Resumes Of The Damned

"All right," Destro sighed as he sat at his computer. "Time to get started. Huh. Villain Vibe. Where villains network and get work."

Meanwhile…

"I would have thought Monster dot com would have been more appropriate," Mindbender remarked as he sat at another computer. "I guess someone else trademarked that."

"Hang on. I thought Villain Vibe was more like Facebook for villains? Oh, I see. It's the new expanded package. Good to know they're constantly innovating!"

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"All right," The Baroness worked at the computer. "The sooner I upload a resume, the sooner I can leave Cobra. Which is technically my objective. I'll just put looking for a change."

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"Seriously mates," Torch said to Buzzer, Ripper and Monkeywrench as they sat around a computer. "We could use a change."

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"I mean it doesn't hurt to look around," Zartan said to his siblings in front of yet another computer.

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"Okay let's start with qualifications," Destro typed. "Twenty plus years management experience. Twenty-five plus years in sales."

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"You're only putting twenty-five years as a mercenary unit?" Torch asked. "Haven't we been doing this for…hang on?" He started counting on his fingers. "Well, a lot more years than that?"

"That's where the plus comes in genius," Buzzer told him as he typed. "If people found out how old we really are they'd never hire us!"

"Oh right," Torch realized. "That whole ageism thing."

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"Twenty plus years is more than enough," The Baroness typed. "I could just tell people I started as a teenager. Which is technically true. Let's see what have I put down? Ah. Experience in management. Assassination. Espionage. Fluent in several languages..."

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"Including Klingon!" Mindbender said cheerfully. "Chon!"

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"Experienced in weapons as well as hand to hand combat," Zartan typed. "Infiltration…"

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"Working on and maintaining filtration systems," Mindbender added. "Dentistry. Always good to have that to fall back on."

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"Accounting," Xamot and Tomax said as one as they worked at another computer.

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"Animal husbandry," Mindbender typed. "Genetic manipulation…"

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"Ornithology…" Blood Wing typed on a computer. "South American History. Experience in the supernatural. As well as soap opera writing."

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"Experience in larceny," Zartan typed. "Both grand and petty."

Zandar groaned. "As well as the fast food industry."

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"Experienced in working with the mentally challenged," The Baroness typed. "I mean how else would you describe the Dreadnoks?"

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"Oh! What about when we were a rock band?" Torch spoke up.

"Experience in the music industry," Buzzer typed. "Strong background in English."

"English?" Monkeywrench snapped.

"As in the language you're speaking now?" Buzzer gave him a look. "Besides that one's pretty standard. They never check that one."

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"Background in military history," Destro typed. "European history. And English."

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"Strong background in genetics, engineering," Mindbender typed. "And English. As a second language. Well technically third."

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"Strong backgrounds in aviation, English and barber college…" Wild Weasel typed on his computer. "I mean I was there for a couple weeks before I was kicked out for shaving the instructor's head bald. And setting him on fire."

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"Oh we set a lot of fires!" Ripper added. "And burned some things good!"

"That doesn't sound so professional," Buzzer remarked.

"Just put we blew up a lot of stuff in a lot of places all over the world," Monkeywrench spoke up.

"Ooh! We're well traveled!" Torch realized. "We can use that somewhere!"

"Caused destruction and mayhem on all seven continents," Buzzer typed. "Including Antarctica."

"That's good!" The other Dreadnoks agreed. "Real good! We're cooking now!"

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"I was in charge of that barbecue a while back…" Mindbender paused. "I'll just put cooking under special skills. I mean it's not always easy to cook failed experiments so…"

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"So, what's next?" Destro read what was on the website. "List accomplishments and citations. Not arrest warrants and legal citations. Apparently, that's another part of the form. Ah. Ran my own company for 19 plus years…"

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"Team leader for special operations," The Baroness typed. "Employee of the Month. They never check."

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"Employee of the Month…" Destro sighed as he typed. "Or at the very least I should have been!"

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"Employee of the month," Zartan typed.

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"Mad scientist of the month for several months," Mindbender typed. "It's not like they're going to check."

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"Mercenary team of the month," Buzzer typed. "Oh! And hot rock band to watch in the 80's! According to Tiger Beat."

"You know just looking at this on paper," Ripper remarked. "This makes us sound a lot better than I thought we were."

"Yeah, I had no idea we were this experienced," Monkeywrench admitted. "I think our market value has gone up!"

"Well, it couldn't have gotten any lower," Buzzer quipped. "Hang on. Are you blokes sure that this is a good idea? Posting a resume behind Cobra Commander's back?"

"And how is he going to find out?" Torch scoffed.

Meanwhile…

"Do these idiots not know that I regularly go on this website looking for new talent?" Cobra Commander shouted at his computer. "Not that I'm finding much here. In fact, most of the people here are either my own men or people I have worked with in the past!"

"And the ones that aren't…" Cobra Commander groaned. "Are mostly religious extremists. Forget it. I'm not touching those guys with a ten-foot pole. Suicide bombers result in too much paperwork."

"In fact, the only person not on here is…Crystal Ball? Him?"

Cobra Commander sighed. "So, the only person totally loyal to me is a spirit trapped in a crystal ball? Gods of the Underworld. That's both depressing and reassuring at the same time. On one hand…It's Crystal Ball. Yeah. Talk about scraping the bottom of the barrel."

"On the other hand…I guess it's nice to know that at least one of my subordinates won't completely desert me. Not like he has much of a choice. But you know? It's comforting in a weird way."

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"E-Bay profile," Crystal Ball used his psychic powers to type on a spare computer. "One magical crystal ball with spirit guide. Slightly used. In excellent condition if I do say so myself. Easy to care for. Forty plus years of spiritual guidance and connections from beyond the grave. Looking to sell to good home. Works well with either experienced magic users or beginners. Willing to negotiate for a good price and shipping costs."

"Okay. How much am I going to cost?" Crystal Ball paused. "Two hundred? Hmm…I don't want to price myself out of the market. But not too low either. I'll put one hundred. Yeah. I'm desperate enough to get out of here for a hundred bucks."

"Who am I kidding? I'm willing to settle for fifty bucks!"