Chapter 14: Will We Face What We Have Chosen?

Misato was reluctant to raise herself up from her slumber after last night but brought her fingers to her eyelids to wipe the discharge that formed around her eyes. Shifting her head from side to side, she looked down her chest to see if she used a different blanket than she usually had. Such thoughts left her wondering about memory when she looked down to be reminded of Shinji once again slumbering on top of her.

The sight of him sleeping with a sense of complete content made Misato smile as she saw him in a state of bliss that she had rarely seen in Shinji. She could not help but think that he secretly desired to be in this position ever since the day he first lay eyes on her in person. Allowing herself to remember with the sort of snark that she teased him with for so long immediately made her feel guilty when she remembered just how seriously she was supposed to be approaching this subject even with things being as stable as they were.

Recalling the event from last night forced her to remember something she had to do right away. While she did not want to wake up Shinji, Misato lightly lifted him off her body and placed him on the mattress. Their juices having solidified against one another caused light pops to sound off before Misato pulled a blanket over Shinji to make sure he stayed warm.

Walking over to the small table, Misato found a package of pills waiting to be removed. She popped one out and swallowed it before opening to the door to make her way to the bathroom. Looking down she saw Pen Pen looked up at her as he tilted his head as his way of greeting her this morning.

Misato smirked when she asked herself, "I guess I shouldn't put off what I need to do in the morning should I?"

Misato took a fish out of the fridge and placed in in Pen Pen's bowl before making her way to the bathroom. With little else to worry about for the rest of the day, she was able to prepare a bath and clean herself at her leisure. Sunday was truly a blessed day for everyone who wanted to have time to themselves as it left Misato with the excuse that it gave Shinji more time to get up and prepare breakfast. She frowned when she realized the reasoning seemed to be more in her favor, especially when both she and Shinji were struggling to reconcile the mighty conflict their feelings formed from last night alone.

Submerging her body in the warm water and absentmindedly rubbing herself with a bar of soap left her to her thoughts about last night. Misato still struggled to imagine just what sort of thoughts were going through Shinji's head, only accepting that he was every bit as uncertain and confused as she was. It was an observation that continued to find its way back to her every time she even offered just a minor crack in the face of certainty she believed Shinji needed to be greeted with.

Continuing to philosophize and wonder about how right it was to press on with the great secret that she was hiding from everyone else left Misato accepting it would do nothing but delay meeting with him face to face again. The reluctance to accept that she would have to discover how much progress her recent date with Shinji was made and the fact that she was leaving the comfort of the warm water made it difficult for her to step out but managed to pull herself out and allow the water to drain. Drying herself off and preparing her clothes to face the rest of the day became the final preparations as she stepped out of her bathroom.

Making her way to the kitchen, Misato saw Shinji placing bowls of tamago toji for him and her. Waving her hand she greeted, "Good morning, Shinji."

Shinji looked up to welcome, "Good morning, Miss Misato."

Sitting down, Misato was prepared to look forward to what should have been a day off but knew there was one major obstacle in the way. There was no chance that Shinji was going to allow himself to be easy after mustering every fiber in his being to confront her over what she allowed to be a snag in a simple night out. She could not decide how much further Shinji should have been allowed to guess how severe the dive into the NERV conspiracy was, but that introduction was clearly not the first thing he had in mind.

Misato sipped a spoon of her tamago toji before breaking the silence, "Well other than a hiccup I sure enjoyed last night."

"You really don't want me to apologize?"

Misato sighed when Shinji changed the subject to being about another thing that made him feel he committed another egregious error. Just when it seemed as though she was steering far enough from making him despair over what he did wrong, he always seemed ready to find another thing to be critical about himself over. She had no idea how she managed to accept the sort of flaws Shinji so willingly accepted as part of himself but remembered it was the sort of luggage she was taking on the day she first decided to bring him into her life.

Determined to bring out even just a little self confidence in him, Misato corrected, "You really shouldn't try to apologize for everything. Especially when you're just asking for what a real man deserves after three dates."

Shinji reeled back at the last comment when he heard the added comment of Misato's answer before he managed, "I'm… what?"

Misato bit her lip when she realized what sort of expectation she was setting up for him. She rushed to find the first answer she could think of before asking, "Uh… bad choice of words?"

The answer was enough to make Shinji ease his initial concerns but remained uneasy when it came to understanding what Misato's idea for a progression of a relationship should have been. He swallowed as he tried to prepare himself, "So that's what happens after three dates?"

Misato found herself being relieved when it seemed to be a perfect opportunity for her to change the subject to admit, "Well I've had a few boyfriends I just skipped to that part with, but the point still stands."

"Were they all just better than me?"

"Not even close. Just think of those extra dates as a way for me to make sure that you were serious about this."

"I wish I could have made it seem like I was happy to be with you."

"Just the fact that we're not in a quivering mess trying to make sense of what's going on is a big step up I think."

Before either of them had a chance to question their prior night, Misato heard her phone ringing. Shinji focused on his breakfast accepting that Misato had business to attend to whether it was from NERV or whoever her friend from last night was. Such a complaint was one of the last things on his mind however as he allowed himself to have a brief reprieve from what for all he knew was simply another powder keg waiting to explode someday.

That eruption was delayed however as Misato made her way to the phone and picked it up to welcome, "Hello?" Shinji's curiosity was answered when he saw Misato nod and add, "Okay, we'll be there in a little bit." Misato hung up her phone before turning to Shinji and telling him, "It's Rei. Just like we were told."

"When did you…" Shinji cut himself off when he realized the mistake he was making in questioning the origin of Rei's reintroduction. It was not so long before that Shinji had already learned of how Rei was seemingly brought back from the dead as he was told by Kensuke. The greatest mistake Shinji could allow in this moment was offer a window of curiosity into how Kensuke managed to learn such information in the first place, let alone how he was able to discover it.

Misato attempted to reach for this opening when she asked, "What's wrong?"

Shaking his head in hopes to dismiss the issue, "I was… trying to remember when you found out about Rei. You already found out from Ritsuko right?"

Without an incentive to pry any further, Misato accepted what seemed to be a slip of Shinji's memory and clarified, "Yeah. Like I said out at the piers. We get a chance to meet who's probably going to be our new pilot probably."

Shinji took a spoonful of his tamago toji before admitting the surreal nature of such a meeting, "Yeah. This is gonna be different."


It was not long after Shinji and Misato finished breakfast that they dressed and made their way out for the hospital. Sure as his battle against the Angels were the greatest struggles he ever imagined, Shinji struggled to keep himself from panicking over the girl he would have once been ecstatic to hear of being alive. Much like being told days prior about what would occur on his birthday however, what little surprise there might have been before was taken away when he already knew what he was about to be presented with.

Such indifference conjured up a familiar sense of dread that left Shinji to question just how much he had come to value one person over another in what seemed to be a shorter span of time. He knew Rei and Misato for the same frame of time, but circumstances and what seemed to be societal norms made him believe his current relationship would have gone in a much different direction than where he was now. It was not only a situation he was being asked to come to terms with right this instant but another roadblock he would have to answer in this never-ending series of challenges to his claim for happiness.

As though he needed a reminder of how serious this meeting would be, he heard Kensuke greet, "Shinji. Ms. Katsuragi. You got the news?"

Shinji was absentmindedly listening to the announcements through the hallways while Misato greeted, "We sure did. I take it you were excited to find out about her too?"

Kensuke confirmed, "Yeah… It's pretty incredible she's still alive. I want to make sure that she's not going through amnesia or anything."

Shinji kept his attention down the halls in front of him when he allowed Kensuke to introduce his presence further. He had already slipped once earlier today and did not want to risk offering input on what could have exposed him further. He wondered if Kensuke was having the same problem when he had so much more to hide from Misato than he did.

He realized he would not be kept out of the danger when he heard Misato tell him, "Shinji, Kensuke is here."

"Uh, oh…" Turning around to see his friend making his way behind him, Shinji was thankful he had an excuse to focus on a different subject and ask, "Hi Kensuke. What's the cat?"

Kensuke looked down at the Russian Blue cat in his arms, "Well it's a… pretty crazy idea, but there's this idea people have called therapy animals. I figured maybe Ayanami would feel a bit better if she had a familiar friend like this one to greet her."

Misato looked at the lazing feline and asked, "Really? Is the cat hers?"

Kensuke looked down at the cat while correcting, "Well, it was our… date together. This one just seemed to like her."

The explanation was enough to keep Misato from believing there was anything suspicious, only fascinated that she did not know that such a development happened despite his recent arrival. Considering how she was handling everything, she decided she should not have been surprised that Shinji ultimately allowed one of his friends and new fellow pilots to be so sociable to Rei herself. The fact that Shinji was ultimately willing to let her go and seem to accept that he could not pursue every girl he had even a little interest in.

For Shinji, the explanation provided him a sense of security but caused him to feel a weight drop in his stomach at how he managed to accomplish getting to this point. It seemed that both Asuka Soryu and Rei Ayanami both had to pay the price when he was faced with his choice of how he would maintain his bond to Misato. One losing her life and the other losing her mental fortitude to continue fighting.

There was a fine line for him to walk where he had to ensure Misato that he was willing to confirm he was there for her and yet he was faced with the task of denying himself the possibilities he might have had in a more normal relationship with Rei or Asuka. In order for him to remain at Misato's side, Shinji was not only being asked to sacrifice what few selfish desires he had but do everything possible to keep a crucial secret hidden from those he could not fully trust. The fact that he was willing to accept such conditions up to this point made him wonder how he was capable of forcing himself to wake up for every new day that dawned since the night of Kaji's death.

Every thought he mustered about how his ties to others would continue to be pressured left him hoping that Rei would reveal to know everything about him and possibly be on the same page with all of the recent discoveries. If he was forced to consider how life wanted him to endure everything recently however, he knew that holding his breath for the chance would not be a worthwhile act. It was in the moment that he would hear Rei's reaction to the three of them coming to meet her that he would discover how easy moving on from this revelation would be.

The moment where the three of them would discover how they would proceed with Rei came about when they saw her walking down the halls with bandages covering her wounds. Shinji, Misato, and Kensuke approached as they saw her turn to look at the light shining outside before returning her attention to the three of them to greet. Any other day would have given Shinji another moment of hope that he should have known would be crushed in an instant as his pursuit for normalcy was once again undone. Instead, he now recognized this moment as another obstacle that he would have to face as he continued to come to terms with the reality of what his life up to now had been.

Shinji stepped forward as ventured to introduce, "Ayanami… So, do you recognize us?"

Rei looked at Shinji with her lone uncovered eye to answer, "You are the third child. I have been told that much."

Recognizing she needed to be told about him made Shinji prepare himself for the fall as he reminded, "What about Unit 00? The Angel?"

"What do you wish to know about them?"

"We fought an Angel, and you saved me… You don't remember that?"

"The scenario is unfamiliar to me."

Forced to concede there was nothing else he could do to make Rei remember the great sacrifice she made to save him and Kensuke, Shinji hung his head while keeping hold of Misato's hand before admitting the reality he was dealing with. "So it's true. I'm just glad to see you alive."

Shinji could not imagine how much worse hearing Rei not recognizing him without the forewarning would have been but the sadness that came from the dismissal was still not a pleasant one for him to consider. The inadvertent harm he had done to Asuka and the outcome of Rei's return could be traced back to his intention to help Misato free herself from the grief of mourning Kaji.

Kensuke walked up to Shinji when he suggested, "Maybe if I talk to her, she'll suddenly remember everything. That's what I've got this cat here for."

Shinji shook his head, "It won't happen. You're better for her anyway."

Misato felt Shinji let go of her hand as he turned away to make his way down the halls. She turned to ask, "Shinji? Don't you want to talk to Rei more?"

Shinji continued his walk down and told her, "I had my chance. I can't do anything for her."

Kensuke and Rei watched Shinji make his way down the hall while Misato looked on realizing she could not make Shinji try to face Rei again. She turned to the two children, "I'm sorry I can't do much. This is just a lot for Shinji to take in."

Realizing that he had placed himself in a scenario where he risked revealing everything that he had already known, Kensuke looked down at the cat as he tried to find further words to have with Rei. He had numbed Shinji to the idea that he would never see the Rei he was familiar with beforehand and knew the truth was the only way he would be able to completely free himself of any suspicion. But being forced to explain how he accomplished this would not only risk his newfound position in NERV but unravel the nature behind how he managed to make this possible.

He finally dismissed the apology by telling Misato, "It's okay Ms. Katsuragi. This is weird for me to."

Rei tried to offer he observation by reminding, "There is much that I do not understand."

Realizing how indifferent Rei was to even raise her hand to touch the cat in his arms made Kensuke discover how fruitless his attempts would be when he admitted, "Yeah. That goes for all of us."

Having met Rei and confirming everything Kensuke and Misato told him about served as a bitter pill for Shinji to swallow. He accepted this was the case as he made his way through the parking structure and towards Misato's car to wait for his time to return to her apartment. While he was offered a sense of closure for meeting with the new version of Rei, it was a success that like many others before failed to give him a sense of accomplishment.

The sight of Rei being alive was everything that Shinji feared it would be, far from a joyous reunion and a reminder of what he had left behind after his original intentions snowballed to this point. He was not tasked with meeting face to face with her again but wondered if it was preferable to being badgered by Kensuke or Misato to try and reestablish himself with Rei as he might have hoped. It was just one among many more choices that he was forced to make and was still unsure about where all of it would proceed. Whatever consequences he was being asked to answer for, he could not tell if he was only now seeing the results or if things were about to become much worse.

This concern was the dominant thought for him before he heard Misato ask, "You're not feeling sad are you Shinji?"

Shinji stood in front of Misato's car as he stopped walking and left himself with a sense of dread for having to answer another question he did not want to hear. Misato was greeted with a silence for a few seconds before Shinji managed, "Sad? For what? What could I have done?"

The hesitation for Shinji to answer what he was referring to made Misato realize how reluctant he had become in addressing such a crucial part of his existence. She clenched her hands to keep herself from lashing out towards him in anger. Being forced to face Shinji's insecurity for another major shift in his life made her confirm that she was once again serving as the pillar of sanity that he desperately wanted to keep himself from losing all hope.

Being asked what he could have done was a question she heard Shinji ask before, but Misato usually felt ready for how she could approach him. Always serving as the one who was prepared to provide clarity when there seemed to be none in a world in total chaos behind the scenes. In this case however, she struggled to imagine what she could have said without coming off as callous and indifferent towards his feelings.

The conundrum had become greater and more complicated for the both of them as Misato considered what she was trying to keep tied together. She wanted to keep Shinji's trust in a relationship that made her question her intentions every day and left him in only a marginally better place than he might have been. Having gone so far down this path, she found herself wondering if she still sincerely believed in what made her attempt to establish her connection with Shinji or if she was only committed to her choices out of pure obligation. Even more worrying if she was reaching out to him for her own personal gains to keep herself from becoming like him or worse.

Shaking her head at the confusion that questioned her motivations, Misato managed to find the approach that would answer everything for her. Even with knowing what she had accomplished, she found herself hesitating when she feared how she could have been easily labeled for hypocrisy on her part. She finally forced herself to ask, "Really for… all this. Do you think you would have been happier if it wasn't for us?"

Shinji lingered again when he tried to keep himself from breaking down at the implications his fateful choice made before dismissing, "I couldn't make Asuka happy. I couldn't do it for Rei. I never could have meant anything to either of them."

The answer was simple and enough to confirm what she had feared and enough to give her a view of his attitude towards what had happened. Whatever happiness he was feeling with having Misato's embrace before was not enough to make him feel he could free himself of his sorrow. What assurance he could have in one of the few people to ever care about him being willing to reach out to him was not enough to make him change how he would approach others.

Misato wanted to slap herself for even entertaining the thought that she could have solver all of Shinji's problems by simply being there for him but knew she would have to do more if he was going to feel confident holding on to even a strand of security. Her attempt to confront his sorrow came when she placed a hand on Shinji's shoulder and told him, "You don't have to feel like you're alone if that's worth anything."

Once again Shinji felt himself stuck in a situation where he wished he could muster the will necessary to turn and return the assurance that Misato was offering him. He was willing to bring himself into her life more than he ever thought he would consider before and yet he felt as though he was taking her for granted more than ever. He continued to take hold of Misato's quills and thrust them into him over and over again and never took the opportunity to wonder how he could have given anything in return. Every attempt to make an embrace simply another distraction to keep him from facing how difficult his life continued to be.

Shinji summarized his disbelief, "I really don't get why you hold on to me like this."

Misato nodded as she stood next to Shinji and admitted, "It's a lot to work with. I didn't think you had it in you to go this far. Really I shouldn't have expected it either."

That last comment served as a final pushing point for Shinji to question everything he had allowed to cumulate. The fear that Misato was only reaching out to him out of convenience seemed to be just as apparent as it ever had before. While he could have argued that it was for a more selfish desire, his intention was solidified from the recent sight of Rei and the reminder of what happened to several others prior to her. After enduring what felt like a total transformation of his old self, Shinji found himself in fear of the idea of being subject to pain but this time to the sort that he feared would be his undoing.

He attempted to pull himself away from this possible danger when he turned around to tell Misato, "If you want me to leave, I'll do it."

Seeing Shinji part from her hand made Misato linger when she realized the challenge to her reach to him was being made. The shock combined with her realization that she was challenging something she did not believe was possible made her question her intentions. Unfortunately, she knew she would only have a few seconds before she would lose Shinji's attention.

Scrambling for a response, Misato managed, "Sh…Shinji I… I didn't mean that."

Shinji shook his head as he felt grief boiling within him. He remembered a time where he believed he should have done everything possible to push Misato away from him and yet he was finding himself debating if he should have done so. Even if impaling himself with the quills Misato offered gave him a sense of freedom he never had before, he feared what holding on to her any longer would cause for both of them.

He finally told her, "It's fine. I'm only going to make everybody miserable again. Especially you."

Misato lowered her hands while denying, "Shinji, you aren't that kind of person."

Shinji felt his voice trembling as he mustered the will to counter, "I can't do anything without getting people hurt. And it's just not going to stop. I can't do anything about Kaji and Toji isn't coming back. I wanted Rei to be alive and now she doesn't even know me. Asuka… what's even gonna… happen to her?"

As his gaze was focused on the ground below, Shinji found himself surprised when Misato approached him and placed her hands on his shoulders. Instead of an outright denial, she offered words of advice that he could not imagine being something she would say in a moment like this. "A lot of things can happen in life that we can't imagine. It's got to happen for the better someday."

Shinji could very rarely imagine situations where he would have hoped for things to turn out for the better but hearing it from someone else left him wondering if he was able to second guess what he originally thought. Simply hearing it was not enough to make him throw away his fears but enough to make him believe that he was being offered an alternative to his nihilistic worldview. Even when he was offered such assurances, he struggled to believe that this could have been possible when there was still so much leaving him afraid of what lay in the future.

Hoping to earn this confirmation, Shinji asked, "You really think so? Even against NERV?"

Maintaining her commitment to her original hope, Misato answered, "I'm pretty sure that will change at some point. There are still more Angels out there apparently. Once we get through all of them, maybe we'll have a fighting chance then."

Even with everything that had been discovered about NERV in front of him, the temptation of being offered a chance to undo what had been laid in front of him became a tempting offer for him to grasp. He could not decide if it was out of desperation or if he had allowed himself to soften his resolve, but he found himself wanting to hold on to a reason to live more than anything else. It might have been a natural human instinct, or it might have been that simply discovering the truth allowed him to feel leverage he never had before, but he was lured into believing that he was not going to be subject to the machinations of what his father and whoever he was serving.

Hoping for confirmation of this he asked, "So you really think that you won't leave me alone?"

Misato smiled, "We're both a total mess right now Shinji. What else do we need to make an argument for us sticking together?"

Even with the sincerity of her approach, Shinji attempted one final approach when he told her, "Miss Misato… If it's not too much… I don't want to be disappointed again… Please don't make a promise you can't keep."

Whatever her intentions might have been before, Misato was forced to accept that she was truly stuck with Shinji now. Even if she began to have second thoughts, she knew it would cause a possibly worse outcome if she tried to push him away now. She knew there would be consequences to her actions, and she would have to face them one day but felt it was about to be a challenge that she believed would offer the best outcome for both her and Shinji.

Even with what fears loomed in the horizon, real as they might have been, Misato was prepared to face the challenge by assuring, "Well, that's quite a promise. There's a lot that can happen, but I guess we can only take it as it comes right now."


A/N: Not the most eventful, but it seemed important to establish the sense of commitment that the two main leads have. It seems like the best way to balance out the way things occur in the previous chapter. I really felt the need to take the time to establish the foundations of the romance and I think I've covered everything necessary for their current situation to be taken as a passive fact for those who have gotten this far.

If it's anything to look forward to, I do plan on introducing Kaworu into the next chapter and setting things in motion from there. It's probably at this point that I would say the challenges are really going to start being set in motion especially with an important series of revelations. What they will be and how serious they will begin to affect where the world is now, that is something I hope you are all looking forward to seeing next time and I hope to see you then.