Dear Wendy,

So, I have a lot of explaining to do. Uh, where to start? There's a lot to fill you in on. First though, let me say this: I miss you so much it hurts. When you were kidnapped into the Green Realm, I had no clue what was going on…all I knew was that you were gone, and you took a part of me with you. I know that's really cheesy, but you already know I'm a dork, so why bother trying to be anything else, right? But seriously, I had finallygotten the girl of my dreams, and then those tree-looking assholes show up and are basically like: "Nope!" I did not appreciate that. I intend to write a strongly worded letter to their supervisor.

Sorry, I'm kind of doing a stream of consciousness writing thing, and my consciousness tends to be a bit sillier and more ADHDish than normal now that I'm… Sorry, getting ahead of myself. I want to try to do this in order.

Did you know Tad Strange is a god? I found that out the day after you were kidnapped. Yeah, WTFis right. Don't deny it, I know that was your first thought. Turns out the most normal guy in Gravity Falls is actually not even human. He's Puck/Pan/Robin Goodfellow… apparently he has a lot of different names. And he's like, on vacation from being a god or something. Likes to watch television. He's kind of a jackass.

Well, I suppose he's not thatbad. I mean, if it wasn't for him, I would still be in Gravity Falls, having a nervous breakdown. Thanks to him, I was able to come into the Green and find you. Of course, he turned me into half a goat for that to be able to happen. And a god. Sort of. I have, like, powers and stuff now. Which is cool. But apparently the goat legs and horns are kind of permanent. Oh… also, I'm physically seventeen years old now. I don't know how good of a look at me you got before I died, but I can grow facial hair!

Oh, and the dying thing… heh… yeah, I'm kind of embarrassed about that. Your little friend explained that you aren't really with antler dude—that you were just pretending to get engaged to buy time until you figure out how to rescue your mom. You found your mom! Holy crap, that's amazing! But yeah, back to the dying thing. I'm really sorry you had to see that. I was not aware that gods can kill other gods. I am now aware. Luckily I've made some influential friends since I've been in the Green, so I was given a do-over.

Sorry I went all jealousy kamikaze on your… guy with the antlers. I mean, dude did have his tongue halfway down your throat. It was a public service, what I did, stopping that kiss. No one needed to see that. Sorry. Jealousy again. I wish it was me kissing you like that. Okay, maybe less sloppy than that. I'm fully willing to demonstrate the type of kiss of which I speak when I finally see you again. If… that is to say… if you wantto see me again.

Listen, not to get all serious on you, but I hope you're still into me...and still want to be my girlfriend. Because I look a lot different now, I sound different… hell, my attitude and demeanor have begun changing. I guess you don't become a trickster god and stay the same old boring person you always were. Right now, for instance, I'm having a hard time suppressing urge to a) make silly, stupid puns; or b) talk about how much I need to be with you physically. Incidentally, did you know that satyrs represent, among other things, fertility and virility? Also, I now have the hormones of a seventeen year old. If I get too handsy when I finally see you, just smack me. I can take it.

Well, this letter has been super long, and I'm not sure I really succeeded in explaining anything to you. But your tiny friend is getting impatient with me. He keeps sighing and huffing. It's adorable. OH! I almost forgot—Grenda's here somewhere. She may, or may not have with her a surly, little bearded man who constantly talks about drinking. If you run into her (or them, I guess) try to help her out and make sure she's safe, okay? She's watched my back the whole way here, and I think I understand now why Mabel keeps her around. She's alright.

Please write back, or come visit me in the dungeon, or something. I need to know you don't hate me for getting myself killed right in front of you.

I love you.

Dipper

/

Wendy sat on her bed, her eyes bloodshot, and her hands shaking so badly that she had to set the letter down for fear of ripping it. He wasn't dead. He hadbeen, but wasn't anymore.

"Wendy?" called Grenda, through the closed antechamber door, "Are you okay?"

Wendy sniffed and wiped her eyes. She was a mess, but she was better than she'd been at any previous point in the day.

"I'm okay, Grenda," she called out. "You guys can come in here if you want."

The door opened, and Grenda walked in, Bork riding on top of her head. Bacon followed at her heels, with a sullen Cernunnos bringing up the rear.

"So," said Grenda. "Spill it. Was he really dead or what?"

Wendy nodded. "Apparently he's made some friends in high (or… low, I guess) places, because whatever god of the dead it was who collected his soul has allowed him a second chance."

Bacon grinned. "Good old Fenris," he said. "It does come in handy to be friends with the brother of Hel."

Cernunnos frowned. "That god-killer does not belong here. Isn't he supposed to be bound up in chains somewhere so he doesn't destroy the world?"

Bacon laughed and smacked his thigh. "How should I know? Do I look Norse to you?"

"Well, you—you were traveling with him," sputtered Cernunnos. "Don't you bother to get to know your traveling companions?"

"Hey Grenda, what's my name, first and last?"

"Bacon…Ostrich?"

Bacon patted Grenda's leg, and turned back to Cernunnos. "There's your answer. If you're still confused—that's not actually my name."

"But you said it was!" said Grenda, confused.

Bacon sighed. "It's close enough, darlin'."

"Ahem," coughed Wendy. "Cernunnos, you sound upset that my boyfriend, who youkilled, isn't dead."

"I—ah," Cernunnos sighed. "I just feel like it's cheating. I killed him fair and square. Being Lord of the Hunt, and all, I'm not particularly used to my prey resurrecting."

Wendy narrowed her eyes at the antlered man. "I've got three words for you, dude: Deal. With. It."

"Remember, Master Cernunnos, you gave up all claim to Wendy when she told you she loved another," spoke Bork from his perch atop Grenda's head.

"The wee man has it right," said Bacon. "Sounds like you were gettin' used to the idea that her boyfriend was dead, which made her 'fair game.' Could it be that the horny god got his hopes up?"

"Dude, not cool," said Grenda, as she crossed her arms and cracked her knuckles.

"It isn't like that!" protested Cernunnos. "If I had known who he was, I would never have killed him… even if he didlook intent on killing me. And although I do not approve of his resurrection, I will nonetheless still abide by what I said when first I learned of him. I was… overenthusiastic before, Wendy. I never meant to try and force myself on you."

Wendy scowled. "I still don't know if I believe you, but my mom seems to trust you—or at least she trusted the oldyou… and you seemed genuinely surprised when you found out that the Green Man is actually a pretty nasty dude." She glared at Cernunnos, her green eyes fierce. "If you say you're going to help us escape with my mother, I will put up with you. But if you so much as lookat my boyfriend the wrong way, I will gut you like a fish. Even if it was an accident or misunderstanding, I will never forget that you sexually assaulted me, and fucking killed my boyfriend right in front of me."

Cernunnos blanched, and nodded. He was used to women fawning over him, and had no experience at all with women who could not stand him. He had certainly never had a woman threaten him with bodily harm. He would not admit it, but he was actually fairly jealous of Dipper. Wendy was a spitfire.

Wendy sighed, and picked up the letter again. As she reread the last few lines, her stomach did flip-flops. She needed to see him, and soon.

"Bork, do you think there is any chance I'd be able to get down to the dungeons to see Dipper?" she asked.

The brownie shook his head. "I doubt anyone but the Green Man himself would be allowed down there—not because of Dipper, but on account of the dog. The only reason I was able to get to him is because there are passages in the walls that only us brownies know about."

"The—the dog?" asked Wendy, raising her brow. "Don't you mean the huge wolf?"

Bork shrugged. "He may have been a wolf earlier, but when I saw him in the cell, he was a dog. He was small enough to get out of the vines that bound him. He didn't seem particularly vicious, though."

Grenda's face split into a grin. "Fenris is a good dog," she said to no one in particular.

"Well, if I can't get down to see him, could you find me something to write with, and then take him a letter for me?" Wendy asked. "Please?"

"No problem," said the brownie, with a proud grin.

/

Dipper,

I have so much going on in my head right now that I don't know what to say. You followed me to another world to try and save me. Got yourself turned into a god/goat thing. It's overwhelming—but not in a bad way—don't think that!

I knew you cared for me, but I guess I didn't know how deeply you cared. I mean, Christmas Eve was amazing (up until the point I got kidnapped), but it was also really physical. And don't get me wrong, I enjoyed every second of it. Like, I think we should do a reenactment when we finally get home. But I guess I didn't realize the reason it was so intense isn't because you just wanted my body—you wanted me. Wendy Corduroy. The person. You know I've dated guys before you. I never let things get very far with any of them, because I felt like all they wanted was my body, and my face… but not me. You're different.

As far as whether or not I'll still want you, now that you've had some adjustments and enhancements? Don't be a dork. Yeah, you have a serious case of Gomper's ass, but I can learn to live with that. And as for the rest of you…well, what I could see that wasn't covered in dirt or blood, at least… I was attracted to you before, but damn, Dip. You grew up into a hottie. And hell, I'm part tree, dude. We're, like, made for each other, right?

The dying thing. Don't do it again, okay? That was a pretty dumbass move, running at Cernunnos like that. And when I realized who you were, and that you were dead… I kind of mentally shattered. The thought that you had come so far to find me, and then saw me kissing someone else… and that being the last thing you saw…that you died thinking I didn't love you… Dammit, I'm crying right now thinking about it again. Just—no more dying. It's not allowed. That's a rule now.

Bork told me he explained the whole fake betrothal thing to you. Believe me, I wish it wasn't necessary, but until we can figure out a way to de-tree my mom, I have to pretend that I'm happily engaged to him. I told him no more kissing, though. If he tries it again I'll bite his tongue.

Now, on top of the un-birchening of my mother, we have to try and get you and your dog out of the dungeon. Your small, surly friend, Bacon, says you're both gods—do god magic and get out. I don't know how any of that works. He also says maybe your god magic can help my mom? Grenda says hi. And to pet the dog for her. Cernunnos says sorry for killing you.

Well, my hand is cramping up from all this writing, so I'm going to go. Just remember—I love you, goat ass and all.

Love,

Wendy

/

Bork and Fenris looked on as Dipper re-read Wendy's letter for the third time. He leaned his head back against the cold, stone wall, and closed his eyes; a single tear clearing a path through the layers of grime on his face.

Fenris pawed at Dipper's leg. Well, don't keep me in suspense—what did she say?

"She said she still loves me, even if I do have a goat's ass," said Dipper, with a watery chuckle. "And that I'm not allowed to get killed again."

That's a good rule. I think you should listen to her.

"Yeah, I plan on it. No offense—your sister was lovely—but I don't fancy visiting her again any time soon," said Dipper. "Oh, also, Grenda wants me to pet you for her." He reached his hand out and laughed as Fenris backed away.

I'm not sure your troll-kin friend understands that I am not just anydog.

Dipper shrugged. "So you don't want me to scratch behind your ears, then?"

Fenris wagged his tail slowly, sweeping dust across the dungeon floor. Uh, actually… now that you mention it… there is a spot behind my left ear that I just can't seem to reach.

Dipper grinned and shook his head. "Come here, Fido." He scratched the spot that Fenris had indicated.

Fenris' tongue lolled out the side of his mouth, and one of his hind legs began involuntarily thumping the ground. Oh yeah, right there… that's the spot.

Dipper retracted his hand. "Dude. You're making it weird."

Fenris pounced on Dipper, putting his two front paws on Dipper's shoulders, and gave his cheek a single, sloppy lick. No, thatmade it weird.

"Yuck," said Dipper, wiping dog slobber off his cheek. "You know, you're acting quite a bit less stoic than you were when you first started talking in my head."

Yeah. Sorry if it's weirding you out. The longer I stay in the form of a particular creature, the more like that creature I start to behave. I've been masquerading as a dog for a while now… except for during our little fight earlier. Dogs, it turns out, are silly creatures.

Dipper smiled. "Mabel would love you."

She's your sister, yeah?

"Ahem." Bork stood next to the door, his arms folded across his chest. "It is nearing midnight, and Wendy needs her sleep, whether she admits it or not. I know she will not go to bed without hearing back from you, so would you kindly write her a note? I'd like be on my way."

"Oh, yeah, totally," said Dipper, conjuring another piece of paper and pen. "Sorry, little man."

Bork huffed and looked down, smiling to himself. He liked Wendy and her friends. They treated him like a person.

After a few minutes, Dipper handed Bork the folded piece of paper.

"Tell her I said to sleep well," he said to the brownie, who saluted him, and squeezed back through the bars in the cell door.

Dipper yawned, and rubbed his eyes. "We should probably get some shut-eye too. I'm going to try and magic up a sleeping bag… Do you want me to make you, like, a dog bed or something?"

No thanks. I don't require much sleep. You get some rest, though.

"'Kay," said Dipper, sliding himself into the plush, goose-down filled mummy bag that had appeared before him. "I'm getting good at this magic stuff," he mumbled to himself, as he drifted off to sleep.

/

Dear Wendy,

Of course I want all of you. You're smart, strong, funny, the coolest person I know, a great listener, generous, kind, and you make some kick-ass homemade pizza. The fact that you are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, andan amazing kisser is just icing on the cake. The very sexy cake. Above all else, though—you're my best friend. I can't nothave you in my life. I love you more than Mabel loves glitter. (That's a whole fucking lot).

Now onto the last bit of your letter. You said Bacon suggested I use god magic to get out of the dungeon, as well as to try and free your mother. It's true that I do have powers now, and they seem to be growing stronger every day… But I'm gonna be straight up with you. I really have no idea what the hell I'm doing. Only a day ago was I able to actually start conjuring things successfully, and it still doesn't always work quite right. I've only done one glamour to date, although it was pretty funny. I turned a troll into a pretty princess. Remind me to tell you that story sometime.

Basically, what I'm saying, is I don't know if my magic will be able to help. I'm not sure what I could do. I'm going to sleep on it—try and think outside the box, and maybe come up with an idea or plan of some kind. I didn't realize how exhausted I was until Bork reminded me that it's close to midnight. I got a bit disoriented, what with traveling to Helheim and back.

Don't worry about writing me back tonight. You've had a rough day, and should get some rest. Just send Bork back down with a reply tomorrow morning. Tell Grenda I petted Fenris for her. And as always—I love you, Wendy.

Love,

Dipper

/

Wendy smiled so wide while reading the first paragraph of Dipper's reply that her cheeks started to ache.

"Now that you've heard back, will you try and get some sleep?" asked Bork.

His question was nearly drowned out by Grenda and Bacon snoring a throaty duet. Grenda had fallen asleep on the end of Wendy's big bed, while Bacon was passed out, curled up like a cat, in an overstuffed chair in the corner. Cernunnos had retreated to his rooms, promising to rejoin them on the morrow.

"Fine," said Wendy, stretching luxuriously and yawning. "Morning can't come soon enough."

/

Dipper tossed and turned throughout the night. His dreams were a jumble of vivid images.

Hel and Wendy sitting at a card table playing a game of Battleship. Mabel riding a hippopotamus-sized Waddles, careening through the woods at a gallop. Fenrir leaping at the Green Man. Two hands, bound in green ribbon. Bacon grinning, toasting with a mug of ale. Dipper looking in a mirror, seeing himself as a human. A swarm of insects rising out of the forest. Fenris chasing his tail. Tad Strange pointing and laughing. The wooden palace, rotting from the inside out.

Dipper sat up, suddenly wide awake. Grinning maniacally, he rubbed his hands together.

Fenris twitched an ear back. You're up earlier than I expected. What's up?

"I know," said Dipper, chuckling. "I know how I'm going to get us out of here, andsave Wendy's mom."