Dear Dipper,

I can't sleep. Believe me, I've tried. Bork said he wouldn't deliver my reply to you until morning anyway, because he wants me to rest… but every part of me feels electric. Like—you're here. You're alive. You love me. You're literally in the same building as me. If I thought I could sneak past the Green Guard, I'd be down there right now.

I don't claim to understand how life or death work, but I swear we must have been lovers in a past life. That's the only way that I can comprehend how the mere thought of you sets every one of my nerves to singing. Oh, and if that's not enough—you know how each dryad has a tree they represent? Think of it like a soul tree. Yeah, mine is a Sugar Pine. I guess that makes you my Sugar, Pines. (Bwahahaha! That was awful, sorry!)

I hope you're able to figure out your magic stuff soon, dude. I miss your face. And this pretty princess troll glamour you did? Yeah, that is a story I definitelyneed to hear.

I love you,

Wendy

/

Dipper grinned like an idiot. Wendy's soul tree was a sugar pine. And that pun!

What'd she say this time?asked Fenris. You look… funny.

"Your mom looks funny," muttered Dipper.

You have no idea how accurate that statement is.

"I…should probably study more mythology," said Dipper. Fenris nodded.

"Anyway, she didn't really say anything that you'd be interested in," said Dipper with a shrug. "She mostly just talked about how awesome I am."

You're right, I wouldn't be interested in that.

"Do you have a reply for my mistress?" asked Bork, from the corner of the room.

"Oh, yeah, man," said Dipper. "Sorry, Bork—you're so quiet and little, I sometimes forget you're here. I don't mean to overlook you!"

Bork smiled sadly. "We brownies are actually employed here becausewe are so easy to overlook. To those who live here, we become part of the background." He sighed. "They prefer it that way."

"Well, we'll make sure you don't get overlooked when we get home," promised Dipper.

"Home?" asked Bork, confused.

"You're coming with us, dude. You're a friend of Wendy's. Plus, with all the help you've given us, I don't want to leave you behind and have you get in trouble on account of us." Dipper paused, taking in the brownie's trembling lower lip. "I mean, we won't kidnap you, or anything, if you really don't want to come… I just assumed…"

"You want me to come home with you?" asked Bork, wiping away a tear that had slipped down his cheek. "As…as a friend? Not as a servant?"

Dipper nodded, befuddled by Bork's tears.

"Wendy, and now you, have shown me more kindness in the past week than I've known in my entire life," said Bork, his voice quavering. "I…I would love to go home with you."

Dipper grinned, as he conjured himself a pen and paper to write his reply to Wendy. "Glad to hear it, little man."

Ahem.

Dipper looked up from his writing. "What, Fenris?"

Aren't you going to ask your favorite four-legged friend if he would like to accompany you to your home, as well?

"Dude, you're a god. I figured you just go back to your home realm, or really, anywhere you wanted," said Dipper, looking back down and continuing to write.

Yeah, about you needing to study more mythology? This is another conversation in which knowledge about the Norse pantheon would be enlightening for you. Let's just say I really don't want to go back to my previous living situation. And yeah, I probably could go wherever I wanted...but it's still nice to be invited.

Dipper sighed and looked back up at Fenris, who was giving his best puppy dog eyes.

"Oh, good grief. Fenris, would you like to come home with us, too?" he asked.

Fenris flicked an ear back, and yawned lazily. I'll think about it.

Dipper rolled his eyes. "Right then. Now shut up so I can get this written. The sooner everyone is on the same page, the sooner I can put my plan into place and get us out of here."

/

Dear Wendy,

That Sugar Pines pun? It was so bad it hurt—but never apologize for a bad pun! That's the bestkind of pun. If a pun makes people physically cringe, you're doing it right. You're awesome. Punderful, even! (Ha!).

I'm going to keep this note short, because I had my brilliant epiphany overnight, and I need to write a separate letter to your dear grandfather, which I'd like you to deliver to him as soon as possible.

Basically, I'm going to threaten that bad things will happen to him if he refuses to let us and your mother go. I can't tell you what bad things, because I want you to have plausible deniability. But rest assured, I'm not bluffing.

I hope that my plan works, and I can get us out of this. I need to see you again, and hold you. Because Wendy, you are worth all this. I'd do anything for you.

I love you and will hopefully be seeing you soon!

Dipper

/

Wendy stared down thoughtfully at the folded note clutched in Bork's outstretched hand. She reached forward and plucked it from his grasp, smiling at Dipper's messy scrawl on the outside of the note.

To: The Green Man

From: The New God in Town

"Dipper has a plan," she said softly to Grenda and Bacon, who were waiting to hear about the contents of the missive from her boyfriend that she had just finished reading. "He's threatening to do something bad to the Green Man if he won't let us go… but he won't tell me what. Plausible deniability, he says."

"That makes sense," said Bacon. "He doesn't want ye complicit in the plan, just in case things take a spin in the wrong direction and he does naught but piss yer granddaddy off."

Grenda looked sideways at Bacon. "Are you even speaking English?"

Bacon grinned. "Too many big words, darlin'?"

Grenda punched the clurichaun in the shoulder. "Shut up."

"Ow!" Bacon screeched. He rubbed his shoulder tenderly. "That's gonna leave a bruise."

A sharp knock at Wendy's chamber door made the group jump. Before Bork could reach it, the door creaked open and Cernunnos popped his head in.

"Good morning, all," he said, nodding curtly. "Wendy, may I have a private word?"

"Actually, I was getting ready to head to the main court, if you want to walk with me," said Wendy, smoothing out imaginary wrinkles in the skirt of her emerald colored velvet gown. "I have a delivery for gramps, courtesy of Dipper."

As she stepped toward the door, she felt a tug at her skirt. She smiled down at Bork. "You better stay here with Grenda and Bacon, buddy. I have a feeling the Green Man is not going to be happy with whatever is in this note, and I know you're not fond of him even when he's in a good mood."

"This is true," commented Bork, as he stepped back so that Wendy could get past him.

Just as she reached the doorway, she paused and turned to her friends, her confident smile wavering slightly.

"I don't plan to be gone too long. If I'm gone more than a couple hours, assume that to be a bad thing, and leave." Grenda opened her mouth to protest, but Wendy cut her off. "No, I'm serious. Bork, take them out a back way, and get somewhere safe. All threeyou," she added, looking Bork directly in the eye. "No heroics. I mean it."

Three heads sullenly nodded in agreement. Wendy smiled, and fluttered her fingers at them, as she pulled the door shut behind her.

As soon as he was sure Wendy was out of earshot, Bacon grinned, and with his fists on his hips, said, "So, uh, not to jinx her or anything, but if she's not back in two hours…yes, heroics?"

Bork nodded, a rebellious gleam in his eyes.

Grenda chuckled. "Definitely."

/

"You said you wanted a private word?" encouraged Wendy, as she walked through the winding corridors of the palace side-by-side with Cernunnos, who seemed lost in thought.

"Oh, yes," the antlered god nodded. "But first—have you read the note you're about to deliver to the Green Man?"

"No," said Wendy. "Dipper doesn't want me to know his plan, in case it backfires or something, I guess."

"I see," said Cernunnos. "May I read it before we deliver it? I would like to know if Dipper has outed the fact that you and I are not really a couple, so I can prepare for the level of wrath your boyfriend would bring upon us."

Wendy stopped in her tracks, her arms crossed. "Dude, what's with the hostility? You say you're on our side, but you keep giving me weird vibes."

Cernunnos turned to face her, his cheeks flushed. "You won't like what I have to say, but please hear me out without interruption. Will you give me that, at least?"

"Sure, why not?" said Wendy testily, her eyes narrowed.

Cernunnos took a deep breath. "I don't like the company your boyfriend keeps. Not the two in your rooms, they're fine. Well, the girl is. That clurichaun seems…off, somehow." He shook his head. "But I'm getting sidetracked. I'm talking about Fenrir. The great wolf. He should not be in the Green Realm. He is not even in our pantheon. And he is a god killer."

Wendy snorted, and arched an eyebrow at Cernunnos, but kept her mouth closed.

"Yes, I'm aware of the irony of that statement," said the god wryly, "but he is prophesied to actually bring about the apocalypse. I don't know how or why he would have joined forces with Dipper, but he is bad news. The fact that he seems so loyal to your boyfriend makes me question your boyfriend's motives, intentions, and character."

Wendy stared at Cernunnos, her arms still crossed, and her face blank. He stared back.

"Oh, sorry, am I allowed to talk now?" she asked, her tone biting. Cernunnos nodded, his mouth a thin line.

"Frankly," spat Wendy, "after you nearly raped me, I find it hilarious that youwould question my boyfriend's motives, intentions, and character. Not in the 'ha ha' sense, of course. More like I think you're ridiculous and hypocritical as all hell, and it's hilarious that you think youare on the moral high ground here. Because you are so not."

Cernunnos opened his mouth, but Wendy shushed him.

"No sir, you shut your mouth. You are going to give me the same courtesy I gave you, and hear me out." Her voice was shaking from anger. "Dipper Pines is the best, most decent person I know. I felt that way about him even before we started dating. If he likes Fenrir—and if he trusts him—that is good enough for me." Wendy smirked. "In fact, I'm glad they're friends. Bacon told me that Fenrir's influence is probably the reason Dipper was allowed to come back from the dead. Maybe that's the real reason you don't like him, hmm? Because if it weren't for him, Dipper would be dead, and I would have fallen, grief-stricken, into your waiting arms?"

Cernunnos opened and closed his mouth several times, before finding his voice. "How dareyou," he said low, completely incensed. "To suggest that I—"

"You know what? Save it," interrupted Wendy. "I'm tired of dealing with you. I don't need your help. I'm going to deliver this note to the Green Man, and you are notgoing to follow me."

She turned on her heel so quickly that her hair, in its single, thick braid, slapped Cernunnos across the face like a whip. Without a backward glance, Wendy strode toward the main court entrance, leaving the flabbergasted Lord of the Hunt in her wake.

/

Wendy was so over standing on ceremony with the Green Man. She didn't wait for the dwarf to announce her arrival, and she pushed past the line of dryads, nature spirits, and lesser gods who were all waiting for a turn to gain the Green Man's ear.

The Green Man's eyes widened with surprise, and he smiled toothily as he noticed her approaching the throne.

"My dear Wyn Dahlia, I am so very glad to see you well. You gave us all quite a scare with your hysterics after the attack last night. I was worried you were wounded somehow, but Cernunnos assured me that you were simply overwhelmed, having never seen someone killed before." He smiled patronizingly. "Do you want to talk about that young satyr's death?"

The corner of Wendy's mouth twitched upward in a wry half-smile.

"Actually, yes, I'd like to talk about it." She held out the note to him. "He requested that I deliver this to you."

The Green Man grabbed the paper from Wendy, and squinted at Dipper's nearly illegible scrawl addressing it to him.

"What is this nonsense? New god?" he grumbled, as he opened the note.

"Yeah, turns out he didn't stay dead," said Wendy, unable to hide the glee from her voice.

The Green Man's eyes scanned the page, his frown deepening. After reading the entirety of the message, he jerked his head up and glared at Wendy.

"Wyn Dahlia, you are to return to your quarters. Now." He snapped his fingers, and two of the Green Guard were immediately standing elbow to elbow with Wendy. "Please escort my granddaughter to her chambers, and do not let anybodyin or out. Remain there until given further orders."

The Green Guardsmen both nodded, and grasped Wendy's arms. As they led her away, Wendy gave her grandfather one last glance, and smiled at him coldly. She wasn't sure what Dipper had said in his note, but it sure had gotten under grandpa's wrinkly, green skin.

/

Dear The Green Man,

First off, is it "TheGreen Man," or just "Green Man"? Because writing "Dear The Green Man" just looks funny. But I guess "Green Man" could mean any green man. I doubt there are many green men around. What kind of name is that, anyway? It's a description, more than anything. Do you have an actual name? You know what? I'm just going to call you Harold.

Hi Harold. I'm Dipper Pines. You may know me as the god of mischief who bled all over your floor last night. I'm half goat, too, if the bleeding doesn't jog your memory. There was a lot of blood, though, so I bet you remember me. Sorry about that, by the way. I was kind of busy dying, so I didn't really think of the mess I was making. Honestly, if we're doing the blame game, while yes, I wasthe one doing the bleeding, the antler dude who'd been sloppy-kissing your granddaughter is the real bad guy here. I totally wouldn't have bled out like that if he hadn't shot me. Twice.

Anyway, Harold… the whole dying thing is a bit embarrassing. You see, I'm kind of a noob at this, and I didn't know all the "god rules" or whatever. My mentor failed to mention that I could be killed by another god. He was in a hurry. I think the season finale of his favorite show was about to come on? He was pretty anxious to skedaddle after engoddening goddenizing turning me into his replacement.

Luckily my good friend Fenrir (I'm certainyou remember him) pulled some strings, and got the whole death thing undid for me. Hel of a nice guy, he is. (See what I did there?)

Okay, Harold. Now that you know who I am, and why I'm not dead, I can fill you in on my reason for writing you this little letter. See, your granddaughter, the pretty redhead? A little birdie told me you kidnapped her from the Mundane Realm, and she'd really prefer to not be here. Incidentally, the same little birdie told me that you actually kidnapped your own daughter, her mother, six years ago, and are keeping her trapped in a tree. Or as a tree? That part wasn't exactly clear.

Now, I'm going to go out on a limb here (tree pun, get it?!) and say you probably don't have any intention of letting either of them go. In fact, I hear tell that you've arranged for your granddaughter to marry the guy what killed me. That is really not okay. The arranged marriage thing, I mean. If it was her choice to marry Bambi's dad, I'd say it was a poor life decision, but I wouldn't stand in the way. Because (and I know you're a god, and king of this realm or whatever, so this might be news to you)—this isn't the bronze age any more. Women these days have their own autonomy. They belong to no one but themselves. They are not simply the property of the men in their lives. I know you're like, incredibly old-school, but you're on the wrong side of history, Harold.

Here's what I propose. You let your daughter, granddaughter, myself, and my companions all go free. You let us leave unharmed, to return to the Mundane Realm. We'll leave you alone, you'll leave us alone. It'll be fantastic.

Should you come to the regrettable decision to keep us captive, I'm afraid I'll be forced to make a bit of mischief you won't like.

This is an awfully nice palace you have here. Grown out of living wood, correct? Yeah, it'd be a real shame if something happened to it. Like a swarm of termites.

You know where I am if you want to discuss this further, Harold.

Make good choices.

Dipper

/

Termites? That's your coup de grâce?Fenris cocked his head to the side, and eyed Dipper warily.

"Oh no, they're just the beginning—if Harold chooses to be stubborn, that is," said Dipper with a grin, mischief practically oozing from his pores.

Fenris flopped down onto the cool stone floor. Harold? You know what, I'm not even going to ask. You do you, Dipper. He heaved a great sigh, and laid his head on his paws. How long has it been? Do you think he'd have the balls to just completely ignore you?

Dipper stretched and scratched the back of his head. "I dunno, man. You've been a god for like…ever. You'd know better than I would about the testicular fortitude of the gods."

That's just it, though, said Fenris. Gods are unpredictable by their very nature. When you have the kind of power we have, it's easy to take things for granted, and just follow whatever whims you happen to get.

Dipper laughed. "Kind of like Puck did when he made me his protégé, and then left without giving me vital information, or teaching me to use my powers—because he didn't want to miss the start of his program?"

Fenris snorted. Exactly like that.

Dipper was about to reply, but stopped when he heard the clank of keys, and the muffled creak of the ancient wooden door at the top of the dungeon stairs being opened.

Fenris stood and his hackles rose, as he stared tensely at their cell door. Dipper leaned against the wall, trying to strike a relaxed pose, even though his heart felt like it was about to beat right through his ribcage.

The slow, thudding steps of what sounded like multiple people echoed down the hall.

Dipper took a deep breath, and exhaled, trying to calm himself, as half a dozen Green Guardsmen walked into view through the bars of the cell door.

"Dipper Pines, the Green Man requests your presence," said the leader of the group. "Turn around, and place your hands behind your back, through the bars here. You must be bound in order to approach him."

"Uh," said Dipper, looking to Fenris for guidance.

Do it, said Fenris in Dipper's mind alone.They use vines in place of chains or manacles. Easy enough to get out of.

Dipper shrugged, and turned his back to the door, placing his hands behind him, and thrusting them through a gap between the bars. He was hit with a jolt of regret as he felt cool metal encircle his wrists, and heard the soft click of two locks.

"Uh," he said again, in a slightly more panicked tone.

Well, shit, said Fenris.

"Turn around," commanded the guard who had previously spoken.

As Dipper turned, he heard the footsteps of another person joining the party.

"Ah, Master Cernunnos, you are just in time," said the guard, sounding pleased.

Dipper jerked his head up, his eyes wide. The Lord of the Hunt stood in front of the cell, his bow nocked with a deadly looking arrow, aimed straight at Dipper's heart. Cernunnos stared at his adversary with no hint of emotion in his face, and then turned, so that his arrow was aimed at Fenris.

Fenris whined and backed up against the wall of the cell.

"What are you doing?!" cried Dipper, finally able to find his voice.

Without taking his eyes off Fenris, Cernunnos replied. "The Green Man requests to see you alone. I am here to make sure this filthy animal doesn't try and attack as we take you from your cell. Although," he said, his eye twitching slightly, "I hope he does. In order to try and avoid an incident with the other pantheons, I am not permitted to kill the beast outright. However, if he attacks, I will have no choice but to defend myself and those in my protection."

Fenris whimpered and seemed to shrink into himself.

"It's okay, buddy," said Dipper, softly. "Just stay here for now. I'll come get you as soon as I can."

A guard unlocked the cell door, and let Dipper pass. As he was prodded up the stairs, Dipper turned once to look back. Cernunnos had lowered his bow, but was standing in front of the cell, staring at Fenris with absolute loathing.

This was not the outcome Dipper had hoped for. Wendy and Bork had seemed convinced that Cernunnos was on their side. Apparently they were mistaken.

/

Dipper was brought to a large courtyard at the center of the palace. The Green Guard led him through a small copse of trees, along a path next to a happily bubbling stream. When they reached a clearing, Dipper saw the Green Man waiting for him, standing in the shade of a tall birch tree.

"Thank you, men. You are dismissed," said the old god, in a deep, resounding baritone. He raised one of his larger vines, and used it like a hand to beckon to someone behind Dipper. "Cernunnos, please remain with us." Dipper turned to look, surprised. He hadn't realized that the Lord of the Hunt had followed them. It made him feel slightly better to know that he wasn't still down in the dungeon, waiting for a chance to kill Fenris.

As the Green Guard melted back into the trees, Cernunnos strode forward, and stood on the other side of the birch tree. He was facing Dipper, although he stared straight ahead, seemingly trying to avoid eye contact with him.

The Green Man's smile was cold, and his eyes hard. "Dipper Pines. The newest god of mischief. We meet at last."

Dipper nodded. "Harold."

The Green Man scowled. "Under normal circumstances, I'd lecture you about using proper names, and having respect for your elders. However, these are not normal circumstances, are they?"

"I've been a god for like, a week," said Dipper, chuckling. "I've already died once. I've been hanging out with the Norse god of destruction, which apparently is frowned upon. I clearly have no idea what normal circumstances even are here, Harold."

"Yes," nodded the Green Man. "I gather your mentor did a rather shoddy job of explaining how things work for gods, and in the Otherworld. It seems he just thrust you into godhood, and sent you on your merry way? Was it he who told you to come after me and my family, then?"

Dipper snorted. "No, I had already—" He clamped his mouth shut midsentence. He felt the blood leave his cheeks, as he realized what he had almost revealed. He didn't want the Green Man to know of his relationship with Wendy. He had a feeling that if the elder god knew about it, he would use it against them somehow.

The Green Man cocked his head to the side and narrowed his eyes. "You had already what, exactly?"

"I, uh, really hate the color green," said Dipper, making it up as he went. "When I was reading a book on mythology one day, I learned that there was an actual Green Man. I told myself, 'Dipper, old chap, if ever you have the opportunity to become a god, you need to go make the Green Man's life hell.'"

Dipper saw movement out of the corner of his eye, and glanced over at Cernunnos. The movement Dipper had seen was him facepalming.

"Your mentor truly diddo you a disservice, Dipper Pines." The Green Man chuckled darkly. "You are an abysmalliar."

Dipper shrugged, and looked down at his stomach. "I have great abs now, though, so I guess I can forgive him."

The Green Man frowned, as he muttered "You're just like him in your propensity to be completely irreverent, at least." He then shook his head. "Enough of this. Down to business."

"And what business is that, Harold?" asked Dipper. "Seeing as you still have me in irons, the business is probably not going to be favorable to me, am I right?"

"Actually, I think my proposal to you is more than fair—especially for someone who has made terroristic threats against my palace," said the Green Man.

"Proposal?" Dipper smirked. "I'm really flattered, Harold, but you're just not my type."

The Green Man had had enough. "That's not what I mean, and you very well know it!" he barked. As an afterthought he added "And stopcalling me Harold!"

Dipper heard a choking sound, and flicked his eyes over to rest on Cernunnos. Antler dude was trying desperately not to laugh. Dipper had no idea what to think of the Lord of the Hunt. His loathing for Fenris down in the dungeon had certainly been real, but he had apparently not told the Green Man that Wendy and Dipper were a couple, as the old god seemed unaware of the fact. Whose side was he on?

"The dealI am prepared to offer you," emphasized the Green Man, oblivious to the muffled giggles coming from the direction of Cernunnos, "is this: If you swear not to release a swarm of termites on my palace (which is a living organism, by the way), I will allow for the release of you, and your companions. Well, two of them. I am planning to have some of my Norse brethren come collect Fenrir. He is too dangerous to be allowed to roam free. But you and the companions you arrived with, which I've been told have holed up in Wyn Dahlia's chambers with her, will be granted safe passage back to the Mundane Realm—once you swear an oath that you will leave me and my family in peace, and never return to the Green Realm. What say you?"

Dipper shook his head in mock sadness. "Oh, Harold. You had your chance. I wasn't bluffing. I say: termites."

As soon as he said the word, the sky darkened, as a swarm of termites so thick it nearly blotted out the sun descended upon the palace. The Green Man's face was a mask of horror.

"They're going to stick to the outer walls of the palace for now," called Dipper loudly, over the hum of the insects. "But the longer you hold me, my companions includingFenrir, and Wendy and her mother captive, the more they will consume. So, you know, you should probably think about letting us go. Soon."

"Wyn Dahlia and Beithe are myfamily!" shouted the Green Man. His vines were flailing wildly in his anger. "They belong here with me! Whydo you insist on taking them from me? Why is it so important to you?!"

Dipper opened his mouth to speak, but was beaten to it by Cernunnos.

"Oh, for the love of all things holy—do you really not see it?" he cried, staring at the Green Man in disbelief. "He's been sleeping with your granddaughter! They're lovers!"

"WHAT?!" Dipper and the Green Man shouted simultaneously. For a brief second, Dipper thought he saw a pair of angry green eyes glaring at him from the trunk of the birch tree. He blinked, and when he looked again, they were gone.

"HOW DARE YOU SULLY MY GRANDDAUGHTER'S PURITY!" screeched the Green Man, as his vines shot out at Dipper, and began winding around the satyr's legs and torso. They were uncomfortably tight, and working toward his neck.

"Woah there, Harold," Dipper said, with an awkward laugh. "I'm not saying I haven't thought about it. A lot. (Sorry). But Wendy and I have definitely notslept together in the, uh, beast with two backs sense. We accidentally fell asleep on her bed while watching movies one night, but that was not the exciting kind of sleep. It was the restful kind."

As Dipper spoke, the vines slowed their ascent toward his neck, and finally started to loosen. The Green Man looked questioningly at Cernunnos.

"I apologize for the misunderstanding," said the antlered god. "They may not have hunted for passion as one yet—but they arelovers, nonetheless."

The Green Man stared at Cernunnos, a thoughtful expression on his face. He slowly turned his head back toward Dipper, as his lips curled up in a malevolent grin. He withdrew his vines, and without breaking eye contact with Dipper, directed his speech at the Lord of the Hunt.

"Cernunnos, would you please take a few of the Green Guard, and go fetch Wyn Dahlia? Oh, and her companions. We'll need witnesses."

"It would be my pleasure," said Cernunnos with a nod. As he swept toward the courtyard doors, past Dipper, he had a strange expression on his face—almost a mixture of melancholy and determination. Dipper furrowed his brow. This god was an enigma. Dipper simply couldn't read him. His motives and intentions were a complete mystery, which was very disconcerting.

/

Wendy stood at her window, unable to decide whether she wanted to laugh or cry. Termites swarmed over the outer walls surrounding the palace grounds. Their buzzing seemed to make the air vibrate. When she had realized what was going on, she knew immediately who was responsible. This was the "something bad" that Dipper had cryptically mentioned to her in his last letter.

The Green Man must have proved recalcitrant, and Dipper was punishing him. Wendy just hoped that he remembered her mother was trapped in tree form before allowing the termites to do too much damage. She would be rather miffed if they finally got her back and she was missing her nose or fingers.

"That's a lot of bugs."

Wendy jumped. She hadn't realized that Grenda was standing next to her. From Grenda's shoulder, Bork looked up at Wendy with a reassuring grin.

"I think Dipper had the right idea—to hurt the Green Man in any way he's able, until the Green Man caves," said the Brownie, a mischievous glint in his eye.

"Termites…" chuckled Bacon, from his seat on the bed behind them. "The cheeky bastard's got quite a pair. The Green Man can't be too happy about this turn of events."

Wendy turned from the window to face him, picking at her cuticles nervously. "I just hope it's enough to get the old codger to let us go," she said.

A sudden knock at the outer chamber door caused Wendy's stomach to do flip-flops. She took a deep breath to try and calm herself as she walked to answer it.

She opened to door to see Cernunnos, backed by several members of the Green Guard.

He stared at her mutely for a moment.

"Uh, can I help you?" asked Wendy, irritated. She still wanted nothing to do with him after his insinuation that Dipper's involvement with Fenrir meant he was not to be trusted.

"The Green Man requires your presence, along with that of your three companions," he said, with a nod to Grenda, Bacon and Bork who had come to stand behind Wendy. He had a strange look on his face, like he wanted to say more.

"Is Dipper with him?" asked Wendy.

Cernunnos glanced over his shoulder at the Green Guard accompanying him, and stepped forward slightly, trying to distance himself.

"Yes," he said so quietly that Wendy had to lean forward to hear him. "Shackled. Near a special birch tree. Your grandfather is planning something. If you want to prepare yourself, you must be quick."

Wendy nodded her head, and said loudly "Can you give me a minute to freshen up? I wouldn't want to offend my grandfather's sensibilities."

"Of course, my dear. We will wait right here. Please be quick."

"Thank you Cerny," said Wendy, her voice falsely sweet. She shut the door, and then turned to face her friends.

"Okay, so who here knows how to use a lock-pick?"

/

While he was worried about Cernunnos' loyalties, Dipper was more concerned with the fact that he was finally going to get to see Wendy again—and this time he wasn't in the middle of bleeding to death. That was a definite positive. However, being reunited with her in front of her misogynistic, controlling asshole of a grandfather did kind of take the wind out of his sails.

The Green Man continued to stare at Dipper, a crazed look in his eyes. The foliage surrounding his face seemed to grow bigger, like a lion's mane. He looked like any minute he was going to start mouth-breathing.

"So… I don't really like awkward silences," said Dipper, after several minutes of glancing around the courtyard, listening to the buzz of the termite swarm, and pretending not to be completely skeeved out that the Green Man was being Creepy McCreeperson. "And this silence is spectacularly awkward. What was that about witnesses, anyway?"

The Green Man's grin grew, until it took up nearly his whole face. "You'll find out soon enough," he chortled. "I don't want to spoil the surprise."

"Oh good," drawled Dipper. "A surprise. Yay…"

He sighed with relief as he heard the creak of the wooden courtyard doors opening. He turned and craned his neck, trying to catch a glimpse of shining red hair though the breaks in the trees. Finally, Dipper saw her, and had to resist the incredibly strong urge to run to her—he didn't want to risk any sudden movements around the Green Man.

Wendy was resplendent in a gown of emerald green velvet, the bodice of which hugged her curves like a second skin. Bork sat on her right shoulder, and her long red hair hung over her left shoulder in a single thick braid, woven through and tied off with a ribbon that matched her dress. The color was high in her cheeks, contrasting beautifully with her porcelain skin. When she spotted Dipper, she broke into a wide grin, and started to run toward him. Suddenly she stopped—Cernunnos had grabbed her arm and yanked her back. Dipper could hear Wendy's yelp of surprise, but couldn't tell what Cernunnos was saying to her. She glared at him and pulled her arm out of his grasp, but didn't try to run again. The corners of her mouth turned upwards as she held eye contact with Dipper, while walking sedately in his direction.

As Cernunnos, Wendy (and Bork), Bacon, and Grenda entered the clearing, Cernunnos once again took Wendy's arm, not allowing her to walk too closely to Dipper.

"Hi Wendy," said Dipper softly. His heart ached. He wanted to say so much more to her, but that would have to wait until they were alone, and Dipper wasn't in chains.

Cernunnos didn't allow Wendy to stop and chat, so as they passed on Dipper's right, she turned her head and mouthed "I love you."

Bacon was not his usual boisterous self, as he followed Wendy and Cernunnos forward. "Is this part of yer plan?" he hissed at Dipper. Dipper shrugged. Bacon rolled his eyes, and kept walking.

Grenda, on the other hand, was thrilled to see her best friend's brother alive and well. She hurried toward him, arms outstretched.

"Dipper! I'm so glad you're—oof!" Grenda tripped, and went down, taking Dipper down in the process.

As he hit the ground, the air left his lungs. He was too busy gasping for breath to help Grenda untangle herself from his legs. She kept trying to get up, then falling down again, at one point somehow turning him onto his stomach and sitting on his back.

"ENOUGH!" shouted the Green Man irritably. "Cernunnos, please help this dim-witted trollkin to her feet so we can get on with things."

Dipper felt Grenda's weight lifted off him, and he was finally able to breathe.

"Sorry, Dipper," murmured Grenda, as Cernunnos hauled him back up to standing.

"S'okay," said Dipper, breathlessly. And then, just before Grenda turned to face the Green Man, she winked.

Dipper narrowed his eyes in confusion. Did Grenda bowl him over on purpose? To what end? He scratched the back of his head, puzzled—and then his eyes widened, and he threw his arm behind his back again, hoping the Green Man hadn't noticed. Grenda had somehow managed to unlock one of the manacles, so when had instinctively moved to scratch his head, the loosened manacle had fallen off. His left wrist felt weirdly heavy, as it was carrying the weight of both manacles and the chain connecting them.

"Now, Wyn Dahlia, my dear," said the Green Man, "Your betrothed has delivered to me some very interesting news, today. I was surprised to hear that you and this…god…are an item." He pointed at Dipper with several of his vines.

Wendy crossed her arms and glared at Cernunnos. "Oh my betrothedtold you that, did he?"

Cernunnos wouldn't look at her.

"Yes, indeed," said the Green Man. "And… it's Dipper, right? This Dipper seems to have it in his head that you'd rather leave with him, than stay and marry the Lord of the Hunt." Wendy opened her mouth to speak, but the Green Man shushed her by placing the tip of one of his vines on her mouth like a finger.

"He has told me that unless I release you, he will let his swarm of termites destroy—kill—my home." He paused, and sneered at Dipper. "However, what he doesn't know, is that unless he calls off his swarm immediately, I will perform the eternal binding between you and Cernunnos right here and now."

Dipper's heart sank. He started forward, but stopped when Bacon, who had inched close enough to reach him, kicked him in the leg. The clurichaun shook his head, and mouthed "Not yet." He nodded in Wendy's direction, and Dipper turned his attention back to her.

Wendy shoved the vine away from her mouth. "No you won't. Dipper is right. I would rather leave with him. I love him. The only reason I pretended to want to marry Cernunnos was to buy time to try and figure out a way to rescue my mom. Isn't that right, Cerny?"

Cernunnos stepped forward, and placed a hand on the trunk of the birch tree. "Why, my lord? Beithe was my friend. She was good, and kind, and would never hurt anyone. Why have you kept her imprisoned for six years?"

The Green Man's vines began to shake furiously. He seemed unable to form a complete thought. "How did you—I never told—it's none of your—" Finally he closed his eyes, and dropped all his vines at once.

"Being as she is my daughter," said the Green Man, his voice eerily calm, "Beithe is no common dryad, but a minor goddess in her own right—as are any female children born to her. A royal daughter of the Green Man doesn't marry just anyone—I must make the most beneficial arrangement. But Beithe dared defy me. She ran off with a murderer, a nature destroyer. She chose to live a Mundane life, and bear that beastly man's offspring. If I had known all those years ago that she had borne a daughter, I would have rescued Wyn Dahlia from the Mundane along with her mother. When I brought her home, Beithe kept attempting to flee back to that monster she called a husband. I had no choice. She is safe here. She is not being contaminated by the Mundane."

The courtyard was silent for a moment, but for the buzzing of the termites as they destroyed the outer wall of the palace. Finally, Dipper spoke.

"So… wait. That tree is Mama Corduroy?"

Wendy nodded.

"Harold, can you please un-tree her?" asked Dipper.

"Never!" cried the Green Man.

Dipper looked his companions in the eye one by one. "Well, nobody can say I didn't ask nicely."

He ran forward, bringing his hands out from behind his back, and swung the heavy iron manacle like a mace, connecting a blow with the Green Man's chin before the elder god had a chance to react.

Dark green blood oozed from the gash along the bottom of the Green Man's jaw. His eyes flashed with rage. He opened his mouth and screamed "GUAR—" but was cut off by a sudden birch branch to the face.

The blow knocked him onto his back. His eyes wild, he stared at the tree, mumbling "That's not possible…" He didn't notice Dipper and Cernunnos approach him from opposite sides until they were upon him. Dipper lazily swung the manacle in a circle, clutching a conjured plastic spray bottle of weed killer in his other hand, while Cernunnos had a nocked arrow drawn taut, aimed directly at the Green Man's head. Wendy (with Bork), Grenda and Bacon all stood back to avoid any crossfire, watching with interest at the scene unfolding before them.

"I had so much respect for you," said Cernunnos, his voice thick with emotion. His arm muscles were bulging with the effort to keep the bow drawn. "I knew you to be a just ruler. Cruel, perhaps, when your wrath was provoked, but never unnecessarily so. But to act this way toward your own family. I cannot condone this. If you refuse to return Beithe to her former state, killing you will undo the magics you've put in place. I am prepared to do what I must."

"Oooooh, Harold, I don't think he's kidding around," giggled Dipper. "If you don't want to be forced to deal with Arawn lording it over you for the rest of forever, you probably should make Wendy's mom into not a tree anymore."

"I refuse to release my daughter back into the arms of that filthy, Mundane brute," said the Green Man softly.

"So be it," said Cernunnos. He loosed the arrow. It immediately turned into a Nerf dart, hitting the Green Man directly between the eyes, and bouncing harmlessly away. And then the Green Man simply vanished.

The Lord of the Hunt blinked slowly, and bent down to pick up the toy dart, glancing at the spot where the Green Man had cowered only seconds ago. "What trickery is this?" he hissed at Dipper.

Dipper threw his hands up in the air, forgetting about the manacle attached to his wrist, which reminded him of itself by smacking him in the face. "Okay, ow. But don't look at me, I wantedto see you skewer ol' Harold."

"Sorry, this has been entertainin' and all, but if I just stood by and gawped while my brother was slain right in front of me, me parents would be quite put out."

All eyes turned to Bacon.

But he wasn't there. Standing in his place was Tad Strange.

"Oopsie daisy, wrong body," said Tad. He disappeared, replaced by a grinning Puck.

"Hi Cerny!" said Puck, waggling his fingers at the Lord of the Hunt. "Long time, no see! Sorry about turning your arrow into a harmless foam dart and transporting my brother to my parents' realm just as you were about to slay him. Death is too easy of an out for him anyway. Mom and dad are really unhappy with how he's been running things here. He is in for some serioustime out."

Cernunnos didn't say a word. He glared at Puck for a few seconds, and then pushed past him, and stormed out of the courtyard, slamming the doors behind him.

"He doesn't like me very much," said Puck in a stage whisper, as if it were a secret.

No one said a word. The only noise was the incessant drone of the termites.

Dipper stared open-mouthed at Puck. He snapped his fingers and the buzzing insects ceased to exist. He continued staring. Puck sauntered up to him, and tucked a finger under the younger satyr's chin, popping his mouth closed.

"What's the matter, kid? You act like you aren't happy to see me!" He looked down. "You know that is a reallynice loincloth. I mean, it could use a wash, but— does your sister do commission work?" he asked, reaching out to touch the loincloth.

Dipper jerked back out of Puck's reach. "The whole time," he said finally. "You were with us the whole freaking time. You—I—what the hell, man?!"

"Well I couldn't just turn you into a god and let you wander off willy-nilly," said Puck with a shrug. "You could've gotten yourself killed!"

"I didget myself killed!" cried Dipper.

Puck stroked his chin. "Oh yeah, that did happen," he remarked. "Just think of it like a training exercise. You learned a lot about your powers. Those termites? Stroke of genius, kid. I wouldn't have thought you'd be powerful enough to pull that off yet."

"Training… exercise… DO YOU THINK MY LIFE IS A FUCKING GAME?!" exploded Dipper.

Puck jumped back, startled. "Yeesh, kid. Temper."

"And what about Wendy's mom?!" Dipper ranted, gesturing to the birch behind him. "If Cernunnos had killed Harold, his magic would have lost its hold—but youkept that from happening!"

Dipper was shaking, and breathing so hard he was nearly at the point of hyperventilation, when he felt a warm hand grab his, twining their fingers together.

"Shh, Dipper. It's okay," said Wendy, rubbing his arm. "We're okay."

Dipper turned. "Wendy," he choked out.

Bork motioned wildly to Grenda, who moved close enough to catch him as he jumped from Wendy's shoulder, just as Dipper pulled her into a tight embrace. He buried his face in the crook of her neck, taking in the subtle scent of pine needles she now exuded. Dipper had never felt anything more vividly than he now felt Wendy's soft body pressed against his, their hearts beating in tandem. A quiet sob escaped him. Wendy rubbed his back, tears of her own dripping down onto Dipper's shoulder.

Grenda and Bork wandered around the outside edge of the clearing, wanting to give their friends a bit of privacy for their reunion. Puck twiddled his thumbs, humming tunelessly, as he paced around the base of the birch tree.

"I'm sorry I let you down, Wen," whispered Dipper, as his sobs finally subsided. "I tried… I'm so sorry—"

Wendy pulled back from their embrace slightly. "You didn't let me down, Dipper," she said, her green eyes bright. She raised a hand to his cheek and wiped away a tear with her thumb. "You proved to me that you would literally diefor me. You can't control everything, dude, even if you are a god now."

"But your mom—" Dipper was cut off by soft lips suddenly pressed against his.

"Shut up, dork," Wendy murmured against his mouth. She ran her fingers through his unkempt brown curls as their kiss deepened. The heat coming off his body was intense. She felt like she was melting against him.

Dipper shuddered, and let out a low moan. He'd always wanted Wendy, but he'd never felt anything quite like the animalistic lust that was beginning to wash over him. It took every ounce of self-control he had to pull away from her.

"Wendy," he gasped out, his voice ragged. "We-we have to stop."

"Your boyfriend is right, Wendy," said a woman's voice from behind them.

Wendy jerked back from Dipper and whirled around so quickly that she nearly fell over. "Mom?!"

Standing next to a grinning Puck, where once there had been a majestic birch tree, was a tall, willowy redhead in a simple long white sundress. She looked a lot like Wendy, although her long red hair had a bit of curl to it, her figure was a bit fuller, and she had laugh lines around her jewel green eyes.

"Mom!" Wendy launched herself at Beithe, nearly bowling her over.

"Shhh, baby, it's okay now," murmured Beithe soothingly as Wendy bawled on her shoulder. "It's okay now."

While Beithe and Wendy hugged and cried, Puck sauntered casually over to Dipper, and murmured in his ear. "Kid, if you want to make nice with your girlfriend's mom, you should probably cover up your raging…pine tree… until you have a chance to calm down." He walked slowly back over to stand next to Wendy and Beithe, impatient for their extended reunion to be over.

Dipper looked down and his cheeks flushed. "Oh, for the love of…" he muttered. He conjured an enormous bouquet of roses, with the intention of giving it to Wendy when he no longer needed the coverage, and held it about waist high.

"So does this mean we get to go home now?" asked Grenda, causing Dipper to jump. He hadn't noticed her and Bork, who was situated on her shoulder, approach on his left side.

Dipper shrugged. "I guess so. I've been so focused on saving Wendy and her mom that I haven't given any thought to what happens after. I don't even know what day it is anymore. It feels like it's been forever since Christmas Eve."

"It's the 29th," said Grenda, without hesitation. She chuckled at the quizzical look on Dipper's face. "I've been keeping track."

"So I have three days until Mabel and I are supposed to go back to Piedmont." He looked down at his fur-covered goat legs. "Explaining to my parents why I'm suddenly seventeen and a satyr is going to be…complicated."

"Now that the Green Man is gone, maybe you and Wendy can stay here!" suggested Bork.

Dipper shook his head. "I don't think my family would be okay with that. And I know now that Beithe is free, she is going to want to go home to Manly Dan and the boys with Wendy." He noticed Bork's disappointment and added "Don't worry, little man—you are still more than welcome to come home with us."

Bork smiled and said something in reply, but Dipper was distracted by a familiar voice in his head.

Dipper, I'm here, I'm here! I got out!

"Fenris? Can you hear me? Where are you?" cried Dipper. He whipped his head around, looking for his furry friend. He felt a bit guilty that with everything going on, he'd forgotten about Fenris, left all by himself down in the dungeon.

Wendy, who had finally composed herself, and was leading Beithe by the hand over to meet Dipper, stopped in front of him and arched an eyebrow. She glanced at her mom. "He's not really crazy, I swear."

"Just a minute, let me try something," said Dipper to Wendy. "Oh, these are for you," he said absently, handing her the bouquet of roses. "Hey Fenris," shouted Dipper, "If you can hear me, can you please do like, an open broadcast or something? It's safe now."

Safe?! Aw, that means I missed the fun part.

Beithe, Wendy and Bork all jumped slightly—they were unaccustomed to an extra voice in their heads.

Sorry it took me so long! I've never tried to make myself this small before. I had to, to squeeze between the bars. I've been trying to get in touch with Bacon, but I'm getting nothing. Do you know if he's okay?

Bounding out of the small copse of trees at the front of the clearing came a tiny black ball of fur.

"PUPPY!" cried Grenda, flapping her hands with glee.

Beithe and Wendy simultaneously gasped with delight.

Dipper couldn't help it. He collapsed on the ground in a fit of giggles.

Uh, Dipper… are you having a nervous breakdown?Tiny Fenris trotted over to Dipper and pawed at him. His pointed ears were almost full-sized, which meant they were entirely too big for his head. They were perked up, but slightly floppy, so that pointed towards each other. They made him resemble a bunny rabbit.

"This has been a really weird day," laughed Dipper, wiping away tears of mirth. "And you're the most adorable little bringer of doom I've ever seen."

Hey, don't make me remind you that when I am in one of my smaller wolf forms, I can easily fit your head in my mouth.

"But you're just so damn cute!" giggled Dipper.

Puppy teeth may be small, but they're sharp. Keep laughing. I dare you.

"Fine, fine," said Dipper. He clumsily got to his hooves. "Wendy, Beithe, this is Fenris. When he is in his scary wolf form, he goes by Fenrir." He looked at Wendy. "He was the horse-sized wolf that acted as a distraction for when I…uh, attempted to attack Cernunnos. He's also the reason I got a do-over after I died."

"Well, in that case," said Wendy, bending down to scoop up the squirming puppy, and holding him up to her face, "I thank you, Fenris. Whether not you belong in our pantheon, I will always think of you as family." She grinned as the puppy licked her face enthusiastically.

"Hey, now, don't get fresh," said Dipper.

As Wendy sat Fenris back on the ground, he cast a glance around the clearing.

Where's Bacon? You never said.

A soft cough came from the edge of the clearing, where Puck was standing by himself, being unusually quiet. "Hullo, Fenris," he said, waving casually.

Puck. Don't tell me—really? You were Bacon? Why didn't you tell me, you ass?!

"Wait, you already know Puck?" asked Dipper, confused.

He and my dad go way back, explained Fenris. No wonder Bacon was so familiarly obnoxious.

Puck shrugged. "Obnoxious is what I do best. Well, that and watching my programs. And eating. I'm actually really good at eating."

As if on cue, Grenda's stomach rumbled loudly. "Speaking of food," she said, "Can we do all our talking and catching up and planning to leave over a meal? I'm starving."

/

During dinner, Puck managed to convince Beithe that the group needed rest, and should wait to return to the Mundane Realm in the morning. As it turned out, making Dipper trek across the Green Realm to get to the palace had been part of Puck's ill conceived "training exercise." As an elder god, he could easily transport them to and from any place, in almost any realm, almost instantaneously. However, he had wanted Dipper to have time to grow accustomed to his new body and powers before attempting a confrontation with his asshole brother.

When everyone was done eating, Puck asked Beithe to join him as he sought out Cernunnos, to discuss stewardship of the Green Realm now that his brother was no longer there to rule. He then suggested to Bork that the brownie show Grenda and Fenris to private rooms where they could sleep.

"After that, why don't you find your family and say your goodbyes since you'll be going off to the Mundane Realm tomorrow," he added. The brownie nodded in agreement. Bork, Grenda and Fenris left the hall in one direction, Puck and Beithe in another. Just before he walked out the door, Puck turned around and winked at Dipper.

"That was weird," said Wendy, as she stood from the table and adjusted her skirt.

Dipper laughed. "He's apologizing."

"What are you talking about?" asked Wendy, as they left the hall, walking side-by-side.

Dipper grabbed Wendy's hand, and laced his fingers through hers. "He just made sure that everyone else had somewhere to be. Away from us. So we can be alone." He chuckled to himself as he heard Wendy's gasp of realization. He laughed outright when her pace quickened.

By the time they reached Wendy's chambers, they were nearly at a run. She threw the door open, and pulled Dipper inside, bolting it shut behind him.

Dipper's heart was pounding. She was acting as impatient as he felt. She pulled him into her bedroom.

For a moment, they stood in the middle of her room, hungrily taking in the sight of each other. Dipper could see Wendy's pulse in her neck. As she looked him up and down, he could actually see it quicken, as her chest rose and fell more rapidly.

"Dipper," she whispered, stepping toward him, resting one outstretched hand on his muscular shoulder, and with the other, brushing the stubble on his cheek. She trailed her fingers down his defined jawline and thick neck. "You're so different…but it's still definitely you under there."

She ran her fingers over his slightly furred chest, and down to his abs. She laughed when she realized that she was leaving visible lines through the dirt and grime on his body.

"What?" said Dipper. He stepped back from Wendy, hurt in his eyes.

"You're filthy, dork," said Wendy, leaning in and placing a light, reassuring kiss on Dipper's cheek. "The last time you bathed was probably Christmas Eve morning, wasn't it?"

Dipper nodded, becoming self-conscious.

Wendy gave him a sultry smile, and eyed him from under her lashes. "I have a nice, big bathing pool in the corner, behind that screen over there," she said, pointing. "There's more than enough room for two… how about I get the bath ready for you? You can come back when I call."

"Th-that sounds amazing," stammered Dipper. He watched her emerald velvet-clad hips sway seductively as she walked away from him, until she stepped behind the screen. He heard the rustle of fabric, and groaned softly as Wendy threw her discarded gown out from behind the screen.

He slowly walked forward, as he heard the rush and splash of running water filling the pool. He couldn't help himself. He peeked around the corner of the screen.

The dreams Dipper had had where he'd seen Wendy naked paled in comparison to the real thing. She was standing with her back to him, facing the tub. She was built like a ballerina, with shapely, long legs; her form slender and feminine, but with a strong foundation underneath. He watched as she reached back and began to unbraid her hair, pulling the woven emerald ribbon out in one fluid movement. Her brilliant, red tresses, now slightly waved from having been in a braid all day, cascaded down her back, all the way down past her waist. Dipper felt light-headed as he watched her bend over to place the ribbon off to the side of the pool.

Something primal was trying to conquer Dipper's usually sensitive personality. He grunted, trying to resist the urge to grab Wendy and take her then and there. He ripped off his loincloth, breathing heavily. There had been no point to him wearing it for the past few minutes anyway. He balled his hands into fists at his sides, and stepped back from the corner of the screen, clenching his jaw. He felt on the verge of losing control of himself. Was this what Fenris had meant when he talked about satyrs representing virility?

A gentle splash from behind the screen signal's Wendy's descent into the bathing pool.

"Dipper," she called softly. "I'm ready for you now."

He took a deep breath, trying to prepare himself for what was about to happen.

Sorry to bother you, because I know you're probably busy, but I just saw Wendy's mom marching in your direction… and she doesn't look pleased.

The sudden intrusion of Fenris into Dipper's mind startled him into a panic. He did the only thing he could think of, which ended up being the least likely situation to be well-received by Wendy's mother. He jumped into the bathing pool with a very naked Wendy.