The last place you want to find yourself when confronted by someone's mother, is naked, in a bathtub with that someone. Unfortunately, that was the position Dipper was finding himself in.

Upon hearing Fenris' warning, Dipper's panic led him to a momentary lack of common sense. He needed to hide! But where to hide!? The bathing pool! Once he was in the water, with Wendy pressing her soft, warm body against his, he realized that he had just made a poor life choice.

As she pushed him against the side of the tub, and began to kiss his neck, Dipper whimpered. His new animalistic side was fighting with his awkward, panicking side. For a moment he let his animalistic side win.

He grabbed Wendy, and swiftly switched places with her, so that he had herup against the side of the tub. He kissed her hungrily, as his hands explored parts of her body that she had never allowed any of her previous boyfriends to touch. Wendy arched her back, and practically purred. Dipper groaned, as she pressed herself against him. To his disappointment, she pulled away only seconds later.

Then, Wendy surprised Dipper, by grabbing him, and reversing their places, so that he was once again pinned against the wall. She looked up at him from under her eyelashes, and smiled seductively.

"You're definitely ready to go, aren't you, Big Dipper?" she said, her voice low.

Dipper nodded. He swallowed hard, and closed his eyes, as her hand began to wander from his chest, down his midsection, and come to rest just above his pelvis.

And then she was touching him, her warm hand squeezing his girth gently. Dipper's whole body tingled, and he moaned.

He almost didn't hear the soft squeak of hinges from the door to Wendy's outer chamber. His eyes flew open, and he was suddenly hit again with the panic he had pushed aside when lust had overtaken him. With her soft hands exploring the length of him, Dipper was almost unable to speak.

"C-coming!" he managed to get out.

Wendy pulled back with an eyebrow raised. "What, already?" she said, grinning. She leaned back in and began kissing his collarbone.

Dipper panted. "No—she—your mom—coming here!"

Wendy stopped kissing him, her mouth right next to his ear. "What?"

Suddenly the door to Wendy's inner chamber was pushed open so hard that it banged against the wall. Wendy shot away from Dipper, toward the opposite side of the bathing pool, as hurried footsteps made their way into her bedroom. Beithe must have heard the splash of water, because she immediately went for the bathing area. She stepped behind the screen, and saw Wendy and her randy goat of a boyfriend sitting across from each other in the tub. Both were wearing nothing but guilty expressions.

"WYN DAHLIA CORDUROY!"

"Hi mom," said Wendy meekly.

Dipper coughed awkwardly. "Th-this isn't what it looks like, Mrs. Corduroy."

Beithe turned to Dipper, her green eyes narrowed. "My father was right—you are a terrible liar."

"Oh…you could hear our conversation when you were…a tree?" said Dipper, confused.

"Yes. Yes, I could. I was quite relieved to hear that Cernunnos had been mistaken about how far you had taken your relationship," said Beithe, folding her arms across her chest. "But it appears you were planning to remedy that right away. That cannot happen."

"Mom, I'm not a little girl anymore!" cried Wendy. "I love Dipper, and he loves me. We're ready!"

Beithe chuckled. "Oh, you're ready, are you? You're ready to be parents?"

"P-what?" asked Dipper, sitting up straight.

Wendy's face reddened even more than it already was. "Oh. I…didn't consider that. Protection."

Beithe sighed. "You two get out of the tub and get some clothes on. We have to have The Talk."

She walked back to the other side of the screen. Wendy stood and grabbed two towels from a ledge at the side of the tub. Dipper groaned inwardly. He wanted to lick at the water droplets running down her slick, perfect body.

"Down boy," he whispered, looking down at his lower half.

Wendy heard him and laughed. "Wash up real quick before you get out. You're still dirty."

She tossed one of the towels at his face, and exited the bathing pool, walking to the other side of the screen. Dipper sat the towel aside, and grabbed a cloth and a jar of what appeared to be liquid soap. He scrubbed himself quickly, but vigorously, until his skin was bright pink. As he washed his shaggy goat parts, he felt like he was washing a dog. It was a strange sensation. Finally, he stood up and climbed out of the tub. He dried off, and wrapped the towel tightly around his waist. He went to step out from behind the screen, and thought better of it.

"Are you decent?" he called.

Wendy giggled. "Yes, dork. Well, clothed, anyway. I'm not sure I've ever been decent."

Dipper emerged from behind the screen to see Wendy, wrapped in a flannel robe, sitting in a low backed chair, while her mother braided her hair. Her eyes were closed, and she was smiling blissfully. It had been six years since the last time her mom did her hair, and she had missed it.

Beithe finished the braid and tied it off. "Okay, sit down, Dipper," she said, pulling another low backed chair over next to Wendy's, so they were both facing the bed. Beithe then perched herself on the edge of the bed and folded her hands in her lap.

"This is going to be awkward," she said matter-of-factly. "But it is important that you hear it."

"Mom, it already isawkward," said Wendy. "Let's just get this over with, please?"

"I, too, am a fan of the getting-it-over-with plan," said Dipper, raising his hand.

Beithe smiled and shook her head. "Okay, kids. First things first: human contraception, (including the use of a condom) does not work on gods, goddesses, or any other magical creature."

Beithe opened her mouth to continue, but her daughter interrupted her.

"Wait, what?" said Wendy in disbelief. "So what you meant about being ready to be parents… oh, shit."

Dipper sat back in his chair, his stomach dropping. "Oh shit, indeed."

"There areways for you to prevent conception," continued Beithe, the corners of her lips twitching upward as Dipper perked up at her words. "You would use your magic, Wendy. I will explain what to do, but it is difficult to master. As soon as I met your father I began practicing the contraceptive magic. Thinking I had mastered it, I allowed him to seduce me fully."

"Ew, mom…" said Wendy.

"Oh, hush Wendy. If you think you're adult enough to have sex, you are surelyadult enough to acknowledge that your parents, have, in fact, 'done it.'"

"Point taken," muttered Wendy, rolling her eyes.

"As it turns out," said Beithe, continuing her story, "I had not mastered it quite yet. That is how you came to be, my dear."

"So, uh, can you give an estimate as to how long it takes to actuallymaster this spell or whatever it is that Wendy's going to have to do?" Dipper asked earnestly. He leaned forward in his chair, with his hands on his knees. "I would like to mark it on my calendar."

"Honestly, you're probably not going to like the answer," said Beithe. "It will most likely take Wendy somewhere close to a year to fully master the magic, to ensure there are no…surprises."

Dipper slumped back in his chair, feeling like a deflated balloon.

"A year?" cried Wendy, standing up out of her chair. "Are you freaking kidding me mom? You can't be serious! You-you're just trying to trick us into waiting longer!"

"Although I truly dowant you to wait longer, I am not making this up, Wendy," said her mother sternly. "You have only just come into your godhood, and have no experience with magic. I had been doing magic all my life, and it stilltook me a long time to master."

Wendy huffed and sat back down, her arms crossed.

"Frankly, your reaction to this news does nothing but prove that you are, in fact, not emotionally mature enough for sex yet, let alone parenthood" said Beithe. She stared Wendy down, as if daring her to argue the point. Wendy clamped her mouth shut, and looked away.

"And Dipper, I don't even know anything about you. How old are you?" asked Beithe.

Dipper sighed and leaned his head back, closing his eyes. "It's complicated."

Beithe cocked her head to the side. "What does that even mean?"

"Does age even matter now that Wendy and I are gods, and therefore, essentially ageless?" asked Dipper, avoiding the question.

Beithe pressed her lips together. "Give me your most recent age."

Dipper rubbed the back of his neck. "Well, I'm physically a seventeen-year-old."

Beithe raised an eyebrow. "Physically? What are you avoiding telling me, Dipper?"

Dipper glanced at Wendy. She nodded, and took his hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

"Before Puck engoddened me, I was thirteen," said Dipper. Looking at his feet, he mumbled "Technically a teen…"

Wendy watched her mother's face, which stayed strangely blank. Beithe just looked at the young couple before her: a shamefaced Dipper clutched a defensive-looking Wendy's hand.

"Well?" said Wendy, tired of waiting to be yelled at. "Aren't you going to call me a cradle robber, and tell us how highly inappropriate our relationship is?"

Beithe then surprised them by giggling softly. Dipper looked up, curious.

"Sweetie," she addressed Wendy, "You never knew this about me, of course, because you didn't know I was a dryad—but…well, you know what Dipper just said about gods essentially being ageless? When I met your father, I was four-hundred and eighty-three years old. Gods and goddesses can appear any age they want to, which is why I appeared to age as a normal human when I was with your father. What I'm trying to say, is that I am certainly not one to judge about age differences."

Wendy stared at her mother, mouth agape.

"I must say, Mama Corduroy, you look reallygood for your age," said Dipper with a grin.

"Cheeky," said Beithe with a smile, blushing a rosy shade of pink. She cleared her throat. "I want to be clear that although your previous age difference does not matter to me, you still are not emotionally mature enough to be parents. Which means, until Wendy masters the contraceptive spell that I am willing to teach her, you should really avoid taking things too far."

"Just…out of curiosity," said Wendy slowly, "if we wereto accidentally take things too far…is it pretty much guaranteed that I would become pregnant?"

"That is a very good question, Wen," said Dipper, grinning at his girlfriend, then looking back to Beithe. "I'm curious to hear the answer as well—for science, of course."

Beithe rolled her eyes. "Of course. Look, here is the deal: being that you are a god, and physically a satyr, to boot, Dipper, your uh… little swimmers will be exceptionallystrong, hardy, and numerous. Basically, if you slept together, it would be like playing a game of Russian Roulette where all the chambers are loaded but one. It is a risk you should not take."

Dipper's shoulders drooped. "Noted," he said.

Wendy pouted. "Mom, do you know difficult it is going to be for us to hold off for a year? We only just started dating, and we can barely keep our hands off each other."

Beithe blinked. "I beg your pardon? You only juststarted dating? How 'only just'? You two are awfully serious for 'only just.'"

Dipper sank down in his chair and looked away from Beithe, trying to make himself small.

Realizing how bad "a week ago" would sound to her mom, Wendy tried to choose her words carefully.

"Well, we've had feelings for each other for a good while now... Only, I was initially worried about the age difference, so I was in denial for a long time. We were best friends for like five or six months before I finally admitted to myself that I was in love with him and we officially became a couple."

"And when was that?" asked Beithe quietly.

Wendy looked down at the floor. "Like, a week ago, I think," she mumbled.

Dipper and Wendy both jumped as Beithe laughed loudly, and flopped back onto Wendy's bed, her hand to her forehead.

"This just gets better and better!" she said sarcastically.

Dipper felt he should speak up. "I know it sounds bad, Mrs. Corduroy, but I truly do love your daughter. I didn't commit to this relationship on a whim, or just for sex. Granted, sex would be a fantasticperk. Ow!" he said as Wendy smacked his arm. "Moving along… I love Wendy fully and completely, for everything she was, is, and ever will be, with no reservations. Even when she does smack me," he said, with a quick wink at Wendy. "All that I've done in the past week has been for her. I didn't ask to be made a satyr or god, let alone both. But humans aren't allowed in the Green, so I agreed to be Puck's protégé. She's worth it—all of it."

Beithe slowly sat back up, and noticed Wendy wiping away a tear. The way Dipper was looking at her daughter reminded Beithe of how Dan had always looked at her.

"Wendy, how do you truly feel about Dipper?" she asked. "Please be honest. It is important."

Wendy reached out to grasp Dipper's hand. "Mom, I've had a lot of boyfriends. A lot. I never let any of them do more to me than kiss me, although most of them made it clear that they wanted, even expected, more. Dipper isn't like that. And I love that about him. Our connection isn't simply physical. As I said earlier, he became my best friend. The day he accidentally let slip that he loved me… I was kind of surprised, but not really. I'd had my suspicions, and was in serious denial about my own feelings for him. When I told him that day that he was too young for me, I was trying to convince myself of that as much as him. The thing is, mom, he feels like home. It doesn't matter where I am… if he's with me, I'm home. With him I am comfortable, I feel safe, and most of all, I feel loved." She paused, and turned to look at Dipper, whose eyes were watering, and chin was quivering, in an effort not to cry.

Wendy smiled, and gently cupped his cheek with her hand. "He's my happy place. I love him. And that's the truth."

Beithe sighed, but it was a sigh of relief rather than frustration. The idea that had been bouncing around in her head throughout their conversation was seeming more and more like a good one.

"Your feelings for each other doappear to be genuine, and not purely physical," said Beithe, tapping a finger against her chin. "I have a proposal that I think you will find fair, and which will be reassuring to me and your father, Wendy."

"What would that be?" asked Wendy.

"Handfasting," said Beithe simply.

"Hand what now?" asked Wendy, confused.

The term sounded familiar to Dipper, and as we wiped his cheeks with the back of his hand, he remembered why. He sat straight up in his seat, his eyes wide.

"Isn't that like…marriage?" he asked. "When I called to tell Manly Dan about Wendy's kidnapping, and he told me about you, he said that you couldn't officially marry in our realm, because there was no record of you on file for the magistrate to sign off on—so you handfasted instead."

Beithe nodded.

"Hold up—what?" asked Wendy. "You're suggesting we get married, mom?"

"No, I'm suggesting you handfast. It is a bit different," explained Beithe. "When a couple handfasts, they vow to be faithful to each other for a year and a day. At the end of that period of time, if the couple wishes to part ways, they may do so, but with the acknowledgment that if a pregnancy occurred during that year and a day, the child was to be legitimate, and would be recognized by the father. However, should the couple want to continue their union beyond that year and a day, they may exchange their handfast vows for the permanent vows of marriage. In your case, because you are both gods, the eternal binding would most likely be performed for you in the Green Realm."

"So if we do this handfast thing, it's okay if we have sex?" asked Dipper. "Because I'm totally on board with that."

"I would still strongly encourage you to wait until Wendy is able to master the contraceptive spell," said Beithe. "But ifyou two should get carried away, and Wendy conceives, Dan would be less likely to try and kill you. It informally legitimizes your relationship. Handfasting also—and I'm not saying I think this will happen—but it gives you an easy way out if you should decide you're not as compatible as you previously thought."

Dipper laid a hand on top of Wendy's, intertwining their fingers. Wendy smiled at him, then looked at her mom, and said with confidence "We won't have to worry about that happening."

"Also, I am definitely in favor of not being bludgeoned to—as close to death as a god attacked by a human can be—by your husband, in the event of a… happy accident," said Dipper, nodding his head.

"You both are sure you want to handfast, then?" asked Beithe.

Dipper and Wendy looked at each other, and laughed as they realized they both had the same dopey grin plastered across their faces. They turned back to Beithe.

"Yes," said Wendy. "Definitely."

"Absolutely," added Dipper.

"Very well," said Beithe. "I will talk with Puck and Cernunnos tonight, and let you know the plans for the ceremony in the morning."

"We can't just go ahead and do the ceremony right now?" asked Wendy, disappointed.

"Sweetie, while handfasting is essentially an informal marriage, there is still a traditional ceremony to be performed," said Beithe.

"Okay," said Wendy, with a heavy sigh.

Dipper patted Wendy's hand. "It's alright, Wen. I had to wait half a year for you, and I survived."

Wendy snorted. "Actually, you didn't."

"Oh yeah… there was that whole death incident. Huh. Well, in any case, I got better!" said Dipper cheerfully. "All I'm saying is that you were worth the wait—and handfasting with you will be too."

Wendy leaned toward Dipper until her forehead was resting against his.

"I love you, dork," she said softly.

"And I love you, Wen," Dipper replied, gently brushing his lips against hers.

Beithe coughed awkwardly, and the couple turned their attention to her.

"I have to say, it is a bit disconcerting to finally be free of my confinement, only to be making plans to handfast my daughter to a new god I've never met before on the same day I was freed," said Beithe, as she got up from her perch on the edge of the bed, and stood in front of Wendy. She reached down, and grasped Wendy's hands.

"The last time I saw you, you were only ten. Just a little girl. You've changed so much—and I am so incrediblyproud of the person you've become."

A sob caught in Beithe's throat as Wendy jumped up from her chair and threw her arms around her mother.

"I've missed you so much, mom," she said, sounding choked up.

Mother and daughter hugged and cried for several moments. Finally, they broke their embrace, and looked down at Dipper, who was still sitting in his chair, smiling to himself as he idly examined his fingernails.

"Dipper, it is time that I show you to your rooms for the night," said Beithe. "It has been a long, strange day, and we all need rest."

"Aw, mom, can't he stay with me?" whined Wendy.

Beithe smiled wryly. "After what I walked in on earlier, I'm going to have to say no. I at least want you handfasted before you put yourself into blatantly tempting situations."

Dipper stood from his seat. "Stupid overly fertile man parts," he muttered, looking down at the towel around his waist. He walked over to where he had tossed aside his dirty loincloth, and bent to pick it up.

"Oh, ew, don't put that back on, Dipper," said Wendy. "It's kind of…it…has a smell."

Dipper flushed. "It's the only thing I have to wear," he said.

"Wendy, ask your friend Bork if the brownies can wash it tonight, and leave it in Dipper's rooms," suggested Beithe. "I'm sure they will oblige. Now, come with me, young man. You will be rooming with Fenris."

"Mom, can you give us a little privacy to say goodnight before he goes, please?" asked Wendy.

Beithe sighed with mock impatience, but was smiling. "Fine. Make it quick." She exited Wendy's bedroom to wait in the outer chamber.

Wendy swiftly crossed the room over to where Dipper was standing next to his abandoned loincloth, and threw her arms around him. He buried his face in the crook of her neck, and breathed in her scent. It was clean and earthy, like pine needles, but with an underlying sweetness.

"Are you okay with how fast everything is happening?" Wendy said softly, her mouth next to his ear.

Dipper repositioned his head so he could speak, gently laying his forehead on Wendy's shoulder. "Wendy, this past week has been one of the longest of my life, because you were finally mine, only to be snatched away from me the very night we finally became a couple. As long as I'm with you, and I know you're okay, the flow of time is irrelevant to me."

"Dipper," whispered Wendy, her breath hot on his neck, "I will try to master the contraceptive magic as soon as I possibly can."

She lifted her head, and Dipper looked at her. The intensity of the lust in his gaze left her breathless. He was still Dipper, but there was something savage and primal about him. He pressed his mouth against hers in a fierce kiss. He was trembling, his breath becoming ragged. He pulled away, and stepped out of Wendy's embrace.

"I have to go now, or we may end up becoming parents way sooner than we want to," he said low. He leaned in, and brushed Wendy's cheek with a soft kiss. "I love you," he whispered, and then rushed from the room.

Wendy hugged herself as she watched him leave. She wasn't sure if they were going to be able to hold out for a whole year.

/

Beithe led Dipper to another wing of the palace, and left him in front of his rooms before going to seek out Puck and Cernunnos. Dipper entered the dimly lit room, and turned to shut the door behind him. When he turned back around, he burst out laughing, as a tiny black ball of fur with ears too big for its head trotted up to him.

What? What's funny?

"I forgot you took puppy form earlier," said Dipper. "Why are you still like that?"

I've never taken a form this small before, so it's new and different. Plus, we're out of eminent danger, so I don't haveto be big and scary right now. Sometimes a god just wants to be cute, you know?

Dipper grinned. "No, I really don't. Thanks for the warning by the way."

Fenris showed his teeth in a wide puppy grin, his tongue lolling out the side of his mouth.

I figured you'd want to know.With you being a teenager, I knew what you'd want to do with your girlfriend once you two had a moment alone. With you being a satyr, I figured it was probably the very first thing on the agenda. So tell me… did you have time to finally get that raging pine tree of yours taken care of before Mommy Dearest showed up?

"Dude, really?" said Dipper. He rubbed the back of his neck.

Well…?

"Ugh… no," admitted Dipper. "Wendy said I needed a bath, because I was so filthy, and was going to join me. She got naked right around the time I heard your warning. I panicked and jumped in the water with her."

You…you jumped in to the bath, with a nakedWendy, right after I had just told you her mom was headed your way? You are nota smart one, are you?

"It wasn't my finest moment."

So what was the fallout? You look and smellmuch cleaner, so I assume some actual bathing did occur?

"Yeah," said Dipper. He made his way back to the bedchamber, with little Fenris trotting at his heels. Flopping down on the bed, he put his hands behind his head. "I admit, it does feel nice to be clean again." Dipper heard a whimper from floor next to the bed, and looked over the side.

Uh, a little help? I can't jump up that high.

Dipper snorted, and leaned down to pick up wee Fenris, depositing him on top of the mattress.

"You are just too damn cute. You should stay like this when we get to Gravity Falls. I want to see Mabel's reaction to you. She is going to lose her shit."

Yeah, yeah. I'll think about it.Fenris turned in a circle three times, before flopping down with a sigh near Dipper's hooves. He yawned, and rolled over so he was lying tummy-side-up, with his paws in the air. I don't normally need a lot of sleep, but I'm exhausted right now. Must be a puppy thing. I think I'm going to call it a day.

"Sounds good to me. 'Night, Fenris," said Dipper, as he scooted himself under the covers. He heard a tiny snore, and smiled to himself. Fenris was already asleep.

/

Dipper woke up to the smell of puppy breath. He groaned, and rolled over.

"Five more minutes," he mumbled, pulling the blanket over his head.

Nope.Tiny Fenris growled, and took the sheets in his mouth, pulling them back off.

"I'm so tired… what time is it?" asked Dipper, holding an arm across his eyes to shield them from the bright daylight streaming in through the windows.

It's almost noon. Everyone decided to be nice and let you sleep in, since you've had a bit of a rough time lately, what with dying and all. However, I heard something interesting. Something that makes me wish you wore shoes, just so I could have the pleasure of pissing in them.

"What?" said Dipper, wrinkling his forehead in confusion. He sat up, and after rubbing the sleep from his eyes, found himself face to face with a fluffy little ball of doom.

Why didn't you tell me you and Wendy were getting married today?

"Okay, first, we're handfasting. It's technically not marriage," said Dipper. "Even if it wasmarriage, I'd still be cockblocked by my godly super-sperm."

Fenris tilted his head to the side, his overly large ears flopping into each other. Sorry to interrupt, but… how can you be cockblocked by your own sperm?

Dipper sighed. "Wendy has to learn some contraceptive spell before we can get to any consummating… otherwise, the chances of us making a little tree-goat-god baby are like, ninety-nine out of one hundred or something. Look at me dude. Do I look ready to be a parent?"

Fenris sneezed.

"Exactly," said Dipper. "Now it's your turn to tell me who told you that Wendy and I are handfasting today. That's news to me! Last I heard, Beithe was going to discuss the ceremony with Puck and Cernunnos."

That's who I heard it from. They were discussing it when I went to find some breakfast this morning. Now, the reason I would be tempted to piss in your shoes, if you wore shoes, is that last night, when I asked you about the fallout from the whole bath situation, that is the point at which you should have mentioned the handfasting. That's kind of big news, buddy. I've run with you all over realm and creation, and fought trolls with you, and talked my sister into bringing you BACK FROM THE DEAD—all so you could rescue Wendy. Is it too much to ask for you to let me know that all I did for you was worth it, and that you're getting your happily ever after?

Dipper hung his head. "Sorry, man. I really do appreciate everything you've done to help me. You don't even have anything at stake here, but you've fought just as hard as I have. You're a good friend." He scratched Fenris behind the ears, and the puppy leaned into him blissfully. "I never would have thought that the Norse god of destruction, prophesied to bring about the apocalypse, would be a romantic," Dipper mused.

Fenris lay down with his head on his paws, and heaved a sigh.

The thing about prophesies, Dipper, is that once they're made, they can't be undone. I don't wantto destroy the world. I like the world. It has steak, and flowers, and bumblebees. Only a monster would wantto destroy bumblebees. I don't want to be a monster.

"Aw, you're not a monster, Fenris," said Dipper gently, stroking the top of the puppy's head.

But I will besomeday. That's why all the gods here hate me. They think I'm inherently evil. But destruction isn't inherently evil. It's the intent behind it. You can't have the newly budding life of spring, without first experiencing the killing frosts of winter.

CLAP. CLAP. CLAP.

Dipper and Fenris both jumped, startled. They turned to see Puck strolling into the room, slow-clapping.

"That was just beautiful, Fenris," simpered Puck. "And may I say, what an adorablelittle bromance you two have going on."

"Ye gods, doesn't anyone in this realm know how to knock?" asked Dipper. "First Beithe walks in on me and Wendy, then you barge in here like you own the place."

Puck grinned widely, and puffed his chest out. "Now that my brother is grounded, I kind of do. Although I'm relegating all the boring ruling stuff to Cernunnos. He's going to be regent whenever I'm away from the Green Realm, which is to say, almost always."

So are you going back into the Mundane with Dipper and the rest of us?

"Oh, absolutely," confirmed Puck, nodding vigorously. "There's no television here. It's dreadfully boring."

Dipper threw his covers off, then realized the towel around his waist had come off in his sleep. He immediately threw the covers back over himself.

"Did either of you happen to see my loincloth lying around?" he asked. "Wendy was supposed to get Bork or one of the other brownies to wash it for me, and bring it to my room."

"Oh, yeah, that was laying on a chair out in your front room. Fenris, would you be a dear and go fetch?"

When I take a larger form again, remind me to bite you, said Fenris, as he hopped off the end of the bed, onto a low stool, and then down to the floor.

"Oh yes, I'll be sure to do that," said Puck. Then, in an aside to Dipper, he mock whispered "I'm really not planning to do that."

Suck a nut, you old goat.

Dipper laughed as Fenris trotted out of the bedchamber. After a moment, he returned, with Dipper's freshly laundered loincloth in his mouth. Dipper leaned over the side of the bed to take it from him.

Sorry about the slobber.

"No big," said Dipper, as he maneuvered the garment onto himself under the blankets. Finally, he emerged. He stood up of the bed, and tugged on the loincloth to straighten it.

"Ah… a bath, a good night's sleep, and clean laundry," said Dipper with a happy sigh. "I feel almost human again."

Fenris sneezed, which seemed to be his way of laughing. Too bad you're not, Goat Boy.

"Yes, I'm aware," said Dipper, wryly. "You'll notice I chose to use the qualifier 'almost.'"

"Okay," said Puck, clapping his hands together. "Do you have any unfinished business in the Green Realm before we head back to the Mundane?"

"Not that I can think of," replied Dipper. "Well, I'd like to smack Cernunnos around a bit, for groping my girlfriend and killing me."

"Yeah, not happening," said Puck. "I think appointing him regent, and then allowing my protégé to smack him around would send the wrong message. Anything else? Any gear you need to bring back with you?"

"Uh, I think Grenda has the backpack with all our supplies now, so no, I guess," said Dipper with a shrug.

"Okay then, come with me. Dipper, you better pick Fenris up," said Puck.

I can walk just fine on my own, thank you.

"Oh, but we're not walking," said Puck with a wink.

Ohhh. Yeah, go ahead and pick me up, Dipper.

"Whatever," said Dipper, as he bent down to pick up the pudgy ball of fluff. "When are we going back to Gravity Falls, anyway?"

"Oh, right about…" Puck looked down at his wrist, then looked up again and giggled. "No watch."

"So when are we leaving?" Dipper asked again.

Puck smiled warmly, and reached out to touch Dipper's shoulder. "Now."

/

"What do you meanPuck already took him back to the Mundane?" cried Wendy. "I thought we were all going together!"

"Calm down, sweetie," said Beithe, resting her hand on her daughter's arm. "Puck took him back to prepare for the ceremony. Plus, it is tradition that the groom doesn't see the bride until the wedding. Now come, let's find you a dress to wear in this enormous wardrobe of yours. The brownies really outdid themselves!"

"I thought you said it wasn't really a wedding?" said Grenda, confused, as she followed the mother and daughter into the small room containing Wendy's numerous dresses.

"It is, and it isn't," said Bork, who was riding on her shoulder. The young brownie had really taken to the troll-kin, and she to him.

"What does that even mean?!" exclaimed Grenda. "Gods are weird."

"Very weird," whispered the brownie, with a giggle.

"I heard that!" called Beithe from the back of the closet.

Wendy wandered among the beautiful garments, overwhelmed with her choices. If she was going to wear this dress for the most important day of her life thus far, it had to be special. However, she didn't want something glitzty and covered with jewels and lace. Glitter and sparkles were Mabel's thing, not hers. Wendy took another look that the winter-themed dresses. It was late December, and although the Green Realm remained spring-like year-round, the temperature was likely to be hovering around freezing in the Mundane.

"What about this one, Wyn?" asked Beithe, holding up a white, lace-covered dress.

"Ew, mom, no," said Wendy. "It looks like a doily."

"There's a really pretty pink one over here!" called Grenda, from the other side of the closet.

"Grenda, have you everseen me wear pink?" asked Wendy, as she continued to thumb through the dresses.

"No," replied Grenda.

"There's a reason why," said Wendy.

"Why?" asked the curious troll-kin.

"Because I hate it," said Wendy simply.

"I may have a suggestion you would like," piped up a small voice. "I helped make it, and you haven't worn it yet. I think it would be beautiful on you. Grenda, can we go over near where Wendy is, in the winter dresses?"

Grenda walked him over, and he began scanning the frocks. Beithe joined them, as he found the dress he was looking for, and pointed it out to Wendy.

"Bork," breathed Wendy. "It's perfect."

/

Mabel clutched the spear tightly, sweat pouring down her face. Her long brown hair was swept up in a loose bun, with a few tendrils springing loose and curling from the moisture. She was barefoot, and her usual turtleneck sweater and skirt had been exchanged for a tight, hot pink tank top and black yoga pants, even though it was cold enough outside that her breath was visible. She ran at Arden, screaming, the deadly point of her spear aimed directly at the goddess's heart.

Arden easily parried the attack, sweeping Mabel's spear aside like it was a foam cosplay sword.

"Weak!" cried the goddess, her curls bouncing like a dark mane around her face, as she twirled her spear, and in one swift move, knocked Mabel's feet out from under her. She planted the butt of her spear in the ground, and leaned against it as she stared down at the prone form of her chosen champion.

"You cannot keep running directly at me like that, Mabel. I know to expect it. And work on your grip—I nearly knocked the spear right out of your hands." She bent over and held a hand out. Mabel grasped the offered hand, and groaned as she stood up.

"I didn't realize protecting the Gravnemeta was going to involve you knocking me on my rump for hours on end," said Mabel, brushing dirt off her backside.

"It is going to for awhile," said Arden, glancing around the sacred grove. "I have to make sure you will be a competent protector before I can risk leaving you here alone for any amount of time. And I have not even begun to teach you about herbalism, laying traps, or invoking wards of protection."

Mabel sighed. "Okay, I think I'm ready for you to kick my butt again. You come at me this time." She walked a few paces away from Arden, planted her feet firmly in the cold soil, and adjusted her grip on the spear, ready to use it for defense instead of offense.

Arden crouched, ready to leap at Mabel, when her eyes went wide.

"Mabel, something's coming. Go hide in the trees!" she whispered.

"But—" started the younger girl.

"Now!" cried Arden.

The urgency in the goddess's voice prompted Mabel to turn and run. Once she reached the tree line, she turned and watched as Arden slowly walked toward the massive oak tree at the center of the Gravnemeta.

A rapid change in air pressure caused Mabel's ears to pop, and a crashing noise like thunder rent the air. In a bright flash of light, something, or someone arrived in the Gravnemeta.

/

At Puck's touch, Dipper felt like he had been struck by lightning. He scrunched his eyes shut and held a hand to his head. With his other hand, he clutched Fenris tightly to his chest.

"What the actual fuckdid you just do?!" Dipper screamed, his eyes still closed tightly, as he fought against the searing pain in his head, and the sudden urge to vomit.

Ah, Puck, a little help here? I think he's going to hork.

Dipper felt Fenris being pulled out of his grasp. "My apologies, Dipper," said Puck, as he sat Fenris on the ground. "I hadn't considered that you would probably have a strong physical reaction to your first time popping from one realm to another."

"Realm… wait, what?!" cried Dipper. He then realized that the breeze he felt was actually quite cold. He slowly opened his eyes, as the pain and nausea faded away. He blinked, looking around. He, Puck, and Fenris were standing in front of the massive oak tree at the center of the sacred grove—the place from which he and Grenda had entered the Green Realm.

"Oh. Puck. It's you," said a sulky female voice from behind them.

Dipper, Puck, and Fenris whipped around, and found themselves face to face with a young woman with untamed coal-black curls which were accentuated by small antlers, and who was dressed in a leather jerkin, her green tights tucked into tall, cuffed leather boots. She gripped a spear loosely with both hands.

"Who's the deer-pirate lady?" asked Dipper, one eyebrow raised. Fenris sneezed.

Puck opened his mouth to answer, but was cut off by a high-pitched shriek from the edge of the clearing.

"DIPPER!"

The new god of mischief turned to see a pink and black blur hurtling at him.

"Mabel?! What are you doing all the way—oof!"

Mabel took a flying leap, and hug-tackled her brother, sending them sprawling onto the ground, nearly landing on Fenris.

Woah, please don't smush the puppy!said Fenris with a small whine.

"Sorry, Fenris," said Dipper, disentangling himself from his sister. "Mabes, this is Fenris."

Nice to meet you. Dipper says you're going to lose your shit. Apparently I'm "just too damn cute."

Mabel seemed not to hear him.

"Oh my gosh, Dipper, you got a puppy?!" she squealed. Still sitting on the ground, she reached forward to grab Fenris, and held him to her chest.

Well, aren't we a little forward?

"Honestly, he's not really mine, Mabel," said Dipper. He struggled to his hooves, and gave Mabel a hand up, while she still clutched Fenris with her other arm.

I'm the Norse god of—

"Whose is he, then? Yours?" she turned to ask Puck. "Who are you, for that matter?"

The elder god swept a low bow. "Puck, god of mischief and mayhem, at your service." He grinned, as he said "And no, Fenris is not mine."

I'm right here, you know. Are you ignoring me on purpose?

"Mabel, he's not really anyone's," said Dipper. "He's actually—"

Mabel squeed and hugged Fenris, then held him up to her face. "Can we keep him Dipper, pleeeease?"

Hello? Pretty girl? Guys, I've never tried to mindspeak with a pure human before. I-I don't think she can hear me.

Arden stepped forward with a disapproving frown. "Mabel, you do not understand. That is not a normal puppy. He is actually a—"

"REALLY rare breed from the Green Realm!" interrupted Puck, grinning excitedly. He nudged Dipper.

"Oh, yeah, superrare," added Dipper with a chuckle. "And yes, he can stay with us, Mabel."

Dipper… I am sogoing to pee in your bed.

"Mabel, I really must protest—" began Arden.

"Oh, I almost forgot to introduce you!" cried Mabel. "Dipper, this is Arden. She's a goddess, and I'm gonna be her priestess/ass-kicking champion. Arden, this is my brother, Dipper. I already told you about him. He went to rescue Wendy…who…is… wait. Where's Wendy, Dipper? Didn't you rescue her? And… oh my gosh, is Grenda okay?!"

Dipper laid a comforting hand on Mabel's shoulder. "I did indeed rescue Wendy. Grenda helped, a lot. She's actually kind of awesome. They're both fine. They will be returning to our realm today, with Wendy's mom."

"Wait… Wendy's mom?!" screeched Mabel. "Dipper, I literally can't even right now. You have to tell me everything."

"Actually," interjected Puck, "it is quite fortuitous that you and your very excitable priestess-in-training are out here, Arduinna. I have been tasked with preparing the Gravnemeta for a handfasting ritual, to take place at nightfall, and honestly, I have no idea what I'm doing. You've always been better at that kind of thing. Will you help me? Dipper can take Fenris and his sister back to town to notify Wendy's family (and their few friends that know about all this god business) about tonight's celebration, and get all fancy…or whatever it is humans do before they get married."

Arden cast a glance at Dipper, who grinned widely at her, with his hands clasped in front of him. "Please, lady? It's Puck. If you make him prepare for the ritual by himself he'll probably turn the whole thing into a series of pranks."

"Very well," said Arden, with a nod and a small smile. "Dipper, Mabel, you should head back to town now. It is a fair walk, and nightfall comes early this time of the year."

Mabel, whose eyes had gone wide when she had heard Puck say "Dipper," "Wendy," and "married" in the same breath, turned to her brother.

"Okay, if what I think is happening tonight is, in fact what is happening tonight, I reallyneed you to tell me everything."

Dipper laughed. "Come on sis, I'll tell you on the way back to town. And then you get to tell me about this whole 'becoming a priestess' thing."

Dipper and Mabel waved to their respective mentors, and turned to begin their trek back to Gravity Falls; the Norse god of destruction curled up, fast asleep, in Mabel's arms.

/

Dipper and Mabel entered the Mystery Shack through the house entrance, as opposed to the gift shop entrance. Dipper wasn't fond of the idea of running into any tourists who would take pictures of him, thinking he was one of the exhibits.

"Soos? Melody?" called Mabel, as they walked into the living room. Fenris, still cradled against her chest, stretched and yawned, blinking sleepily.

Your sister smells like candy.

Dipper laughed. "I'm not surprised. You should see the amount of sugar she eats."

"What?" asked Mabel. "Who are you talking to, Dipstick?"

"Oh, uh…no one," he said. "I was just remembering the punchline to a really funny joke."

You ass. You really aren't going to tell her I'm not a normal dog, are you?

Dipper smiled and shook his head in the negative.

"Soos? Mel?" Mabel called out again.

Pacifica stuck her head through the door connecting the house to the shop. "They're not here right now, Mabel. They…Dipper! You're back!" She was through the door in a flash, and before Dipper could react, she had her arms wrapped tightly around his shirtless torso.

Dipper looked at Mabel, confused. He awkwardly patted Pacifica on the top of the head.

"Get it out of your system now, Paz. Dipper and Wendy are getting marriedtonight!" said Mabel, with a hint of evil glee.

Pacifica shot back from Dipper as if electrocuted. "Married?! That lucky bitch…"

Dipper sighed. "Mabel, I told you… handfasting isn't technically marriage."

Dipper, stop trying to fool yourself, man. You're essentially getting married tonight.

"Dipper, stop trying to get around it," said Mabel. "You're committing yourself to Wendy tonight, in an ancient, ritualistic ceremony. You're getting married, bro-bro."

Dipper—your sister? I like.

"Don't you get any ideas, Fenris," said Dipper, shaking a finger at the bundle of fur in Mabel's arms.

The puppy whimpered, and cocked his head to the side.

"Uh…Dipper…Fenris isn't doing anything?" said Mabel, narrowing her eyes at her brother. "Did becoming a god break your brain or something?"

"Holy crap, what a cute puppy!" cried Pacifica, brushing past Dipper to pet Fenris. Apparently the news that Dipper was getting married was enough to snap Pacifica out of pining after the newly handsomed-up male Pines twin.

Dude, I am liking this realmsaid Fenris, as the two girls fawned over him.

Dipper rolled his eyes. "Mabel, since Soos and Melody aren't here right now, why don't you wait for them, so you can explain about…well, everything. I'll be back an hour or two before nightfall, to walk with you to the sacred grove." He reached out, and pulled Fenris out of Mabel's hands.

"Aw, you're taking the puppy with you?" whined Mabel. Pacifica crossed her arms over her chest and pouted at Dipper.

"Sorry, guys, but I'm gonna need him for moral support," said Dipper, with a shrug. He sat Fenris down, and the god of destruction immediately began sniffing around the room.

"Moral support?" asked Pacifia. "Why?"

Dipper took a deep breath, and paused, before slowly letting it out.

"Because I'm about to go talk to Wendy's dad."

Oh, this is gonna be interesting.

/

"You still haven't told me why you're here, Arduinna," said Puck, as he nonchalantly conjured seating for the ceremony to be held later. "This has been my home for decades. Why is it suddenly of interest to other gods?"

The goddess picked up a fallen oak branch, and used it to draw a circle in the soil large enough for three people to stand inside. "I did not know this was your home, Puck. Nobody knew where you were. I only found out from Mabel a few days ago that you were here."

"That doesn't tell me why you're suddenly so interested in protecting the Gravnemeta," said Puck. He picked up a handful of dirt, whispered to it, and then tossed it up into the air, where the cloud of dust was transformed into tiny specks of light that hovered low over the clearing.

"Something has happened," said Arden, as she began walking the perimeter of the clearing, picking up small dry twigs which had fallen from all the different trees. "There has been a shift. The Green Realm is no longer at the center of the realms. It has been displaced by the Mundane Realm. The Gravnemeta is now the exact center—the nexus point that all other realms touch. You know what that means—what types of beasts and gods could enter. Thatis why I am here, and am training a champion."

"Oh," said Puck. "Yeah, that's definitely not good. This place is weird enough already." He scratched his chin. "Out of curiosity, when did this shift occur?"

"About four months ago," said Arden. She returned to the circle, and laid the sticks in the center, piled as kindling for a very small fire.

"Weirdmageddon," whispered Puck. "That godsdamned interdimensional dorito."

"I am sorry, but are you speaking actual words?" asked Arden, looking up from her task.

"I know what caused the shift," said Puck, with a sigh. "Luckily, the source has already been dealt with. By our protégés, and my protégé's bride-to-be, in fact. It's unfortunate that although they've saved the world once already, they have to continue saving it."

"Well, I'm going to be here, training Mabel, and helping protect the Gravnemeta too," said Arden. "Now that you know the stakes, won't you help protect it with us?"

"Psh," said Puck, waving his hand lazily. "Absolutely not. I would miss way too much good t.v."

/

Refreshed from his nap in Mabel's arms, Fenris bounced and trotted as he followed Dipper through the woods toward the Corduroy cabin.

What are you going to tell him? I mean, he'll be happy you rescued Wendy and her mom, right? So, you shouldn't be too scared to tell him you're marrying his only daughter tonight.

Dipper was trembling slightly, and not just from the cold. "Fenris, you haven't seen this guy. He's called ManlyDan for a reason. He's huge, and scary, and good with an axe."

But he's a normal mortal, right? So, he can't kill you, even if he tries.

"Well, yeah," said Dipper. "But that doesn't mean that being bludgeoned into a pulp by him would feel good, or anything."

Fenris sneezed. I suppose not. Too bad someone else couldn't tell him instead of you.

Dipper came to an abrupt halt, causing Fenris to run into the back of his legs.

"Fenris, dude. You just gave me an idea," said Dipper, grinning. He bent down and scooped up the puppy, and trotted the rest of the way to the Corduroy home at a brisk pace.

Your sister gave me a much more comfortable ridecomplained Fenris, as they entered the clearing that was still strung with Wendy's fairy lights.

"Ugh, don't say that," said Dipper. "That just sounds…wrong." He sat Fenris down, and walked the rest of the way toward the house.

As he made for the front door, he heard the dull THWACK of firewood being split coming from the back of the cabin. Dipper made his way around back, instead.

Manly Dan Corduroy stood, axe in the air over his shoulder, ready to split another piece of wood, when he saw Dipper round the corner. He cocked his head to the side, and slowly lowered the axe to the ground.

Fenris stopped in his tracks behind Dipper. Oh. He is a big human.

"H-hi Mr. Corduroy," stammered Dipper.

Manly Dan's eyes widened in recognition. "Dipper Pines! Where's my Wendy?! And what the hell is going on with your bottom half…and your forehead?"

Dipper held his palms up. "First of all, don't worry—Wendy is safe, and unharmed. As for my furrier and hornier—oh gods—horned parts: I kind got myself turned into a god of mischief, in order to get into the Green Realm to rescue her."

"If she's safe, why isn't she here?" asked Manly Dan sharply, advancing toward Dipper.

Dipper took a step back, nearly tripping over Fenris. "She will be back tonight. She had something to take care of in the Green Realm before coming home. You know the sacred grove where you handfasted your wife? The entrance to the Green Realm is there. Wendy would love you and your sons to meet her there at nightfall tonight."

Manly Dan stared blankly at Dipper for a moment, before breaking into a huge grin. He crossed the distance between himself and Dipper in two strides, and picked the young satyr up off the ground in a rib-crushing hug.

"Thank you for rescuing my baby girl!" said the lumberjack, his voice slightly choked up. "I can never repay you!"

"Can't—breathe," Dipper managed to squeak out.

Manly Dan sat Dipper back on his hooves. "I gotta go tell the boys! Will you be there tonight, too?"

Dipper grinned as he rubbed his ribs. "You better believe it."

As Dan ran back into the cabin to tell Wendy's brothers the good news, Fenris stood on his hind legs, placing his front paws on Dipper's knees.

Uh, Dipper, you didn't tell him about you handfasting his daughter, or the fact that we rescued his wife as well.

Dipper winked at the puppy. "That was the idea. I'm hoping the shock and joy of seeing Beithe again after six years will outweigh the surprise and dismay of his daughter getting married."

Fenris sneezed. And if it doesn't, at least there will be other people and gods around to keep the bloodshed to a minimum.

Dipper's grin faltered slightly. "R-right. Well, now that this has been taken care of, let's get back to the Mystery Shack. I have a handfasting to get ready for."