Disgraceful
Chapter 5
Lily
During some time in the past twenty minutes, Lily knew she had gone from feeling warm and tipsy to screeching-along-to-the-music-until-her-throat-turned-raw drunk. Sweat trickled down her temples in streams, strands of hair stuck to the back of her neck despite the ponytail she'd secured them into before leaving the apartment. She was grinning too wide, cheeks hurting, face flushed red, and it was the best fucking party she had attended in quite a long time.
She was immensely grateful to Dorcas for forcing her to step out after classes despite all of her earlier protests.
One thought leading to another in rapid succession, Lily rather suddenly found the need to slither out from the circle of her MBA classmates, all of them indulging in varying states of inebriation, to pull out her phone and look for the contact she wanted.
WhatsApp Private Chat
Lily Evans to Mary Macdonald
21/8/2021 12:31 a.m.
xxxxxx
Lily: you shoud be ashamed
Of yoursled
Mary: Hello there, Lil
I see you're incredibly sober
Lily: this PARTy Mary im in loeveee
cannot beliv
you didn't cvoem
coem*
Mary: I caught stomach flu love
You were the one who wouldn't let me go
Lily: no
Mary: What do you mean no?
Lily: this si a gOOD PARTY
Mary: I guess we're on a single-track conversation then
Good for you, babe
Do you need me to come get you?
Lily: no I'm n
Hi Mary
Dorcas here
Lily's fine, her texts suggest she's drunker than she actually is
We'll get her home safely don't worry
Mary: Thanks Dor
Now, you really do seem sober
Go get drunk, bitch
Lily: Oh believe me, I am drunk
I just have incredible hand-eye coordination
ses telling hte truth Maru
she jsut threw upp
got my phone back
Mary: I can see that
Give me a call if you need anything at all okay?
Lily: ok love yuo
Lily smiled down at her screen, shoulders shimmying along with the music in the pub. Dorcas had retreated back into the crowd again, so Lily ambled over to the women's loo, suddenly realizing that her bladder was too full.
However, most unfortunately, by the time she made it to the door of the washroom, the overhead light fixtures lining the hallway had suspiciously started to sway in her vision. And it was only seconds later that she found herself hunched over a toilet bowl, retching out the shots she'd happily downed over an hour ago. Her throat burned, eyes watered, stomach heaved, and even her mouth tasted bitter now. To think she'd been writing sonnets—or drunken texts, but what was the difference, really?—to Mary about how brilliant she'd been feeling just minutes back.
"Gross," she rasped, flushing and stepping out of the stall to wash her hands and rinse her mouth.
Even worse, when she managed to make her way out of the loo, her heeled feet had finally given up on any attempt at coordination, and she stumbled against the hallway wall with an irritated click of her tongue.
"You alright, Lily?"
She looked up, nose already scrunched in distaste at the sound of that voice. Perhaps a more sober Lily Evans would have at least pretended to not be quite this displeased, but present Lily Evans had apparently lost control over her facial muscles as well.
Severus Snape stood a few feet away from her, face pulled into something that looked like sympathy—it was hard to discern for sure—and annoyingly enough, blocking her exit back to the dance floor. He was studying to complete his MBA with a specialization in Finance, unlike Lily's Marketing. During the first couple of months of interaction, she'd actually thought he was a smart, wise, and often misunderstood person, ostracized based on his appearance and introverted personality.
But then he'd taken to commenting nasty things about her other friends—gradually at first, and then almost on a regular basis; relentless until Lily would threaten to walk away from the conversation if he didn't stop. And she'd realized just how inaccurately she'd judged him when he'd started spouting off racist and bigoted political views, cornering her with obsessive accusations if she ever decided to hang out with Dorcas or Mary instead of him.
Eventually, when their arguments started spiralling out of control with no end in sight, she'd had no choice but to cut off her ties with him, going so far as to tell him that she despised the way his mind worked. Though, from the way he still tended to behave around her sometimes, Lily often wondered if he'd really understood anything she'd said at all.
"Fine, Severus. You don't need to worry."
He frowned, stepping forward. "You don't look fine to me."
"Seriously, I'm just a little tipsy." She made to move past him, self-consciously tugging at the hem of her silver dress, only just having realized that it had ridden up while she'd been hunched over in the toilet. "I can handle myself, there's no need for you to bother."
"Lily—" cold fingers wrapped around the crook of her elbow, and even in her current state, Lily felt her body lock up with awareness at the unwelcome touch. Her eyes travelled up slowly, stopping to fix a glare at Snape's unimpressed face. "Come on, let me drop you home."
"Leave my arm."
He made an impatient noise. "You're in no state—"
"All good here, Lil?"
She could have kissed Dorcas on the mouth. With a relieved exhale, Lily shook off Snape's grip, and trying not to trip over her own feet, stalked to the end of the hallway. Dorcas stood there with her arms crossed over her chest, an unfocused but nonetheless disgusted stare levelled on Snape. Lily was certain she'd never seen anyone that drunk and dressed in a hot pink bodycon dress look so intimidating in her life.
"All good, Dor. Let's go."
Blue eyes flickered down to look at her, the hardness in them dissolving a little. "You sure?"
"Yeah." She looped her arm through Dorcas's, steering them back towards the bar. "I think I should go home now, before I embarrass myself."
"Don't be silly, you're not going to do that. Let's return to the group, and we'll drop you home."
"Oh, there's no need," said Lily, fingers already fumbling to find her phone and drop another hastily typed text to Mary, asking her to pick her up from The Orange Mint bar. "There. I just texted Mary. I'll go down some glasses of water until she gets here. I don't want you lot to have to leave early because of me."
"You're such a dolt, Lily. No one would have minded." Dorcas shook her head fondly. "But you're absolutely sure?"
"Yes. Now get lost, please."
"I can wait with you, you know."
Lily chuckled, noticing the clouded expression that took over Dorcas's face. "It's okay. Snape's not going to bother me anymore, love. You scared him off for good."
"Oh, I wish." Dorcas smiled ruefully. "Well, alright, then. But if anything happens at all, I'm just a really, really loud holler away."
"You got it."
"See you later, Lil." She kissed her cheek in goodbye before squealing her way back into the melee.
Lily smiled to herself, requesting the bartender for some cold water. "And keep them coming please, there's a lot of alcohol here to be countered."
But once she'd emptied her first glass, and then her second, her stomach started gurgling uncomfortably again, throat closing up with the sensation of nausea. "Ugh," she moaned, dropping her head—which suddenly seemed to weigh a ton—into her hands, elbows propped up on the neon bar counter. "Get here faster, Mare."
"You know, drinking so much water when you're already drunk will make you vomit more," said a voice to her right. Lily twisted her head, found a man with overly-gelled dark hair and a square-shaped face grinning lazily at her. "How about I buy you a drink instead, love?"
"Ugh," she repeated, this time softer, under her breath. Was this really her fate? Getting hit on by a guy at the bar who thought he could get it on with an obviously drunk woman? She chanced a glance at him again; still smirking like a moron. He wasn't even that attractive, so the arrogance on him felt even more misplaced. "Think I'll pass, thanks."
"Come now, don't be like that—"
"Listen, here, you tosser," she snarled, and was happy to note that he reeled back in surprise at the unexpected venom in her voice. Perhaps she could celebrate more if her skull wasn't literally pounding in time with the music. "I've had my fill of dealing with men who can't fucking take a hint for today. No, fuck that, it's more than a hint—it's a very obvious refusal, alright? I'm not interested. So can you please, for the love of God, leave me the fuck alone?!"
A beat of silence passed, and then the bartender laughed sharply. "Sorry, but good for you," he said, passing her another glass of water before turning away.
Lily shrugged a shoulder, eyeing the liquid warily. She didn't want to admit it, but the idiot two stools over hadn't been entirely wrong; nausea still churned away inside her body.
"That was incredibly rude," said gel boy, now sulking.
"Fuck off."
"You really need some manners—"
"Nope, can't deal with this." Lily hopped off the stool, grabbed her purse and made her way across the room towards the exit. On the way out, she caught Dorcas's eye, waving at the girl to let her know she was leaving. Dorcas waved back, miming a phone call so that Lily knew to inform her once she got home. With a nod and a final wave, Lily stepped out into the cool night air.
The street outside was relatively empty, save for a few stragglers who were leaving the club in groups. She closed her eyes, tilted her head up at the sky to stave off the spin of colours; of course, that only made the sensation worse, and she grimaced at the barely-there stars.
"Having fun?"
Her lips parted, stomach lurching to her throat at the sound of that voice. She didn't even need to look, but her eyes travelled back down regardless.
A car, parked naught but a few feet in front of her, its windows rolled down, and James Potter's amused face peeking out from the driver's seat. He cocked a brow, tilted his head in greeting.
"Hi, Evans."
And there it was—the catalyst her body very much had not needed; the sudden nervousness from seeing him, coupled with her already-fragile composition, had Lily stumbling towards the nearest trashcan and vomiting again. And again.
"Kill me," she moaned, ribs aching and face heating all over. And then, to add to her humiliation, a few moments later, she felt the nicest, warmest touch against her back, drawing gentle motions over her spine as James kept the few escaped strands of her hair pulled back from her face. "Really, kill me now."
"It's alright, Evans," he laughed softly, clearly not understanding that she couldn't stand to look at him right now. "Better to get it out of your system."
"Please, that's not what I want to hear just now," complained Lily, straightening slowly and accepting the small bottle of water he extended to her. She kept her gaze firmly in the vicinity of his chest, not daring to look up and—undoubtedly—discover that he was disgusted by her. She splashed some water on her face, praying the water-proof makeup would hold, and rinsed out her mouth. "Thank you."
"You're welcome."
"But what the fuck are you actually doing here?"
He sighed, then, the sound long and exaggerated enough that she had to finally catch his gaze. Funnily enough, he was still smiling with no visible disgust on his face, and before she could open her mouth and ask him anything, he waved a phone screen in front of her eyes.
"I thought it might've been a mistake, but…I was awake and bored, so."
WhatsApp Private Chat
Lily Evans to James Potter
20/8/2021 12:53 a.m.
xxxxxx
Lily: I take it bacj party not so goof
pls pick me up
Organeg Mnit
"Took me a minute to understand that last bit, if I'm being honest, but thankfully the place was near enough that it was guessable."
Lily could only stare with horror-struck eyes, and then, because staring at the bright light was scalding her eyeballs, she pressed fingertips against her temples, a strangled sort of sound escaping her. "Oh my God, that was meant for Mary."
"Yeah, I figured," James said, entirely too gleeful as he pocketed his phone.
"I must have sent it to you because your chat was on the top, from when I asked you about Raskolnikov this morning," she babbled. And then, "Oh my God, I'm really fucking drunk."
"Yes, I think the wrong text, the vomiting, and the groaning alerted me to the fact already, Evans. And while I can't say that I'm not enjoying this interaction, I think it's best if we return home, yeah?"
"Kill me."
"You said that already," he laughed, wrapping an arm around her waist and leading her to the car that he'd parked just ahead. The warmth from his touch seeped into her skin only too easily, and Lily tried not to sag against his side like some useless rag-doll.
"Alright, Evans?"
Lily grunted noncommittally, eyes closed, head resting against the window as James drove them back. She wanted to melt down to her bones and become one with the car seat out of embarrassment; there was absolutely no chance he found her hot anymore, if he ever had to begin with. She was doomed to suffer this one-sided crush up until one of them vacated their apartment, because from the way her body had started reacting to his, she knew the attraction was not about to die down anytime soon.
Didn't help that he smelled so good at one in the morning and looked like a cosy dream in his black t-shirt and jeans while she'd just hurled her guts out inside a trash can in front of him.
"Ugh, do you have a breath mint by any chance?"
"As a matter of fact…" Lily popped an eye open to find him gesturing towards the glove compartment.
No way.
She opened the compartment, rummaged around for a second, and sure enough—a tiny tin of breath mints clattered noisily in her hand. She popped three into her mouth—the overkill burned, but she was beyond caring—and sat back again, somehow feeling even more cheated now.
So, the man carried breath mints in his car, too. He just kept giving her more and more reasons to have wet dreams about him, while she must have just reminded him that her mouth tasted funny because of all the puking she had done.
Lovely. Fan-fucking-tastic.
"Oh, what the hell," James suddenly complained, and Lily didn't feel the need to ask him why. The answer was quite obvious; it had abruptly started pouring buckets outside.
"Good thing we're inside the car, eh?" she commented lamely.
Jesus, what a dumb thing to say.
"It is." James laughed softly, and she assumed he was trying to be kind to her. "By the way, you never mentioned why the party wasn't good."
"What's that?" She paused, wondering what he was talking about before her brain caught up. Fuck, it hurt to think things. "God, that was just—this one boy in my class I used to be friends with. He's not the best sort of company. And then there was that idiot at the bar…" Lily sighed, too tired to elaborate. "You know what? It doesn't matter. I left."
"Yeah, you did." His gaze flicked over to her for a second. "You're alright though, yeah? Nothing happened?"
"If you mean, am I alright apart from feeling like someone is sawing through my brain matter? Then yes, peachy."
He chuckled. "You are really something."
Hmm. Was that a good something?
Probably best not to ask, she decided.
Soon enough, their building came into view, and Lily breathed a sigh of relief. At least she wouldn't be embarrassing herself publicly anymore.
"Go on," James said, halting in front of the entrance. "Go inside. I'll park the car and come."
"But…" Lily lingered, fingers brushing the handle. "It's raining."
James smirked. "I can see that, Evans."
"Do you have an umbrella?"
"Nope."
"Then you'll get wet."
"That's right." He looked like he was trying not to laugh. "I will."
"Oh," she said, feeling incredibly stupid. "That's sad."
"Are you quite done?" He asked, one hand propped up on the wheel as he stared at her, mirth shining blatantly in hazel eyes.
"God. Yes, sorry," Lily mumbled, practically shooting out of the car and into the building as fast as her unsteady feet could carry her—which was not very fast at all, on account of the world swaying before her once more. Why the hell did she think it'd be a good idea to have mixed drinks again?
All she wanted to do was escape inside the confines of her flat and not give herself any more chances to look like an idiot in front of James. But after everything the bloke had done for her—when he so evidently did not have to—she knew she owed it to him to wait for him and extend a proper thank you.
A few minutes later, when Lily noticed James walking inside the building and making his way towards her, the air from her lungs fairly whooshed out. She clenched her thighs, pulse beating madly between her legs.
Boy, was he hot.
The torrential rain outside had effectively plastered his t-shirt to his chest and stomach, droplets littering the skin of his arms, his face, and dotting his glasses. He took them off as he walked closer, wiping the lenses with the hem of his t-shirt, and Lily knew she was doing an awful job of trying to keep her jaw from hitting the floor.
It wasn't her fault, not really—her facial muscles still hadn't regained complete control. It was taking too much effort to keep standing upright, as it was.
By the time James had slipped the glasses back on and looked up at her, she was certain her cheeks had identical splotches of red on them; a total giveaway of her twisting insides.
His brows shot up, disappearing into the fringe of his hair, which now fell damply over his forehead. "You alright?" he asked, and maybe she was imagining the hoarseness in his voice now, but it only had her biting her lip and looking away.
"Yeah," Lily managed, only slightly ashamed that the word came out on a heavy exhale.
Fuck, she needed to get away from him.
The thought had only just materialized in her head when the elevator doors dinged to signal their arrival. She pulled in a steadying breath, pushed off from the wall she'd been leaning on—
and promptly stumbled forward when her heel decided to skid off balance.
"Be careful, would you?" James huffed softly, his arm once again wrapping around her waist to keep her standing. Lily felt her heart thud somewhere near the base of her throat, ears warming from his proximity.
She nodded jerkily and motioned for him to enter the lift, unable to trust herself to speak anymore.
However, it took only for the doors to close for her to realize that inside was worse. Much, much worse. She breathed deeply, tried not to be so fucking aware of his presence behind her, tried not to focus on the way her body wanted to fit snugly against his.
It was the alcohol, she was certain. It was making her feel too needy and vulnerable—the combination incredibly dangerous, given current company.
Buggering hell, four floors had never seemed so high before; the lift never quite this slow.
"Wow, you're really red," James whispered, his voice low, cutting through the silence in the space like lightning across a clouded sky. She held her voice, breath stuck in her lungs, but then a brush of his thumb, soft, along the nape of her neck, had Lily exhaling shakily, turning around to face him. "Burning, right here."
He was close, too close, and the nearness was heady, insanity-inducing.
Her fingers reached out tentatively, gripped the damp cotton of his t-shirt, over his abdomen, as if terrified to do anything more, but unable to do any less. Not daring to blink, she let her eyes travel up to his, sucking in a quiet breath when she noticed the dilated pupils, the barely-there hazel. His gaze dropped to her mouth, the thumb still resting against her neck sliding to whisper over her jaw.
Somewhere in the distance, the doors to the elevator opened on the fourth floor.
Lily could barely pay attention to something so inconsequential, not when he was still looking at her like that, not when the thudding inside her chest had reached such worrisome levels. No, the only thing that made sense in that moment was to pull herself closer to him using the grip on his t-shirt; to tilt her head so that she could press her lips to the line of his jaw; to taste the water that still clung to his skin with her tongue. The shadow of his stubble tickled on contact, and she turned her face, nose pressing against his neck, right against the place where she could feel his heartbeat.
James let out a soft sigh, fingers disappearing back to play with her hair.
"Lily," he whispered again, and she glanced up to see his eyes flitting across her face questioningly. In response, she could only lean up, eyes fluttering shut as she felt his breath fan across her mouth. "Lily… we can't."
They felt like an unexpected punch to the gut, those two words; or perhaps a splash of freezing water. Effective, to say the least.
Her eyes flashed open, humiliation creeping up her spine and tinting her face read when she read the pinch of his brows, the downturn of his lips; it was a rejection through and through.
"What?" she asked, waited for him to say that she'd misheard him. But he held his regret, and she took a step back. Another. God, she felt like such a fool. "I don't get it. I thought—I thought you wanted—you started—"
"I know. I'm so sorry," James mumbled, appearing almost pained as he ran a frustrated hand through his hair. "It's not like I don't—I mean, you're just drunk, and I don't want to presume—"
"Seriously?" She blinked, eyes wide. "If that's what you're worried about, please don't be. I'm fine, James. Hardly as drunk as I was when you found me outside the bar. It's not like I'm letting you convince me into doing something I don't want to."
"I just don't think it's a good idea." He winced. "I don't want you to wake up and regret anything."
"Are you listening to me? I won't."
He seemed to chew upon her words and conviction for a couple of beats. Lily watched him carefully, unable to read the thoughts churning through his head. And after what might as well have been a lifetime and a half, what he ultimately said was: "You can barely even walk without tripping, Evans."
She gritted her teeth, hated that she didn't have an instant retort to that. Truth be told, Lily felt like she'd sobered up exponentially over the past two minutes alone thanks to the rush of anticipation and then the whiplash of disappointment he'd gifted her. But with the way the night had progressed, with the way she'd already made a fool of herself and more in front of James, she couldn't bring herself to tell him any of that, especially since she didn't want to lay herself bare and expose her feelings to him anymore.
She wouldn't stand inside a fucking elevator and beg her neighbour to snog her.
"Fine," she snapped, perhaps more nastily than she'd meant to, "I'll see you around then, Potter. Goodnight."
"Lily…"
But she'd already punched the button to open the doors again, and before the embarrassed tears gathering in her eyes could spill and make matters worse, Lily hurried down the hall towards 4C, ringing the doorbell and resolutely not looking back.
A few seconds later, she heard the soft thud of a door shutting closed across the space. He hadn't tried to speak to her again.
A/N - Things get interesting from here...
