Ibuki: Disclaimer! The author does not own any of the material appearing in the story. The OC's belong to their respective owners!
"Hey. I'm Carolina from Red vs Blue."
"And I'm Simmons!"
"And today we'll talk to you about-..." Carolina looked at the script. "Wait a minute, is that what we're talking about?"
"It sure seems like it."
"We're unqualified for something like this!"
"I mean… that really hasn't stopped us before."
"Not if I have anything to say about this."
"What do you mean by-HEY! LET GO!"
Carolina dragged Simmons off set.
"Wah! Hey! What are you doing?!"
Carolina pushed Mikan into the camera. "You'll do fine! Trust me. Besides, this PSA is way out of our league."
"But what topic is it?" Mikan asked as Carolina gave her the topic. "...Oh! Yeah, this is perfect for me. Thanks Carolina-san!"
"Break a leg."
Mikan cleared her throat. "Okay. Hello everyone! I'm Mikan Tsumiki from the Danganronpa series, and today, I'm here to talk to you about… medicine!"
"DID SOMEONE SAY MEDICINE?!"
"...Oh no." Mikan whimpered as Medic walked in.
"Hellooooo! I'm zhe Medic from Team Fortress 2! Sure, I may have lost my license, but I'm still a medical professional!"
"A very unethical one…" Mikan mumbled.
"Ah, nozhing to worry about, frauline! Now, let's get to zhe topic!"
"Yes, let's…"
BGM: Fever (Super Smash Bros Ultimate)
PSA: Medicine
"Alright, so, where should I start? Oh, well, I could go over the basics of medicine." Mikan said. "You see, medicine can prove to be beneficial to your health. Whether you're sick, you have a headache, or you feel like crap, the medicine can help you out in a bind. One or two tablets at a time should work, but don't take more than that or take one an hour after you've taken the initial tablets. There's a reason why overdosing on medicine is one of the major factors of someone dying."
"Fascinating… I have a weapon called zhe Overdose!" Medic said. "A few of zhose needles and you definitely be feeling all kinds of pain before you kick zhe bucket!"
"...Of course you do." Mikan sighed. "Anyway, six to eight hours are generally the best time for you to take more medicine. However, there are also medicinal creams that you can use for situations like bug bites. However, it's recommended that it should be about three to four times a day every four hours."
"That reminds me of zhe time I've invented a cream that cures wounds." Medic mused. "However, zhere was a bit of a… shall we say… side effect."
"AAAAAH! DOC!" Scout yelled.
Medic ran in. "What is it, herr Scout?" He asked before he saw the results. "Oh!"
His arm had come off and had a life of its own, crawling around to try and strangle anyone who came into contact with.
"Fascinating! I made a cream zhat can rot a person's arm off and make it sentient!" Medic wrote it down on a clipboard as Scout's arm tried to climb up and strangle him. "Ohohoho! Feisty!" He pried it off and tossed it to the side as the arm crawled at him.
"Are ya gonna fix this or what?!"
"Just a second! I vish to study zhis more…"
Confessional - Scout
"I finally had that freakin' arm reattached. SIX FREAKIN' HOURS LATER. Seriously, have you ever seen a guy play with an arm for scientific research? He's a good doctor but at the same time, I wonder what's going around in those screws of his!"
End Confessional
Mikan's eye twitched. "You… oh dear…"
"Don't worry, I healed his arm. But the research I've made regarding his arm was… quite beneficial!"
"Greeeat…" Mikan sighed. "Anyway, if you're not sure about the medicine that is right for you, you can always go to the doctor and he'll prescribe the right medicine for you. Just… tell him advance in case if you're allergic to something or you have health conditions because sometimes it'll make things worse. Although, word of advice… if you're not sure what medicine you need, don't go to Mario. I don't care if that's what he learned at medical school, it's just… NO! That's not how it works!"
"You have fever and the chills?" Mario asked.
"Yeah. You got anything for me, doc?" A Toad asked.
Mario smiled. "As a matter of fact… yes!" He pulled out a jar filled with his vitamins. "Just dump all of this into your mouth and you're good to go!"
"A-all of that?"
"Yes."
"I have to SWALLOW ALL OF THAT?!"
Mario gave him a glass of water. "I recommend a big glass of water too!"
Confessional - Mario
"What? That's what the medical school taught me. I don't-a see anything wrong with it!"
Confessional - Summer
"And this is why I only trust Mikan as a doctor. Yeah, Mario's okay… but considering he shoves pills down people's throats like it's candy are major red flags in my opinion. Peach is better, but she's more of a physical therapist if anything. Yeah, Eirin is a good one but the fact she does a lot of experimental drugs on Reisen for research purposes is… another red flag for me. And Medic? Don't get me STARTED on him! You've seen what he's done to my daughter!"
Confessional - Reisen
"The fact that I've gained immunity to Eirin's shenanigans… I'm amazed I'm still alive. Sure, Eirin's methods technically work and everyone in Gensokyo feels better but… I wouldn't trust it juuuuuust because of the… issues I've experienced with it."
"Ooooh Reisen~! I've come up with another experimental drug for you to try~!"
Reisen whimpered, her rabbit ears lowering. "Oh no…"
End Confessional
"I'd like to go to that medical school Mario went to and… have a nice civilized chat with the man responsible for that dangerously unorthodox method."
"Are you kidding? I vant to meet zhe man and see if I can recreate such a fascinating procedure."
"NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT!" Mikan yelled before taking a deep breath to regain her composure.
Mikan looked back at the camera. "So, speaking of doctors, there are times when you feel really sick and the medicine you have at home just isn't enough. A high fever, whooping cough, an infection… if any of these seem majorly concerning, I advise you to go to a doctor. They'll help you out and will give you a diagnosis."
"Indeed! We are zhere to help you in case if you need an extra boost! …Zhat said, I recommend going to see a doctor anywhere but America. It costs a fortune if you even zhink about going for a checkup. It's free health care anywhere else!"
"For once, I agree with you. Not sure why America is like that but… what can you do. Anyway, if you do live in America, I'm sure the insurance that you have will help pay for the costs. Hopefully…"
"'Tis but a scam, unfortunately." Medic said. "Zhey do not know zhe benefits of free healthcare! Heck, even going to the dentist will take a chunk of your bank account!" Medic said. "But… why go to zhe hospital when you can go to me? I can take care of anyzhing that you have! Broken bones? Easily fixed. Gashes? Forget about 'em!"
"You cut corners…" Mikan mumbled.
"Eradicating the cancer in your body? I can get rid of zhat too!"
"You cut corners just for the sake of science! There is no way your methods are completely ethi-... wait, you know how to cure cancer?"
"Ja!"
"...I've been looking for ways to find a cure for that! And you…"
"Ah, you underestimate me, frauline. While you do a bunch of chemotherapy, I took zhe liberty to destroy all types of cancer! You're welcome!"
"I… I've come close to breakthroughs and this mad scientist beat me to the punch… are you freaking kidding me…" She whispered to herself, clutching her head and nearly pulling her hair in disbelief. "A mad scientist… a quack! He… he beat me to the finish line over cancer!"
Medic smiled and looked at the screen. "Chemotherapy is such a primitive science. You lose hair when you use it! But my methods? You can kiss any cancer goodbye! I even developed cures for tuberculosis, ASL and other nasty situations that make your life miserable!"
"Buh- buh… wha… all of it… I've been trying to come up with breakthroughs for those…"
"Why waste hundreds to thousands of dollars when you can just come to me? I can knock those out of you and you'll be a healthy person!" He patted Mikan's head. "Why sit in a hospital bed for days waiting for a diagnosis when I can extend your life? Say no to hospital beds!"
"But… buh… but they like the company and… hahahahahaha… he cured all kinds of problems when I've been researching on how to cure those… all those breakthroughs and this fake ass doctor beat me to it…"
"Aha, but of course, zhere is an unfortunate side effect that when you get into a car or an airplane, you spontaneously explode soooo, you might want to refrain from transportation."
"AHA! I KNEW YOU WERE A QUACK! I KNEW THERE WAS A CATCH!" Mikan exclaimed happily. "I can still do my research on how to destroy cancer properly… YES! There's still a chance!" Her eyes sparkled excitedly.
"WHO THE HELL ADDS SUCH A SIDE EFFECT?!" Summer yelled from off screen.
"She's right. How did you add such a side effect?" Mikan asked, trying her best not to be so smug.
"Ah, it just happens. I've tried to get rid of zhe side effect but as far as I know, it's terminal. Side effects just happen!"
"Oh suuuuuure it does! Just like how THIS just happened! Roll the footage!"
Pause BGM
"Now zhen, most hearts couldn't withstand zhis voltage. But I'm fairly sure your heart-" The heart exploded, causing some of it to fly into Archimedes and not the other doves.
"What was noise?" Heavy wondered.
"It's zhe sound of progress, my friend!" Medic walked over to the fridge and spotted a Mega Baboon Heart. "Ah, perfect!"
"Kill me." The BLU Spy head said.
"Later." Medic closed the fridge.
"Stop right there!" Mikan said. "The voltage in your Medigun is enough to destroy a HEART."
"Ah, but zhat's just the Quick Fix! It has a more voltage capacity zhan most Mediguns."
"Okay, so does it work on your normal Medigun? How about the Vaccinator? The Kritzkrieg?"
"Hahaha, well no, your heart doesn't explode with the other Mediguns."
"Alright, so who do the others do?"
Medigun
"Let's see here…" Medic used his normal Medigun on a normal heart that he had extracted. The heart in question grew to three sizes before it deflated and became flat. "Hmm, fascinating!"
Kritzkrieg
The heart convulsed before it started gushing out blood and showering Archimedes before it sat like a deflated lump. "Hmm… good to know…"
Vaccinator
The human heart proceeded to light up like a disco ball and proceeded to do a disco dance… before it suffered cardiac arrest and proceeded to die.
"Oooh, a disco dancing heart. Fascinating!"
Medic chuckled. "And you wonder why I use Mega Baboon hearts."
Mikan's eye twitched. "You're so nonchalant about it… it's just… gaaaah! Let's just continue the footage!"
"Where was I? Oh yes. There we go..." Medic applied the device onto the Mega Baboon heart and put it into the Quick Fix's beam. "Come on… come on…" The heart started to beat fast. "Hahahaha… AHAHAHAHAHAHA-"
"Ha… ha… ha…" Heavy laughed nervously.
"HAHAHAHAHA!" Medic continue to laugh before he moved his head away in case if it would explode on him while the doves moved away from Archimedes. Luckily, the heart didn't explode. "Oh, zhat looks good." He dropped it inside of Heavy. "Very nice there."
"Should I be awake for this?"
"Ha ha… well no, but as long as you are, could you hold your ribcage open a bit? I can't seem-"
"AAAAH!"
Heavy picked up a piece of his ribcage. "Aw, don't be such a baby." Medic took the rib and tossed it behind him. "Ribs grow back!" He turned to Archimedes. "No, zhey don't." He whispered.
Resume BGM
"PAUSE!" Mikan said and turned to the Medic. "You have complete disregard to human safety, you have disregard to the ethics behind the medicine and above all else, you are a mad scientist who thinks it's okay to experiment on everything! Need I REMIND YOU of the time you lost your medical license over removing someone's entire SKELETON. You're not even a certified doctor anymore! You're… you're just a quack!"
"But I'm still a professional! And besides, my team loves me. If I wasn't zhere, they'd be dying more often! And for zhe record, I don't just heal zhem with zhe medigun-" He brought out his Crusader's Crossbow. "I even have zhis!"
"Y-you… that… that… that's gonna take out someone's EYE!"
"If you aim it at zhe head, yes. But if you aim it anywhere else, it injects a special medicine into your body and it heals zhem instantly. Although it's also filled with cyanide which only works on zhe blue team and anyone else who isn't an ally."
"Cy-cy… cyanide?!" Urge to throttle… RISING…
"Plus, don't you have a medigun just like me? You can Ubercharge zhem, yes?"
"YES! But it doesn't have the same amount of voltage like yours, so I can safely heal up my friends and ubercharge them safely! It doesn't do anything to the heart, but it makes them invulnerable for a short amount of time just like you, but without the risk of spontaneous heart explosions!"
"Fascinating! But if I might add a little somezhing to your Medigun."
Uh oh…
"If you could add just a bit more voltage to it, then it could pack an extra wallop to your teammates."
"...How much voltage are we talking?"
"Enough to give them plenty of energy like an energy drink would do. In fact, you could put in energy drink particles into the stream! Just imagine zhat into zhe bloodstream!"
"But… but but but…"
Medic turned to the screen. "Just imagine me doing zhat for myself! An Energy Drink Medigun zhat can give you bursts of energy! …Of course, the downside would be zhat when zhe ubercharge is over, you might suffer a massive heart attack, buuuut I'm sure zhat can be easily overloo-... huh, is someone boiling a tea kettle?"
End BGM
BGM: On Your Knees (Red vs Blue)
Red slowly rose up from Mikan's face until steam shot out of her ears with a crazy look in her eyes. "You want to talk more about medicine… I'LL GIVE YOU MEDICINE!" She pulled out a comically large injection.
"Ooooh, what is zhat used for?"
"WHAT DO YOU THINK!"
"Ah, but what about zhe hippocratic oath?"
Mikan immediately tore off her medical clothing, wearing nothing but a bra and panties. "I'M OFFICIALLY OFF THE CLOCK! COME HERE, YOU!"
"Uh… uh oh!" Medic turned to the camera. "Auf wedersehn!" He took off running.
"GET BACK HERE, YOU PIECE OF SHIT DOCTOR!" Mikan screamed as she charged at him.
We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by.
Confessional - Maria Torres
"Oh goodness…" Maria looked to the side, watching Mikan chase after Medic. "Eh, he deserves it. Anywho… I'm actually a first responder, so basically, if you are seriously hurt and need to go to the hospital, do not hesitate to call for emergency services. It could mean life or death and I will drop everything I can to get you in our care. …That said, if you're completely stubborn and refuse to call medical services because "It's just a flesh wound", then by golly… I will DRAG your dumbass to the hospital if it's the last thing I do, and I don't care if you'd kick and scream. Simple. As. That."
She immediately got a phone call. "Hmm? Oh, someone's calling medical services?" She immediately answered it. "Hello, Maria Torres!"
"HEEEEEEELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Medic's voice echoed in her phone.
Maria grimaced. Do I help him, or do I not… OOOOOH!
She immediately got into an ambulance and quickly drove off. "Mikan! Save some of that dumbassery for me! I'll heal him up after we both kick his ass!"
Confessional - Tomoe Tachibana
"Hi, I'm the other lady from Trauma Team. The other is Maria. I typically specialize in endoscopy. What that is is that I basically use a tool used to examine the interior of an organ. It directly goes in and I check to see if there are anything life threatening within it. The things I see is not for the faint of heart… although there was this one instance when I examined a patient and he had a few dozen colorful pills down his stomach. And yes, those pills were from Mario." She sighed. "I want to meet the man who taught Mario how to use that and gave him a PhD over it. Because whoever decided THAT is a good idea… is obviously a quack. Apologies, Mario, but you need professional help… just stick with plumbing!"
She cleared her throat. "Anywho, if you feel like there is something wrong inside of you, do not hesitate to ask for a procedure. Nine times out of ten, I'll find the source that is giving you a hard time." She gave a wink.
Confessional - Doc
"Hey hey! I'm a medical professional too! I'm a medic!"
"You're a quack. Mwahahaha!"
"Quiet you! Anyway, I specialize in-"
"OOOOH NO YOU DON'T!"
Hiyoko walked on screen and started pulling Doc's arm, yanking him away. "You are anything BUT a good doctor! Need I remind you of Caboose's foot, you rat faced good for nothing SHIT FOR BRAIN. I'm not letting you harm anyone else again!"
"Wait, I'm a good medic! I swear! That was just the one incident and… NO! NOT THE TORTURE WHEEL AGAIN! NOOOOOOOOO!"
End Confessional
End BGM
Mikan took a deep breath, back in her medical uniform. "Okay! Calm and collected. Anyway, medicine can prove to be beneficial, but seek medical help in case if your condition is life threatening."
"Goodness, Mikan! I've never seen someone internally bleed from every pore in their body!" Maria said, "Seriously, I'm amazed he's still alive!"
"The… puh… puh… power of science is amazing… ooooow…" Medic groaned.
"He'll live." Mikan said as Tomoe was looking him over, along with some Audino and Chansey. "Anyway, this has been Mikan Tsumiki from Danganronpa!"
"Maria and Tomoe from Trauma Team!" Maria smiled with a grin.
"I'm… zhe Medic from Team Fortress… oooow…"
"And we'll see you next time~!" Mikan smiled and turned around. "Now then… time to operate on this man~"
Alternate Ending! (Written by ChaosFlash912)
"Frauline! Frauline! We…we can be reasonable about this!" Medic got out, backed up against a wall by the Ultimate.
"Reasonable? This is merely your idea of reasonable!" Mikan fired back, going for a stab with her giant needle.
SHINK!
"That's quite enough." Between the two of them? Tomoe, who had appeared seemingly from thin air with a naginata in hand, had blocked Mikan's stab.
"Ah! Tomoe…" Mikan dropped the giant injection from surprise as Medic breathed a sigh of relief. "Where did you come from?"
"I understand your frustrations, but this is taking it too far," The endoscopy specialist began, a soft tone in her voice but still one of disapproval. "Were you to cause him harm, you'd become no better than him. Answering such dishonor would only lead to the world going blind in this cycle of revenge."
Mikan turned away with a sigh. "I'm sorry…"
"Frauline Tachibana, thank you for-" Medic was then cut off as Tomoe turned to face him.
"Please, don't pretend like you're innocent in this," She continued. "You would be a gifted medical professional if it wasn't for your…quirks." Tomoe had to pause for a moment to think of a nice way to put 'utter damn insanity', as Maria would put it. "Haven't you ever stopped to consider that possibility? How much good could you do for the world if it weren't for the way your work turned out?"
"Mmm…" Medic put a gloved hand to his chin. "You do have a point, although…"
"Although what?" Tomoe tersely retorted. "Were you not listening to yourself when describing all your experiments and procedures? Energy Drink Medigun, an alternative to chemotherapy in the form of explosive cancer treatments, arms that move on their own? You take pride in doing things that no sane person would do for reasons I can't fathom. Whether it be pride, sadism, or simply not knowing any better, you don't let how other people view your work stop you from doing that. You might take pride in it as your teammates are used to it, but to others, your methods come across as disturbing."
Medic's hand dropped as she went on. "I…understand, Frauline."
"Exactly. It's still no excuse for you to be attacked on this scale," Tomoe firmly responded. "Now both of you are going to quash this and we're going to work on making things better with the practice moving forward. Is that clear?"
"Yes." Both of them mumbled.
"Good." Tomoe then disappeared in a ninja like fashion.
"...So… you want to grab a burger?" Medic offered.
Mikan smiled. "Sure."
Thanks Flash for the alternate ending! Ohohoho, man... the moment I thought of Mikan and Medic interacting, I immediately thought "I can do a PSA with these two!"
Ibuki: *laughing* Ooooh, that was good!
