I own nothing. Nothing at all.
Day 286
Vancouver, British Columbia
I shouldn't have told her the truth.
Gravel crunched underfoot. A bird called. The wind blew, sharp and damp. Loki paced outside Sarah's farmhouse. Not one word had been spoken on the ride back.
I should have waited. We need to solve at least two more equations before the collapsing bridge is ready to use. Even he knew better than to bring that up to Jane now, though. She had marched straight into the house on their return.
She was angry.
Of course she was angry.
She was hurt.
Of course she was hurt.
He had wanted to comfort her, to heal the wound on her cheek, to lift her in his arms and carry her to safety. But Jane had wanted none of that—thank the Norns. For his plan to work, he couldn't do any of those things. He shouldn't have even offered.
Frigga was convinced that Jane had to know the fullest version of the truth to be able to break the bond. But that made no sense. What he needed was for Jane to hate him enough to be desperate to be free of him. I think I've nearly accomplished that goal.
And what about you? His mother's voice haunted him. What about how you feel?
It doesn't matter how I feel. What matters is what I know. Thanos cannot be allowed to lay a hand on Jane or the child. That is enough for me to most sincerely want to sever the bond.
But what then? What about after the bond was severed, when he wouldn't be able to find her easily? What would become of Jane? No one else knew where she was. What were the chances she would survive? How can I protect her?
oooOOOooo
The warm water sprayed over her cold, muddy skin. Jane lifted her face and felt the sting of the scratch.
Time to cut your losses, Foster.
She was not going to lose any more of her dignity to Loki.
Not that she had much left.
Shut it down, Foster.
Loki did not want her. And there were a million reasons why she shouldn't want him.
Shut it off.
She could make a cutting speech about how he meant nothing to her and kick him out of her house in some big dramatic fashion.
But he'd probably see right through her. And he obviously wasn't deterred by inconsequential things such as locks and her wishes.
And they had to finish working on the bridge.
Put it away.
Jane took a deep breath, then another. She needed to stuff her feelings, play it cool, and get to work.
oooOOOooo
It began to rain, cold wet fingers streaking down his face. Loki sighed and headed into the house. On the floor right inside the door lay Jane's overcoat. He frowned and looked around the room. The shower was running. She must have rushed to the bathroom upon their return.
Some odd domestic impulse made him pick the coat up. Under the coat, the contents of her discarded handbag spilled across the worn carpet. A set of keys lay next to a small cylinder labeled "Rolaids." Jane's telephone was half out of the bag, the glass front reflecting the weak daylight. Loki looked at the closed bathroom door.
He hung Jane's coat on its hook and picked up the communication device. The screen lit up and demanded a passcode. He'd observed Jane using her phone a few times; the code was easy to remember. Many small, colorful squares with labels appeared. He tapped a few of them before he found a short list of names, each with a set of numbers next to it: Aunt Betty, Carol, Cousin Fred, Grandma Isabel, Uncle Frank... Who were these people?
The water sounds abruptly stopped. Loki glanced at the bathroom again, then returned his attention to the rectangle in his hand. Another square revealed a series of short messages, evidently sent to and from Jane by some of the names on the previous list. He tapped on a few of them.
Cousin Fred: Uncle Frank told me you were all settled in to your new place. The family sends their love.
Me: Thanks! Yes, it's perfect here.
Aunt Betty: Did Tim give you Uncle Frank's new number?
Me: Yes. I'll call him soon.
Me: Can you send a message to my grandma?
Uncle Frank: I don't think that's a good idea. Might just confuse her. You know how she is.
Cousin Fred: Text Aunt Betty if you need anything, honey. We're moving tomorrow and won't be able to answer the phone.
Me: Got it. Thanks for everything.
The handle of the bathroom door squeaked. Loki swiftly returned Jane's phone to her bag and pretended to just now be hanging up her coat. He turned around. Jane stood in the hallway, watching him. Her cheeks were flushed and dewy, her eyes enormous. The scratch on her face shone like an angry beacon. And she wore a bathrobe (green, of course), but her new proportions made it less than secure around her.
Norns have mercy.
oooOOOooo
Jane lifted her chin. Shut it down, shut it off, put it away. "I apologize for my reaction back there at the park. You caught me off guard and, well, pregnancy. But I've had time to think about it and ditching this stupid bond is a great idea. I only wish I'd known sooner that it was even possible. Let's do this thing."
Loki blinked. He opened his mouth then shut it again. Had she surprised him? She hoped so.
"What? I'm not going to beg you to stay, Loki. You've been nothing but a pain in my ass for months."
He cleared his throat. "Of course. Ah, first, about 'ditching the bond.' As I mentioned, nothing is for certain. I must create an incantation that enlarges the weaknesses in our bond until it collapses."
"Cool." She waved her hands at him. "Incant away. Pretty sure we have plenty of weaknesses to exploit."
"Also, it's never been done before."
Just when I thought Loki couldn't be any more maddening…
oooOOOooo
Jane's eyes narrowed. "Is this a joke, Loki? Did you come here to siphon off whatever dregs of sanity I have left?"
He understood her frustration. "I am truly sorry. I think I've created an incantation, but I can't be sure until I try it."
Jane pulled in a deep breath. "I'm afraid to ask about this, but you said, 'first.' What's second?"
Best to get it over with. Get the anger out of the way now. "Before we try to break the bond, we need to finish the calculations on the collapsing bridge."
"Why do we have to do that first?"
"I do not know what effect canceling the bond might have. I can't risk hindering our project."
Her nostrils flared. She jammed her fists on her hips.
The robe gaped a bit more. Pregnancy had clearly endowed her with more generous cleavage. The gods hate me. If there was ever any doubt about that, here's the proof.
"Why, Loki?"
"I beg your pardon?" Had he missed something? He was distracted with the delightful display Jane was unwittingly providing.
"We have already been working on the bridge. You already had my help. Why the need to complicate my life further by 'coming clean'? If you want to be free of me, fine. Just disappear! Stop showing up! I already thought you were dead! Why did you need to tell me all that crap? Do you get some kind of joy out of torturing me?"
Loki and Jane locked eyes over the shabby armchairs. Loki slowly walked across the room. Neither of them broke the eye contact. Jane didn't retreat an inch. He stopped an arm's length away, but it was still too close. The scent of vanilla wound its seductive tendrils around him.
"I will not lie to you, Jane Foster. Not anymore." Loki reached out slowly and pulled the lapels of her emerald dressing gown together. Then he clasped his hands to avoid further temptation and took a step back.
Jane crossed her arms, still holding his gaze.
He continued, "I don't want to trick you into helping me. I want you to know before we finish this task that I intend to sever the rune bond. I truly believe that is best for both of us." He paused, then: "I admit that I have deceived you before."
She narrowed her eyes.
He smiled. "Oh, but Jane, I've also told you more truth than I like to remember. I can't help myself with you. I didn't intend to confess that my memory had been restored. I tried to keep it from you. But it's not right."
Jane laughed, a sharp bitter bark. "Since when do you care about what's right?"
"Since there was you. You're my—." He shook his head and closed his eyes briefly. After a moment, he looked at her and quietly said, "I respect you, Jane. That's why I needed to tell you all that…crap."
Jane studied his face for a long moment, then turned and walked to her bedroom. She shut the door.
Loki raised his eyebrows. "Always unpredictable, that woman." He walked to the kitchen and filled the kettle again, then turned to the cupboards.
oooOOOooo
So much for keeping it cool, Jane.
Jane pulled on her last clean pair of leggings. The mud probably wouldn't come out of the ones she'd worn this morning. She sighed. Not many clothes still fit. A stretchy tunic, long cardigan, and wool socks completed the comfortable ensemble.
What had Loki been about to say? "You're my…" My what? My nemesis? My destiny? My…WHAT?
She sighed. She'd never know. Instead, she got: "I respect you, Jane." Loki respected her. She believed him. God help her, but she believed him. He respected her.
Respect is good, isn't it? Yes. Respect is very good. Coming from Loki, respect is probably the highest compliment he could pay me.
The problem was, she wanted more than just respect from Loki. A lot more. But she had to set that aside. She wasn't going to get any more from him. She sat on her bed, head in her hands.
Be a scientist, Foster. Stop playing the role of a jilted high schooler. We have to finish those calculations. Don't mention Alie; don't get jealous and angry. Our personal lives don't matter. The fate of the world is what matters. Be the scientist that you are.
She had sketched a device that would focus the Tesseract's energy to create an Einstein-Rosen bridge, based on the experiments she and Erik had done. They needed to make the machine fail to trap Thanos. It had to be strong enough to hold Loki, but no more. Focus on that.
Raindrops dashed themselves against the windows and pulled the gray sky down with them. Jane picked up a full laundry basket. I'm working with an alien-god-sorcerer to take down an even more powerful lunatic being. Still gotta do the laundry. She opened her bedroom door and a lovely aroma beckoned from the kitchen. Make that an alien-god-sorcerer with mad cooking skills. My life is beyond bizarre.
I can do this. Be a scientist, Jane. Just a scientist.
oooOOOooo
Mojave Desert: Joint Dark Energy Mission Facility
Loki was near. Or he had been. But only for a short time. Why?
Thor stalked through the halls of the facility like a caged animal. Impotence was not a familiar feeling. It was unwelcome. Several personnel, accustomed to his jovial greetings, smiled at his approach. The smiles faded when they saw his expression. He didn't see them at all.
Had this visit been a test? To see how the Midgardians would react? If so, Loki was triumphant and the humans had failed miserably. Even Erik Selvig had dismissed the anomaly as a fluke. Loki had to have known I was here. He knows I would sense his presence. Was he attempting to get my attention? It had worked. Why would Loki want to alert Thor—and thus Asgard—but not Midgard? Odin would learn of the mischief.
As would Frigga.
oooOOOooo
Vancouver, British Columbia
The meal had been intended as a sort of peace offering. Loki watched Jane devour the omelet he'd prepared. Evidently the offering has been accepted.
"That was good." Jane took a sip of tea and leaned back in her chair. "I've never gotten the hang of flipping and folding omelets. Where did you learn to cook?"
Loki smiled. "Thank you. Most of my cooking experience comes from endless evenings waiting for battles to begin. We always had cooks with us, of course, but they were focused on feeding hordes of soldiers as efficiently as possible. Their aim was quantity, not quality. I would sneak into their tent and create something more to my palate for myself. And for Thor, if he'd been good that day."
The gentle rain continued outside the kitchen windows, creating a homey atmosphere inside the warm house. It was a welcome change from the tenseness earlier.
"So your mother didn't teach you to cook?"
He also leaned back and drank his tea. "No. I learned many important skills from her, but cooking was not one of them."
oooOOOooo
Jane took that as a green light. "Tell me something you learned from her."
"Hmmm. Well, Mother was the first one to recognize that I had the gift of seidr. She showed me how to begin harnessing that gift."
"Wow. So, like, what did she do?"
"Oh, she taught me to watch, listen, and even taste to sense what magic was in the air around me already, to use that to craft simple spells."
Jane shook her head. "That blows my mind. What else?"
"Frigga was the one who taught me to read runes."
"That's cool. Did you have a primer, like I did to learn my letters?"
Loki chuckled. "No. Reading runes is much more complicated than learning to read or write. You must know the rune symbol, of course, but you must also know something about the person that owns the rune or the person for whom it is intended. It's very personal and powerful."
BZZZZ. "Oops, that's the washer. Excuse me."
Jane transferred the wet laundry to the dryer. She returned to the kitchen and found Loki with his head in his hands. She took a deep breath. Be a scientist. "I'd like to see your rune mark."
He swiveled his head sharply to look at her. "What?"
"I said, I'd like to see your rune mark."
"Ah. Well, it's actually your rune mark, isn't it?"
Jane's stomach jumped. It was. It was her rune mark, branded into his skin. Her pulse accelerated. Stop it. As a scientist I would naturally be curious about the mark. "I guess it is. I didn't know I had one." Her courage faltered and she asked, "Do you mind?"
He hesitated, then answered, "I demanded to see my mark more than once. It wouldn't be fair to deny you, would it?"
Maybe this wasn't a good idea. They'd been getting along well during lunch. But backing out now would be awkward, too. As always, curiosity won out. She sat next to him. He pushed up the sleeve of his tunic—he seemed to prefer wearing his Asgardian clothes in the house—and laid his arm on the table in front of her.
There it was. His—her—rune mark. She glanced up at him, but he stared over her head out the window, his face expressionless. He's really uncomfortable. As she studied it, the lines resolved themselves into the symbols for Virgo, Aquarius, and Aries. She reached to trace the distinct symbols. Loki drew his arm away. He was paying attention, no matter how aloof he seemed.
"Sorry," she muttered, not meeting his eyes. "I'll just look."
oooOOOooo
You imbecile. Why had he brought up runes? This is Dr. Jane Foster, who is relentlessly, savagely, curious about everything. Of all the answers he could have given. Now Jane was studying his arm. He didn't want to spoil their truce, but if she touched that mark… His self-control had already been sorely taxed.
"It's fine," he answered, hoping his tone was easy enough. He felt strangled by her nearness. Her scent filled his nostrils. "Uh, what do these marks mean to you? I recognize they are symbols for constellations."
"This one," she said, carefully pointing without touching, "is my birth sign. This one is an air sign and this one is an Earth sign. I guess they symbolize that I'm from Earth and I study the stars in the sky, the air. That's fitting, I suppose." She sat back. "Maybe the rune for coffee was already taken?"
He laughed and pulled his tunic sleeve back down. How kind of Jane to keep the mood light.
"So," she said, looking around the kitchen. "Let's clean up and then get to work, shall we?"
oooOOOooo
"What's the coefficient for weight tolerance?"
"No, that won't work. Damn it."
"Hand me that ruler, will you?"
"I think I've got it! Does that number match this one?"
The rain continued all afternoon, sometimes beating on the windows. They turned on overhead lights and lamps as the gray daylight waned and the work marched on. Jane and Loki worked together easily, their personal conflict set aside for a greater good. They took care not to touch, but they moved around each other fluidly, dancing in collaboration. Loki handed Jane a pencil before she asked. Jane pointed to the figure Loki would need five seconds later.
This is lovely.
I wish it could always be like this.
So brilliant.
Such a genius.
If only…
If only…
oooOOOooo
"Ugh, my stomach's growling. I have to eat. This kid is always hungry."
Loki looked up from scribbling notes and instantly regretted doing so. Jane stretched like a cat and rubbed the small of her back. The fabric of her top pulled tight against her fuller breasts and the swell that his baby created. His child. Growing inside Jane. He looked away. He'd done so well the whole afternoon. You're almost done, Odinson. Control yourself. Think of something polite to say.
"You, ah, haven't complained about her kicking today."
Jane straightened. "Huh. You're right. She has behaved very nicely all day." She patted her belly. "Thanks, Alie."
"Is she—is she all right?"
"Yes, I think so. She's moved around plenty, she just hasn't been violent since—" Jane clamped her mouth shut and quickly opened the refrigerator door.
Since I confessed that I knew we were bonded.
Jane continued talking, her voice muffled from inside the refrigerator. "Leftovers sound good to me. How about you? We've got some of yesterday's stew left. And, hmmm, a bit of that pizza. Or I've got stuff for grilled cheese sammies. What'll you have, Loki?"
You. I'll have you, Jane Foster. "I'll take whatever is fastest. We've got just a bit more to do."
"Yep. It feels good to work my mind. We've worked really well today. So much easier when we're actually together, isn't it?" Jane's voice was a bit too cheerful.
She pulled containers out and set them on the counter. "Stew it is. There's plenty here for both of us." She dumped the contents of a container into a pot and set it on the cooktop. "Would you please get the plates and bowls?"
Loki nodded. He crossed to the cupboards and reached to get the crockery. Jane brushed against him as she passed by to get the silverware. He shot her a glance, but her back was to him. She turned and nearly collided with him, reaching for him to steady herself. "Oops. I'm clumsier each day."
She won't look at me.
A few minutes later, steaming bowls of stew and sliced bread waited for them, papers and computer stacked on a spare chair.
Jane took her first bite and closed her eyes. "Oh, Loki, this is even better left over." She moaned with pleasure.
Loki's throat went dry. I can't take being around her much longer. He didn't taste any of the meal.
oooOOOooo
Be a scientist. Jane stared at her reflection in the bathroom mirror. Tears rimmed her lower lashes, threatening to spill over. You've done so well all afternoon.
"Oh, Alie, you must be so happy that your daddy finally realizes he's your daddy," she whispered.
What would happen when the bond was broken?
Be a scientist.
oooOOOooo
The gray afternoon had dissolved into an inky evening, the rain still falling steadily.
"If we use this equation to set the trigger…"
We're nearly finished.
"Yes, that makes sense. Then this sequence will commence…"
We're almost done.
"We need a fail-safe."
Our time is running out.
"We have one, remember? If this tolerance is reached…"
I can't bear this.
"I think we have it. Do we have it?"
How will I get through this?
"I think we did it."
My heart is breaking.
oooOOOooo
They both stepped back and stared at the mass of papers on the kitchen table, then looked at the computer screen.
"I think we really did it," Jane said.
"I agree," Loki answered.
"Loki! This is amazing!" Jane turned to him, eyes wide, a beautiful smile lighting up her face. She opened her arms and leaned toward him—then stopped abruptly and turned away. She shuffled and rearranged stacks of papers.
He felt bereft.
"Ah, just one more thing," Jane said. "I can't believe I forgot to do this earlier, but we need your weight and height."
Loki frowned. "Is that really necessary? I think we've built in—"
"The bridge has to hold you. It has to. And as long as you're here, it would be foolish not to get your proper measurements."
"What if we have to redo some of the equations?"
Jane looked up at him. "Then we redo them. This has to be right."
"Fine. I can do it. Just tell me what to do."
Jane scowled. "What's the problem, Odinson? What are you afraid of? Don't want me to know how much you weigh?"
She stared at him, challenge written on her face. This was Dr. Jane Foster, tireless—and merciless—hunter of truth. She was right. What was there to be afraid of?
There is much to fear.
"All right," he said. "Let's do this quickly."
"Come on, the scales are in the bathroom."
The process was fairly painless. He just stepped on a small square tile and Jane looked at a number.
"Three hundred forty pounds! Wowee! You weigh a lot more than I thought you would."
He felt oddly defensive. "What? Is that a lot?"
She raised her eyebrows. "Well, it's a lot for a human. You must really have dense bones, 'cause I don't see an ounce of fat on you. Wow."
"What do you weigh, Jane?"
She laughed. His heart fluttered—an odd feeling. "Loki! Shame on you! You can't ask a lady that."
"You know how much I weigh. That's unfair."
"Yes, it is. Deal with it."
"Just step on the scale." He couldn't resist teasing her, just to see that smile a bit longer.
"No way, José. Forget it. Come on, let's measure your height."
He followed her out of the bathroom. She looked around the living room and motioned to a blank section of the wall. "That'll be a good place. Would you grab a chair? I'll bring a level and tape measure. I'm pretty sure there's one in the toolbox in the laundry room."
Loki appropriated a chair from the kitchen table. Jane brought a pencil, a rectangle, and chunky square of some sort. She pointed to the wall.
"Okay, Loki, stand up nice and straight with your back to the wall. Just like that. Yep."
"What are you going to do?"
"You'll see," she answered, pulled the chair in front of him, and climbed on it, her tools in one hand.
This isn't wise.
The chair wobbled. "Whoa!" she exclaimed.
Loki immediately reached for her, his hands ending up cradling her hips. "Are you okay?" he asked.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," she answered. "Thanks."
"Are you sure?" he asked.
"Yes, thank you." Jane said. A few seconds passed, then: "You can let go of me now."
I'd rather not. He let his arms drop, the warmth of her body a memory on his palms.
"Would you hold this, please?" She handed him the heavy square tool. "Thanks."
"I don't think this is safe."
"Hold still, worrywart."
Standing on the chair made Jane a few inches taller than he. Which brought her breasts quite close to his face.
This is dangerous.
Her belly pressed firmly to his chest. She balanced one tool on his head and used the pencil to mark the wall. The aroma of vanilla and warm woman enveloped him. His nostrils flared.
"Are you standing as tall as you can?" Jane asked.
He could not answer. Mine.
The blood was pounding so loudly in his ears that he could barely hear. He'd fought so hard to maintain control. But there was a limit.
This is my mate. I need her. Now.
"Loki?" she asked again. She pulled back to look at him. "Oh!" she cried. "Your eyes! They're doing that thing where—" Her brain must have caught up with her mouth just then, because her eyes went wide. "Loki?"
oooOOOooo
The evening had been lovely. They had worked together in flawless harmony. Jane ignored the heartache she felt and focused on the joy of discovering answers and solutions as a team with Loki. It had been nice to relax and even tease him a little about his reluctance to be weighed. What was the harm?
And she really did need to measure his height. Perhaps, strictly speaking, she didn't need to touch him so much. But she knew it would soon be the last time and she wanted to store up some memories. What could it hurt?
She balanced the level and carefully marked the wall. Loki's head dipped slightly.
"Are you standing as tall as you can?" she asked.
No answer.
"Hey, stop slouching. C'mon."
Silence.
"Loki?" she asked again, puzzled. She pulled back to look at him. She stared straight into a nebula. "Oh!" she cried. She'd forgotten how beautiful that looked. "Your eyes! They're doing that thing where—" Jane! Shut up! Remember what that nebula means.
Loki's expression shifted, slid from politely blank to predatory.
"Loki?"
A thrill of panic speared her gut and she grabbed the back of the chair to steady herself, hoping to get down, to get away. The level fell to the floor. The situation had just careened sideways and it seemed prudent to put some distance between them. Before she could do anything else, Loki snaked his arm around her and lifted her off the chair. He slid his other arm under her legs.
"Put me down, Loki!" Jane whispered hoarsely.
He smiled down at her, baring his teeth, and whispered back, "I don't believe I will."
Her heart stopped.
Loki strode down the hall toward her bedroom.
"Loki!"
Without her permission, all the blood in her head rushed between her legs. What is happening? Then: why am I fighting?
Loki pushed the door open and laid her on the bed, then followed, leaning over her. They had reclined in this identical position dozens of times, but it felt like uncharted waters.
"Loki, wait…" Jane whispered.
"I have, Jane. I've waited for such a long time," he whispered back in that gravelly voice that made her toes curl.
"But you said—" she tried again.
"What I said was that you would be mine and mine alone." They stared at each other in the watery moonlight filtering in the windows. Loki's pupils were blown wide. "Do you remember?"
Jane could only manage a nod.
"Mine," he repeated, then lowered his head.
Jane braced herself. But there was no violence in his kiss. Loki brushed her lips slowly with his, then ran his tongue over her bottom lip.
She went boneless.
"You are mine, Jane," he said, and brushed her lips again before settling his mouth over hers.
This was not their first kiss.
He gently delved his tongue into her open lips and tasted her mouth.
But this was the first kiss when they both knew the full truth.
Jane responded in kind and savored the well-remembered taste of evergreen forests.
He is Loki Odinson, god of Mischief and wreaker of havoc (in the universe in general and in my life in particular).
Loki growled, deep in his throat, and bracketed her face with his long fingers.
And she is Jane Foster, insatiable student and charter of the stars.
Loki was trembling, restraining himself.
And they are a bonded pair.
And she wants this, wants this to be right, but Loki's voice whispers through her thoughts: There may be a way to undo the bond.
And her response: You want to break the bond?
Her heart twinged. Why, oh why, couldn't her brain take a break? Why did she have to keep thinking at a time like this?
Loki suckled on her bottom lip. One of his hands found its way under her tunic and slowly moved up her side.
The trickle of uncertainty grew. Loki had told her he wanted to split up. Now he clearly wanted to do the opposite of splitting. Where would that leave her in the morning?
That hand found the top of her leggings and began to draw circles on her bare skin.
She didn't want to be a pawn in Loki's schemes. Again.
Her arms were leaden with the weight of pleasure, but she managed to bring a hand up and push on his chest.
"Wait," she said—or tried to.
He ignored her.
She turned her head to the side to end the kiss. "Loki," she whispered. He was already licking her neck.
"Loki," she said with a little more strength. "Wait. I have a question."
"Now?"
"Uh-huh. You said you wanted to break our bond."
"Shhh…it doesn't matter." He resumed the delightful trip up her neck.
"It does," she insisted, pushing on his chest again. "Loki, we need to talk about this. You can't do this."
"Yes, I can," he answered, and flexed his hips to prove his point.
She had already been well aware that he was ready to follow through on his advances and was annoyed at the rushing answer from her own body.
"Stop," she pleaded.
"Jane, love," he murmured, tugging on her earlobe with his teeth. "Just let it happen."
Damn him. He never cared about how the aftermath of his decisions would affect her.
"I mean it. Stop right now."
He growled again, in a less romantic pitch. "I want what's mine."
"Is this how you want some jerk treating your daughter one day?"
Loki froze. "That was unfair."
"No. It was exactly fair. Get off me."
He slowly rolled to his side and lay with one knee bent, an arm across his eyes.
Jane lay in the darkening room, her pulse beating everywhere and her throat tightening. "I won't just let you use me, Loki." Her voice broke and tears gathered in her eyes. She had to ask before she lost the nerve. "Why do you want to undo our bond?"
So much for being a scientist.
oooOOOooo
He couldn't remember a time when he'd been more frustrated. Every single cell in his body longed to be buried deep inside Jane. In a different place and time, he might have ignored her and taken what he desired, what was rightfully his. But here and now he wanted Jane as a partner, a willing participant, not simply a conquest. So he lay on the bed, waiting for his breathing to smooth out.
And Jane's question came. "Why?" she asked, in a broken voice, tinged with defeat. His heart broke a little. She doesn't deserve this.
Loki waited, hoping to think of a good answer. Instead, he told her the truth. "Absolution."
"What?"
"You spoke of my daughter. The only way I know to keep you and her safe is to break this bond. It's my fault you're in danger, so I need to repair the harm—or attempt to do so."
Jane sat up. "That's it? You want to tear us apart to keep me safe?"
She sounded dismissive. He felt irritated. "Isn't that enough? Besides, you said earlier you wanted to break the bond, too!"
"I didn't mean it, okay? We somehow made an eternal bond. Doesn't that mean anything to you?"
Now he was very irritated. He was being noble. She should acknowledge that.
He unfolded himself from the bed. "I am aware of what we did, Jane. I was the one who came up with the idea. I was the one who did a lot of complicated maneuvering to make sure it happened. It's you who does not comprehend the threat you are facing."
"You didn't answer my question. I didn't ask if you knew how it happened. I asked if it meant anything to you. You can't just throw our bond away."
Why couldn't she understand the danger she was in? "I can't stay and protect you myself. I must return to Thanos or the consequences will be swift and merciless. Thanos already knows about you. He is suspicious of the nature of our relationship. He will use whatever means he can to control me. He's already ordered me to kill you more than once." He stabbed his fingers through his hair. "Jane, you saw what they did to me. You were there! The Torturer was going to—have his way with you. If we don't sever this bond, Thanos will find you."
Jane swung her legs to the side of the bed and stood to face him, lips plump from his kisses, cheeks flushed from arousal, hair in disarray where his hands had mussed it.
"And what would you care?" she cried. "What would you care if Thanos found me?"
He shook his head, stunned. "What?"
"That would solve this whole problem nicely for you, wouldn't it?"
Sudden anger slammed into him. "Solve what problem?"
Jane pointed at herself. "The problem of me!" She pointed at him. "You started this! This is all your fault!"
"I know!" He yelled back, throwing his arms out. "I admitted that! I begged for your forgiveness. Have you already forgotten, woman? Are you daft?"
He'd gone too far. He saw the fury boil up.
She drew a quick breath through her nostrils like a bull preparing to charge. "How dare you! You tricked me! You got me pregnant and then disappeared. You've treated me from the start like some terrible disease you can't wait to find a cure for. You called needing me a humiliation and nothing you would ever desire. You've not missed a chance—even last night—to insinuate that I am Thor's whore!"
Jane advanced on him, hands balled into fists, tears streaming down her cheeks. "You didn't even want to admit that you remembered bonding yourself to me! Yesterday! And when you finally did, you tell me in the very next breath that you just can't wait to somehow break this bond which is supposed to be unbreakable. So just admit it, Loki. Stop trying to pretend that you're so noble and that you're doing this to protect me. Please. Spare me the bullshit. You've been looking for ways to be rid of me all along." Her voice broke on a sob.
His heart tore a bit more. The anger drained away. Jane was right. He had done all those things to her. He had made a terrible mess of everything. There's nothing I can do.
Frigga's voice echoed: You must be honest with Jane. Completely honest.
No. I can't do that. We must cancel the bond if there is any chance of preserving her life. I can't lose her.
Jane slid to the floor, hands protectively over her head, sobbing.
You're losing her anyway.
Loki stood paralyzed, mind racing.
She hates me. This is the time to undo the bond. Tell her the words to say. Tell her… He shook his head. No. I should just leave. Loki backed away from Jane slowly.
Just leave her to pick up the pieces. He reached the doorway of the bedroom.
It's better this way. The portal seemed stable. It should still be open.
He looked at the weeping woman, watched grief wrack her slender frame. Every sob felt like a knife to his gut. I did that to her.
She'll heal in time.
Won't she?
I've certainly given her plenty to heal from. She will forever know that I used her and discarded her like rubbish.
She will know she wasn't good enough for me to stay.
It hurt watching her hurt. His heart broke the rest of the way. I can't leave her like this. I can't do it.
He crossed the room and knelt beside her. "Oh, Jane, you've gotten the worst of me all along."
What are you doing? What if you can't break the bond? You're putting her in danger.
I have to do this.
"Jane, darling, come here." He lifted her in his arms and carried her to the living room, hoping to assuage any fears that he was merely trying to bed her again. He settled carefully on the couch, cradling her. His heart bled and bled.
oooOOOooo
The agony in her heart liquified and poured out of her eyes. All these months, she'd suppressed the hurt…the rejection…the injustice…and focused on surviving. She couldn't do it anymore. Loki would leave. She knew it. He never stayed for long when things got intense.
Jane cried all the tears she hadn't let herself cry, rocking back and forth on the floor of her bedroom. She couldn't think for once. She just felt.
An eternity passed before she felt arms around her, lifting her. Loki held her close. Why was he still here? Was this another trick? He was murmuring words against her temple. Was this the incantation? Was he undoing the bond right now? She caught a few words…
"I'm so sorry…You're right…I did those things…"
Surprise bloomed in her chest and mixed with the ache. The sobs gradually subsided. Jane was very still, listening to the mindless stream of soothing words. He punctuated the murmuring with gentle kisses to her temple.
"…I don't know how to make it right…"
Did Loki realize what he was saying?
"Forgive me, Jane...What have I done?…I'm a fool…"
Jane felt weak, drained by her outburst. She knew, though, that staying in Loki's arms too long was only going to make the inevitable even harder. So she stretched a bit and sighed, but he held her fast.
"Loki…I need to use the toilet," she lied.
He loosened his grip and guided her as she stood. Jane walked unsteadily to the bathroom across the dark room. Who turned the lights off? She shut the door and stared at herself in the mirror. Puffy red eyes and blotchy skin stared back.
Ugh.
I guess I've laid myself bare.
She blinked and looked more closely. The scratch on her cheek was gone.
When did he do that? I didn't even notice.
She felt shaky and uncertain. For some reason the healed scratch made it worse.
What am I supposed to do now? I've made my position clear, haven't I? I won't let Loki mess around with me. And he's made his position clear: we must break the bond. So I guess we should just get on with it.
She splashed water on her face and ran a comb through her hair, then hesitated before opening the door.
Tea. There's always tea. I can make tea.
Jane padded into the kitchen, choosing to turn on only the small light over the range. The dimness suited her mood. She set the teapot on to boil.
The rain had subsided to a fine drizzle; pale moonlight hovered over the dark treetops. Jane stared into the inky night, wondering where Asgard was.
She just wished it didn't hurt so bad.
She felt rather than heard Loki's slow approach, sensed his presence before she saw his reflection in the window. Déjà vu swept over her. They'd been in a very similar situation just days ago. Except that had been a dream.
Loki stopped well behind her. "I've been pondering that mark on your wrist," he said in his low velvet voice. "The import of it."
So he remembered, too.
"Nope. Pick a different subject." She still meant it.
Their reflected gazes met in the window. "Come now, Jane."
"Loki…if you're going to ponder the mark, let it be to do whatever you need to do to make it disappear. Your mind is made up, our fate is sealed, the die is cast…whatever other cliché you want to use. Just get it over with."
"Don't be too hasty. A good scientist gathers as much information as possible, does she not?"
Her heart was too raw to play these games with him.
"What if you haven't had all the information, Jane?"
She watched his reflection step closer.
"A rune bond requires two fully participating parties, each in love with the other. And you never really tried to convince me that you were in love with me."
"Loki, don't," she warned him.
"But I never tried to convince you, either."
She went absolutely still.
Loki laid his hands on her shoulders. Adrenaline flooded her bloodstream. He turned her to face him and slid his hands up to cradle her face. He searched her face, then brushed his thumb across her bottom lip.
"What are you doing?" she croaked.
"I'm going to convince you," he answered, then leaned in and kissed her lightly.
She wished she had the willpower to push him away.
"I endured months of agony in the Torturer's cell. He broke my body and nearly broke my spirit."
She blinked at him. He continued in that hypnotic voice.
"I accepted the abuse. I expected to die in that hell. I never raised a hand to him. But the moment he laid his hands on you—" Loki's voice broke. Jane heard him swallow hard. He resumed speaking in a shaky voice.
"When the Torturer touched you, I killed him with my bare hands. I tore his limbs off sinew by sinew. I exulted in his screams. My fingers ripped his heart from his body and I enjoyed it."
She winced and tried to turn away. He held her captive.
"His blood ran down my face and into my mouth. Under my fingernails were shreds of his flesh. All that was left were piles of organs and intestines and a floor soaked with blood." He spoke slowly but relentlessly. "You gave me the courage to destroy Thanos' spell and kill my tormentor. I did it for you, Jane."
The teapot whistled. Jane jumped, startled. "I need to—" she said and twisted out of his grasp. She took the teapot off the heat. There was no mug waiting; she'd been too distracted. She reached for the cabinet, but let her hand fall.
"Jane…I wasn't motivated to fight back until the Torturer touched you."
She turned to face him. He moved toward her, ever so slowly.
"So?" she challenged, determined to protect herself. "You just needed a bit of encouragement."
"Your rune is seared into my flesh."
"You desperately wanted revenge. Maybe that was enough for the magic."
Loki stood toe to toe with her, their gazes locked. Jane's heart pounded in her ears.
"I love you, Jane."
Don't tell me that. She shook her head. "No."
He stroked her cheek.
"I've loved you almost from the first moment I laid eyes on you."
"Please don't do this," she begged, a whisper all she could manage.
"You intrigued me and challenged me from the very beginning."
This felt crueler than anything else he'd done.
"I really don't know why you're telling me all this. You've decided to break our bond and leave. I already told you to get it over with."
"I'm telling you all this, Jane, because you still don't understand."
"Understand what?" A rogue tear slipped down her cheek. He kissed it away.
"I thought I hated you, Jane, but it was really jealousy that Thor had someone he loved more than the old rituals and duties. Then I met you myself and I was jealous again, jealous that Thor had you: brilliant, beautiful you."
He touched a kiss to her lips.
"I made myself forget you to protect you."
"You said it was so no one would find out about us."
"Yes."
"You were embarrassed by me."
"No." Another kiss. "No, Jane. Thanos has ways of scouring my mind. I would not risk him finding out about you, about us."
Oh.
"You must be an enchantress, Jane. Because even though I had cast a spell to forget you, I fell in love with you again." Another kiss.
"I fought it hard. I did my best to scare you off, to fight the attraction I felt. But it was inevitable." Another kiss. "I love you, Jane Foster."
She put her hand on his chest. "Then why, Loki? Why do you want to leave me? To break our bond?"
As she gazed at him, tears gathered in his eyes. "I don't want to sever our bond. The thought brings me such pain. But I have aligned myself with a madman. The rune magic of the bond clearly reveals that you are the most cherished person in my life. Thanos is waiting to kill anything I hold dear. I cannot, will not expose you and Alie to the horrors of Thanos' Sanctuary."
This time Loki's raw, desperate tone and naked emotion struck a chord in her. Jane felt the terror that he must feel at the thought of Thanos easily finding her, of him finding Alie.
"This is the last piece of the truth about us. I swear it." His green gaze was intense, almost unbearably so. Every bit of his power and person were focused on her. She closed her eyes.
"Jane. Look at me." He waited until she had complied. "My mother told me that I would have to tell you the whole truth, but I thought I knew better. I thought it would make me weak and unable to see this task through. But you are worth more than life to me. I love you. And it is because I love you that I need to break this tether that would doom you. Forgive me."
Jane was stunned. She opened her mouth but no sound came out. Loki loved her.
He kissed her, more intensely this time.
"I need you to say the words, Jane. Will you do that for me?"
"What…? Now? No, wait."
"I'll cut our hands—it needs blood—but you won't feel anything, I promise."
"No, Loki, wait."
"Jane, what is it?"
She pushed him away a bit so she could see his face. "You really love me, Loki? You loved me when you were driving me crazy?"
He nodded. "It took me a long time to realize it, but surely you knew. I was sorely tempted to declare my feelings for you many times."
Really?
"I tried to trick you into kissing me." He kissed her again. "I told myself all the reasons it didn't make sense. It didn't matter. I loved you."
Jane frowned. "Why didn't you say anything? We could have had more time…"
He rested his forehead against hers. "I was convinced you belonged to Thor. I hated that, but nothing else made sense to me. Finally I had to taste you, that night. I wanted to have you. Oh, I was lost, Jane. You knew that, didn't you? But you stopped me. How do you manage that? You did it again this evening."
She pulled back and looked straight into his eyes. "Try again. I won't stop you this time."
His eyes widened, but he shook his head. "No. We can't," he said, his voice suddenly hoarse. "I just wanted you to know. For once. The full truth."
Jane ran her hand up his neck and twined her fingers in his hair. "Please?" she whispered.
"Jane…don't. I'm trying to do the right thing."
"Give me the memory of that time when I knew you were Loki and you knew I was Jane."
His eyes nebulized. "It will make it more difficult."
Emboldened, she stroked the back of his neck and stared directly into those eyes. "You told me that you wished it were true. It is. You told me you wished that I was yours. I am. Mind, body, heart, and soul. I love you, Loki."
He trembled under her hands. Astonished, she continued her confession, whispering everything her heart hadn't been able to tell him. "I loved you before I knew you were real. No one else can match my thoughts and ideas, no one else can keep pace with me. No idea is off limits."
He closed his eyes. Jane ran her hands up and down his chest. "And you are still the most beautiful man I've ever seen. You're simply magnificent."
Loki tilted his head back and inhaled sharply, his nostrils flaring.
"Loki. No matter what happens with us, I am yours. I will never want anyone else but you. You are my dream come true."
She tugged his head down toward her. This time he acquiesced with a low groan. Mouths and hearts met and surrendered to each other.
