Housemates, a Final Fantasy XV fanfic by Raberba girl

Part 7 (rough draft)

The police were pounding on the door downstairs. They'd come to evict Ignis and his flatmates for violating the lease with illegal pets.

"They're not pets, and they're NOT MINE!" Ignis cried as he ran around, grabbing cats and dumping them out the windows. It was a hopeless task - the house was stuffed with cats, so many that Ignis was literally wading through them, and though the open windows made it easy to expel cats, it also made it easy for the vermin to hop right back in. "Prompto, help me!"

But Prompto was curled up on the couch, crying and useless. "Gladio!" he sobbed. "Oh~ Gladio! Oh! Oh!"

"NOCTIS!" Ignis bellowed. "COME GET RID OF YOUR CATS BEFORE WE ALL END UP HOMELESS!"

"Unh," Noctis grunted defiantly, cuddling five cats in his arms with two more draped over his shoulders and a kitten perched on his head. "Unh. Unh."

"Useless, bloody-! I HATE YOU ALL!"

"It's so big! It's so big!" Prompto wept, meaning Ignis's increasing student loan debt. Ignis was never going to be able to pay it off, he'd be poor forever...

Thump, thump, thump, went the police at the door, rhythmic and relentless.

"Oh! Gladio!"

Speaking of whom, "GLADIOLUS," Ignis shouted. "Put some clothes on before the police get in, we have quite enough to worry about without you getting charged with indecency!"

"That's it," was the only answer, a barely-intelligible grunt from Gladiolus's room because Gladiolus was little better than a caveman. "You got it, hon, that's it, that's it, take it..."

"Does it LOOK like I have any control over the situation?!" Ignis shrieked, gesturing violently at the sea of cats. He could feel cat hairs and dandruff and mites in his lungs.

"Oh, yes, Gladio, almost, almost...!" Prompto's voice sounded strange, almost like a woman's.

Then suddenly Ignis blinked awake, extremely disoriented by the way the merciless thumping sounds from downstairs continued unbroken. He'd been...dreaming? But the police were still-?

"HUNGH," came an obscene masculine grunt from downstairs, then a woman's wordless shriek, followed by wild giggling nearly drowned out by the thumping.

Ignis shot up in bed, finally realizing what was happening. His entire body flooded with sheer outrage.

He stormed downstairs. Gladiolus's door was closed for what was probably the first time since he'd moved in, but it did little to muffle the sounds of what was clearly happening inside. Ignis wrenched open the door, and even though he should have expected the sight that greeted him, he still nearly gagged in disgust. Such activities ought to be done in private, not at top volume in a house with other people trying to mind their own business in it. "GLADIOLUS."

The female shrieked and stared at Ignis in horror, putting an arm over her ample bosom. Gladiolus, quite preoccupied at the moment, simply reached over without looking and slammed the door shut again.

Ignis stared at it in disbelief. "Gladiolus!" he demanded, knocking. The thumping sounds ceased for a moment and there was a brief exchange of words inside the bedroom, too low to make out. Then the thumping resumed, not quite as loudly but still audible through the door.

Ignis clenched his jaw and marched to the kitchen. He seized a bowl, filled it with cold water, then took it back to the bedroom, wrenched open the door, and flung the contents of the bowl over the copulating couple like they were a pair of noisy cats in an alley. As far as Ignis was concerned, they might has well have been; it was a similar sort of nuisance.

He wasn't quite prepared for the way Gladiolus surged up, eyes blazing with rage. Ignis rallied quickly, getting into a defensive stance and prepared to use the bowl as a weapon.

Gladiolus threw a punch; Ignis blocked it. A few more attempted blows later, Gladiolus gave up on violence and resorted to shouting, as if he thought he had a better chance of success with that tactic. Ignis shouted right back, stepping aside so that the spooked, now half-dressed woman could get to the front door. Ignis kept up with his side of the argument easily. There was no way he was going to let an uncouth neanderthal like Gladiolus win.

o.o.o

Prompto marveled at his friend. Noct was still asleep, cuddled up with two cats and barely even twitching. It was a real, actual talent to be able to peacefully sleep through all this.

Prompto had been awakened by what he soon realized was Gladio forcefully making love to a very appreciative-sounding lady. Prompto, blushing, had had to move away from Noctis and then get entirely out of bed; even with the door of Noct's room closed, the sounds were still loud enough that it was way too easy to visualize, in detail, what was happening in the little bedroom downstairs. Prompto probably ought to visit - or maybe even camp out in - the bathroom, but that would mean passing right by ground zero, and he wasn't sure he could handle that. Also, the bathroom shared a wall with Gladio's room.

Oh - there was Ignis. Prompto winced. He knew that he would be absolutely mortified if he was ever walked in on (not that he'd ever had a partner with whom to be walked in on...), but even after Ignis interrupted...Gladio just went right on going. Wow. Prompto really admired that confidence.

The stomping sounds of Ignis moving toward the kitchen clashed with the thumping of Gladio trying to finish off what he'd started in the bedroom. Prompto straightened up in alarm when, a minute later, he heard the Ignis-stomping head back in the direction of Gladio's room. Surely he wouldn't-?

The rhythmic pounding abruptly ceased, and there was a scream from the woman that was noticeably different than her earlier screams of ecstasy. What did- Did Ignis-?!

There were some violent sounds that made Prompto's heart pound with dismay, then both men were bellowing. Prompto cringed, wanting to be anywhere but in this house. He eyed the window. He could climb out onto the roof, maybe, but then getting to the ground from there would be a problem. Was it worth risking some bruises and a broken ankle to be able to escape until all this blew over?

...Noct was here, though. Prompto didn't feel right about leaving him in this volatile situation.

Both Ignis and Gladio sounded really, really angry. It was a good thing they were on an entirely different floor of the house, but Prompto still felt scared. He had very nearly made up his mind to shake Noct awake when Ignis's voice suddenly bellowed, "PROMPTO!"

Prompto scrambled to his feet, wondering wildly what he could have possibly done to warrant such attention. Why were they calling him?! Surely they weren't expecting him to go down there and present himself for slaughter? He hadn't done anything!

"PROMPTO, GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE," Gladio demanded, and his voice rattled the window.

Prompto panicked. He instinctively made half a leap for the window, but stumbled when he remembered Noct again. "Noct," he whispered, his throat tight. "Noct!"

He'd just knelt down beside the bed when he suddenly realized that pounding footsteps were now heading up the stairs. He reached out a trembling hand to shake Noct's shoulder, but Noct didn't move. Prompto shook a little harder. Noct, eyes still closed, batted his hand away, rolled over, and burrowed deeper into the blankets.

The bedroom door burst open. Prompto shot back to his feet and, despite the utter terror pulsing in his throat, staggered to get between Noct and the threat.

He barely even noticed that Gladio was naked, he was so fixated on the absolute fury in the older man's eyes. Gladio seized him by the collar and shoved him toward the door so roughly that his shirt tore. Gladio re-adjusted so that he was gripping flesh and propelled Prompto out the door and down the hall. By the time they got to the stairs, Prompto had to clutch the railing like a lifeline - as best he could while being relentlessly forced down the staircase, anyway - because he couldn't breathe. Gladio was going to freaking murder him and he didn't even have any idea why.

Ignis, a pillar of icy rage, barked, "Outside," and then Prompto was being steered across the house toward the back door. He couldn't breathe. Outside. They were going to take him apart and then bury him.

A warm, wet patch started to spread over his pants and when Prompto realized what he'd done, the enormity of his dismay actually distracted him from the terror. He kind of understood the epic beatdown he was about to suffer; even if he was clueless about the specific motivation in this specific moment, it was pretty much just the other shoe finally dropping. But pissing himself... It came out of nowhere. He was horrified. He was a disgusting, pathetic excuse for a human being and he could have taken the beating but why'd he have to wet his pants like a baby on top of that, it wasn't fair...!

He was so busy tearing himself apart in his mind, and feeling a little floaty when it came to his body, that it took him too long to realize that they hadn't quite made it outside before pausing for another argument. When his hearing stopped buzzing enough for him to perceive words, Gladio and Ignis were snarling something at each other about a phone.

"I insist!" Ignis thrust something into Prompto's hands. Prompto couldn't move them so good because of how hard Gladio was gripping his arms and also because his hands felt swollen and not entirely attached to him, but he managed to clutch the thing and not drop it.

Ignis stabbed a finger toward his face. Prompto was too frozen with mortification and fear to even flinch. "Record every second, and keep us in frame. I'm counting on you."

"Okay," Prompto said numbly. It slowly dawned on him that he was holding Ignis's phone. He was supposed to...record something...?

Ignis wrenched open the back door and Gladio drove Prompto through it before finally letting go. Prompto tried not to collapse. It was difficult. The only thing that stopped him from dropping the phone and running for his pathetic life was that Gladio and Ignis didn't seem to be paying attention to him anymore. They glared daggers at each other as they went out into the yard and took stances at either end of it. "Are you recording?" Ignis demanded, eyes fixed on Gladio.

Connections abruptly sizzled in Prompto's mind. "N-Not yet!" He fumbled with the phone, trying to pull up the right app and fix the settings to be able to get decent footage in low light. His hands were shaking so much that he had to brace the phone against a porch column to keep it steady. "O-Okay, we're rolling!" he choked out, still processing the reinterpretation of events. Gladio and Ignis weren't going to kill him after all. All their rage was for each other; the roughness toward Prompto was just unintentional overflow. They wanted him to be their...referee?

Prompto put as much effort as he could toward holding the camera steady. The fight, despite its impromptu nature and the fact that Ignis was in pajamas and Gladio was naked, was weirdly formal. Ignis was wielding a rather beautiful pair of knives that did not seem to be designed to use on food, and Gladio's martial arts moves looked professional. They danced back and forth like it was choreographed.

Prompto stood on the back patio in his urine-soaked pants, filming two beautiful angry people having what looked like an honest-to-God duel, and wondered how in the world this was his life.

o.o.o

Ignis actually won, the fucker.

Gladio was furious, but he couldn't deny that it had been a fair fight, even if the lead-up to it had been ludicrous. Gladio still thought that Ignis was a deranged control freak - Gladio hadn't expected Priscilla to be quite so loud, but that didn't justify Ignis barging in on their lovemaking to slap them with ice water.

Even so, the terms of the fight had been clear and Ignis, infuriatingly, had won it, so Gladio had to concede. He should have known better than to underestimate anyone; just because Ignis seemed to live for domestic pursuits and nagged like a shrewish housewife didn't mean he wasn't trained in combat, apparently. Those knives hadn't been half-bad, it was a shame they didn't have an owner worthy of them...

Gladio deliberately set aside those thoughts as he trudged back toward the house. For better or worse, it was over now; he'd lost the fight and therefore wasn't allowed to bring lovers to the rented house anymore.

Not that he'd planned to to begin with, but when they'd gotten to Priscilla's dorm after their date, it had already been claimed by her roommate for the same purpose, and Gladio's rented house had been closer than a hotel, and both of them had been too horny by then to want to search any further, and Gladio had intended to be quiet so as not to disturb his roommates. He had actually, with great effort, kept quiet, but he hadn't taken into account either the noise of the bed repeatedly hitting the wall or the possibility of Priscilla being so vocal until he was already too deep in to care.

This was just...ugh, this was all so stupid...

He was grudgingly roused out of his stewing by the sound of Ignis nattering on about something or other. Prompto was on the patio, looking fidgety and miserable as Ignis reviewed the footage, and Gladio felt a stab of guilt. He hadn't meant to...go after Prompto like that. He hadn't been thinking at all beyond pounding Ignis's face in and getting a witness to record proof of victory, so he'd...been unintentionally rough. He'd probably squeezed too hard, but Prompto was wearing long sleeves and he couldn't tell if there were bruises-

Gladio's thoughts slammed to a horrified halt. There was a wet patch on Prompto's pants, and a faint odor in the air-

Gladio yanked his eyes away the instant he registered what he was seeing, but now he felt sick with guilt. He'd worked so hard to earn the skittish freshman's trust. The Amicitia family dinner about a week ago hadn't been a resounding success, but it had been decent enough. Iris had had the good idea to eat out near the garden rather than inside in the formal dining room, and while Prompto had seemed shy around her and kind of terrified of Clarus, he'd seemed to click with both Hesters. Talcott was still, a week later, proudly showing off photos he took using some of the tricks Prompto taught him. In any case, the event had helped a bit - Prompto and Gladio weren't best friends now or anything, but Prompto had seemed to be a little more relaxed around him lately, less cautious.

Gladio had clearly just trashed all that progress, though. He'd terrified the poor kid so bad he'd pissed his pants, and now Prompto was back to flinching and edging away from him and refusing to meet his eyes. Damn it damn it damn it. Gladio didn't regret lashing out at Ignis one bit, but he was kicking himself now for what he'd done to Prompto. The kid would never trust him now.

Ignis looked up from the phone. "This will do. You have rather a-" There was an odd pause. "-good eye for framing," Ignis went on, his eyes suddenly very firmly on Prompto's face even though the blond was looking at the ground as he cringed away, and Gladio realized that Ignis must have noticed the wet patch, too. "Thank you for managing the phone for us, Prompto."

"You're welcome," Prompto said in a wheezing whisper.

'He wants to get out of here,' Gladio realized. Of course Prompto wanted to exit the situation as soon as possible; anyone would. And for Prompto in particular, there would be whatever agonizing personal Issues he had slathered over the more typical embarrassment. Gladio had to figure out some way to excuse Prompto to the bathroom to clean up without letting slip even the slightest indication that he had noticed the wet patch.

"Oi," he said roughly to Ignis. Come to think of it, Ignis, despite being an asshole, was being surprisingly decent to have not mentioned the wet patch, either. "Fine, you won, but I get to shower first."

Ignis instantly rounded on him. "And how does that make any sense at all in your underdeveloped brain?" he snapped.

Gladio grinned fiercely. This felt like a game, but Ignis was playing for real, which was totally fine by Gladio. "If your brain was working at all, you'd agree that whoever loses the fight gets the shower in compensation. Fair's fair."

"Oh, now you're so concerned about what's fair, as if it was fair for you to bother three other people with your disgusting sexual escapades-"

" 'Disgusting,' really? You that much of a prude?"

"It is not prudishness to point out that this house is not suitable for noisy trysts."

"You're just bitter because no one would fuck your virgin ass even if you begged." Untrue - Gladio could acknowledge a beautiful male body even if he wasn't personally attracted to it and knew there would be plenty of people happy to take Ignis to bed - but he was not about to admit that.

"Of all the vulgar-!"

"I don't have to put up with your prejudice!"

"It's not prejudiced to want my flatmates to show some basic consideration!" Ignis swept a hand toward Prompto, who'd been quietly edging away during the argument. Prompto froze. "You keep this up for long enough, and Prompto will have started and finished his shower before I've managed to make you see reason!"

Good. They really were on the same page. Gladio could grudgingly respect that, despite Ignis pissing him off in the process. "Let him! Better him than you!" He gestured impatiently at Prompto without really looking at him. "Go on, get. I've got an asshole to convince, and looks like it'll take a while."

"I'm not the pig-headed one here," Ignis scoffed, but gestured dismissively at Prompto as well. The blond scuttled inside without a word.

Gladio and Ignis stood tensely on the patio for a minute. Ignis looked at him, opened his mouth, blinked, then wrinkled his nose and said something that probably wasn't what he'd originally intended to say. "For heaven's sake, put some thrice-damned clothes on, Gladiolus."

Gladio rolled his eyes and stormed inside. He was really tired of hearing his full given name coming out of this asshole's mouth; Ignis made it sound like profanity.

He paused in the kitchen, though, as he heard Prompto rummaging around in the bathroom and was reminded about the important matter at hand. Ignis closed the door behind him, took a few steps away from Gladio, then crossed his arms. The two of them waited silently, and Gladio reflected on how weirdly in sync they had been about protecting Prompto from further embarrassment and helping him escape, even without any prior communication. It had worked out well this time, but he didn't like being so in tune with his archnemesis, even temporarily.

As soon as the shower water turned on, Ignis rounded on Gladio and hissed, "You scared him!"

"We both scared him," Gladio rumbled back, wrestling with guilt. "You think he's any happier when you're the one yelling at him?"

"At least I didn't manhandle the poor boy like a brute."

It was pretty hard to defend himself when the accusations were all true, but Gladio was not the only one who'd screwed up here, dammit. "We shouldn't have dragged him into this."

"Of the two of us, which is the one who literally dragged him?"

"I'm not saying I'm not at fault!" Gladio burst out in frustration. "But he's scared of you, too, you know! He hates it when you yell; haven't you noticed him cringing like a kicked puppy during your stupid household meetings?"

"At least I spend time with him, teach him some valuable life skills-"

"I took him to dinner last week! At my childhood home, with my family!"

"Your mansion, you mean? With your butler?" Ignis said coldly. "He's already so well-adjusted, I'm sure he greatly appreciated the reminder of his social class."

"It wasn't like that," Gladio said in frustration. "Believe it or not, I did think of that. We talked down Jared from a full course meal and we ate outside. I wore jeans."

Ignis shook his head. "Nevertheless, what he suffered just now is unacceptable. Frightening him to the point that..."

"I know," Gladio said roughly, even though Ignis had left the rest unsaid.

They were silent for a long moment. Then Gladio sighed. "We have to make it up to him."

Ignis exhaled and covered his face with one hand. "I'll cook him something lavish, with that glazed double-chocolate cake he liked. You'll pay for groceries."

"I dunno," Gladio said slowly. "He makes these comments sometimes... I don't know if he'd appreciate something like that, at least in the long run."

Ignis frowned. "What comments?"

"Like, how he keeps implying the three of us are all hot and he's the 'ugly one' - not that I think you or Noct are attractive at all, for the record." Even if Gladio was into guys, he would not be into assholes or lazy brats, no matter how conventionally handsome they were on the outside. "Objectively, though, you and Noct and I have the easy looks, even when we're being jerks. Prom's cute until he opens his mouth, but he's never gonna drum up the personality to back his looks as long as he keeps self-sabotaging, which I can see him doing every time he gives us more than a passing glance or eats."

Ignis was staring.

"Speaking of eating," Gladio went on, "he'll take energy bars or protein shakes, but one time I tried to give him a bag of cookies I didn't want and he said no because he'd already 'been bad,' talking about whatever dessert he'd made with you that day. And another time, I meant to order extra for dinner and bring it home for him, but I honestly forgot, and when I tried to apologize, he laughed it off said it's fine because he's been on a good streak since he came here and didn't want to break it. Like he's been skipping meals to lose weight - not on purpose, maybe, but I got the impression that he thinks there's an upside to missing meals."

Ignis was frowning into the distance now, like he was studying something invisible that he didn't like.

"I'll still feed him whenever I get the chance, obviously," Gladio said. "But my point is that it's easier to get him to take healthy stuff and small stuff. Presenting him with a feast and a fancy cake - I don't think he'd say no, but he'd kill himself with guilt afterward, and that's missing the whole point of what we're trying to do here."

"...Maybe your brain isn't underdeveloped after all," Ignis muttered. Gladio bristled a bit, but didn't have a chance to retort before Ignis straightened and said more decisively, "Something else, then. Perhaps clothes shopping - he's certainly in need of a new wardrobe. I could provide him with the expertise, and you with the financing."

"You seriously can't fit anything extra in your budget? I was thinking maybe we could go eat at that restaurant of his and tip him, like, 200 crowns."

"Why is your answer to everything to throw money at it?" Ignis said in disgust.

"That's not true," Gladio protested. His roommates didn't respond to his natural charm like normal people usually did, and he was limited in what he could do with violence outside the training hall. He didn't have much else to offer besides money. "I don't see you coming up with any better ideas! We can't take him shopping at places that probably wouldn't even let him in the door if he wasn't with us, rubbing his nose in fancy clothes he couldn't afford on his own. You were the one getting on my case for 'reminding him of his social class.' "

"I don't have money to spare, I apparently can't cook for him, and I'm already taking care of his clothes! My options are limited!"

Gladio rolled his eyes. He tried to think of services people could provide without investing any money beforehand, and the first thing that came to mind was no surprise, considering that he was still naked and smelled like Priscilla. He snapped his fingers as if having a breakthrough and said, "Got it: sexual favors."

"NO."

"It wouldn't cost us a dime," Gladio pointed out, trying not to smile.

"I will kick your arse in another duel, Gladiolus, if you carry out such activities under this roof again."

"Hah, you wish." Gladio refused to be taken by surprise again. "We could take him to a hotel." It was still partially a joke, but Gladio was starting to give it some serious consideration. He might not be attracted to men, but he was pretty sure he could service one under the right conditions.

"And do you think he'd appreciate sexual advances from people who terrified and humiliated him?"

That was sobering enough to kill the idea. "Well, what would he appreciate?" Gladio grinned vengefully as a thought occurred to him. "Ah, I know - not having to sleep on the couch or keep all his stuff in the broom closet. Why don't you lend him your bedroom for a week?"

"Absolutely not," Ignis practically hissed.

Gladio hadn't meant the idea entirely seriously, but Ignis's vehement refusal rubbed him the wrong way. "Really? Even after helping me terrify and humiliate him, you're not willing to make any sacrifices to make it up to him?"

Ignis growled and ran a hand through his hair. "What does he like? Perhaps we should consult Noctis." He frowned up at the ceiling, right where Noct's room was. "I can't believe that slugabed hasn't stirred during all this."

Gladio couldn't believe it, either. Noct's sleep schedule, despite being terrible, wasn't weird, but this wasn't the first time he hadn't been roused by a house-shaking ruckus. Gladio was starting to wonder if the guy had a legit medical condition.

"Video games," Ignis suddenly said, and Gladio felt like an idiot for not thinking of it sooner. "Prompto enjoys playing those infernal video games, does he not?"

"Yeah," Gladio said slowly. "So you're thinking we just buy whatever's on the top ten list and chuck it at him, or...?"

"There's a convention. I heard Noctis talking about it, I think there's promotional material somewhere in that rubbish heap he calls a bedroom. We could-" Ignis suddenly looked uncertain. "Perhaps we could...accompany Prompto to the event. In solidarity." He eyed Gladio as if expecting to get shot down.

Gladio, however, thought this was actually the best idea of the lot. "It could work," he said slowly. "We have to be all in, though - costumes, enthusiasm, all that, even if we don't care about the games themselves. Prompto has to feel like we're all having fun, not forcing us along against our will."

"I suppose I can manage that," Ignis said slowly. "I can offer to help with the costumes."

"I'll cover the cost of supplies."

"We'll ask Noctis for guidance, he knows more about this nonsense- That is, this is his area of expertise, so we should defer to him."

"Sounds like a plan," Gladio said.

Right on cue, the shower water shut off, and both of them jumped a little as if caught doing something illicit. Ignis narrowed his eyes. "Now that that's settled, for all that is holy, Gladiolus, put some damn clothes on."

"Fine," Gladio huffed. "Because you asked so nicely." He left the kitchen, walking in such a way as to deliberately flaunt his ass. He heard Ignis huff behind him and start banging pots and pans around.

o.o.o

Noct stared incredulously at the video Prompto was showing him. "Are you freaking serious?! I missed this?!"

"It was amazing," Prompto said breathlessly. "I was kinda too terrified to appreciate it at the time, but objectively? Amazing."

Noct hit the replay button. Ignis in his fancy silk pajamas, barefoot on the grass in the middle of the night and waving knives around like a madman; Gladio naked and trying to whale on him and epically failing. Both of them shouting insults both Shakespearean and childish, acting like complete morons, and Noct had missed it. "How did I sleep through this?!"

"I don't know how you slept through the sex, man; Gladio was literally shaking the house! I swear the lady was singing a couple of times!"

"This is crazy. This is crazy. And Ignis won the duel, so it'll never happen again."

"Probably a good thing," Prompto ventured. Noct looked at him, taking him in for the first time. Prompto was grinning, but he also seemed tired and hunched, his eyes shadowed.

There were fresh bruises on his arms.

"Yeah," Noct said slowly, "probably." Looked like he needed to have a little talk with his other roommates.

TBC