zoro took another breath. "We need to-" He shook his head and forced himself to continue honestly. "I need to go away quickly, Luffy."
The captain's piercing gaze was still observing him and the swordsman didn't look away. In the end, the straw hat boy nodded before sliding his hat over his eyes again to end the conversation. "We'll leave when he asks me to."
This time, Zoro couldn't help but look down, taking a quivering breath. He knew Luffy was right. A crew member didn't decide to break their commitment without the approval of their captain. If he wanted the Sunny to go back to sea as soon as possible, he would have to take responsibility.
Sanji raised a surprised eyebrow when he saw the swordsman turn up at the end of the afternoon in the small kitchen of his house. He had just checked his marinade and his fish dish would be ready for dinner. The blond immediately noticed Zoro's stiff gait and focused face and he wiped his hands before nodding for him to sit around the table.
"What's going on, grasshead? You look concerned."
"We need to talk."
Sanji narrowed his eyes. Zoro's tone was serious and he immediately knew what he wanted to talk about. He sighed. The swordsman was right, they couldn't avoid the subject forever. This afternoon, he had perceived Zoro was looking distracted and he had already had the intuition that the respite they had unconsciously granted each other was coming to an end. This promise he had made hung on them like a weight and both of them had been very good at ignoring it so far. But it was time.
"Okay, I see." He took a chair in turn then took out a cigarette and lit it, fixing his gaze on that of the swordsman in front of him.
For his part, Zoro was staring him straight in the eyes. "I'll be clear." The fencer was stiff as a board and seemed more nervous than the cook would have thought, which surprised him. "We'll set sail again and you're gonna stay."
"Yeah. Seems obvious to me," The blond replied, puffing out his smoke. There was no use trying to make Zoro believe he hadn't thought of it the second he said those words on the beach. The swordsman, however, seemed to stiffen even more.
"So we're gonna leave and you're gonna stay and…"
Sanji watched him carefully while taking a drag on his cigarette butt. Obviously, the fencer had something else to tell him and that part seemed to be the reason for his unease. Suddenly, a shiver ran up his spine.
"We can't go on like this," Zoro finally said. "You and me, I mean."
Sanji's eyes widened in surprise and his cigarette butt slipped out of him. He retrieved it before it burned the table, and shoved it into the ashtray in front of him, frowning. "What are you talking about, mosshead?" He tried to ask him calmly.
"Don't make me say it again," The swordsman sighed.
"I'm sorry but where the fuck did it all come from, I don't get it!" The blond got annoyed.
"You know very well we have no choice."
Facing him, Zoro remained perfectly still. His eyes determined, he didn't seem to suffer from the impact of his words when the blond was feeling his own heart pounding more and more disorderly.
"No, I know nothing of the sort! Your stupid reasoning is totally beyond me, so you better explain yourself!" He roared, catching his breath. Anger was slowly overwhelming him. He didn't understand where the swordsman was coming from and he glared at him over the table. "Is it because you can't bear the distance?" He resumed angrily in front of his silence. "You have irrepressible urges you can't control?!"
Zoro remained unmoved by the cook's attacks. "It's because we don't know if we'll ever see each other again."
His answer dampened the anger of the blond who stared at him, perfectly stunned. On the other side of the table, Zoro finally moved, uncomfortable. "We may never see each other again," He repeated. "Our journey is still long."
"Dammit, Zoro, I won't be away for years!" His companion got indignant. "In a few months at most, I'll be back!"
"Are you really sure?"
Sanji stared at him again, speechless. Of course he was sure! Okay, he'll probably need to go get Zeff and drag him over here to convince him to take over the restaurant. He should help him while he recruits cooks to get started and make a name for himself. The doors would also need to be stable enough to allow the transport of goods and customers, but their reputation would come quickly, their cuisine would be the best in the Grand Line. Then, they would only have to wait for the economic benefits of their investments and for the money to come in enough to redistribute it to the inhabitants so that they can invest themselves in machines, stocks, boats, ...
Sanji swallowed. Maybe it would take time, but it didn't matter, did it?
"We're not going on a reconnaissance expedition this time," The swordsman added. "We're gonna leave and we won't come back. We're going to the New World."
The blond shook his head. "Even if it takes a little longer, what's the problem? The New World is dangerous but we've already been risking our lives every day since we've been sailing the Grand Line!"
"It changes everything because you won't be here," The fencer answered, focusing on his hands. "From the beginning, we risked our lives together. If my path crosses that of Hawkeye or if I need to protect Luffy or the others, I wouldn't be allowed to hesitate."
The cook froze. He knew exactly what the swordsman was referring to. Every day on the Sunny, each of them put their lives on the line if necessary: it was the price to pay to achieve their dreams and they had all accepted it when joining Luffy.
Sanji hadn't understood this commitment when Zoro had told him about it the day they met. He had thought the fencer was foolish to sacrifice his life for his ambition when Mihawk had almost cut him in half with his sword. The fight that had then opposed Luffy to Don Krieg had made him reconsider the question. It was because he himself had given up on his dream that he hadn't understood this logic at that moment. Before meeting the straw hat boy, Sanji thought he was doing what he liked but in reality, he had stifled his desires.
The crew had not only given him back his dream but also his life. Meanwhile, Zoro was already walking this path even before meeting Luffy and he had since proven that he was ready to sacrifice himself to remain worthy of his ambition.
The cook looked up. "I'm not asking you to hesitate, I know your life doesn't belong to me."
His answer didn't seem to satisfy the fencer who bit his lips before forcing himself to fix his gaze on his. "Your life is here. You found All Blue."
"So what? It doesn't mean I wanna leave the crew!" The cook pointed out.
"I know. But you're still gonna stay here, aren't you?"
The blond folded his arms over his chest. "It's not a whim, mosshead. I need Zeff to come on the All Blue. The debt I owe him, I can never repay so it's the least I can do."
"No one blames you for your choice."
At these words, Sanji felt annoyance take over him again. "It ain't my choice," He reminded him sharply. "I don't wanna leave the crew!"
"Are you gonna ask Luffy to stay until you keep your promise then?"
The blond's jaw tensed imperceptibly. He knew the answer to that question. "No, of course. I can't do that. You all have your goals to achieve." He then frowned before pointing an accusing finger at the swordsman. "But you and I, it's different. We don't need to be on the same ship to be together."
Zoro shook his head before looking down. "I can't know if we'll meet again someday."
Sanji leaned over the table; his gaze was determined. "I can wait until you beat Mihawk."
The swordsman looked up at him and Sanji shrugged awkwardly, embarrassed. "I ain't saying it'd be easy and we'd meet again just as though not a single day had gone by. If it happens years from now, there's a good possibility we changed and, in the end, maybe there won't be much left to share… But it's a risk I'm willing to take."
Zoro smiled bitterly at his words and Sanji was struck to see his face completely shut.
"There's a parameter you forget. In order to come back, I'd have to guarantee you to stay alive but I gave up my life to achieve my goal. I put it on the line with every fight," Zoro reminded him while letting his gaze wander beyond the window.
Sanji grabbed the fencer's hand across the table to bring his attention back to him. "I know you'll do your best and that's enough for me."
The swordsman shook his head softly, his eyes still staring outside. He then got up slowly and the blond's hand slipped from his as Zoro went to stand near the window that overlooked the ocean.
Sanji felt a lump form in his throat. The way Zoro was trying to avoid him wasn't like him. "I'm not asking you to make a promise you can't keep," He tried again, "Actually, I'm not asking you anything. I'm just telling you I'll be here."
A long silence stretched in the room and Sanji looked at the back of the swordsman turned towards the window nervously. He didn't understand his attitude. He didn't want to get in the way of Zoro's goal, he was just offering him the opportunity to pursue it knowing that their relationship could wait. The cook simply couldn't believe that the fencer was seriously considering the possibility of dying before he had achieved his goal. Zoro would be the best swordsman in the world one day, the blond was sure of it. The swordsman's will was unshakable.
"I don't wanna hope," The fencer said suddenly, and Sanji felt his heart sink.
"Why? Don't you think it's worth it?" He asked him, feeling hurt. "You don't wanna be with m-" The swordsman's back tensed violently and Sanji stopped, distraught.
Zoro then gradually relaxed his back muscles before turning to face him again. "Don't wait for me," He went on softly, "Live your life and act like I'm not gonna come back."
At these words, the blond felt like Zoro had slapped him and he jumped to his feet, his eyes boiling with rage. "You don't decide for me! I know there's a risk you don't wanna come back, maybe you'll move on and don't need me anymore but it's my choice!" Sanji took a step forward, furious. "If you all leave and our relationship ends right there, hope is all I have left," He hissed, his gaze locked on his.
"Sanji…"
"Don't!"
At the peak of fury, the cook kicked forward but the swordsman was too surprised to defend himself. He stumbled back and his back hit the wall. In three strides, the blond was in front of him. "Don't ask me such things and stop thinking I'm so weak! I'll be fine. No matter what, I'll be fine!"
Zoro blinked and the cook even thought he saw him tremble. He stared at him.
"You're not weak. It-It's me."
Sanji's eyes widened when the swordsman's hand tried to hide his collapsing face. Zoro was struggling to breath under the weight of emotion that overwhelmed him and the blond was petrified.
"Don't make me give up, Sanji," He whispered brokenly, "Please don't make me give up on my dream…"
"Wh-What?"
Trapped against the wall, a tear rolled down the fencer's cheek between his fingers and the cook felt torn in front of his companion's despair.
"If-If you wait for me, I won't be totally focused on my goal," Zoro continued in a broken voice, "I'll hope and I'll want to come back. I won't risk my life in the same way and I don't wanna give up. Sanji, I don't wanna give up…"
The blond felt like the ground was opening beneath his feet. Was Zoro saying that his dream was going to slip away from him if their relationship remained possible as such? How was this possible? The swordsman's will was such a rock since he had met him that Sanji had never questioned it for a second. Was their bond so strong now that it had cracked the determination of the future best swordsman in the world?
"Zoro…" His hand reached out in his direction and his partner's arms closed convulsively around him. Sanji closed his eyes and held him tight, overwhelmed. "I will never do that," He whispered to him, "I will never keep you from achieving your dream."
Sanji felt a lump in his throat and tears welled up in his eyes. He knew what he had to do now. On the first day of their relationship, he and Zoro had sworn that their dreams would always come before anything else and today, the swordsman needed him to keep his promise to be able to pursue his own destiny.
The cook took a step back to fix his eyes shining with tears on his. "You will become the best swordsman in the world and you will keep the promise you made to Kuina just like I will keep mine. No one will give up." He then gently placed his lips on his as he felt his heart break and the tears roll down his cheeks. "I won't wait for you, Zoro. My life is here and this is where I'll build it from now on."
Sanji felt the swordsman's body tense brutally around him and his arms gripped the blond hard again. Hands clenched on the fencer's tee-shirt, Sanji took a deep breath to suppress the sobs that were compressing his chest. New tears burned his eyelids and he straightened up to kiss the swordsman for all he's worth, letting his pain pour out. "All I ask of you is one thing: do me a favor and kick Mihawk's ass for me next time you see him, okay?"
Against him, Zoro had a strangled laugh and he placed his trembling lips on his. "Count on me." The swordsman then took a deep breath and grabbed the blond's face in his hands. He followed the wet passage of the cook's tears with his fingertips and Sanji tried to maintain his gaze in his. At last, Zoro approached again before closing his eyes. "Thank you."
The cook placed his own hands over the fencer's and bit his lips to keep more tears from falling. He regretted so much never telling him. Would three little words have changed anything between them? He wasn't sure and anyway, it was too late. He had just made him a promise and he would stick to it.
Sanji settled to place a burning kiss on the fencer's forehead through which he hoped that Zoro would feel all his passion and distress, but also to tell him that he understood and that he could count on him. That he could always count on him.
He then rested his head against the swordsman's shoulder while his emotions ebbed more widely and he saw the reflection of the ocean in the distance. "Luffy's probably waiting for me."
Zoro nodded imperceptibly and Sanji took another deep breath before finally breaking away from the fencer's body. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and headed for the door without looking back.
The hardest part was yet to come.
I think this is the most emotionally challenging chapter I've ever written, still up to this day. The next one will be just as hard.
I look forward to knowing your opinions.
Musical inspiration: Partir quand même - Françoise Hardy
