TWENTY-SIX
I was dreaming again, but this time was different. Instead of the nice room I was sharing with Cloud in Costa del Sol, I found myself standing in the upstairs bedroom of a modest, multilevel apartment. Through the window, I could see a city that was large, growing, and still being built. A place I'd never been to before but which was still vaguely familiar. Then, I glanced back at the bed and gasped in disbelief.
It wasn't me that was laying in bed with Cloud. It was Tifa. She was watching him sleep, her eyes lingering on him the same way I'd seen them do back in the Midgar slums before she'd so kindly stepped aside to let me be with him instead. My blood burned with fear, confusion, and jealousy. What the hell was she doing there where I should be? Why was she under the sheets with him, her bare shoulders visible as she curled so intimately up to the man I loved? What was going on?
"Do you love me?" she whispered.
I'd had that same question on my mind for a long time now, but… I was too scared to ask him about it, to even acknowledge it and admit the doubts that had begun to fester inside my heart about his feelings for me. Cloud cared about me, but… was that it? Wasn't there anything more? I wanted to believe there was, more than anything, and yet no matter how many times I told him I loved him, he wouldn't return the favor. I didn't want him to worry, but it was getting harder for me to play around like it didn't hurt. And now this… why was she here?
Then a cold, familiar voice spoke softly from behind me. "This is the future that was supposed to be, Jessie."
"What?" I asked, my eyes still on Cloud and Tifa.
"You're in the way," Sephiroth taunted.
I shook my head. "No, that… that can't be! I should be the one who's there with Cloud, not her! What's she doing there?"
Sephiroth moved up next to me. "She loves him. As for you…"
Now I did look at him. "What about me?"
"In this future, you're dead," he replied. "The fate you were meant to have. And in your absence, they found each other."
I backed away from the bed. "But things are different now!"
He chuckled. "Not so much as you think."
"Bullshit!" I swore. Cloud and Tifa didn't move, completely unaware that we were there. "She loves Biggs! I know she does!"
"No, Jessie. She merely settled for less because she knew that what she truly wanted was now beyond her grasp. Because of you. What you have done is shatter Tifa's dreams to fulfill your own."
I clenched my fists at my sides. "It's not like that!"
"Are you sure?" Sephiroth sneered.
"I offered to step aside for her, but she let me be with him anyway," I retorted, but the words sounded hollow.
His laughter was cold. "Only because she knew she couldn't stop you. If you had truly cared for them both, you would never have pursued him in the first place. And now, Cloud—"
"Loves me!" I finished, trembling all over. "I know he does!"
"Then why hasn't he said it?" Sephiroth whispered.
I fell back a step. "I… I don't know. He's got… a lot to work out. And his mind isn't what it should be. But he'll tell me… when he's ready. Once he's whole again. I… I can wait. I can do that for him."
"A comforting lie," he taunted. "His heart has never truly been yours, Jessie. What he desires is something you can never give him, for a puppet can't feel. The real Cloud has no love for you."
"No…" I shivered.
Sephiroth swept his arm out toward the couple in the bed. "Look well at a future that may yet still happen, Jessie."
Tears spilled down my cheeks. "I don't believe you!"
"Oh, I think you do," he sneered. "You just haven't accepted it. But in time, Cloud will turn away from you, and you'll discover that you never knew him at all. You'll be alone, Jessie."
I shook my head again. "You're lying! He'd never do that!"
Sephiroth laughed. "Yes. He would."
"No…" I breathed.
"What awaits you is nothing but despair, Jessie," he went on. Then he twisted the knife. "And soon, you'll see firsthand the nightmare that your dreams became, the results of your carelessness and reckless disregard for the consequences of your actions. You'll see Corel."
I sank to my knees, sobbing. "It… it wasn't my fault…"
Sephiroth towered over me, his smile like ice. "Yes, it was. You know it. Just as you're responsible for all those who died when the reactors were destroyed. Shinra lit the match, but you provided the fuse."
"No…" I wept, but I knew it was true.
"You are a catalyst for destruction, Jessie," he laughed wickedly. "Far beyond anything you can possibly imagine. And very, very useful. Come and find us. We'll be waiting for you, she and I."
I knew who he meant. "Mother…"
It was as if I'd been watching someone else speaking through me. Just as it had happened on the road to Wall Market and in that nightmare I'd had at Fort Condor, I felt something dark and alien in my mind, pushing my own will aside and making me say and do what it wanted. What she wanted. Jenova. Consumed by guilt and pain, I couldn't fight her. And as I sat there crying in the dream, I realized those things had never left, not for a moment. The blame and hurt were still there.
Sephiroth didn't say anything else, and he didn't need to. He'd gotten what he wanted. I was utterly heartbroken, my tear-filled gaze locked on the couple sleeping in bed together. Cloud and Tifa. As the dream finally faded around me, guilt tore relentlessly at my heart, both for the deaths I knew I'd caused and for getting in the way of my friends' future. Jenova's presence lingered in my mind for a while longer, no longer compelling me but not leaving right away, either. Reminding me of the control Sephiroth had over me. And now, I understood why.
When I woke up, my eyes were wet. For a moment, I just laid there and gazed up at the ceiling, thinking about the dream and the doubts it had brought to the surface. Jenova's presence in my mind was gone, but I hadn't forgotten what it felt like or what they'd just done to me. It was tempting to dismiss the dream as just that, but I couldn't. There was no way, not after everything Cloud and I had been through. It had been as real as the ones where he'd seen me die in Midgar. As real as the one I'd had in Fort Condor where I'd murdered Aerith.
If I didn't find a way to forgive myself, to finally overcome the guilt and shame that had been eating away at me for so long it had become a part of me, Aerith would die. That was Sephiroth's way in, both his and Jenova's. The weakness Phoenix had told me about. Weakness of heart. Cloud wasn't the only one who needed to be made whole again. So did I. And if I couldn't find a way to make that happen, I'd never be able to stop myself from killing one of my closest friends.
Next to me in bed, Cloud lay sleeping. Sweet, caring, and boyishly handsome. But I wondered if I really deserved to be with him anymore after the horrible revelations about myself I'd discovered in my dream. Had it been selfish of me to pursue him at all, knowing how Tifa felt? I wasn't sure. She loved Biggs now, but was Sephiroth right? Had she just settled for him because I'd taken away the man she really wanted? How did Cloud really feel about me? I wanted to believe that he'd never turn away, but fear and doubt consumed me.
Laying a hand lightly on his shoulder, I rolled over to face him and whispered softly in his ear. "Do you love me?"
Cloud stirred a little but didn't wake. I decided to let him sleep, not wanting to disturb him and also afraid of what his answer might be. He cared for me, I knew that, but… I couldn't go on that forever. I needed more. But I also had to know if this relationship of ours was right or if I'd screwed up and denied him and Tifa the future that should've been. And I had to find a way to deal with my weakness, my guilt and shame, before it destroyed me and everyone else. For the first time, I felt as if it might've been better if I had died in the pillar.
Moving quietly so I wouldn't wake up Cloud, I climbed out of bed, put on some nightclothes, and went outside onto the balcony. The sky was still dark, and dawn was still a few hours away. I sat down in one of the two chairs and gazed at the beach and the rolling waves. Our room here at the inn had a good view, but for once, the sights and sounds of the ocean couldn't soothe me. I sighed, feeling tired and uneasy despite the beautiful seaside vista laid out before me. Before long, curled up in the chair, I fell into a not quite dreamless sleep.
It was very different than before, though. Strange and unusual, but not really threatening at all. A dark and quiet sort of place, like a room or chamber of some kind, with bits of glowing light, almost as if it was a training area. And… I was there. Several of me, in fact. All of us were pretty different, but we each shared a common bond. Cloud. There was a me in my old Avalanche gear, another who looked like a rancher in a flannel shirt and jean shorts, myself in my phoenix gear, and one more me, middle-aged and looking a lot like my mom.
I don't remember very much of what was said between us, just that two of my other selves were encouraging the older me, telling her their stories and urging her not to give up. Were these me… from the other times this journey had happened? Other variants of our world? I don't know for sure, but… I think they might have been. I remember telling the older me a bit about myself, too, and trying to help her as my other selves had. I didn't know what it was all about, but if it made her happy in her timeline and gave her hope, I didn't mind.
That me deserved Cloud. I wasn't sure I did anymore.
Then I was back on the balcony outside our room at the Costa del Sol Inn. But it didn't feel quite the same. More like I was still dreaming. The air had lightened a bit but had an almost otherworldly feeling to it. Slowly, I stood up, looked around, and realized I wasn't alone out here. There had been someone else in that strange, dark place along with my other selves, and she stood on the balcony with me now. Long, flowing hair, a soft white gown, kind eyes, and a slender staff.
"Materia…?" the name came to me as if I'd always known it.
She gazed out at the beach. "It's beautiful here, isn't it? So peaceful. I can see why you like it so much."
I joined her by the railing. "Yeah…"
"But still, you remain troubled," Materia said.
"To put it mildly," I agreed.
She wasn't surprised. "Your heart is full of sorrow, Jessie. Such pain and heartache. You are about to begin one of the most difficult parts of your journey, and it will not be the last."
"What do you mean?" I asked, not sure I wanted to know.
"Until now, despite all you've gone through, you've been able to go on. You've buried your pain beneath smiles and laughter, doing all you can to keep it at bay. An old habit, if I'm not mistaken. But one which I fear will eventually lead to bloodshed and death if you don't find a way to overcome the terrible shadow in your heart."
I gripped the railing with both hands. "I know, but… what do I do? How can I forgive myself for all that I've done? To so many people, and to Cloud and Tifa most of all? Did I… did I wreck the future they were supposed to have together? Is all that's going on now my fault because I went after Cloud? Because I let us get so close, he cared for me enough to give his blood to save my life. But doing that turned me into exactly what Sephiroth needed to change his own fate."
Materia responded with a question of her own. "Do you remember what Reeve told you about yourself long ago?"
"Yeah. That I tend to blame myself for things I couldn't possibly be responsible for. Because I care so much. I wanna believe that, but… it's hard. I've made so many mistakes, Materia."
"And that makes you different how?" she prodded.
I blinked. "I… I don't know."
Materia went on. "Everyone fails, Jessie. It's part of being human. A painful thing, but necessary. And taking on a burden you shouldn't can be just as much a failure as anything else."
"I never thought of it that way before…" I murmured.
"No, I don't think you did," she laughed softly.
I glanced at her. "So what do I do?"
"Take your own advice," Materia smiled. "Believe."
"My advice?" I stared.
She nodded. "To your other self."
"Was I… was I any help?" I wondered.
"Oh, yes," Materia replied. "See for yourself."
Slowly, I looked to my left, and there she was. My older self. Except she was different now, so different. Blond hair, fierce green eyes full of mako, a SOLDIER uniform tailored for a woman. She'd grown younger than she'd been before, and now she seemed to be my own age. And in her eyes was the peace I longed for in my own.
"Are you… me?" I asked.
"From another time, another place," the other me answered. "Same world, but like yours, things turned out differently than before. Quite a bit more than here, actually. But some things, like me and Cloud being together, are the same. That hasn't always happened, though. There are variants—that is, other timelines—where we didn't. But in mine and in yours and a few others like them, we did."
I gazed curiously at her. "Other timelines?"
She smirked exactly the same way I always did. "Yeah. We're kinda bending the rules here a bit, but it has to be done if everything's gonna stay in one piece. Part of my new job, you might say. Think of it as time management on an epic scale. There are tons and tons of variants, and they all fit neatly together into the big puzzle that's our planet. At least, normally. Wasn't always that way, from what Materia tells me—used to be just one—but something split it long ago."
"What happened?" I was fascinated in spite of myself.
"No idea," the other me said. "Materia won't say. But I think, if you get through this whole mess in one piece, you might find out someday. You see, Jessie, your variant's a nexus, one that can connect more easily to others than some. That's why we're able to have this little chat in the first place. And it's also why Sephiroth's trying use your variant to turn the whole puzzle upside down and control it."
Materia took over. "If he can change his fate here, then he'll be able to use your variant to destroy all the others just like a line of dominoes toppling down one after another. A chain reaction. If he does succeed, he won't just rule one timeline. He'll dominate them all. Every last one. That is what he is after. And why we are here."
"And I'm his means of doing that," I sighed. "He called me an agent of chaos once. Now I understand why."
"Yes. He intends for you to become that."
I shivered. "How do I stop him?"
Materia smiled gently. "You already know the answer. Phoenix told you in the caves. Face your weakness and overcome it."
"I don't know how…" I murmured.
My other self took my shoulder. "Believe, same as you told me. You can't forgive yourself if you don't believe you can. You helped me when I needed it, so now I'm returning the favor."
I nodded slowly. "Believe…"
"Yep!" she winked. "Besides, if you can't trust yourself, who can ya trust? And don't worry about Cloud. He can be a headache sometimes, but he'll come around. In my variant, we've been married for years, so I know him really well. Don't doubt his heart."
"But what about the future Sephiroth showed me?"
Materia waved it off. "A possibility, nothing more. Like the one you saw at Fort Condor. Nothing is set in stone, Jessie. What you saw, it did happen in another variant, but not this one."
I wanted to believe her. "Should it, though?"
"Not necessarily," she shook her head. "The future is fluid and ever changing. Would you like to see another?"
I nodded. "Yeah."
Materia lifted her staff, and then the beach and balcony were gone. Instead, the three of us all stood in the spacious family room of a warm and comfy two-story house decorated for Wintersday. A tree, sparkling with colored lights and a glowing star on top. Underneath it, a colorful pile of wrapped presents. Above the large stone fireplace where a blaze burned merrily hung two stockings, and outside the windows, flakes of snow drifted gently down from the morning sky.
In the midst of all this wonderful scenery, it was the couple on the couch that got my attention. Sitting together, sharing tender kisses and gazing happily at each other. It was Cloud… and me. I didn't look very much older than I was now, maybe thirty. My hair hung long and loose around my shoulders, and two rings glittered on my left hand, both on the third finger. An engagement ring and a wedding band. And Cloud had a matching ring as well. He and my future self looked fondly down at my belly, and I gasped, my eyes wide.
My future self wasn't just pregnant. She was very pregnant.
It didn't look like she had much longer to go. A month at most. As I looked at her and Cloud, so content together as they felt her enlarged abdomen and the baby growing inside, I felt tears building in my eyes. I wanted this future, more than anything. Smiling, I watched the happy couple open their gifts, sip steaming mugs of hot chocolate, and talk of my acting career and an upcoming reunion with all our friends. When my future self playfully fed Cloud a frosted sugar cookie from a plate of them, I couldn't help but laugh. So did they.
"Is this real?" I wondered. "Or is it just in my head?"
My other self, the blond one, grinned. "Of course it's in your head! Doesn't mean it isn't real, though. That's you."
Materia nodded. "This future can still happen."
"I'll make sure it does," I said. "But I've gotta know… is Tifa happy, too? If getting this means hurting her, then…"
She smiled. "In this future, she is as content as you are. She has her own family with Biggs and loves her husband and children dearly. And while you both might not have seen the last of danger and adventure at this point, your friendship remains strong."
I sighed in relief. "That's all I need to know."
"Good," Materia answered. "Then you know what to do?"
"I think so," I replied.
My blond self slid an arm around me. "You've still got a tough road ahead, more than you can imagine, but just hold onto this future, what you've seen here. You do that and you'll make it."
"I will," I promised.
"Then I think it's time to go," Materia whispered. "Take care, Jessie. I don't know if we'll ever meet again. Perhaps one day. Then you might get to see me as I truly am and not as I appear now."
I blinked. "What do you mean, Materia?"
"As a friend you'll meet in the near future would say, that is not my real name," she smirked. "Call me… Minerva."
"You mean… that Minerva?" I gaped at her. "From my play?"
She nodded. "And the legends that gave rise to it."
My blond self laughed. "Far out, huh?"
"You're not kidding," I agreed, utterly floored. "Wow…"
"So long, Jessie," she said, holding out her fist. "You can do this. My variant's got troubles of its own, but if Sephiroth wins here, it'll destroy everything there as well. So I'm counting on you."
I bumped it with mine. "I'll stop him."
"And Jenova as well," Minerva warned. "Do not underestimate her. She desires what he does and seeks to achieve it through you. Whether it's by her will or his, however, I can't be certain. Nor do I know if they work together or in spite of each other."
"She's going down, too," I swore. "I won't be her puppet."
My blond self grinned. "Awesome! See ya!"
Minerva lifted her staff again, and the wonderful future in front of me faded from sight. But never from my heart. I clung tightly to it as I felt drowsiness overtake me and darkness surrounded me. Then, with a start, I woke up again, finding myself back on the balcony in Costa del Sol, curled up in the patio chair where I'd been before this whole thing had started. And standing next to me, concern on his face, was Cloud, his hand gently shaking my shoulder and gazing at me with those baby blues of his. I smiled tiredly up at him, loving him.
"You okay, Jessie?" he asked.
"I think so," I yawned. "Just needed some fresh air."
There was another chair next to me, and Cloud sat in it, wearing a short-sleeved shirt and his black boxers. He must've just gotten up and noticed I wasn't in bed. I supposed he had woken me up, worried as he was. Had all that I'd just experienced with Minerva and my other selves been just a dream? Or had it been more? I still don't know for sure, but I remembered that glimpse of my future so clearly. I treasured it. And I looked fondly at the man who might be my husband one day, thinking of what my other self had said. That he'd come around.
Cloud glanced at the slowly-lightening sky above the water. "Guess I'm not the only one with good timing."
"Seems that way," I agreed, knowing what he meant.
"Ever seen a sunrise?" he asked.
I shook my head. "Nope. What about you?"
"Same," Cloud said, leaning back in his chair. "But since we're both already out here anyway, we might as well. Up for it?"
I smiled. "Love to."
Taking his hand in mine, I gazed out across the beach with him as the sun slowly crept above the waves. Neither of us said anything as the light grew brighter in the sky, and we didn't need to. We just shared the moment together, a quiet little interlude before we had to continue our long journey. I thought of that wonderful future that might still be ours one day, and I knew that in order for it to have a chance of happening, I'd have to make a hard choice now in the present.
"Cloud," I said, letting go of him and standing up once the sun had risen above the water. "I've been doing some thinking since I first woke up earlier. That's part of why I came out here."
He got up as well. "About what?"
I looked at him. "Us, our journey… lots of stuff. And I think… I'm gonna need some space for a while to sort it all out."
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"This isn't a breakup," I assured both him and myself. "More like… slowing things down a bit. There's stuff I've gotta do for myself, and it's really important I figure it out. But being so close to you… it's great yet so distracting, and I need to focus if I'm gonna be able to do what I feel I need to do. I don't know how long it'll take."
Cloud took my hands in his. "Was it something I did?"
"No," I smiled and shook my head. "It isn't you, Cloud. You've been so sweet and wonderful. I couldn't ask for better. But I think we need a little breather for now. Just for a while. Once we leave here and are out on the road again, I'll be staying with the girls at night, at least for now. There's stuff I've gotta deal with that I've put off for way too long, and I think I've been using you to hide from it."
"Can't I help?" he frowned.
"Sorry," I replied, a hard lump forming in my throat. "But no. This is something I've gotta do own my own."
Cloud sighed. "Because of what Hojo said?"
"Partly," I nodded. "But it's not just that, Cloud. Personal stuff that I don't really wanna go into right now. It's just… hard."
"Alright," he said, wrapping me in his arms.
I held onto him for a moment. "It'll be okay, don't worry. And once I've made some progress and dealt with some of this stuff, I'll take you out and we'll do something really special together."
Cloud gave me a faint smirk. "Looking forward to it."
"Me too," I said, managing a little grin.
As much as wanted to stay in his embrace and close to him, I knew I had to let go for a bit. So after giving him a long, tender kiss—the last one we'd have for a while—I gently pulled away and went back into our room to get dressed, wiping tears from my eyes as I did. Cloud came in a minute later, but I was already fastening the last of the buckles on my phoenix outfit by then. After quickly gathering up my things, I headed for the door, not waiting for Cloud to finish getting ready himself. As I started to leave, I glanced back at him.
"I'll… see you downstairs, Cloud," I told him.
He gazed at me, seeming to understand what was going on for the first time. We normally would've met the others together. "Okay, then. I'll catch up soon, Jessie. You… go on ahead."
Taking a deep breath, I turned away and headed downstairs before I could lose my nerve and fly back into his arms. It was hard, probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I didn't have a choice. To make sure our wonderful future together could happen, I knew that I had to give up some time with Cloud in the present so I could get my head on straight and do what I had to do to overcome all the guilt and shame I'd been piling on myself for years. It was the only way for me to beat Sephiroth's hold over me and save Aerith.
Corel would be the first step. Confronting what I felt I'd done there to that place and to Barret and Marlene. As I walked out of the elevator and onto the first floor, I promised myself that somehow, I'd tell Barret the truth while we were there. I owed it to him and to myself as well. It had been eating away at me for long enough.
Author's Note:
Jessie's experience with Materia and her other selves in this chapter is a nod to another good FFVII CloudxJessie series written by a friend of mine. It's called Super SOLDIER by Cloud2367 and can be found on AO3 at archive of our own dot org/works/37600675/chapters/105386340
