"I wouldn't have been able to do this without you Lydia"
Susan cornered Lydia during the reception and pulled her away into an offside room, away from the guests. Lydia gladly let herself be pulled away. Despite the happy occasion there was an inescapable tension at the wedding reception.
The absence of a Calormen delegate had not gone unnoticed by some of the guests and the Pevensies were having to cope with some difficult questions. The mention of Rabadash's attempted kidnapping was enough to satisfy most of the old men and women who had appeared merely to drink Cair Pavarel's supply of wine and criticise the young age of Narnia's rulers but there were murmurs about why Lucy hadn't accepted the hand of the Calormen prince instead.
Not to mention the fact that no one except the Pevensies seemed to want Lydia there.
"Susan, I don't really know what you mean."
Susan grasped Lydia's hands and smiled, "Before you arrived, I never questioned my duty to Narnia. Certainly I would have not married Rabadash but equally I would not have had the bravery to accept Glendan's proposal; a queen should marry to benefit her country, not for love. You changed my mind and I couldn't be happier."
Lydia looked into the older girl's brown eyes that were glistening with tears,
"If this is about Peter, I'm sure he'll come around, it's probably just a shock for him" she said softly.
Susan shook her head. "Edmund and Lucy's reactions were due to shock of how I kept this from them. Peter, however," she sighed, "Peter's reaction goes beyond wanting to protect us all. I worry that tension between Calormen and Narnia are worse than he is letting on."
Lydia swallowed, "Do you think this will mean war?" she asked.
Susan paused for a moment before answering and Lydia felt her heart sink, "I don't know, we'll have to see." She removed her hands from Lydia's suddenly, her courtier smile returning, "We better move, I'm sure Glendan will be looking for me to start the dancing."
Lydia nodded, "I'll follow you in, I just need a moment."
As soon as Susan had left, Lydia felt tears pricking at her eyelids. That was now both Edmund and Susan who had mentioned the possibility of a war in the last couple of days.
She cleared her throat, "Aslan, if I can speak to you like you said, I could really do with someone to talk to right now."
No reply
"Aslan, please, I know it wasn't a dream, I know you spoke to me."
Still no reply
"Should've known it wouldn't work." She muttered.
"Oh I don't know about that, it's worked for me a couple of times". Lydia whipped her head round and saw Edmund leaning in the doorframe.
A blush began to creep its way up Lydia's neck, "I didn't know anyone was there sorry."
Edmund shrugged, "Its nothing to be embarrassed about, I used to ask him for advice in the beginning as well"
Lydia noticed his expression became almost melancholy, "Why did you stop then?"
Edmund smiled sadly, "Because back then I felt like I needed Aslan's advice, I had no confidence in myself or my actions."
"But I do have confidence in myself," Lydia insisted, "I know I have to get home."
He chuckled, "You're new here, you're bound to feel unsure of yourself. I'm sure you'll settle down eventually."
His smile soon vanished when Lydia glared at him, a glare he had seen on his elder sister when she was particularly angry. "Now hang on," he started to stay but Lydia cut him off angrily.
"Why does no one understand that I don't want to settle down? I know you don't know how to send me back so I've been trying to just get on with things but the situation here is becoming too much to handle." She waved a hand in frustration, "From the sounds of things, you're all ready to march off to battle. No talk of negotiation or compromise or anything. Just war and death and destruction."
She could feel her eyes burning as tears threatened to fall.
Edmund took a step towards here, "That's why we need you so much Lydia" he said, trying to keep a level tone, "I might feel like I don't need Aslan for my own personal battles but this is different. This is His country and we need to know what to do."
Lydia sighed, "I don't want to become some sort of messenger" she murmured, "I just want to go home."
Edmund visibly swallowed, "Do you really hate it that much here?" he said so quietly that Lydia felt that if she said yes, it would, for a reason she couldn't guess, break his heart.
He was the only person she could tell the truth to.
"I don't hate it here," she said gently, "but I can't stay either. My mother is incredibly sick and as my dad is dead, I'm the only one who can look after her." She choked back a sob. "She needs me more than you do."
She blinked back tears as Edmund, reached for her hand,
"Lydia, I-"
"No," she whispered, letting the tears flow now. "There's nothing you can say."
She sounded so defeated that Edmund stepped back dumbfounded allowing her to slip past him.
The reception was still in full swing so Lydia headed back up the stairs, dodging drunk singing diplomats and into her room.
She shut the door and pressed her hot forehead against the cool woodframe. The silence felt good, a part of her wondered if she could just stay in this room until there was a way she could go home.
She blinked and then the door fell away and Aslan was there.
"Aslan?" Lydia took a step forward but bright light emanating from the lion seemed to hold her back.
"Aslan", she tried again, "Is that you?"
"You are correct, child. I have come to speak to you." His voice was rich like honey and soothing but Lydia shook her head, she refused to be drawn under his spell.
"You said last time that until I let go of my old world, I wouldn't belong." she said and waited until Aslan's nod of confirmation before continuing, "And I have been trying, I promise I have." She closed her eyes, "But if Narnia goes to war, I want to go home."
Aslan's eyes became grave, "I have seen your struggles and are aware of them. I was perhaps mistaken in believing someone from your time could fulfil the required task after events in your own world."
Lydia nodded "I cannot be part of this, not after my dad." she whispered.
"But do you not feel a need to help those you care about here?" Aslan asked
Lydia's response was immediate, "I'm needed more at home." she said.
Aslan's eyes filled with tears and Lydia looked away quickly feeling suddenly ashamed of herself, like she'd done something wrong.
"And if that is what you believe, Daughter of Eve, I cannot change it. And so you shall leave and return to your world."
Lydia gasped, "You mean I can go home?" she didn't quite dare to believe it.
She tried to move closer to the lion, to thank him but again it felt as if something was stopping her.
"You shall return if you wish by going back to the clearing from which you arrived." Aslan's voice was solemn and a small niggling voice in Lydia's mind was telling her that this was all a mistake but the thought of finally leaving Narnia was overwhelming.
"Thank you so much Aslan, I'm sorry I couldn't be what you wanted but thank you for letting me go home."
Aslan shook his head, "You have not learnt enough from Narnia in your short stay here. That is why if you leave, you will not remember anything from your time here."
Lydia was about to nod and say that was fine but the words wouldn't form in her mouth. The white light around Aslan seemed to glow brighter until she could barely see his outline.
"Is that why the trees don't speak to me anymore?" she asked suddenly.
"The trees only speak to those who are chosen" Aslan's voice was almost angry but instead of feeling her temper rise, Lydia only felt emptiness.
It was, however, a price she was happy to pay.
"The choice is yours, Daughter of Eve." Similar to her last encounter, Aslan's voice began to echo as her room in Cair Pavarel formed around her.
The light faded and Lydia found herself sat on her bed, dressed in a nightgown. She looked around for a moment and crawled under the covers, expecting to spend the night deep in thought. She'd barely taken in the encounter with Aslan, however, when sleep took her and she fell into a deep slumber.
#
The question of whether to tell the Pevensies what she'd discussed with Aslan occupied most of Lydia's thoughts the next morning. The obvious choice of who to confide in was Susan, who Lydia felt would respond in her calm and logical manner. Unfortunately, this was impossible as Susan had left for her honeymoon that morning.
"You will write if anything happens won't you" the older girl had said to her on the castle steps that morning.
Lydia had smiled, "Susan, you're only going away for a few days. Enjoy it. Don't worry about what's happening here."
Susan had laughed, "I've got to go and meet Glendan's family" she said, "I'm too nervous to enjoy it."
Lydia had laughed and hugged the girl before going to watch their departure from one of the windows. It was impossible for her to imagine how Susan could think Glendan's family would reject their queen.
She idly wondered what would have happened if she'd arrived before the Pevenises and been made queen. Would that have been enough for her to stay?
As they waved the newlyweds away, Lydia considered the other Pevensies. Peter had become more subdued since the wedding and if he was still worried about the lack of a response from Calormen, he chose not to show it. He would probably be the least understanding out of the siblings.
Lucy, who was almost hanging out of a window in order to wave goodbye to Susan and Glendan was equally unsuitable. Lydia could almost picture her look of loss and pity that Lydia did not feel at home at Narnia.
No, telling Lucy would be too painful and above everything, Lydia didn't want to hurt the Pevensies.
That only left Edmund. Edmund, who, apart from Susan, had probably made the most effort in getting to know Lydia and making sure she felt at home. Edmund, who she felt understood more than his siblings about struggling to find a place in Narnia.
Edmund, who she still did not fully understand.
She found him in his solar sat writing at his desk. He stood up immediately when he saw her, "Lydia, I'm glad you're here, how are you feeling after yesterday?"
Lydia blushed, "Sorry about walking out on you, I needed some time to think." She left out the dream about Aslan for now.
Edmund nodded, "I understand, you have a lot to think about. But I wanted to speak to you about something if you're up to it."
His voice sounded urgent and though Lydia was slightly alarmed by the intensity of his gaze, she attempted a smile.
"Well go on, I'm all ears."
She saw the tension visibly leave his shoulders for a moment and he huffed out a laugh,
"What?" she smiled, "Have you never heard that expression before?"
Edmund shook his head "I shouldn't be laughing at a time like this", he pulled an envelope out of his pocket. Lydia took it wordlessly.
"Tell me what you think"
Lydia opened the envelope and pulled out two torn pieces of paper with badly singed edges. Even through the charred paper, Susan's cursive was unmistakable.
Lydia swore under her breath, "I'm assuming this is from Calorman?"
Edmund took the envelope and tossed it down on the desk, "This is definitely the letter Susan sent to Calormen after Glendan proposed," he said, "We received it this morning. No prizes for guessing how Peter reacted."
Lydia groaned, "Does he honestly think that losing his temper is going to help?"
Edmund sighed, "He doesn't know what else to do, none of us do."
"Well what did Susan say?"
Edmund hesitated, "We didn't actually tell her, didn't want to ruin her honeymoon. And we haven't told Lucy yet either." He ran a hand through his hair, "That's why I had to talk to you Lydia, Peter never listens."
Lydia surveyed his face for a moment; she could see the worry in his eyes and something else, a sort of desperation. Lydia walked over to the plush green sofa that was sat in the middle of the room.
"Lets just talk then, about anything." She motioned for him to come and sit next to her.
He clearly hesitated for a moment before going to join her. They sat in mutual silence before a few moments before Edmund leapt up, "I'll order some tea!"
He walked over to his desk and rang a little bell. Lydia's eyes widened as less than thirty seconds later, two hedgehogs ran in carrying a teapot and two cups which they placed in front of Lydia and then scuttled away.
She laughed, "How did they do that so quickly?" she asked Edmund who came to sit back down.
"I always ask for the same thing when I'm working in here" he said as he handed her a cup, "They must have seen you come in."
Lydia frowned, "I don't know how you've coped with all this. We're roughly the same age and yet I've done nothing with my life and you're here in a palace, planning wars and fancy balls."
Edmund shrugged, "We're incredibly fortunate that Aslan saw something in us when we first arrived. I couldn't imagine going back to England now. This situation with Calormen is just an example of why we were sent here."
Lydia sipped her tea and focused on the warmth of the teacup. She looked around for some milk but Edmund, who drunk his tea black, hadn't thought to order any.
"Edmund," she asked, after a moment.
"Out of the four of you, who found it the hardest to adjust to Narnia? It's been eight years now."
Edmund frowned and paused, clearly having to think hard about it.
"It was probably me that found it difficult to adjust although if I'm honest, I don't think any of us struggled like you have."
"Why am I different Edmund? I don't understand how you went from children to royalty."
Edmund set down his cup and turned to look at her.
"Peter and Susan took it in their stride. Peter always felt that he was a born leader and being a king gave him the chance to prove that. I think Susan was attracted to the idea of being mature and elegant and having people treat her like an adult and I expect the balls and dresses helped a great deal." He added grinning and Lydia allowed herself to laugh for probably the first time since she arrived at Cair Pavarel.
"What about Lucy?" she prompted him.
"Oh Lucy loves it and still does. Why would she ever want to go back to dreary old England when there's so much magic and wonder here?"
Edmund frowned again. "It was different for me though. I struggled with the concept of ruling after what I'd done, knowing that everybody knew I was a traitor. Being king demanded maturity and I just wasn't ready for that back then."
From his tone of voice, Lydia got the feeling that Edmund had never shared this with anyone else. She wasn't entirely sure what had happened with the White Witch but she could tell it still bothered him, even after all these years. She looked into his sad eyes: grey staring into brown.
"How do you feel now? Now that you've adjusted?"
"I feel like I belong. All four of us have found something to do that completes us as a person and it seems diplomacy and tactics are my strength. I would never want to be High King, all those meetings and orders. This way I can be plain old Edmund as well as King Edmund."
He looked up and met her gaze. "I understand you have reasons to go home Lydia. But you will find the reason you were brought here, I promise."
Lydia looked at him and felt her heart pang. She inched forward
But then she remembered her conversation with Aslan and she broke the eye contact and turned away
"How much of England do you actually remember Edmund?"
She could tell that she wasn't going to like the answer as soon as the words left her mouth. Edmund's face had visibly paled.
"Edmund, tell me!"
Finally he said "I remember more ever since you came and spoke about it but before that…" He swallowed. "Before that it was all a blur really. I can picture places and people but I can't really attach accurate memories to them. That's why Peter couldn't remember the war properly. It's like," he searched for the right words, "it's like trying to remember a dream once you've woken up; some bits are clear and some bits aren't."
His voice trailed off and they both sat, not looking at each other, staring into the bottom of their cups.
She could feel herself itching to reach out for him and gripped the handle of her cup until her fingers turned white.
Finally, Edmund broke the silence, "I never asked why you came up here, did you want to speak to me about something?"
Lydia smiled sadly, "I was going to ask your advice on something but I think I've got the answer I need."
Edmund's eyebrows raised in shock, "You wanted my advice?" he stuttered.
Lydia could feel her cheeks flaming, "Yes why is that a shock?"
A small hint of a smirk played on his lips, "You've just always seemed quite headstrong;
you know what you want and many people would envy you for that."
Lydia turned round at that last sentence in surprise. Edmund seemed to know her better than she did over these last couple of days and though it was sorely tempting to confess to her conversation with Aslan, the words caught in the back of her throat.
She couldn't afford to be given a reason to stay in Narnia and as she looked at Edmund's sheepish grin, she felt a sinking feeling in her heart.
She turned away from him to leave.
She was not going to allow Edmund Pevensie to ruin this for her.
