Chapter 47: Finding Balance

Wufei ducked to the side and grinned, a foot flew by his face so close he felt it disturb the air as it whooshed past. He was on his toes, alert and ready to go. Intense violet eyes flashed and Duo attacked again, this time with a side kick that Wufei blocked with his arms before advancing. He started this fight with every intention of forcing his friend to unleash his anger and was not about to let up until he succeeded. If that meant causing some pain, he'd live with that just fine.

Duo was barely back on two feet when Wufei forced him to retreat. That he kept his hands up and guarded himself when kicking was the only reason none of his friend's multiple punches connected with his face.

"You're holding ba—"

Wufei couldn't finish his sentence. Duo stepped forward, tucking his right arm close to his side as he turned, raising his left arm across his face and spinning fast into a back kick. As Wufei dodged he felt a hand grip onto his shirt and pull him forward. They spun around, Duo's grip holding firm as he tried to shake himself free. In retaliation Wufei spun them even faster, the force allowing his shirt to slip from Duo's clenched fist, sending both of them stumbling in opposite directions. They each took a second to get their bearings, Duo shaking his head as if to ward off dizziness.

"You're holding back!" he finally accused between labored breaths.

Duo wore a mischievous look and Wufei was happy to see it on his friend's face again. He missed that look. "If I'm holdin back why're you so winded?"

Those words ignited a fire in Wufei, and he leapt forward. He threw alternating punches right and left, shifting his weight from side to side as he advanced until the American could no longer dodge and his fist connected. Duo's face snapped to the side, his hair whipping along with the motion. Immediately he dropped low to avoid a high kick from Wufei, his body falling clear to the ground and rolling out of the way when the same foot came down to step on him. When he popped back to his feet he wiped blood from his mouth using the back of a hand and spat on the ground.

Wufei didn't break eye contact. "You better clean that up. Sifu's only condition to let us fight here was that we leave this place as we found it."

Before bringing Duo to Dragon Kwoon he confirmed that no classes would be held and they would be left alone. It was a large open space with wall to wall floor mats. When classes were held they had 50 students training together at full capacity, so there was ample room for a one on one fight. Duo and Wufei tried to keep themselves at the center of the space, adjusting positions as they advanced. While some equipment and weaponry were stationed along the walls they began their fight with one agreed upon rule: no weapons.

Duo advanced again, kicking high and causing Wufei to duck and dodge. He was outmaneuvered when Wufei predicted his attempt to grapple, and instead grabbed Duo and used his momentum to flip him onto the floor flat onto his back. Scrambling to his knees, Duo lunged at Wufei. This was the rabid kind of fighting Duo picked up on the streets. As far as Wufei was concerned there was no rhyme or reason, no method to his madness. He was simply throwing himself at his enemy, resulting in the two of them tossing each other back and forth, slamming one another hard into the floor until Wufei rolled out of reach.

He was sore, and he was certain Duo wasn't faring any better. His previous fights at Dragon Kwoon were battles of the mind and skill. He never imagined he'd use this sacred place for a fight fueled by anger. Once again he attacked. His barrage of punches left Duo with his arms up in defense, backing away until he landed another hard punch to his friend's face. He watched the American stumble and shake it off. The fight was becoming too repetitive for Wufei's liking, and when he yelled his voice was harsher than expected, with a rough and gravelly undertone.

"Use your fucking fists, you baka!"

He watched Duo's face darken, but his opponent did not move.

"You afraid to swing with them again?" At those words he caught Duo flinch and it encouraged him to keep going. "I promise your hands are not as deadly as you think. You couldn't punch me if you tried, you're too undisciplined." Duo's eyes became stormy, and he slowly closed the distance between them. Letting his guard down a little to increase his level of taunting and come off even more arrogant, Wufei teased "you might have power, and your style might be feral, but you're no match for a lifetime of martial arts train—"

His speech broke when Duo quickly shoved him in the chest using two open palms and then kicked him in the same spot. Wufei stumbled backwards and grabbed his chest. The blow was hard, temporarily knocking the wind out of him, but Duo simply watched him struggle for breath without advancing further. As he tried to slow his breathing he considered how Duo was still in control of himself. The point was to make him lose control. He wanted his friend to snap like he did at HQ. He'd have to try harder.

Wufei centered himself, took a lower stance with his arms and legs extended out, and signaled Duo to attack.

For a brief second he was excited to see Duo actually step forward and throw a punch. This was his goal, the moment of his moral victory. All that exhilaration disappeared as he realized too late that those punches were fake outs meant to distract him before Duo grabbed him arms with both hands and hauled him forward, breaking his center of gravity and sending him flying face first into the floor.

He felt Duo's weight on his back, his arm held at an unnatural angle behind him. The weight shifted and he heard Duo's voice right next to his ear. "I don't need my fists to defeat you when you've been distracted this whole fight." Duo pushed him harder into the mats when he tried to move. "You dare accuse me of holding back when you're doing the same? Actually fight me you coward!"

Duo had no idea what happened next. He went from a position of power to being absolutely manhandled in just a few seconds. Wufei was on top of him, fist raised and anger in his eyes. His dark eyes drained any will to fight out of the American. He didn't want to be the cause of that look on Wufei's face, and he hadn't seen so much rage emanating from his friend since the wars. It scared him.

"If you won't fight me then just say it out loud!"

Duo remained silent, not sure if he should focus on Wufei or the man's threatening fist.

"Say it, Duo. It's different from thinking it or typing it. Say it! Admit what you told me!"

For a moment he just kept breathing, feeling his heart racing and his blood pumping through his body. He could always count on Wufei to give him a good sparring session. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath and said "I'm terrified and I'm holding myself to an impossible standard."

He did not feel Wufei relax at all. The man above him didn't even shift his position.

"And?"

Duo wasted no time answering. If answers were what it took to calm Wufei, he'd give them no matter how much he didn't want to. "I wanted to kill him. I'm upset because I wanted so badly to kill him and I don't know what I would've done if you hadn't stopped me." He opened his eyes and looked at Wufei. That was when he felt his friend lose some conviction, his muscles and shoulders relaxing a fraction. Maybe his eyes conveyed his sadness enough to break through Wufei's anger. "I watched cops beat kids to death on L2. I don't want to be them."

Wufei's shoulders did relax then, tension falling out and his fist, though still raised, no longer remained in position to strike. Some of the force he exerted to hold Duo down alleviated.

"And?"

Duo sighed and closed his eyes tight, recalling their conversation via text. "I'm not…" he paused, gathering his wits, knowing what Wufei wanted to hear. "I'm not like them."

The tone of Duo's voice wasn't entirely convincing, but it was a step in the right direction. He sill had his eyes shut tight, and Wufei felt a little remorse for how things shook out. But he also no longer felt the need to trap his friend.

He released Duo, removing himself and sitting cross legged to the side. He gave Duo time to process everything that happened, and a moment later the American sat up, draping his arms around his knees. They looked at each other for a prolonged pause, nearly shoulder to shoulder but facing opposite directions. He did not break his gaze when Duo took in a deep breath and closed his eyes again. He remained like that, simply focusing on his breathing.

Tentatively, Wufei reached a hand over and grabbed Duo's braid, giving it a tug and watching his friend's face contort as he opened his eyes enough to squint at him. The look in those violet eyes gave him confidence to quietly ask another question Duo kept dodging.

"What happened on that mission after Relena's ski trip? I know the official report. But I want to know what happened with you."

Instead of shying away Duo bit his lip and then did the last thing Wufei expected. He actually answered.

"I saw myself in them. The kids. The biggest danger growing up on the streets wasn't other kids or gangs. It was adults. You saw a well dressed adult in our side of town and you ran because they'd steal you like those kids Une said I couldn't release. And if you saw a cop, you ran like hell. Someone well dressed still might just be lost or a well meaning fool. Cops were never lost. They'd round us up and beat us, like all their problems would be solved if we just disappeared."

Wufei felt a lump in his throat. Duo opening up was major. While he didn't want to interrupt, he hoped he could convey with his expression that he was listening and that he cared. His hand unconsciously tightened around the braid.

Duo was breathing heavily. He was obviously holding back tears.

"I know how I should feel. I know I'm not supposed to conflate these things, but I can't seem to separate it in my head, you know? I spent a week, a fucking week required to just watch these kids and not interfere. When I was little and they'd snatch up kids I knew, kids I shared food and shelter with... all I wanted was for an adult to come and help. And here I was ordered to do endless recon! Watch but don't act!" He took in a ragged and shaky breath. "I was so scared, Wufei."

His eyes were brimming with unshed tears and he took several deep and deliberately slow breaths before continuing.

"I couldn't help those kids, or the ones I grew up with. I couldn't help the chur—" he stopped abruptly and took another long, deep breath. "I couldn't help Hilde. I'm so fucking useless sometimes. I hadn't even slept yet and then…" he trailed off and raised his hands to his face, giving it a vigorous rub. Wufei let go of the braid as Duo dropped his arms, his hands coming to rest on the floor. His eyes drifted somewhere off to the side. "I was barely holding it together when I saw her. And it felt like the final blow. Confirmation I can't help anyone."

Wufei bit his lip and tried his best to organize his thoughts. In the meantime Duo didn't speak again.

"I'm glad you told me." He kept his voice soft and steady. "Attacking that man was dishonorable, but without knowing what else was going on your visceral reaction felt disproportionate." He paused, and Duo didn't make eye contact. "Do you really think you would've killed him?"

There was zero hesitation when Duo answered "yes" and Wufei tilted his head back, taking in the information. Finally, his head nodded very slightly.

"So that's not an exaggeration. You really wanted to kill him and that's the issue."

Duo sounded like a petulant child when he asked "What does that mean?"

Repressing a sigh, Wufei clarified his thoughts. "You and I know you can't assault someone in custody. Your remorse is merited, and frankly reassuring. It tells me you are not who you're afraid you've become. But the extent to which it's destroying you…" He turned to face Duo and was surprised to see him staring intently back at him. "You're the only one who knew your intent. We saw someone get angry and briefly snap, but you reflect on the same moment and feel what? Murderous intent?"

He almost didn't catch Duo's subtle nod. This was beyond the scope he anticipated, but it was also irritating. Abruptly standing, he reached down to extend a hand to his friend and pull him to his feet. Duo looked uncertain of where this was all going, but he clearly trusted Wufei. He didn't hesitate at all to accept the hand outstretched to him.

Once they were eye to eye Wufei grappled him into a quick hug. As soon as Duo started to lean into it Wufei pulled away, holding him by the shoulders an arm's length away. And then, without warning, he lightly smacked Duo in the face with an open palm.

Duo wrinkled his nose and winced, a grimace playing at the corners of his lips. "The fuck was—"

He got smacked again. Not enough to hurt, but enough to get his attention.

"You're a fucking fool, Maxwell!" Dazed, Duo only stared blankly as Wufei got increasingly angry. "How long have you been stuck in your own head? Was it just the last four and a half years, or did it start earlier?"

The attempt Duo made to speak was interrupted before he got more than a single sound out.

"This is the type of bullshit someone comes up with when they're in an echo chamber of one and going through a depressive episode. Do you seriously think that you're the only person who wanted to kill that man? Do you think anyone should be punished for mere thoughts? I once had extremely vivid fantasies of taking all of Sally's clothing and burning them in the back yard after we moved in together because she couldn't be bothered to put her damn laundry away no matter how many times I told her to do it. I bought the accelerant to start the fire. Should I hate myself for having a full on plan to destroy her belongings even though I never did it?"

He waited for an answer but Duo was too stunned to give one. With no patience left, Wufei answered for him after just a two second pause. "No! Because we're allowed to think things we don't act out. Get your head out of your ass!"

"But…" Duo struggled to articulate. "But I was acting it out and I could do it again and—"

"What is protocol for a mission like the one you went on?"

Duo blinked. "What?"

Wufei gave him a critical look. "I figured out that you negotiated your contract to effectively remove everything Preventers requires to keep agents in balance. It's obvious prior to injuries you were working too many days on and not enough off. If I was sent on a week long mission, for 24 hour observation with no partner, I'd be guaranteed at least a week off when I got back." He glared at Duo. "So what did you negotiate that down to?"

He saw Duo tense as he spoke, his body language becoming defensive. While he didn't expect the mandatory week, he knew Une well enough that she'd never fully remove required PTO. A flash of recognition in violet eyes told him his friend was catching on.

"Three days."

It wasn't a week, but it was something.

"Did you get your three days?"

The expression on Duo's face would be funny if the topic wasn't so serious. Wufei wasn't sure he'd ever seen his friend frown so deeply.

"You know I didn't. I got in, saw Heero, took a ride, grabbed a bite, and was brawling with terrorist number one in under six hours."

"So this entire event was an anomaly." He watched Duo freeze up and took it as a cue to continue. "A coordinated attack on HQ is astronomically rare on its own, but on top of that you weren't even supposed to be near anything like a mission for 3 whole days, which should have been a week but we'll hash that out another time. The point is that the odds of this ever happening again are so negligible you can't even pretend it's truly a possibility."

That recognition flashed through Duo's eyes again, and his frown eased into a tight line. He could visibly see Duo processing information, and he could also see when that process came to a stop.

"But if not for you and Heero I wouldn't have stopped beating him and—"

"Shut the fuck up, Maxwell!"

Duo's jaw snapped closed.

"You can't know you wouldn't stop on your own. All of this is based on hypotheticals!"

"But—"

Wufei talked over him and punctuated every few words by lightly shoving Duo backwards. He stepped forward each time and repeated the action, forcing Duo to retreat from him. "You're an idiot! If you bothered to just talk to you fucking friends and get some perspective you wouldn't have spent weeks scaring us half to death thinking maybe, just maybe, you'd disappear again." He stopped his advance. "Tell me what the hell I did to deserve that! Because I absolutely did not need that on top of you shutting down!"

They stared at each other, the fire in Wufei's eyes did not dim.

"You thought I was gonna run?"

Wufei rolled his eyes, in a habit he clearly picked up from Duo, and let out exasperated sigh. "Yes! Of course I—"

Before he could finish, Duo stepped forward a pulled him into a tight bear hug. At first he didn't know how to react, his anger still getting the better of him. Quickly his anger faded, and he returned the embrace.

Duo choked out into his ear "I'm real sorry!" He held his friend tighter, and then released him, remorse all over his face. "I just… I haven't gotten used to people yet, you know?" He began to pace and wildly gesture with his hands. "I've spent years basically talking to myself and having imaginary conversations and it's hard to remember I'm not alone. I mean I know you're here but I keep convincing myself I'm just your problem!"

A sharp pain hit Wufei, and Duo's arms promptly dropped to his sides as he looked to Wufei for confirmation he really was a problem. Though his friend's suffering hurt him he could see a light at the end of the tunnel. "Everyone struggles, not just you. You don't have to talk to me, but you have to talk to someone and get out of your own head."

Violet eyes looked down, and Duo raised a hand behind his neck, rubbing the spot beneath his braid. He looked downright sheepish. "I'm kinda stupid, aren't I?"

"Yep."

"Not gonna bother sugar coating that?"

"Nope."

Duo nodded and lowered his hand, shrugging. "Why do you put up with me?"

Wufei tilted his head to the side and grinned. "Because I love you, you dumbass. You're the family I've been missing since L5."

Violet eyes cut away and Duo crossed his arms over his chest, his frame becoming tense. He let out a sharp breath, bangs flying upward from the force of the air. He struggled not to smile and failed spectacularly. Then his eyes glossed over and his lower lip trembled, only stilling when he bit into it hard. Wufei watched, stunned, as his friend's shoulders began to shake, and Duo burst into tears, suddenly covering his face with both hands. In a tense voice between sobs Duo asked "You know I love you back, right?"

Moved by his friend's reaction, Wufei felt his own tears sting his eyes and said the very first thing to come to mind.

"Of course. I'm not a dumbass like you."

Those words shifted Duo's sobs into laughter. His tense shaking loosened up, and one hand came down to his chest, revealing tightly closed eyes and a bright smile on his face. He laughed loudly as he reestablished eye contact, wiping tears from his eyes and cheeks. It didn't take long to regain his faculties, and Wufei knew the sudden outburst of feelings was just the start of his friend's journey towards emotional well being. Duo sniffled, rubbed the tip of his nose, and looked at him with uncertainty. "You gonna take your own advice, too? Or you too much of a dumbass for that?"

His words caught Wufei off guard.

"What?"

Duo gave him a knowing smile. "About talking to someone. It's pretty obvious you were holdin a lotta anger directed at me."

Wufei blinked and considered his words. Duo was right. He'd played supportive friend for weeks but was holding back his negative emotions triggered by Duo's behavior. In retrospect, he knew what Duo felt more than anything was shame, not anger. Even in his self-hatred there was no fury. The anger he wanted unleashed was his own. He sighed and broke eye contact. Of course Duo saw through him. At this point they could see each other much more clearly than they could themselves. His eyes cut back to Duo's.

"When'd you know?"

A shit-eating grin spread across Duo's face. "I dunno, man. Maybe when you brought me to your own personal fight club I got the hint that you were mad and wanted to express that through controlled violence."

Wufei was mortified, which caused him to get defensive. "Then why participate in the fight?"

"Seemed like you needed it."

The answer wasn't good enough, and Wufei doubled down on his defense. "So you just let me fight you? You let me do my best to taunt you into punching me like you hit that man? Without objection?"

Duo's grin faded. "You were right that I'm hesitant to really let loose and attack anyone. That wasn't part of any game or strategy. Still not quite ready for that. But you seemed to need an outlet for aggression. And if I'm the one causing you so much stress that you wanna host an underground fight, the least I can do is fight you."

A wave of emotions hit Wufei, the strongest one being regret. He lost sight of his own feelings as he focused on Duo's, and ignoring himself allowed things to get out of control.

"Listen, you don't hafta wait until you need to all out brawl with me to tell me you're mad. You really can just say 'Duo, I'm pissed off at you right now' and still be the great friend you are."

It was Wufei's turn to smile. "Okay. Yeah. I'll tell you next time I'm angry with you."

"No more weird feats of strength to communicate?"

That cracked a large grin across Wufei's face. "Some feats of strength."

Duo's tone shifted into something less serious and he extended his arm, hand clenched into a fist. "Awkward bros?"

Wufei returned the gesture and they fist bumped. "Awkward bros."

After a second's pause, Duo stretched, leaning as far back as he could and the forward to touch the floor. When he was upright again, he extended both arms above his head and dropped them outwards, swinging them and testing how sore he was. His eyes were bright. "How come everything feels so much better now? How is the weight so much lighter? And so quickly? Is it like that for you?"

Wufei smiled. It was. He also felt lighter, his anger rapidly dissipating. "Same reason I've been trying to get you to talk to me. Hell, it's the same reason I feel better now that you've called out my issues. We both behaved poorly. You did something wrong but you didn't take some giant leap towards becoming what you hate the most. You had a week from hell, and it put you in a place where you couldn't process emotions and ended up in a feedback loop. I festered in anger with you for not processing your feelings on my time, in the way I wanted you to. And I also should have just told you how scared I was of you running." He shrugged. "I think both of us just needed some outside perspective."

Duo bit his lower lip again, then asked "when'd you get so smart?"

Wufei stepped towards him and slung an arm over his shoulder. "Maybe I learned a lesson about how dangerous it is to stay in your own head a long time ago after my friends made me realize joining Mariemaia's Army was not the solution I thought it was." He started to walk them towards a door Duo hadn't used before. "I thought it was righteous to join her cause. I didn't bother to get anyone else's opinion, and I started to believe my own propaganda. It's not that different from you, spiraling into self hatred because you didn't bother to talk to anyone and get some perspective."

The telltale buzzing of a phone came from Duo's pocket, and he absently reached for the device. "Thanks Wu—" Duo stopped cold when his eyes focused on the screen. Wufei was mid step, and slightly yanked Duo forward before he could stop.

"Everything okay?"

Duo gave him a halfhearted smile. "Yeah, just a spam text." He tucked the phone back into his pocket before Wufei could catch a glimpse of it.

Not fully buying his story but also not wanting to pry, Wufei took another two steps and guided them to the door. He opened it with his free hand, his other arm still casually draped across Duo's shoulders. That arm slid down to his middle back and unceremoniously shoved his friend through the door into a cleaning supply closet.

"Grab the green and white bottle on the top shelf and a rag. You're cleaning your blood off the floor before we leave. I will not have your crisis of self leave Dragon Kwoon in disrepair."

Without another word Wufei swung closet door shut in a quick motion, leaving Duo in the dark.

He could hear his friend break down into laughter on the other side, accompanied by the sound of bottles falling from the top shelf and a string of curses.

"Where's the motherfucking light? Wufei!"

Wufei chuckled. He brought Duo here to give him a physical outlet for the anger he was holding inside, but anger seemed to be his problem, not Duo's. While his initial goal of getting Duo to hit him with his fists to prove he could control himself and refrain from killing was never accomplished, he did succeed in helping his friend unleash some of the bottled up emotions that kept him from moving forward.

More impressively, Duo accepted that kindness and returned it right back. All it took was some bruises and a blood between them.

He'd live with that just fine.