That's no moon…, it's a forward…

Just a reminder about Isekaigaya. If you look back at Episode 1 you'll find that Isekaigaya's thought process goes something like this probably:

8man's baggage + Isekaigaya's shit + Step three? = Profit!

So if you ever wondered why does he even care about that? Or isn't he a 28-year-old U.S. combat vet. or something? That's why!

Also, Isekaigaya is now closer to the age when he enlisted and was a JROTC Cadet as well. Now think about what that means for a second, especially when Hiki-Persona 8 fails…

The More You Know~!

Okay, play the Episode Kyon! No, I don't think the readers are stupid Jerry. Why would you say that? Look, one of them even wrote a wall of text. More importantly, just who the fuck are you anyway?!

"Some Hack said, looking extremely vexed."

Seriously, someone please take Morgan Freeman away! He keeps narrating, and what he's doing to our budget is insane!

What do you mean it's not working?! That's a VCR Kyon! Just hit it or something!


Episode 9

~As Expected Haruno Strikes Back~

Soft, warm, real… Several strands of long black silky smooth hair caresses my left cheek, as my sense of smell is overwhelmed by lavender, tobacco, and a subtle natural scent that was intoxicating. The warmth of her body courses through me, slowly melting the icy core that Fort Drum etched into my soul. I could hear the sound of her heartbeat. The softness of her breast presses into me as I'm locked in her embrace. It feels fucking amazing!

No, seriously Haruhi you really need to fondle these! They're fucking amazing!

My vision starts to blur and I feel a bit dizzy as my lungs begin to burn…

'Much like suffocating~ Much like suffocating~ Much like suffocating~'

'I'd send the pain below~ Much like suffocating~ I'd send the pain below~ Much like suffocating~'

'I can't feel my chest~ Need more~'

'Drop down~ Closing in~'

'I can't feel my chest~! Drop down~!'

A small smirk formed on my lips as I watched distraction-chan. She was running around us, playing Chevelle… Isn't she cute Kyon?

Kyon's yell snaps me back to the reality of my situation.

In the middle of Sobu's courtyard, Shizuka currently has me held in a chokehold and her skinship (violence) is squeezing the life out of me…, again.

One of these days Shizuka's skinship (violence) is going to kill me. I think we need a safe word Haruhi…

"IF you run away again, you know what will happen right?"

I began tapping her arm and wheezed out, "s-safe word."

"Safe WHAT?!" I felt her whole body shudder as she immediately lets me go.

I fell to my knees gasping for air.

Fuck, I miscalculated. While wearing that blazer Shizuka was able to move much faster, not to mention how much fuckin hotter it makes her look as well.

What have I created Kyon?

Achievement unlocked: Perfect Organism

"N-never say that AGAIN you idiot!"

The hell I will! It totally worked!

Shizuka grabbed the back of my uniform collar.

"We're going to the faculty office!"

"Tch."

And so under the stares of all the normies, I'm dragged off to face my court martial.

I really wanted to flip them off. But after the maneuvers, I just executed coupled with (and mostly because of) Shizuka's cuddling (violence), my body just didn't have the energy for it.

Passing by the shoe lockers with my feet still dragging on the floor, I was greeted by wide-eyed stares from the Specialist and the Private First Class.

""H-Hikki… Hachiman…""

"Yo."

The Corporal just glares at me with icy contempt.

"Moron."

Ah, PMC Kawasaki was still here as well.

"Sup, Kawasaki."

"Got triggered again dumbass?"

I gave her a small sardonic grin.

She rolls her eyes at me and then walks to her shoe locker.

"Yukinoshita, go to the clubroom and bring the rope that this idiot was using to the faculty office." The Command Sergeant Major said as she drags me past them.

Without a word the Corporal storms off while looking extremely vexed.

"Ah! I'll come with you Yukinon!"

The Private looked lost for a moment.

"Oh, um…"

"See ya later Saika."

"Ah, later Hachiman, g-good luck!"

Not long after the Command Sergeant Major yanks me up in front of the faculty office.

I straightened out my uniform. Do think I'll need a new jacket Kyon?

The Command Sergeant Major stood next to me with a worried look on her face.

"Look Hikigaya, the Vice Principal is livid. Because of this idiotic stunt you just pulled…, you may end up getting suspended. Damn it, I don't think I can do anything to help you with this…"

A repulsive sadistic smirk made its way onto my lips.

"I'll be fine Sergeant Major."

"S-Sergeant-…"

"It's not a problem."

I knocked twice on the door and slid it open. With a soldier's gait, I entered the faculty office. I nodded to First Sergeant Atsugi and gave a small wave to Captain Tsurumi. She smiled and returned it to me.

It was time to use one of my hundred-and-eight skills. The bane of every officer: Dumb Insolence. I was about to go full Sagara on the XO.

I stood before the pissed-off Major at attention. Just off to the side, the Command Sergeant Major stood next to me, still concerned.

"You wished to see me, sir?"

"Explain to me at once young man, just what hell did you think you were doing by rappelling off the special building like that?!"

"Sir, it was a fire emergency escape drill!"

"A WHAT?!"

"A fire emergency escape drill, sir!"

"Explain this to me so I can understand?!"

"Sir, as club Vice President and Safety Officer it is my duty to perform safety drills, sir!"

This was true according to one of the papers I filed with the Command Sergeant Major. She didn't even read it when she signed it, and the student council president's signature was on it as well.

As an NCO I became well-versed in the art of administrated violence.

"What nonsense is this?! We can't just have unqualified amateurs running amuck!"

"I'm not an amateur sir! In fact, I'm a Specialist!"

Achievement unlocked: Full Mental Specialist

"Piff-…!"

Ignoring the Command Sergeant Major who was trying not to lose it, I pulled out my billfold and took two licenses out.

Because of what has to be a government racket, as long as one fulfills the requirements and takes a test, one can get a license/certification for just about anything in Japan. It's become a small goal of mine to get one hundred and eight of them.

I show my licenses for Rappelling Instructor and Fire Safety Instructor to the now stunned Major.

"Sir, no school regulations have been violated over the course of this exercise, sir!"

Of course, I knew the student handbook backwards and forwards as well. And as Tanya von Degurechaff would say: Grau ist weiß.

"That's…"

"Uh oh, looks like one of the students uploaded a video of this onto the internet…" The First Sergeant put in. "And yep…, it's going viral. By the way that was some good hustle Hikigaya."

"I-I need to inform the Principal about this immediately! H-Hiratsuka sensei! See if you can talk some sense into him! I-I'll leave this matter over to you!"

With that, the Major rushes out of the office.

"See, it's not a problem."

The Command Sergeant Major and I smile at each other with evil grins, then her eyes harden.

"The hell it is! Consultation office! NOW!"

"Yes Ma'am."

In the Consultation office the Command Sergeant-… no wait, Shizuka waves me to a black leather chair as she sits heavily on the leather sofa across from me. Pulling out a cigarette she lights up and stares at the ceiling. Erotine onee-san begins to flirt with me, releasing some of the tension I'm feeling.

I may have just fucked up. I called her Sergeant Major without even thinking, and then there was all that bullshit just now with the Maj-… the Vice Principal. In this regard, I'm no better than fucking Zaimokuza damn it.

I HATE it.

Never thought I'd ever wish for a fucking Max Coffee (energy drink).

I'm sure she's noticed the change, even if she's a dense shounen protagonist.

She must find me disgusting, just like the ice bitch.

"Hikigaya."

Fuck, I always move forward without thinking, just as the fucking Army drilled into me.

Move forward and take the objective. Move forward and take the objective! Climb To fucking Glory!

'We have good Intel, so just follow your orders Staff Sergeant!'

"Hikigaya Hachiman!"

"Yes?"

Shizuka stabs out her cigarette in annoyance.

"I'll ask you again, just what the hell was up with that idiotic stunt you pulled?"

"It was a fire emergency escape drill."

"Cut the crap! If that was the case, then why did you run away from me?!"

Because at the time you were fucking scary!

Her lovely grey eyes narrowed.

Damn Newtype.

"I was just reacting under pressure."

"Listen up you military maniac! This is a high school NOT an obstacle course! What you did was extremely dangerous! You could have gotten hurt damn it!"

Dangerous? Hardly, I performed all the safety checks. Now rappelling from a Blackhawk, that was fuckin dangerous. I clenched my fists as I recalled the helicopter crash I was in during my fourth deployment.

Another happy fucking landing

"Why does it feel like I'm not getting through to you…?" Shizuka said massaging her temples.

There was a knock at the door.

"Come in…"

Sliding open the door Yukinoshita walked in while Yuigahama fidgeted just outside. She sets down the coiled-up rope with my tactical harness still attached, onto the glass table.

"Thanks for bringing this to me Yukinoshita. I'm afraid that all Service Club activities will have to be suspended for the rest of the week. You two should head home now, I still need to deal with THIS."

"I…, I understand."

Yukinoshita shoots me an arctic death glare as she gives Shizuka the clubroom key. Then with a sullen look, she leaves with Yuigahama following looking disappointed.

Shizuka fishes out another cigarette from her breast pocket and lights it. Erotine onee-san comes over to kiss me on the cheek. She's so into me right now.

Oi, Erotine-san I have a fiancé you knooooow~.

"Don't go to space damn it!"

Shizuka lets out a sigh.

"Geez… Hikigaya, you DO know that you're a high student right? Not some action hero. So no more jumping out of windows or rappelling down buildings and there better NOT be any weapons or explosions! You hear ME, you military junkie?! JUST GO TO SCHOOL AND BE NORMAL! Nice and normal… Oh, great! Now I'm doing it!"

Shizuka facepalms.

"Affirmative."

"Stop that! This isn't an anime damn it!"

If you only knew…, right Haruhi?

She gestures to my rappelling equipment with her lit cigarette.

"I'm confiscating that and I'm giving you detention for the rest of the week as well."

"Tch."

"Do you have a problem with that?"

"It's not a problem."

"HIKI-GA-YA~"

"*Cough* Well, I'm always happy to spend more time with my fiancé of course."

I shoot her a winning grin and she returns a smirk of her own.

"Get out."


At home, I was sitting on the couch watching the TV with a cup of coffee that Komachi made me.

"Wait, go back one channel~. Hey isn't that you're school onii-san~?"

["In local news, a student at Sobu High School rappelled down one of the school buildings this afternoon today. We will now play the video that captured this shocking incident."]

A video of me with my face blurred out, though I noticed my ahoge poking out, played on our TV. I immediately took out smart-kun and went to YouTube. It seems that the school acted quickly and had the original video taken down, only to be replaced by the one that was currently on TV.

Hmm, the Principal may be a formidable enemy should I have to deal with him…

Geh! What's SHE doing on TV Haruhi?!

A certain foxy kohai with a black bar across her eyes was giving an interview.

["I was passing through the courtyard on my way to my club when all of sudden I saw a rope fall in front of me~. I looked up and saw this senpai just hop over the rail~. It was crazy~, I mean that was the fourth floor you knooooow~. And this wasn't the first time that senpai did something like this~. He totally jumped out of a second-story window like it was perfectly normal~! It was so creep-…"]

I turned off the TV.

"Onii-san…"

"It's just a coincidence, Komachi-chan."

Komachi rolled her eyes at me and let out a deep sigh.

"What are you even doing Onii-san…? I mean first the thing with your homeroom teacher and now this? And then when you didn't even come home the other night… Hey, just like with your 'evening walks', don't think I don't know exactly what you were doing that night. I know that you have your own particular set of circumstances… But seriously, you need to start taking better care of yourself Onii-san. Please don't stay out all night like that ever again, okay Onii-san? You're a good person and honestly kind of a dumbass, so I'm really worried that some evil onee-san will take advantage of you Onii-san…"

It's too late Komachi, two Devils already have…

["Hide behind an empty face~"]

Oh, fuck my life Haruhi! It's HER!

["Don't ask too much, just say~"]

"Aren't you going to-…"

["'Cause this is just a game~"]

"…-answer that onii-san?"

["It's a beautiful lie~"]

I really don't want to Komachi! But don't need the Force to know that if I don't answer the phone, she'll do something terrifying!

["It's a perfect denial~"]

"*Sigh.* Yeah, I need to take this Komachi-chan."

["Such a beautiful lie to believe in~"]

Deactivating Hiki-Persona 8 I began to make my way up to my room.

["So beautiful~, beautiful LIE-…~"]

"Hikigaya speaking."

["Hello~ Hikigaya-san~! For a second there~, I was worried that you weren't going to answer your phone~."]

Scary. I really need to be careful with my words here, so that she'll only hear the truth but from a certain point of view. How annoying.

"Sorry, I just stepped away for a conversation I was having. May I ask why you're calling, Yukinoshita-san?"

Entering my room I saw distraction-chan sitting on my bed petting Kamakura. That's just not fair distraction-chan, Hachi-kun wants some animal therapy too you knooooow~.

["I told you that you can call me Haruno y'know~, or better yet why don't you go back to calling me Haru-Haru~!"]

"…" Yeah, Hard No. I sat at my desk feeling despondent.

["Anyways the reason I'm calling was to invite you out to dinner~. I'm going out with some friends of mine~, the ones you met at Karaoke~, and I thought that you might like to join us~. Oh~! I know~, how about you bring Shizuka-chan with you Hikigaya-san~?! We could have so much fun together~!"]

OH FUCK! THE HELL I WILL! DAMN IT!

"I'm afraid I must decline your kind offer Haruno-san. Honestly, things have been quite hectic around me recently…"

["Ah~, so you must be busy with Studio 8 then~, Piff-… and it is THAT kind of company isn't it~. I heard that they're about to release a new album soon~. Are you involved with that by any chance Hikigaya-san~?"]

Shit, she knows about that! Just what the hell did I tell her that night Kyon? What do mean you don't you know?! Weren't you there?!

Still, it's not a problem… probably.

"Yes I was roped into that mess as well, *sigh* I swear the artist I was saddled with is a complete dumbass…"

Damn it, Yamada!

["*Giggles* Oh no~, that must be rough Hikigaya-san~. It's really too bad that you can't join us~, I was so hoping you would~. Ne~, do you think Shizuka-chan would be available~? I haven't had the chance to catch up with her yet~."]

For the love of Haruhi please don't!

"Um, I don't think now is a good time for that, I just saw on the news that an incident happened at Sobu today, so Shizuka must have her hands full dealing with it."

["Piff-Ha-Ha-Ha~! That's right~! I just saw something about that in passing~! Didn't a student rappel down one of the buildings or something~?! Ah-HA-HA-HA-HA~! Just kind of idiot would do that~?! That was awesome~! Shizuka-chan must be totally livid right now~! By the way, Hikigaya-san~, did you know that I'm an alumni of Sobu High School~?"]

'I got a bad feeling about this…'

"What a coincidence, that's my high school as well."

["Oh really now~, how interesting of you to say~. My little sister Yukino is currently a second-year at Sobu~, so I've been thinking about dropping by there to check in on her for a while now~. Say~, how would you like to go with me Hikigaya-san~? You could see your fiancé at work~! I'm sure Shizuka-chan would love that~!"]

'Do you know who I am?' She's not doing this on purpose right? Please tell me I'm being paranoid Kyon!

"That…, may be difficult for me Haruno-san; I don't really have that much free time during the day. When were you thinking of going?"

I'll definitely ditch school that day!

["Um~, sometime between now and the two weeks~. I'm a student at Chiba U~, so I have exams that are coming up~, *sigh~* I may have to wait until they're over~."]

"Your university exams are very important Haruno-san, you should really try to focus on them. In fact, you seem to have far too much free time on your hands already. Are you even studying young lady?"

["Piff-… My studies are fine Hikigaya-san~, you don't need to worry about that~. Besides I haven't gotten to see my sister Yukino-chan much since the start of the semester y'know~…"]

"Yeah, I have a little sister as well, so I can understand how-…"

["Ah~! One of my friends just showed up~! So I'm going to have to let you go Hikigaya-san~. We should definitely meet up for some tea~, kay~! I really want to hear how you and Shizuka-chan met~! Bye~!"]

"…"

What a terrifying phone call. I swear Haruno is even worse that the Demon Lord. At least with the Demon Lord, though scary as hell, her pure greed and the actions she takes were more or less transparent. But with Haruno, one could never really tell…

Scary.

That onee-san is scary Haruhi!

I stood up from my chair and walked over to my bed. I tried to engage in some animal therapy by ruffling Kamakura's head. The cat looked annoyed by this, and distraction-chan glared at me.

Feeling sad I changed into suit-kun and headed down the stairs. Komachi who was watching an anime turned to look at me.

"Ack! What happened to you, onii-san?! Just who were you on the phone with?!"

"An evil onee-san that's going to take advantage of me, Komachi-chan…"

"Already?! Onii-san…!"


["I don't see myself when I look in the mirror~ I see who I should be~ I don't see myself when I look in your eyes~ Thank God for that~"]

It's Saturday morning and currently, and I'm running in my red tracksuit with a pair of sunglasses on as I listened to the shuffled playlist on my phone.

["I don't see myself when I look cross the river~ I see where I should be~ I don't see myself when I look from the sky~ Thank God for that~"]

Unfortunately for the past two days, the extra time I spent with Shizuka (detention) was mired when she had me help her with her backlog of paperwork, and the fact that I was now paranoid that Haruno would show up and catch me with her.

["I hear them screaming~ On the radio~ It's getting louder~ in the cross~ fire~ Tryin' to find some hope~ From the ashes of their broken home~"]

I really hope to Haruhi that this is all some kind of mind game that Haruno playing…, because it's actually so much scarier if it's not. Even so, 'This… could get ugly.'

["I don't see myself when they fail to deliver~ I see what I should be~ I don't see myself when I look at the flag~ Thank God for that~"]

I reached my turn-around point near Sobu at what felt like twice my normal speed. 'Looks like I'm not obsolete yet.' Fucking anime world… Hard no Kyon, I'm still not dyeing my hair blonde damn it.

["I hear them screaming~ On the radio~ It's getting louder~ in the cross~ fire~ Tryin' to find some ho~oooh~ope~"]

As I turned to head back home I see a small dog race towards me dragging his leash. I kill the music as the familiar light brown dachshund, (ah, Saber right?) approaches me.

"Bark! Ba-bark, bark, bark!"

What is it, boy? Is Kyon trapped in a well? Was the Trojan Horse sighted? It's not the terrorist, is it?

I slav-squat as Saber runs a circle around me. He comes to a stop in front of me and starts to sniff. Saber tilts his head as if to say: meh, close enough. He lies down and shows his belly to me.

Oh, this means I can pet him right Kyon? Strange..., the German shepherds in the Army always hated me.

Um, g-good boy…

Dressed in short shorts with a bright t-shirt the Specialist comes running up to me.

"AH! Sablé! I'm so sorry! My little Sablé got away-… Whoa! Hikki?!"

I stood to greet her.

"Do you know who I am?"

Achievement unlocked: The Fake Comet

"Y-you're totally H-Hikki right?" She said as picks up her dog.

"Well, it's fine you don't get it. So how are you holding up Specialist?"

"Oh yeah! I'm like totally fine Hikki! I'm…"

"I've…, lost people too, Yuigahama… Are you really alright?"

Yuigahama holds Sablé (sorry I got your name wrong) closer to her chest.

"Um, I… Y-you're not really him are you… I wanted to think that wasn't the case, that you were still Hikki. But then you do something like what happened the other day… A-and I realize again: Ah, that's not Hikki, it's someone else… H-He's not coming back, is he?"

"I'm sorry Yuigahama, believe me, I wish it were otherwise, but I'm afraid he's gone."

As a single tear falls onto her face, I take the dog from her and hand her my Zeonic flag handkerchief.

"T-thank you." more tears begin to fall. "Hic, I was so stupid y'know… I-I never got to talk with him, to t-thank him for what he did… to tell him t-that-… …It hurts. I-It's already too late…, and it hurts…"

"If it's too painful for you… Would…, would you like me to leave…, the Service…club I mean?"

Yuigahama shakes her head.

"No, I-I don't want to lose anyone else… besides you're like H-Hikki now right…? I know it sounds crazy…, but I feel like a part of him is still there with you… S-so please don't leave…, don't do any more dangerous things… I…, no Yukinon as well…, WE need you Hikki… D-don't die. P-please, don't die Hikki…"

"The life of a soldier is the only one I know. That's why I can never settle down."

I said that because of how caught off guard I was, though it was true enough.

Even if I get married to Shizuka, that part of me will never leave…

I used my free hand to take off my shades.

"But I will try Yuigahama…, I promise you, that I will try…"

Yuigahama's watery red eyes stare into my deadeyes for a long moment.

I also noticed that Sablé was looking up at me with sad puppy dog eyes too.

Distraction-chan was looking up at me as well; though it was obvious she just wanted to pet the dog I was holding.

Oi!

"Okay, Hikki."

Yuigahama nods and then wipes the remaining tears from her eyes.

"Ah, thanks for letting me use your handkerchief. Let me take it home and wash it for you."

I put my shades back on and handed her Sablé.

"That's fine, and sorry for bringing up something so heavy Specialist. But I was, concerned…"

"It's okay, totally fine! I'm glad that you talked to me about it Hikki! Honestly, that was kinda eating anyway at me… so, thank you for that Hikki, it really helped… Um, say…, does Komachi-chan…?"

"Komachi-chan is aware of the situation, though she hasn't really brought up the subject… Could you do me a favor, and call to check in on her from time to time?"

"Ah! Sure I totally don't mind doing that Hikki!"

"Thank you, Yuigahama."

"Whoa! You don't need to bow Hikki! It's totally no trouble at all!"

"Still, I owe you one Specialist. Oh, by the way, that dog collar and leash look like they're about to break. Let me at least buy you a temporary one from that 100-yen shop down the road."

"Oh, you really don't have to, Hikki."

"I insist, after all, that really isn't safe Specialist. Follow me."


The following Monday I found my Zeonic flag handkerchief (cleaned and neatly folded) in my shoe locker, along with a fake love letter that must have been sent courtesy of some 'frens' of a certain foxy kohai of mine…

Of course, since I have a fiancé, I promptly ripped it up.

"H-Hikki…"

"Hachiman…"

"That moron."

"Dude, he didn't even hesitate."

"Damn! That was brutal Hikitani bro!"

"Senpai~… Even if that was a fake~, it still hurts you knooooow~."

"See~! I told you Sergeant Psycho-kun was totally gay!"

"Sssshh! What if he hears you?!"

"For a Thing that lacks even a modicum of common civility, could you not exist Hikiheartless-kun?"

These damn brats…


It was another slow day in the Service (club) with the Corporal sitting at her own little island at the far end of the room, reading a book as usual. The Specialist was a bundle of nevus energy as she quietly fidgeted around in her seat close to the Corporal at the end of the long table.

The Specialist's peculiar behavior was brought about by the somewhat awkward presence of our new member(?). She was sitting close to me with her head down on the table and her arms splayed out. Her long silky black hair was becoming a mess as she lays there and from time to time she would glare at me.

I was still feeling a bit on edge that Haruno would just pop in unannounced. So to distract myself from that terrifying prospect, I filled out a report on the Kawasomething case. When I slid said report over to Shizuka, I could have sworn she was going to punch me for some reason.

Right now I was currently reading a shoujo manga that I borrowed from Komachi. Though honestly, I think my dear little sister lent that to me in hopes that I would start taking an interest in 'girls my own age'.

She'll probably try to set me up with the Corporal this weekend, despite the fact that it's against 'the regs.' and that I already have a fiancé. After all, I can tell that Komachi hasn't fully accepted Shizuka yet.

The Corporal should ask me to go shopping with her any day now…

I thought about just skipping the whole event of course. The Corporal could just take of herself.

But unfortunately, this was too good of an opportunity to meet with Haruno, and have a discussion. I'm already more or less resigned to the fact that Haruno will find out that I'm a student at Sobu. In fact, I strongly suspect that she knows this. That phone call was too much of a fucking mind game to be a coincidence.

Certainly, this is something I'm not looking forward to, but it's already inevitable at this point. It's only a matter of time…

Well whenever my next scary encounter with Haruno is, I'll need to at least try to negotiate for her silence regarding Shizuka…

'Cause I'm afraid~ to be alone~ I'm afraid~ that one day you'll find out~'

'And you'll be amazed~ at the secrets I keep~ You'll be amazed~ at my mouth full of lies~'

'But I'm too afraid~ to come clean~ 'Cause my life's the flame in a house of cards~'

'It's such a shame what I've become~, after years of breakin' down~ My whole life has come undone~ 'cause I'm tryin' to fake it all~ I know that you love someone~, but that someone isn't me~ Or is this me~?'

My focus is shifted away from distraction-chan's trolling as Shizuka lets out a long depressed sigh.

Seriously, no one is going to ask why she's here? I guess it's up to me.

"So, why are you here sensei?"

The Corporal and the Specialist shot a glance at me.

Isn't it obvious? Are what their eyes said.

Shizuka lifts her head and forms an expression that could charitably be called a smile.

"Why do think I'm here Hikigaya~?"

"Um, well we did get through your backlog of paperwork last week, so you must have quite a bit of free tim-…"

"It's because of YOU! You, idiot! All because of that stupid! Idiotic! Stunt you pulled last week! The Vice Principal demanded that I keep you under constant supervision!"

"But isn't that what the Corp-…*cough* Yukinoshita is for sensei?"

"Normally, that WOULD be the case. At least until SOMEBODY officially involved the Service Club, into this damn incident! Isn't that right mister Vice President and Safety Officer?!"

"Well, THAT was an official fire-safety drill that violated no school rules sensei."

"There's a thing called common sense you dumbass!"

Shizuka's head falls into her hands.

"Geez…, I can't believe this is happening… Hikigaya…, that supervision doesn't just extend into club activities… Starting tomorrow you will be required to spend your lunch hour with me in the faculty office until further notice."

Geh, while having lunch with my fiancé is nice and all, that's still my piano time, damn it.

Well of course I'm making her lunch Kyon. She's probably only eating instant ramen…

Shizuka automatically reaches to her breast pocket for a cigarette, realizes this is a nonsmoking area, and collapses back onto the table with a grown.

Two knocks rapped on the door. We turned to look at the door, except for Shizuka who was still lamenting that she couldn't smoke.

Oh shit! That's Haruno's silhouette in the window!

"Come in."

The door opens, and thank Haruhi it's Fluffy senpai our Student Council President!

The clubroom seemed to somehow grow just a little bit brighter as Fluffy senpai entered the room. Even though her very presence increases the possibility of a Haruno encounter to a terrifying degree, I still can't help but feel a warm, fuzzy feeling when I'm around her…

It's kind of annoying, to be honest… fucking anime world.

"Um… Is this the Service Club?"

"Yes, this is the Service Club."

"Um… You're Yukinoshita-san right?"

"Yes."

"I thought so! You're Haru-san's little sister! It's so nice to meet you!"

Don't say her name! You'll summon her!

"Do you have a request Shiromeguri senpai?"

"Ah, Yeah with midterms coming up we're currently shorthanded in the Student Council and normally that wouldn't be a problem, but because of an unexpected incident…"

I feel like Megu Megu Megurin's power is starting to affect me more as she glances at me.

I see a cloud. It's a fluffy cloud. Floating, happy, happy fluffy cloud…

Shizuka immediately shot up, rushes over to Fluffy senpai, and placed both her hands on Fluffy senpai's shoulders.

"Woah! So fast!"

Yeah, that black blazer gives her a speed buff Specialist, and she still looks so damn hot in it, even with that manic grin…

"Shiromeguri!"

"Y-yes Hiratsuka sensei?"

"Take Hikigaya! HA-HA-HA! If it's the Student Council President, surely even the Vice Principal can't have any complaints! So take Hikigaya, Shiromeguri! In fact, you can have him for the whole week! Just don't take your eyes off him for a second! And make sure this idiot doesn't jump out of any windows, rappel down a building, or do any other crazy nonsense okay?! Hikigaya is now you're responsibly Shiromeguri! I'm counting on you!"

With that, Shizuka fled from the room…

Seriously, she wanted a cigarette that badly? I guess I'm working for the Student Council now.

"Um, Hikigaya-kun?"

I stood up crossing my arms still holding the shoujo manga in hand, as Fluffy senpai invades my personal space.

"Um, y-yes senpai."

"Hikigaya-kun right? Okay, I think I got it. Sorry, I'm not very good with names."

"No need to worry. That Thing is good at having its name forgotten. In fact, it's best if you forgot that, that Thing exists altogether Shiromeguri senpai."

Geh! That fuckin knife went in deep Corporal… I don't even know my real name you knooooow~.

"Though it's truly regrettable that you can't do so at this time due to Hiratsuka sensei's arbitrary decision. How unfortunate, you have my sympathies."

"Yukinon that's kinda…"

"I-I'm sure Yukinoshita-san was just kidding Um…?"

No, she wasn't senpai, face reality!

"Ah, my name is Yuigahama."

"Oh, Yuigahama-san? Nice to meet you. Um, well I look forward to working with you Hikigaya-kun. Let's do our best together okay~?! Hey hey hooo~!"

Oh no, people like her are my natural enemies Kyon.

"…"

"Let's try that again Hikigaya-kun~! Hey hey hooo~!"

"…"

"Hey hey hooo~!"

"O-oooh…"

So annoying…, I wonder with I should make for Shizuka tomorrow?


It was Saturday. The clear skies provided a brief respite from the rainy season. This was the day of my rendezvous with the Corporal. The time was just about 10:00 hours on the dot.

Yesterday was like a scene out of a horror movie when the Corporal cornered me outside the Student Council office. I swear to Haruhi that I thought she was going to kill me when she asked me out this weekend. It was enough to truly unnerve even me, and I saw combat in fuckin Afghanistan damn it.

Scary.

'U-um…would you go out with me?' Those were totally psycho eyes when she said that Kyon!

Scary!

"Sorry to keep you waiting Hikiconspicuous-kun."

Geh, she's here…

Yukinoshita ambled unhurriedly toward me, bringing an arctic gust of wind along with her. Just like in the anime, with her hair in twin tails, the soft-looking fabric of her skirt gave her a particularly feminine presence.

I wanted none of it.

The Corporal glared at me with cold contempt. I was currently wearing suit-kun with Hiki-Persona 8 off. So of course she was completely disgusted by this. Just like back at the family restaurant, only now she wasn't hiding it.

I really wanted to smoke a cigarette right now. The crowd just outside the mall already had me on edge.

Japan is a safe country I try to remind myself.

"Must you be like that? I find that your very existence right now is revolting. Can you not stop that? Existing I mean."

Maybe I should abort this, and call Haruno instead…

"Yes, Yes, I'm so uncivilized. If you don't like it Corporal then just fuckin leave."

"That would defeat the purpose of meeting you here Hikivulgar-kun. Where is your sister? If I recall correctly, I specifically requested that you bring her."

"She's waiting over by the map."

"I see. Well then, let's go. And please stay at least one meter away from me."

"Tch."

"Hey, it's Yukino-san~! Hello~!"

"I'm sorry for requesting you to come all this way on a weekend," Yukinoshita apologized.

"No, no~! I want to get Yui-san a birthday present too, and I'm looking forward to hanging out with you~." Komachi grinned brightly. She was quite fond of Yukinoshita in her own way, so I figured she was being honest. But man, ditzy girls do go for the Corporal, don't they?

I study the map in front of me, automatically taking note of all the entry points and exits.

"Hmm, our fire team should enter here, secure this corridor as we move to take the objective… our rendezvous point will be-…"

"What are you talking about onii-san…?"

Geh, I said that out loud.

"*Cough* I-it's nothing, Komachi-chan."

"You're so weird sometimes onii-san~. Anyways, my senses tell me that we can find the stuff Yui-san likes, if we just cover this section here~!"

"Let's go, then," I said, and the Corporal nodded with no objections, either.

And thus, we set off.

The girly district was two or three sections ahead.

By force of habit, I had taken the lead, and it wasn't long before I noticed Komachi sneaking away from us. With a sigh I let her go.

At the same time, distraction-chan hung out with the Corporal as she was solemnly squishing a weird stuffed panda with fiendish eyes, sharp claws, and glittering fangs. The plump panda bear was Ginnie the Grue, a popular character from Tokyo Destiny Land.

Tokyo Destiny Land is a popular and well-known place. Funny enough, it's both the pride of Chiba and a source of deep shame for bearing the name Tokyo despite its location in Chiba.

I texted Komachi and she sent me her excuses for ditching us.

"Yukinoshita?"

She returned the plush to the shelf without a word and coolly swept back her hair.

"So where did Komachi-san go?"

"She said she ran into some frens and had stuff to buy. So we're stuck present-hunting by ourselves."

"I see… Well, she did go to the trouble of coming out with us on a weekend, so I have no right to complain, we'll just have to manage on our own."

She grabbed the plush again and bought it.

Soon the ambiance had clearly changed. Floral and soapy scents wafted around amid a palette of pastel hues and vibrant shades. We had indeed arrived at the sector for girls, with clothing stores and accessory shops, sock specialty stores, kitchen goods stores, and, of course, lingerie shops. From my point of view, what lay before us was an extremely uncomfortable alternate dimension.

Yukinoshita ignored my anxiety and moved toward a nearby clothing store. She went inside and took some of the items on display in hand, scrupulously inspecting them. I decided to follow the Corporal…but I knew I wouldn't last.

First of all, the female customers greeted the man entering their store with caustic glares as if I were some breed of insect. And then the staff marshaled around me like they found me suspicious. They totally got into attack formation just to deal with me.

"Um, sir…may I help you find something?" One of the clerks spoke to me, masking her suspicion with a pasted-on smile.

"Uh, N-no I'm fine, thank you."

My ambiguous response must have made the staff even more wary, as another clerk showed up. Oh, crap, she's called reinforcements damn it!

"What are you doing? Could you not act so suspiciously? Why not act like you don't exist? Or better yet, just stop existing."

Impressive as usual, Yukinoshita. The Corporal was a pro when it came to pushing people away. The clerks already started to move away.

"Oh, so you came here with your daughter. Take your time," the clerk said as if she'd come to her own conclusions.

At that, both Yukinoshita and I literally coughed up blood at the same time… fucking anime world.

"I-I think we should leave."

"Y-yeah, I think that's a good idea Corporal."

We moved to sit down at a bench to recover from the damage we received from the critical hit we have just taken. I used my handkerchief to wipe the line of blood that ran down from my lips.

"Look, don't think I can go into another store like that, so just get her something that you think is fancy, frilly, and stupid. Like something that someone with a lower IQ would wear or something."

"That's a very rude way to put it, but it's so accurate that I'm not sure how to respond…, but yes, I think that would be for the best."

"Huh~? Yukino-chan~? Oh, it is you~!"

"Nee-san."

"Sorry~, you guys go on without me~," Haruno said to the shuffling group of men and women behind her and pressed her hands together in an apologetic gesture.

"What're you doing out here~? Ohhh~! You're on a date~! A date, I bet~! And oh my~! If it isn't Hikigaya-san~! Soooo is this your boyfriend~, Yukino-chan~? Huh~? I wonder if I should call the police~?"

Haruno pensively interposed herself between us.

"I'm NOT a pedophile damn it! This was just a coincidence!"

"Of course not, there's no way I would go on a date with that Thing. Even considering to make such a joke after seeing this Thing is in terrible taste, nee-san."

"Hmmm~. Ne how'd you meet Hikigaya-san~, Yukino-chan~? Come on~, come on~! Tell me~!"

Haruno gleefully ribbed her younger sister with her elbow. All she got for her efforts, however, was icy irritation.

"We're just in the same grade," Yukinoshita said, throwing me under the bus.

"So you're student in high school~! Ara how shocking Hikigaya-kun~!"

The Corporal glared and arched an eyebrow at me, but I ignored it. Still what bullshit, as if you didn't already fucking know…

"Never said I wasn't, Yukinoshita-san," I said lifelessly.

Haruno with fake tears in hears eyes, garbed me by the shoulders and lightly shook me back and forth as I stared off into space…

"Just how could you try to deceive your onee-san like that~?! And I keep telling you to call me Haruno~, Hikigaya-kun~!" She jabbed a chiding finger into my cheek, twisting it around painfully. "You're making your onee-san cry y'know~!"

"Nee-san, could you stop that, please? It would be best if you don't get involved with that Thing."

Not at all attempting to hide her irritation, the Corporal briskly brushed her hair behind her and pierced Haruno with a dagger of disdain.

"Oh… Sorry~, Yukino-chan~. I guess I got a little carried away~." Haruno apologized with a weak smile. She then pressed her ample rack into me as she quietly whispered into my ear. "Yukino-chan's actually very delicate~, so you'd better be careful when you're around her~, kay~? If you make Yukino-chan cry~…, I'll make sure you regret it~."

Scary!

I reflexively jerked my head away from her.

Haruno tilted her entire upper body to the right in surprise, squinting at me in a silent Huuuh? It was so adorable all the men nearby noticed, just for an instant.

"Did I do something you didn't like~?" she said, poking out her pink tongue.

"Oh, uh, not really… It's just, um, my ears are sensitive, so…"

"Hikisleazy-kun, I'd recommend against revealing your fetishes to a woman you barely know. You may find yourself receiving a summons."

Yukinoshita was gently pressing her forehead as if pained.

"Piff-Ha-Ha-Ha~! Wow~, Hikigaya-kun~, you're so funny~!"

Ow, ow, ow, ow. Stop whacking me on the back damn it… Regretfully Haruhi answered my prayer as Haruno interlocked her arm with mine. And as I begin to contemplate the terrifying feeling of the cold empty void of space, I feel when she touches me.

I was dragged to my feet by Haruno from the bench.

"Well~, I'm afraid I'll have to steal Hikigaya-kun away from you~. He currently owes this onee-san few certain explanations after all~. Will you be fine on your own Yukino-chan~?"

I looked to the Corporal. Don't leave me alone with her. Are what my eyes say.

"Yes I'll be fine; I just need to do a little bit of shopping. Though I suggest you throw away that Thing you just picked up nee-san."

With a small flick of her hair, that fuckin ice bitch totally snubbed me as she walks away…

And so I was left with Haruno clinging onto my arm like a lover.

I looked at the abyss, and the abyss gave me a smile that was almost genuine.

It was fucking terrifying.


Author's Note:

As always, thanks for your Favs, Follows, and reviews!

Look forward to Isekaigaya getting completely Haruno'd in the next episode!