"Why? Why didn't you say anything?" A faint laugh escaped from her lips in disbelief, running a hand on her hair. "If my drunk ass kissed you then, it would have still meant something. When it comes to you, it would always mean something. I've wanted to - fuck, Arizona. I've wanted you for the longest time." She allowed herself to expel the air from her lungs, letting out barely perceptible words out of desperation. "Did you even know that?" She croaked, panting slowly. "That I wanted you?" Bridling the anger from scratching her throat as she spoke in a lower voice.
She stopped. Amelia pondered if it was all worth it to share everything now.
There was no getting back to the old them, was she still willing to risk it?
To bare all the unspoken truths she tried so hard to hide all these years?
But then again, there really wasn't much left to save what was left from them. They were damned from the beginning, and sure as hell not saying anything for years was what got them here in the first place. Amelia had her fair share of blame.
Should have.
If she were being honest, this was also technically on her. Amelia hadn't been honest about her true feelings towards the blonde, but why was she putting all the blame out on Arizona?
Why was she being held more accountable for this?
Maybe the circumstances had been largely different.
They were not the same.
Not even close.
Because Amelia never said anything because she was with Mich, even if she badly wanted to be blatant, it would have been pointless then.
Arizona liked Mich. Loved her, even.
Why would Amelia ever get between that? All the more between Callie and Arizona?
Callie practically built a world around her and with her. Callie whom Arizona loved, the one she married and had a baby with (Technically, with Mark involved) but that was not entirely the point.
The point was it was Callie, and it all had been too evident that Arizona never stopped loving her even after the marriage was gone.
Even after the divorce, Amelia knew.
Arizona still looked at Callie in some way .
She still clung to Callie in some way.
And who was Amelia to have a say on that?
Maybe her feelings towards Arizona had not been entirely consistent, because she knew for a while it had already stopped the minute Arizona left Mich for Seattle, and even more at that one night, she spoke to Mark.
That it took another five more years, a couple of personal heartbreaks, unimaginable tragedies in Amelia's life, and a rather complicated tumor case with Arizona's mentor to realize that maybe it all had still been there.
How she felt about Arizona, only just magnified from there.
It left for a while and now it was back at full force.
And since Amelia's realization, she'd been wanting to finally be honest about how she felt. To be honest about Arizona, but timing had always been a let-down and now, it even came to this point where things got more complicated because Arizona kept things from her.
For a year.
And now, all Amelia could feel was anger, and resentment, and god, just perfect - because she couldn't even look at Arizona now.
What Arizona did was far from what she did. It was unacceptable, and maybe Amelia was mature enough to forgive, but she definitely wouldn't forget.
It would have changed the course of their relationship if she had at least said something. At most, Arizona should have at least tried to tell her. She had months. They have had moments when it was just them. When there were no babies to save and no tumors to fix.
They have had moments when it was just them.
When they would catch each other at the on-call room to get an extra hour of sleep. For god's sake, they bunked beds. They had talked, laughed, and been stuck in the same uneventful dinners/parties joined by their colleagues in the past.
And they weren't particularly close, like how Arizona was with April or Alex, and not how she was with her sisters - but they had been, for a brief moment at Hopkins, hell - for a wee time, Arizona had mistakenly thought she was Mich. Had mistakenly run her mouth on Amelia's neck then, had almost gone down on her — they had been that close. Had her right where she wanted even for the briefest of circumstances at that damned kitchen sink, in the supply room closet after having a quickie with Matt. Literally.
And even then, even more - they'd gotten the chance to know each other again when she moved back to Seattle for good. In Herman's case. And after Herman, after Derek's death, after everything, and in between.
Amelia assumed they had established something solid there.
That was not the same person who Amelia would have imagined would keep things from her.
But Arizona by choice, chose not to say anything. Of what happened between them, how she just let that go and went on with her life.
Would she have said something if it all didn't lead to this?
How long would she have kept this from her?
Fuck
Amelia was beyond mad. She couldn't explain it. It was definitely different now, and not the same feeling she had towards Arizona before this all happened.
Right now all she felt was rage.
So, she'll choose violence. Not literally. But Amelia thought it was only rational for her to feel indifferent. To let it all out.
But Amelia was struggling to maintain her composure, all the more - after realizing that at this moment, she couldn't stand to be in the same room as Arizona. It all was too much.
"I wanted you then, and for a short while I've gotten to realize I still wanted you after all these years." She bit her lip, as she swallowed the sob building in her throat as her eyebrows knitted - refusing to look at the blonde who was mere inches from her. She was Amelia Shepherd. She was Amelia fucking Shepherd. She was already past the phase of crying over anyone for anything. Not unless that someone was dead or had moved out of her arm's length.
She was Amelia fucking Shepherd. She was never the type to beg for affection or validation. She didn't have to prove her worth to anyone. And yet here she was, on the verge of a breakdown for someone who wasn't dead - more than alive and breathing, right in front of her.
Fuck that.
She shook her head, almost in disbelief - the most resentful tone slipping through her voice. "I mean you should know that by now, right? You're not stupid. Y-you're a double-board certified surgeon, you know a lot more than I do." She flinched, knowing full damn well that what she said was illogical and had no correlation.
"It can't just be me," Amelia said in finality. She thought she had been full of herself for not allowing Arizona to talk, for letting Arizona ripple the effect of her words without giving her the chance to speak up for herself.
Arizona at least owed her an explanation.
But the blonde almost seemed out of words, as she heaved a long sigh. She furrowed her eyebrows, as she looked right through Amelia's eyes, nothing but genuine regret and despondency. She didn't know what to do with that, honestly.
Not until she licked her lips, before finally speaking up, and Amelia agonizingly tracked the movement of her mouth as she did - with hopes that it could somehow fix the damage that had been done. "I didn't know. I-I was with Mich then, Amelia —."
Of course.
This was a mistake.
She despised her, but not as much as she despised herself because clearly, she would once again regret the next words she was about to say to Arizona.
"Get out ."
She didn't mean to be that cruel and to be that direct. But she was left with no choice.
Arizona blinked forcibly as if almost in disbelief that Amelia would just tell her that - they had unfinished business, and they barely touched on the subject, but tonight - Amelia planned on saving herself, choosing her own peace, or whatever that was left from her. If there was still any.
"Get out." She repeated, this time with more force, shamelessly plain brutal, it even made Arizona flinch.
"You pushed Owen away until he eventually gave up - but I was there. And you hadn't made anything easy - and that didn't bother me, and a lot more happened after that and I–"
Wasn't that what she was incredibly good at?
Pushing people away?
"No, Amelia — please ." She was clasping her fingers right in front of her, practically begging and Amelia hated that. Not to mention how her lips had been struggling to refrain from quivering, forcing her to keep the tears to herself. "I-I need you to listen, I'm sorry."
Great.
Just fucking great.
"After a couple more resistance, you eventually gave in - and you allowed yourself to be taken care of by me. On our last night, y-you kissed me out of nowhere and I… believe me I tried hard to push you away because it wasn't the right time, there has never been a right time to - but… you said some things and I, I've lost control and I gave in and we -"
For a moment, she thought she was about to give in.
To give in to what Arizona wanted.
"For the record, we didn't have sex but - that's not the point."
And then every word that Arizona shared came back at her in full force. A reminder of what transpired, why she was irrevocably angry towards the blonde in the first place.
And yeah, maybe - she shouldn't give in.
Maybe she should just allow herself to feel for once. Even if she knew she was going beyond the standards of being angry, at least this time around - her frustrations were valid.
And it was giving her a headache. Like she just wanted to throw up and push Arizona away, and tell her to never come back.
Would she want that, though?
Was that what she really wanted?
Was she ready to risk the idea without Arizona in her life?
"The point is I kissed you back because I've had feelings for you, but so much has changed in the past year and…"
So much has changed in the past year.
Changed.
Past year.
Had feelings.
All in fucking past tense .
Amelia wondered what even changed.
Was it solely because of her inability to remember that night? Was she so flawed in Arizona's eyes that the feelings she supposedly had for her just stopped?
Had Arizona not been honest? Was there more to what happened in those three nights than what she was told?
It was obviously a yes. Hell, it was three fucking nights of relentless intake of alcohol, not giving a crap over anyone about anything, and being blackout drunk - surely, Arizona left some details out.
Amelia wanted to trust Arizona, but how could she do just that?
When she did everything but tell the truth?
Maybe she didn't lie. But she surely kept things from her, there was a huge difference.
"You mean so much more to me than you think."
Clearly , was a lie.
Because if she did say she was, then things would have ended differently.
But maybe that was the point of everything there, wasn't it?
They were never really destined to work out .
Amelia had been walking blindly for the longest time not seeing that she may just be an afterthought to Arizona.
A backburner.
That thought alone was enough to finally put a stop to whatever game they were playing.
With a loaded sigh yet again, she grazed her finger toward Arizona, slamming it against the blonde's chest, in dismay. "I need you out of my life. I wished you never told me, but I'm glad you did." She restrained the sharpness of her tone, as her steely blue eyes remained focused on Arizona. Amelia was shrugging her shoulders now as if it meant nothing - when in totality, she was feeling everything , and the last thing in her mind was to leave them this way, and yet here she was putting an end to what was left from them. "That way, it'll finally give me a reason to never bother you ever again."
-x-
Arizona left.
After a couple more resistance, and after a couple more instances of Amelia berating herself that it was not the right thing to do yet she was, first in line telling Arizona that she wanted her out of her life.
She did what she was told and she can't fucking believe how Amelia found herself crying over that.
It was all too much to take in. To process, let alone fully comprehend how the years of knowing each other could easily be thrown away in one instance. A mishap.
Ironic to think that she just got off the phone with Mich a few days ago telling her that she had feelings for her then-girlfriend.
That Mich even had the audacity to make fun of Amelia for not making a move on Arizona when it had been years and when they had been practically living in the same hospital.
When the truth behind there was, they already did, just that. Probably even more. With no other than Arizona. But the catch there was she couldn't even remember a single thing. She had been wanting to do everything else Arizona recalled doing with her in those three nights and she couldn't remember. How absolutely hilarious was that?
She refused to let her tears slip past her cheeks and so Amelia found herself with curled up knees on the bed, and her back against the headboard as she thought it'd be easier to transfix her gaze at the ceiling instead.
So much for telling Arizona to leave.
But Maggie was there.
Maggie was always there to save the day. She would always show up in those moments she needed someone.
She found herself locking eyes with her from the entrance to her room, with her head peeking out right through the door, being extremely careful.
Amelia could tell she was. It had always been that way for her with everyone. Like they were walking on eggshells on her because they knew Amelia would hate to look helpless. As if she was some pity party that needed saving. Amelia felt thought at that very moment, she really was, and that she could really use someone. And thank god, it was Maggie who showed up.
"I hate to ask if you're okay, because clearly —"
"Something happened between me and Arizona..."
It was all too funny, that Amelia didn't know how she would bring the subject up, and yet here she was dropping the bomb right there and then.
Maggie's eyes perked up instantly, as she instantly made a beeline to the bed, right where she was. "S-she told you?"
It turned out, Maggie was much more interesting to look at than the rusty old ceiling of her room. "Wait, what – you knew?"
"Okay, please – please, don't be mad! For the record, she made me promise I wouldn't tell." Huh.
As if that would have made things better. Now, why would Maggie even think to do that? They weren't 12 - but, she was supposed to be on her side.
Amelia bit the inside of her cheek hard and thought that as much as she could already feel her anger spiraling out once again, she at least should hear Maggie out. Because she hadn't done the same with Arizona.
She already did that with Arizona and it didn't help at all to shut her out. "Maggie, you're going to have to tell me everything that happened because I swear to god, I'm so done with –"
"It was Arizona." Maggie licked her lips as if she was gearing up to let out an entire speech.
Amelia braced herself for the truth to spill out, knowing damn well how Arizona was just like Maggie, and Maggie was definitely one who also talked really fast. "Arizona looked after you in those three nights. You didn't want Owen, not even Richard or me - but for some reason, you found solace in Arizona. And she was there – looking out for you, and when she wasn't, she was either helping me with the kids or helping Alex run his department because he was also taking care of Meredith. She showed up night after night, for you. And she was just - everywhere , and she didn't mind." Maggie trailed off, and her anger faltered. Amelia was finally giving room for it to dissipate, to fully understand what Maggie was saying, and to know where Arizona might have been coming from. Her chest somehow felt a bit lighter after that, and Maggie sighed once again, a crease on her head forming as she asked, slyly, "By the way, when you said 'everything' do you really want me to tell like, I don't know… every detail—"
"Maggie."
"Okay. On the third night, after I put the kids to bed – I heard something coming from your room so of course, I panicked, I had to immediately check what was happening and –and…" She closed her eyes, a palm covering the top of her head, almost as if in embarrassment. "I- I didn't mean to… you know walked in on you, but it was not as if I even saw anything… I mean, would it be weird to say if I wished I did, just for the sake of getting my facts straight –"
"And?" Amelia's eyebrows shot up, unclenching her teeth which she hadn't been aware she was doing for quite some time now.
Because she loved Maggie. Loved absolutely everything about Maggie including her rambling.
Amelia loved hearing Maggie rambling about god knows what all the time.
But today wasn't exactly the day for that.
It all had been evident in her tone that her patience was already running thin and as much as it all had been rather entertaining seeing Maggie flustered, there was nothing else that she would want out of her sister's mouth but the —
"You were moaning. Like loud , really loud." She expelled the air out of her lungs that Amelia was aware she had been holding for the longest time, and it was actually quite a surprise that Amelia found herself unfazed by that.
It was Arizona after all.
To be frank, who wouldn't?
"I thought you were just having a bad dream, so I went on to check right away and just as I was about to open the door, Arizona was there on the other side — with messed up hair and her lipstick was all over the place, like it definitely seemed as if you thoroughly took the time with her… and then I just knew."
She did not need the memory to be engraved in her head like that.
She did not need someone to tell her.
For someone to fill the missing gaps of what happened to her in those three nights for her.
"I'm sorry, Amelia. But I made a promise not to tell. Because she knew you would beat yourself up for what happened. She hoped that you would be able to remember in your own terms. She never planned on keeping this from you, and maybe that's what drove her into saying the entire truth. Please don't be mad at Arizona..." She remarked in all honesty, and Amelia wished she could scoff at the last bit. She so badly wanted to tell Maggie that it had already been too late for that. "It was my fault. I forced her into finally admitting things with you earlier today because you two had been chummy for the past few days and I-I thought…"
So it was nobody's fault.
But hers .
Maybe she should have given Arizona the benefit of the doubt before she brought out hell.
Because Arizona was somehow true.
She knew her better, and Amelia was convinced after finding out the truth of what happened in those three nights that Arizona may even know her better than herself.
Because she definitely would be beating herself up at the first chance she found out about this. And she wouldn't be able to handle the thought that she had been a burden, caused chaos, and even taken advantage of someone she really cared about. No matter how Arizona was completely aware, no matter how willing she was, Amelia wouldn't be able to forgive herself for that.
She was letting people take the fall for her own actions. Amelia thought this was the consequence she had to face for that. She hated that she couldn't remember as much as how she hated herself for hurting Arizona.
And it was not just because of missing out on their kiss. Or what could have been their very first yet ? It was the irreplaceable moments in between when she was sober enough to take in the fact that Arizona was the one there for her. Who looked out for her at the moment when she felt vulnerable, when she thought being consumed once again in that feeling of helplessness was the answer — Arizona had been there, for her.
And now it all made sense.
The bond they formed after Herman, which she initially thought had been gone.
The way Maggie always seemed as if she was wary of Arizona. How she'd always ask about her whereabouts to Amelia as if she was her responsibility.
Even in the boardroom, right before they were about to meet the new consultant. Maggie was one to ask, who had easily picked the pieces up and noticed what she was going through then had something to do with Arizona.
Maggie had been involved all along.
And Arizona… Arizona had always been there, right when she needed her to be.
-x-
"If you knew Arizona well enough, then you know that woman would never feel obligated into speaking to anybody, except me, that is." A soft chuckle erupted from her lips, with the hopes that Mark would take that as a sign to let it go.
How dare Mark, honestly?
Of course. Amelia was not stupid. She knew Arizona longer than Mark, Callie - hell even the whole fucking Seattle could not compare.
"I know." She said, eyes still never leaving the hallway where Callie and Arizona had just disappeared into. Amelia tried to shake the image of seeing them again; Arizona's hands-on Callie's hair, Callie's hands wandering around Arizona's breasts, which briefly had been in her navel — just about to get literally in her pants. Callie's lips were on her neck, and the back of Arizona's head was firmly cushioned against the wall, as she was giving Callie better access to where she wanted her lips to land.
She had seen Mich and Arizona together before, but the passion and intimacy that they once had, had nothing compared to how Callie and Arizona were. Callie was just talking earlier to Amelia, and she already caught sight of how her eyes glimmered, with a smile to die for the minute Mark brought up Arizona.
Amelia just knew.
Callie might just be the one.
And she wished she could have that.
"Let me guess, you slept with her," Mark replied, trying to sound less accusing, but more of a genuinely loaded question, and Amelia rolled her eyes.
Of course, right down to the sex question from Mark Sloan.
"Fuck you."
"But you liked her, didn't you?" Mark gave Amelia a quick nudge on the shoulder, pulling her out of her thoughts. "Robbins, I mean."
She despised letting Mark know he was right.
Amelia learned the hard way while she was growing up with Derek and Mark was around that she'd never be predictable, moreso, let Mark win in any argument — in whatever context it may be.
But Mark had pretty much been doing a good job at not being wrong (for the first time), and she was more than gracious that his revelation about Amelia wasn't something that he was rubbing on her face. Like how she initially thought it would go down.
Before she could begin to tease him about something else entirely, she instead found herself nodding - and Mark was looking down at her, evidently looking apologetic and it made her chest hurt.
So what if Amelia would say the truth now?
It was not as if Mark could do anything about it either way.
And the truth was, there really was nothing she could do even if she wished it would have been her instead.
"I did before, back in med school." She smiled. Amelia raised her shoulders in a submissive gesture, crossing both of her arms across her chest. Here she was again with even more lies. "Weirdly, I used to have a crush on her, but I wasn't her type."
Mark raised a finger as if an idea just flew into her head, but of course, Amelia did all she could to change the topic.
Arizona was happy.
Nothing else should matter after that.
-x-
Amelia hated being predictable just as much as how she hated admitting to herself that she made a mistake.
She wasn't entirely a fan of having to take all that had been said, let alone, driving all the way to Arizona's house - freezing her ass off on her front porch, a box of donuts in one hand with hopes that Arizona would still forgive her after all the shit Amelia put her through last night.
And Amelia wanted to laugh at how anxious she really was - going to Arizona's in the middle of the night, not even giving a simple heads-up to the blonde that she was coming over because she thought it may mean something more entirely if she showed up unexpectedly.
Who was she kidding?
The woman probably hated her guts right now.
She was the last thing Arizona would ever want to see at 2AM. But at least she had donuts.
Donuts fix everything.
It took a tad minute before Arizona finally opened the door, and Amelia was glad she so did - as she was greeted by the blonde, barely a trace of make-up on her face, with her hair tied up in a bun, looking genuinely shocked than upset, and Amelia figured that was a sight worth seeing compared to the one she initially had in mind. The one she feared. The one where Arizona was angry not because someone was knocking at her door in the wee hours of the morning, but because the person on the other side of the door was Amelia.
And had barely opened the door completely, and Amelia immediately felt her heart drop as she was given a view of what she was wearing.
Arizona in sweat shorts and in her old Hopkins sweatshirt. The one she unintentionally stole from Mich, that technically was Arizona's. The piece of clothing that Amelia had been keeping for the longest time, that for a moment it slipped past her mind that she lent it to Arizona, a few days ago, when she stayed over. When Arizona had too many to drink and Amelia couldn't stand the thought of leaving her all alone in her home.
Oh how the tables had turned then and she wasn't aware.
Arizona had already been there. Had been under the same situation before, had done more than when the roles had been reversed and it was Arizona that she was taking care of.
God, she messed up big time. Probably messed up the one good thing that she had.
And Arizona looked so beautiful in her sweatshirt, which was still almost twice the size as her. The sleeve was barely hanging on her right shoulder and she wished she was spending the night telling Arizona how she looked so damn good in sweats than pulling up to tell her how sorry she was.
"Hi." Amelia greeted her with a smile, - nope, just too pretentious . She cleared her throat instead, bringing her hand up as she gestured to the box of donuts she was holding tightly against her chest... "I brought donuts. I didn't know which flavors you liked, so I sort of bought everything."
"Oh god, did someone die?"
"Wait, what?"
"W hat ?"
Amelia thought Arizona was just trying to be funny, when she made a quick rundown of all those instances she remembered Arizona had donuts and well just fucking great. Maybe she made the worst decision of bringing one, thinking of those two instances one of which was when Mark brought up how Arizona kept leaving donuts on Callie's doorstep for three consecutive days after her ex-husband died and at least 2 dozen of glazed donuts that Arizona placed on the foot of the bottom bunk bed of the on-call room for her when Derek died
Amelia winced, looking extremely apologetic. "God, I'm sorry - I forgot. I thought this would cheer you up." Shaking her head hard as she thought of another way to dispatch her supposed peace offering. "No. I-I mean nobody died. Everything's fine." She reassured her as if that made anything better - honestly.
Everything seemed to be just fine, but them.
"Oh. Okay, well good." The blonde heaved a sigh of relief, briefly putting a hand on her chest. Still looking perplexed, and Amelia couldn't blame her, she literally barged in her door, and for what? "Then is everything okay? Why are you here?" Arizona asked instead, now looking concerned.
She wished she asked everything but that.
Because now, Amelia had no idea where or how to actually start.
"Amelia."
Something heavy sat on her shoulder uncomfortably and Amelia was convinced that hearing the sound of Arizona calling for her name quickly fixed that.
"Your hands are literally shaking. Let's get you inside." Arizona proposed, and Amelia didn't know that had been happening since she arrived. She was just overwhelmed, exhausted, and culpable for ruining them. She needed to say it now, she can't step inside her house - where everything smelt and reminded her, and not say her piece.
"I'm sorry." She exhaled the breath she had been holding, looking directly into Arizona's eyes, ensuring that she gets it, gets her. "For everything."
Arizona shook her head disapprovingly, and she was giving her the softest of smiles and Amelia thought she should quit doing that. It shouldn't always be this easy for her. "You don't have to be sorry for anything."
"I told you to get out." She explained among a million other things she said to her.
"You did it out of reason."
"Maggie told me."
Arizona stopped. Her mouth hung ajar, about to intercept, and ended up saying none. "W-what exactly did she tell you?"
Arizona pulled her inside with a firm tug on her arm, with lips that now had been set in a firm line, probably looking more worried than her because Amelia finally let the truth out about Maggie.
"It was Arizona."
"She showed up night after night, for you.
"And she was just - everywhere, and she didn't mind."
Her heart skipped in her chest and Amelia was half-convinced it was best to lay out everything now before Arizona would decide to change her mind and rat her out. "Everything."
Arizona whipped her head around to face her the minute she closed the door, and quietly nodded as she pushed the loose sleeve off her shoulder in annoyance. "I should be the one saying sorry here, Amelia." She let out a loud sigh as she hung the back of her head on the door.
Their eyes met for a brief moment, and a soft chuckle erupted on her lips. "I didn't want you to know. It was going to –"
Wreck her. And she knew that.
She has always had that habit of beating herself.
Amelia caught herself staring at her and it made her look away, letting go of the donuts she had been carrying as she gently placed them on the nearby countertop. "What's done is done. That doesn't matter anymore."
Was it really, though?
Amelia needed to quit making it all seem less important - but she also didn't want Arizona to think it was her fault. It was entirely hers.
She was angry at herself for letting loose.
Angry for letting the emotions get the best of her when she had been doing such a thorough job staying sober for the past few years.
Angry at how she pushed everyone that truly cared about her. If she hadn't been busy drinking her ass off, then she would have been able to save Meredith through the consult she was asking for. Everything else that happened a year ago was deeply rooted in her actions.
Angry - and oh , oh now she truly understood Arizona's intentions even more. Why she decided to stay silent after months of having a clear window of finally being able to let everything out.
There was nothing else they could do about what had already happened.
That didn't stop Amelia from wanting more clarity, though.
Tonight she would do just that.
She needed to hear from Arizona tonight. Amelia didn't care anymore for whatever context it'd be. She just needed to hear her side, and wanted to give her the room to explain, without cutting her off at every chance she could get. She already had her expectations set low that the night would turn out the way she wanted. Amelia kept telling herself, as long as she could still have Arizona whether as just a colleague or as a friend, that was all that mattered. Nothing else.
At least, nothing else more than that.
They were already way past tiptoeing at each other, walls have already toppled down the minute they both had let each other in - they had done more when they weren't even anything . It was about time they talked. Amelia had to learn it the hard way and listen.
"I still want to talk, though. About us . I promise to listen this time."
-x-
They were on the opposite ends of Arizona's couch now, and they were sitting rather completely far from each other. Amelia assumed the blonde wanted to keep it that way for a reason.
Arizona had her arm placed on the back of the coach, her body fully facing her completely. She still had her prosthetic leg on, and Amelia instantly felt guilty that Arizona was keeping it that way because she was there. "What do you want to talk about?" She asked carefully, and Amelia thought it was killing her to feel Arizona immediately feeling distant and reserved. They'd never been that way. She had never been one to have her features remain stoic and to have all her guard up for anyone. She used to be an open book. She used to be so accessible.
"I didn't let you finish last night." Amelia chewed on her bottom lip hard. Funny how she could easily spot the differences in how they used to approach each other than, then to how they were now - and how she was telling herself that Arizona changed, when in fact she did, too. She can barely look at the blonde, let alone form the words to even convey what she really wanted to tell. "I just… I wanted to know if you had always known about me having this —" She was raising her arms in the air, trying to gesture what they were, and failed. It was more than just a crush, more than just wanting her - hell was it what they already called love at this point? She had never been that brave to say that out loud. She had been so used to having her past relationships say that to her - and not the other way around. But Arizona was different. "You said you didn't know then, because you were with Mich." She swallowed the uncomfortable itch that was scratching her throat, completely in denial that she should let it go just because her ex and then-friend had been brought up to the surface. "But I found that hard to believe… so much has happened, even before I stayed here for good, and you know that —"
Arizona knew about Hopkins. Of loose sweatshirts, and almost kisses at the kitchen sink. Of barging in on sanitized supply room closets and shared glances in the on-call and OR rooms. There just had to be something there.
Arizona nodded, in complete understanding of what Amelia was trying to point out. The corner of her lips twitched, as Amelia also noticed how her body seemed so tense. When she finally found the strength to answer, Amelia found herself leaning forward, all attention being given to Arizona. She licked her lips, mouth opening in a small circle - and then finally, "As I said, I didn't know. I-I was with Mich then, Amelia —."
Amelia winced, but she stood still - motionless, as she clung to the next words Arizona was about to say.
"She was my girlfriend for two years. We never talked that much without Mich around. I had no intention of wanting to know you. Why would I? We were nothing. Not until a few months before I left for my fellowship did I realize I may have been doing that on purpose because—" Arizona pursed her lips, forcing a smile that never really reached her eyes, before mustering the last ounce of her own energy to speak up once again. "I found myself drawn to you. I-I can't explain it - the feeling I had for you. I look at you when you're busy doing god knows what. I look for you when I shouldn't. And I tried to keep my distance, but you were always there - almost as if you magically appeared in moments when I needed you." Amelia found herself blinking forcibly, the slightest ounce of Arizona's revelation bringing her strength. Okay. It wasn't that difficult to believe her, not when it all made sense. But that fact alone didn't make it easier for her, she still had managed to hurt Arizona.
"And you know what? As wrong as things happened — maybe I never really regret the day I almost went down on you because I thought you were Mich, maybe I really wanted to be kissed by you at the kitchen sink. Maybe , just maybe it was not really my business to confront you and Matt at the supply room closet, but I did it anyway cause I was so freaking jealous and furious because it only just confirmed things… of what I truly felt about you." Arizona narrowed her eyes, as she emphasized every word. It felt like a blow in her back, her words coming out colder than expected.
She shifted her eyes uncomfortably, almost as if she felt herself shrinking on Arizona's couch right there and then. "You should have at least said something… anything ." Amelia's voice came out as a shudder, trying to dampen the desperation laced in her tone.
Arizona's brows knit tightly together, failing miserably to keep it all together. "I did . I tried - on my last night, even if we had the slimmest of chances, I wanted to at least be honest with you, but you were there with Matt in your car at the parking lot and I —"
Matt .
Matt and Amelia. In the parking lot.
The brief memory flooded her thoughts, and she felt overwhelmed having to relieve that all over again. " Y-you saw-"
"More than enough ." Arizona cuts her off, and Amelia drawn out a shaky breath - coming off so unprepared. How she had been unaware of what was right in front of her before? Why Arizona seemed so bothered then. Why she pushed Arizona into knowing why and when she felt crushed she couldn't get a straight answer from her when she confronted her then. "And so I left."
She perked her head up, coming into full terms of what that meant, of Arizona's intentions, and of what that entailed from them after that, finally having the vigor to put the pieces together. Why the incident in the supply room with Matt was also the last time she saw Arizona before she moved to Seattle for her fellowship. "Then you came to Seattle, and you met Callie and —"
Arizona finished her off, confirming each and every assumption she had in mind. "And I never looked back again."
They both did.
She moved to Seattle, built a career for herself, met the love of her life, and together, they were able to have this most amazing kid.
And Amelia's life felt like a mess on its own for the most part, but she also had her fair share of wins and successes in life, and that was something she was partly proud of. There had been tragedies and inconceivable fuck-ups, but she pulled through. She liked to think of it that way.
Amelia figured it was the right time to admit to Arizona that their encounter with Nicole Herman wasn't their first since Hopkins, and they, or rather she had been there, stood rather too far for her liking, who had gotten a full glimpse of Arizona's life post-Hopkins. "We both did - moved on, when I came to Seattle to visit for the first time since the shootout." Arizona straightened her posture, noticeably looking astounded that she couldn't remember. She should know that only happened because Amelia put out an extremely good effort not to be seen by Arizona the entire time Amelia had been there. "I saw you with Callie and you were so happy. The happiest I've ever seen you and I knew you belonged here. Mark had an idea - I think. I think he'd always known."
"When I just have these… feelings for someone- anyone, I just know. I've known Mich, and I definitely have known Callie, and look how that turned out. I've eventually ruined things with both of them… with Mich, and with Callie, and Callie was – Callie and I – it was never going to work, as much as I badly wanted it - because I have a habit of messing things up." And Amelia suddenly gets it. The whole night she rambled at how she wished Arizona would get her, and what came out tonight had been the other way around. "I had to lose everything just to know how to find myself, again… It took my marriage as a lesson to better myself. And I was fine, perfectly fine - then you showed up…" She trailed off, eyes looking glassier with each passing moment Amelia didn't want to continue prodding any further, but Arizona wouldn't let her. They have already reached the deep end to simply turn back now. "I couldn't sleep during the first night. I found out from Derek that you were coming in to take his place... So many scenarios ran through my head, the nagging fear that I may also mess things up with you, too - the moment I let you in and so I kept my distance but –"
"Herman. Herman happened." Clear as day, everything started to make sense. The unspoken tension, how Arizona had the nerve to act as if it was their very first time to have only met each other on the day she stole Herman's scans. There barely wasn't even some temp check, as if the shared moments they had of knowing each other in med school had long been gone and forgotten and how they started off with a clean slate.
"And you showed up with a plan, and you came to me more than just as someone who was going to save my mentor. For months I enjoyed your company, of being given a second chance of knowing you better and, and – you were everything, Amelia. Amazing, and brilliant, and you had this glimmer in your eyes when you talked about your surgical plans. It's the same thing I catch when we're not working, talking about the most mundane things when it's just you and me, and I felt so drawn to that." Arizona caught herself panting as if she went through a race when in reality she had only started speaking relatively fast because she wanted her words to matter, but at the same time, Amelia felt as though she didn't want to come off as an oversharer. Amelia badly wanted to swallow the sob building in her throat, wanted to ease the sharp claws scraping off her ribs, making it unbearable to breathe. The whole time she claimed it had always been Arizona who had been oblivious, all along, she slipped past the possibility maybe in Arizona's point of view - that she had been one, too.
"But life has never been really fair, isn't it? Owen liked you. I-I just knew, without anyone ever telling me that because he looks at you the same way I do. And y-you two seemed great together, I don't know - sometimes, I feel like I don't want to find out myself, sometimes I wish it was me instead…"
God, Owen.
The thing that she had with him felt like it happened eons ago. It seemed laughable now that she had already forgotten him or what they used to be. They used to be a thing, fuck. They briefly dated, and yet it all looked as if what she and Arizona had was more clear-cut. She had been so caught up in her relationship with Owen, that she hadn't even been aware that Arizona had been jealous. It made her feel helpless, and it had done nothing but infuriate her even more. "But you were so happy, and that was all I would ever want for you. You of all people deserve it, and I-I love that you were doing so well for yourself, and with Owen - and with work, and I thought being able to celebrate your wins and admiring you from afar was enough and then- and then, Derek –"
Derek died.
Amelia felt the sudden urge to grab a donut, and she found it hilarious how she now could understand Arizona and her affirmation with donuts. The memory of Derek hits her hard and nothing could be sadder than that.
"And then all of a sudden, I just want to be physically near you, to be with you - but you wouldn't let me, and I fought harder to stay…I know that's not how you wanted it to be, I know you wanted space, but I just couldn't give you that, I'm sorry if it may have sounded so suffocating but I just - I have this strong urge of wanting to be there for whatever you need. I didn't want to think you were alone." Hell, Amelia couldn't even give her the benefit of the doubt. She felt her stomach coil and she shook her head hard, forcing down the bitter taste that formed in her mouth. Her mind was a mess but the only constant thing that she was getting out of all this was that Arizona had thought about her. She had always believed they were a hopeless case, and then it turned out that she had been in her mind even almost to the same extent as her. She wanted to simply cry at that fact. Why did it all have to be this complicated when they had been on the same page for the longest time? "I didn't want you to be alone, even at that moment when Meredith got attacked. In those three nights I stayed over and looked after you, please know that I wasn't looking into fixing you or reprimanding you on how you should feel, how you should grieve - I just wanted to be there for you." Amelia believed that wholeheartedly and she could already sense how Arizona's voice was breaking now as if her throat had been marred with invisible scars preventing her from being able to express herself fully. Amelia again could feel her hesitation, and she didn't want her to continue any further for fear that it may break the blonde, but at the same time - she knew it was what they both needed.
Arizona ran her fingers through her blonde locks uneasily, failing miserably to look anywhere but Amelia's eyes.
Amelia just knew she was hitting close to that one significant detail that she had been waiting for ever since she showed up at her place. The fetal surgeon caught her bottom lip hard, briefly putting a hand on her lips and fuck. It all seemed as if it was a simple gesture that made Arizona want to reminisce something and fuck, just fuck it. Fuck everything else. Amelia hated that she couldn't relate to that feeling. That she couldn't allow herself to be swept over the feeling because she couldn't recall. "That night, you and I kissed - it felt like coming up for air. But it was wrong, and you weren't — and I tried hard not for it to progress any further, but when you pulled me in I just… I lost it completely. Honestly, I-I thought that you would remember, I let you take accountability for something you had no idea of. Believe me, I've been wanting to say this to you, not in the same manner I did last night. I really planned on telling you the truth even without Maggie." Arizona exhaled slowly, and she stared at Amelia down so deep that Amela was unable to contain the needy whimper that she let out of her mouth. It felt like they were both draped under a raincloud, nothing but heartache and anguish taking over them. She even missed the fact that a stray tear was already forming in Arizona's eyes.
"I'm sorry if I sat this out for a year without ever telling you. It was unfair to leave you that way — I thought by not saying anything about what happened that night was sparing you, but I realized maybe it was only saving me and I hated that."
There was really nothing that they could do to take it all back now. Cliche as how everything transpired, maybe that had to be done for a reason. It was either the universe was telling them they needed each other or telling them they shouldn't.
Amelia believed it shouldn't always be this hard. It shouldn't have taken them a decade to come to full terms if they were really it for each other. It was unnecessary for them to go through all this just to prove a point. Maybe she was blatantly ignoring all the sore points because she badly wanted them to work when in reality, they're only better off as friends.
Amelia opened her mouth and then closed it. She hoped it wouldn't be too much to ask, just because she was already desperate, and she could no longer help it. "Did you ever regret those nights I —"
"No. Never ."
Amelia sighed, shoulders now sagging as she momentarily squeezed her eyes shut. "If you had no regrets then why did you turn me down? I mean … I'm sorry if I'm being upfront now, it's just that - so much has happened, and I think we're already past the point of being overly conscious about things —"
"I want you." Arizona blurted out unexpectedly. In the most casual way, now darker blue eyes pierced through her and it scared her shitless how it all felt as if Arizona had prepared herself into saying just that since day one. " Most of the time, it feels more than that, and it's scary - having this attraction all over again for someone. I haven't felt this way for anyone since Callie - and you know how that speaks a lot for itself. It messes with my head because I already accepted the possibility that I may never be able to feel that way ever again — but you made it seem effortless, you gave me that breath of fresh air and I feel like I'm always on my toes - always looking forward to your next move." Amelia nodded in understanding, having a distinct picture of what she meant. Hell, that was how Arizona had always been to her, too. She had just been bad at verbalizing that, evidently, that was exactly what they were lacking.
It took a lot of guts for Arizona to admit that. The divorce had only been fresh when she moved into Seattle, and since having her back in life, Arizona had remained distant about it. Amelia had been curious if Arizona would be able to open herself up to anyone again, and tonight just confirmed that she made it possible for her to be able to do that.
Which only got her even more confused - because if she wanted Arizona, and Arizona absolutely felt the same way, why did she turn her down at Joe's?
They weren't even friends and Arizona was proposing they be just that. That definitely wasn't an option now. They can't admit they both wanted each other and just be friends .
"What changed?" She softly asked, her voice in the lowest of lows, not entirely fond of where their conversation was heading into.
"I'm what you want. But I'm not what you need, Amelia."
Why… just why?
Amelia remained motionless, caught off guard by how the words took a toll on her. It had been the cliches of all cliches for Arizona to say that, and she couldn't seem to accept that. She couldn't stop, she couldn't just leave it be no matter how a wave of discomfort is hitting her hard right on the chest now. "I'm too damaged that I may not be able to live up to what you truly deserve. You've been through so much. I've known about you for the longest time and the past three nights I shared with you just proved my point even more that you deserve better." Amelia had never thought about Arizona as someone who was damaged. It broke her apart that Arizona was willing to burn herself in the process because she thought she could never be enough for Amelia. That was not true. That will never be true. But what was the point of telling Arizona that now? She couldn't force her to change her mind, or make the decision for her - this was all in Arizona. This was something she had to respect. This was the least she could do, even if that meant letting her go.
"The last thing I want to do is to hurt you —" Arizona reasoned and Amelia oh so badly wanted to interject.
"And you think, asking me to be just your friend won't?" She bit back. And Amelia found herself appalled at how she still had the strength to ask.
She perfectly understood where Arizona was coming from. She didn't have to tell it straight to her face why she turned her down at Joe's, why they kissed, and why she was right beside her now telling her how the feeling had been mutual for the longest time.
Why she had this feeling that Arizona was letting her go.
Why it may be a no for now.
They had history. They had known each other before anyone else met each other in Seattle.
They both had been through so many fuck-ups in their lives. They were both a mess.
Arizona had just gotten out of a relationship that she thought was going to last, which didn't. Now that she found solace in Amelia, she was scared to mess things up with her just like how she did with Mich and Callie. Even if Amelia badly wanted to prove her wrong, Amelia still couldn't give her the assurance that things would be different. Arizona was selfless, and caring, to the point that she was willing to let Amelia go. Perceived she'd be better off being with someone else.
Amelia never felt so helpless, as she sat still rooted to her spot on Arizona's couch, all kinds of emotions threatening to spill out, losing her capacity to think. She opened her mouth, then paused. She tried to exhale heavily yet failed as she felt something knock the air out of her.
Okay.
Maybe she should do what she has been told from now on. Arizona had been very clear ever since that night of Joe's of what she wanted from them and she was too stubborn to ignore that.
Maybe this was their closure.
Maybe she should learn to accept the fact this was all they'd ever be.
At least she'd gotten to hear about Arizona's side of the story. At least she knew Arizona wanted her, and maybe Arizona was making the stupid mistake of putting an end to them but so was actually pulling at a rope, with no one holding the other end of it anymore. "Okay. W-we can try to be friends. We haven't exactly done that before."
She wanted to laugh at how the words felt foreign to her. It was not in her vocabulary to demand something like that, especially from the person she wanted but at least she had an assurance she gets to have Arizona at the end of every day. That was much better than bearing the thought of having none of her.
A small smile finally formed on Arizona's lips and it barely even registered to Amelia that Arizona was now pulling her in, as she flung both of her arms behind her neck, enveloping her in a warm embrace.
What came out was a muffled gasp, followed by her chest feeling like it had expanded ten times, as she too, wrapped her arms on the back of the blonde's head and the other just below her waist. "Thank you, Amelia."
-x-
It felt like a crime, honestly. How it all seemed as if nothing happened, and how they went back to their old ways, talking and catching up - bonding over cups of coffee and donuts she bought. It felt like no time had passed between them, and now they were laughing and talking about how their day had been, and surgery - even right down to the last bit of the horrible salad they had at the cafeteria earlier that day, and briefly about the consultant Bailey hired for the residency program.
Eliza .
Amelia kept forgetting her name, and Arizona kept telling herself it was rude . She wished she could tell Arizona she just didn't care about anything or anyone else at that point, and that just being with her was all that mattered to her right there and then.
But the moment never really lasted long when she abruptly got a page. Not exactly a page, but more of a distress signal - from Meredith. A text message asking where she was and a gentle reminder that she needed to get up early to drive the kids to school. With a sigh, she gave a blonde a knowing look as she only nodded in understanding.
She quickly got her things, and look - she didn't actually have time to stay even longer, but she felt as if there had been something in the donuts that prevented her from keeping her mouth shut. Maybe it was the adrenaline, added to the fact that she needed to be up and going again in a few more hours for another early scheduled surgery after she finished dropping the kids off to school. She had literally no time, and Arizona understood that perfectly as she too, was rushing her back again outside to her door at 4:30 in the morning. She was ushering Amelia to get into her car, and Amelia kept telling herself that she shouldn't, not when it was only just a 10-minute drive back to Meredith's place, and she still had more than a minute to spare.
"Text me when you make it home, okay?"
Amelia found herself nodding, and look – it was just an impulsive afterthought. But she couldn't bring herself to get back into her car and leave the night just like this. They seemed unfinished, and before she even knew it, Amelia was heading back again to her front porch to catch up with Arizona who instantly whipped her head around in surprise.
" Amelia, go home—"
"Will it be too much if I ask for a real kiss?" She licked her lips, regretting how it may have come out so wrong. She squared her shoulders, running a hand in her hair in frustration. "Like a last first kiss?"
She hadn't planned on asking that to Arizona.
Hadn't planned on asking about anything else to her at all. And yet, here she was shooting her shot, acting as if there was nothing else she could lose at this point. It was counterproductive to ask for one when a minute ago they already agreed it'd be better to just be friends.
But a little part of Amelia just wanted to know what it was like.
How it would feel like.
To be kissed by Arizona.
Arizona blinked hard, and despite the quizzical tilt on her head - there definitely was some tenderness in her eyes, and Amelia assumed she was going to consider her offer, but when it was taking too long for her to respond, Amelia resigned, a synthetic laugh coming off of her harder than usual. "Never mind. You know what? Forget I even asked such a thing – good night, Arizona." She waved her hand dismissively, as she turned back around, making her way back to her car once again.
She heard a deep sigh from behind, and before she knew it, Arizona was calling for her name.
She seemed to have missed it, almost as if everything was happening in slow motion because when she turned her head back around again, Arizona was now standing right in front of her - barely inches apart, and she could feel her breath against her own, and just as she was about to open her mouth once again, Arizona had already been quick enough to pull her in for a kiss.
And god, she couldn't even describe how amazing that felt. How she felt her breath hitch in her throat, followed by a needy whimper, because she was finally kissing Arizona, and she was sober enough this time to remember it. To remember how they both seemed lost at the sensation that she already went as far as pulling at Arizona's loose Hopkins sweatshirt fervidly and using her other free hand to cradle the back of the blonde's head to get a better angle. The kiss had been smooth and soft altogether, and it made Amelia's knees weak as she felt Arizona run her delicate fingers to her elbow down to her waist, keeping her steady. She brushed her thumb gently along her jaw, until it made its way near the corner of Amelia's mouth, guiding her to part her lips.
When Amelia finally did, Arizona did not even take a second to swipe her tongue against Amelia's, instinctively earning a groan from her, kissing her back hard with much-needed force. Even with her eyes closed, she could tell that Arizona was enjoying their kiss just as much as she was, and that alone gave Amelia more confidence to nip gently at her lower lip, biting down lightly. The hand that had been pulling at her sweatshirt now had managed to get underneath the loose stop, as Amelia's palm crawled its way down to the tops of her covered breasts, giving a firm squeeze and ending its journey down to her stomach as her palm laid flat against the porcelain skin there, making Arizona moan loud.
And fuck.
The sound was goddamn music to her ears, urging her to do more, but something sat heavily atop her chest as it was also a reminder that this was the furthest they could get. With a sigh, she pulled back and the sight pained her even more, looking back at Arizona now with her face flushed and swollen lips, she was unable to restrain the urge to give her another peck on the lips after that. "This ends here, I-I wouldn't be able to stop," Amelia confessed, as her body was still pressed against hers, a scream died in her throat as she said the words because stopping was not exactly what she wanted. She wanted all of her. She wanted more.
Before she could even explain herself any further, she found Arizona to be nodding in response, as she pulled back slightly to straighten out the Hopkins sweatshirt that Amelia briefly ruffled. "I wouldn't allow you either. I'm sorry." She responded in so much honesty it made Amelia melt.
Amelia finally pulled away fully, as she cleared her throat, shaking the awkwardness of what just happened. "Okay, so… friends? "
-x-
They both know it was not what they wanted.
But they also knew, it was for the best to keep them this way for now.
