I wish Jean were here.
Jean had been assigned to the group accompanying Captain Levi to Wall Rose. He was already outside the capital by the time Marco had his security escort assigned and been given permission to wander the grounds of Military Police Headquarters at his leisure. It would've been nice for his best friend to be around to talk to.
Brief visitations had been allowed – Conny and Christa coming by the previous week with false signs of cheerfulness. The subjects of whatever medical condition had befallen Ymir, and details about everything that had happened with the Titans south of Sina, had been skirted around in a blatant manner.
Interrogating the pair had been one of the attempts Marco, Eren, Armin, and Mikasa had made to extract information. Every person they'd spoken to, and every attempt they'd made to catch glimpses at certain case files, had been unsuccessful. Even Section Commander Hange, who Marco felt he had a fairly good relationship with, would quickly change the topic and failed to look him in the eyes when the subject matters had been brought up.
The others may not have shared his sentiment, but Marco felt that there had to be a good reason for being kept in the dark.
The two of you … Marco had thought, his smile having grown less forced when he'd regarded Conny and Christa. … are terrible liars. This act you're putting on is to keep me from worrying.
Body language had been enough to give away their true feelings. Christa's head would snap up anytime the door to the canteen swung open as if she had hoped a certain someone would stroll in with her head held high and a smirk.
If Christa had been jumpy, Conny had been anything but.
Marco had got the impression his friend had been looking right through him. Conny only showed signs of being present when the subject of Marco's parents coming for a brief visit had come up. His features had been washed in anguish for a moment before the hollow nature behind his eyes had returned. Although Marco didn't know much, he was aware the Titans within the wall had been spotted around the area Conny grew up. It had pained him knowing that all he could do was grip Conny's shoulder when he'd wished him well. When they'd parted ways, he'd made a request for Conny to visit again with Sasha when she returned to the Interior from a mission assignment. The absentminded nod Conny had given in return made it hard to tell if Marco's request even registered.
Reiner and Berthold had come calling not soon after.
They had been waiting in the stone courtyard, the pair rising from their seats along the fountain's edge when Marco had approached. Reiner's right arm had been in a sling, but it didn't stop him from clasping Marco's hand then pulling him into a half embrace. Marco had stood frozen, stunned.
"We heard what happened," Reiner had said. His hold on Marco's shoulder had tightened. "You acted as a true soldier; something precious could've been lost had you not stepped in."
It was an odd choice of words, but the doubt Marco had in his heart concerning his former squad mates melted away. They'd shown genuine happiness to see him doing well, and had listened attentively to what little Marco was permitted to tell them. Berthold had asked if Annie was alright; Marco had parroted the answer which had come from a memo instead of his heart:
'Annie Leonheart was critically injured during a freak building collapse in Stohess. It's uncertain if she'll pull through.'
The statement had left Reiner and Berthold looking more thoughtful than upset. Something about it had caused a squirm in Marco's gut. The feeling had been pushed away.
"We'll visit again soon," Reiner had said. He and Berthold had begun to walk away before there'd been a pause to his step.
"Have they told you about Ymir?" Reiner had asked. He had turned his head, but not enough for his face to be fully visible.
"No," Marco had said. His expression had grown dour. "You were there with her along with the others, right? I know what Conny and Christa said about not being able to say anything … but I'd be grateful for whatever you can tell me. All of us here are worried about her."
Reiner had regarded Marco over his shoulder, eyes sharp.
"I can tell you Ymir isn't one of us."
The interaction had been over three days ago, yet the statement had struck a chord Marco couldn't understand. Those words … Marco got the impression whatever 'us' Reiner was talking about didn't include him, either.
"Huh."
Eren skewered a carrot with his fork, holding the vegetable up for a lazy inspection. "Having opinions like that about Reiner and Bertholdt … That's unlike you."
It was becoming commonplace for Eren and Marco to spend mealtimes together. Although Armin and Mikasa were being kept close at hand, their status as active-duty soldiers left them running various guard duties and assignments to make up for the sector of Military Police who left Sina to pick off any remaining Titans within Wall Rose. This left the pair only popping in occasionally to check in from day to day; Armin attempting to keep the mood light to counter Mikasa's comments of displeasure over the fact.
"You think so?" Marco said. His fork sank into a boiled potato until it split in half. "I guess it is. Sorry; I shouldn't be saying things like that."
Perhaps he was being too comfortable with Eren. Celine would've been the preferred confidant to his worries, but there was the matter of his sister finding herself preoccupied. She denied the fact as if Marco was blind to her staring into space and not taking in a word he said. He tried not to take it personally, but the fact Celine was obviously hiding something from him stung. It didn't help finding out she'd been involved with the plan to capture Annie and never said a word about it. There were the makings of Celine putting distance between the two of them again. He'd only recently been able to cross the divide she'd put between them for so many years; the notion of having to go through that a second time left him uneasy.
"… sorry."
"Huh?" Marco said, looking up in embarrassment. "Um … what was that?"
"I said you shouldn't be sorry," Eren said. He frowned as he watched Marco mash up the potato beneath his fork as if he already knew that Marco had no intention to actually eat it. "There's nothing wrong with speaking what's on your mind."
"Ah … right," Marco said. He went through the motion of acting as if the concerning thoughts about his sister could be pushed aside as easily as the food on his plate. "Reiner and Berthold … they're my comrades; my friends. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them saving my life in Trost. There's no reason for me to doubt them. Please, Eren – forget I said anything."
Eren sat back in his seat as he crossed his arms. "Look - you don't have to like everyone, Marco. I respect those two a lot, but they've always seemed content to keep to themselves. I can't imagine how frustrating that must've been for you trying to lead them in a squad."
Marco's eyes widened. He leaned forward in his seat.
"No!" Marco said. "No, not at all! The four of us worked together great!"
"But there was always that divide," Eren said. "Reiner and Berthold would do their own thing, and Annie would …" Something ugly crossed Eren's features. He seemed to note the dejected nature on Marco's face, quickly passing over the subject. "It must've been frustrating; I couldn't imagine being an outsider of my own squad like that."
"I–"
Eren's neutral expression didn't change as he watched Marco. It was like he was a teacher who knew Marco could give the correct answer to a question. He just had to be patient to allow Marco to reach the conclusion on his own.
"It was … a little lonely," Marco finally said. "I always felt there was some barrier between us I couldn't breach; something that set me apart from them. I suppose with Annie now I know what it was, but with Reiner and Berthold … it hurts that I don't know, and perhaps I never will."
"Maybe they don't like your face."
Marco raised his head, startled. "Is there … is there something wrong with my face?"
"No, that was just an example," Eren said, a smirk revealing his amusement from Marco's reaction. "I'm just saying the reason they keep you at arm's length could be for something as stupid as that. You can't always help how other people look at you; most of the time trying to change how they think about you isn't even worth it. I think it's easier to surround yourself with people who make it so you don't have to worry about that stuff. But for that to work, you have to show them the real you."
The fork in Marco's hand was set down as he sat up straight. "Do I come off as ingenuine?" he asked, his voice laced with concern.
"I think you're pretty understanding with others," Eren said. He put his elbow on the table, leaning his head into his hand as he used the other to gesture with his fork.
"You're not as understanding with yourself. As much as I hate to admit that horse-face is right about something, Jean's talked about you being the smartest person he knows. How you're smart isn't exactly the same way people like Armin or Commander Erwin are smart … but sometimes the two of them take 'people' out of the equation. They can see things tactically and form amazing strategies … there's just a level of compassion that gets lost along the way. Armin himself told me I needed to lose that part of me if I ever wanted to become strong enough to beat the enemy. Then he came to me and admitted he was wrong. He admitted he was wrong, because you had been right; we're still people. I'm still a person."
"Of course you're still a person!" Marco said, distressed over the idea Eren ever thought otherwise.
Eren's expression immediately brightened. "See; you say it like that, and I believe it's true. That's your gift – you have good judgment in character. And if your judgment is telling you something about someone, you should take it into consideration. Don't sell yourself short."
"Eren …"
Marco dropped his gaze. He smiled. "Thank you, Eren."
"Don't mention it," Eren said. He leaned forward to finish off the last of his lunch. "You've been doing just as much for me – there are so many things we're not being told … It's nice to have others around I can confide in without feeling like I don't know what they're thinking. I can put my faith in you; that goes a long way these days."
Marco picked up the fork off his plate. He scooped up the potatoes which by now had been thoroughly mashed via anxiety. Marco took a bite, keeping his eyes lowered in thought.
"Eren?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm … I'm supposed to meet with Annie in a few days," Marco said. The corner of his eye caught Eren's hand freeze halfway to his mouth.
"I know how you feel about her," Marco said. "I realize this is a selfish thing to ask … but it would help a lot for me not to have to walk through the underground tunnels leading to the prison alone. Section Commander Hange will be there, although there's something about the way she's been looking at me recently which makes me uneasy. She didn't used to regard me like that. Now, though … Ah! Sorry! I was just going on, and–"
"I'll go."
Marco raised his head. "Really?"
"Yeah," Eren said. His affirmation was delivered in the same sort of assured manner Marco always admired. He never tired of witnessing someone so sure of themselves.
"You're my friend and you're asking for my help," Eren said. "I don't see the escort arguing against it – it'll be underground, which is where they feel is safest for me to be, anyway. I'll even hang out and walk back with you."
Marco's smile turned sheepish. "That's alright – you don't have to do that."
"I'll wait," Eren said. He shrugged and went back to his meal. "It's not like I'll be doing much else. And I know you'd do the same for me; probably without having to ask, since you're nicer than I am."
"I wouldn't say that," Marco said with a chuckle.
