CHAPTER NINE


"Sikowitz!" Cat snapped as a ball whizzed past her face. "That almost hit me!"

"You were in my way," Sikowitz said.

"You saw me before you threw it," she said, stepping into the room as the bell rang.

"Who has their cell phone on?"

"It's the bell."

"Drake Bell?"

"Ew. God, no."

"Why are you in my class?"

"I came to drop off Zoey's sensory ball."

"Who's the hottie?" A male student asked as he walked in, letting his hand brush against Cat's butt.

Cat raised an eyebrow and looked at him. "If you ever touch my ass again I'll chop off your grubby little hands."

"Woah, you're-"

"Mommy!" Zoey said, hugging Cat when she saw her. "Why are you here?"

"You left your ball at home," Cat said, pulling a squishy ball out of her purse and handing it to her daughter.

"You're her mother?" One of the popular girls asked.

"I am."

"We should hang out sometime, Zo."

"No thanks," Zoey said, sitting in her seat.

"What? I'm popular."

"So am I. The school knows who you are, but the world knows who I am. I don't need fake friends."

"You've raised a good one," Sikowitz whispered to Cat.

Cat smiled and nodded. "I know," she whispered back.


"Hi, Wendy," Cat said as she walked into her therapist's office, immediately grabbing a fidget toy before plopping down on the couch haphazardly.

"Hello Cat, how are you doing today?" Wendy asked.

"Pretty good, considering I was molested by a child today."

"What?"

"I went to Zoey's school to drop off her stress ball and some little asshole touched my ass."

"Was anything done about it?"

"Yeah, I told him off."

"And what did this telling off include?"

"...I might have threatened to chop off his hands."

"You can't do that."

"Well I did," Cat said, looking at Wendy. "I don't care how old he is, minor or not, he was inappropriate and he knew better. It's sexual harassment. I've been through enough of that, I'm not gonna let the little things slide until they become the big things. I refuse to be a victim again."

Wendy sighed. "I understand you feel that you need to defend yourself against everything, but-"

"Because I do," she interrupted. "I let my rapist get away with the little stuff, thinking if he got that tiny bit of satisfaction he'd leave me alone. He ended up raping me, and look where I am - back in fucking therapy. And I'm damn sure not gonna let anyone try it with my daughter."

"Is Zoey saying someone is trying something with her?"

"No, but if he'll do it to me, he'll do it to anyone. It's a red flag."

"I think you shouldn't worry about it happening to Zoey unless she's showing signs of it. Is she showing signs that she's being abused in any way?"

"No. Doesn't mean nothing is happening. I mean, she's fourteen now, what if she's doing things?"

"Do you feel like she might be doing things?"

"I dunno. She's too smart for her own good."

"Have you asked her?"

"No. I don't want to accuse her of anything. If I do that, she might just... shut down and not tell me anything anymore. She's fourteen, yanno? She's at that age where she might be experimenting with someone. I was twelve when I started messing around and I had her when I was still in high school... It just scares me."

"Maybe you should talk to her about it."

"And if it backfires and she stops telling me about what she's going through? That's my worst nightmare."

"It's your decision, Cat."

Cat sighed, twirling a piece of hair around her finger. "I don't like being the decision maker. Is it too late to revoke my responsibilities? That sounds good right about now. Maybe someone can make a time machine and I can go back in time, not get pregnant, and I wouldn't be worrying about this."

"That would mean you wouldn't have Zoey. Is that what you want?"

"No... never. She's my world. So is Shelby. I'd never wish they were never born. I just wish it was under different circumstances. That I was older when I had Zoey, that it was consensual when I got pregnant with Shelby. That I never had the miscarriage between them..." Cat said as her voice got softer.

"Do you think about the miscarriage a lot?"

Cat nodded. "Yeah. Every time my period is heavier than usual, that's where my head goes. What if I'm bleeding so much because my body's rejecting a baby? What if I'm clotting so much and that's actually my baby passing through my body? It terrifies me. That was the first baby I wanted. The only baby I wanted... That I tried for, anyways."

"It's completely normal and natural to have those types of thoughts and feelings. It was a traumatic experience for you."

"It was... I was depressed for months. That's why Daniel and I broke up. I was too shattered to try being a girlfriend, and he needed more than I could give him. I wouldn't let him help me. He tried. But he eventually said that we needed some time apart, and after a few weeks, we broke up... which shattered me even more."

"Do you miss Daniel?"

Cat nodded. "Yeah, I guess so in a way. We weren't just a couple, we were friends. We had some really good, fun memories. I hate that they're memories. I miss what we had."

"And what does that mean for you and your fiance?"

"Nothing. I love Robbie."

"Well, you said you miss what you and Daniel had. That sounds like you want it back."

"I mean... I guess part of me does, but... if Daniel and I hadn't broken up, I wouldn't even be with Robbie right now. I'd never change that. Ever."

"So you're confident in your relationship right now?"

Cat nodded. "Yeah. I don't know what I'd do without Robbie."

"Did you ever see yourself marrying Daniel?"

Cat thought for a few seconds. "I suppose if we stayed together, then yeah. I could see us being married by now. He is married. He has a wonderful wife, they have a beautiful little girl together. Zoey gained a bonus mom. I'm happy for them, she treats Zoey like she's her own, and we actually get along really well."

"If you and Daniel stayed together, none of that would be possible."

"I know. I'm happy for them. They're happy, they love each other. We include each other in family events and stuff. We're all a big, happy family."

"Are you happy?"

"Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?"

"You just seem to be having ups and downs lately."

"Well, if you were me and going through all the shit I've gone through, wouldn't you have ups and downs? You can't only have ups."

"Do you tell yourself what?"

"Tell myself what?"

"When you get depressed, do you tell yourself that you can't only have ups?"

"No, I guess not... I don't really think of anything when I'm depressed. It numbs my mind."

"How are you doing with your meds?"

"Good. I only take them when I'm feeling some type of way."

"Cat... you're supposed to take one every day."

"Well, I'm not depressed everyday."

"That's not how it works and you know it. Start taking it. Once a day. Every day, not just some days."

"They're huge, though! They're horse pills, I swear to god they're thicker than my throat. It's like swallowing a toe."

"How do you know what a toe feels like in your throat?"

Cat scrunched her nose. "Don't be gross, you nasty..."