E M B
Train Edmonton to Montreal
May 30, 1919
My most darling Lucas,
I am trying to recollect the thoughts and feelings I had on that evening in your office after Christopher blamed you for his father's condition.
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"If anything happens to my father, you're the one I'll blame Bouchard." I see the concern and hurt on your face as you walk away, and I am thinking perhaps I should run after you. But I think I know you well enough to wait and give you time to yourself. I will be seeing you for dinner so we will be able to talk about it then.
I arrive at the Queen and Gustave is telling me that you have been in your office since you arrived. Perhaps I have waited too long? I knock on the door but no longer feel the need to wait for a response, so I enter. Oh, Lucas, the look on your face as you sit there holding your drink says it all. You are torturing yourself with blame and regret. I say the first words that come to mind to give you some relief. "Henry is going to be fine."
"I had no idea of the seriousness of his condition," you say. "Of course, you didn't. And no one thinks otherwise as Henry was keeping it from all of us." Only Carson and Faith truly had an idea of the grave situation he could face. After updating you a bit I ask. "Do you still want to have dinner?" I understand your response and appreciate your honesty in declining.
You are now leaning against your desk, and I want to give you some measure of comfort. I am patting the spot next to me on the settee. "Would you like to join me? I could stay and we could talk a while."
"That would be nice" is your response as you walk towards me and lower yourself next to me. I was prepared for you to be closer to me than our usual distance that maintains propriety, but I wasn't ready for the shivers that shot down my arm and up my thigh as you grazed against me. I had expected the flutters that I normally felt when you were near me, but not this. The need was instant and overwhelming, and I will myself to appear calm. And as my intent is to comfort you, I feel the need to reach out for your hand to squeeze it and give you reassurance.
Surely you can hear my heart beating and sense the desire that is flowing through me. Just then I see you leaning in and I think⦠what do I do if you try to kiss me? I want this so much at this moment. To feel your lips touch mine and to have you hold me against you. Am I ready? Will I have regret afterward? And then you say the words that keep me from having to make a decision. "It is very kind of you to sit here with me, but I think you should go. I want to be patient. I want you to be completely comfortable." I am transfixed and for a moment feel unable to speak but I hear myself saying "Thank you for your patience." Anyone else would have dismissed me but not my Lucas. I see that look of adoration as you raise our joined hands and bow your head to kiss my hand. Shivers and goosebumps down my arm are my instant reactions. Always the kind and thoughtful gentleman I think to myself.
Now I am slowly rising to make my exit, but I can't leave the room without turning back to look at you. I see the desire and sense the tension; I want to come to you but know that this would be succumbing to the feelings that are coursing through us both and not to what may be best. I think I should say something but am rendered speechless. I turn and leave shutting the door behind me and grabbing a menu that I see next to me. I fan myself hoping to relieve the heat that has overcome me. How will I make it through the night with this heat that burns within?
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That is the best I can recall but I remember it was quite sometime later that I realized that it wasn't that you had done the gentlemanly thing as much as the only thing for our future. You wanted my heart and were prepared to do anything to protect that eventuality. Thank goodness we found each other on that bridge when we almost had lost hope of finding our destiny. And should we have succumbed to the passion there in the office, I believe we would have still ended up man and wife. But it would have been a different journey and I am forever grateful for the long and winding road we took, as the arrival was so much sweeter as I had finally opened my heart completely and found my wings.
Yours for all eternity,
Elizabeth
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