Chapter 46: Seen
Duo was a distracted mess, hiding it well enough through productivity and denial. Une still had him on remote work, but as a subtle form of punishment or encouragement she kept him with Cybersecurity again. He was driving his team up the wall, aggressively helping them with work issues to the point of scaring them away from asking for assistance in the general chat. If someone thought they had one problem, Duo would descend on it and discover three more. The team that was so excited to have him on loan months ago was largely tiptoeing around him now. Unless they had a massive problem and wanted it solved and handed back to them on a platter, they kept under Duo's radar.
Une told him he could either follow standard Preventers protocol and get cleared by psych to return to active duty, or he could skip that, per his contract, and return to active duty when he came in person to HQ to debrief about the incident.
He chose his contract.
His days were spent working from home, and his nights were usually spent at Heero's apartment. He liked the arrangement. Avoiding HQ allowed him to keep his relative anonymity and dodge Ravi and the others who were there that night. Leaving his home and staying overnight with Heero helped him sleep better. There was no down side, other than his boring assignments and Heero getting a bit attached to him. He didn't remember Heero being so physically needy before, but people change.
With the extra time they spent together, Heero seemed not to notice how he was avoiding field work and pretending working from home was fulfilling. Duo wasn't being overly subtle, but he still never got called out.
Wufei was in touch daily, and took Duo out to lunch twice a week to get him out of his apartment and force him to interact face to face with someone other than Heero. They always went to places in Duo's neighborhood, both because there were plenty of small restaurants and because Wufei refused to let Duo take him anywhere on his bike. The first time Duo suggested they go for a ride he was met with resistance.
"I do not trust you" Wufei said. "Do you not remember our misadventure in Shiraz?"
Duo shrugged. "We lived, yeah?"
"I was certain we wouldn't!"
"Come on, man. It's just a short ride…"
Wufei fixed him with his best imitation of Heero's glare. The result wasn't entirely murderous, but it was able to get his point across. "I will not be riding on a motorcycle again with you in control. Ever."
Duo smirked. "Easy fix. You be the little spoon up front, and I'll be the big spoon giving you direction."
The way Wufei's expression soured made Duo's day.
Instead of taking the bike they grabbed hot pot two blocks from his building. He didn't mind the change of plans. That Wufei showed up at all meant a lot to him. He hadn't spent so much time with people in years, and it was kind of nice. The idea of having people in his life was growing on him. But he also never felt more alone.
It was one thing to have no one. It was a whole other beast to have people and feel he couldn't talk to any of them. Even Wufei, with whom he felt unbreakable closeness, was largely kept away from the depth of his feelings. He admitted to what was wrong, but didn't elaborate on how it affected him and steered their conversations to light and meaningless topics.
Duo was self aware enough to know his reaction was worrisome, but he took no steps to change. He could feel himself sinking further, putting up more walls and pretending more. Going through the motions with Heero was easy. Hiding was something he was always accustomed to, and hiding how damaged his sense of self was came disturbingly naturally. Knowing he was spiraling only made things worse. How could he expect Heero to be more open this time around when in return he was so much more closed off?
When Duo finally decided there was no choice but to open up to Heero and tell him about his struggles he was both anxious and relieved. He thought it would be simple: Wait to meet Heero in the evening and reveal his secrets. Easy. No problem.
Not so easy.
He tried to say something while Heero cooked, but the words stuck in his throat.
He attempted to segue the conversation during dinner, but floundered.
He forgot all about his mission when Heero pulled him close and kissed him so thoroughly they ended up in an exhausted tangle of limbs in his bed.
Every day he tired to open up was just like the day before. Work remotely from his own apartment, maybe catch lunch with Wufei, meander over to Heero's for dinner, fail to talk, end up in bed together, stay the night. After about a week he couldn't deny he was using Heero as a distraction. And Heero? He was an effective distraction.
The problem was he didn't want Heero to just be a distraction. He wanted to devote himself to a relationship without needing it to keep his demons at bay. He wanted to be with Heero for the sake of enjoying his company and not as a means of lying to himself and evading his problems. The longer he used Heero's company and detached sex to avoid looking within himself, the longer he was preventing them from being equals in their new relationship. He knew that, but he couldn't manage to change his path.
Maintaining his cycle of behavior was not sustainable and he knew it. Une kept texting that he couldn't keep his job current if he was on desk duty forever. He needed to go into HQ. That meant facing people he wanted to avoid. She gave him gave him a month to do it. Duo knew that the first step started with facing Heero.
Unfortunately, things never went as planned. And Duo fell right back into the comfortable and avoidant behavior he'd hidden behind, regularly struggling to speak and always failing.
Heero was restless.
Increasingly he found himself lying awake at night, worrying. He wasn't stupid. Wufei was right that something was wrong but the last thing he wanted to do was force Duo to open up to him. As far as he was concerned there had to be more going on than just throwing a few punches at a confirmed, undeniable domestic terrorist three weeks ago.
The first week after the incident at HQ they spent a lot of time together, but didn't get too physical because of Duo's injuries. For a while he hovered, convinced if Duo was left to his own devices for too long he'd manage to get into trouble again. Deep down he knew it was just paranoia, but after Duo's near death experience in December and his late night call, a little paranoia felt justified. For the most part Duo did a good job at appearing to be okay. As time went on Heero saw cracks forming in his façade. Immediately after he tried to ask what was wrong Duo avoided answering by initiating sex. It was the first time they slept together since Duo's return.
In retrospect, he was ashamed to have fallen for the obvious ruse.
Worse, he let that become a pattern.
Every night he'd either gently ask how Duo was faring and if he wanted to talk and get pulled into sex, or he'd make a move and initiate it himself. It took him a week to realize he was searching for something missing between them, desperately trying to find it through physical intimacy. It took a second week to realize sex didn't feel off because of anxiety or expectations held during the years they were apart. Instead, they were going through motions and simply not connecting.
Heero ignored massive signs that Duo was struggling in his attempt to pretend things were okay between them. Instead he put up blinders and enjoyed his company and their physical intimacy, even though it still didn't feel right. Their emotional intimacy was lacking, and the longer it remained that way the more prominent Heero's underlying dread became as he worried that something was broken in their relationship.
He wanted them to work out and be a stronger couple than they once were. He wanted answers to questions that were on his mind for months but he was too afraid to ask. He wanted not to squander his second chance.
Whatever they were doing now wasn't, in his mind, sustainable. But he was terrified that pointing out how rocky their foundation was would cause Duo to run. Without emotional connection none of it felt real. He could pick up anyone at a bar and have the type of sex he was having with Duo. What made intimacy extra thrilling for all those years they were together before was their deep emotional ties. They had a trust and an understanding he wasn't sure could be replicated elsewhere.
Had was the operative word. Sometimes he wished he'd never experienced their previous relationship. At least then he wouldn't be so acutely aware of what was now missing.
So he laid awake at night, thinking. Wondering. Hoping. Sometimes lightly running his fingers over that nasty scar on Duo's neck as he was consumed with questions he wouldn't ask. At some point Duo stopped trying to hide his scar, which Heero took as a sign of trust. But he never gave the story behind it, and the pain Heero felt seeing it ran deep. Unless he was asleep, Duo never even let him touch it.
His thoughts stopped as Duo jerked awake, as he had nearly every night. Quickly after, the braided man shifted and reached out for him, holding close. This behavior was nothing new. Years ago the same thing would happen: if Duo jumped awake he would reach for Heero like a child might for a favorite plush toy. The new part was how frequently it was happening.
Heero thought, not for the first time, I wish you would talk to me.
He didn't expect to hear Duo's voice.
"You awake, Ro?"
For a second he panicked, wondering if Duo could read his mind before realizing that was absurd. If Duo had the ability to read his mind he'd have figured it out long ago.
In response Heero sighed and wrapped his arms around him, hands rubbing Duo's back and gently warming his skin. The thick chestnut braid tickled as his hands glided beneath it. Duo reflexively nuzzled him in return. A moment passed when Heero thought maybe the man in his arms had fallen asleep again, but instead he felt Duo's breath tickle his bare chest as he whispered "Do you know why I lay close to you after I startle awake?"
Heero's eyes shot open at that. Duo never spoke about his nightmares. Not during the war, not after, not now. Well, maybe now. This might be what he was waiting for. Duo might finally be admitting to what was wrong. He gave a soft squeeze of encouragement.
"Sometimes I dream of the plague" Duo spoke slowly and casually with a relaxed tone in his voice Heero couldn't quite place. "Just about everyone I knew died. I toldja they didn't really prioritize street kids, right? No money made in savin our lives." He felt Duo's head tilt as he adjusted his position until his ear rested above Heero's heart. He had so many questions he wanted to ask but was afraid to break whatever spell caused his partner to suddenly open up. He remained still for what felt like an eternity of silence but was likely only a few short minutes. Time tended to warp in quiet moments between them.
"Sometimes it's about the fire." Heero felt Duo's hesitation before he even spoke. Their bodies were pressed closely and he did not miss the way Duo's muscles tensed a fraction. "Maybe I'll tell you about that. One day." Duo sighed, and it did not sound contented. He sounded like he was struggling through emotions he didn't want to express. Heero logged "fire" into his mind. Duo mentioned a fire at Relena's when he returned the cross. Something about how it wasn't the first time his cross survived one. He would remember a fire as something important and big.
Duo continued.
"Lately it's a mix. Being ordered not to help kids. That helplessness." Heero felt Duo's hand, which had been laying flat against his skin, ball up into a fist. "I dream about following the path I'm on and becoming what I hate most of all…" Duo didn't elaborate, and Heero felt an emptiness in his chest. Wufei warned him Duo was in crisis. He should have done something sooner instead of letting things play out for weeks. But he wasn't very practiced in emotionally supporting loved ones, especially when they had a history of flight risk. He was doing the best he could, but he didn't feel his best was good enough.
"Anyway… whatever the dream, or nightmare… Afterwards. When I'm back in the present... I like to listen to your heartbeat."
The way Duo said those words was so matter of fact and simple. The sun will rise tomorrow. Nothing in the colonies prepares you for Earth's weather. Keep the safety on your weapon when it's not actively in use. You need dry toast with eggs over medium. I like to listen to your heartbeat.
"When I remember how everyone died" he continued "and it really was damn near everyone…" His voice trailed a bit as though his mind wandered to a time and place Heero could never reach. It made him feel helpless when Duo fell into his past and he couldn't grab hold and stay by his side. This was one of the first times Duo gave him a window into where those memories took him, and Heero was eager to see where it lead. He felt the vibrations of Duo's voice as he continued.
"When I remember the things I've done. The people I've killed, or hurt, or wronged with actions I can't take back and might never atone for…"
Heero knew he was thinking of that night at Headquarters. He wished Duo would stop focusing so much on what happened in Une's office. Could he not allow himself one non-fatal mistake?
"When that happens, and I'm lost, and surrounded by death and pain and doubt… there's nothing more comforting than knowing you're alive."
He was sure he felt his heart expand and warm, and found himself smiling in the dark. He was also sure there was no way in hell Duo didn't catch his heart skipping a beat from excitement. Not with his ear pressed right above it. He felt a little guilty, taking delight in anything while Duo was opening up about that which haunted him.
"I've had these dreams since I was about seven or eight. I never really could get a handle on it." Duo hesitated a moment as if thinking that last statement over. "And it seems like every year more gets added, yanno? The well of bad things never runs dry. I might fall asleep after a few hours of distracting myself but it's rarely restful. Or it wasn't. Until you." He rubbed his cheek against Heero affectionately. "The only thing that really soothes me is holding you close and feeling how undeniably alive you are. Knowing you're not going anywhere. And I just. Well... I've been distracted lately. I'm here with you and I'm not really here. But I wanna be. I desperately want to be. And I just thought you should know, while I'm half asleep enough to have courage and not over-think what to say."
Heero squeezed Duo a little closer and kissed the top of his head. Duo's hair was soft and the smell of his shampoo was like home. "Thank you for feeling safe enough to tell me that."
He felt Duo's face contort in confusion and then the body against him moved. He turned to look directly at Heero with an incredulous expression, becoming more alert. His arms were now crossed over Heero's chest, his chin resting on them.
"You're kinda dumb sometimes, Ro. I always feel safe with you."
Bringing his left hand up to idly pet Duo's side he smiled. "Hn. This time it's a little different."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"So…" Duo's eyes darted away to a corner of the room. "Guess you'd be up for hearing more sometime, ne? It's just." He looked back to Heero and there was a sadness in his eyes. "Vulnerability doesn't really fit the image people have of me, you know? There's an expectation... and people get disappointed when I don't meet that."
Without hesitation Heero whispered in a firm tone "You have nothing to hide. When you show me your vulnerabilities and the hidden parts of who you are I'm never disappointed. They make me-" He stopped abruptly, tripping on his words before continuing "feel even more connected to you."
Duo was grateful for the darkness in the room because he was certain if Heero actually said expressing his vulnerabilities made him love him more the words would've caused him to blush from head to toe. As it was he couldn't hide the smile that grew on his face and took over his features. And he couldn't help how he instinctively lowered his head to hide his smile behind his arms.
Even though Heero didn't come out and verbally declare his love, and even though he danced around the core of his current problems and only took a small step to fully opening up, Duo never felt more seen. It was a little surprising, given how he was lying in bed with a man who clearly had seen all of him many times before.
He'd taken the first small step towards something better. It felt strange, but relieving. Duo wasn't sure how long it would take to really open up, but he felt hope for the first time in a long while that one day he'd get there. He even dared to think that one day he wouldn't feel so alone.
