A/N: TRIGGERS for depression, intrusive thoughts, etc. Start of part III and I have honestly been writing all day because why not. Mistakes are all my own. Hope you enjoy :)
Part III
everything got shattered in the dark
"Yes, I know! I can hear you, Amaya! I hear you so well." Kate addresses the young girl shrieking indignantly in her cot as she, yet again, woke and screamed her protests to the world. It had been a culture shock and a half, finally bringing Amaya home, and Kate had been forced to let go a lot of the measured control and routine she normally valued in her life. Before the ups and downs of Amaya's less-than-to-plan birth, Kate had been sure (cockily, in hindsight, but Princess Perfect wouldn't have permitted anything less) that motherhood surely couldn't be that hard. After all, she'd had sleepless nights, and was used to gruelling physical tasks. She was a planner, able to absorb information easily, and was never one to complain.
She'd done her study, in the time up the mountains with Boxer and Libby and, later, in Canberra. She'd compiled information from whatever books and magazines she could get her hands on and had a clear-cut plan.
She would have a natural birth, no drugs. She'd breastfeed, because she'd read the studies about the benefits to the baby. She'd set up a calming rest environment with dim, calming light and soft music, and her baby would learn to self-settle. She'd eat healthy to keep her own body healthy. She was far from judging other mothers for their choices, but she'd drafted and redrafted her birth and parenting plan, and she was going to stick to it. She'd be supermum.
Of course, nothing had gone to plan. After endless weeks in an incubator, all Amaya wanted was human touch. At night she'd cry and cry until she could feel Kate's skin and, for once, Kate was grateful for the tight confines of their room, because it meant she could roll over and lazily snake a hand in between the bars of Amaya's cot without getting out of bed, but after a few days Amaya developed a preference for looping Kate's hair in a fist instead, adding another complication into the mix. Kate had long-since resigned herself to the constant anxiety as she spent long, sleepless nights rocking and patting and swaddling and shushing. Amaya resisted sleep, no matter how hard Kate tries, only sleeping for twenty minute intervals at most on Kate's chest before waking and screaming her protests in lungs that seemed too big for such a tiny body. Whatever Kate's resolve to get the housework done while Amaya slept, now Kate felt like a prisoner trapped in their own bedroom, trying anything to get the child to stay asleep when, on the rare occasions Kate managed to get her into her cot, she seemed to sense the minute Kate left the room.
She rarely fed, too, and so saw Kate, a week after Amaya came home, once again abandoning the washing up and heading back into the bedroom. Her breasts are rock-hard and sore, and Kate pulls up her shirt on autopilot, already tensing. Amaya, for reasons unknown to Kate but expressed through loud, angry screeches, only wanted to eat from Kate's left breast, and so her left nipple was sore from Amaya's constant gumming while the other was disproportioned and swollen. Kate's come to hate the bedroom - Kate's bed so rarely slept with sheets tossed everywhere in while the cot is such a source of fear. In her first nights at home, she'd bled through her maternity pad, and even though the sheets had been cleaned, Kate still couldn't get the stains out. Of course, the rest of the house is no better and, as Kate carries Amaya out into the lounge room and settles on the lounge, she's careful not to knock the pile of washing she still needs to fold and put away.
There's a tangled blanket too, from where she'd tried (and failed) to sleep when Amaya had fallen asleep on her playmat. And she's in direct line of vision of her kitchen, which sends her another wave of shame. Amaya gums particularly hard and Kate winces. "Can we please try the other side, Shrimp? I'm sore!" Amaya lets out a wail as Kate tries to shift her, and so acquiesces, even though it brings fresh tears of pain to her eyes. "Bet they'd all laugh at me if they saw me here, hey Shrimp? Princess Perfect failing at motherhood." Shrimp pays no attention to Kate's words, and Kate shifts herself further back on the lounge. "You'd be better off without me, wouldn't you?" Kate brushes a thumb over one of Amaya's cheeks, but the young girl recoils from Kate's touch. Kate lets out a dry laugh, taking in the dank mess of her once clean (albeit cramped) house. "Yeah, you'd be in some nice house... with a nice mum who knew what she was doing. Not some stupid slut."
Kate's mouth feels sour. When had she last brushed her teeth? Her hair is greasy and lank, and the fact that she can smell her own unpleasant odour probably spoke for itself. There's no response except another particularly hard gumming. It isn't until Amaya unlatches and opens her mouth that Kate realises she's stayed silent too long, and she starts humming tunelessly, her whole body on edge. That was another thing Amaya hated; silence. Amaya finds her nipple again and Kate breaths out, before humming again.
In the... how many days had it been... since Amaya had returned home, Kate found that she spent an awful amount of time narrating mundane routines. Perhaps it was growing up with the constant lull of Kate's reading in the womb, and the incessant noise of the hospital that had brought this on. Whether it actually worked or not, Kate didn't know. At first she'd felt as if she was going mad, talking to herself. But it's long passed habit now, and Kate stops humming and resumes talking to Amaya, or maybe to herself, her voice sweet even though the words aren't.
"You know Boxer calls me impatient, but I think you win that one. Demanding. But you know, you wouldn't be this hungry and miserable all the time if you just ate and slept." Amaya growls softly, still feeding, but Kate shakes her head. "Hey, Little One? You know if you slept more than ten seconds at a time and ate some more, you'd be fine. Want to keep eating? Keep gumming at me with your razor gums? Hey?" Kate contemplates putting on music instead, but the only CDs she has are her own, not baby music.
"Nope, you can deal with me talking for a bit, because if I have to hear that bloody teddy in your room play Twinkle Twinkle one more time..." She doesn't finish the sentence. Like a klaxon announcing End of Days, Amaya unlatches and immediately begins to cry. Well, cry is a relative term. Amaya's volume seemed to go straight to 100. Kate fumbles for a moment, rising once more and trying to rock her gently side to side, but she thrashes in Kate's arms. And, God, her voice at the moment is worthy of a Play-School presenter, not a Navy Lieutenant. "Oh, no, I didn't mean that. I love Twinkle Twinkle. And I love you. But please I don't know what's making you so upset!"
Kate had consulted all the books, read more than she wanted to about constipation and wind and bloat and hair tourniquets and all these other terrible things. She'd even read them aloud to the baby, perhaps to try and provide her daughter with scientific evidence to prove there was nothing wrong with her. Or perhaps because she's running out of kind words for the baby. "Oh, Shrimp, you're not sleeping because you're hungry. Do you not get that? Just... try again. Please." Kate tries to get her to latch again but Amaya bellows even louder. Kate looks around desperately and spies some stuffed toys. "Look, you want Homer? Or Magnetic? No. What about... urgh, do you want some wine, because I sure do?" Kate feels as though she has done laps of this house, trying everything in turn - laying on the playmat, toys, no toys, some toys, wrapped, unwrapped. Her nappy is dry, she doesn't feel warm or cool, and someone is knocking on Kate's door once again.
Kate tugs her shirt back on, knowing Amaya won't feed anymore. "Go away!" Kate calls over her shoulder, scooping up Amaya from the rocker which (surprise surprise) she'd also refused. Kate sits her back on the playmat and perches herself next to Amaya, on her knees and sinking her face into her hands. She's so tired. "Please, Amaya! You have my full attention. I'm listening. But I don't know what you want!"
Perhaps all she wants to do is scream. Perhaps this is all she'll ever do. Perhaps Kate has made a defective baby, who'll scream from now. Stupidly, bizarrely, Kate pictures a grown woman, screaming on her wedding day while a desperate Kate tries still to console her.
"Do you want your bloody Twinkle Twinkle? I'll go get it. We love the Twinkle Teddy, don't we?" Kate grabs the damned thing and squeezes its bloody ear, the damned American voiced kid beginning to sing, but Amaya is past responding, past reason, and shrieks some more. I wish I'd had the abortion. The thought pops through Kate's head before she can squash it down, and Kate feels a lurch in her stomach, because she loves Amaya, loves her. Wouldn't wish her away for anything in the world. "Hey, come on, Amaya. I didn't mean that. I love you so much. Come on. Shall we try the rocker again?" The rocker had been where Kate had the most success with sleep, if indeed you could count those pitiful recess breaks as sleep, but Amaya thrashes so much Kate can't even do the buckles up, and so Kate sets her once more on the playmat and scoots herself back, presses herself into the corner and hugs her body tight. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Amaya." She's pressing so hard against her eyes with the palm of her hand that she's seeing flashes of colour, a psychedelic music video to Amaya's screams and she just needs quiet...
Kate doesn't register the other person in the room until Amaya's cry shifts direction, and Kate looks up to see Heidi scoop Amaya easily in one arm and settle her against her chest. "Heidi?" Kate wonders for a moment if she's hallucinating. Then Heidi speaks, and Kate realises that she is really there.
"Geez, Kate. I told you to call if things got crazy!" She tugs at the blinds and Kate is blinded by the sudden light in the lounge room. Kate had no idea before if it was day or night, but now she finds herself panicking.
"Leave the blinds. She needs to sleep. She needs the darkness."
"She's not sleeping right now, Kate." Heidi opens one window, another. The sound seems to startle Amaya from her screetching and a cool breeze hits Kate's face. She closes her eyes for a moment, enjoying the air on her face. "But you need to. Go rest."
Kate doesn't move. With Heidi standing above her, she feels like a child sent to time out. Like a failure. And - Kate feels like crying already - Amaya's cries are quietening. Heidi moves around the place, opening blinds and windows, so that a cross-breeze cools the room. "How did you get into my house?" Kate questions, flushing as she realises just how messy her place has become. Even though that's not really the issue at hand.
"You gave me a key the last time I was here in case of emergencies." Heidi points out. Kate tries and fails to remember this.
"This... it isn't an emerg-"
"Tony and I have been knocking at the door two days in a row and you haven't answered, Amaya's been crying all hours of the night, the house has been locked up and dark for 72 hours, it smells like Satan's arsehole and you're about to pass out from exhaustion. So this is an emergency. She won't settle when you're wound tight as a spring." Heidi absentmindedly pats Amaya on the bottom as she speaks, with all the ease and practice that Kate so desperately lacks. Kate looks away, biting her lip so as not to burst into tears. "Libby and Boxer and the Olinskys called me. Said they're worried about you. That you haven't answered your mobile."
Kate turns back to the room, with blankets and clothes and toys everywhere. "It's... it's here somewhere." Kate can't bring herself to care about a phone.
"And your home phone?" Heidi challenges.
Kate doesn't answer, trying to remember when she'd last paid a bill. Before Amaya was born, probably. Realising it's probably been cut off, Kate puts that in the problem-for-another-day bucket and stands, holding her arms out for her daughter. "Look, this... I'm fine. Just... let me get her in her cot and then-"
Heidi shakes her head sadly. "Look, Kate, let me take her for a bit. You're run off your feet. You're not coping or fine or whatever other words you want to throw at me." Heidi lowers her voice. "Kate, I'm not here to be a bitch or... or question your abilities." Kate bites her lip again. Digs her nails into her skin. What abilities, she wants to protest. She had none. Heidi sees right through her. "When did you last eat something?"
"I don't know. What day is it?!" Even to Kate's own ears, she sounds hysterical. Kate feels like crying as she glances at Amaya. She's asleep in Heidi's arms, and Kate fights the urge to either shout the little bitch or thank fuck. She does neither. She digs her nails further into her shirt. Realises too late that it's one that's old and baggy and holey and, looking down at her, Heidi can probably see her sore and defective tits.
"Kate, you're not a bad mother for accepting help." She holds out her free arm to touch Kate's cheek, but Kate pulls away, shaking her head.
"No, please don't touch me." She whimpers. Touch was never a thing to calm her in a crisis.
"Okay. I'm sorry." Heidi takes a few steps back respectfully, and for a moment Kate wills her to leave, run, take the screaming demon in her arms and take her away. But she loves Amaya so much, all Kate wants to do is hold her and apologise for her twisted, evil thoughts. "Kate, you can't look after her if you don't take a moment to yourself. Lean on your friends." A tear trickles down Kate's cheek. Heidi pretends she doesn't see, instead gently lowering Amaya into her rocker. The baby whimpers slightly, but doesn't wake, and it feels like another punch to the gut, even though Kate's glad Amaya is sleeping. Why can't I do that? "It's going to be okay. I'll stay with her. Why don't you have a shower? Wash your hair? And I'll make you something to eat." It's like she's dismissing Kate from her role of caring for her own daughter.
She has a shower, more on autopilot than any conscious thought. She pays no attention to the water temperature - after all, what does it matter? She doesn't perfectly tempered water, doesn't deserve to take her time. She tries not to examine her body, but it's hard as she washes herself. Her stomach is empty, flabby. Useless. She feels like, no matter how hard she scrubs, she can't erase the feeling that she's dirty, itchy, tainted. Her mind is just as chaotic as her body. She tries to lather her hair with conditioner instead of shampoo, and her fumbling fingers get caught in knots as she tries to comb them through her hair. She hasn't brushed it in so long, it's like it comes out in great clumps... like it's a wonder she has any hair left at all.
Her chest hurts when she tries to wrap a towel around herself, and she cries out before she can stop herself. All those years when she'd wished she'd had at least a little something more, and now she'd rather cut them off completely, keep cutting until she's no longer hurting.
Her scar is ugly. She'd long since sworn off men, but she can't help the thoughts that fill her head anyway. No man would ever want your body. Mike would never want your body.
She tries to bury the sobs in her towel as she sinks down to the ground, but a moment later she hears Heidi tap at the bathroom door. But she's beyond movement, and she thinks maybe she'll stay in this spot for the rest of her life, until she dies. And her sobs are pulling at her scar and she's struggling to breathe. A moment later, stupidly, she feels a warm wetness across her chest as her milk leaks, and Kate starts to cry even more. Because nothing is as she planned it.
"You're trying to do it all. But it's okay to accept help." Heidi's words wash over her as she sits at the table, her hands cupped around a warm cup of tea. While Kate was in the shower, Heidi had reheated one of the dishes Kate had made before Shrimp had been born and frozen. It tastes terrible, but Kate hasn't eaten in who-knows-how-long, and now it's almost gone. Amaya is still sleeping, her chest rising and falling, looking completely content and at peace with the world. Kate can't bear to look at her. Can't bear to look at Heidi either. Can't help but flush with shame as she recalls Heidi helping her up from the bathroom floor and dressing her like a child, or the fact that Heidi's already cleaned her kitchen up and is in the process of folding her washing.
"She'd be better off without me." Kate mutters darkly, scratching at a nick in the table. "Look at how quickly you settled her. I was stupid to think I could-" Kate's voice cracks.
Heidi's voice is soothing and calm, but Kate flinches as though she had shouted. "Kate, she settled with me because... because babies can sense stress. You're her mother, and she... she's picking up on the fact that you're exhausted. And if I'm guessing right from the sight of the room, you've probably run frantically from one thing to another trying to calm her." Kate looks away. Heidi was right.
"I can't do this." Kate murmurs. "She spent too long in the hospital and now she hates me. She just cries and cries and... and I don't know her. I don't know what she wants."
Heidi folds the last of Kate's clothing and settles herself on the chair opposite. A moment later, Kate reluctantly looks up. "Have you called the doctor? Scheduled an appointment? Then you can talk all this through."
Kate lets out a humourless laugh and gestures around. "I can't find my fucking phone, Heidi. I'm useless." Kate hugs her hands around her middle. She wants to rage and scream, to shut Heidi out. Better to be the one that hurts, than the one to get hurt, right?
"Well, I found your phone. I plugged it in so it can charge." She gestures to the power point near the TV where her phone is, as promised, plugged in and charging. Kate feels no joy. Any moment now it would be as loud and angry as her daughter, full of ones-and-zero messages from people all questioning whether she could do this. The Olinskys had known that Kate would be useless. That's why they'd fought so hard to have Kate move back to Sydney. Easier for them when the next McGregor left her daughter. Libby had questioned Kate, had been resolved to sacrifice her own promising career to take over from Kate. And Boxer... he'd offered to marry her for God's sake. "Kate, there is no shame in you needing help. I would rather spend a few hours here and help out or even just talk than see you run yourself into the ground. This is all new to you and motherhood is messy and some days just full of guessing and self doubt. Kate, they say it takes a village and they're not kidding. I had Dale at home, and my parents and I still felt overwhelmed"
Kate feels tears prickling at the corners of her eyes again. "So, what? I'm supposed to chuck her off to the next available body just because I want to wash my hair? No, I can't! I don't want Amaya to think she's not enough for me. I don't want her to resent me for needing anyone else but her."
Heidi frowns. "But why would she feel like that? Kate-"
"Why not? I wasn't enough for my mother! Why else would she take off? I'm not having Amaya feeling like that!" The words tumble from Kate's mouth before she can stop them.
"Kate, that's not what you're doing!"
"No, it is. You don't know, Heidi." Kate gestures to Amaya. "I can't even feed her! My body can't do what basic biology dictates - it couldn't even keep her inside of me. And now I can't get her to sleep and I can't feed her and-"
"Okay." Heidi sighs. "Are you still having trouble breastfeeding her?"
"She cries and... and it hurts and-" Kate wants to rip apart her stitches and bleed everywhere, and then maybe Heidi will understand how she feels. Every single cell in Kate's body is telling her that she should be able to do this.
"So you know what you need to do?"
"So help me, if you say breathe or let it happen naturally or anything that bloody woman told me-"
"No! You need to stop forcing your body. If you're stressed and she's stressed, then nothing is going to work. Kate, just give her formula."
"No, but that woman said-"
"Fuck what that woman says! Kate, would you rather have a stressed out and underfed baby, or have her happy? So many of these people - and I say people because it's not always woman - they want to harp on about how formula is the worst thing in the world. But it's not. They're full of shit. Of course it's not the same as breastmilk, but in the end baby is getting the nutrients they need, and you don't send yourself crazy! There's nothing wrong with formula!"
Kate shakes her head, unable to accept it. "No! I just... I must be doing something wrong or... or not trying hard enough."
"You reckon? I couldn't." Heidi admits unashamedly. "I struggled for weeks with Ellie, thinking that because I'd been able to with Tony, so I should be able to with Ellie. I was so upset and guilt-ridden I thought Ellie would be better off without me. I got myself into such a state that... that Dale found me in the bathroom holding a packet of sleeping pills." Kate's eyes widen, but although Heidi looks upset, there's no hint of shame. "He found me in time. But I know how you're feeling." Kate looks away, and Heidi persists. "Do you think any less of me, knowing I was postnatally depressed and unable to feed Ellie?"
"Of course not."
"Then award yourself the same kindness." She concludes. But kindness is something else she'd never gotten used to allowing herself. Oh, she'd respected her own achievements. But kindness in her shortcomings was nothing she'd ever given herself. "Have you got formula here?" Heidi asks, her voice softer now. But Kate still can't look her in the eye, because it still feels like admitting defeat. "There's some in the cupboard above the fridge." She admits.
"Okay." Heidi nods.
"I just... nothing I do seems to work. She hates the quiet but I can't keep narrating everything and I can't keep listening to Twinkle Twinkle over and over."
"Well, what did you listen to when you were pregnant?"
"My music. But I can't-"
Heidi throws her hands in the air unashamedly. "Why not?! I do. My kids are raised on the stuff I like! No Wiggles in this house hold. My kids are raised on boy bands and pop."
Kate snorts with laughter and gestures to the spot where her CD collection sits. "Go see how you think she'd like that." Kate invites, twisting around to watch as Heidi, frowning curiously, follows her pointing. Moving closer to the CDs, Heidi snorts with laughter. "Geez, Patti Smith, The Clash, The Clash, Rolling Stones, more Clash, Sex Pistols-"
"Point is, the music I like isn't exactly on par with Mary had a Little Lamb."
"What's the harm in trying?" Heidi's still flicking through the CDs, grinning in amusement. "I'm not saying, you know, blast it at three in the morning..."
"Really?!" Kate snorts sarcastically, before looking back at Amaya. "She always used to... to move around in my belly when I played Rolling Stones." Heidi concludes her examination of Kate's CDs and moves to sit back down opposite Kate.
"It helps to talk to people. It also helps to get out. Being in the house with a crying baby... it can get you down. Too in your own head."
Kate looks to the pram that she's never taken outside. "This fear... it's like I'm going to be sick all the time. Out there... there's all things that can hurt her. Germs and... and people and cars and the sun. And in here... there's me. I'm so scared all the time. She's so little and... and so fragile. I don't want anything or anyone to hurt her."
"I know." Heidi nods. "Believe me... one minute I had a tiny baby. Now I've got a skateboarding daredevil who likes to play with power tools." At this, Kate laughs, though it's a watery laugh, punctuated as Amaya lets out a squawk and begins to wake. "Why don't we try the formula? Just give it a try?" Kate knows that, if she says no, Heidi won't force the issue. Kate nods and goes to pick up Amaya while Heidi moves to the kitchen. Kate is still tentative, she won't lie. But she's able to breathe just a little easier as she knows that she's not alone.
"Hey, Shrimp." Kate smiles sadly, pressing a kiss to Amaya's forehead. She's that sleepy sort of warm that comes from a toasty nap, and Kate breathes in her purely Amaya scent. "I'm sorry, baby." Amaya mewls, a tiny fist reaching out to clasp at Kate's hair once more before letting go, presumably as it's still wet, and Kate laughs as Amaya frowns, unfamiliar with the feeling. Her little fist opens and closes several move times experimentally, before her mouth opens in a perfect 'O'. "Does it feel a bit different? Probably won't be as knotty when it dries either." Heidi returns with a bottle and Kate automatically moves to give her Amaya, ready to bow down to the expert, but Heidi holds out the bottle instead.
"You try."
Kate's eyes widen like she's just been given a live bomb. "Oh, I can't-"
"Yes, you can. I'm here. Go on." Kate tentatively moves the bottle towards Amaya. "Yep, just gentle. Don't force it. Just let her come to it. Maybe put it on the corner of her mouth- that's it." It takes Amaya a moment, but then she begins to suck. Her eyes screw up a little, frowning at the unfamiliar taste, but then she begins, finally, to eat. She's tentative at first, stopping every so often and moving her tongue with an expression akin to someone sampling wine and every minute, Kate expects Amaya to protest, sure that this is not going to work. But then she settles.
"Thank you." Kate sags into the lounge, careful not to jostle baby or bottle.
"When she's fed, I'll show you how to make them. But first, I want you to let me take her for a bit. I'll stay here. And you sleep."
"Oh, I can't ask you to-"
"You're not. I'm bossy. And insisting."
Kate sleeps for four hours - not what a civilian under the circumstances might call a lot - but much more than she's had in a long time, and she feels better for it. There's no sudden jolting awake at Amaya's cry, and she finds she's much more rested when she's able to wake with her own body's cycle rather than her baby's. She gets up and she heads to the lounge room to see that Heidi has tidied up properly, a fresh breeze coming in the open windows, and Amaya is on her tummy on her playmat, Heidi next to her. Heidi's singing a song Kate vaguely recognises as belonging to some boy band that Libby liked, but looks up as Kate enters the room. "Hey," She smiles as Kate lowers herself to the carpet too, resting on her stomach so that she's facing Amaya and Heidi. "How are you feeling?"
Kate considers for a moment. "Better." She decides on. She's still tired, still doubting herself and still terrified as all hell. And it was hard to let go of the guilt she felt at not being able to feed her. But Heidi was right; it had felt better to voice her fears and talk. "How was she?"
"She was fine. Had a bit of a spit-up and seemed to take extreme offence to that purple monkey toy over there-" Heidi points to a stuffed toy by the door, "-but aside from that, she's been great. Oh, and enough gas to launch herself into orbit. No movement at the station, but I think something's on its way."
"Yeah, it's her favourite pasttime." Kate quips, making her hand walk like a spider towards Amaya and back again, the baby responding with the waving of a fist. "I knew that... that there was no manual for motherhood. No instructions. But I thought... if I did my research... if I made plans. I mean, I'm used to staying up all night on patrol and... and dealing with the unpredictable. I thought at the very least, it couldn't, wouldn't be as hard as everyone makes out. But when she... she won't stop. I just... I feel like I should know what's wrong with her. I should be able to fix it. Help her."
"Sometimes helping her means... helping yourself. Letting people look out for you."
"Yeah." Kate sighs. "I'm not too good with that. I never really... not until recently."
They lapse into silence for a while, both just watching Amaya as she waved her hands about. Occasionally, one of them would move their hands, tickling Amaya, or else rattling or shaking one of the sensory cubes Libby had bought her. After a while Heidi asks, "Did you want to tell me about your mother?"
Kate chews on the question for another minute or so, considering. She didn't want to talk about her, per se. But in the same way she hadn't wanted to talk about her shortcomings with motherhood. Kate smiles sadly. "Not much to tell, really. You know, she was okay for a while. She loved to dress me up and take me places. But I don't think she ever wanted a daughter. She wanted a doll, you know? I was an accessory. And when I was young I liked when she'd... she'd buy me all these dresses I didn't know we couldn't afford. But, I never really liked it. Just the attention she gave me because of it, you know? I liked pleasing her. But me, I'd have been more comfortable in jeans or... or playing soccer. It used to be the odd sharp rap on the hand if I took my plaits out or got grass stains on my dress. Then it was a slap if she found out I played with boys instead of girls. And I got older... asserted myself more... and she didn't like that."
Kate picks up one of Amaya's toys, fiddling with the textured fabric. "I didn't know she was an alcoholic. Not when I was a kid. Not consciously. But when I stopped being her doll... she started drinking more. She lost her job, we had to move to some shithole town. And that was my fault. After that... she needed people around her to tell her she was beautiful or want her but... she didn't need me. I wouldn't tell her she was pretty and she couldn't live through me, so she turned to men. She'd meet some guy and he'd move in. Or else she'd disappear for a few days... sometimes weeks. I'd have to make do with whatever was in the house to eat... to fend for myself. Sometimes the electricity would get turned off or... or the guys would stick around cos they needed a couple of punching bags. She left for good while I was in high school. Just walked out and never came back."
"That must have been tough on you."
"Yeah, by that point, I'd pretty much given up on the fairy tale of motherly love. Of love in general, actually." Kate lets out a humourless laugh as she remembers something, and she ticks a point off on her finger. "My mother used to tell me two things. It was that men... they love what you can give them. Not what you are." Kate ticks a second point off on her finger. "And to keep my legs shut. Because pregnancy was a family curse."
Kate glances at where Amaya is, kicking her legs happily, such a different child. "God, I was religious about my birth control. I never missed a dose since I was fifteen. Never. And I still..." Kate glances at Amaya. "I look at her, and I can't... I can't regret what happened. I love her so much it hurts. But my grandmother kicked my mother out when she got pregnant with me. My mother abandoned me. Pregnancy might be in my DNA but... motherhood sure isn't." Amaya clutches at Kate's fingers, tugging it to her mouth to gum on it. "You know, she wrote me a letter. Wanting to explain. Wanting forgiveness. She wants to be in my life now. The Olinskys put her through rehab and... and kept in touch. She wants to be in my life. Our life."
"What do you think about that?"
Kate scoffs. "Until I got pregnant, I rarely thought of her at all. And now... it's like she's messing with my head all over again. She'd always come back... always beg for forgiveness and promise me everything would be better this time. Until I stopped believing that too. If I let her back in... if I believe her again... I'm just that same ten-year-old kid." Kate exhales, absentmindedly picking up Homer Shrimpson and dancing him along the playmat towards Amaya. She coos excitedly, much more content now that she's fed. Kate wonders whether Donna had ever loved her, or just the idea of her. What Kate could give her. "It sounds stupid. I know I should be the bigger person. Forgive and forget and all that-"
"Not if you don't want to." Heidi cuts in quickly. "You don't have to speak to her ever again if you don't want to. It just depends on what you want to do. You don't owe her anything."
Kate absorbs the words solemnly, nodding softly. "Thanks." Kate drags a hand through her hair. It feels soft and clean, but it's still tangled from her lack of brushing. "I feel like I should be paying you psychologist's earnings."
"I took payment in two of your Golden Gaytimes from the freezer. There are a few in there."
"It was one of my cravings. I grabbed a lot at the servo and... haven't really eaten them since." Kate turns to Amaya. "She's a lot happier now that she's fed properly. I should have..." It's so easily to lose herself in should haves and could haves so Kate takes a breath and starts again. "Thanks for... for making sure I know it's okay not to be okay sometimes."
"Anytime." Heidi smiles softly. The next moment, Amaya lets out a loud, wet sound that's immediately followed by a pungent smell. "But that one's a Mummy nappy, I think."
Kate laughs. Properly laughs, as she pulls herself to her feet and scoops up her daughter. "Come on, Stinky."
"Hey, Kate!" Heidi calls as she sits up. "I just thought of something."
"Yeah?" Kate frowns, stilling in her movements. Wary after many instances, Kate his holding Amaya slightly away from her body. "What's up?"
"If your mother is right..." Heidi begins, mentally calculating, "...you could be a grandmother within the next twenty-odd years."
"Fuck off!" Kate exclaims, Heidi's laughter following her as she leaves the room.
Kate's breasts are uncomfortably tight and swollen, and it's enough for Kate to get over her initial disgust at Heidi's suggestion of cabbage leave compresses ("What? Why stop there? I could chuck some tomatoes and dressing and that's dinner sorted!"). Amaya protests feeding from Kate's breast entirely, so Kate offers her a bottle. Amaya bats it away furiously, but quietens as Kate puts on music. Kate, once again taking Heidi's advice, had put on her own music, although it was extremely low, because for some reason Kate felt as though letting her baby listen to The Clash was somehow more damning than Shrimp's screams. But Amaya's content enough, albeit a little grizzly and offering her the bottle ten minutes later proves successful.
"I'm sorry, Shrimp." Kate murmurs, brushing a thumb against Amaya's cheek as she feeds. "I've been getting so worked up. Worrying about my mother and... and what the books say. But I'm going to try, okay? We can figure this out, you and me, right?" There's a great whoosh from the bottle as Amaya takes a great restorative breath, and Kate half-expects Amaya to start shrieking. But the baby latches back onto the bottle and continues. "Yeah, we can do it. I'm sorry I yelled at you. I just thought I could get this right from the start if I did enough research."
It's not as if Heidi's visit was a magic fix. Amaya still protests as Kate changes her, kicking her legs so that the process takes twice as long as it normally would and then, just as Kate has slid the fresh nappy under her bottom, deciding to pee everywhere.
"Classy, kid. Classy." Kate mutters, wiping at her arm with a wet wipe before returning to the change. Amaya, for her part, seems quite chuffed with herself, waving her hands in the air. She absolutely refuses to return to her playmat though, so Kate swaddles her and holds her in her arms as she rinses Amaya's bottle.
The baby doesn't look ready to sleep, but she's content to lie, snug and secure, in Kate's arms as Kate picks up the mobile phone she's so neglected and dials, leaning back into the lounge while her free hand rubs slow circles on Amaya's back. "I'm not going to put it on loud speaker, okay? She'll burst your ear drum."
Libby answers on the first ring, her voice high and panicked. "I'm so glad you called! I've been about ready to go AWOL and make sure you're okay. Are you alright, Kate?"
Amaya's wide eyed and curious as she looks up at Kate. "I wasn't, Lib. But we will be."
